Let me make something clear about this blog. This is a blog of IDEAS on how BW can better improve their lives. This AINT a blog about who is right, me telling you how you should think and act and that my opinions are the holy grail of truth.


And I expect the same from commenters here. To be RESPECTFUL that others aren’t always at the same level of enlightenment that you are, and may possibly not see your way as the ONLY way.


If we all had the ANSWERS and it was easy to figure this all out, BW would be running the world right now. And well, BW aint running the world. So that means WE DON’T have all the answers. Every person here who participates on THIS BLOG is learning, growing and offering their own VIEWS and O-P-I-N-I-O-N-S on how we can get there.


I’m pretty much gonna assume the BW who participate on this blog all have the ultimate same goal of wanting the BEST for ALL BW. We aint all going to have the PERFECT ANSWERS on how BW can get there, but nonetheless, if you are a participant on this blog then it’s because YOU WANT THE BEST FOR BW and want to offer your own VIEWS and O-P-I-N-I-O-N-S on how BW can succeed in doing so.


We can agree to disagree. We can debate. We can offer new ways of seeing things.


But what we WILL NOT DO HERE AT *NEEEEEEEEECYS* NEST is bludgeon each other over the heads with CONDESCENDING holier than thou attitudes, I’m right and you’re wrong talk.


THAT will not happen here.


This blogs goal is to help offer ways I feel BW can improve their lives. And anything I say is within that context. Unless I am afflicted with Dr. Jeckl , Mr. Hyde disease (which last I checked I wasn’t) that’s pretty much all this blog is about – BW BETTERING THEMSELVES AND GETTING THE BEST LIVES THEY CAN.


I say that to say – I AINT THE DAMN ENEMY! So anything I say that you are confused about, UNDERSTAND it’s ALWAYS coming from a place of support, passion and love for seeing BW in the world do better and get the best life has to offer.


I may not always articulate it in the best of ways, but understand that is the blogs purpose, and THIUS my purpose.


I may not be at the same level of enlightenment some others are, or rather I may simply have a different POV on how I see things.


So. I am gonna make this real easy for everyone.


I am stepping away from the term BWE (Black women Empowerment) in terms of my goals, mission and this blog. Neecy’s Nest MOVING FORWARD is a blog and safe place for Black women to converse about how we can progress as a group.


This way, anything I do or say moving forward, is not under the TITLE, BANNER of Black woman empowerment. It will simply be MY OWN THOUGHTS, IDEAS AND POV on the matter.

I appreciate the knowledge and support and varying degrees the discussions have to offer.


But I will not tolerate condensing attitudes, holier than thou and I’m right and you are wrong. NOPE!


I realize that some people may leave. I’m okay with that. For those that stay, I want this to be a nice, safe and fun place to visit and to EXPLORE ideas on how BW can do better in life.


I do not claim to be the GURU on BW or anything for that matter. And I will not be pushed in a corner on my own blog because people are determined to make me see their way or the highway.


That is all……

Let’s try this again…….


Ok. Yall. I had to temporarily close the comments on the Res. Pol. Post before it got even more off track than it was going. Some commenters were waaaaay too jumpy and ran off with all kinds of assumptions and getting completely off track of what the post was about and what I was saying. Others got the jist of what I was saying.

Its ok. I get it. I aint the best writer. And because of that I am willing to take the blame for not making my points much more CLEARLY. And I am not always as concise as I would love to be. As a result, my posts can be long winded with a BUNCH of different points, thoughts and concepts jumbled into the body. The result of that is I make a lot of points here and there that are not fully explained or expanded upon, and then people take one idea or thought, and draw their own conclusions about what I am saying or even what the basis of the post is about. Moving forward I will try to keep it to ONE concept as to not cause any confusion.

I have no issues with debating or people disagreeing with me AT ALL as long as they know what they are disagreeing with. If they don’t even understand clearly what I am saying, we cannot have an honest debate based on FACTS.

Instead of me continuing to run behind those who Didn’t GET IT, and repeating myself, I have decided to point out the FACTS of what I was saying in the post and what the post was about. I want everyone to be on the same page so we can actually have a conversation about the REALITY of what I was saying and not the mis-interpreted or misconstrued assumptions of what I was saying.

If I could sum up the post meaning in a sentence it would be “DAMNED IF YOU DO AND DAMNED IF YOU DON’T”. If you can understand that concept, then my post becomes much clearer.

  • The Respectability Politics post is NOT about the Black women who are representing themselves negatively to the masses and tarnishing the image of Black women collectively – per se.

It’s mainly about the Black women WHO ARE NOT representative of the negative stereotypes NO LONGER feeling as if they have to play respectability politics when they have never even been a representation of the negative stereotype to begin with (I.e. “going the extra mile” jumping through hoops, turning yourself into a pretzel to prove yourself to people when you are already doing and being the best person you can be.)

It’s about recognizing you do not need to carry the burden of your other sisters who can’t act right because YOU cannot change them just as you cannot change those who already have you pegged as a stereotype.

  • Sometimes it’s simply a case of “DAMNED if you do and DAMNED if you don’t”. That when you are NOT representative of the stereotypes that makes some people comfortable, they will even target you for that. Putting you in a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation. If you are already in that kind of situation and you are being the best person you can be, the best bet is to simply continue to just DO YOU and stop worrying about trying to appease others who do not care about your individuality because it’s FUTILE.


