WHy do people continue to encourage BW to not give up?

Even when its in our own best interest many times to walk away from harmful things and situations???

 

I don’t get it.

 

When I look at Asian women, they decided they were going to live life for SELF and not simply their communities. SO they started dating WHOEVERTHEHELTHATTHEYWANTED and making their own ways based on their own NEEDS and desires and not those of their men and communities. People constantly talk crap about Asian women dating out of their race/culture and communities in high numbers. But many Asian women will tell you that a lot of them leave because they are tired of the traditional roles that are expected of women int heir culture. Roles that put them LAST.

 

And do we se other Asian women standing no the sidelines belittling their Asian sisters choices? NOOO. They mind their damn business and either stay in their communities and with Asian men or they simply do not say anything at all!

 

Maybe because like all other women on this planet, they are not expected to be the sole backbone and workhorse for their communities and therefore when they date out, marry out and generally seek the best lives for themselves, their communities don’t give them SHIT for doing so.

 

YET, here we have Black women who are constantly given the guilt trips when they are finally saying “to hell with a community that does not value me or the women and girls”. Suddenly everyone wants to keep serving “helpful reminders” that its our job to fix what is horribly wrong in our communities?? Or the the “helpful reminders” of one or two good things coming out of the Blakc community as a way to encourage BW to not give up.

 

*SIGH*

LOL I really feel for Black women sometimes. No one (not even our own) wants to see us be free and happy. We always gotta be out FIXIN shit that is long beyond our control to fix and even when it burdens  us even more.

 

To any Black woman out there who is TIRED of having to burden herself with FIXING everything wrong wight eBlack community, please do not allow others to guilt trip you into feeling that because you have decided to leave and look out for numero uno, that you are being irrational and not “REALISTIC”.

 

You have every right like every other woman on this earth to seek your own BLISS without feeling you gotta FIX and carry the burdens of your “community and race”.

 

Black women have been doing that nonsense for CENTURIES with NO POSITIVE RESULTS whatsoever!

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results.

 

TO HELL WITH THAT!

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30 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Brenda55
    Nov 12, 2013 @ 14:03:40

    “The definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results.”
    Agreed and…….

    TO HELL WITH THAT!
    ……agreed.

    Fight. Flight. Two acceptable strategies that depend on the circumstance a woman finds herself in. They are not mutually exclusive.
    You can’t fight successfully from a insecure, dangerous or weakened position. At times one has to do battle to move to a better situation.

    Black women need to accept that self preservation is not selfishness and that they deserve a serene life simply because. No qualifiers. No explanations due.

    In the end it is about choice and doing what is right for you and for me a good run was better than a bad stand. It opened doors to many possibilities, a better life and the ability to fight from a position of strength. It was a decision that I have never once regretted.

    Love yourself first. Everything else falls into place after that.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Nov 12, 2013 @ 21:51:21

      Perfectly said brenda!

      I am just sick of other Black women espeically telling other Black owmen that giving up and walking away is “not an option” or that doing that means that you hate Black people or simply just making them feel as if there is somehting *WRONG* with making that choice to walk away based on FACTS – PLENTY OF FACTS that its just not a safe haven anymore for BW in many Black communities – both mentally and physically.

      Another thing that gets my goat is when Black women use the “well Black women can’t walk away because they have brother, husbands and fathers who are Black”. Welll BLACK MEN have daughters, sisters, and mothers who are Black too and that doesn’t seem to stop them from doing what the hell they want to do!

      You never hear this though when it comes to talking about Black men who leave the Black community to “greener pastures” to find love and live amongst other races in more diverse non Black setting. NEVER. Never does anyone run that same nonsense on Black men saying “how could you walk out on your mothers, sisters, daughters”. LOL

      Like in the other thread Nappy says there were more BW out marching against Black male violence because they had many husbands and sons. Well what about the many daughters, sisters and wives in the black community that BLACK MEN HAVE and should be marching for?

      This is the same BS Balck women run. Well we gotta stick in the BC because we have fathers, husbands and sons who are Black. WELL BLACK MEN do not seem to subscribe to that same theory despite having Black female daughters and other Black female relatives! And no one HOLD THEM OR EXPECTS them to stick around based on that either.

      SEE the nonsense double standards? I’m not falling for that anymore and I am not gonna sit back and allow other BW to get away with saying this stuff without being called out.

