BLACK WOMEN, WHITE MEN online dating, racial categories, and the HORSES MOUTH!

WHITE MEN please respond truthfully and honestly on this issue.

I really would like to hear from the horse’s mouth on how you view this issue. If you can make it through this wordy post and actually give me some honest answers to my questions you will receive a prize – tons of good karma tokens of love and appreciation!!!

OK here goes……

So I occasionally will venture to interracial sites focused on Back women dating outside of their race. A topic of contention that comes up often is the online dating issue and Black women. What issue is that?

Well there seems to be (based on numerous live accounts from various Black women) that many Black women get very few profile views and clicks on many sites. I don’t do online dating personally, so I can’t really comment one way or another. There have also been studies done that say basically the same thing. Often times BW have admitted that online dating has been really disheartening b/c when they look at many of the profiles of Non Black men, many will have every race checked except Black. In other words, these men are seeking everything BUT black women.

In my eyes if a Non Black man is interested in meeting or seeking Black women for relationships etc., online dating sites  would be the quickest and easiest way b/c it’s as simple as him checking a box to have Black women come up on his searches. IN MY EYES, if a man CONSCIOUSLY removes, unchecks “Black” as a preference, he CLEARLY knows that this is not what he is looking for.

SO………..

Well recently a guest author posted an experiment she did on an online dating site. She, clearly is a brown skinned non mixed looking Black woman (and attractive). She had been on a particular dating site for awhile and noticed she was receiving very little profile views or messages. Maybe 2-5 a day with her profile listed as being a Black woman.

So she decided to try an experiment to see what would happen if she checked all the racial categories on her profile. So now she is no longer “JUST” Black but rather Black and a host of other races. What she found was very eye opening. That she went from receiving 2-5 profile contacts and views per day to literally tenfold that as a mixed woman. Literally the nest day she had 60 profile views with 27 responses. The only thing she changed was her racial categories to include more races. Her picture still the same as it was when she was simply listed as a Black woman,  showed an obviously brown skinned Black woman.

There were Non-black men who otherwise would have never found her (because they had the Black box unchecked) who had actually responded to her profile, even though they did not have Black checked and though she looked Black and unmixed. It seems the idea or label of her being mixed is what brought these men out of the woodworks not necessarily what she looked like. Even after seeing her Black unmixed face, they still had some interest based on what she put down on her racial makeup.

Well the debate began and many of the women felt that the only reason why more Non Black men contacted her and viewed her profile was b/c she came up in more searches based on increasing her racial identity. But THAT MEANS also, that many or all of these men were NOT searching for Black, had no interest in checking that box, and only became interested after she showed up in their searches b/c of other non-black racial categories which they had checked. IOW’s she had to “modify” herself and race to get more responses and hits.

So my point was that, these men were only interested after realizing that she was not simply a “regular” non-mixed Black woman, but after she “exoticized” herself to be mixed they suddenly had an interest – even if her picture clearly showed she was Black and non-mixed looking.

Other argues that this was not the case and it was no harm in a Black woman checking all the racial categories and claiming to be mixed simply if it gets her in front of more Non Black men’s searches.

I disagreed and said that this was LYING and desperate and these men were only interested based on her racial identity not simply being Black b/c they were more interested in a watered down version of Black. Also, that Black women should not seek to be with men who are only interested in them being “mixed” and who would have never sought her out b/c they had clearly not placed Black as a category of interest in their searches.

I feel this is not a healthy route for Black women b/c I feel that if a man wants something in particular he will seek it. The fact is, the White men who are interested in all races including Black, it’s as easy as checking the box to get the profiles of Black women. In my eyes when a man chooses to purposely uncheck a particular racial box, that TO ME, says he isn’t interested in that particular type or race of women.

These women argues with me saying that sometimes men don’t know what they really want until they actually see something or someone who caught his eye that he may have never sought. Others say the reason White and other Non-black men uncheck the Black box is b/c they feel most Black women have no interest in dating interracially, so they don’t even bother to look or seek Black women out.

I SAY that if a man even in face of possibly knowing most Black women don’t date interracially, if he is open and somewhat interested in Black women, him searching the online profiles of Black women who obviously are open to dating other races is very easy and simple for him to do. If he doesn’t make that effort its b/c he is not interested.

I also said that no Black woman should LIE, stretch the truth or start pulling all kinds of admixtures out of their asses to be deemed acceptable and desirable to men online. And that it is simply better to wait for the guys who actually are seeking Black to contact them (even if they only get 2 profile hits a year) than playing into some racial prejudice game to attract men who really weren’t interested in the first place.

Another Black woman did the same exact experiment and the same results. Regular BW = very little responses and views. Mixed up Black woman = a shitload of responses and views – even when the picture clearly showed a Black non mixed looking woman.

Many of these BW are in denial IMO and are saying  things like “Well men sometimes think they know what they want until they actually see it”, “that it’s just as simple as a Black woman tricking the computer system by increasing her odds at getting more profile views by claiming races that she really isn’t”.  OTHERS chose the let me claim the 1/18 amount of White or Indian I have in my bloodline bc technically that’s not lying about being mixed. All of this seems totally ridiculous and desperate to me.

So let me ask the White men this:

1)      Is it as simple as these men may not have known that they “wanted or were interested” in a BW until they actually saw her by chance?  OR do men clearly know what they want and if they make a conscious choice to uncheck a particular racial category they are not interested in, b/c that is truly not what they are looking for?

2)      Am I making a bigger deal of this than I need to be? Am I reading too deeply into this? Is it really no big deal for a Black women to do whatever necessary to increase her chances of being in front of more men’s eyeballs online by checking racial categories that would garner more results?

3)      Should Black women stay Black and proud or mix themselves up for a few dates and profile clicks?

4)      What are the odds that a man who was not consciously seeking out a Black woman or woman of a particular race, changing his views and extending himself based on a particular woman’s pic and profile popping up on his search even though he had not searched directly for that particular type of woman?

5)      Are men *REALLY*  confused about  what they want or is it painfully true that men DO in fact know what they want and sometimes for whatever reasons it’s NOT a particular type of woman – be it her race or other factors, and no matter the amount of tricking “computer algorithms” to increase your odds of being in more searches (yes someone actually said that is what this all boils down to and not lying about your racial make-up) is going to change that?

6)      Would you see it as a desperate attempt of a BW who CLEARLY looks Black but is claiming all of these racial admixtures to seem more exotic and acceptable to you or men who are more comfy with a watered down Black woman vs. a simply regular black girl even if she looked like a Black woman?

7)      What are your thoughts on the success rate Black women would have by doing this (checking all of the racial categories on her profile to come up on more Non lack men’s searches who would not have otherwise seen her b/c they did not have the “Black” box checked for preferences)?  

I’m seriously looking for thoughts and real answers on how White male view this since the women kept saying that I cannot speak for White men and why they did or didn’t make certain choices. So I am asking the HORSE to give it to me from the horse’s MOUTH on what is really going on.

Thanks!!!!

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243 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jason
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 00:33:11

    Damn you’re longwinded, Neecy! SO…

    Me: White male.
    Her: Black female.

    Found her online. It seemed to work okay. We were together a year. I felt some blowback from her mother, even though her second husband was white.

    I don’t have much opinion about checking/unchecking/algorithims except to say that I wasn’t looking for anyone in particular. Also, mixed-race is more attractive to everybody, so why not check it? For most black Americans, it’s true anyways. Let it dawn on the man slowly — if it lasts more than a couple of dates — that you’re black. If you cook well enough and are funny/smart/nice enough, he’ll stick around.

    You could also just lie and say that you’re creole.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 20, 2012 @ 07:18:26

      Hi Jason!! Thank you sooo much for your response.

      I’m sorry that girls mother was a tool UGH! But at least you tried.

      I guess the thing I have with a Black woman modifying her racial status to “mixed” is that she is playin into racial prejudices to gain an advantage. Yes mixed people are deemed more attractive, but Black women have been dealing with this issue for decades and centuries and I feel it is unhealthy for a Black woman to say she is more “exotic” just to get dates.

      I feel that for a Black woman doing online dating she should be more patient and wait for the one guy who does find her “good enough” as she is. that may take longer, but at least she knows he would love her as she is and not as a “safer” option.

      But the reason i asked White men to respond is b/c maybe i am overrreacting by saying Black women shouldn’t do this b/c its wrong and only going to hurt her in the end. Maybe White men don’t really care one way or another since when they see Black they see Black whether they are mixed or not.

      Reply

  2. Mark Slater
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 00:36:34

    1) Is it as simple as these men may not have known that they “wanted or were interested” in a BW until they actually saw her by chance? OR do men clearly know what they want and if they make a conscious choice to uncheck a particular racial category they are not interested in, b/c that is truly not what they are looking for?

    Most men know what they want, and the de-checking of “Black” is no accident. Men of the 21st Century are (or, so we’re told) more open-minded and less discriminating in general than their fathers and grandfathers were; yet when it comes to the importance of a potential love-mate, we can be very prejudiced, indeed. Many White men still think, in the recessive id of their minds, of Black women as loud, lazy, overweight, and generally unpleasant (with a few blessed exceptions)

    2) Am I making a bigger deal of this than I need to be? Am I reading too deeply into this? Is it really no big deal for a Black women to do whatever necessary to increase her chances of being in front of more men’s eyeballs online by checking racial categories that would garner more results?

    Are you making a bigger deal of this than need be? Not at all. You have expended a great deal of energy and thought into improving the romantic fortunes yourself in particular and all worthy, desirable Black women in general.

    3) Should Black women stay Black and proud or mix themselves up for a few dates and profile clicks?

    Should I continue to wear cowboy boots and stand up straight to pass myself off as 5’10″; or wear slippers and slouch to 5’8″? Is this a dishonest way to garner female attention?

    4) What are the odds that a man who was not consciously seeking out a Black woman or woman of a particular race, changing his views and extending himself based on a particular woman’s pic and profile popping up on his search even though he had not searched directly for that particular type of woman?

    Don’t know. Attraction works in mysterious ways.

    5) Are men confused little babies that truly don’t know what they want or is it painfully true that men DO in fact know what they want and sometimes for whatever reasons it’s NOT a particular type of woman – be it her race or other factors, and no matter the amount of tricking “computer algorithms” to increase your odds of being in more searches (yes someone actually said that is what this all boils down to and not lying about your racial make-up) is going to change that?

    We know what we want. We may end up with someone far different than the Perfect Lover swirling around in our heads (i.e, “I’d never thought I’d fall for a girl like Tiffany”), but the Perfect Lover is there.

    6) Would you see it as a desperate attempt of a BW who CLEARLY looks Black but is claiming all of these racial admixtures to seem more exotic and acceptable to you or men who are more comfy with a watered down Black woman vs. a simply regular black girl even if she looked like a Black woman?

    I would see this as a desperate attempt.

    7) What are your thoughts on the success rate Black women would have by doing this (checking all of the racial categories on her profile to come up on more Non lack men’s searches who would not have otherwise seen her b/c they did not have the “Black” box checked for preferences)?

    Not as bad, perhaps, as the 45 year-old passing herself off as 32 with a decade-old photo; but still as something she will sooner or later have to fess up to.

    Reply

    • Marellus
      Sep 20, 2012 @ 02:21:44

      Neecy, I agree with everything Mark is saying. SNAFU.

      But you’re doing well with the men methinks. :-)

      Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 20, 2012 @ 07:37:41


      Most men know what they want, and the de-checking of “Black” is no accident. Men of the 21st Century are (or, so we’re told) more open-minded and less discriminating in general than their fathers and grandfathers were; yet when it comes to the importance of a potential love-mate, we can be very prejudiced, indeed. Many White men still think, in the recessive id of their minds, of Black women as loud, lazy, overweight, and generally unpleasant (with a few blessed exceptions)


      MARRRRRK!! How ya doin??? Thank you so much for you open and honest post!
      I agree Mark. I do believe a lot of these women are delusionizing (is that a word? Lol) themselves by saying or thinking that White men not checking the Black box is simply b/c they may have not known that they were interested in a Black woman. I think that Black women have to face some truths. I also wholeheartedly believe that most of the non-attraction men in general have of the average Black woman is due to the horrible images, perceptions and stereotypes (many of which Black women have been all too happy to uplay) as being un feminine, loud and abrasive and even overweight and asexual.

      My philosophy to the Black women running the websites where these women are was that maybe they should be less focused on telling other BW how to snag a White guy, but rather focused on educating and creating forums for Black women to improve their images as a whole, so they don’t have to lie on dating sites about being “not really Black”.

      Although, many BW need to also realize that they don’t need most or all of White men to find them attractive or dateable. Just a small few. Their motto is it just takes “only one” man to appreciate and love you as a woman and that is true. But if BW are going to get better options in men they have to FIRST improve these images.

      Are you making a bigger deal of this than need be? Not at all. You have expended a great deal of energy and thought into improving the romantic fortunes yourself in particular and all worthy, desirable Black women in general.


      Thank you. It’s just they kept saying that I was making a big deal out of nothing b/c there was no harm in a Black woman lying or stretching the truth about her racial mix in order to get more profile views. I , just something in my gut says it’s wrong and unhealthy to have to lie about who you are for someone to be interested in you.

      Also there seems to be a double standard they are applying. When Black men openly express their desires for mixed and more exotic Black women, Black women seem to think it is so wrong. But you have these same Black women on that site who complain about Black men and their colorism against regular Black women, saying its ok to yield to colorists White men’s ideals by playing into their racial preferences that may not include Black.

      I just feel no woman should ever modify her racial self to be acceptable to any man or anyone in general. I feel if a person loves and likes you, they should and will take you as you are. This may mean less responses from certain types of men, but at least the responses that do come in would be SINCERE and GENUINE.

      Should I continue to wear cowboy boots and stand up straight to pass myself off as 5’10″; or wear slippers and slouch to 5’8″? Is this a dishonest way to garner female attention?

      HAHHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

      We know what we want. We may end up with someone far different than the Perfect Lover swirling around in our heads (i.e, “I’d never thought I’d fall for a girl like Tiffany”), but the Perfect Lover is there.

      LOL that is exactly what I said. That yes, maybe on occasion a man may stray from what it is he usually or typically prefers, but overall most men KNOW what they want and are generally steadfast in their choice and hardly ever budge. And if they do, when it comes to mating, they will most likely not stick around long enough when the women he really wants comes along. They didn’t want to accept that and said that I was “speaking for White men”. OOOOOO KKKKKK!!!!!

      I would see this as a desperate attempt.

      OK so we are 1 for 1. One guy so far has said to change the racial profile – no biggie, you say no.


      Not as bad, perhaps, as the 45 year-old passing herself off as 32 with a decade-old photo; but still as something she will sooner or later have to fess up to.

      LMAO! I think lying or stretching the truth on online dating is so wrong and it’s a waste of people’s time. This is why I don’t do it b/c I have heard to may horror stories. But my point to them was be yourself and it may take longer for that guy to come along, but he will eventually and at least he will like you for you. Others felt that they should appeal to the men who weren’t interested in them in the first place, by adding in other racial categories. I think in the long run it will not garner any real success for Black women doing this. *shrug*

      Reply

  3. Marellus
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 01:50:26

    Reblogged this on The Commenter.

    Reply

  4. Name
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 03:29:12

    The short answer: Do whatever you want. No one is going to notice or care one way or another.

    Guys who aren’t interested in black chicks will simply not respond. Almost all american blacks are mixed anyway (ex. Halle Berry is probably more white than black, Rihanna, Jessica Alba — All highly mixed). I personally have virtually no interest in black women but what’s going to happen if I see them popping up in my search results? Am I going to write off a nastygram? That’d be a total waste of time. Ignore and move on.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 20, 2012 @ 07:42:52

      Hi Name! Thanks for your response.

      I guess at the end of the day every woman will do what she feels best for herself. But i still say, don’t bother and stick to waiting for the guys who are interested. i think its the equivalent of an overweight person checking the thin or athletic build box to get on more people’s searches, yet when the people see that they are not what they were searching for they kinda in their heads get annoyed.

      Its simple to me. If a man wants you, he will seek you out. if he doesn’t, he will avoid doing that and that is why I don’t feel thse women should try to get in front of men who really weren’t interested in them in the first place.

      Reply

      • Tony
        Apr 29, 2013 @ 14:34:30

        Neecy I will say you are long winded.
        My experience with dating is that men and women seem to go for looks first. Then other issues second. I persoally would love to date more black women. And would have no problem dating seriously. And I would like the interacial sites you mentioned though I do better in person than online.

        Reply

  5. LynxViridis
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 05:19:22

    Maybe white men who openly search for black women are afraid of beeing deemed low-status and thereby getting fewer responses from white women?

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 20, 2012 @ 07:46:26

      hmmmmm. “low status”? So are you saying White men who date Black women are deemed “low status” in White circles? And are you also saying White women are just as racially prejudice (although many times they and everyone likes to say they aren’t) b/c they would judge a White man for dating Black?

      Intersting. never thought of that.

      personally I feel Black women shouldn’t waste time or energy seeking out men of other races. Its still too hostile of an environment out there for Black women in general. If a single non Black man has an interest, let him come to her and let that be that is my philosophy. Unfortunatley, these women didn’t want to listen to me over the years and now they are finding out the realities the hard way.

      Reply

      • LynxViridis
        Sep 20, 2012 @ 13:48:56

        “So are you saying White men who date Black women are deemed “low status” in White circles? And are you also saying White women are just as racially prejudice (although many times they and everyone likes to say they aren’t) b/c they would judge a White man for dating Black?”

        At least in my country wm who date asian women are low status so maybe that applies to wm who date bw too.

        WW aren’t quite as racially prejudiced as wm are, but still more than they would admit.

        Reply

        • Neecy
          Sep 20, 2012 @ 16:04:08

          Can I ask what country you are from?

          Reply

          • LynxViridis
            Sep 21, 2012 @ 00:52:11

            Sweden.

            Reply

            • Neecy
              Sep 21, 2012 @ 09:27:06

              Interesting, Since I have heard from the mouths of African and/or AA women that Swedish and Nordic men are the most anyt-colorist men and usually have no problems dating women of color – including Black. In fact there have been many Black women on various forums i have participated in who have either moved to these locations or have found hsubands from the Nordic countries and have said nothing but good things.

              This is not to say all Nordic men are like this, but the idea I got is they are less hung up on race than thier American WHite bretheren when it comes to interracial dating with Black women.

              And frankly, the whole “low status” crap that White women *MAY* use towards a White male who dates out of his race is just a ploy and game to make White men feel bad or unwilling to give his affections (and economic gains) to other races of women. By claiming white men who date out of thier race are “low status” White women are playing a game to try to keep them all to themselves. They don’t really believe that b/c if that were the case they wouldn’t even bother with calling thee men out if they didn’t really ant them.

              Reply

              • LynxViridis
                Sep 25, 2012 @ 05:47:46

                Yes, i think the black-white thing is much less of an issue here in Sweden than in America, as you suggest. Race hasn’t really ever been an issue here (because there were only whites here). Only recently because of immigration to some extent, but even now it’s more of a political/religious/cultural thing than a color-of-skin thing. In America you have had this thing going on since even before the founding of your nation.

                But i still do think that ideally a wm in Swe would prefer someone of his own race and culture when sitting in front of his computer. However once he happens to meet someone from another race/culture and really does fall in love that becomes less of an issue, of course. And yes, ww do play that low status thing but it nevertheless is somewhat of an issue for men, at least here in Swe. Guys who can’t get laid at home have to bring a poor lady from Thailand or the Philippines bla bla bla… As a man you don’t want to come across as a guy who actively searches for asian or african women.

                Reply

                • Neecy
                  Sep 25, 2012 @ 08:39:23

                  HEY LYNX!!

                  And yes, ww do play that low status thing but it nevertheless is somewhat of an issue for men, at least here in Swe. Guys who can’t get laid at home have to bring a poor lady from Thailand or the Philippines bla bla bla… As a man you don’t want to come across as a guy who actively searches for asian or african women.

                  AHH. now its making sense to me why. We are talking about men who go to 3rd world countries and look women. Ok it sort of makes sense why they deem these men low status. The same can be applied here in the USA moreso with the Asian mail bride orderes who are seen as omegas who can’t get laid or get women in the USA. But men who date regualr Americanized Asian women are not deemed the same as the ones who go after the 3rd world ones. Still i say its every man’s perogative to go after what he wants without having to be demonized for it. *shrug*

                  But if we are talking about men who are looking for Asian or Black women who are immersed in their culture and are not poor and destitute then that is different.

                  Either way. people need to mind thier business and worry a bout themselves and not what another man is doing or wants.

                  I hear immigration is causing a strain on Sweden b/c of the increase in crime and such.

                  Reply

        • nek
          Sep 21, 2012 @ 20:51:15

          White guy, been with black women, it’s simple….

          If you give me a boner, I like you. Rollo has a good point about “desire cannot be negociated”. 100% true. No guys gonna go “Well, I’d pound her until I give my grandma in three states over a heart attack, but b/c she’s black I guess I’m gonna decide to be not attracted to her”. Simply no. That would be a negociation, and my dick is a much better negociator than my brain.

          That “low status” thing is female projection. Women care about status of men, men could care less about women’s status. We’re 98% visual on this matter. That’s it, that’s all. If a guy is “sexually” attracted to one girl more, it’s because she’s hotter physically. It’s important to emphasize the “sexual” part, otherwise attraction can be taken out of context. For women more than men (but for men as well), looks are “status” or your rank so to speak. Take Condolezza Rice vs Gabrielle Union. From a status standpoint, Condi wins, but Gabrielle wins the Iron Boner competition.

          Reply

          • Neecy
            Sep 21, 2012 @ 21:41:19

            HEY NEK!! LMAO @ your post!!

            yes at the end of the day a man is going to follow his hearttt…aheam…penis!!! when it comes to physical attractiveness. I don’t think I or any Black women expects a WHite guy online to pursue a Black woman if that is not what he is physically attracted to. but the point is these men aren’t even LOOKING. They are just saying “Black? NOPE”.

            I will always say its more natural for a man to open himslf up to women who are attractive. Any person that claims a whole group of women is unattractive is LYING and has issues! It irks me to no end when I see or hear some men saying that. That is not masculine like behavior at all.

            There is attractive and ugly in all races. The same applies to women who do and say this to. its simple minded and ignorant to blast a whole group as being unnattractive.

            Reply

            • nek
              Sep 21, 2012 @ 22:03:27

              I think you need to give a little lee way here with regard to the online dating thing.

              Now I have to preface this, I’ve never done online dating or even gone to one of the websites to even check it out so I’m not entirely up to speed. But here’s the thing:

              Online dating, from what I gather, is information overload, so there needs to be some filters for a person not to be overwhelmed. A guy may find that he doesn’t find a majority of black women attractive, but that doesn’t mean he finds them all unattractive. So he applies the filter, just so he’s not somewhat inundated with information. Now does this mean he misses out on some black women he’d like? Yes, but the reality in life is that no system is perfect (see the justice system for an example) and some good apples get thrown away unfairly. You can’t take to the binary extreme that a guy filtering out black women won’t find any black women attractive, it’s just that the filter option in and of itself allows for only that, and that’s all the filter option allows him to say. I’m not crazy about Asian chicks, but I’ve definitely found plenty that are hot. However, just for the sake of sanity if I were to online date I might apply that filter.

              Attractiveness standards are pretty universal. You could get me, Diego from Chile, Didier from the Cote d’Ivoire (west africa), Sang from cambodia, put us in a room, and we’re gonna agree a vast majority of the time on what’s attractive. There is SLIGHT variation between the races as to what men find attractive in a women, but they are very slight (i.e. 0.7 hip-waist ratio preference amongst white vs 0.66 among black). And believe me, we’re not busting out the measuring tape.

              Reply

              • nek
                Sep 21, 2012 @ 22:10:07

                One more tidbit to add…

                I don’t like oriental food for the most part, so at my local massive grocery store I don’t go down it, but the one time I had to go to a smaller grocery store with that aisle, I went down it and discovered siracha sauce, which makes my life grand.