  • If a Black woman (WHO IS ALREADY BEING THE BEST PERSON SHE CAN BE) has to jump through hoops and go the extra mile to prove herself to anyone, she is already losing. If someone respects you as a PERSON, they will draw and base judgments on you based on your own actions and not the actions of your race and gender. PERIOD. If they cannot or are unwilling to do that, then it’s NOT YOUR PROBLEM to try to make them reasonable, well-adjusted non-narrow focused human beings. It’s THEIR PROBLEM.


  • The RP was NOT about asking, begging or expecting NON Black women or ANYONE to be “FAIR” to BW. I’m no dummy. Clearly if people wanted to be fair to BW, I wouldn’t be running this blog, this post would not exist, there would be no BWE sites, and BW would be happier than pigs in poop with our position in society.


  • The point in me bringing up others UNWILLINGNESS to let Black women simply be individuals is FOR A REASON. And that REASON is that it benefits them and not Black women – THUS why they continue to do it! THAT’S IT. Nothing more and nothing less. I am not expecting, asking for them to be fair. I am POINTING out the REASONS they won’t do it.


  • If a BW doesn’t understand the battle she will never win the war. Ignoring why BW’s images in society are so marginalized and WHO is behind such and WHY its behooves them to keep you in your place, is like going into a gun fight with a butter knife. I am not asking or expecting people to “be fair” and hand us their privilege on a platter. I am simply making BW AWARE of why things are the way they are and how to recognize it and which way she needs to go once she understands it.


  • The RP post is NOT about focusing on changing the BW who are representing themselves negatively. Every race has its share of individuals that make people cringe. My SUGGESTION was that BW who are tired of the negative stereotypes work at uplifting, promoting and creating outlets that we build and formulate to BALANCE out the negativity.
  • Negative acting BW will always exist just as negative acting people of other races and genders will continue to exist. All anyone can do is try to balance the negative with positive. That’s it. That is my point.
  • BW are EXPECTED to take the burden of the undesirables. And my point is – do not feel the need to do that any longer because ITS NOT YOU who is the problem or even the bad apples (per se). It’s the people who EXPECT BW to prove themselves at every opportunity that they are “not like the rest”. If you are a Black woman that is ALREADY BEING THE BEST PERSON YOU CAN BE, and that is obvious by your behaviors and they won’t acknowledge that, then OH WELL. NOT your problem.


  • In a perfect world, all BW would act right and accordingly. In a perfect world, we would have a magic wand to change the things we wanted. We do not live in a perfect world. We are only capable of changing ourselves, our thoughts and actions. THUS I am telling BW who are ALREADY LIVING WELL AND BEING THE BEST PERSON THEY CAN BE to stop focusing on those who you cannot change and just keep being the best person you can be.


  • I CLEARLY stated on more than one occasion in the post, that BW who are not representative of the negative stereotypes NEED to work to balance these images out BY USING THE SAME TACTICS THAT the stereotypical BW have been using along with their “allies” who have helped them tarnish the collective image of BW.


  • NO WHERE did I say or correlate RP to BW not being that way naturally. Some people made comments stating that they do not need to play RP because they were raised to be well adjusted, and act in a respectful manner. GREAT. That is EXACTLY what I SAID. That BW who are ALREADY LIVING AND DOING WELL, should not have to feel they need to play RP game to make up for the actions of negative acting BW. To continue to BE THEMSLEVES and continue to be the best they can be and anyone who doesn’t acknowledge that – OH WELL not your problem.


  • The RP was NOT about interracial relationships.


  • The RP WAS about pointing out that there are people who are UNCOMFORTABLE with well-adjusted non-stereotypical BW and they will lash out at you in ways that are supposed to “remind” you of your “place” in their eyes.


  • The RP WAS about, no longer focusing on those who you cannot change (negative acting BW) and taking that energy and effort and putting it into formulating a NEW CULTURE of BW who represent the positive and uplifting images of womanhood that we desire. I did not ask, say or suggest that WW or anyone else should do this for us.


Finally, TUCILLA (who BTW has never posted before) summed up the whole point of my post beautifully:


After reading this and other sources, I think, while well intentioned, RP wouldn’t work simply because people have to want to change; and no matter how much one tries to uplift those who are broken it’s their journey to take alone. I see merit in wanting a community to do better; but it shouldn’t rest on your shoulders. The conclusion I got from your article is that instead of fixing the damaged; focus on showcasing and uplifting the Progressive Black Woman.



Thank You Tullica!

Respectability Politics – Should BW play that game?

I simply say – BW just live your lives. Be who you want to be and make sure it’s on your own terms and own terms only. Don’t worry about trying to please and impress those who have already made up in their minds that you are simply a gender and race no matter who you are as a person.

Sometimes no matter who you are, where you come from, your background, pedigree, economic status, style of dress doesn’t matter. You can be the most polished, well mannered, kind, intelligent BW walking and there will still be plenty of people who will still see you as nothing but “A BLACK WOMAN” and often times attribute you to nothing but a stereotype even when you do not act accordingly.

In fact, the more BW are far from a stereotype, the more they will try to make you into one or “remind you” of your place by projecting stereotypes upon you. So the real battle begins and ends with NOT the BW who represent the stereotypes, but rather the BW who don’t.