      Reply

  2. Eji
    Nov 12, 2013 @ 15:19:40

    “Black women need to accept that self preservation is not selfishness” from Brenda55’s comment is a sentence that I have had to use and then unbelieably, to EXPLAIN! SMH and thanking God for my own understanding and yours too Neecy, cuz I no longer have the strenght to keep preaching. Love the post.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Nov 12, 2013 @ 21:53:38

      YEP EJI,

      Black owmen owe NO ONE any excuses and people need to to stop running those tired played out GUILT TRIPS on the Black women who have chosen to throw their hands up and say it is not their JOB to fix everything that is wrong with the Black community – especially when the other half aint doing ANYTHING to fix it. Pssh!

      Reply

  3. omerta327
    Nov 12, 2013 @ 18:08:21

    I’ll sum up BWE blogs in one sentence…

    IF YOU FEEL LIKE PEOPLE ARE WALKING ALL OVER YOUR ASS, STOP ENABLING THEM TO DO IT!!!

    There, Neece. A blog post in a single sentence. Thank you, thank you…

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Nov 12, 2013 @ 21:54:21

      BY GOSH HE’s GOT IT!!!! :lol:

      Reply

      • omerta327
        Nov 13, 2013 @ 22:22:43

        Hey, this ain’t exactly rocket science.

        Reply

        • Neecy
          Nov 14, 2013 @ 20:43:04

          For some unfortunately it is like rocket science. And this extends to all races and genders. Some people become so indoctrinated with things, they sometimes need common sense repeated to them for them to understand that they should not live like they do or allow the negative things in this lives that they do.

          A lot of Black women in America have some severe indoctrination from generations of Blacks forming these ideas into our minds that our sole purpose for existing is to carry the burdens and fix everything wrong with the Black community. And *LEAVING* and looking out for self is treated as something being wrong with your rational skills and that you *hate* yourself.

          And then Black women have these GAS LIGHTERS (thank Khadija for the term) who continue to tell us to act like what we see before our own eyes is not really what we are seeing and we should just keep on fighting the good fight and trying to fix things ourselves and eventually, one day in this lifetime it will all pay off.

          BWE blogs are here to tell these masses of indoctrinated Black women theta they do have other options if they so choose to take them and provides a supportive environment to discuss the *taboo* things that so many Black people simply will not discuss.

          Reply

  4. Neecy
    Nov 12, 2013 @ 21:58:24

    Here are some articles that Chic Noir posted on http://www.notyourgirlfriday.wordpress.com blog that clearly show why more nad more BW NEED to throw their hands up and walk away!

    http://www.finalcall.com/artman/publish/National_News_2/article_100908.shtml

    http://www.afro.com/sections/news/baltimore/story.htm?storyid=80161

    Reply

  5. Sibyl
    Nov 13, 2013 @ 06:32:38

    Black women come FIRST.

    Yeah, I said it!

    That’s black women’s needs, wants, safety and overall importance coming first.

    Not black men.

    I know that’s still considered blasphemy by all the BW mammies and enablers out there, whose real religion, regardless of what actual beliefs they profess is really BM worship, but so what. It’s time for a new order.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Nov 14, 2013 @ 20:46:36

      YEP. And for so many BW to be so religious, I find it odd that they still haven’t grasped onto he idea that worshiping groups of people is not God’s way. You would think BW would get this. The Black man worshiping is in complete opposites of what the Bible promoted. Having children out of wedlock is not what the Bible preaches. There are so many things that BW as a collective do that goes against the religion they are so immersed in.

      Anyway,

      Like you said, for BW who want to put themselves, their lives and needs first, they should be able to do it without fear, guilt trips and gas lighters telling them they are being unrealistic and irrational.

      And I take offense to anyone saying that BWE bloggers are just preaching feel good non real life stuff that BW cannot use. WHAT?!

      Reply

  6. Khadija Nassif
    Nov 13, 2013 @ 06:44:37

    Neecy,

    I can pretty much guess what helped trigger this blog post. {smile}

    I had the same reaction that you did. I’ve seen the various recent “Let’s celebrate the purple unicorn incident as if it’s the norm among AAs” blog posts and comments across the Black internet. AS IF most (or even many) AA women have BM relatives who are ready, willing and able to perform commando operations to rescue them. {side eye at the dishonesty involved in this}

    Old-school AA men from previous generations used to respond like that. But that’s NOT how most AA males “roll” nowadays. Due to a number of causes, mostly revolving around the effects of mass fatherlessness. If AA men were still protecting their female relatives, we wouldn’t have the volume of murders, rapes, and beatings of AA women and girls that goes on day in, day out among AAs.