                How does this apply? The reason I never went down the aisle before was simply sensory overload and the need to apply some filter. I knew for the most part I didn’t like asian food and there were 10 million other aisles to go down, so I skipped it. But at a smaller store, I could go down it.

                The overload aspect to this whole dynamic your disscussing needs to really be considered in the matter. I think your taking the filter process to heart too much. It’s not as bad as you think.

                Reply

                • Neecy
                  Sep 21, 2012 @ 22:30:24


                  Attractiveness standards are pretty universal.

                  I agree. With slight variations culturally on what is considered attractive.

                  I think what hurts Black women on a grander scale int he dating arena is not the looks but the perceived lack of femininity overall and culturally.

                  Reply

                  • nek
                    Sep 22, 2012 @ 10:56:13

                    “I think what hurts Black women on a grander scale int he dating arena is not the looks but the perceived lack of femininity overall and culturally.”

                    This. It does tie into looks somewhat too (lack femininity = probably less effort into appearance). And why is there a lack a femininity? It’s largely due to the single parent phenomenon. While it affects all communities, it has been much more exacerbated in the black community. Lack of one parent being around (particularly the father) forces women to “toughen up” to a degree, and to look out for themselves more, which results in a decline in femininity. Even if a black women is brought up in a stable, two-parent environment, it is inevitable that she’s going to be often exposed to the single parent issue simply by being around other black people in less fortunate circumstances, and to a degree, it will form part of her psyche.

                    I will add this though, while it does hurt femininity, it isn’t entirely illogical for a black woman to feel the need to toughen up. The difference between a middle class black woman and a middle class white woman is the fact that, although they are in the same tax bracket, the black woman will be more in tune with the harsh realities of life simply by being in the black community, whereas a white woman would have grown up in a bubble more so. Ergo, acting delicate for a white woman would be easier, as she’s more ignorant of reality. So I think the femininity thing, as a result, is a bit more of a battle for the typical black woman.

                    I’ve noticed the black women in Atlanta when I visited, since a fair bit of them grew up with more money, are typically more feminine, do the whole yoga and starbucks routine, really just like any stereotypical valley girl.

                    Reply

                    • Neecy
                      Sep 23, 2012 @ 09:12:55

                      Agreed. Black women often face whole different set of issues (many self-inflicted) that other races of women may not.

                      One being is the lack of protection that Black men lack to offer to Black women that other races of women get from their race of men. Constantly being beat down verbally and emotionally by the race of men takes its toll on a group of women’s femininity. Also, Black women have also taken on the roles of men in their communities b/c Black men have refused to be the backbone of their communities and children.

                      White women overall have much protection provided to them by their race of men, communities and the world at greater large. Makes things MUUUUCH easier to be able to express their femininity. When a woman has protection and love from the outside it enables her to feel safe and comfortable in her femininity. This is not what Black women at large have been given.

                      However, that is mostly b/c Black women have chosen to accept the roles of being the workhorse, backbone of everyone at her own expense. The “new age” Black woman and the forums and blogs teach Black women today to always look out for her best interest, to regain her femininity and to stop forsaking her womanhood for the benefits of all others.

                      Once Black women stop feeling as if it’s their right and purpose to take care of everyone else’s needs FIRST while overlooking her own needs as a woman, Black women will regain her womanhood and femininity.

                    • Johnny
                      Jan 14, 2013 @ 13:19:58

                      Hello Nek,
                      Cudos Neecy. I was surfing and came across this discussion. I am a white male,now in my 50’s. I find many black women very pretty and some beautiful,but what ruins it for me is the moment they start talking. I and most men I know feel the same. We are not into loud women. Maybe be are chauvinistic in this way but we prefer femininity,and many black women show themselves as aggressive and loud. I grew up in central California,a largely Mexican and Asian community. I have always preferred Asian and Latin women. I would jump at the chance to know a black woman if circumstances were right.Unfortunately they seldom are. Now on many Latin sites the are Black Latinas. Colombian,Dominican,Mexican and Panamanian. A black woman with no attitude and with Latin chemistry. It’s like Heaven. I do wish all happiness and love,but until black women change their attitudes they will continue to be overlooked as women to be wives.
                      I know several white men married to black women,1 Jamaican,1 American,and 4 Ghanian,and 3 Nigerian All parties are very happy and have been together over 6 yrs now. I now live in the Houston area. I’m single and love to travel,so,I’ll be single for awhile longer. Just my two cents. Have a great day.. Neecy, You are a very lovely woman. Byeee

                    • Neecy
                      Jan 15, 2013 @ 19:06:57

                      Hi Johnny,

                      Unfortunatley I cannot argue with what you said about how some or most BW present themselves to the world as loud, and with very bad attitudes. Its true there are too many BW walking around with this demeanor and it hurts the entire image of Black women – even those of us who do not fit that image.

                      This is why there is a current new crop of Black women popping up online starting blogs and such to seek out like minded BW who have never been apart of the current images we see of BW. We are trying to create a new brand for ourselves and separate ourselves from the majority of Black women who act like this.

                      No group of women is perfect. The only difference with BW is that society only wishes to acknowledge and promote the undesirable kinds of BW and use them as the sole image of BW. With White women, there are many undesirables as well. But WHite women have an accepted balance of images so that even the bad images are balanced out by the positive WHite women.

                      While BW need to change, people also need to stop looking at Black women as a whole and start seeing us as individuals. Once you see that you will find that not ALL BW posess those types of characteristics that make so many people and men view Black women as undesirable.

                      But yes, Black women have A LOT of work to do to clean up our images.

              • Neecy
                Sep 21, 2012 @ 22:25:24

                Hmmm good points I hadn’t thought about. So let me ask you then, since you say that possibly a guy de-checking the Black box may only be doing it to not get overloaded with more Black women he may not be attracted to – do you think it is wise for Black women to increase thier odds by catching more mens eyes (who have de checked the Black box) by checking all the racial categories?

                This is what the debate was about. I say no. but you brought up another side i had not considered. based on your points, it would seem that it *would be* benefitcial for Black women to check all the racial boxes on her profile to get in front of more mens searches? b/c according to you MAYBE some men aren’t de-checkign the box b/c they don’t find all BW unnattrative but b/c they may not want to have to sift through a majority of BW to find the few they may be attracted to. So now she just pops up in front of him b/c she checked more racial categories on her profile .

                I dunno. That’s why I made the post b/c I was interested to see different sides to this.

                I don’t do online dating either. Its just too busy and too much. I got a free membership a year ago and did it but i hardly ever checked and was too lazy to write back and forth and respond to people (lol) Not b/c I thought I was too good, but I was just lazy. and even though I did meet a guy that I liked but we were at different places in our lives. I prefer to interact and meet men face-to-face than doing online dating sites.

                Reply

                • LynxViridis
                  Sep 25, 2012 @ 05:50:38

                  “do you think it is wise for Black women to increase thier odds by catching more mens eyes (who have de checked the Black box) by checking all the racial categories?”

                  The question wasn’t directed at me, but yes, i think bw increase their chances by checking all the boxes.

                  Reply

                  • Neecy
                    Sep 25, 2012 @ 08:44:21

                    So if a Black woman who clearly looks BLACK and not mixed popped up in your search and you later find out she just did that to get a higher pool of potentials it wouldn’t bother you?

                    Okay. Well that is why its always good to hear different people’s POV. I think what we can gather just from this discussion alone is that some WM would see it a problem and others wouldn’t.

                    Ultimatley a BW will have to decide for herself if this is a route she is willing to take. It looks like she has a 50/50 shot at meeting someone who wouldn’t be bothered and who would have otherwise de checked the Black box.

                    Reply

  6. Bobby
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 05:22:58

    Mark Slater hit most of the points. I do feel for BW, but the truth is other races in general don’t find BW as attractive, hence the omission in searches. And with modern, black American culture, the abrasive and loud personalities are the nail in the attraction coffin. Even if the girl isn’t like that, the stereotype abounds.

    Abandon the whole “black and proud” theme. It’s unattractive when any race does it. If you want more hits, choose the all races option. Maybe it feels like you’re betraying your race some by doing this, but the only other alternative is much lower relationship chances. Proud and lonely, or realistic and dating.

    If you hit it off with a guy who wouldn’t have otherwise found you by you just selecting black (and to reiterate, white men are indeed purposefully not choosing BW in their criteria), he won’t give a shit, provided your profile pic clearly shows your race.

    So yes, a WM encountering a BW (who chose several races) in his searches of course can result in him giving her a shot. I know I would if she had a cute face and we meshed in conversation. If the topic comes up, be honest with, “It seems BW don’t get a lot of views when I just select black lol, but yeah, I’m black.” If he cares about that beyond your looks first, and your personality second, he’s a tool.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 20, 2012 @ 07:57:00

      Hi Bobby!

      Well I don’t think anyone should feel sorry for Black women at all. As a Black woman I see things for what they are and my philosophy is, if you don’t want me, that is your perogative and I certainly am not going to chase after, lie and stretch the truth just to get you to accept me. I only worry with and dal with the men who are interested in me and have sought me out and I htink all women should do that instead of wasting time nad energy on those who dont want you.

      I also feel Black women have not done much to curtail the nasty images that so may openly portray and as a result most men avoid Black women b/c of these perceptions that Back women have not really done much to fix.

      Asian women at one point in American history had very horrible stereotypes and were considered low caliber women and prostitues (an older Asian woman confided this in me a couple years ago). She said this was during the time of the Viet Wars. And she said that Asian women worked VERY HARD to change thier images and as a result now don’t face those ugly stereoytpes nad are deemed more desirable today than ever before in American culture.

      I agree that most of the time when a man says “I am not attracted to Black women” alot of it stems from how unfeminine and abrasive Black women act in general which equates to non attraction.

      That is why i don’t feel sorry for Black women b/c i feel this can change if Black women actually stopped playing into these stereotypes and perceptions.

      But i still say a Black woman should stay proud of who she is (BLACK) and not feel she has to appeal to men who dont see that as good enough. Would you as a White male feel like if you were in this situation that you had to uplay other racial mixtures just to get dates as OK? Or wouod you say “well if they don’t like me as I am then too bad I’ll wait for woman that does accept me as I am”. WOuld you ever feel that it was fine as a White man to modify yourself or race to be more accepted?

      Reply

    • KidB
      Sep 21, 2012 @ 16:08:24

      Men of other races don’t find black women attractive? Nonsense. Show me proof of this. And if it is true, then that’s good for me; finding a market niche by no choice of my own. WooHoo!

      Reply

      • Neecy
        Sep 21, 2012 @ 21:35:35

        LOL! makes sense to me. that if you are a WHite guy that is open to all races including Black, you have a nice lil surplus of available, willing and READY Black women looking to add some cream to their coffee.

        Annnnnd these are not going ot be the atypical types of Black women you see in the media all the time or the – what I like to call – SISTER SOLDIERS who are always looking to carry the Black man and Black race.

        Personally I feel a lot of WM who exclude BW based on race are missing out and AND SHOULD MISS OUT!

        Reply

  7. KillerQ
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 06:29:40

    Sure, why not.

    1) Is it as simple as these men may not have known that they “wanted or were interested” in a BW until they actually saw her by chance?

    Not a chance. Men who have not checked “Black” in dating sites have made a conscious choice. You do accidently not check the block. Myself, I believe in multicultural dating and have practiced it since I was 20.

    2) Am I making a bigger deal of this than I need to be?

    Yes you are. It’s a simple matter of choice that goes back to personal preferences and an man’s ability to accept that he may get a few stares and even an occasional muttered comment. Myself, I don’t give a damn what other people think. If I’m attracted to a woman, the color of her skin or the shape of her eyes doesn’t matter.

    3) Should Black women stay Black and proud or mix themselves up for a few dates and profile clicks?

    Yes, you should always be yourself. Unless you’re looking for a short-term relationship where you don’t really care that it will eventually come out as a lie.

    4) What are the odds that a man who was not consciously seeking out a Black woman…

    10% chance in my experience. I’ve had friends who’ve questioned me at length after finding out that I’m dating outside my own race. Less than 30% even tried, and 10% stuck with it for any appreciable time.

    5) Are men confused little babies…

    I sense a little level of frustration here. Have you been slighted in a recent experience?

    But to answer your question, the majority of men are *not* confused. Instead, they lack the maturity or ability to say what they want, or just want to avoid any conflict. You bring up other factors here when it comes to finding the type of women we want beyond race.

    Even though I have no cultural preference, I do have other preferences which are immutable. Within these preferences, it’s a set of must haves and nice to haves. Where do they come from? Experience.

    6) Would you see it as a desperate attempt of a BW…

    Black is black, exotic self-description or not. Though I wouldn’t consider it a desperate attempt, it would clearly raise a red flag given the rampant deception you see in online dating. Will it work? Possibly. Should the BW hope that she pulls the potential in close before he finds out? Absolutely.

    7) What are your thoughts on the success rate Black women would have by doing this…

    0% in my personal experience and that of my crowd if a BW goes check the box crazy. If it’s two blocks like Black and Hispanic, fine I get that.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 20, 2012 @ 08:30:15

      HI KILLERQ!! Thanks so muhc for your tie and hoinest repliy!!


      Not a chance. Men who have not checked “Black” in dating sites have made a conscious choice. You do accidently not check the block. Myself, I believe in multicultural dating and have practiced it since I was 20.


      That is exactly what I was trying to get through to them. They didn’t want to hear that. *shrugs* But my question is, do you seem it really harmful (not in a dangerous way) for these women to kinda “force” themselves in front of men who would otherwise not have been interested to be noticed by them?

      Yes you are. It’s a simple matter of choice that goes back to personal preferences and an man’s ability to accept that he may get a few stares and even an occasional muttered comment. Myself, I don’t give a damn what other people think. If I’m attracted to a woman, the color of her skin or the shape of her eyes doesn’t matter.</strong<

      Not to patronize you or anything but honestly, this IMO is how a REAL man thinks and acts.
      In my eyes a real man a solid and masculine man goes for what he wants other people opinion’s be damned. I’m not saying that he may not give thought to the consequences of his choices, but I find most solid and masculine men innately do what it is they please with no regrets and without FEAR. He will not simply make choices out of FEAR of what others will think or say in general. And I think more Black women should focus on the men who feel this way and practice this b/c they will make out better in the long run, than trying to appeal to the men who truly avoid them b/c they don’t want be judged or “deemed low status by White women” (per what someone posted above).

      Yes, you should always be yourself. Unless you’re looking for a short-term relationship where you don’t really care that it will eventually come out as a lie.


      TOTALLY AGREE!!!!

      10% chance in my experience. I’ve had friends who’ve questioned me at length after finding out that I’m dating outside my own race. Less than 30% even tried, and 10% stuck with it for any appreciable time.

      Interesting.

      I sense a little level of frustration here. Have you been slighted in a recent experience?

      Hmmm I think you are misinterpreting with whom and where my frustration lies, b/c you cut off the rest of the question. I am actually being sarcastic towards the Black women who keep saying “men don’t know what they want” by saying that. Actually I already know that men know what they want and I am saying they are not helpless little babies who don’t understand what it is they want. If a man makes a conscious choice to uncheck a box or racial category HE KNOWS what he is doing. He is not the least bit CONFUSED about what he is doing or what he wants as these women are suggesting.

      And to answer your question. No I have never been slighted b/c I don’t focus on men who are not focused on me. The short time I did do online dating. I posted a pic, wrote out my profile and waited for the guys interested to respond. I would never go out seeking men who didn’t have the Black box checked b/c it’s a waste of time. And I also don’t believe in women pursuing men.

      So I avoid that kind of rejection b/c I feel if a man likes or wants me he will come after me. I won’t have to lie or stretch the truth about my racial make up for him to deem me as more desirable IMO. He either likes me as I am or he doesn’t. Those who aren’t interested will just keep it moving. No harm no fouls.

      But to answer your question, the majority of men are *not* confused. Instead, they lack the maturity or ability to say what they want, or just want to avoid any conflict. You bring up other factors here when it comes to finding the type of women we want beyond race.

      I agree that men are not confused.

      Even though I have no cultural preference, I do have other preferences which are immutable. Within these preferences, it’s a set of must haves and nice to haves. Where do they come from? Experience.

      That is how I operate as well. I don’t care about the race, its other qualities and preferences I look for in the person.


      Black is black, exotic self-description or not. Though I wouldn’t consider it a desperate attempt, it would clearly raise a red flag given the rampant deception you see in online dating. Will it work? Possibly. Should the BW hope that she pulls the potential in close before he finds out? Absolutely.

      See that is why this whole thing doesn’t sit right with me. I get it. It’s a hard pill to swallow that men online may be consciously unchecking a racial category. But it is what it is and no amount of desperation in getting them to notice you will IMO garner any real success in the long haul.

      It’s just so…. I dunno. It seems deceptive and downright DESPERATE! I just don’t feel that much energy should be placed into finding men who are not trying to find you. If they wanted or were interested in Black they would and could have easily checked the box to view the various profiles. The fact they didn’t says they have no interest so WHY try to force yourself in front of them is my question.

      0% in my personal experience and that of my crowd if a BW goes check the box crazy. If it’s two blocks like Black and Hispanic, fine I get that.

      THANK YOU and I agree there in the long run there will be very little success taking this route. It comes off to me as desperate and no one likes desperate people.

      Reply

  8. Turbo
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 07:57:49

    So many questions…

    I’ll just say:

    a) I have no problem dating black women as long as they are attractive, fun to be with, etc. (Basically the same criteria for dating women of any ethnic group.)

    b) My experience is that black women are less willing to date white men than are women of other ethnic groups.

    c) You’re kinda cute…

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 20, 2012 @ 08:40:35

      Hi TURBO!!!!

      LOL one thing you will find is I am a wordy liitle chicka. i can never *just* get straight to the point. i try but its soooo hard.

      Anyway, thanks for your honest reply and its good to hear that you don’t discriminate based soley on race. There are so many other things we as men and women should be discriminating aginst when it comes to finding the right person, but folks are gonna do what they wanna do. it is much more important or me to find a sane non bi polar batshit person than what the color of htier skin is. LOL Lord knows there is just too much crazy running rampad these days for me to exclude a whole group of people.

      I do think the reason why Black women avoid interracially dating mostly comapred to other women is two fold:

      (1) many may honestly not be attracted to other races of men, b/c from early ages Black women are brainwashed to believe that Black men should be the ONLY men she considers and that would only love her. As a result a lot of Black women grow up being brainwashed that other races of men are not “good enough” and would or could not “love” her like a Black man. Of course smart Black women see it as BULL SHEEIT and understand that Black men treat Black women no better than any other man would, but nonetheless, many women are still inclined to believe the Black man only mantra.

      (2) many may feel they would get rejection (which as we can see is very real) from racially prejudiced Non Black men so they simply avoid showing any interest in other races of men and stick with Black only b/c its a safer bet.

      Reply

  9. Neecy
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 10:10:59

    Another White guy on CH made a great point which I had not really thought of he said:

    Being part-black rather than all-black may be a factor. Not just for blacks; I think half-Asian half-white girls are on average much more attractive than pure Asians, who usually don’t appeal to me at all.It may be biological to prefer women who are at least somewhat like us rather than completely alien, but that’s how it goes.

    Reply

  10. Omerta327
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 10:25:25

    Interesting post.

    Obviously I can’t speak for anyone else, I just know that for me, personally, I don’t care what color anyone’s skin is. A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman regardless of race.

    I’m surprised to hear that a lot of white men will un-check the “Black” box. Sounds like there’s a big untapped market for some hot black women out there. :cool: But to hear that white guys will dismiss black girls and ONLY black girls like that baffles me.

    As for the whole dishonesty thing, I don’t roll w/that. You should always portray youself as you are. One time I met up with this black girl I met online and… oh, wait. You already know that story.

    All I know is that I love black women. I also love white women. I also love latina women. I also love asian women. I love mixed women. Etc…etc…etc… You get the idea.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 20, 2012 @ 10:55:27

      AH there you are! i know i can always count on you to bring reasoning (as well as the others have done here), but you always have such downright practicle and real repsonses.

      Yes omaerta, your bretheren are discriminating against the sistas online. LOL I am not sure why anyone in this day and age who is doing online dating would exclude a whole group of people when all they have to do is look at the pics and profile but…such is life.

      I must say that i am shocked by the admission a few posts above that some WHite men are concerned about how White women would view them (as low status) for having the Black box checked (LMAO the main group of women who exercise thier free rights to screw and date any race of man they want, yet expect White men to remain loyal to them LOL. and the fact some white men are “worried” about playing that game is even scarier) . Hmmm. The way i see it, is actually more White women would deem more competition and would actually see the guy as a catch and in womens competitive little brains the thought of him choosing another race over her would make her work harder at getting his attention? I dunno.

      Its always great to see and hear of hte White men who stand strong in thier choices and convictions about being with whomever they want without the fear or worry of what others think. These are the few White males that Black owmen are going to need for relatoinships if they are to endure over the long haul. Not the ones unchecking the Black box on dating sites. When it comes down to it, it says to me the are already not willing or able to deal with Black owmen on some sort of level and it would be detrimental trying to get into reltionships witht hese men who weren’t really interestd in the first place.

      It just does not seem natural to me for any man to exclude women out of his pool b/c the way I see men are made is they like and love attractive women no matter her race. Once y0u literally start saying one group of women is not attractive i start seeing it as unnatural and not very masculine like behavior. This does not mean that you have to find every woman in that group attractive. but to sit and say or believe there are absolutely NO attractive women in a particular group is utterly ridiculous and very non masculine to me.

      Reply

      • Omerta327
        Sep 20, 2012 @ 15:55:24

        “Its always great to see and hear of hte White men who stand strong in thier choices and convictions about being with whomever they want without the fear or worry of what others think.”

        I think that’s a big part of it. If I think a woman is hot, if she passes the boner test, I’m going for it. If anyone else has a problem w/the color of her skin, I really couldn’t give a flying fvck. That’s their problem, not mine.

        And you’re right, If a BW/WM relationship is gonna work, then the man HAS to be strong in his convictions, cuz there’s always the possibility of encountering some backlash. But I’ve dated black and latina women before and I’ve NEVER encountered any backlash. Maybe it’s cuz people tell me I look scary.

        So if there’s any BW looking for a WM who’s not afraid of the ‘stigma’ attached to it, line up! Let me check y’all out. ;)

        Reply

        • Neecy
          Sep 20, 2012 @ 16:07:51

          Yes indeed we black women need SOLDIERS for the cause. LOL!

          Seriously its true a BW has to be especially careful about the type of man she enters into an interracial relationship with. he can’t be a weakling for sure and he really has to be about her b/c as you said there will be things that happen to test their reltionship and it takes a really strong man to be able to brush off the BS of other people’s opnions and views which will not always be positive.

          i always said i love a mans man and a man’s man loves women no matter what!! Tell your mom and dad they have done a good job! ;)

          Reply

      • Omerta327
        Sep 20, 2012 @ 16:01:08

        And btw, who’s “omaerta”?

        Haha, had to bust your stones for that.

        Reply

        • Neecy
          Sep 20, 2012 @ 16:08:58

          Yeah.Uhm. Well Oh yea i was using my French accent when i types that. LOL!

          And since you have busted all of my chops out now you are moving onto my stones? hehehehe!

          Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 20, 2012 @ 11:55:56

      One time I met up with this black girl I met online and… oh, wait. You already know that story.

      AHAHAAAA! Yes indeedy. Ah good times fer sher!

      Reply

  11. anon
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 10:52:50

    i’ll just say it since i’m certain that many have thought it and nobody has yet tap-danced close enough to it…
    western society prizes white features as the most attractive.
    don’t believe it? check a few magazines and movies out.
    but white guys like other races too? yeah… but we like women of other races who have features that are more caucasian (ie: Tyra has light skin and a pointy nose)

    there are cultural traits to be considered of course… conjuring up the image of a black woman hardly brings to mind words like “demure”, “graceful”, “polite” or “fit”.

    so do i think that it was a conscious choice to un-check the “black” box in the search? of course it was. let’s not kid ourselves.