YOU are a TARGET for many because you make many people uncomfy when you are not acting according to the nasty stereotypes that benefit them and take away from your individual personhood as a woman.

There have been recent incidents that have clearly shown me and other BW who see the transparency of these people, that folks are getting a beeeeet uncomfortable with BW who don’t “stay in their place”.

Some recent examples have been: 

  • Elizabeth Lauten a communications director for a Republican in Tennessee, recently felt the need to write an cowardly disgusting “OPEN LETTER” to the teenage Obama girls who appeared in the public pardoning of a turkey their father did at the White house. The girls who were wearing typical casual teenage attire, were apparently doing something SO offensive to Miss Piggy Lauten who basically went all passive aggressive and lashed out on two innocent teenage Black girls when really the intended target of her vitriol was Pres. Obama and likely Michelle.
  • “Dear Sasha and Malia, I get you’re both in those awful teen years, but you’re a part of the First Family, try showing a little class. At least respect the part you play. Then again your mother and father don’t respect their positions very much, or the nation for that matter, so I’m guessing you’re coming up a little short in the ‘good role model’ department. Nevertheless, stretch yourself. Rise to the occasion. Act like being in the White House matters to you. Dress like you deserve respect, not a spot at a bar. And certainly don’t make faces during televised public events.”

  • A NY Times writer named Alessandra Stanley, felt the need to call Shonda Rhimes out based on her new show “How to get away with murder”. She insisted that Ms. Rhimes should title any autobiography she may write of herself as “How to get away with being an Angry BW” . This writer took issue with “yet another network series from her to showcase a powerful intimidating Black woman”. Of course the other show she was referring to was Scandal in which Olivia Pope plays a powerful role. 

When Shonda Rhimes writes her autobiography, it should be called “How to Get Away With Being an Angry Black Woman.”

On Thursday, Ms. Rhimes will introduce “How to Get Away With Murder,” yet another network series from her production company to showcase a powerful, intimidating black woman.

  • On opening night of the show “How to get away with murder” where Viola Davis plays a powerful attorney (in an interracial relationship) a tweeter for PEOPLE magazine needed to remind Viola Davis that she was still just that maid in “The Help” by saying:

So two teenage girls who are Black and daughters of the President of the United States, both wearing typical teenage clothing, was told to “show class” and stop dressing like they “were looking for a spot at the bar”. This from a woman who was arrested as a teen for shoplifting, and one who has pictures of her floating around IN A BAR with a beer bottle hanging out of her mouth hands free. LOL. Do you see what we are up against??

They are not afraid of the stereotypical BW. Many are afraid of any BW who is NOT stereotypical. Apparently even INNOCENT Black female children and teenagers are not exempt from being a target. The comment about SHonda Rhimes being angry, was just another pot shot to remind the world, that any BW who is showing courage has some sort of power and intelligence is an “ANGRY BW”.

This is to remind BW that doing anything more than shaking your ass in a rap video or being some uncouth loud mouth pig, means you are ANGRY if you have any kind of intelligence or power outside of using your body.

Then the people tweet, was yet another reminder of how UNCOMFY people get when they see a BW not acting as a mammy. The whole point of that tweet was to say that Viola is still that mammy/maid in the movie THE HELP, no matter what role she takes that is completely opposite.

This is why I often wonder why so many Black women jump on the bandwagon supporting these kinds of movies when these Maid and help movies that showcase us as nothing more than mammies and “the help”.

Is it any wonder why these movies do so well at the box office and not the ones where BW are attractive capable competition for Non-black women? THEY LOVE YOU as being a servant, mammy, asexual sidekick, overly sexualized jezebel and sassy sapphire!

That is the Black woman they are comfy with because she is UNDESIRABLE and represents a character/caricature as opposed to a real living breathing woman with potential, style, intelligence and someone they have to compete with in many areas.

My point is – people especially those who have more to lose by BW not fitting into undesirable stereotypes, will continue to remind BW of their “place” by constantly trying to remind us of the “stereotypes” we need to stick to promoting and to stay in our “box”.

They will try to be slick (like the examples I posted above) and even appear at times to attempt to be helping you. But the reality is, the more BW who step out of the lil box of horrors so many people like us to be in, the more the attacks on our personhood will come. And young Black teenage girls and children are apparently NOT exempt from this either.

When I have seen all of the trash thrown at Michelle Obama, over the years, it has become plainly clear to me, that to many it doesn’t matter how well you carry yourself, you will always be nothing but a stereotype to them.


I have to admit I was for a long time of the belief that BW could win this battle by playing the respectability politics game. I also have to admit I did not really learn of the term or know what it was until fairly recently (I know – don’t judge me LOL). But I realized that my thoughts on how BW should be to turn our image around was based in respectability politics, and now I am not so sure I agree with playing that game.

Once I learned and researched really what the meaning of RP was – I can understand why so many Blacks believed in it and believed that it would work. I get it. But, eh, I’m not so sure that it’s really about gaining respectability, because the more I think about it, the more I realize that people who simply stereotype others have already made up in their minds that you will never be “like them” and are different. If someone has respect for you, they see you FIRST as a person and individual – NOT a group.