    If it was still so commonplace for AA men to defend their female relatives, then a known child molester who has racked up multiple Black girl victims like Ar-ruh Kelly wouldn’t be walking around unharmed. Like nothing ever happened. For over a decade. He’s racked up a LOT of Black girl victims. Including urinating on at least one Black girl victim’s head. If so many AA men were interested in protecting their female relatives, wouldn’t at least ONE of those MANY little girls’ fathers (including Aliyaah’s father), uncles, brothers, cousins, etc. have lifted a finger to avenge their BF child relative? Even a little bit?

    And, really now . . . we all know that. I feel that at this point in time, anybody sincerely pretending that a purple unicorn sighting is the norm is in line for a Darwin Award. Given current circumstances among the AA collective, it’s just that ridiculous.

    I’ve given your question a lot of thought. And I’ve concluded that this sort of “BW, you should keep hope alive for the [dead] AA community” is about sabotage at its core.

    Some AA women are addicted to Sista Soldiering, and are afraid of being left to fight alone in the trenches as more sensible AA women walk away from the entire mess.

    Other AA women want to make sure that very few other BW are living well—or God forbid, living better than they are. So they knowingly give bad advice to other AA women (including this “Keep hope alive” mess). To trick other BW into taking themselves out of life’s competition in search of the good life.

    And then there’s the traditional “Misery loves company” motivation.

    Sensible AA women and girls will simply keep heading for the exits.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Nov 14, 2013 @ 21:04:31

      YES Khadija! It was that post that set off this topic because I could not believe what I was reading. Reading this on a site where I actually respected the blogger for her efforts in helping to speak out against Black female victimization.

      but how can you in one breath list and have a blog showing all of the atrocities towards our young girls and women (typically by our own communities and men) and then turn around in the next breath and act as if the Black women who are using these REAL and unfortunate and CONSTANT events happening to Black women to inform Black women they need to start heading for the exits to save themselves, as being non realistic and that we are just making feel good blog posts and not looking at the real world?? HUH?

      I actually responded to that post and she decided not to post it because I guess she didn’t want to have to address the very real things I brought up like:

      (1) Stuff like Black men and Black families going commando to save a Black female relative is RARE. RARE!! And that using the RARE examples like this when there are thousands more examples of the opposite happening and Blacks people, the Black community and Black men are EXPLOITING and ABUSING its women and girls is more common. It just is wrong and irresponsible for a woman who claims to try to be fighting for the victimization of Black women IN BLACK COMMUNITIES, to make declarations like that to keep those Black women who are already on the fence, from seeing the realities of what is REALLY happening.

      (2) I said GOOD LUCK to those Black women who want to keep fighting an uphill battle in trying to save a community when the other half (BLACK MEN) are not interested nor have ever lifted a finger to help save it. How the hell can Black women fix what is wrong when the group creating most of the problems and troubles for Black women and people and the communities are BLACK MEN who refuse to even acknowledge their MAJOR role in the deterioration of the BC?? LOL! .

      (3) I posted those two articles that Chic Noir posted on notyourgirlfridays blog just to give a helpful reminder of what is MAINLY HAPPENING in Black communities to Black women and girls today being KILLED and sexually EXPLOITED by Black men and other lunatic BW worshiping Black men and why the Black women who are telling the sensible BW to THROW THEIR HANDS UP AND WALK AWAY are being realistic.

      (4) I asked her if her blogging was just feel good blog posts and not related to what is going on in the real world. because if she feels that what we bloggers are not addressing REAL LIFE and REAL WORLD, she may have to point that finger back at herself and ask the same question. i am sure her answer would be that she is blogging to get a message across. She is not blogging about FICTION or victimization of Black women and girls for PLEASURE. And neither are BWE bloggers. We do not sit and spend time preaching about stuff because we haven;t lived it ourselves or because we are not intelligent enough to SEE what th hell is happening before our own eyes and we simply are not afraid to calla spade a spade anymore.