    Reply

  12. Neecy
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 11:09:53

    ANON i completely agree with your post (except the part that most WM prefer whiter lookign Black women).

    And yes I have always maintaine that until Black women clean up our cultural image of being the ball busting, loud, abrasive, obnoxious, overweight, asexual, fight-ready chicks, we will keep experiencing mainstream cultural rejection.

    Although I am not sure that i fully agree that all White men look for White features in Black owmen to be deemed attractive. in fact African women (the least mixed and most black looking) do quite well in Europe with WHite men – yes even in countries like Scandanavia & Germany where there is more blonde blue eyed Nordic WHite women thier hearts desire.

    I do feel American men are more hung up on “the whiteness” of Black women than other cultures of White men.

    Reply

  13. gunslingergregi
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 12:16:55

    blacks chicks are kind of an untapped market for white men
    black men want the white chicks and then tell black woman they need to have black pride and not date outside lol they want them in reserve.
    kind of fun dating black chicks though and seeing white chicks and black dudes get pissed off. on chatteu black chicks dont want white dudes but of course that aint true i think healthy for white woman to feel some competition from more areas they definetly allready aware of the asian woman
    they like to have their cake and eat it too

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 20, 2012 @ 16:03:13

      Hi Greg!!

      You make some great points. While on average WM and BW may not hook up, there is still an untapped market out there for White guys who are open to dating Black women. My philosophy is Black women are only half of the 12% make up of Blacks in USA. Take away maybe the 2-3% that may not want to date interracially and that still leaves 3-4% of Black women that are open to dating interracially.

      Numbers wise it works in both Black women and White men’s favors b/c White American males I would say represent half of the 70% population of Whites and give or take maybe only 10% of White men open to dating Black women and Black women still have a good surplus of interested White men.

      So it’s not all bad even when we see things like this online dating experiment that shows most White men uncheck the black box.

      Another thing you brought up is you BETTER BELIEVE White women are afraid of having competition from Black women for White males as well. While they may not worry now, they are quite comfy that it’s really only Asian woman they are competing with, but it is still in the back of their minds. So much that I believe that is why so many negative images of bW are constantly being fed to the masses. To keep the WM/BW hook up at and all-time low. if you want to see a White woman get really nervous or fidgety watch an attractive Black woman get attention from White men. it seems to me as well that the media seeks to protect White women in this fashion by constantly promoting ugly stereotypes of Black women to brand those images into White men’s psyche – and it is working (not saying there are not Black women in real life who act like clowns) but if you constantly see a certain image of a particular group in the media it will eventually be etched in your brain – be them good or bad images.

      Black men also get really uncomfortable when they see a Black woman who is exercising all of her racial options. Black men who ignore BW suddenly become interested in them once they see a White guy is interested in her or that she is not really looking into Black men or paying them any attention.

      There is still yet work to be done for the normal sane and attractive Black women to make it known to society that not all of us are what you see on TV or on the buses acting loud and obnoxious. But on the flip side it’s an individual adults responsibility to be able to distinguish individuals from a group even if they see bad images of a particular group all the time.

      At the end of the day those men who cannot see BW as individuals FIRST are not the men that Black women should be giving the time of day.

      I personally would rather only have 5-10% of solid White men who are not afraid or fearful of what anyone thinks about him dating BW and who will love and appreciate and accept BW for who and what she is, than worry about the other 80% who hold prejudices against Black women collectively.

      Juts my thoughts!!

      Thanks for stopping in!

      Reply

  14. nextcunnardplease
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 16:10:10

    I think you should be asking whether black females are really interested in white males or whether they’re just looking for another reason to be mad at the world because they think that white males aren’t interested in them. Far more black females seem to be sexually interested in other women (of whatever race) than any white guy.

    Black females are among THE most racially and culturally isolated members of society–far more than black males. This is especially true of black females who are low-income and uneducated–a significant segment of the sample size.

    To the extent you can measure desirability through an online dating site (where everyone is really just looking to get laid anyway) all that gets reflected back are people’s true preferences for attraction. You’re attracted to who you’re attracted to. That’s it. Attraction is visceral and primal and it doesn’t respond well to shaming or social science dissertations. When you lie about your race to appear in more search results, you’re not increasing someone’s attraction to you. You’re simply lying.

    This is a phony discussion anyway. This debate about black/white interracial dating is always highly disingenuous and just a cover for dishing out a massive white-guilt trip or to talk about how ray-cess whites are in a more benign way.

    No black woman gives a crap about any white guy (hey, common ground between the black female and the white female!!) and they certainly have no interest in dating or marrying one. This is a far, far different thing than wanting (or thinking they want) a white guy to show “interest” in them, of course.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 20, 2012 @ 16:53:35

      Hi nexcunnard,

      hmm seems to me you are the only one feeling GUILTY about the discussion here. No one here is trying to make White men feel guilty about anything. White males have made their preferences known online and Black women (who joined dating sites to increase their chances of meeting Non Black men that they may have a harder time meeting face-to-face) have observed these preferences. period point Black.

      White men have clearly sent the message that they are consciously NOT INTERESTED in seeking relationships with Black women online by unchecking the Black box. No guilt or shaming to be needed. It is what it is and frankly, I don’t think Black women should care or concern themselves with those that do that. HENCE why I am totally against Black women lying, stretching the truth about their racial make up to show up in the searches of men who clearly had no interest in her b/c of WHAT she was.

      I opened the forum on this discussion b/c I felt I was getting nowhere with trying to tell these in denial Black women the realities of things – that WHITE MEN ARE NOT CONFUSED about the choices they make and they need to stop deluding themselves into believing this. if a man purposely unchecks a racial box HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU and you should avoid trying to get his attentions by lying or stretching the truth about your racial make-up.

      Not sure where you are getting your ideas that more Black women are interested in other women – LOL. once again you obviously don’t know most or all BW to say this. not sure what kinds of BW you know, but I, nor any of my friends are interested in women. LOL

      I don’t need to ask if BW are really interested in WM or if “they just wanna complain b/c they are mad at the world”. I assume that if a Black woman joins a dating site and puts that she is interested in meeting men of all races or White, then that is what she wants and is not “mad at the world” or looking for a reason to complain.

      Most Black women open to dating interracially are typically well balanced in the arena of race vs. the Black women who are always defending all things Black and blaming White people for everything. It would stand to reason any Black woman interested in dating White men would have little reason to want to place guilt or blame on them or call them racists. That defeats the whole purpose of her even wanting to be in a relationship with one. Because they understand they have to be more balanced in racial views if they are to be in relationships with White men or other races.

      And based on the results and studies of what happens when Black women join online dating sites to expand her dating options to men of other races ONLY to find they are EXCLUDING her based on her race, then yeah I would say that most BW would be reluctant to expand their options to dating WM when their greatest fears have been confirmed – WM are excluding them based on RACE and race only. Can you honestly Blame the BW who would just rather avoid that altogether and simply stick with their own race?

      My whole point in this post was *NOT* to make White men feel guitly about anything, but rather to show the Black women who I was in debate with that they are really delusional about what is really going on and they should not force themselves to be in the eyes of men (by increasing her racial category to pop up on thier searches) who DO NOT WANT THEM.

      Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 20, 2012 @ 17:26:47


      Black females are among THE most racially and culturally isolated members of society–far more than black males. This is especially true of black females who are low-income and uneducated–a significant segment of the sample size.

      I forgot to address this. I STRONGLY agree with this and I am constantly saying that this is where Black women who are interested in expanding thier dating options to other races HAVE to be more pro active in meeting these men on thier soil. We already know of the majority of indoctrinated Black women who believe her sole purpose in life is to service the “Black cause”. i feel the Black women who dont think this way and prefer to steer clear of Black causes and life in general need to make a greater more VOCAL effort at distinguishing themsleves from the atypical Black women that everyone believes is a SISTER SOLDIER for Black causes and life.

      This also translates nto distinguishing and seperating htemsleves from the types of Black women that help produce such negative unfeminine stereotypes.

      I don’t blame most non Black men for avoiding the average Black woman b/c htey can only judge what they see. if they don’t see many BW making efforts to seperate herself from general Black groupthink and ways of doing nad living, then they will assume we’re mostly all that way.

      great observation!!

      Reply

  15. Kia
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 17:18:40

    If I’m on a dating online site and I’m looking to date other men, and they have not bothered to check the ‘black’ box, or checked every box accept ‘black’, that means they are probably not intersted in black women, and it would be a waste of time to pursue those men, or make up things or add things to attract them when there are plenty of other men that are interested in black women period. And with how slow dating online sites are, with waiting for someone to respond back, there are faster ways to meet men, like going out to events etc. that would produce faster results.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 20, 2012 @ 17:29:46

      HEY KIA!!! thanks for posting!

      Yes ITA with what you said. Its much more beneficial for Black owmen to get off thier butts and go out and do things and interact with people in Non black social settings, rather than sit on a computer waiting for WHite men to contact her.

      BW just have to be a bit more creative if they want to date out their race. And frankly, I feel when you are apart of social groups and circles you meet more genuine people who will either like you for who you are and thus building much more healthy relationships.

      Reply

  16. Omerta327
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 17:57:48

    Just had a thought. What if I were to sign up on one of these dating websites, post my picture and profile and all, and for the ‘race preference’ boxes, clicked all of them except “White”.

    What would the response be?

    Reply

  17. Kia
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 17:59:24

    I also think most dating online sites are for people looking for hookups, not serious relationships or marriage material. And I also think dating online is not popular with black women – That’s why there was an entire post on the other site BBW with most misguided black women there telling each other to check every box, or add distant ancestry to get more responses. As a black woman, I think black women are very desirable to men and need to get off online dating and go out and meet men and talk to them in person instead of waiting for someone to respond online, or thinking of ways to trick men into noticing them. Some black women overanalyze things, thinking they have to jump through hoops to get non black men. All they have to do is be themselves. Men are not stupid. They know what type of woman they want. If some non black men happen to not want black women, there are plenty of non black men that do want black women. And besides having a job, keeping your weight down, staying drama free, the men will come.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 21, 2012 @ 09:18:16

      Yes I agree Kia. i feel that people can still use online dating if they wish, but to not put too much stock into it. If they find someone great, if not they shouldn’t become discouraged and should start doing more interactive things like going out and putting themselves in social settings.

      Reply

  18. Kia
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 18:11:04

    I sent you two other emails – did you read them yet?

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 21, 2012 @ 09:20:14

      no. I have so many emails in my inbox from BBW. not sure why i get all of hte responses and comments everyone makes on the site. So they probably got lost in the shuffle. I’ll look for them later today.

      Reply

  19. Kia
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 18:20:36

    I’m sure there are other non black men who deter from dating black women because of the stereotypes or other black women screaming ‘nothing but black men’ etc. That’s why black women need to get off online dating and talk to these men in person, and they will be pleasantly suprised that all not all black women dislike other men.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 21, 2012 @ 09:22:39

      While I get the whole idea that Black women for the most part have made it openly known they don’t date White men, I still say that White men still should not judge all Black women and should be able to decipher those kinds of Black women from the ones who may be interested.

      Its rel easy to simply brush off a whole group. Like i said, there are ways White men who are interested in dating Black women can find Black women. Online dating is one of the easiest ways to find such Black women. But as we can see they are not making that option.

      The pendelum swings both ways. Everything cannot and should not always be on BLACK WOMEN to jump through hopps.

      Reply

  20. Nijag
    Sep 20, 2012 @ 18:34:42

    I didn’t participate on the BBW since there were over 400 comments, but I definitely agreed with your general POV.

    Yes, the average AA’s in general have admixtures (2-20% if I recall an article I read correctly) of other races/ethnicities in their genetic make up.

    However, unless a BW (BM also) can claim recent (parent, grandparent) non-black heritage and/or active participation in the culture of whatever non-black racial/ethnic group, then it’s basically lying.

    Another thing I wanted to address is some of comments by the (American) WM here about the perceived lesser attractiveness of BW as a group in America especially. I think for modern day American WM there is a level of cognitive dissonance and disingenuous on this issue.

    I’m trying not to write a dissertation, but looking back at the history (which as a black non-AA, I’m not even an expert) I’d say you don’t get all those heavy duty miscegenation laws, one-drop rule (which was too rule out inheritance for the mixed kids popping out all over the place) and a whole bunch of laws on the books which was used to prohibit and punish especially WM/BW marriages and unions if there wasn’t something happening on a larger social level to scare certain segments in the Elite class.

    That’s all I’ll say on that subject.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 21, 2012 @ 09:39:35

      HEY NIJAG! Thanks for stopping in!!


      Yes, the average AA’s in general have admixtures (2-20% if I recall an article I read correctly) of other races/ethnicities in their genetic makeup.

      However, unless a BW (BM also) can claim recent (parent, grandparent) non-black heritage and/or active participation in the culture of whatever non-black racial/ethnic group, then it’s basically lying.

      EXACTLY! I’m not sure where some of those women’s heads are. one even suggested that b/c her great-great-great grandparent was German *technically* she could put that down since that would make her mixed. I was just like..WOW. That’s just really… I have no words. LOL


      Another thing I wanted to address is some of comments by the (American) WM here about the perceived lesser attractiveness of BW as a group in America especially. I think for modern day American WM there is a level of cognitive dissonance and disingenuous on this issue.

      I’m trying not to write a dissertation, but looking back at the history (which as a black non-AA, I’m not even an expert) I’d say you don’t get all those heavy duty miscegenation laws, one-drop rule (which was too rule out inheritance for the mixed kids popping out all over the place) and a whole bunch of laws on the books which was used to prohibit and punish especially WM/BW marriages and unions if there wasn’t something happening on a larger social level to scare certain segments in the Elite class.
      That’s all I’ll say on that subject.

      While I am not a conspiracy theorists, there are just some things that are blatantly and waay too obvious to ignore. Like the constant heavy hard hitting images of Black women in the media – ALWAYS UNFAVORABLE. Why? Definitely to keep certain segments of males uninterested. If the stereotypes are strong enough (which we can obviously see they do have an effect) then it keeps Black women out of the game and competition for the affections of White or other races of men.

      And better believe that history plays a great role in why so much effort is placed in keeping Black women as undesirable as possible to White males and men in general. For exactly what you pointed out. America has always taken to great lengths to keep WM/BW pairings at an all-time low.

      Nothing has changed. It’s getting even stronger today as more and more people are crossing color lines.

      Asain women were smart. They were very stealth in changing their images and perceptions to make themselves more desirable and favorable. Because during the viet era the Asian women were considered to be low caliber women who were only good for servicing men and prostitution. As more and more of them came to the US with their White husbands, they caught hell. But quietly they changed their images. Of course for them, they didn’t have such strong media focus on them which is much more powerful than anything and which is what BW are up against. A strong media force to keep these images etched in the brains of men.

      Reply

  21. Alee
    Sep 21, 2012 @ 08:45:42

    Well, at least the guy found her attractive, looking as “regular” black as she did. That’s a positive note, I guess. :)

    Reply

  22. kia
    Sep 21, 2012 @ 12:48:54

    ALL THE WAY THIS!!!!
    Unless your mom is german and your dad is black, it makes no sense to put in your profile that your german and black if your dating online. Everyone is mixed with something, but saying your half german because your great great great grandfather was german from 1800, when both parents are black, and you look black not german is lying. Black women need to face the facts. Online dating is good for other women but not for black women, that’s why there was that post on BBW with black women telling each other to lie about racial heritage to get more responses. But that doesn’t mean they are not desired by other men. Men are not stupid. They know what type of woman they want. And going after someone that doesn’t want you is pathetic and sad, when there are plenty of global quality men who will show interest if you go out and meet them. I don’t know why some women at BBW are acting simple about this. Going out to events and meeting men gets faster results than waiting for someone to respond online anyway.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 21, 2012 @ 21:21:38

      LOL i was just plain old shocked when i saw people reaching the way they were to claim admixtures that were so far down thier blood line – JUST to get attention from men (who weren’t even interested in a woman of color) ONLINE???? LOL! And then when you look at their photo and they look like they are stright up Black it definitley sends a message that some Black women will do anything to be acceptable to others – which is very sad. Also, can you imagine what those men would be thinking as well.

      Reply

    • NaalaK
      Sep 22, 2012 @ 17:34:54

      YES!
      Date
      foreign
      men!
      Most.American.white.men.are.too.feminine,anyway!
      Waiting.for.tv.to.tell.them.who.to.date.is.PATHETIC!

      Reply

      • Neecy
        Sep 23, 2012 @ 08:48:15

        NAALAK

        Yes I do feel that Black women should travel abroad more often and see and experience European men as well as see that often times the way Black women are embarced by European men is quite vastly different than what they experience with American men in general.

        American men (Black , White and other) are often very affected by negative racial baggage against Black women as America in general has never been sensitive or positive towards the images of Black womanhood. There is and has been a strategic effort for deacdes to continue to keep Black women unfeminized in the eyes of American men in general.

        In Europe a Black woman is seen as a WOMAN first. many Black American women who travel abroad or who marry European men say they are much different than American men.

        If I were still in my 20’s and such i would definitley be looking to marry or interact intimatley with European men. they are much less colorstruck against Black owmen than American WHite men who are still stuck on chasing the White woman and upholding White standards of beauty at all costs despite how American WHite women treat American WHite men overall.

        Reply

  23. Curious Gyal
    Sep 21, 2012 @ 19:23:49

    Hi Neecy

    Its not just *some* black women who do that. I have a number of male “afro-centric” black male friends and despite all their back to Africa and Black Power rhetoric, they are constantly making up different ethic combinations for their identities such as “Moors” and now this “first Americans” …. appearantly some ancient statues in Latin America somewhere have what they call “negroid features” and my afro-male black friends are telling people, even government agencies, that they are that ethnicities, forget the name of it right now but they use that name with people and all the get is deer in headlights looks.

    I don’t get it. If they are “afro-centric” then why not just say “We’re African American” and leave it at that?

    Seems there’s a lot of identity issues in these men.

    Ever experience anything like this with other Black folk?

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 21, 2012 @ 21:29:43

      Oh yes I have seen and been around Black people like this ALL OF MY LIFE. Doing any and everything to claim mixtures that you cannot even see.

      All or most African Americans are mixed! So its kinda pointless to even point the obvious out – UNLESS you have a parent or grandparent that is another race – then it makes sense to point out your mixture.

      My grandfather looks WHite and could have passed for White all of his life. but there is no identifiable White person to claim b/c it was his grandfather who was WHite. So should i say i am”part White” or “mixed” b/c my great-great grandather was White? NO! LOL

      i have no problems with a truly mixed Black person who has immediate mixtures (i.e. parent, grandparent) and is claiming such. But once you start pulling all these admixtures that only represent 1/100th of your bloodline something else is defintiley going on.

      The thing that they just don;t see is they can claim all of the mixtures they want, people will still see, treat and identify them as BLACK if that is how they look.

      I don’t think there is a problem with addressing the mixtures in your bloodline. But some people take it to the extreme.

      Reply

      • Curious Gyal
        Sep 22, 2012 @ 20:23:46

        Yeah but Neecy, my point is, these are AFRO-CENTRIC, BLACK POWER type men. Not men who are insecure with being Black! So if they’re all “back to Africa” then why not just claim to be African American? Why all this “first Moors” and “First Olmec” (remembered the name). Why not just say it loud, “I’m Black and I’m proud!”???

        Oh, and can I add, I’m not Black but dated a few of ‘em and they were on the “Black woman is Queen Empress First Mother Goddess of the World” trip…… while dating a non-Black woman!!!!

        Smack my head, these brothas were damn confused!!!!

        Reply

        • Neecy
          Sep 23, 2012 @ 08:51:50

          I have no clue Gayle. The Black Panthers also talked that talk about Black prode, Black Power blah blah blah and did the opposite as well. In fact they treated the Black women within that organization so hirrible as well – the Black women helping them.

          Personally, smart Black owmen today with minds of our own don’t listen to anything Black men say in general – ESPECIALLY the ones who are always talking that Black N Proud crapola. they are the biggest hypocrites walking.

          I don’t even know how the non Black owmen deal with htem. these men are sorely insecure its not even attractive IMO.

          Reply

  24. PennyFarthing
    Sep 22, 2012 @ 08:36:54

    To be fair there is another issue at work here: weight. Black women will typically be the fattest demographic on a dating site because we have among the highest rates of obesity in the country. I believe overweight/obesity rate among adult black women is about 80%; if you don’t want an overweight+ woman, why would you check off the box that has an 80% chance of that body type?

    I see white men complaining online everyday about how they don’t want to date overweight women of their own kind. Why would they date an overweight woman of another race? That makes no sense. That’s why you when you see a white man with a black woman, she is almost always slim. (Honestly I have never seen a white man with an overweight black woman, but surely there are some of these couplings out there.)

    Reply

    • anoy
      Sep 22, 2012 @ 10:23:08

      Those bbw women are desperate to get wm at all means possible, so I’m not surprised anymore. Smh. They’re supposed to be uplifting the image of bw, not lowering it.

      Reply

      • Neecy
        Sep 23, 2012 @ 09:20:42

        YES this is why i don’t post as much anymore. It seems some of those women have reached ridiculous levels of desperation to date White men.

        Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 23, 2012 @ 09:02:31

      Hi Penny,

      I agree that the obesit rate of Black women is waaay too high and will overall hinder her potential in the dating market with MOST highly desirable NON Black or White men. This is somehting that Black women in GENERAL need to understand and accept. that other cultures may not view obesity and/or being overweight attractive in any way, shape or form (no pun intended).

      And yes, this could be at play as to why some men in general just don’t bother, b/c they feel they may find the majority of Black women on these sites are overweight? I dont know since I have not perused the profiles of Black women in online dating sites.

      I am going to guess however, that most Black women intersted in Interracial dating are more aware of the ideals and likes of the group of men they are seeking- so who is to say that the number of Black owmen on these sites are not the slimmer non obese ones who are still simply being overlooked b/c White men are ASSUMING that all the BW on their are overweight?

      There are still plenty of Black women who are of many different sizes that still marry White (see Evia’s site where a lot of the Black women who she shows in marriages in relaionships with White men are of vaarying sizes). The point is if a Black woman is overweight she needs to understand she should be seeking a man equally on her level phsyically. meaning, if a Black woman who is overweight believes she is entitled to a fit highly attractive sought after White male and she is not up to her phsycial A game, then she should be aware that this is not how it works in the dating arena.

      I am a big beiever in people seeking thier own level of attractiveness. but sometimes people feel they deserve much better than what they are bringing to the table, ignoring those who are on their same level and become delusional and start complaining about how they can’t find the right person. This is not something Black women are soley guilt of BUT EVERYONE of any race nad gender – especially in ONLINE dating!

      Reply

  25. kia
    Sep 22, 2012 @ 12:01:41

    PennyFarthing – I don’t know why you felt the need to point that out since there are obviously fat women of all races. There are gorgeous slim black women walking the earth, but you chose to focus on something that is not even relevant to the discussion. We are specifically speaking of black women attracting other men by claiming other races that they look nothing like which is pathetic and sad when there are plenty of men who will like black women just as they are.

    Reply

    • PennyFarthing
      Sep 22, 2012 @ 13:03:29

      These BW who claim to be interracial and then they get more responses.from white men, are they overweight or are they slim? Yes this IS relevant.

      Reply

      • NaalaK
        Sep 22, 2012 @ 17:38:02

        Penny.is.right.
        VAST.MAJORITY.OF.AMERCAN.WHITE.MEN.LIKE.SLIM.WOMEN
        Lose.weight…OPTIONS.GROW!

        Reply

      • Neecy
        Sep 23, 2012 @ 09:07:27

        This is MORESO an issue for Black women who, are overweight YET seeking men who are not overweight and are in better phsycial condition and who aren’t on their level phsyically. If an overweight Black women is seeking a man of equal physical level and attrativeness its not a problem.

        often times thgough, what happens is people in general feel they are deserving of what they want even if they are not bringing thier phsycial A game to the table. And suddenly they start complaining about not getting any datesd. The problem may be is that htey are overlookin the people who are aesthetically on thier level.