And it has also dawned on me. It’s not necessarily that BW’s image has to change. It’s that people refuse to ACKNOWLEDGE the scores of decent, well mannered, intelligent, kind and fun loving BW that they see and know of on a daily basis.

It’s that people have taken one kind of BW and have felt comfortable in using that image as the whole of BW. That is because people do not view BW as whole beings and individuals. Our personhood lies solely in WHAT we are and not necessarily WHO we are.

So the issue really is not the stereotypical BW. Its BW who do not fit the stereotypes, just have to be more vocal and proactive about representing ourselves. Just like the stereotypical BW have (with help) been readily representing themselves and their ilk unapologetically.

The reality is, there are ghetto BW. Loud BW. Angry BW. Overly sexualized BW. And there are ALSO BW who are the anti-thesis of those BW. But the world choses to focus on the former. So is it BW who really need to change? Or is it the world just refusing to recognize and DULY acknowledge that BW are not a monolith and that we are humans with varying personalities and characters?

It’s the latter. And because it’s the latter, there is nothing more you can do other than continue to be yourself and live your life according to your own rules and guidelines. Because no matter WHAT, the world will still choose to try fit your round bottom into that square peg.

This is why it’s IMPORTANT for BW to travel abroad! Many have said how surprising it is to just be viewed, seen and treated as a WOMAN and not some stereotype like here in America. America’s history is STEEPED in marginalizing Black women. It’s time Black American women realize its THEY who have the problem and not you. If you do not fit those stereotypes, it’s not your job to try to change them.

White women and Non Black women are given the ability to be who they are without feeling the need to PROVE they are not like their more or less favorable counterparts. They don’t have to play the respectability politics game despite the scores of unfavorable characters of their gender and racial group. So why should BW be expected to do the same?

The difference is POWER. And the power to control your images. The power to go and be around people and places that you can flourish as the wonderful being that you are, and not where you constantly have to fight to prove you are “not like the others”.

The fact of the matter is. If a person or people will choose to believe things about you based on stereotypes of Black women, it doesn’t matter how well put together and polished you are. How kind and feminine you are. They will NEVER respect you as an individual or a Black woman.

Progressive BW need to understand something. YOU are not the stereotype. And you do not have an image problem. I have come to terms with the fact that BW have no more of an image problem than any other group. It’s simply that no one wants to give BW the ability to be living and breathing INDIVIDUALS who are not a monolith.

The real issue is, Non stereotypical BW have just been too silent publicly about who we are. And we have to learn to use our power to uplift OUR KIND and create the culture that we live by daily that others refuse to acknowledge exists.

Just like there is a culture of the “Angry BW’ “the over sexualized BW’ “the sassy BW” there is also a culture of “the girl next door Black girl” ”the kind BW””the feminine BW” “the fun loving BW” etc. The problem is we have been unwilling to work to formulate our own culture as non-stereotypical BW. We have allowed one kind of BW to represent the whole. We’ve been immersed and mixed in with our unfavorable sisters – and no other group of women has to carry that burden BUT BW.

I have made a vow this day forward to no longer hold the many BW who are living right, doing well and being decent moral beings, accountable for fixing the images of the opposite BW. We have the right like all other groups to be seen as individuals and not our group.

And anything I do moving forward will focus on uplifting and promoting the culture of the PROGRESSIVE BW vs. trying to play the game of respectability politics which is an already losing battle for those who never needed to play it in the first place.


I’m curious. Please share your thoughts on Respectability Politics and whether it would benefit BW to play it. Since this is a new concept to me, I would like to hear from you all your feeling on it. Maybe I can learn something more either FOR or against it. I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so if I am missing an important aspect of RP and why you feel it does or doen’t work, please freely post it in the comments.


I just wanted to wish everyone a safe and happy Thanksgiving today! We all have so much to be thankful for.

I’m thankful for all of you who contribute to the blog :)


Boy are BW going to keep having to learn the hard way.


Understand this: BW are living in an environment society and world that does not wish to see you happy and thriving. Therefore any little inkling you give to your detractors that you are going to do just that, makes you a target for them to up the ante on pushing you back down into your rabbit whole that they want to keep you in.


One place where BW need to KEEP their MOUTHS shut about what they are doing is INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. If you venture on over to BB&W you can read the post about Jacque Reid and her public venture to “start” dating IR. And well, that didn’t work out too well. She pulled out of the PUBLIC challenge to find a Non Black mate for OBVIOUS reasons I saw before they even began.


BW. PLEASE STOP talking about it publicly about how you plan to do it etc. JUST DO IT. Don’t tell your family and friends anything unless they are already on board. don’t tell your “well meaning” co workers. Telling a family or friends of your plans to date IR when you already know they are against it is not going to help you.  The OBVIOUS happened with Jacque reid who is a host on Tom Joyner mornning show. Yes a Black environment. We all know Black environments are not the safest places for BW to make announcements that they are not going to sit around and wait for a Black man. So just don’t tell them. All they will do is spend energy talking about why you shouldn’t do that, teasing and making a joke out of you – just like her co-worksers did. And then NY post ran a tabloid bit on her doing it and that was all she wrote.


Telling the public that you as a BW are going to attempt IR dating is NOT A GOOD IDEA! The public does not want to see you as a BW successfully dating across the color lines. That is because all the time they spend propping you up as the ASEXUAL FAT BLACK MAMMY and sidekick to the Non black women with Knight and shning armours, FAIL when you are not that chick anymore.