      As you said, its that same old Black people mess of not wanting to see anyone get ahead because there seems to be this sickness with Blacks when it comes to encouraging and pulling for each other to live the best lives we can. Too many BW have sour grapes and want, as you said, to continue to sabotage the efforts of sensible BW with potential to live better lives to not leave them alone fighting int he trenches for a war and battle that was lost over 2 decades ago.

      Reply

  7. onelesssoldier
    Nov 13, 2013 @ 14:47:45

    Excellent post Neecy, as were your other two! I’m thinking I’m going to link these in my next post if that’s alright with you?

    As Khadija pointed out this pure gaslighting of events with “unicorn sightings” are simply among the various attempts of trying to stop black women from moving on with their lives.

    I can’t stand when exceptions are used to as the rule. It’s misleading and dishonest. I also noticed that this particular article and articles similar to it also try and shame the black women smart enough to leave in to taking back up for whatever cause didn’t previously benefit black women.

    I’m not buying it. Call me any names you want, but their isn’t any way in hell I’m sticking around for some BM somewhere to go “commando” in my honor. And to tell other black women that that’s going to happen is not only preposterous but downright dangerous.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Nov 14, 2013 @ 21:21:21

      EXACTLY OLS! And of course you can feel free to link anything you like from here on your blog.

      I think its totally dishonest and shiesty to try to encourage Black women to not give up based on some silly one or two RARE events that helped a Black woman in the BC. It’s just WRONG! Especially from a responsible BW who many BW respect and would listen to.

      And then to turn around and bash and/or tell them that Bloggers telling BW to head for the exits for their safety and lives is just not real life is nasty and dishonest as well.

      Anyone with two eyes and half a brain that *IS* rational would tell a BW she’d be a FOOL to not look out for herself and live the best life possible outside of the BC lines where it is a plain WARZONE in many cases for Black women.

      Are ALL Black communities like this? Maybe not. but enough are that says to me BW have NOTHING TO LOSE by leaving.

      And then to turn around and tell Black women that a lot of the problems we create ourselves, and need to be fixed by us is just .. I have no words. And then (lol) to tell BW *WE* are the ones who need to roll up our sleeves and start fixing these dysfunctions is SAD!

      I aint interested (and I am sure a lot of other sensible BW arenat either) in continuing to put a band-aid over a serious wound (or as my Grandmother would say “putting sugar over shit”) and pretending that what is really happening before nye yes is not really happening. MORE power to the sistas who want to keep strapping on those soldier boots and uniforms and fighting that fight to save Black people. I say Good luck because Blakc women have been taking this path for CENTURIES with no real results (obviously look at where we are today and our communities and children overall).

      I am not interested as a woman in patching up a damn boat. That is what *MEN* (key word *MEN*) do when their communities and women and children are suffering. They start coming up with ways to create better, safer environments for their women and children so that their culture and race can thrive in the best way possible. Also notice how more thriving communities put lots of things in place to police and punish men who seek to exploit the vulnerabilities of its women d girls.

      So while other communities may not be free of exploiters of women nd children, there are *AT LEAST* other men and women willing to put power behind policing and punishing those men who are caught doing so.

      When communities happily turn a blind eye to the men and boys seriously exploiting and abusing its women and children, then you have a bigger problem than patching up a boat. And sometimes people have to LEAVE before others actually realize how valuable they are and start acting right.

      If the boat has been patched up enough and it keeps sinking, my ass is moving the heck on! And for some BW that means swimming away to the next best island of freedom and safety! WHy keep waiting time and energy trying to fix the same broken dysfunction with no results other than putting a band-aid over an absess?

      Has it ever occurred to any of these Black men, BC sister soldiers that most of the problems created are by the MEN??? Uhm Hello! How the gel can you fix a problem when the people creating the problems aren’t even acknowledged as having created the problems and they have NO INTEREST in helping to fix these problems?

      Once again its BACK ON THE BLACK WOMAN, to fix every damn thing and every one ALL BY HERSLEF. And anyone telling BW its not their job to do so and to leave and move the heck on wight heir lives is just writing fiction on blogs???

      LOL!