        If you are an overweight Black woman looking for a Chris Evans – uh sorry it aint gonna happen. This goes for anyone though of any gender or race – stay in your lane when it comes to seeking an intimate partner. you will have more success.

        men are mainly more guilty of this than women, but there are also some delusional women out there as well.

        Reply

        • PennyFarthing
          Sep 23, 2012 @ 12:55:49

          No way, men may *claim* they want a certain look, but after being alone for six months they change their tune. Women on the other hand will foolishly remain alone for years while insisting that her special prince will appear soon. Women are far more unrealistic about these matters.

          Reply

          • Neecy
            Sep 24, 2012 @ 06:17:18

            Yeah but you forgot a cavoeat to men altering their preferences. While men may be more willing to alter thier preferences (b/c they need and crave sex more often and readily than women) when the woman he prefers does come along he will figure out a way to dump the woman he “settled” for.

            Women will hold out longer b/c they are least likely to drag someone along and use them until they find the man they want – men wil drag a woman he is really not into along and then later upgrade when he gets the chance.

            Reply

  26. kia
    Sep 22, 2012 @ 12:20:25

    Sorry this isn’t relevant, but I didn’t want to post in a dead zone where your not checking or leaving comments anymore. Another thing over at BBW that I disagreed with, was there a post about alpha men a year ago. Everyone saying Alpha men are abusive and controlling. I’m thinking that’s a stereotype of what an alpha man is. Then this year, everyone saying in the post about alpha men, how they stand up for their families and wife, they have jobs, and don’t complain about how ‘the man’ is keeping them from accomplishing things. How they provide for their families. They don’t beat up anyone that look at them sideways. Sometimes the posts at BBW contradict themselves.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 23, 2012 @ 09:11:06

      Hmmm i never saw those posts.

      Hoenstly, while I like BBW some of the women there have turned me off over the years b/c they just come off as desperate. I am all for Black women opening their options to dating men of other races, but some of these women take it to the extreme at how insecure and desperate they are. I think the discussion on the racial switch just only confirmed this to me.

      There are some great and intelligent women on there but there are also some women who just irk me. So I don’t post or read as often as I used to b/c of that. But i will make a post if I feel something needs to be said.

      Reply

      • anon
        Sep 23, 2012 @ 22:01:42

        sorry this is going to be long….

        I’m fairly regular commenter there but lately I haven’t posted much and I wasn’t about to touch this one with a ten foot pole. While I respect Christelyn and her central message and how she tries her hardest to be diplomatic (and she does a damn good job at it, more so than most black women oriented sites), some of the commenters really irk me. The way some of them talk its clear they view white men as a status symbol to prove their worthiness, no different then a designer purse or luxury car.

        Christelyn (rightfully so) has preached character over color. What does it say about a man’s character when he is dismissing you before even meeting you? And why are you trying to appeal to that man in the first place? Whatever happened to self-respect? I see this too much in the off-line world too. Women passing up decent men of varying colors while chasing white men that diss them. I actually confronted a friend about this years ago when a white man she was throwing herself at was pulling some serious “he’s just not that into you” moves. I asked her “would you tolerate that from a black man? a hispanic man? so why this jerk?” Needless to say, she saw the light and is in a functional relationship now.

        For the record I’m pro interracial dating and in an interracial relationship myself. But just not like this. I find myself visiting so called “progressive” black women sites less and less because to be frank, I got tired of black women whining about white men that don’t want them, how can they attract white men, why don’t white men respond to their messages on ok cupid? “My boyfriend says the N-word constantly is that ok?” “My boyfriend talks about my jungle booty and I don’t like it, what do I do?” Look, some of us are more attractive physically and otherwise than others. We are going to have varying degrees of difficulty and ease when it comes to dating and no book, blog or forum is going to fix that.

        Reply

        • Neecy
          Sep 24, 2012 @ 06:24:11

          ANON we are completely —————–><—————————— !!

          i too stopped posting and reading after last year when i realized how desperate and dangerously insecure those women were. Like I said there are still a *few* who get it, but for the most part a lot of those women on BBW come off as having some major issues.

          I had always been outspoken and some of the women couldn't handle it and sought to start fights and such with me. so i just left b/c I didn't have time for that nonsense.

          Not only that, a lot of them still harp on the "colorism" issues of Black men but will overlook it when WHite men are doing it which says a lot.

          I'm going ot make a post on this issue. that Black women need to maintain thier self respect and dignity at all times. no man likes a desperate woman unless its just to use her. Men love feminine women who they feel are valuable – and act as such.

          Black women still have quite a bit to learn when it comes to interracial dating. it makes no sense to have a slew of damaged insecure BW crossing the color lines making things worse, with thier desperation. Some things need to be said and darnit I am not afraid to say it (making a post right after this).

          And yes I am 100% for Black women opening thier options to other races, but i'll be damned if I will co-sign on the way so many of these BW are going about it.

          Reply

          • anon
            Sep 24, 2012 @ 10:51:36

            “Not only that, a lot of them still harp on the “colorism” issues of Black men but will overlook it when WHite men are doing it which says a lot.”

            EXACTLY!!!!

            just a couple of months ago there was a post about colorism in interracial dating (a good topic to bring up) and SEVERAL commenters posted that white men “prefer dark skin”, and some “nyah nyah light-skinned/mixed chicks” and now look where we are.

            Reply

            • Neecy
              Sep 24, 2012 @ 11:02:28

              Yeah i also got tired of the division of colorim amongst Blaxck women “White men like dark skinned Black women” blah blah blah. We are all Black women be us light and dark and I have seen WHite men with ALL shades and looks of Black women. no need to try to make it out to be some skin color competition. It just gets really annoying afterwhile.

              I understand a lot of BW have been damaged and hurt, but perpetuating this nonsense in the interracial arena isn’t going to improve ANYTHING. Especially since these women would have lighter and mixed daughters as a result of mating with White men.

              Frankly, I feel a lot of Black women need to heal thier minds and insecurities before they start running off to another race of men to help them feel whole and complete. All they will do is take those issues and baggage into the relationships and end up with damaged WHite men who will make them feel worse.

              I don’t feel a lot of those BW have truly love and accepted themsleves and are seeking it in WHite men. Interracial dating is not for the weak or vlnerable Black women AT ALL.

              Reply

  27. gunslingergregi
    Sep 22, 2012 @ 21:43:37

    seriously though every black chick i date ready to get married and me move in and have kids right away lolzzz
    whats up with that

    Reply

  28. gunslingergregi
    Sep 22, 2012 @ 21:59:03

    next cunnard
    No black woman gives a crap about any white guy (hey, common ground between the black female and the white female!!) and they certainly have no interest in dating or marrying one. ””””
    lol yea right read my above
    same thing black dudes say full of shit its just that black chicks usually can’t get white dudes how many go to black clubs like 0

    Reply

  29. kia
    Sep 24, 2012 @ 18:33:05

    Also not relevant but didn’t want to post in a dead zone. The first video I saw with Christelyn from her site BBW. She was interviewing these nice looking college white guys, saying they would date black girls, but how black girls segregate themselves from non blacks. I was mortified when she asked them what they thought of black single mothers. Is that what you discuss when your dating non black men?

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 24, 2012 @ 19:31:24

      LOL What was their response?

      Reply

      • kia
        Sep 24, 2012 @ 22:37:40

        Don’t remember what they said but here’s the link.
        Just wondering when some black women date out, if they always talk racial politics, or if they just focus on getting to know each other and being a couple.

        Reply

        • Neecy
          Sep 25, 2012 @ 08:24:23

          Ok. While i know Chris’s heart is always in the right place, I do think BW should avoid talking the racial politics of “being a Black woman” when encountering Non black men who are interested. Not all BW are overly independent. Not all BW have a hard time falling back. I’d say Keep it light and airy b/c there is going to be more than enough racial issues they may have to face out on outside.

          I’m guessing for most of the men who would be interested in being with a Black woman, its really b/c they just happen to like her as an individual and not specifically b/c of her race. Once BW start pouring out the Black female racial politics, I’m guessing it can be quite uncomfy (and probably a turn off) for these men.

          I’m with you. Black women need to focus more on getting to know the guy and vice versa. That doesn’t mean spilling out all of the racial baggae or politics that face Black women. I think BW should save most of their Black woman racial politics discussion with each other. Not saying at times your S/O wouldn’t want to understand or hear certain things about race and how it affects BW, but just have a relationship as normal as possible.

          If BW are going to be successful in IR’s they have to be willing to let go some of the racial baggae that they are bringing with them from Black men/Black community and let these men just like/love her as a person without all the race talk every hour on the hour.

          I don’t talk race with Non Black guys I may meet and are getting to know. Unless its a direct discussion. But for the most part, I’m just trying to get to know the guy as a person and he’s doing the same.

          Reply

          • anon
            Sep 25, 2012 @ 10:37:24

            Well Christelyn is the primary pusher of No Wedding, No Womb. Didn’t watch the video, but I have a feeling she asked the question as a way to point out how hard it can be dating with kids already. Single motherhood has been a constant topic on the site. She also caught A LOT of heating for suggesting that black women need to lose weight to increase their chances.

            Reply

            • Neecy
              Sep 25, 2012 @ 19:03:34

              Yeah she did get a lot of heat for the weight thing. i just think some BW just don’t want to face the facts. its a lot easier and more comfortable to not have to work hard at losing the weight and believing that it doesn’t hinder you on a greater scale. The sexual market place has a lot of competition. The fit women who are also curvy will rule the nest. Thats just how it is.

              And BW do need to not just get fitter for dating purposes but for health reasons.

              There are too many of us that are simply obese and overweigt and delusional about where that places us in the dating arena and on the desirable charts overall. that’s just the truth and if some BW don;t wanna accept or face it that is fine, but they will close a ton of options they would have if they were much more at a healtheir fit weight..

              Reply

          • Bishop The Eastside Nappyhead
            Nov 15, 2012 @ 19:00:40

            most times I’d have to say I’m so against it. The black woman belongs with the black man. Most (not all) white men could never truly understand her. It starts out as something new and fun, us against the world even but c’mon. I mean if its true love its cool, but don’t say ur given up on black men because you attract losers and then attract a white winner and think you’ve found the answer.. I swear this is something that irked me so much when I lived in Latin America, my boyishly good looks and smoking hot physique was never good enough for the black panamanians. They needed that white man to feel secure, i swore me being american was enough, but they knew about Katrina, that we don’t have any real voice and purchasing power. I got played there for fat greesy looking white men, I was like really? Him? the skin color was all he needed….Its cool though, they just impregnate them and leave, they never really bring them back to the states, ignorance.

            Reply

            • Neecy
              Nov 20, 2012 @ 16:05:59

              Well I am sure that any of those Black women come to America or go to any Western country they will be saying the same thing about how Black men act with other races of women. In fact, you Black men are more guilty of this very behavior than Black women. Its just when you see it being done to YOU personally, it seems unfair and crazy. yet, it doesn’t seem that way when you guys are doing the same thing does it?

              Reply

              • Bishop The Eastside Nappyhead
                Nov 21, 2012 @ 17:04:49

                i feel the same way when I see black men doing it, it kind of sickens me how I hear guy talking about it. Yo I got me a bunny, and his boys let out gasps of jealousy. Each saying how they want one as if the white woman was some type of precious commodity. But me personally, theres nothing better than a smooth chocolatey sista…And of course it bothers me when its done to me, I’m being told that I’m not good enough because my skin can absorb the suns harmful rays and my hair can entrap water to keep me cool in the tropical heat. Its because I don’t need sunblock cream on my nose that Im not official enough, I couldn’t possibly be a learned individual bilingual by choice with several degrees, na not someone who looks like me

                Reply

                • TS
                  Nov 22, 2012 @ 22:03:27

                  Bishop,
                  Black women don’t owe you anything. They don’t owe you a proper explanation for their dating choices. You should concentrate on the black women that actually express an interest in you. Many black males love to come to pro-interracial black women blogs to tell the women what they should and should not desire. Here’s a tip, visit the black love blogs and talk about black love all you want. The women on those blogs are dying to hear from men such as yourself.

                  Reply

                  • Bishop The Eastside Nappyhead
                    Nov 23, 2012 @ 00:05:05

                    So I can’t express myself, is this not a free country, I never said I’m owed anything. But must I keep the feeling guarded up inside me until they make me explode. Or can I just vent a little by commenting on a blog. I mean I’m not hurting anyone, Im trying my hardest not to sound offensive. People make choices and I’m not owed an explanation, however if you are a black woman and you choose a white man over a more qualified or equally (attractiveness education financial stability and all that) you have to ask yourself, is that your preference, and can you view white as more attractive and still have a positive image of yourself? Thats basically what I’m trying to figure out, the numbers just don’t computer

                    Reply

                  • Neecy
                    Dec 17, 2012 @ 16:11:35

                    I agree TS!

                    Black men who claim to have an undying love for Black women need to go to sites where the Black women need to hear this. As I said, its far more common and consistent for Black males to step on, over and past Back women (while openly and pubicly humiliating us as a group). Yet when they are not the center of attention in Black women’ lives who have moved on, they become frustrated and upset and feel as they are being pushed aside.

                    I am not here to say whether or not they should or should not feel that way, but to act as if Black women are the perpetrators of these actions on a regular basis is UNFAIR and only stands to once again have Black men ignore their actions that are similar.

                    Once again this goes back to my pot on how selfish people who are entitled (because they have been placed on a pedestal) feel pain only when they are on the receiving end. But when other ike themselves are the ones doing these same actions, they seem to overlook that b/c they are not being affected.

                    Reply

  30. kia
    Sep 24, 2012 @ 18:57:10

    Of course there will always be women – including black women – who see certain men as higher status, but to say that most black women view other men that way would be a generalization. Not all black women view other men as a status symbol or step up in society – that depends on the woman. I am only attracted to non black men, but it has nothing to do with their status in society, that’s just my preference. Though I am also aware there are certain types of men, especially black men who are not protecting their women and children and helping to damage the black image with hip hop culture. Including GOP – Good on Paper – a term from the site Black Women Deserve Better. Neecy can you do a post on “Good Black Men”? who abuse their position with black women who are not interested in dating out? A good example would be Nia Long in Essence who has two children from so called “Good Black Men” who she was engaged to be married to, but they dumped her. With her saying we just werent ready to be married. These ‘good black men’ will sex as many women as they can until they get too old, and will then find a young naive ‘nothing but black man’ black woman trophy wife to take care of them in their old age.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 24, 2012 @ 19:34:37

      Possibly. but honestly i have no interest on addressing the silly minded Black women who continue to act like doormats for Black men or any men. I will however, start making posts for “new age” Black women who need to start looking out for one another and finding other like minded BW to interact with and such.

      So definitley if you have other ideas on posts for BW improvement I would love to hear them b/c that is the direction i want to take this blog.

      Reply

    • Bishop The Eastside Nappyhead
      Nov 16, 2012 @ 12:18:51

      ouch that irks me what you said….a naive nothing but black man BW…I hope your white men treat you right and give you all your heart desires. color doesnt matter in terms of behavior. There are black men that aint shit, there are white latino and green indian an asiaticos that aint shit understand

      Reply

  31. Vicki Mallory
    Sep 25, 2012 @ 10:28:56

    Interesting thread. I lurked and read through this post. It’s always interesting to feel the pulse of this dynamic. I’m still curious about the thinking behind European men regarding black American women vs women from Africa. Thanks for sharing your opinions everyone.

    Reply

  32. K
    Sep 25, 2012 @ 22:15:12

    Hey, Neecy.
    I was a long time lurker at BBW and I remember reading a lot of your posts and found myself mentally nodding in agreement with a lot that you wrote. You made the most sense out of most of the other members, some were really “out there”, though some were just as level-headed as you.
    But I am a 20 something black woman, so I have nothing to contribute to this post except glean what others have posted. Thanks everyone for giving me a peek into the brain of most American white men and just your opinions on the subject in general. I also agree with the fact that I always felt BBW was pushing too much for status bonuses with interracial marriages and relationships and such things in the blogs that were too much for me so I eventually stopped coming.
    I am interesting in dating inter-racially, but certainly not for that reason, and I am not even sure how I feel about marriage at this point of my life, as there is still much to be done.
    But I understand the sentiment of taking stereotypes into consideration, and how true some of them are to begin with. And as a low-income black person, I definitely feel the isolation and always have, it’s a huge factor in leaving your roots and trying to extend to others.
    Anyways, I’m rambling. I just wanted to compliment you, Neecy. And by the way, you are very lovely. :-)

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 26, 2012 @ 19:23:17

      HEY K!!

      Thank you for your kind words!

      Here’s my take on the whole interracial thing and Black women –STOP FOCUSING ON IT! The reality is, we should simply be focused on improving our lives and ourselves as women – mentally, emotionally and physically. Being in love and finding a wonderful partner these days is great, but there is a lot of BS going on out there right now in terms of reltionships and frankly, I don’t feel single Black women are missing out much. Placing all your focusing on a group or race of men is just not healthy.

      Stop focusing on MEN and focus on self and the men of quality of any race will come to you. I am not saying that Black women shouldn’t be made aware of the options they should utilize in the dating arena, the things that we should do to make ourselves more desirable, but I am against the blatant focusing on White men and “catching a White man” that some of these forums suggest. All a Black woman needs to know is that she is open to other races. There are things she can do to make herself desirable and available, but jst plainly focusing on getting a White men is ridiculous and unhealthy.

      Black women are too “man focused” and not SELF-FOCUSED.

      Now you mentioned to be in your 20’s. This is a great time for you to get your feet wet and find a good partner of any race – but don’t be desperate or foolish. I feel if a woman takes care of herself, her mind and body she will not have a problem meeting a man as long as she is not too standoffish and knows the subtle things to do when she sees a man interested in her.

      Now to be fair, BBW and other sites do discuss other pertinent issues affecting Black women and empowerment, but I still feel the foundations are somewhat shaky when we use interracial dating as a form of empowerment for Black women.

      Empowerment for Black women should be freeing ourselves of the mental and physical chains that is the Black community learning indifference towards things and people who are not in our corner, stop sacrificing our happiness and well being for others, and recognizing a Black women is always best seeking her own happiness wherever she may without the guilt or feeling of responsibility for other Black people (or people in general), Black men, and the Black community.

      Reply

  33. omerta327
    Sep 25, 2012 @ 22:47:52

    Just testing out my new kindle fire HD to see if I can post here on it.

    Reply

  34. Zorro
    Sep 26, 2012 @ 06:29:42

    One of my favorite topics!!! (I’ve been on vacation for the past two weeks.)

    Vanessa Williams…MMMMMmmmmmmm!!!!!!!! That girl is Raquel Welch with a tan that just won’t quit.

    Jennifer Hudson! NUM NUM NUM NUM!!

    I’ve seen a number of BWs online that are smokin’ hawt that I would dearly love to nuzzle. Alas, I live in Vermont where there are only about 47 African-Americans, too many of them men and the remaining girls potentially occupied with other people.

    Anyway, I have NOOOO problems with BWs and once worked with one that was just NUMPCIOUS (if that’s a word). That was in Boston.

    So, anyway, I am totally in favor of brown sugar. The white stuff will kill you.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 26, 2012 @ 19:24:26

      LOL!!! ZORROOOOOO!!! How ya been my deary?? I missed ya nad glad to know you are still lurking around these parts. So how was your vaca and where did you go?

      Reply

    • Ray
      Jan 10, 2013 @ 04:01:09

      I totally agree with you on Vanessa Williams! I recently saw a picture of her semi nude and the woman has the perfect body! It amazes me that someone over fifty could rock a body that twenty something girls would sell their souls for! One of the reasons I’ve always liked black women is that I’ve never seen one of you ladies that didn’t look at least ten years younger than your true age!
      Jennifer Hudson is pretty hot too!

      Reply

  35. Zorro
    Sep 26, 2012 @ 06:31:45

    PS: Many BWs have EPIC hynies, and I love to paddle a girl’s hynie when they’re naughty…which I sometimes just invent.

    Reply

  36. Zorro
    Sep 26, 2012 @ 09:43:52

    I have Fri-Sun off, so I will try to answer all 7 of your very interesting questions on my home PC. Till then…

    The Horse

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 26, 2012 @ 19:24:58

      ok ;)

      Reply

    • Zorro
      Sep 28, 2012 @ 19:40:10

      1) Is it as simple as these men may not have known that they “wanted or were interested” in a BW until they actually saw her by chance? OR do men clearly know what they want and if they make a conscious choice to uncheck a particular racial category they are not interested in, b/c that is truly not what they are looking for?
      I cannot and will not attempt to describe what “other men” are looking for. Or are interested in. Or will tolerate. Or will accept. Or will get a fucking boner over. The whole racial category kind of creeps me out. I, personally, don’t care. If a chick is black as night or kind of mocha chino, so be it. I have no racial issues on that score. Spike Lee take a flying leap. I’m not riding on that bus. Rosa Parks can do what she likes.
      2) Am I making a bigger deal of this than I need to be? Am I reading too deeply into this? Is it really no big deal for a Black women to do whatever necessary to increase her chances of being in front of more men’s eyeballs online by checking racial categories that would garner more results?
      Can’t comment.
      3) Should Black women stay Black and proud or mix themselves up for a few dates and profile clicks?
      Sure. Go see what results it gets.
      4) What are the odds that a man who was not consciously seeking out a Black woman or woman of a particular race, changing his views and extending himself based on a particular woman’s pic and profile popping up on his search even though he had not searched directly for that particular type of woman?
      Particular type of woman???? Beyond being black, what makes a woman a particular type? Her heart? Her mind? The kindness and generosity of her spirit? Her playfulness?
      5) Are men *REALLY* confused about what they want or is it painfully true that men DO in fact know what they want and sometimes for whatever reasons it’s NOT a particular type of woman – be it her race or other factors, and no matter the amount of tricking “computer algorithms” to increase your odds of being in more searches (yes someone actually said that is what this all boils down to and not lying about your racial make-up) is going to change that?
      Yes.
      6) Would you see it as a desperate attempt of a BW who CLEARLY looks Black but is claiming all of these racial admixtures to seem more exotic and acceptable to you or men who are more comfy with a watered down Black woman vs. a simply regular black girl even if she looked like a Black woman?
      Yes! (You don’t like this answer? Narrow your question.)
      7) What are your thoughts on the success rate Black women would have by doing this (checking all of the racial categories on her profile to come up on more Non lack men’s searches who would not have otherwise seen her b/c they did not have the “Black” box checked for preferences)?
      Online shit is stupid. Check all the boxes you like, girl. Whatever produces the best results is what you need, girl!!!!

      Reply

      • Neecy
        Sep 29, 2012 @ 09:24:50

        HEY Zorro! thanks so much for your input!!!! Hope work is going well for you. I see you still are your same ole spunky self!

        LOL I agree the race thing gets tiring, but unfortunatley, that is the world and society we live in and people gotta talk about it.

        Reply

  37. Superman
    Sep 27, 2012 @ 12:56:14

    Online dating is not favorable to Black men or women. I did the same thing, I ticked my profile as every single race (Black, white, asian, etc.) to experiment. I am African and Wesley Snipes dark, but that’s what you gotta do to stick out online.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 27, 2012 @ 16:34:52

      hey Superman!

      yeah i think it says volumes especialy when Black men (who typically do okay in the interracial arena) even have issues online. B/C the reality is Black men usually overall don’t face such rejections in real life with other races of women. So that alone says volumes about how online dating is not a good place for Black people looking to date interracially to start.

      how has your success been as a Black male in the interracial market on more face to face interactions?

      Reply

      • Superman
        Sep 27, 2012 @ 17:52:45

        I actually disagree with that notion that Black men don’t face such rejections in real life. I believe the same issues online exist in real life, they’re just more placated and subtle. For instance, people have no qualms telling someone to go F themselves on the internet, but probably don’t have the balls to say it to someone’s face in person. Doesn’t mean they still don’t want the other person to go F themselves.

        I think the same applies to dating. A lot of women have no issues not dating a Black guy online because they’re at the comfort of their computer. But in person, they reject them more subtly. They give them a number and just flake.