The reason I hardly focus on talking about Interracial relationships on this particular blog even though I am 10000% behind BW doing it and understand that BW are not going to survive or have future generations unless she does it, is because I believe BW have to just DO the obvious. The less you talk about something the more time spent on doing it, the better your outcomes will be and the easier it is to offset your detractors and throw them off.


If BW took the route that Asian and Black men did we’d be in a much better place. Do you remember BM making any fanfare about dating IR when they were in the beginning stages of doing so? NOPE! Did Asian women? Nope! It was like one decade you woke up and suddenly started seeing all these BM/Non BW pairing and Asian women and Non-Asian men pairings. They were stealth and smart about how they went about it because they probably knew of the pushback. Of course there was pushback but it was way too late by the time they received it.


What I am saying is. Of course discuss IR in safe environments with other BW. But going public and sharing your intentions with people who are already against you, is goal suicide!


I will never forget recently I was at a Bachelorette party with a mixed group of women. The bride to be (Black and in an IR) and I were talking about a mutual friend of ours who we feel would already be married and with family if she stopped limiting herself to just one race of men (Black men). And BOY did the White girls have something to say. One (who is married to a nice White man and has 2 young children) said “yeah but there are a lot of no good White men out there”. I looked at her and said “well you managed to find a good one, I’m sure she could too!”. She just looked and kept saying how not all WM are great. While I don’t think she meant any real harm in saying that, she completely missed the point of our discussion.


It wasn’t about No Good Wm not existing, it was about casting your net wider to have better chances of getting your fish. That by her limiting herself to one race, it has kept her from maximizing her opportunity to find love. But all the WW could come up with is “well there are some shitty WM out there too”. Uh we know that and that was not the topic of our discussion. So see, people are just comfy in keeping BW in their place. Despite her insistince that there are “crappy WM” she managed to find one who wasn’t, got married and has her family.


Gotta watch who and where you discuss your plans ladies. Plenty of people have it INGRAINED in their psyche that BW are simply not deserving of what they have or even Better. And a lot of times they don’t even realize they feel this way. It’s just second nature.


This is especially important for the average BW who is already sensitive to caring about what other think of her life choices and BW who adjust her choices based on what others say and tell her to do. This is a serious problem with BW. We do not just DO THE OBVIOUS. And when we get a little nudge to do it, we gotta tell the whole wide world – the same world that has been working AGAINST you to achieve that very goal.


JUST.DO.IT. There is a reason why that slogan is the slogan of a mutli million dollar company. Something’s you just have to DO and stop talking about it. Its fine to discuss your goals as a BW in a safe environment with other like-minded BW. But the buck should stop there. It’s always going to backfire when BW make announcements about doing anything that can be a positive for her life.


IR is the last frontier of keeping BW in her place – for a number of people and reasons, it behooves them to keep BW in her place, feeling unwanted, fat, asexual and not with quality men of ANY race. I would recommend in your own personal lives as a BW to just DO the things you want and don’t discuss them with anyone until well after you have accomplished that goal.


Of course if you have like-minded people or blogs (like this and others ) to discuss that is fine. But beware of discussing your ideas about self and life improvement AND DATING with just anyone. People are used to and comfy in seeing BW stay in her little box and rabbit hole. The minute you start trying to climb out and letting those same people know that you plan on doing so, you have just sabotaged yourself and your goals because now they will use their power to mentally and emotionally bludgeon you until you fall back into your rabbit hole and box.


JUST. DO. IT. LADIES! Don’t talk about it – be about it!

Do You Have ‘Victim Mentality’? What To Do About It


Ok the article was poorly written (look whose talkin! Yeah but no one is paying me to write – Lol) but you get the jist.

Moving forward, my blog will not focus on VICTIMHOOD.

It will simply be about ACKNOWLEDGING & UTILIZING the power that you have as a Black woman.

No more blaming the black church, black community, black men, or anyone!

It’s time for BW to poop or just get off the pot! Time is running out and there is no more room for VICTIMHOOD. This world is changing RAPIDLY (for the worse) and for those BW who cannot get it together, they will be in a really bad place! I’m not kidding. When I look at where thus world is headed its scarey, but even scarier for powerless BW stuck in VICTIMHOOD status.

If you are a BW who wants to blame everyone else for the choices you make, you won’t like this blog.

I’m changing my tune because time is running out for Black women. It’s imperative BW start making better choices and holding themselves accountable or things will just get worse.

I don’t think some BW truly realize the power we have – and I pity the fools!

It’s NOVEMBER already!!!???? And no more VICTIMHOOD!

Where does the time go?


It seems like after you turn 18 the years just FLY by and you kep getting older, and older, and older. LOL


HEY YALL!!! October has been a crazay busy! WHEW. Everytime I sat down to do a post I got sidetracked with work and everything else life brings.


And I developed some new obsessions in the last month. Reading about ISIS and EBOLA in the news. JESUSSS BE A FENCE! What is going on in the world? I have so much to say!

Anyway I’m back with a vengeance and I will probably make some people uncomfortable with my next couple posts. But you know what? I have come to terms with who I am and I just have to learn to be comfortable with that. I have also accepted that in that I will turn some people off and people will make negative judgements about me. But such is life. For the numbers of people who will balk at the things I say, there are many more who GET ME and get what I am saying., And that is what really matters – the people who GET IT.