      Reply

  8. SayWhat
    Nov 14, 2013 @ 05:05:26

    Great post Neecy, I am new to BWE blogs, but so far I feel at home. It’s great not to have people make you feel guilty for wanting to be respected. Now it is time for me to play catch-up with these post.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Nov 14, 2013 @ 21:22:38

      Welcome aboard SAY WHAT!! I am glad to see more and more sensible BW realizing that the world is their oyster if they so choose to enter it and stop being guilted into carrying those heavy burdens of others and feeling as if we do not owe it to ourselves as women and HUAMN BEINGS to thrive and live the best lives we can.

      Reply

  9. KP
    Nov 14, 2013 @ 09:15:22

    I was absolutely shocked at the reaction of some people (not so much others, lol) to that one-off situation, because that is exactly what it was. If it was the norm, why do BW represent some 30% of all missing people when we make up such a small percentage of the U.S. population? Why are we 11 times more likely to be murdered during pregnancy than other groups of women? Why have 60% of BW and girls been raped, molested, street harrassed, etc., 9 times out of 10 at the hands of a BM perpatrator? I guess it’s a cute fantasy for some to pretend like Black male rescue missions are the norm, but reality, facts and figures says it is not.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Nov 14, 2013 @ 21:26:07

      EXACTLY KP!!

      And before anyone comes on here saying “well White people do it too”, they better have a good response other than crickets chirping in the background when I ask them why at the same time WHites and other thriving communities always have laws and things in place to protect the women and children and girls from being exploited and abused. IOW’s while these same atrocities may occur in other communities, the difference is, these communities AT LEAST ATTEMPT to ACKNOWLDEGE that these things occur, so much that they police the men and male predators as to keep the children and women and girls as safe as possible.

      Any community that ignores the abuse and exploitation of its women, children nd girls is a community that will not be around long.

      And that is why folks are writhing in agony at the thought of the decent and sensible BW BOUNCING! because they know when we leave ITS A WRAP for them and their comfort zone.

      Reply

  10. Neecy
    Nov 15, 2013 @ 01:07:22

    http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/dj-delroy-catwell-jailed-for-murdering-girlfriends-daughter-because-she-was-getting-more-attention-than-him-8925118.html

    This *&^*&*&^&%^%%#!@# murdered his girlfriends young daughter because he wasn’t getting attention. Why do Black women continue to lose their children at the hands of b/f’s who should be out working, and instead are home watching their non biological kids while the BW is off at work?

    Now I am *NOT* placing blame on the mother for what happened to her baby. But these stories should serve as a LESSON to young mothers who date and decide to risk leaving their children in the hands of boyfriends who are not the biological fathers.

    People should not be leaving their children on the hands of BOYFRIENDS who are not the biological fathers!

    I cannot tell you how many stories I have read of Black mothers leaving their young daughters and children in the hands of BOYFRIENDS (who are almost always NOT the childs biological father) only to rerun to their children being murdered by said b/f’s.

    There was a case several years ago in Philadelphia. Same thing – Black mother is off at work while her loser B/F (who should be working) is at home watching her children and then mom comes home from work to find daughter (a baby nonetheless) dead after having been brutally beaten, bitten and sexually assaulted).

    i have read so many cases like this over the years I just do not understand.

    First of all. This is the bad result of not having biological fathers in the childrens lives. The higher the rates of OOW kids, the more likely this happens. Now I don;t know whether the little girl knew her dad or not. but obviously, he wasn’t around because he would have been mentioned in the story – however, nothing was mentioned of him. If more BW stopped having OOW kids, and married decent men and had kids with PRODUCTIVE men, less need would be for them to have to go off to work leaving their children with BOYFRIENDS like this lunatic, who typically have zero connections to the kids.

    So much for that whole protecting our women and girls thing. Dude killed this little Black girl because he was jealous of the attention and close relationship she had with her mother.

    Sensible BW, please stop having kids OOW and having kids with men who will not stick around and help raise AND PROTECT their biological children from sorry predators and lunatics like this idiot int eh article..

    I believe there is also studies that show, that children are more likely die at the hands or be abused by their mother’s boyfriends who are not the biological fathers.

    Reply

    • Neecy
      Nov 15, 2013 @ 01:26:10

      http://cachouston.org/child-sexual-abuse-facts/

      Here is a study that corroborates with what I said about children being abused more at the hands of non biological live in partners.