        Almost all women that liked me, I would later learn that they were already “receptive” to dating Black men.

        I did a few posts about this very topic that go into it in more detail that you might like:

        http://supermanpua.blogspot.com/2012/01/black-men-dating-white-women-jungle.html

        http://supermanpua.blogspot.com/2011/08/most-women-are-racists.html

        Reply

        • Neecy
          Sep 28, 2012 @ 06:50:31

          hey Superman!

          I found the study to be interesting and almost accurate. i do believe women in general prefer their own race of man for protection purposes (although it has been shown women are more likley to be killed or harmed by the men of their own race).

          And I agree that it is much easier for people online to be who they truly are b/c they are in the comfort of thier computers.

          I am pro interracial dating but not at the point of obsessing over it.

          Reply

  38. Mike
    Oct 01, 2012 @ 14:29:54

    Interesting topic, and although I hardly ever would bother to read the comments on a post with this many replies, the topic, and the commentor’s responses interested me, as did your replies to them.

    That said, is that my impression is that black women, as a general rule, just don’t seem to be interested in dating out of their race. I don’t think it’s just my impression either since their marriage rates for outside of their race are the lowest in the country. So I wouldn’t think an average while guy is going to even consider checking the box on their dating profile for a black woman. If you already think she’s not interested, why bother?

    Of course, maybe I just don’t get how dating sites work, but you presented the situation as all of the racial options are pre-filled, and the guy has to make the choice to uncheck the box. Wouldn’t they all be blank and you would have to go in and check them yourself? That one feature would make a lot of difference. But even if all of the boxes are prefilled, I think it’s likely that percentage wise, more black women are unchecking the white box than guys are unchecking the black one.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Oct 01, 2012 @ 19:51:37

      Hey Mike (Gonna break this post up in two parts).

      thanks for posting and thank you for taking the time to read through all the comments. It can be quite tedious when I get to posting b/c I am “long-winded” as Jason pointed out. LOL!

      In regards to Black women overall not being interested in interracial dating I think the answer is two-fold. Usually due to the lack of positive reinforcement Black women receive from their own race of men, and with the constant barrage and bombardment of images of every woman “but Black” in the media being the objects of affections of all men and being promoted as the feminine ideals, while Black women are often shown as unattractive loud unfeminine creatures, a lot of Black women in their psyches believe that other men cannot and will not appreciate them or see them as viable partners in a romantic relationship. If your own race of men don’t appreciate you, then they feel how can another race of men?

      So many Black women avoid even the possibility of seeking other races of men out of fear that they won’t take her seriously, or will not be able to understand or appreciate her beauty or her as a woman. SO they just avoid it.

      Then you have Black women who have been indoctrinated by Black community and Black men from birth., to avoid other races of men “because they only want to use Black women for sex” and would never marry her. This puts a *FEAR* in Black women who then feel only Black men are their available options and therefore they put up with Black men only even when its obviously against our own best interests. And even when its Black men who are using them for sex and abandoning them and their own kids. But when a person feels they have no other options, then they stick with all they believe they have available to them – in this instance many Black women feel Black men are their only viable options.

      Reply

    • Neecy
      Oct 01, 2012 @ 19:52:26

      Regarding the online dating thing. Actually studies show that many Black women online are typically open to other races. Most of the Black women who date online who actually prefer other races usually check all the racial categories. Another method a lot of Black women have been using successfully to let a White men (the ones who aren’t just de-checking the Black box) is simply checking the “white only” box if they are only interested in White men (of course Black men seem to get through that filter and try) LOL.

      So if you are online you will find the Black women open to dating other races have either all the boxes checked or “white” box checked. Yes believe it or not, there are Black women who actually prefer white men over their own. You wouldn’t know this but they are out there.

      I think the same applies to White men. Its common knowledge to most that White men place White women on a pedestal the same way Black women do to Black men. So both Black women and White men don’t feel each stands a chance with the other. It’s a case of Black women thinking most White men aren’t interested in them and White men feeling most Black women aren’t interested in them either. LOL

      It seems to me both BW and WM (who are interested in dating each other) need to be a bit more open and comfortable with showing attraction towards each other. It seems Black men and White women have mastered this and they are comfortable with showing attraction to each other Hopefully more WM and BW will start doing the same.

      Regarding the online dating thing. Actually studies show that many Black women online are typically open to other races. Most of the Black women who date online who actually prefer other races usually check all the racial categories. Another method a lot of Black women have been using successfully to let a White men (the ones who aren’t just de-checking the Black box) is simply checking the “white only” box if they are only interested in White men (of course Black men seem to get through that filter and try) LOL.

      So if you are online you will find the Black women open to dating other races have either all the boxes checked or “white” box checked. Yes believe it or not, there are Black women who actually prefer white men over their own. You wouldn’t know this but they are out there.

      I think the same applies to White men. Its common knowledge to most that White men place White women on a pedestal the same way Black women do to Black men. So both Black women and White men don’t feel each stands a chance with the other. It’s a case of Black women thinking most White men aren’t interested in them and White men feeling most Black women aren’t interested in them either. LOL

      It seems to me both BW and WM (who are interested in dating each other) need to be a bit more open and comfortable with showing attraction towards each other. It seems Black men and White women have mastered this and they are comfortable with showing attraction to each other Hopefully more WM and BW will start doing the same.

      Reply

      • Mike
        Oct 06, 2012 @ 14:10:12

        Wow, you are long winded! No wonder you need a blog!

        In regards to Black Women not getting positive reinforcement from Black Men,, causing them to automatically not consider men of other races… that’s just not an observation or viewpoint that I don’t think I would ever observe or pick up. I suppose you may observe that in your everyday life but I think you can understand why white men would never have that answer occur to them and never consider it.

        Oh, and if you have not seen this article, check it out.

        http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424053111903454504576486492588283556.html

        This came out about a year ago and caused quite a bit of comment.

        Reply

        • Neecy
          Oct 06, 2012 @ 20:23:46

          Mike you must know that my middle name is “long-winded” HELLOOO!! LOL. Brevity is just not one of my strengths – although I wish it was.

          I wouldn’t expect White men to really understand that may be why some BW don’t consider IR’s, but that is only one of many reasons – but the other part of that is, this would not be an issue for Black women is more White men were bolder in approaching us letting us know of their interest. If I had a penny for every time I was on an interracial forum and a White or Non Black man either made a post or wrote in a letter asking how to overcome shyness approaching Black women I’d be a trillionare!

          That is a huge factor at play here b/c culturally White men are much shier in approaching women they are not comfortable with or are unsure of in being receptive to him. It’s kinda like the chicken egg. Black women will always keep assuming WM are not interested or attracted if White men are not typically approaching showing romantic interest, and White men are least likely to approach women they feel may not be receptive to them.

          Black men are more likely to openly approach women of other races even knowing that there is a high possibility of rejection. White men simply DO NOT approach Black women even when they may have an interest. This is going to cause Black women to feel that White men are not interested or ATTRACTED, when they may actually be.

          So it’s a lot of different things. I think if more White men who saw a Black woman he was interested in were much bolder in at least approaching these women, you’d see much greater numbers in Ir’s between BW and WM. AND it will put out the idea that WM are not attracted to Black women b/c Black women would see more approaching her. See how that works?

          Reply

        • Neecy
          Oct 06, 2012 @ 20:24:29

          Regarding the article. Meh. I have mixed feelings about all these barrages of articles targeted Black women and low marriage rates. Personally I think it’s just another form of media trying to “other” Black women and “confirm” some idea of undesirability. I never trust the media’s intentions when they are constantly “researching” and obsessing over everything Black women are dealing with. I think it’s just a slick way of once again trying to tear our womanhood down.

          Reply

        • Ray
          Jan 10, 2013 @ 12:15:20

          Mike, Long winded? Our Neecy? Nah! We like to think of her as prolific!

          Reply

  39. EV
    Oct 14, 2012 @ 23:29:56

    Not a guy, but thought I’d throw in my 2 cents anyway. I dated w/online ads, enjoyed it 99% of the time and met my husband of 10+ years that way. I always claimed my specific multiracial lineage in my profiles as I tend to do in my general life – regardless of what people say they see or don’t see. Why should I care? I think Americans have it screwed up that multiracial = phenotypically ambiguous and relatively fair-skinned etc.. BTW, A lot of the children produced of so-called B/W IR unions are really just extra-multiracial and not true ‘biracials’.

    You can have brown skin and kinky or super-curly hair and be mixed race all day. It’s not a big deal, it happens. I don’t know if it’s the tradition of one-dropping or what but you’ll hear someone refer to an Obama or Halle Berry type as ‘looking just regular Black’. At this point in time ‘regular black'(from 2 brown-ish American or Carib parents) often contains many mixtures. So when IR children come out leaning more to the non-AA side or just flat-out mysterious, the dumb nanny questions start when most are too blind to see that often the so-called ‘Black’ parent is pre-swirled, already mixed.

    To steer back to the topic a lil more, I don’t see why a ‘Black’ advertising dater who is only part African can’t claim the rest…just like a so-called ‘White’ person who has a blend… say, Irish, German, Hawaiian and Native American is free to lay all of that out without ppl getting silly. I’ve met and known many non-AA ppl who ‘look’ predominately one category but have no problem w/laundry-listing. However, when visible African ancestry is present then everyone plays dumb and requires 1st generation papers and for the person’s parents to look like Ebony and Ivory. Pssshhh. When exactly does the mixture ‘run out’ in a family and become a non-entity? AFAIK It doesn’t…That’s genetics fer ya….

    Reply

  40. EV
    Oct 14, 2012 @ 23:40:57

    ….I don’t think it matters much in dating for women because usually the gal’s perceived beauty is the element that strikes the man, not being pure or mixed ….or claiming to be pure or mixed.
    If I knew for a fact that I was from totally one sort of European, African, or Asian stock, no I wouldn’t lie for more hits or intrigue. OTOH with my personality, if I only looked totally White or Asian or Black but wasn’t, I wouldn’t brush my truth(s) aside to be ‘safe’ and PC. I wasn’t running for political office so I wasn’t pandering or trying to suck up to any one group so I told the truth.

    In the dating pool, you can have 5+ lineages but if you’re not up to snuff, it’s not going to make a bit of difference. If you’re a pure-blood immigrant …or somehow, miraculously your family avoided dilution & you’re lovely, then you’ll have a great selection.

    & I’ll add that Miss Hawt or Relatively-Hawt won’t be writing to guys in the first place, they’ll write to her. I want know why these pre-rejected women even know what random guys have ticked off as choices in the first place. I think part of the problem is women cruising the profiles w/ intention of sending notes to men. No, no, no… For the millionth time no…not a great idea. This is on a basic male-female rel’p level, forget about color. If a woman wants to strike out and try something ‘bold'(read: stupid, IMO) , Why get touchy and pull the race card if/when it blows up in her face?

    The best thing is to make a decent profile at a couple of sites and choose from the ones that want to meet you. It’s matching/dating not rocket science or a popularity contest. I’m slightly above-average at my best and had more messages than I could deal with. Unless something has changed radically since the late 90s-early 00s then I don’t get why this(online dating for AA &/or mixed women) has become so difficult and overanalyzed.

    I saw the post at the other blog about the labeling experiment. She’s hot, duh! Few guys who aren’t blinded by racism will overlook a pretty woman. Her better mixed labelled results might stem from plain old product placement as well. For ex. If I tend to like say VW, Volvos and Toyotas and my search turns up another brand that seems compelling, I’d investigate further unless I was just seriously insanely brand-loyal.

    …Another question to ask about the Experiment is how much was she ‘lying’ and how ‘regular black’ is she after all? I’d need a DNA test. lolz. kidding!:P

    Thought-provoking stuff…& Neat to read the guys’ POV too. Thanks Neecy!

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Oct 17, 2012 @ 14:02:59

      Hey EV!

      Thanks for contributing!

      Well I have to say ultimatley every BW has different experiences and such that would make her feel either comfortable or uncomfortable with checking mixed races boxes. I think the meat and guts of what I and some others pointed out is that if you are a BW that has spent most of your life claiming various mixtures – and you don’t change that when it comes to online dating, then you are only doing what you have been doing naturally since you have been born. BUT if a Black woman who has never really claimed various admixtures and has for the most part always basically seen herself as “Black” to *SUDDENLY* change it up simply to gain more attention in online dating from men who are pre-occupied more with a woman’s race and whether or not he is even interested in seeking her out, then its a problem.

      I am not here to judge or say what a Black woman could or should claim as her ethnicity – do what makes you feel best. I can claim all kinds of admixtures myself, but I chose to simply call myself BLACK because at the end of the day that is ultimately what makes up the MAJORITY of what I am and how I have identified myself since birth. My grandfather is a man who would never be identified as Black simply based upon looking at him, but he has chosen to simply call himself a Black man. There are some African looking women who still choose to call themselves mixed and identify with the smaller percentages of what ever other races they have, and to them I say – do what floats your boat.

      Bu simply changing yourself to be acceptable and/or more attractive to others based on *WHAT* you are IMO is setting yourself up for failure and says to me that any person who does this in general really should do some serious soul searching on why they are so desperate to gain *something* n which they were nto good enough as themselves to get it.

      Reply

    • Neecy
      Oct 17, 2012 @ 14:15:20

      I also agree that women should *NOT* be seeking to reach out to men first. I know that is a controversial view and people have mixed feelings about this, but I agree that a woman should allow the men to come to her when it comes to online dating and mating in general. I did online dating for a brief period and I was also shocked to hear of the issues BW have online but maybe b/c I waited for the men to come to me. I wouldn’t even consider reaching out to a man first and rarely did I ever peruse the profiles of random men.

      But also what may be happening too is not that BW are out seeking these men, but sometimes matches from the dating sites pop up on your profile. So if these matches automatically pop up, then yes some women may simply view the mens profiles (and then see they have purposely de-checked the Black box). SO sometimes these women may be finding this out simply b/c the dating site put these mens profiles up b/c of the other things in common they may have had.

      Personally, I don’t find online dating all that great for me personally. I would just use it as simply another method of meeting men. I tend to meet guys face to face so.

      I do know despite the overall issues facing BW on dating sites, there are many who do find their S/O’s so its does and can work if a BW is willing to stick it out. I just don’t think BW should be working overtime simply to gain the attentions of menw ho weren’t even seeking them out for reasons such as race.

      Reply

  41. steffmckee
    Oct 15, 2012 @ 22:19:27

    Neecy, great blog! I have a different perspective having lived and dated in Latin America and Africa for the past 10 years. The problem for me (and I believe many white American men) is primarily cultural. I have dated mixed or black Dominicans, Brazilians, and Colombians. They were all very feminine and proud of it. Unfortunately, many (not all) African American women have a “rough edge” that is extremely off-putting. We also assume that African American women aren’t interested in us, whereas African or Latin black women are. Perhaps there’s too much historical and cultural baggage. I’ve been on certain dating sites and do select black women in searches. But I also find myself selecting those from Latin America or even Jamaica and the Windies.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Oct 17, 2012 @ 14:24:03

      HEY STEFF!! I’m glad you stopped in and contributed!

      I have to say that sometimes I often wonder what came first – its like the chicken and egg theory. I wonder if WHite men feel BW aren’t really interested and thus possibly avoid showing interest or if BW are not showing interest b/c they feel White men are not interested in dating us. LOL

      I guess the best way to solve it is we must overcome these ideas in our heads and simply just go for it if we feel an opportunity arises to do so. Not all BW are the same and not all WM are the same. I think White men and Black women spend too much time analyzing and thinking about how we see each other and/or whether or not we are interested in one anther instead of just taking a risk or chance sometimes. That is what happened with Black men and WHite women that i have to admire them for. They don’t think much about it and if they are attracted to one another on an individual basis, they simply go for it!

      I do understand though that BW (American) have some tough stereotypes to overcome that make it very hard for us int he dating arena. This is something that cannot be ignored. However, as I said, despite how we are “known” to be overall, we are still individuals who should be given an opportunity to be just that and not simply judged based on the group we come from. By I get it. I honestly understand why most men would avoid the *average* American BW based on how we have presented ourselves to the world. But there are still plenty of us that are sane, normal, feminine and emotionally stable. I think this is where any interested or willing Non BM who is willing to give it a try with BW has to be able to decipher the crazies from the sane. That can simply be done by starting a conversation with a pleasant looking or dressing Black woman. You’d be surprised!!!

      Reply

      • James Farr
        Dec 02, 2012 @ 08:27:43

        The approach of men & women to one another are fundamentally different.
        Men are compelled by their sex drive only.
        Women must assess men as to their suitability as husbands, providers & fathers because women have the babies & the responsibilities that go with that.
        Consequently, men do noty assess the pool of available women for their long termism.
        Women calculate carefully & if women see that with interracial marriage being universally accepted & desired then white women & black women both gain, then, women will push interracial marriage for all they are worth. For white women their pool of men increases by 10% BUT black women are the big winners in this game because the pool of available men for black women would increase by no less than 1,000%.

        Reply

        • Neecy
          Dec 17, 2012 @ 16:14:48

          Hi James!

          I agree. but it seems that Black women as a whole haven’t figured out this SIMPLE fact. Actually the numbers work best in our favor b/c there are less of us and more men of other races. So even if 10% or less of Non Black men are willing to date Black women, that is still quite a bit of a pool for Black women to pick from.

          Reply

        • Ray
          Jan 09, 2013 @ 14:15:57

          I disagree! All men are not at the mercy of their sex drive! There are a few of us romantics around that can appreciate a womans beauty, the fragrance of her perfume, a beautiful smile, glistening eyes and the softness of her touch! If I acted like a sexually agressive fool over every woman I was attracted too, I would probably be writing this post from a prison cell somewhere! To quote Don Henley “Women are the only true work of art!”
          When were young we don’t think about longterm committments but as we get older, I think men are just as anxious as women to find the right one to settle down with! We do have it easier, in that men don’t have that biological clock to worry about! So we don’t have that pressure to procreate! Then there’s the pressure by family members, that women are under to get married and have babies! Men can play the happy bachelor for a long time without that familial push to settle down!

          I agree, though about IR giving BW more advantages to find their soulmate despite his color or race! Instead of all the opposition to black woman dating non-black men, black men should be happy that their mothers, sisters, cousins and daughters have more options to settle down with somebody that loves them and respects them!

          Reply

          • Neecy
            Jan 10, 2013 @ 19:11:58

            HA! Black men have NEVER cared about anyone or anything but THEMSELVES!! In fact I believe Black men have a very deep seated hatred for Black women b/c we remind them of their “place” in this world as Black men. So actually, when a man or men hate women of their race, they would never want to see them happy or successful with other races of men. Black men love keeping Black women single, baby momma and miserable. They even work hard to help society in presenting BW as unnattractive, masculine, hyeanas. The last thing Black men would ever want is to see Black women as a whole find love and happiness with WHite men.

            Granted there is a very mall number of Black men who really do love BW and want to see BW succeed in life and love even if its not with another Black man.

            Reply

  42. sw
    Dec 08, 2012 @ 08:44:22

    Wow! Lots of comments here. I just want to add my experience to the mix. Im a black woman, with brown skin. I put up profile on Match.com. I had heard that black women don’t get much response from match….but my experience has not been that. I have received about 600+ views in two weeks, and a decent amount of e mail per day (maybe 5-10). Over half are from white males.

    I did NOT have to say that I was mixed…and somehow even got messages from people that did not have black checked.

    What did I do …well in the ethnicity category explanation (about myself) I put that I am open to dating people of all ethnicities though I have listed myself as African American…and I checked all ethnicities in the box that ask what you are looking for.

    Just my personal experience….

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Dec 17, 2012 @ 16:17:38

      SW,

      Yes i have read from other Black women who do interracial dating online, that once they checked all of the ethnicities box for the kinds of men they are interested in that it opened the door for those men to feel comfortable in approaching them online. This is a very good stratedgy for Black women to use because many Non Black men may not know a Black woman is interested until they she she is open to it.

      Reply

  43. Jer Littrell
    Dec 11, 2012 @ 16:50:47

    I’m a male INDIVIDUAL with Caucasian skin. I stress the word “individual” because I only see myself as an individual and not a spokesperson for anyone else. I also don’t see myself as a member of a “racial group”. The root off all the confusion and issues with “interracial dating” stems from people seeing themselves as a member of a “racial community” with some sort of group consciousness. Personally, I could never relate to that. I never saw myself as a “white man” or member of a “white community” anymore than I would see myself as a member of the “brown eyed community”, “brown hair community”, or “Size 14 Shoe Community”; skin color is just a physical characteristic that explains NOTHING about the person’s beliefs, values, convictions, character, attitude, ideas, etc. When people base their social identity around a physical characteristic like skin color, it’s just as absurd and irrational to me as basing their social and cultural identity around eye color, hair color, or even shoe size.

    Imagine waking up one morning, turning on the TV, and watching “Brown Eyed Entertainment Television”. Imagine listening to some stand up comedian with brown eyes talking to an audience of brown eyed people of different skin colors saying “We as brown eyed people need to ban together”… “You brown eyed ‘brothers’ need to stop dating those blue eyed women and appreciate the true beauty of your brown eyed ‘sisters’. “

    That would feel kinda weird right? That’s EXACTLY how I’ve felt about skin color since I was a kid. And I’ve had a very confusing childhood because of it.

    My inability to not be caught up inside “The Matrix” of racial identity, or any type of group identity, is probably because I was diagnosed with autism as a child. I was an extremely introverted individual who was considered a “gifted child” in school. My cognitive test scores were much higher than my peers; I was even sent to John Hopkins University for further testing. But I’ve also had a lonely childhood because of it. None of peers could relate to me.. I was perceived as highly unique and different in my personality, intelligence, and manner of speaking.

    I think the movie “The Matrix” is the best analogy I can use to describe my point of view. Most people seem to have taken the “blue pill” throughout their childhood and adult lives and were lead to believe that their skin color has a social and cultural “meaning”; that is “reality”. As an autistic kid who lived in solitude and extreme introversion in his early years, I feel like I somehow swallowed the “red pill” inside my mother’s womb. The reality that existed in the “red pill” where skin color was nothing but a meaningless physical characteristic like hair color, eye color, or shoe size, was the TRUE REALITY.. Then while I was growing up I saw people who have swallowed the “blue pill” and were living in false reality that was artificially constructed by some malicious being that led people to believe that their skin color has social and cultural

    Because of all that, I never developed a “group mentality”. I never felt connected with “white people” because I wasn’t really close to anyone. I grew up reading books, because they were the only ‘friends’ I had. My mother knew this was unhealthy and forced me to go to the local park and play with other kids. The first kids I played with were on the basketball court, and many of them had a black skin.. I had an interesting and confusing childhood as an autistic introverted kid interacting with kids with different skin colors. I’ll maybe elaborate and talk more about that some other time..

    With all that being said…. I’m answering your questions as solitary discrete INDIVIDUAL who has white skin. My thoughts and feelings BEGIN and END with ME and ME ALONE. I’m a “member” of no community. I’m a member of ME, MYSELF, and I. Always have been.. :-)

    I come to your blog to express my thoughts and feelings based on my understanding and experiences from dating three “black women”. I’m currently dating the third one now. So far, she is an amazing woman to me in so many ways..

    1) “Is it as simple as these men may not have known that they “wanted or were interested” in a BW until they actually saw her by chance?  OR do men clearly know what they want and if they make a conscious choice to uncheck a particular racial category they are not interested in, b/c that is truly not what they are looking for?”

    I LOVE WOMEN in GENERAL… PERIOD! I check ALL the categories of skin color, because they are all uniquely beautiful to me. However, many of the women with black skin who come up on my search results appear angry or upset in their photos, so they appear unattractive to me because of that. This is also true of the MANY women with Caucasian skin or other “types” of skin who appear angry or upset. I’ve learned from past experience with women that a man can’t make them happy. People have to love themselves before falling in love with someone else. A soul mate can only ENHANCE the quality of your life, they can’t define or create quality in one’s life. Many of these women who appear depressed, or suffer from low self-esteem, seem to believe that their psychological condition would be greatly improved if they had a man in their life.