I would never say anything harmful or to be outright mean to anyone. But I have to accept I am more of a tough love kind of person than I am an “enabler” or coddler or even a softy who is going to tip toe around calling a spade a spade. I am not saying this is the way or best way to be, I’m just saying that with me “it is what it is” and I can no longer get caught up in feeling that my approach is any more WRONG than a person who takes a very passive approach to saying how they feel.

Which brings me to the topic and title of the next couple posts.
















Rut Roh!!!!! The SGHTF!!


I’m mad. i’m tired. I’m weary. I just can’t with the constant victimhood and finger pointing as to why certain BW cannot get themselves together and keep making OBVIOUS silly choices that even some teenagers would avoid.


Hang tight. I ave over 4 pages of rambling that I have to edit down to something comprehinsible. LOL in the meantime thus article below will get you prepared.


Do You Have ‘Victim Mentality’? What To Do About It

THIS! You need to be having what SHE is having!


If you are a young BW  – Get you some of what she’s having and QUICK!

You would think Black women were living on cloud nine if you were some alien from another planet and this was the first photo you saw of a Black girl.

This is a selfie. Which means maybe a little filter was used but not much more. in essence, this is a REAL chick whose look is attainable for your average run of the mill Black girl.

Seriously, this photo EPITOMIZES the way in which young BW should look. She’s SMIZING – (smiling with her eyes) and face. You cannot fake joy with your eyes. Her eyes look alive. She is thin and you can tell she relishes in her femininity.

Does she look like somebody that will be standing on the front lines getting tear gassed, shot with rubber bullletts and singing the old negroe spiritual? UH.NO!

Does she look like a non threatening MAMMY? UH.NO!

Do you think this girl is having any prob getting dates with ANY MAN of ANY RACE? UH.NO!


RANDOM THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY – When BW are “good for the struggle and NOT the celebration”

Pretty powerful words spoken from a commenter on a site I went to.

There have been a lot of things DAWNING on me lately. To many to cover in one post. So I may have a string of random thought posts this week.

First up -


Its utterly important for BW to realize that when you marry or exclusively date a man who has not yet hit his stride, you run the risk of being kicked aside once he has made it.

This is *NOT* a race issue as it happens and can happen to all women in relationships early on with men who are still in the process of making a name for himself and careers.

Understandably, its not out of the question that a woman who loves her guy will accept his invitation to marriage if she sees he has ambition, works hard and loves her. Understandably, you as a wife will want to help and support your husband in his quest and ambitions as marriage tells us to stick with and by our partner through thick and thin. Of course you do this because you love him and see that eventually all your hard work and support will pay off for you and your children later.

UNFORTUNATELY, a lot of men do not stick to that rule of thumb or vow once they make it. Yes even if they have small children, they often can and will leave their “starter” wives and baby mommas to “greener” pastures. And most of the greener pastures are women who refused to be a starter woman – for better or worse.

The wife who stood by, sacrificed and went without while her husband was on his way to the top and had to struggle on the way there, gets left in the cold and has to watch as he bestows all of his “spoils” from success on his new younger, or prettier or just more savvy g/f and future wife.

Black women – PROGRESSIVE BW especially need to understand this phenomenon clearly, as to better protect yourself and interests.

The time has passed for BW constantly taking the high road and to stop  repeating that nonsense that men who need someone to help them while “he has nothing” and struggles. Its proven to be a strategy that only and ONLY benefits the men and their future trophy wives later. Then when these same men make it,they leave for women who they *REALLY* feel are worthy of the rewards and celebration that comes with his new found success.

Don’t be that BW who stays loosing! ;)

One thing that kinda stirred up this notion in me has been several things over the years. The most recent being Kevin Shart Hart.

KEVIN HART SHART ; The Cautionary Tale for the unambiguous Black woman.

So what has Kevin Hart Shart have to do with is.

Well I won’t post all the unfortunate but COMMON comments Black men like him have made publicly about BW (you can go here  http://bougieblackgirl.com/kevin-hart-telling-black-women-will-dis-everyone-else-limits-going/ and read Bougie Black girls coverage of things he has said).

Instead, I want to focus on pointing out the cautionary tale for Black women who are the “starter struggle sidekick sista” and then later cast aside and humiliated once your Black King has garnered enough financial success & popularity and “upgrades” to a more “acceptable” Black woman – you know those “BLACK” women in which the first question that comes to your mind is “what exactly is she mixed with?”. That’s if you are lucky! Many times the woman is simply not even of color. LOL

I want to focus on Torrie Hart, Kevin’s now ex-wife who is speaking out about what she has gone through since being dumped and left/divorced by Kevin Hart.

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Torrie Hart by all accounts is a Black woman. She is not mixed looking but your regular cute run of the mill atypical looking Black girl. She and Kevin Hart dated and married very young. Yes that means she was with and married to him and had kids by him when he wasn’t shit but a midget with a dream.

But the point I wish to make in this is, how she was treated and dumped after he gained success (and openly admitted to cheating on her in the marriage) and how BW still support this Kneegrow and sponsor his new  mixed “rib” (yes this is the reference he gives to his new trophy – lol) is just another cautionary tale for progressive non mixed BW who have some small hope that one day you will be given your rightful place in the hearts and minds of the Black community and Black men for all your love, loyalty, and struggle.