      Family structure is the most important risk factor in child sexual abuse. Children who live with two married biological parents are at low risk for abuse. The risk increases when children live with step-parents or a single parent. Children living without either parent (foster children) are 10 times more likely to be sexually abused than children that live with both biological parents. Children who live with a single parent that has a live-in partner are at the highest risk: they are 20 times more likely to be victims of child sexual abuse than children living with both biological parents (Sedlack, et. al., 2010).

      and another:

      https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/foundation/foundatione.cfm

      amily Structure
      Children living with single parents may be at higher risk of experiencing physical and sexual abuse and neglect than children living with two biological parents.45 Single parent households are substantially more likely to have incomes below the poverty line. Lower income, the increased stress associated with the sole burden of family responsibilities, and fewer supports are thought to contribute to the risk of single parents maltreating their children. In 1998, 23 percent of children lived in households with a single mother, and 4 percent lived in households with a single father.46 A strong, positive relationship between the child and the father, whether he resides in the home or not, contributes to the child’s development and may lessen the risk of abuse.

      In addition, studies have found that compared to similar non-neglecting families, neglectful families tend to have more children or greater numbers of people living in the household.47 Chronically neglecting families often are characterized by a chaotic household with changing constellations of adult and child figures (e.g., a mother and her children who live on and off with various others, such as the mother’s mother, the mother’s sister, or a boyfriend).48

      The Child Abuse and Father Absence Connection

      The rate of child abuse in single parent households is 27.3 children per 1,000, which is nearly twice the rate of child abuse in two parent households (15.5 children per 1,000).
      An analysis of child abuse cases in a nationally representative sample of 42 counties found that children from single parent families are more likely to be victims of physical and sexual abuse than children who live with both biological parents. Compared to their peers living with both parents, children in single parent homes had:
      77 percent greater risk of being physically abused
      87 percent greater risk of being harmed by physical neglect
      165 percent greater risk of experiencing notable physical neglect
      74 percent greater risk of suffering from emotional neglect
      80 percent greater risk of suffering serious injury as a result of abuse
      120 percent greater risk of experiencing some type of maltreatment overall.
      A national survey of nearly 1,000 parents found that 7.4 percent of children who lived with one parent had been sexually abused, compared to only 4.2 percent of children who lived with both biological parents.
      Using data from 1,000 students tracked from seventh or eighth grade in 1988 through high school in 1992, researchers determined that only 3.2 percent of the boys and girls who were raised with both biological parents had a history of maltreatment. However, a full 18.6 percent of those in other family situations had been maltreated.
      A study of 156 victims of child sexual abuse found that the majority of the children came from disrupted or single-parent homes; only 31 percent of the children lived with both biological parents. Although stepfamilies make up only about 10 percent of all families, 27 percent of the abused children in this study lived with either a stepfather or the mother’s boyfriend.49

      Reply

  11. neurochick
    Nov 15, 2013 @ 07:15:41

    “And then to turn around and tell Black women that a lot of the problems we create ourselves, and need to be fixed by us is just .. I have no words. ”

    I kind of disagree with this, here’s why. If you are in an abusive situation and you just stay there and complain instead of getting the heck out, then yes you are creating your own misery; if you get involved with a man you know is abusing your child and you and have problems because of that, yes, you’re creating the problem by staying there and trying to “help him.” No one can help anybody until they want help. Look, I was once taught that no one can abuse you, as an adult, without your permission. I do NOT understand why so many Black women feel that, marrying a man of another race is somehow “treason” or something silly like that. Heck no, it’s not treason, not at all.

    Here’s what happens a lot of times, I see this with people all races, both sexes when they get sober. They change their life, they get healthy and there will always be people who will bemoan them, who tell them they’re being selfish, who tell them they’re “changing.” People fear change, they fear when people get healthy because that means they have to start looking at themselves and their choices.

    Look, I don’t want a man who doesn’t want me, no matter what race he is. I don’t want a man who abuses me, no matter what race he is. See, simple. So if man A is abusive and man B is kind, I’ll go to B, no matter what race A or B are. Simple, yet so complicated for some.