    I often wonder if my choice to not approach women who appear angry or insecure believe that I’m not approaching them because they have black skin. I wonder if their general low self-esteem extends to feelings of inferiority about their skin color and they explain their problems in relation to their skin color…

    If that is true, then from my standpoint, they are creating a self fulfilling prophecy about the “inferiority” of their skin color. I am “rejecting” them based on a general vibe of their unhappiness, and they assume that they are being rejected because of their skin color.

    If a woman’s dating profile isn’t completely filled out, or it appears like they are extremely uneducated, then there’s a good chance I’ll reject them. This happens with women of all skin colors, including many with black skin. My choice to reject them on those grounds is nothing personal. I’m actually helping them with not wasting their time with me. I’m an intellectually intense person, and if their profile appears to be written by an uneducated person, then there’s a big chance that we will not be able to communicate and relate in any meaningful way.

    2) Am I making a bigger deal of this than I need to be? Am I reading too deeply into this? Is it really no big deal for a Black women to do whatever necessary to increase her chances of being in front of more men’s eyeballs online by checking racial categories that would garner more results?

    If you, or anyone else, feels that their skin color is a social identity, then you are inevitably “reading too deeply” into the situation. Many, if not most, people base their social identity in relation to their skin color at varying degrees. Therefore, being confused about “racial issues” is inevitable. (in my view)

    If you are checking racial categories to garner more results, then that might not be any more dishonest than someone with brown hair checking “white hair” because they are getting old and have a few strands of white hair. Of course, their hair color says very little about them as a person (as I discussed in the beginning)… Some people dye their hair and may be confused if it’s “red” or “orange”.. I guess splitting hairs with one’s skin color is no more dishonest (no pun intended)..

    3) Should Black women stay Black and proud or mix themselves up for a few dates and profile clicks?

    People should always try to be proud of their physical appearance… I’m not sure if I’m understanding your question… I’m very “proud” of my brown eyes… But I like to “mix it up” and date women with blue eyes, green eyes, hazel eyes, etc.

    4) What are the odds that a man who was not consciously seeking out a Black woman or woman of a particular race, changing his views and extending himself based on a particular woman’s pic and profile popping up on his search even though he had not searched directly for that particular type of woman?

    It’s probably not likely, but it’s also not impossible…

    5)      Are men *REALLY*  confused about  what they want or is it painfully true that men DO in fact know what they want and sometimes for whatever reasons it’s NOT a particular type of woman – be it her race or other factors, and no matter the amount of tricking “computer algorithms” to increase your odds of being in more searches (yes someone actually said that is what this all boils down to and not lying about your racial make-up) is going to change that?

    I think people generally don’t know what they want, despite how much they believe they know what they want. The more particular and specific they make their criteria, the more they limit their possibilities to find a soul mate.

    6)      Would you see it as a desperate attempt of a BW who CLEARLY looks Black but is claiming all of these racial admixtures to seem more exotic and acceptable to you or men who are more comfy with a watered down Black woman vs. a simply regular black girl even if she looked like a Black woman?

    I would reiterate my point made in your third question. All people have insecurities; some more than others. Some women are insecure about their hips, thighs, breasts, hair, face, etc. Some people are insecure about their skin color. Of course, men can be insecure about things as well; like penis size.

    As a boyfriend who’s dated many women prior, I’ve learned to be able to deal with some insecurities. But I deeply hope I can reassure her that I love her as she is. But she needs to learn to overcome her insecurities fast with me, or the relationship is likely to end if the problem becomes extreme.

    I wouldn’t care if a woman with black skin claimed other skin color features. If she’s got photos, then I can see what she is. I wouldn’t see her as desperate, but I would see her as insecure about her skin color, and I would have to address that when talking to her.

    It’s not much different than women who only take pics of themselves that show only their face or upper chest. I don’t necessarily have a problem with big women, but if she’s insecure about the fact that she’s a big woman, then THAT’S the problem.

    Hiding things about oneself or trying to obscure the truth doesn’t show desperateness to me; it shows insecurity. I’m likely to either reject them for being insecure or sometimes give them a “lifeline” and at least talk to them about their insecurity before making a decision to get to know them intimately.
    When dating women with black skin, I was surprised to see how happy they were when I thought they were beautiful with their natural hair. I loved her in her weave and her natural hair. Each of the three women I dated with black skin were surprised by that. Apparently, they have had a lot of frustrations with hair in their lives and had to endure a lot of verbal abuse about their hair from other people. They felt socially peer pressured into wearing a weave when they were unhappy with it because of all the maintenance and upkeep it requires. All of them seem like the weight was lifted off their back when they discovered that I truly loved their natural hair. That was a unique experience for me. Being a man from a family of people with white skin and hair different than people with black skin, I never knew about the frustrations women with black skin have with their hair. I’ve also never seen a woman become so happy when I told her that I loved her natural hair. This is one experience I’ve had that’s unique to dating black women.

    7) What are your thoughts on the success rate Black women would have by doing this (checking all of the racial categories on her profile to come up on more Non lack men’s searches who would not have otherwise seen her b/c they did not have the “Black” box checked for preferences)?

    I’m seriously looking for thoughts and real answers on how White male view this since the women kept saying that I cannot speak for White men and why they did or didn’t make certain choices. So I am asking the HORSE to give it to me from the horse’s MOUTH on what is really going on.

    There’s a good chance I might not even take too much notice to a woman doing that. But if I did, it wouldn’t ruin her success rate with me; but there’s a chance I might ask her why she did that. If it was you, and I asked, and you explained your reasoning like you just did on your blog, then I would simply respond with everything I said in my response. If there’s a mutual empathetic understanding of how each of use feel, then we’re cool and can move on to other topics :-)

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Dec 17, 2012 @ 16:40:51

      Hi Jer!

      Thank you for such a thought provoking post!

      In terms of racial solidarity, I have to say you are truly unique in your thinking. Society is based on racial social constructs that kinda force people to identify based on shared racial interests and experiences.

      While I believe “race” is more of a social construct than biological, unfortunately until society changes the way we view and accept this, people will always group themselves and always be grouped based on factor like race, skin color, ethnicity, culture etc. And until the most powerful and influential persons in society make these changes, it will never happen.

      If more people had your experience as children growing up I am convinced that more people would be less likely to identify themselves by a group and more as an individual. But what i find is the more powerful a group is, the less likely they have an interest in breaking that mold and fending and solely identifying as individuals because of the benefits that come with being apart of a more powerful group based on race/culture.

      I agree with your premise though and would hope that one day people come to this realization that we should all be seen and treated as individuals and that we are all human beings that as a whole share common interests as humans and not based on what and who we are – but that would be in a perfect world. At the end of the day we all go to the grave alone and not based on any other factors other than our individual life.

      Also, despite your willingness to see yourself as an individual you would still have experiences in this world based on your skin color and race even if you didn’t seek to do so. Simply b/c the majority of people in society identify based on race and skin color similarities, you automatically participate simply by just being.

      As a White male there are simply things available to you or experience you will have simply by being a WHite male, as the same applies to any other race and gender. As a Black woman there are unique things that I and other Black women will share and experience simply by virtue of being a Black woman – even f we don’t seek to experience it or live it.

      So while I don’t think its always a bad thing for people to automatically come together based on a shared racial background/culture/skin color I think it should be kept in perspective. Especially groups who are often unprotected and vulnerable – it is important for them to come together and work collectively for their own best interests as a group to achieve things while also working on an individual level to live the best life they can. Because most cases the more powerful and protected groups make it inevitable for others to identify as groups as well.

      As a Black woman while I have my own personal individual unique experiences, I also have experiences shared by the greater of Black women simply b/c its out of my control on how others see, identify and treat me based on my skin color, race and gender.

      The greatest impact of change always comes from the most powerful. As a White male, if more White males felt, thought and acted on your reasoning, it *WOULD* create a great change in society simply b/c of the power and influence you have a a group worldwide. If Black women practiced this, not sure much can be gained for society or Black women b/c we simply do not have the full power and influence to make others or influence this change on a grander scale.

      Reply

    • Neecy
      Dec 17, 2012 @ 16:53:14

      Jer,


      I LOVE WOMEN in GENERAL… PERIOD! I check ALL the categories of skin color, because they are all uniquely beautiful to me. However, many of the women with black skin who come up on my search results appear angry or upset in their photos, so they appear unattractive to me because of that. This is also true of the MANY women with Caucasian skin or other “types” of skin who appear angry or upset. I’ve learned from past experience with women that a man can’t make them happy. People have to love themselves before falling in love with someone else. A soul mate can only ENHANCE the quality of your life, they can’t define or create quality in one’s life. Many of these women who appear depressed, or suffer from low self-esteem, seem to believe that their psychological condition would be greatly improved if they had a man in their life.

      I wanted to address a portion of your post regarding how Black women appear on their profiles.

      I do agree that a lot of Black women should reflect on the image they are presenting as an individual and as a group – even in online dating sites.

      When it comes to online dating it is very important to present yourself in the most flattering way possible b/c this is a place where you are trying to find partnerships. Of course the more flattering your appear in your profile and pictures, the more likely you are to get responses or hits. Its a competitive environment in the dating world and really only those who really put in the work and effort to look and be their best are going to make out the best.

      Often times when I do hear Black women saying how hard it is for them in online dating arenas, I ask myself how much of it is really b/c she is *Black* vs. how much of it is based on her profile and possible unflattering pictures. This remains the million dollar question since I cannot see or judge the profiles of Black women saying this.

      Then we hear and see from Black women who are having much success and wonder if its less likely b/c she is Black but more likely b/c she has a very appealing profile and pics.

      I tend to think that Black women as a whole haven’t yet fully grasped that when interacting in Non Black environments, its OKAY to look and be pleasant and feminine looking and acting. because in Black environments Black women are EXPECTED to be a bit less feminine and more hardened.

      Also i have to say you are spot on. Too many people in general are miserable and unhappy or filled with low confidence and low self esteem and they seek to get that completion from others in a relationship. This is IMO the number one reason relationships today are so shallow and fickle. because people are looking for *OTHERS* to compete them as opposed to being complete before entering into a relationship. The results are disasterous as always and then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy as opposed to the person understanding that when you are whole you will most likely have much greater success in your relationships.

      Reply

  44. White guy
    Dec 18, 2012 @ 04:47:30

    I find myself checking the mixed box so that black girls dont slip through the net

    Reply

  45. Chance
    Dec 29, 2012 @ 16:51:40

    I do not discriminate based upon a woman’s skin color. White, Black, Hispanic and Asian I have dated them all. It’s a cultural diversification and where/when they were raised to me. Although here lately, I find myself more attracted to non-white women than I have in the past. I think it’s how they present themselves and their personal attitudes.

    In regards to “online dating” and searching for black women, that’s kinda moot. Online Dating is overrated and sites like plentyoffish.com, you see nothing but either fake profiles or a women looking for a man who looks like Bradley Cooper and she’s nothing more than your typical 9-5 B.S. Artist with kids and previous marriages optional.

    When someone makes it a “black” thing or a “white” thing, it totally turns me off of the conversation because I immediately view that person’s opinion as racist and derogatory.

    Reply

  46. Ray
    Jan 04, 2013 @ 13:37:20

    Neecy baby, I can see from your picture, you are really cute! I’m a white guy and I find many black women very attractive! I find it amazing that the prejudice of some white men can blind them from appreciating the beauty of some black women! Beyonce, Halle Berry, Kerry Washington, Tyra Banks, Sanaa Lathan, Golden Brook and so many more, There is a plethora of Beautiful black women to lust over! This is not a blind white guy phenomena either, when you see a majority of black men that for some reason pursue white women and neglect the diamonds in front of their own blind eyes! The beauty of black women can hold their own against any other race of women! The ones I’ve dated have been sweeter, more loyal and more passionate than any white girl I’ve dated in the past! Honestly ladies, I date all ethnicities of women but I can’t see myself pursuing anybody other than a black woman for marriage!

    Ladies, men have easily bruised egos. Nobody likes being rejected! Some guys are not going to approach you simply out of racism! In a way that’s good, it’s better to get the as*holes out of the way! As far as the rest of us (the enlightened ones), I’ve played wing man to a lot of dudes just dieing to get together with a gorgeous black girl but lacked the courage before downing a few alcoholic beverages! When white guys approach a white girl they have a fear of being rejected for their looks, but with a black lady they feel there is just as much chance that you won’t go out with us because we are a different ethnicity! Most guys are going to take the safe route and stick with better odds! If you like us, at least start up some small talk (or hell, just give us some eye contact a wink and and a smile) so we can tell you don’t detest the white guy in the room that had the nerve to approach you! Racism knows no color or gender! I’m a cocky guy so I take a shot anyway! No guts no glory!

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Jan 07, 2013 @ 08:21:21

      Hey Ray!!

      Thanks for your valuable input. It just seems there are not many White males like yourself in America wiling to say this. I think this is why its been so difficult for BW to accept that they are desirable to some WHite men. So the result is, many BW do not or may not show any initial interest out of fear that a particular WHite guy may not be into dating BW or seeing their beauty.

      Its like the chicken egg thing. White men won’t approach BW if they think they will get rejected most of the time or if they are unsure whether or not that particular BW is interested i dating out of her ethnicity. And BW are not showing interest in WM (even though they may have interest) b/c they are unsure of that WHite guy only prefers WHite or Non Black women and may not be interested in dating Black women.

      BW and WM in AMerica who wish to date each other HAVE to be a bit more aggressive in finding each other b/c of this.

      It seems you have managed well in finding the kinds of BW you like and who are open to dating you. I’d be interested in hearing how you go about it and the story behind how you meet many of the BW you date.

      Of course I am assuming you are American? It seems there is a much more difficult time for WM and BW in America to openly find each other cmapred to Europe.

      Reply

      • Ray
        Jan 07, 2013 @ 18:20:24

        Yes, I’m American. I think the difference between the way American and European men approach IR dating lies in our american history! Europeans don’t have the baggage of slavery, segregation and Jim Crow laws to get past! Even though few people alive today were involved in those disgraceful times it places a stigma that sometimes over shadows how black and white people interact! I feel we shouldn’t be held responsible for the sins of our forefathers anyway! My ancestors emigrated to New England, never owned a slave and some died fighting for the north to end slavery! When I approach a black girl I don’t treat her any differently than any other woman!
        I never know what response I’m going to get, but if you don’t try, you’ll never know! My dream girl could be right around the corner! Growing up, attending integrated schools, and later on working alongside many in my job, I just got a chance to acquaint myself with some very sweet lovely girls who also happened to be black!

        Trepidation keeps a lot of WM and BW from pursuing IR relationships! Your absolutely right about having to be more aggressive in finding somebody with a similar mindset to venture beyond the socially acceptable safety zone! Ladies if you interested in a guy, try to be approachable! If a guy can muster up the courage to walk over and introduce himself be gracious and smile! If you put out an acceptable response we are more than likely to see you as a possible relationship prospect worth pursuing! Guys, if you find a black woman attractive and interesting have the courage to approach her! You’ll never know what you’re missing!

        Reply

        • omerta327
          Jan 08, 2013 @ 10:10:48

          Damn, Ray! That’s a lot of exclamation points! Wow! I can’t believe it!

          Seriously, though, I agree with ya. A beautiful girl is a beautiful girl, regardless of race.

          Reply

        • Neecy
          Jan 10, 2013 @ 19:05:13

          You are truly a gem Ray. A lot of White men just seem a little scared to expand their horizons to Black women (of course I am speaking of White men who find BW attractive and interesting). I think you have taken a simple laid back YET un fearful approach ad that is why you have had success in finding various Black women to date.

          You are right. American history and even present day is why its so difficult for BW and WM to hook up – lots of racial baggage.

          I do find to that the media and society does work hard at keeping Black women and White men apart by constantly showing the most negative un-feminine images of Black women in the media. Most WM who do not interact with decent feminine and attractive BW will assume that BW are the crass fat and obnoxious trollops we see on television, movies and ads etc.

          Reply

  47. Steve
    Jan 05, 2013 @ 14:22:03

    Personally and it has always been the case that when I walk into a room full of people or see a group of people the black or mixed race girl or group of same catch my eye first as I happen to find black or mixed race girls the most beautiful and attractive I have ever seen, I find you really sexy, attractive and challenging. White, oriental, Asian or others just don’t have the same effect I’m afraid. I’m white and British. Call me a racist at your peril!! at the end of the day you are what you are and you like what you like.. Black and mixed raced girls are the sexiest girls ever put on this planet !!!

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Jan 07, 2013 @ 08:28:38

      HEY STEVE!! Thanks for your awesome words and post!

      You know what bugs me? When people accuse WM of having fetishes just because they prefer a Black woman. But when Black men or other ethnic men have a preference for NOn Black or White women, its called just that – a PREFERENCE.

      Its like people try to make White men feel crazy or weird for having a preference for anything other than WHite. As if other races of women are not simply WOMEN but objects to be fetished.

      I find that European White males like yourself have ZERO problems OPENLY admitting their attraction, our beauty and/or PREFERENCES for dating Black women. In America this rarely happens b/c people don’t typically believe BW should or can compete with WW in the looks, beauty or dating arena. America is still very outdated and racist in their acceptance of Black women as EQUAL WOMEN to all others. To be fair, a lot of BW haven’t made it much easier for themselves, but nonetheless we are not all the same.

      So its nice to see the WM who are not held back by societal pressures or such to openly (keyword OPENLY) and honestly admit their romantic interest in Black women. :)

      Reply

  48. Ray
    Jan 09, 2013 @ 10:16:50

    First of all I check all the boxes (except eskimo, I don’t mind the cold, but I just can’t see myself living in an igloo, I mean where do I plug in my HDTV?) LOL! Just kidding, I wouldn’t want to be considered insensitive to any of the eskimo ladies here! I like mixed race girls too. I’ve seen plenty of beautiful ones, but I have a problem with the ones that try to claim one side while ignoring the other! I think Paula Patton is a beauty but I’ve seen her on talk shows trying to come up with excuses why her mixed race baby isn’t dark enough! She’s married to Robin Thicke for those that don’t know! Talk about giving a child a complex! I would not date a mixed race woman long if she refused to acknowledge both sides of her mixed heritage! If she teaches her son to do the same, he’s going to grow up with the same screwed up mentality! Two people fell in love and created you, unless one has done something extremely heinous or neglected you, they both deserve your respect and acceptance! There seems to be a lot of self hatred there! If you can’t accept your white heritage, what does that say about me if we marry?

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Jan 10, 2013 @ 19:07:15

      Black and mixed women who do this are just fronting so Black people don;t say anything to them. I can’t stand Black women and mixed women who pull what Paula pulls. Because they are only doing it to satiate Black people from calling them “sell out” etc. If her ass was so bothered by having a child with white skin, then she should have married a damn Black man. people like her IRK me.

      Reply

  49. Aristotle
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 01:09:42

    I just happened to cross paths with this post, and seeing as I have quite a bit of experience with the topic I thought I might give my two cents, and the ball of blue lint from my left pocket. It isn’t much, but it’s something.

    Anyhow, I’ll start with giving my own personal answers to the questions you asked, and sort of go from there.

    Let’s see…

    1.) Well, I can’t speak for everyone, but taking what I can from personal experience I will say that men, white men, who do not ‘check’ the box are likely not intimately interested in black women. The reasons why can be myriad, but for myself, it was because I had never given it a chance. I had no experience with black women, and it wasn’t until my mid twenties, when I met a fantastic black woman from Africa, educated in England, that all of that changed. Granted a white man may not be attracted to her because she is black, but if that judgement is made purely from lack of understanding or experience, then it’s a judgement one should not take too much to heart. It is the same as asking someone why they do no like classical music, and though they’ve never heard a single piece of classical music in their life, they reply with, “Because I just don’t like it, that’s why.”
    Not exactly an informing answer, is it. The key is having an open mind.

    2.) I don’t know if I would say that you’re making a big deal out it, seeing as it bothers you greatly, but I will say that you needn’t let it be so. If a black woman wishes to make ‘additions’ to her ancestry, false as they may be, so be it. Being someone who could care less about skin color, I look at fibbing about one’s pigmentation to up there with lying about one’s eye color, or favorite book. Was it a fib? Yes. Did my head explode or the world stop spinning because of it, not at all, don’t be silly. And that’s the importance of it. Men, and women, need to stop being so obstreperous when debating skin tone, and just appreciate the person standing before them. Mind you I do appreciate having a lovely dark skinned black woman beside me. I know that some white men who do like black women, prefer she have a lighter tone. As for me, the darker, the better. Don’t ask me why, it’s ingrained somewhere and I’ll be darned if I can find it.

    3.) I think a woman should do whatever she deems fitting to make her feel comfortable. If pretending to mixed gives her a bit of confidence, so be it. Why snatch away someone’s safety blanket? In time, when/if she’s met enough men of other colors, she might see how silly it was to lie in the first place. Courage and confidence come after experience, never before. Moreover, a woman should be proud because of who she is, and what she’s accomplished. She can be yellow with zebra strips and big unbecoming orange dot on her forehead, and still proud. Mind you, though, she might have a terrible time finding matching clothes. So as far as the ‘black and proud’ bit, it does more harm than good. It gets stuck on the whole silly color thing again. Why not put up something more fitting, like ‘educated and proud’ ‘athletic and proud’ ‘fluent in seven languages and proud’ ‘sex maniac and proud.’
    Something like that.

    4.) Well, the odds are always 50/50, it’s the degree of probability that makes the final call. Speaking entirely for myself, the woman I met online was someone I knew only from photo exchanges and a few video chats. But mind you, the first night we were together, after four months of chatting extensively online, it was like a moment of madness. Sheets, clothes, it all went flying everywhere. Well, maybe not that intense, no bed springs were shattered, but it was the first time I found myself on a 10pm to 3am marathon, I can tell you that. But it wasn’t because she was black, it was because of who she was, her personality, her charm, her disarming wit. It wasn’t so much that I got over a woman being black, it was that I learned how to appreciate someone for who they are.
    So if a man is nit-picking through pictures, then he hasn’t learned that rule yet. Whether he ever does, who knows; except for him.

    5.) I have no idea what other men want, but after snapping out of my silly little bubble so many years ago, I know what I want, and luckily for me, coloration isn’t anywhere on the list. As for computer algorithms, we’re human beings, not inverted fractions. I say drop your denominator, wiggly your numerator, and see if you can’t get a whole number.

    6.) I wouldn’t say it’s a sign of a desperate black woman, but a sign of a desperate woman, period. The bottom line isn’t about color, but confidence, and it’s not about being a confident ‘black’ woman, but just being confident. Nothing more.

    7.) To be honest, I don’t have a lot of thoughts about it. If I was asked, I would say that I’ve dated just as many black women as I have women of other colors. But I don’t dwell on color, not anymore. I grew up. I got my head out of my backside, stood bolt upright, and accepted a person for who they are. If a woman wishes to fib about her ethnicity, so be it. It is her decision, but I only hope one day she’ll realize the needlessness of it.

    I suppose that covers the questions asked. I’m sorry I couldn’t be of better help to you. Had I answered these questions seven years ago I would have likely replied with bland and inexcusable reasons; or what I would have seen to be agreeable reasons, that is. But nowadays I can’t. I can’t even make the faintest supposition because I can’t bring myself to think on that level anymore. I could try, but then my brain would start to question why I was bothering to rattle it with such a silly notion.

    Oh yes, I forgot to mention. I am white, non-mixed. Unless you consider being a mixture of English, French, Irish, Scottish, German, and Bohemian not the right kind of mix.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Jan 13, 2013 @ 21:53:09

      Hi Aristole,

      Thanks for your response! The bottom line is, I believe that BW need to stop being so concerned with her race and skin color in the dating market and just find good quality men who will also not judge her for that. Which IMO means be yourself and allow others who appreciate you, for you to come to you.

      Reply

  50. john
    Jan 11, 2013 @ 11:35:46

    Love black women all tones, from first GF onward. You like what you like.