Your sisters who even look like you would much rather sponsor and rah rah on these kneegrows twitter and Instagram pages and salivate at the life that same kneegrow gives to his newly UPGRADED “Black” woman; something that many of the BW who support them know will never be reserved for them.

It’s really sad to watch.  But what’s even worse is the lack of support given to the Black woman who looks like you and did all the typical things BW are told to do for her man, people etc., and when she expresses NORMAL HUMAN feelings like being hurt and feeling humiliated and betrayed once he makes it and kicks her aside like last years hardened dog poop, all that’s left for her is ;

—“get over it hater!” 

—“you just mad because he moved on with his life” 

— “stop trying to throw shade at him for being successful now cause you aint reaping the benefits” 


Once again, by her own people and women who LOOK LIKE HER, the unambiguous BW is told to just STFU, GET OVER IT, MOVE ON and FORGET about all the things she sacrificed all in the name of not being called a hater and bitter. Torrie was not his BABY MOMMA. She was his legal wife and mother of his children who was with him and worked with him while he was a struggling comedian and actor.

Meanwhile the home wrecking mixed mistress (now fiancé)

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is getting all the love and likes and

“ooh y’all make a beautiful couple” “babies soon please!” “damn girl you killing it” “nevermind them haters boo you are beautiful and fabulous” “what an amazing couple you are, Kevin looks really happy”.



Kanye West Pest basically told y’all directly in a song, what he and other Black men are going to do after you struggle with them and once they make it he “leaves your ass for a White girl”. LOL BW loooove them some Kanye and Kim too. HA!

I can’t make this shit up. Thats the sad part.


Torrie like MOST in the dark BW, believe that a life of servitude, loyalty, and “standing by and helping your man” while he is trying to make it, is something honorable that will garner great results later once he makes it. Many BW believe that if they start off as the struggle sidekick to their Black men, that he will reward her for her sacrifice and struggles with him later.

Uhm. NO.

***Let me make a quick note here. This happens with all races of men, so do not think if you are a BW who dates interracially, that you will escape this phenomenon! You won’t unless you choose wisely and marry and date men who are already established and have options but HAD TO HAVE YOU*****

Progressive BW like myself see the writing on the wall.

This happens with other races of women to who get traded off for a younger or prettier woman. But its a bit more unique for BW, since BW often are raised and reared to believe that these actions will pay off later. And rarely do they.

This is why BW cannot afford to settle for the role of starter sidekick. Get yourself a man  that is already ESTABLISHED is my message. BW never win in the game of being the one that sacrificed and struggled with their up and coming ambitious men.

A progressive BW will find a man that is already set so that she knows and feels confident that he chose you when he had OPTIONS and not when no one wanted him because he didn’t have anything. Because men and women know this – all of these trophy wives and girlfriends would never marry, date or screw half these men when they had nothing and were struggling.

BW can take the high road and keep saying how it aint right, but other races of women have no shame in raising their daughters to GET THEMSELVES  in whatever position (i.e. living stress and carefree, taking care of her physical self ONLY, staying in top physical shape, and definitely not being mammies for their communities and men) to attract the men who are already established and who can give her a good care free life.

Of course I am NOT saying BW should not have their own and not have ambitions of their own and not be successful in their own right. But you can walk and chew gum at the same time sweetie!

Back to the Hart’s.

Miss Torrie Hart has unfortunately learned this in the most painful way. Not only was her divorce from Kevin Shart PUBLIC, but he has publicly humiliated her and gone into details of why he divorced and left her.  And then, and *THEN*  after sticking with him, busting her ass for him when he was just a  midget with a dream and no car, she settled for $175K for the divorce. You read right. ONE HUNDRED and SEVENTY FIVE THOUSAND! His new “ribs” ring looks like it cost infinity of what she Torrie the ex wife received in the divorce settlement – and the “rib”  didn’t do anything to help his career! LOL

This Kneegrow at the time was worth 9 million buckaroos when he gladly let his ex wife walk out the courtroom after a long battle for $175K! NO. There was no pre nup like his stans are trying to say. How can there be a pre nup when you didn’t have shit when you married your wife and she was the one working and shuffling money to you &  letting you drive *HER* car (yes she admits all of this when he was working towards his come up and career)?


That is what she got for her role as the struggling, sidekick sista wifey for all those years she stood OVER his midget ass! She has two small children with him and receives $20k a month for them. But what a slap in the freakin face 9 million dollar man whose wife helped him get there and she gets a whopping – 175k!?



Then she says “he paid for my BDAY yacht party” as a way to downplay how wrrrrong he did her in the divorce? LOL  FORREALS TORRIE???? Come on Torrie!

This situation is very similar to how Steve Harvey did his first wife who also got screwed in divorce proceedings as he went on to marry a younger light skinned BW.

I want to re-emphasie a comment I just noted above. A commenter on the site where this was being discussed said this:

“……..Unfortunately we Black women *HAVE TO ACCEPT* we are only good for the struggle but not the celebration, when it comes to Black men making it.”