    Reply

  12. SayWhat
    Nov 16, 2013 @ 07:36:25

    ‘No one can abuse you as an adult’…… I just don’t think the answer is that simple. The analogy of an abusive relationship is perfect because that is exactly what black women are in as a group. Yes a woman does chose to stay after she gets hit, but the problem is that by the time she is finally hit, her abuser has already broken her down verbally and emotionally. Not that I am an expert, but unless she was already broken by someone else, an abuser would be stupid to hit her first without knowing how mentally weak she is…..she may cut a n#%^. So while we would like for our women to know better and leave because they are adults, they may not know how if the abuse started from young…..and with black women (especially us darker women with kinky hair), it does.

    Black women are told that we are flawed from jump, from hair to skin tone to body type, we are just ….ugh…and this is by our own community. Since our own people think we are just ‘aight’ (I purposely misspelled alright), and having been telling us this since young, then it makes sense that we are hesitant to leave our communities regardless of how abusive/toxic they are. So therefore, expecting us to leave because we are older and should know better, is a bit much to ask, because often times, we don’t know better; sometimes it is not age that matters, but experience/knowledge. That is why blogs like this are important, it lets black women know that it is OK to leave…..when they are ready to.

    Reply

    • neurochick
      Nov 16, 2013 @ 13:47:36

      I agree. I think we are both saying the same things. It’s okay to leave an abusive situation.

      But you are right, the problem with many Black women is we are told that we’re NOT okay, not pretty, not nice, and that no one will want us. We’re told that if we leave the Black community, we’ll be out there, all alone. The thing is that many of us are already alone in our communities.

      But the problem with so many of us is that we stay in our little bubbles. We never venture out, so we never know what’s going on outside our communities. We never talk to other women, Black and non-Black. We believe all the nonsense our communities tell us.

      With me, I grew up in a Black neighborhood, I still live there. But I went to a mostly white school, so I heard other opinions and other voices and other stories. Also, when I was growing up, Black men were NOT as abusive as they are today. Now, when I was growing up, it was known that construction workers would cat call women, but maybe they’d whistle or look or say something silly, and that would be it. Today men say the nastiest things to women on the street and threaten physical violence (and many times act on that violence) if they don’t respond.

      We Black women need to realize that we are beautiful, and worthy and we have a right to be here. We need to not be so desperate for male attention, because the predators can smell that desperation a mile away. A healthy man won’t be interested in a desperate woman. Desperate women attract predators.

      Reply

  13. SayWhat
    Nov 16, 2013 @ 14:40:20

    Everything you said is on point, the only part that we forget is that those who are used to being degraded after a while, think it is normal, so they don’t realize that change is needed. What is that saying?…show someone the back door enough they forget there is a front…. You ventured out because you went to a white school, I ventured because my mother explained to me when we moved to the hood ‘we are better than this, but I am too sick to afford anything else’. We should absolutely venture out and live our best life, but I get why sometimes people don’t know where to go when they are told to LEAVE…but as I said, a growing number of black women are either going back for others or waiting for them with open arms, and I believe that the information age is making that happen a lot easier/faster.

    Reply

  14. kia
    Nov 25, 2013 @ 00:52:05

    ””Broad declarations writing off entire communities make for awesome blog posts, but in reality—most Black women and girls live in Black families. A large number of them will marry and/or have children with Black men. And many of them will live around other Black people.”””

    ————–The same website that applauded one black family going Rambo to rescue their child acted like this one example was the perfect reason for black women to not abandon the black community and pursue the good life in safe communities with the global village of men that will love and support them. And also completely ignoring the fact that many black women and girls and boys are abused by their own people in their own communities — pimps, drug dealers, preachers, sexually abusive relatives or family ‘friends’ etc. that other blacks allow their kids to be around.

    For decades black women have been the only ones taking care of and suffering in rundown violent black communities. Many of the kids that black women have with black men refuse to marry them or even support them as a family. While some black men are applauded for running off with non black women, which they have the right to do if they choose to. When ever black women decide to do the same thing, they’re shamed and called sellouts or abandoning the black race.

    Reply

  15. kia
    Nov 25, 2013 @ 00:58:09

    This is also the same black woman who said on her facebook that she was proud to be a ‘FAT BLACK WOMAN.’ — WTH? When black women are dying daily of obesity, suffering all kinds of health problems, and taking themselves out of the mating game by keeping themselves undesirable and fat.