    Reply

  51. Ray
    Jan 12, 2013 @ 09:13:21

    Okay, I’m going to ruffle some feathers I know but….. Ladies please do not feel that if a white guy doesn’t show interest in you that means he automaticly hates or doesn’t date black women! Your skin color does not define you! We are all individuals with different tastes! On the whole, most white guys like a slender to average size woman, but that doesn’t mean ALL white guys prefer this. I have crushes on Kerry Washington and Beyonce’, but there are times, I could seriously tear up some Neecy Nash, too! That girl just reeks of sexy! Look at the BW/WM IR relationships in Hollywood, the black woman dating or married to white men fit this mold! Don’t get me wrong, we love those luscious curves that comprise a black womens breasts, hips and butts, but if your serious about wanting a white guy, take some stock in your appearance! Lose weight (if you need to) and play up your feminity! What I have always loved about the black women I’ve been involved with has been their embracing their inner girly-girl! Wearing make-up and jewelry and dresses and high heels emphasizes that! Some guys will say they prefer that fresh scrubbed, no make-up look, but they’re full of crap, they’re lying to themselves and you! If that look was appealing, the cosmetics industry and womens magazines would shut down tomorrow! Be honest, would you pay money to see Beyonce perform in a sweatsuit and tennis shoes? I wouldn’t! The girl knows how much her looks contribute to her success and she plays them up for all they’re worth!

    I don’t have a problem with natural hair, a big full “Get Christy Love” afro can be quite sexy, and *TWA’s are cute too , but if you’re going to keep it short play up the rest of your face with earrings and make-up so you still give off a girly appearance! To be honest, when guys see short hair, no make-up, jeans and “sensible shoes” we usually take it you’re playing for the other team! *teeny weeny afro!

    Unless he has low self esteem, every guy that’s lucky enough to have a beautiful woman wants to show her off, that includes we white guys that have a preference for black girls too! That doesn’t mean that everytime we see you, you have to be dressed to the nines, but keeping up with your feminity just reminds us of why we fell in love with you in the first place! I don’t expect you to wear heels at an amusement park but wearing a girly blouse and lipstick shouldn’t be too much to ask! I used to feel annoyed when my ex would dress up really nice for work or church, but when we went out, her go to outfit was a sweat shirt, jeans and flats! It always made me feel like I ranked third on her list of priorities!

    Ladies, I realize that after being on your feet in those pumps all day at work, you’d probably like to kick them off at the end of the workday. So, how about on casual fridays and the weekends give us the treat that your jackass boss gets to see all week and the Lord gets to see Sunday morning?

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Jan 13, 2013 @ 21:58:58

      HA Ray!! I aree that more BW need to play up their femininity. Especially since we are at a war with how the media portrays us as unfeminine and asexual.

      This is what I do.

      And I also think men who claim to prefer their women “all natural with no make up” in jeans in a tee shirt are lying just to sound good and appeal to a feminist culture. Granted you can always look good and feminine in jeans. I believe that a little make up goes a long way and looking like you took time to put yourself together is always going to get you favorable responses from all people (including those of the opposite sex – not in a sexual manner).

      People respond favorably to those who look put together. When you look gummy and such you get treated that way for the most part.

      Reply

      • Ray
        Jan 14, 2013 @ 15:36:52

        Jeans can be fine in certain situations! Paired with a silky blouse and high heels they can still be flattering. Being a self professed leg man, I’ve just always loved the way a woman looks in a short skirt or dress and high heels! There will be times when this type of outfit would be impractical, such as sporting events and amusement parks. I’m not inflexible, just throw me a bone once in a while! Black guys tend to be all about the booty, whereas white guys tend to be either breast men or leg men (although, a lot of white guys are into the booty too).
        By the way, I like my women to be leg hair and underarm hair free! I’ve noticed that a lot of black girls I’ve dated were hirsute! Is it true that most black women don’t shave their Legs? When I was stationed in Germany most of the white girls there didn’t shave their legs either so I think it’s more of a cultural thing than racial. Of the black women I’ve dated, one out of three were hair free! I hate to sound shallow but for a leg man like me it’s kind of a dealbreaker! I’m grateful the black girls I dated didn’t have a problem with shaving once they knew it bothered me!

        Reply

        • Neecy
          Jan 15, 2013 @ 19:10:18

          Ray
          :???:

          I am not sure what kinds of BW you have been dating, but neither I or any of my friends believe in having leg or underarm hair – IOW’s we shave regularly. But all of the Black women I know shave underarms and legs etc. But I do live on the West Coast. Maybe in certain areas some BW don’t shave? WHo knows. LOL Also most BW are not very hairy anyway b/c racially Blacks tend to be less hairy. So the liklihood is you will find more BW who naturally do not have a lot of leg hair. But underarms, pretty much MOST American women of any race shaves their legs and underarms.

          Reply

          • Ray
            Jan 15, 2013 @ 20:31:38

            That’s good to know! I’ve been living and dating in the south for a long time now but come to think of it, the girls I dated that were hair free were California natives! So maybe it’s a southern thing! All I know is when your not used to it it can be scary! I slept with a German girl when I was in the military and in the heat of passion didn’t notice the hair until I reached over in the middle of the night and felt a hairy leg! I thought some dude crawled under the covers! Almost gave me a heart attack! I had been intimate with one young lady who carried on with me for weeks till I found out she was married! After that I was skeptical of every woman’s marital status for a while! LOL!

            Reply

  52. Fred
    Jan 14, 2013 @ 08:21:31

    Recently divorced, white Irish (from Ireland) male. Growing up in the 70’s in Ireland seening a coloured outside of the TV/Movies was like seeing a unicorn wandering past. Living now in the USA and I am just getting back to dating. This time I am going anything but white and I just started dating this black woman. I don’t see any issue, it’s not like I am dating a different species of primate. We’re the same species with the difference being that I still get sunburn with SPF 100 on :-/ Other then that, she’s a beautiful woman and the colour of her skin is the colour she is. Shit I am more coloured then she is. White with brown spots (freckles), pink with a bit of sun, roaring red with too much sun, slightly blue tint after a dip in the Ocean and green when I get really sick :P
    Personally I don’t see an issue, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Jan 15, 2013 @ 19:00:39

      Hi Fred!

      LOL That’s that Irish blood!! Are irish the main groups of Whites who typically are the fairest and Whitest? It seems so.

      Anyway, Its great that you have looked at it from a perspective that a Black woman is JUST another woman with darker skin and maybe some slightly different features, but nonetheless we are still women and this is what many progressive BW who are open to dating interracially are trying to get across. We are women with all the same abilities and such as all other women and we want ot be treated and seen as such by Non Black males who can look past the racial aspect. ;) Thanks for your input!!

      Reply

  53. gregariouswolf
    Jan 15, 2013 @ 19:28:29

    Hi Neecy,

    Some people prefer to date inside their race, some people prefer to date outside their race. I am the latter. My ex-wife is Hispanic. I’ve had an Asian girlfriend. I’m talking to a African American woman right now I met off a mainstream online dating site.

    I know white girls that love black guys. I know Asian women who will only date white men. Is it some base attraction at work? Is there some cultural prejudice? I can’t say for sure. It is probably both.

    1) Is it as simple as these men may not have known that they “wanted or were interested” in a BW until they actually saw her by chance? OR do men clearly know what they want and if they make a conscious choice to uncheck a particular racial category they are not interested in, b/c that is truly not what they are looking for?

    It’s very simple. Men browse. It’s like Amazon.com: Click! Add to cart! We get tired of seeing the same faces and will tinker with search criteria. I am sure that there are some people that have firm racial criteria, but I think for a lot of men this is a softer decision.

    2) Am I making a bigger deal of this than I need to be? Am I reading too deeply into this? Is it really no big deal for a Black women to do whatever necessary to increase her chances of being in front of more men’s eyeballs online by checking racial categories that would garner more results?

    Maybe a little. Do whatever necessary to increase your hits. You are marketing yourself.

    3) Should Black women stay Black and proud or mix themselves up for a few dates and profile clicks?

    If it means that much to you, then be true to your self-identity.

    4) What are the odds that a man who was not consciously seeking out a Black woman or woman of a particular race, changing his views and extending himself based on a particular woman’s pic and profile popping up on his search even though he had not searched directly for that particular type of woman?

    Odds are very good. If he finds the face pretty, he’ll click on it.

    5) Are men *REALLY* confused about what they want or is it painfully true that men DO in fact know what they want and sometimes for whatever reasons it’s NOT a particular type of woman – be it her race or other factors, and no matter the amount of tricking “computer algorithms” to increase your odds of being in more searches (yes someone actually said that is what this all boils down to and not lying about your racial make-up) is going to change that?

    It isn’t about being confused about what we want. Men want women they find attractive. Some guys prefer one or more races over the others but I’m sure a lot of guys are like me. I flip the switch. Check out the Asians. Flip the switch again and look at Latinas. Check the next box and look at African American women.

    6) Would you see it as a desperate attempt of a BW who CLEARLY looks Black but is claiming all of these racial admixtures to seem more exotic and acceptable to you or men who are more comfy with a watered down Black woman vs. a simply regular black girl even if she looked like a Black woman?

    You are totally overthinking this. Guys are even going to notice mixed vs. black. Seriously. Now, if your pictures show an African American woman and your profile is tagged Asian, then a guy is going to ask himself “did she click on the wrong box or what?” Guys just do not go that deeply into it, and are not going to think to themselves “hey! she’s not mixed, she’s black. Why is she misrepresenting herself?” Guys are not going to scrutinize your profile in that way. Guys will look for signs of fake or scammer profiles. That’s what we care about excluding.

    7) What are your thoughts on the success rate Black women would have by doing this (checking all of the racial categories on her profile to come up on more Non lack men’s searches who would not have otherwise seen her b/c they did not have the “Black” box checked for preferences)?

    For the most part, guys aren’t going to notice. We will look at your pictures.

    Reply

  54. gregariouswolf
    Jan 15, 2013 @ 19:33:52

    Related to this topic, do women exclude men of the wrong religion? Mixed-faith couples used to be almost as significant as mixed-race couples.

    Is this falling by the wayside?

    If you’re Catholic, do you exclude Protestants? If you’re religious, do you exclude atheists/agnostics?

    Reply

    • Ray
      Jan 16, 2013 @ 07:33:55

      I’m not a very religious man, but why do you call it the “wrong” religion? Different yes, wrong is a matter of opinion! Strict adherence to ones faith can be a deterrent to IR relationships, and it can be a dealbreaker to some black women! I have known very few that weren’t religious. There has to be a lot of tolerance for each others beliefs or lack there of. Ladies, don’t try to change me and I won’t try to change you! Actually, it’s better to fall for a non-religious man, because you won’t have to fight over whose church you attend! Let me sleep in Sunday morning and you can attend the church of the immaculate wombat for all I care! I draw the line at human and animal sacrifice though! LOL!

      Reply

      • gregariouswolf
        Jan 16, 2013 @ 15:32:06

        Hi Ray,

        I don’t wrong in the theological sense. I mean wrong in the “wrong for me” sense. As in someone who wants to date someone of their religion, like some people want to date inside their race.

        Are interfaith couples becoming more acceptable? I thought this question might be similar, if not directly related to mixed race couples.

        Reply

  55. Gary
    Jan 19, 2013 @ 11:56:41

    Im white male and a black female is all I want to date

    Reply

  56. Gary
    Jan 19, 2013 @ 12:00:07

    Im white male and a black female is all I want to date. Just seem online is not the place to meet or maybe it’s my profile. Just can’t seem to meet them but I’ll never give up.

    Reply

    • Ray
      Jan 20, 2013 @ 05:20:33

      Gary, you know what they say. Location, location, location! Much of your problems with finding black women may stem from where you live and how often you get out! If you live in Vermont, New Hampshire or the Dakotas where the black population is between 1-4 % you’re in trouble. On the other hand, most of your larger metropolitan areas have many more lovely young AA women to pick from!

      Reply

  57. juliet boaheng
    Feb 28, 2013 @ 08:30:30

    Neecy,i have being following your discussing for some time now and i love it,weldone….my major problem is this,i am a black African lady and lives in Ghana west Africa,i love white men and it is my dream to get married to a white man but it is difficult to meet some here and i dnt get good response from dating site,the problem is when u meet some one online he is very far from u and those close only wants to flirt with u and have sex,nothing more than that,please i need u to get a seriouse white man for me,i learnt there are a couple of them in Ghana but i dont know where to meet serious ones,please help me and i will be forever greatful.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Mar 02, 2013 @ 20:23:59

      LOL Hi juliet! Well I am not sure how much I can help being that I am on American soil. But the best advice I can give is maybe you should get out and travel more to other locations and places where you may meet the kinds of White men you are interested in. This may mean willing to relocate to places and areas where you have more opportunity to find love.

      Black women across the globe have to be a bit more resourceful in finding the *QUALITY* men of other races. There are so many losers of all races (including WHite) that you have to just understand sifting through the trash to find your treasure is just par for the course these days.

      Keep doing on-line and keep brushing aside the non serious men who are only looking for sex. You may eventually find the one, but you also have to expand you area and environment to put yourself in proximity to better men.

      Reply

    • Jer Littrell
      Mar 02, 2013 @ 23:18:34

      Juliet Boaheng,

      I’m a white man, and I’ve lived in Europe and visited Africa multiple times. I’ve also visited Ghana; it’s a beautiful country. Unfortunately, most white men in Europe and the US perceive Africa and it’s people as primitive, culturally backward, poor, and uneducated. I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, I’m just being real with you. The first black woman I fell in love with was from the Ivory Coast, she immigrated to Germany when she was young; I met her in Germany. So I personally experienced the beauty of an African women.

      But like I said, you have an uphill challenge because of the stereotypes and misunderstandings about Africa and its people from white men who never been to Africa. Most white men will ignore you because they automatically assume that you’re poor and only want to date them because they have money and can get you out of poverty. I hate to be that brutally blunt and honest, but I’m just stating the facts.

      My best advice to you will be to MOVE TO EUROPE OR BRITAIN and establish a steady career that pays well. That will clear up any misunderstandings and stereotypes white men may have toward you. Also, STAY AWAY FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! You have a low chance of finding a white man in the US. You have a much HIGHER CHANCE of finding a white man in Europe or Britain.

      Take care! I wish you the best of luck :-)

      Reply

      • Jer Littrell
        Mar 02, 2013 @ 23:23:45

        Also, white men don’t only stereotype African women by assuming that they only want to date them for their money. Many white men feel that way toward beautiful European women from Romania, Ukraine, Poland, Slovakia, Hungary, etc.

        Like African women, white men talk to those European women only because they want sex. They aren’t interested in real relationships.

        So it’s not necessarily about race as it is about perceptions based on one’s economic class.

        Reply

  58. chase your dreams
    Apr 03, 2013 @ 14:06:00

    Wow, this paragraph is fastidious, my sister is analyzing these kinds of things, thus I am going to convey her.

    Reply

  59. Joyce Momoh
    Apr 20, 2013 @ 12:54:27

    I like a white guy dat is honest

    Reply

  60. eddie budnick
    Aug 18, 2013 @ 04:23:30

    seeking a black woman to make me very happy

    Reply

  61. jah1z
    Sep 17, 2013 @ 23:13:51

    Hi Neecy,

    I’m a Black guy. I read a fair amount of comments on your blog and observed the way you responded to issues affecting Black Women and IR relationships, specifically, with White guys.

    I paid closer attention to how you masterfully avoid saying “Black Man” unless it was to condemn him. Surprisingly though, you addressed a Black guy who, like yourself, date interracial and this allowed a friendly feedback. Interesting character, indeed, Neecy.

    One comment in particular I found “intense”…..heartfelt, and really hit home as a wake-up call to Black Men as far as Black Women leaving Black men. And the guy is by the name, Nek. You two touched on the issues how Black Women feel in a Black community lacking of protection by Black Males and Father figures in the lives of their families and community.

    I personally took it to heart and was convinced by your sincerity of the plight Black women go through, and continue to go through, and how this has lead to a decline in Black Woman’s feminine. It was a vivid demonstration by you how this decline in the Black Woman’s femininity set her back in her Womanhood to be viewed as a Black Woman worthy of her salt, and then some.

    I couldn’t help but think of the Black Men that have ignored the frustration, the cries and putting-up-with-it for so long that a drastic change in attitude and outlook has been breeding all along to the point where they are today: Black women like you, Neecy.

    Anyway, as a Black Man, it is a natural defense mechanism to react in opposition to the new course the Black Woman has set out for herself to service the desires of White Men and openly announcing their availability to “just” White Men.

    As long as there is a Race of Black Men, we will never allow the new-age image of the Black Woman. It’s not about you, Neecy. It is the “ideology” behind it that many Black Women, young and older, would adopt out of frustration with Black Men and their shortcomings to be Men to their Black Women and give the protection and support necessary to uplift the Black community. While those are legitimate issues that need to be address, I can assure you we will rebound in the course of our existence as a Black Race and overcome it but we will fight to the death against that “ideology.”

    No man (Whites included) will defend this “ideology” for the Black Woman to have. No where is it in the curses of Deuteronomy 28:15-68 that a phenomenon such as that, should prevail.

    The power that God would invest in the Black Man would obliterate that ideology and kill off ANY and ALL White Man that has the gut to come to your aid and defend that ideology against us. They will surely fail, Neecy. This, I know. As long as there’s a God.

    Having said that, IR is hoovering around 9% for BW and WM. For BM and WW, it’s around 23%. I don’t see the numbers breaking out in leaps and bounds from there. And if it does, you have to understand there will be a national consensus endowed from the Most High to act against it.

    Prophecies comes into play here. I have read them, study them….even made it my duty to know them that a majority of Black Women going over to the White Man will NEVER be a reality, Neecy. Not in a million years.

    We love you, girl! Rather you accept it or not. We love you. We look “defeated” now but let a White Man stand to us and proclaim they taking all the Black Women from us and breed them out from us. Nothing else need to be said for even they know and fear the rise of a Black Man like the Valley of Dry Bones (which we are at this point) rising up in flesh and gear for war against our Oppressors.

    Just thought I let you know this.

    Love and Respect,

    From a Black Man

    Reply

    • Ray
      Sep 26, 2013 @ 07:45:15

      I’m a white guy. Black women are as much for us to win as they are for black men to lose. I’ve dated as many black women in my life as I have white girls and I’ve even dated a few asian and hispanic girls. If black women are interested in dating “out” it’s either because they have always found us attractive or they’ve been treated like crap from black men for years and are finally waking up and walking away!

      For years black women have chased after white girls/women either as a racist attempt to steal the white guys woman (turning tables is a bitch aint it?) or the insane Idea that white women were the prize!

      I suggest to all the black guys that are pissed off about black women dating outside the collective, to perhaps start treating black women with love and respect! When it comes to IR dating we get the best of your women (Halle Berry, Paula Patton etc) and you get the worst of ours. If you want black women to see black men in a different light it might be time for you to up your game before we scoop up all the gems that you let fall through your fingers!

      Reply

      • Neecy
        Sep 26, 2013 @ 19:26:45

        #youtoldhim!

        Tell us how you really feel RAY! LOL!

        And I completely agree with you!

        Reply

      • jah1z
        Sep 28, 2013 @ 04:02:16

        @Ray,

        Nice speech, little man. However, history is not on your side. While Neecy is jumping up and down giving you praise and trying to make me mad by not even acknowledging my comment, can never be a self-respecting lady for any Race of man to take serious.

        And thinking there’s a future between WM and BW, she’s simply thinking as a worldy young woman. Same as you. Neither of you know any Truths that are unfolding. And these things are Truths, rooted in prophecies which Neecy butt and my ass and every Black Woman, Man and Child is bound up in for she is a Child of Israel just like I am. However, you’re not. And since you’re not, your prophecy and my prophecy is two different outcome.

        Before I tell you of your prophecy according to the scriptures, let me first tell you what’s gonna happen to sweet ole Neecy and Black women that think like her. They will be what the Bible prophecy call, “rebels.” When the Second Exodus come, she will be right along with us but she will “rebel” about being apart of her heritage and to be a People unto Yah (God).

        The reason she will rebel is because she don’t want to leave her “White World” which she “thinks” is good for her right now. And as long as her Race is still here, she’ll be okay to keep dating Whites but when we leave this Babylon America, which is real, real soon (believe it or not), she will not be safe. Even if she’s married to a White dude. Regardless though, the prophecies say Yah will cut off the rebels and leave them behind.

        This is, of course, after America gets destroyed from within and attacked from an outside force. Again, which is real, real soon. Like I said, you two live here and now and do not think of these things but many of the Black Brothers and Sisters are awakening to their Identity of who they are. I’d wager, Neecy never experienced her awakening, or if she did, she ignored it because she’s loving her Babylon lifestyle with White men. She’ll learn eventually, though. And it’ll be too late for her.

        Now, on to your prophecy. The prophecy says Yah will destroy ALL nations that had a hand in the scattering of his Chosen People and it’s not the White Jews of Israel. It’s us Blacks of the Northern Hemisphere: America, Americas, the Caribbean Islands as well as the U.K. and the four corners of the earth. If you look at us in our respective countries, we are mirror-images of ourselves in that we’re displaying the same behavior patterns, attitudes to each others …..even dating out of our races and living the Curses of Deut.28:15-68. Only Yah can affect a world-wide identity-phenomenon such as that.

        And Neecy, if you reading this, you might might want to hear this because Ray or any of Caucasian Male is not gonna tell you this about their dark little secret. As I stated, the European Nations will be destroyed. Completely. It is Prophecies.

        To prove that, it is already happening and have been for several decades now. In the good ole 1950, the Caucasians was sitting at 29% of the world population. Blacks, at 8%. And they kicked our butts real good with slavery and oppression….like the Curses of Deut.28 said they would.

        Now that the Curses are nearing it’s end and time for our 2nd Exodus out of America due to the European/Caucasian people to be destroyed, demogrpahic Experts are not predicting a dark age for the White Race.

        They are dwindling in numbers. Their White women are suffering infertility woes at an alarming rate THUS WHY DEAR OLD WHITE BOYS LIKE RAY-RAY hording over for Black Women TO SAVE THEIR OWN ETHNICITY.

        The Government knows it all too well which is why they have this liberal push for White Males to mate Black Females. White Women to mate Black Males.

        Why?

        Well, its a trustinv consensus that if they get bi-racial children, those children or more times likely to side with their White race than their Black race. Thus they will mate Whites and this boost population growth for the White Race.

        So, they gonna love you, Neecy. and many Black women like you but I wouldn’t bet against Yah. If He said they are to be destroyed, then He has spoken! So, essentially, these Satan Children (European/Whites aka our Oppressors) are fighting against the prophecy about them. And trying to drag Blacks down with them.

        Meanwhile after we leave America, these same Demographic Experts shows prediction that the Black race will make the biggest gain in their numbers. Am uptick of 133%!! That put us at 25% from 8% in 1950. No other ethnic group will surpasses us except China (barely).

        Whites will be a foregone conclusion and a remnant will remain of them and they will be Servants and Hand Maids to the House of Judah and the House of Israel as we enter the Millenium era, baby!

        So, Ray…..live well Buddy. Of course, if you call me a liar, these things can be verified by the scripture and I even provided real-time proof by what the Experts are saying which correspond to the prophecies that Yah is busy destroying the European nation for extinction.

        What sad, the things that makes Neecy laugh today will make her cry to tomorrow for her “White Man” dreams is nothing but a pipe-dream in the near and distance future.

        Shalom

        Reply

        • Ray
          Sep 28, 2013 @ 04:33:50

          Neecy has never shown herself as being anything less than a beautiful articulate lady, and any man of any race would be lucky to have her! I’m glad you could put your “the world is ending soon” sign down long enough to write all that BS on a blog! That sign must have gotten heavy! My belief in prophesies is about as strong as my faith in the Easter Bunny. We have free will and have every right to spend our lives with someone who loves and respects us, no matter what ethnicity. So go trot out that tired old horse and pony show elsewhere!