Where do I start. Ok. That comment was RIGHT in its premise. But it was wrong in its inference that “unfortunately BW  have to ACCEPT”. UHM. NO. BW don’t have to accept anything. What BW need to learn is to stop DOING THE SHIT if you are not receiving anything from it! I mean damn! How hard of a concept is it for BW to just simply take all your energy, money and put it into making YOURDAMNSELF fabulous in every way possible and stop footing the bill early on to pay off the new trophies lifestyle that you were working with your man together for?


This is the thanks BW get for sticking by and standing by Black men.

This man has a dark brown-skinned UNDENIABLY Black daughter, yet still felt no sense of shame or disgust making comments about dark Black women:


This coming from a man who totes around his new “RIB” (as he calls her) who does nothing that we know of other than post Instagram selfies of herself vacationing, traveling and hanging out with him everywhere he goes and bringing along with her, her  other ambiguously Black looking g/f’s who are enjoying her new come up. LOL

In many of her pics, you will not find any “real” looking BW unless its his daughter, sister or momma. LOL

Isn’t it funny how the things BM accuse BW of (not wanting to be with them when they are broke nobodies) are the very things they are willing to accept from their “trophies” who they know wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire when hey didn’t have anything? LOL

Black Women Embracing the ambiguous BW and NON BW that BM step over BW to get, while throwing their sisters “in the struggle” under the bus.

The saddest part of all? Black women just lob dem some of these BM’s new acquired prizes! LOL

If you go onto comments pages of the likes of Kim Kardashian, Racheal Roy (who once she made it dumped her thug hubby after he lost everything lol) Evelyn Lozada (who is now marrying a wealthy baseball player), Eniko Parrish (Kevin’s new fiancé”) and whoever the newest mixed or non BW prize is on the famous BM’s arms, all you will see is praise and worship from BW.

I remember what Ushers unambiguous wife Tamika Foster went through when they got together. You would think BW would relish in the fact that he married a BLACK LOOKING woman. But no, she received all kinds of hate and shade and suspicion for being with Usher. Rarely have I seen this kind of hate directed at the Mixed and Non Black “prizes” of BM from BW.

And that is when it finally dawned on me today after reading the comments on Eniko’s Instagram page that BW have a serious problem and thus why we will stay loosing as a collective. Because we are our own greatest enemy.

In typical fashion, there are more comments posting about how this mixed home wrecker and her life is amazing, how beautiful she is and how she should ignore the haters. One Black woman even went so far as to braggingly post (under one of her bikini selfies) that she, Eniko,  was “KILLING TORRIE”.

These are BLACK WOMEN and other races, but my focus is on BLACK WOMEN and girls.

This is not the first time I have seen this. Black women love them some Evelyn Lozada, Draya Michelle Kim Kardashian, Rachael Roy etc. And when I look at these women pages, I see them celebrating with all their *CLOSE* friends who you guessed are not regular looking BW, but women who look like them!

Most mixed and Non Black or ambiguously Black looking women, love the benefits they receive in the Black community  being able to freely snag successful wealthy BM and have their little doormat Black women support them and further their careers.

DO you think BW in great numbers would receive that kind of praise and love in other races if the women were CONSTANTLY bypassed and stepped over for BW? HELL NO! Only BW like contributing to their own downfall.

While Eniko (lol doesn’t get any less Black than that) has close to 1 million Instagram followers  – many of which consist of Black women and girls (based on looking at the comments), Miss Torrie who is on a VH1 show and is the wronged BW has just grazed the 100k mark.

It dawned on me today, that little undeniably Black girls are in deep doo doo. They are alone and in their loneliness, cling to the very image and women who are receiving all the courtesy, considerations, concessions and cooperation (term coined by Halima of BW’s interracial dating circle – and I am adding another C term – CELEBRATION), they know they will never receive from the very men they prop up, support and stand by,  to only to be  kicked to the curb once the struggle is over and its time for the celebration.


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Do what the mixed and Non BW are doing – not being a mammy! (none of the above pics of these gorgeous fun carefree looking BW represents struggle or mamboing does it? GET FABULOUS!. Don’t Give a shit about being called a gold digger, work on improving your physical self the best possible way, spend only your time and energy working on YOU and surround yourself with other fabulous BW like yourself, be more selfish, and you too may one day be the woman that the already established man has to have and bestow everything he has to give upon you because he sees you as a PRIZE and not a struggling starter sidekick to his future success.

DOCUMENTARY – taking a class!

Ok so as you know I am planning a documentary.

I had planned on just doing it myself based on the idea that it can’t be too difficult to create a documentary on your own. I’ve seen quite a bit of them and they do not look hard at all.


but I decided to look into courses for documentary and there is actually a course being offered at one of the film schools. It’s pretty expensive but I think I’m going to take the plunge. Mainly because throughout the class I have to work towards my project and I actually have to shoot and do things. The final project will be a short 3-5 minute documentary that I have to share with the class at the end.


)I think this will force me to actually physically do it!!


I don’t know if I have any readers in the LA area but there is a part where I have to do the interview part. If I decide to do a small bit on Black women (still trying to decide if I let the cat out the bag in the class or just do a generic documentary) . But if I do decide to do something on BWE if there is female reader or two on here that lives in LA area and would like to be my interviewee, please let me know. That way I can plan ahead and have someone in place.


im so freakin excited!!!! I hope I get what I need from this class to be able to make a bomb documentary. Plus I’m going to learn how to edit and all of that.





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