    And her latest post about a black woman Tanya fields who is more worried about food programs for poor blacks. When she has multiple kids with different men that she should be more worried about. Because black kids who grow up around chaos and dysfunction (poor with multiple baby daddies) are more likely to be victims of abuse, gang violence, high school dropout, teen pregnancy etc. When other black women tried schooling her on why she decided to have multiple kids with different daddies, she claimed black women were shaming her as a single mother. SMH.

    These are the type of black women who depend on government programs in the form of welfare, government housing, food stamps that comes out of our tax dollars. Also, these types of blacks who act irresponsibly use other black women relatives and friends – the so called ‘village’ – to take care of their kids while they do as little as possible. I always agreed with her other posts but this really pissed me off. So she wants black women to continue to stay behind in a dead community and take care of and fix everyone else’s problems instead of leaving and going after the good life. Never knew she was such a mammy.

    Reply

  16. L, Higginp
    Jan 13, 2014 @ 14:46:33

    Their is one motto I followed in my life. Do not aid and give comfort to the enemy! This include family and friends, my goal in life is to live well and my future daughter’s live well also. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and opinions.

    Reply

  17. itsmeak
    Feb 26, 2014 @ 10:33:55

    Dystopia Incognito Black women of today, both young and old, if you live in dangerous black constructs please move out of them right away! Because from reading the opinions of your fellow ‘bruthas and sistas’ above this is a reflection of how they’re gonna treat you, ignore you and turn their backs on you when stuff hits the fan. Do NOT listen to certain long-running blogs that I won’t mention here saying to you ‘face the facts, most black women live in black neighborhoods and will continue to do so’ advising you to stick around! Hell to the NO. The ‘cool’ black residents in Blackistan who don’t cause trouble or get into trouble well those ones all pack up and leave your black female selves behind!

    Dystopia Incognito They all pack up and leave Blackistan eventually!! By the time you find out that your nice neighbors and their kids are leaving the hood, they’re moving three weeks from now and the UHaul truck has been scheduled to come. Those cooler black neighbors will NOT wait around for you or help you out or hold your hand in there just because you’re a black woman in Blackistan living there alone! Because they wanna leave Blackistan too and they WILL! You will be left behind literally with The Crazies just like that movie The Crazies. So black women leave Blackistan very soon because all your ‘fellow’ nice black neighbors who live four blocks down from you have found their new property in the Burbs or wherever already and they are GOING but they just haven’t told YOU about it yet….

    Reply

  18. itsmeak
    Mar 04, 2014 @ 09:33:44

    Certain long-running blogs that I won’t mention here that say things like ‘these other blogs are always telling black women to leave Blackistan and go out into the wider world but they never tell black women how to do it or give black women advice’ well those blogs either honestly don’t know what they’re talking about, their host slipped on sidewalk bumped their heads and had amnesia sadly
    OR they’re full of lies and crap because a lot of the original, longer-running BWE websites did give advice from both their own blog hosts AS WELL AS the people commenting about how black women could organize to leave dangerous black constructs with their kids and some of these longer-running BWE websites still have all of their old website material all up and available for perusal, mostly all free and a some who charge for one to see their archived material.

    There’s one blog called ‘Black Girls Rule!’ that was started up by a black woman called Aimee(?) from five years ago and she just abandoned it and it’s still up and you can still comment on it! It’s a shame because her blog was good but she moved on.

    Sara on ‘Sara’s Interracial’ blog was also always giving out free advice to black women about how to leave Blackistan and definitely giving advice about how to earn extra money, how to start up a sideline job or jobs and how to get on the property ladder but sadly I think hackers hacked their way in or some kind of security issue happened on her website and that’s why you can’t see Sara’s advice anymore.

    The only similar older BWE website that hasn’t had their very good advice and information available to the public anymore for a few years now that I can think of is ‘Black Women, Blow The Trumpet’ run by Rev. Lisa Vazquez that she decided to make private because she was tired of lurker who weren’t participating because she wanted all readers of that blog to participate and comment all the time. It’s a shame that she made that blog that she called a ‘think tank’ private because she wrote down very good advice for black women in her posts although they were long and very verbose posts where she spoke about leaving Blackistan and other subjects as well.

    The New Elegant Black Woman blog run by a Canadian black woman is another blog that has a host who doesn’t really deal with the blog that much anymore because she wanted to focus on other things but her blog and her advice is still all there for anyone to read too even though she doesn’t talk about Blackistan really but she gives black women some helpful advice just the same.

    Reply

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