          Black women are too smart to fall for that black male racist propaganda! As far as calling us Satan children, it’s tiny brained racist guys like you that will be needing the sunscreen with the SPF 1,000,000 in the afterlife! Seriously, man, Yah really need some psychological help.

          Reply

          • jah1z
            Sep 28, 2013 @ 06:01:47

            @ray,

            You speak as a fool. If you’re an Atheist then, of course, this wouldn’t make sense to you. You just as well as live your life in blind ignorance and wonder why your ethnicity is dwindling in numbers. If you have the I.Q. to do some in-depth research about your “dwindling ethnicity” then you should try that and let your own Caucasian brethren convince you of the truth than to hear it from a Black man that is more intellectually in-tuned to the events happening around us and how it matches up with the prophecies.

            By the way, I’m married, dude. To a beautiful Latina sistah —— and she’s BLACK. Just in case you think I wanted to touch your filthy White Women whom most are skanks.

            Excuses my manners but I find them repulsive, genetically inferior (just like you). So, I’d never lower myself to a Recessive gene species that came from us. Understand young man?

            As far as Neecy, no self-respecting Black woman would totally disown her Black race and the Black Men of her race. Do you want me to bring in some Black Women that date interracially?? I can do it and I assure you, they would not agree with Neecy’s position and even put you in your place too, to think it’s okay for a Black Woman to act that way.

            You may date Black Women but you ain’t Black, dude. You don’t know what’s considered disrespecting of a Black race when this woman (Neecy) is a Black Woman and knows. She know exactly what she’s doing. She’s exhibiting a cold and calculated attitude….rooted in “hate” to act the way she’s acting and you yapping your mouth like an Ape to not see that no self-respecting Man of any race would find this young Woman appealing. If a Man knows a woman hates her race, such a Man will take advantage of her. Halle Berry don’t hate Black Man…..and she part White. So, cork whatever foolishness you trying to justified about Neecy’s conduct.

            The fact she doesn’t know me yet, refuse to acknowledge a “Black brother” due to a bad experience she may have had with a Black man is no excuse to lump every Black man together as the same. You make the same assumption too which is typical of Satan’s children, and lacking of any human decency.

            By the way, everything I said about your prophecy is in the work already. Research and learn where your ethnicity going. The White ethnicity is extincting, dude. Even look it up on youtube. Your ethnicity will come down to 9% world-wide by many factors, and that’s not including the destruction Yah will render at America and the European Nations. You will be extincted witb only a small, small minority of your people soon. There’s no way around it, and the reason the government pushing interracial relationship among Blacks. You need us but Yah will not have it.

            Ever heard: ” Until the time of the Gentiles is up”?????

            Shalom

            Reply

            • Ray
              Sep 28, 2013 @ 16:57:24

              You are a moron and if it wasn’t for spellcheck you couldn’t spell I.Q. let alone pass a test beyond the lower single digits. My apologies to your poor wife. How desperate must she be to put up with your ignorance?

              I’m sure you can find some black hood rat females that might sign on to your ignorant racist bullsh*t and they will end up with what they deserve, a dysfunctional idiot that will make her life miserable with only the goal of being the most prolific baby daddy in the hood! But, quality black women see your inane ramblings as the last gasp of desperation to try and keep them all locked down and brow beaten! The BW that are exposed to an alternative to the disrespect that most black men continually pull, are leaving you in droves!

              Neecy doesn’t acknowledge you because she doesn’t waste her time with drivel from the insane! There isn’t enough time to waste with you, so ramble on. You will be hardpressed to find anyone with more than a third grade education who will listen! I certainly won’t be wasting my time with you anymore!

              Reply

              • jah1z
                Sep 28, 2013 @ 19:37:12

                Lol….nice theatrics, dude. Keep spilling those misguide stereotypes about the Black Race, and why you think believing this will help you with your racial fetish for Black women. Typical White Supremacy rhetoric disguise with a false sense of respect for Black Women to trick her into marriage and in the bed for some good ‘ole slavery-days, raping where IR make it “legal” this time around. Racist Cracker.

                By the way, I’m sorry you felt intellectual challenged by a Black Man that you had to take a jab at my I.Q. for feeling like SHIT that you aren’t on my level…….(and never will be).

                You be good to yourself, fella. Gotta go.

                Shalom

                Reply

            • Lucious Ferre
              Jul 14, 2014 @ 23:09:04

              “Excuses my manners but I find them repulsive, genetically inferior (just like you). So, I’d never lower myself to a Recessive gene species that came from us. Understand young man?”

              What manners?
              And yes, we do understand. You’re a religious bigot as well as a racist bigot.
              I’ve never known a racist that wasn’t stupid. That record still stands.

              Reply

        • Neecy
          Sep 28, 2013 @ 21:19:40

          JAHZ,

          Actually if I wanted to silence you I just simply wouldn’t have let your post come through.

          Do I hate my race? NO. Do I hate Black men? NO. Do i think White men or any race of men are the saviors of Black women? NO.

          At this juncture, my only advice to Black women is to stop looking to any collective group of men of ANY RACE to be our saviors. It has proven to be quite detrimental to Black women to believe that because of shared racial experiences and skin color that Black men are in our corner and here to save and protect us. The writing is on the wall and it has been proven that Black men only care about themselves. Even when you so called come on to our sites claiming to “CARE” about BW so much to “keep us away from the White evil devil” it always goes back to YOU as Black men and realizing that when BW leave its a wrap for YOU.

          I’m sick of the BM selfishness. WHy don’t you PRO BLACK men spend more of your time on sites where Black men are deginerating Black women? Or why are you not out matching and protesting against the droves of successful and rich and prominent Black men marrying out and to women of other races? because all you are about is YOURSELVES and getting what you want.

          SCREW Black women and our needs right?

          Well sorry. You can talk about all the prophecies in the world, but there is none that would tell a sane Black women to continue to support men who continually shit on, walk over and diminish her value. Men who come from her WOMB!

          If you want to help the Black race – start with your BRETHEREN because that is where it began falling apart!

          Reply

          • jah1z
            Sep 28, 2013 @ 22:17:24

            There it is again —–is this some indoctrinated, manufactured slogan to lump “all” Black men with those men you dealt with it. Snap out of your “worldly viewpoint” Woman! You think I’m on your side?? I’m NOT on your side, Neecy.

            I’m for the Race. The Black Race. I’m for the Unity. The Black Man/Black Woman Unity. I’m for Black Children. The Black Children of the Black Man/Black Woman, rather they’re abandoned, neglected or whatever the case may be. I’m for Us against Them. Understand?

            I AM NOT FOR THE BLACK WOMAN as a solo entity. Please! That leads to the DEATH of my Race! I AM NOT FOR THE BLACK WOMAN’S FEMINISM. Please! That leads to hate for Black Unity and sides with worldly ideologies which has roots in White Supremacy.

            You, Black Woman, is clueless. You do not know any Truths. And the minute a genuine brother is in your presence showing you knowledge, you shun that knowledge. You disregard prophecies which has a mighty grip on your black ass, that you cannot escape it. Neither can I.

            It’s not my fault we are in this together, sistah. The Most High chose us. Therefore we are bound in His prophecies. To fight against Black men, and for your Individual Views as Black Women is not gonna change a motherfucking thang, my sistah. That just the blunt, unfettered truth for your royal ass. Understand?

            We are royalty….the Children of Israel. And by now, you should have received your awakening. A lot have. I did! Instead of sticking your head deep in this Babylon feministic Ideals, you should have been paying attention, spiritually, when Yah was endowing you with an Awakening…..which is still going on.

            Step out the Matrix. Get in touch with your spirituality. Read Torah. Discover your identity that has been hidden from you by the very Nations you’re running to for this false sense of protection, security and all that empty rhetoric you think is the “real thing.”

            I promise you, if you do as I say (without ever having to date a Black Man again) you will see where you err. You will see why the conditions of the Black community is happening as it is. And you know what? You think it’s bad, horrible and all that but I think it is brilliant! Stunning.

            Why?

            It’s happening exactly like the prophecies said it would. The details…..wow. I mean, you can script this sort of reality. You can make this shit up but the prophecies identified and detailed exactly what we see in our Black community 2000 years ago. That’s what stunning.

            What you, and Black Women of your types are doing is not surprising. You are fulfilling proohecies. And it’s gonna get worst. Females will be Men. And Men will be females. Men will have labor pains like a Woman giving birth. It is a period known as “Jacob Troubles”.

            It will get so bad that such days has never been, and will never be so again. This is only the beginning. By the time Yah save the House of Judah (which you are part of by the Curses of Deut. 28), the entire world will be dead except those names written in the Book since the foundation of the world. The Caucasian Ethnicity will be extinct and they will pay a terrible price for scattering us. If they can’t respect Black men, what make you think they will respect Yahshuah whom they call “Jesus”?? For Yahshuah is a Black Man, too.

            I don’t want to bore you with this if you’re not into the Truth and living a Set Apart Life but it is my duty to reach other to the Black Woman and Black Man who has not awaken, and nudge them to their awakening.

            Just so you know, Neecy, in the end, Yah will have it no other way but to see His People “together” again, in Love for His namestake. Not ours. Thus why your worldly attitude about Black men and this Feminism thing is bankrupt, Neecy. It is not Truth. There is no life in feminism or Woman Power or any of that caricature nonsense.

            Do it for you, learn your identity and wake up! Prophecies are real. And they are still unfolding. We have no more time to waste in Babylon America and fooling with White People. They are dead, anyway. Turn to the Truth….to Yah. This is the way, Neecy. I’m done here.

            Shalom

            Reply

            • Neecy
              Sep 28, 2013 @ 22:37:55

              *sigh* Not even I can make this shit up. LOL and I have *QUITE* the imagination. :lol:

              Ok Jahz – whateeeeevvvvvvveeeer you say.

              Reply

              • Peanut
                Sep 29, 2013 @ 20:35:04

                you know what neecy after you read my comment, will u remove the link please?

                Reply

                • Neecy
                  Sep 29, 2013 @ 21:38:45

                  Don’t worry I removed it. I’m sorry but I’m not addressing that kind of foolishness on my site. Black women need to learn to pick and choose their battles and that was not a battle worth even addressing. Not sure why that was even news.

                  Reply

              • Peanut
                Sep 29, 2013 @ 20:44:04

                but you know what neecy, i think that the attitude i am going to adopt from now on is…”whatever, just whatever,” i will be so apathetic to the negativity, that i am going to go for the positivity…if someone doesn’t like me just because of the basis of my skin tone, then why would i want to be with that person any way?

                Reply

      • Lucious Ferre
        Jul 14, 2014 @ 22:42:14

        Ray, calling Halle Berry one of “their best” is not well thought out, with all due respect. She calls herself black even though she’s half black/half white, and she calls her daughter black even though she’s 1/4 black, because, (get this), she says she “believes in the one drop rule”. i.e. she subscribes to JIM CROW LAWS.
        She also said during the divorce and child custody case that her white husband was “a racist”. So…either she lied, or she knowingly married a racist. ‘Neither testifies toward her having a good character, and if he’s such a racist, why was he suing for custody of her “black” daughter?

        Nothing she says makes sense. She’s a train wreck, and after seeing this and Monster’s Ball (one of the most racially insulting movies I’ve ever seen), I wouldn’t give a plug nickel for her opinion or point of view. She’s poison.

        Peace and be well

        Reply

  62. Jergs
    Sep 26, 2013 @ 00:45:32

    1)It somewhat depends on age. Younger men might be experimenting, while grown men know what they want. Unfortunately many white men who might want to date black women are scared off by outdated stereotypes(sad but true).

    2) Imo, don’t lie about heritage. Some of us honkeys prefer real Black to mixed women.

    3) Black and proud! We can jam James Brown if needed.

    4) If he does, he does. This isnt the man you want anyway.

    5) Unfortunately yes, some men are are big kids. sorry.

    6) Desperate?? Hell no. But I understand why they might do that, although with the right man that is unneeded(black is most def beautiful).

    7) Hard to say but if you dont let it be known no one will know youre open to interracial dating(goes for men and women alike).

    Well with all that being said I’m a white guy who hasnt dated a white woman in years and I have no interest in doing so. All in all just be you, the rest will follow.

    Reply

  63. Jergs
    Sep 26, 2013 @ 00:54:28

    PS I have seen many white guys refer to black women as “manly” or “too muscular”. These are bets males possibly omega males and should be avoided by all women.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Sep 26, 2013 @ 19:25:59

      I agree. Alpha men see beauty beyond stupid stereotypes. betas and Omegas (ironically the men who don’t even get that many women in the first place) are the ones who put down and trash groups of women.

      I find it funny that its almost always the men who are not the most sought after or wanted by women are the worse when it comes to putting down and making judgements against Black women.

      Reply

  64. Black
    Nov 23, 2013 @ 05:50:36

    One thing about Black women, they are honest and strongly in bed. Most of Black women treat a man with full respect. They are friendly and loyal to relationship and marriage. Especially, they have sexy lips and full body figure.

    Reply

  65. John
    Jan 22, 2014 @ 08:38:39

    I think you and other black women are looking at this from the wrong angle.

    The reason why black female/white male relationships are lower in number than black male/white female relationships is because there are less white men than white women by quite a lot, and therefore every time a white male marries a black female he is mostly likely choosing her over white women and the stereotypical submissive Asian women.

    If black women ever seize control of a large chunk of the feminine outlets such as modeling, acting, cheerleading(and other more feminine dominated sports), and pop singing, then black women would probably have an easier time getting white men than white women do.

    In reality white men actually like black women more than even the sluttiest white women claim to like black men. Black women don’t need a mandingo myth to get white men lining up.

    Reply

    • Lucious Ferre
      Jul 14, 2014 @ 22:58:01

      “… is because there are less white men than white women by quite a lot”

      That’s entirely untrue. And Asian women are not “submissive” BTW. That’s a nonsense stereotype spread in the west back in the mid 20th century by people who didn’t understand Japanese culture. We can probably call that the “Suzie Wong” myth. What is true is that Asian women have mastered the art of getting their way via gentle influence over the man, while he keeps public “face” in being a man. I say this as an American man who has lived in South East Asia for a number of years.

      Reply

  66. norm
    Jan 31, 2014 @ 20:55:52

    Some white men are confused and some deliberately uncheck the boxes so as to not stray from their color group. I suspect there are black women who woouldn’t date a white guy. It is always hard for me to approach women and clearly when approaching a black woman you feel you have to be more sure she is interested. I am a white man and though I love all women, black women are my preference.There is just something about them that has been my fancy since grade school.

    Reply

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  68. rlee857610
    Feb 28, 2014 @ 11:15:46

    First Neecy, I just found your blog and I would like to respond.
    ME: White
    SHE: Black, African American
    WE: married 11 years, together 13, two kiddos, just your average joe and janet.

    To start we all have our prejudices. I often think these questions begin with our own stereotypes and hopes that in asking the question we verify our beliefs. When the answer does not conform to your beliefs we find some means to dismiss that which does not. That being said I will take a crack at some of your questions and answer them as simply as I can.

    1. Does anyone really know what they want? we often say or list out what we want and end up with something completely different.

    As with prejudices or stereotypes there can be many different sides and views regarding this. In the black community, there is a perception that white men see black woman as exotic or the jezebel syndrome. While this may be true in some circles, am not sure it is not more a class issue than race. I grew up poor, white and southern. In my circle we did not view black girls as either exotic or whorish. Our preception of them was that they were prudish and not as “fun”. Not that any of us had ever dating one. The saying was that, ” Black girls dont put out because their daddies will beat them. Now upper class whites were knew had a completely different perceptions. More of the jezebel stereotype.

    I dont know if this is true across all poor or upper class whites. I just know it was true in my circle. (town).

    Perception as it relates to marking only black. There a myriad of possibilites. But I will stick with two. Two that you may not agree with, but again my experience and my back ground.

    If a woman list herself as only “black” then, she may be only interested in white men because maybe she hates black men. Or it is a second choice. Perhaps, She is afro centric and that may cause conflict, or drama. Maybe, she will be perceived as limiting in a number of ways. Who knows? I am guessing a just as you are and just as anyone who polls is. You have to ask a large sampling.
    Maybe they dont want drama
    Maybe they dont think black women are really interested,
    Maybe I dont know and neither does anyone else really.

    I do know that many of the white men I know. Dont think black women are really interested in dating them. Many of them are not interested in dating black women. That could be racials that could be sour grapes. Pick one and be happy.

    We all make list of what we want, we also omit things that we dont know we want or just have not thought about. Quite frankly, when I met my wife I had not interest in dating a black woman. I did not have any interest in not dating a black womean. I had never thought about it. Not becuase I am righteous. I had just never really sat down and pondered that question.

    I will tell you I had a list though. Not a good one but just a sample. What I was was not looking for.
    She had to be from the south, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi pretty much was as far as I would go.
    She should be from a small town. Grown up there not living there.
    These were actually deal breakers for me. No New Yorker, no San Francisco, No dallas texas midwest or nor easter. Just not going there.

    I will show my hypocracy later on.

    Question 2.

    In truth it is in the interest of anyone black, white, asian, or whatever to show as many possible traits and experiences to get a date, a job a new car, a house or whatever it is they seek.

    Let me ask you this. When seeking a new job do you only put down the expereince you have from the last job? Or do you list as much experience as necessary to show you are well rounded and have broad experience?

    You are selling your self when dating or applying for a job. If you only want to be a finance officer at a autodealership then you only sell yourself to that. But if you want to be a finance officer with a career that has realy potential. You better put a lot of information out there.

    If you only want the option to date a broad spectrum, you better list a lot of things that peak their interest. You can not be just one thing.

    3) Should black women stay black and prour or mix themselves up for few dates and profile clicks?

    So your only black and proud if you say your black?
    What does black and proud really mean? My wife is black, she is proud. Does anyone want to live in a relationship where the racial dynamic is somehow the forfront of the whole thing.

    We live in a racist society, racist in many ways. We deal with it at home when confronted with it in the world. Although it is not something that we deal with as a couple. No crosses burned on our lawn. No one asking if she is the maid. WE have had two bad experiences. They do not define our relationship. Just blips in the road.
    We dialogue about our life together, bills, kids, cars, dinner, dates, dancing, never ever about black and proud or white pride, or chinese new year. What a horrible existence that would be. We deal with cooking and cleaning, and family. But never ever black and proud, white and right or any of that.

    4. Mine exactly, I met my wife online. As I said above, I never consciously sought a black women. I did not exclude black women because I dont find them attractive. I excluded them becasue my perception was there was probably less interest in me from them as a white man. Why chase what is not interested in you.

    5. Men are no more confused thatn women about what they want. IN fact what they want changes with experience. I wanted to date and marry a girl from anywhere but the south when I was young. I did and found the grass was not greener. No cultural context no understand of how each viewed issues. Lots of issues.

    So I changed, I married a southern woman. She knows how to make biscuits just like my grandma.

    6. no read the second response. The more info you put out the more responses you get back. It works that way with everything. The more limits you show, the more limited the responses will be.

    Take a poll. Ask people how many drive a Yugo. See how many responses you get. It works the same. If you ask more quesitons, give more info you get more responses. It shows you as broad and deep.

    Put an ad out that says you only like cats. You only get responses from people that only like cats.

    7. more success.

    Why limit your box?

    We all grow up in a box. What ever box that is. A person box may be the bronx, La, a small town in Alabama. I grew up in a box. The southern small town box. It was warm and safe and I knew all my people. I knew how the world worked and how ti was supposed to work. Then I left the box. I went out into the world and saw that it was not alwasys safe, that others had their own boxes. It was an advendutre, it was fun, exciting and so broad. I met other people and amde new friends. I have nver been able to go back to my old box. I tried moved home for six months once. I dont want that old box. I dont want to jsut be in that box. I hold on to that box. I My wife and I have our on box now. It is different from the one we grew up in. But we both actually have our old boxes in us. We are proud of the boxes we grew up in. But we love the box we made together.

    Yep my wife is black and she is proud, she is southern, she is a mother, she is a mulitude of thins. She is sometims a pain in my butt. But she is definitely not just black and proud.

    We know our children will be considered either black or mixed in this society. But we also know they dont have to choose that box. They can choose any box they want. No one else gets to do that for them. It is their right as human beings. Just as it is your right to choose any box you want to be in.

    My question to you is this. What does it say about your or anyone that another persons box is so important?
    What does it say about anyone that wants people to stay in a specific box.? Maybe even need others to stay in a box with them?
    Have you put yourself in a box that is uncomfortable?
    What is the reason you need other people to be in the same box your in?
    What is so right with your box and so wrong with theirs?
    Is it ok for them to challenge your box or does it scare you?
    What is wrong with a bigger box? Everyone likes a bigger box..

    Reply

  69. rlee857610
    Feb 28, 2014 @ 11:24:43

    Neecy, sorry I know that my response was neither gramatically correct and there are a few mispelled words. I actually type up my response in a word document and tried to copy and past. Could not do that so to not waist any more of my time, hastily retyped. Trust me the word version is cleaner.

    Reply

  70. Lucious Ferre
    Jul 14, 2014 @ 22:30:28

    I’m a white man who loves black women, but if I were looking for a relationship, an African American wouldn’t be my first choice. Why? Because of the social crap that goes along with it. We would both receive nonsense from both the white and black communities, (much more from the black communities than white). Black men don’t get crap for dating white women from the black community, but black women do. They’re told they’re sleeping with the enemy, and nonsense like that. If I were looking for a relationship, I wouldn’t be looking for one pre-loaded with baggage. I’ve dated enough black women to know what I’m talking about. The flack is not only annoying, it can be dangerous. “Brothers” want to kill me when I’m with a “fine sister”. Of course I don’t get the same thing dating Latin women or Asian women. ‘Not even close. I’m sick of the damned racism. I’ve never owned a slave; my ancestors were poor people from Scotland and Ireland. I’ve never been mean or racist to any black people. I don’t deserve crap just because I happen to be the same hue as jerks who owned slaves 150 years ago.

    Reply

    • kitten
      Jul 24, 2014 @ 18:36:29

      I don’t believe you love black women. I think you are sexually attracted to black women but don’t value them enough to marry or settle down with one. So you make excuses.

      How many “brothers” have tried to kill you for dating black women?

      I will admit that many black men don’t like to see an attractive black woman with a white man. But black men as a group are NOT trying to kill or physically harm white men just for dating/marrying black women. You are being very dishonest. No doubt there have been incidents of white men who were harmed for dating black women. But guess what? MANY black men have been harmed or even murdered just for looking at white women, let alone dating them. And yet that did not deter them from pursuing the white women they wanted. Historically, white men have never been punished for being with black women so your fear of black men and the black community is unfounded.

      I am an attractive black woman who has always dated white men and not one of the white men I’ve dated have ever threatened or harmed by black men. If anyone should be afraid, it is we black women because black men are MUCH more likely to harm black women than white men. Black men pay dearly for crimes against whites while they terrorize black women and children with impunity. You, as a white man, are a very unlikely victim of crime by a black man for any reason let alone for dating a black woman. Blacks are still the most likely victims of hate crimes, not white men.

      There is no open season on white men who are dating black women.
      If you and your black dates are harassed by black men, then stay away from predominantly black areas. If you really wanted to be with a black woman, then nothing would stop you. Of course, there is no guarantee that some crazy black person won’t try to hurt you. But neither is there a guarantee that a crazy Asian or Hispanic man won’t try to hurt you for being with a beautiful Asian/Hispanic woman. Or maybe a white guy will try to kill you for dating a beautiful white woman that he wanted for himself.

      If you don’t like racism, then stop being a racist yourself. Just admit that you don’t think a black woman is worthy of marriage or a serious relationship. White men have never had a problem having sex with black women. White men will scale mountains to get non-black women, go overseas to get Asian brides in poverty stricken, high-crime parts of the world, but when it comes to black women, they have all kinds of excuses why they won’t consider them for serious relationships.

      Since the beginning of time men have placed themselves in harms way and fought other men to get the women they want. It seems that black women are the only women that men are not willing to risk anything for. I hope you don’t run into an Elliot Rodger on your next date with a non-black woman.

      Reply

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