*WARNING – RAMBLING AHEAD. PROCEED WITH CAUTION*
Lately I have been thinking hard about why I haven’t accomplished all the things in life I wanted. For some things I wanted to achieve, I had to ask myself what happened. One of the many things I wanted to achieve early on was marriage and kids. So I kept asking myself why had I not achieved that. What did I think was the biggest thing that held me back from achieving that goal. And after honest self-reflection, its was being overweight during my prime years.
Why am I making this post? Putting myself out there? B/C some young girl may be on Google surfing around for silly stuff and may come across this blog. This young girl may be in her early to mid 20’s and FAT. She may not even be thinking about her fatness b/c the media tells her everyday being fat is “beautiful” “fabulous” that people are going to “love you for you”, “embrace your
curves fatness” and God knows what else they are saying to keep women accepting being unhealthy and overweight.
I’m putting myself out there right now b/c I feel its my duty at this point. This is an open letter to any young woman in her early 20’s, mid 20’s who is overweight or obese.
I can tell you that as a woman who has been very attractive and NEVER without male attention my entire youth and life, that weight gain in the peak and prime years of your beauty is nothing short of tragic and wasteful. Please do not squander your prime/peak years of youth and beauty in being overweight. You cannot get those years back. What do I consider prime years for a woman? 18-30.
Here’s my story…
I have never been a skinny girl in the sense of being petite or “tiny”. And I never will be a “skinny” girl but I will be a fit girl. I was always a girl that was healthy and well proportioned but shapely without any fat or fat rolls on my body. I had a flat stomach small waist and nice perky boobs and butt all of my life. I had the brickhouse shape 36, 24, 36. My friends used to wonder why I was so obsessed with working out during college and I had a running joke that I had the body type that was always one chicken dinner away from being fat. Haha we would laugh. Little did I know, that would come to fruition after some sad obstacles faced in my life.
Throughout my high school and college years I maintained a great healthy physique and as a result received quite a bit of male attention (mainly from top notch guys) b/c I was at my peak. I started dating seriously a very popular college football player for 2 years. he wanted to get married once we graduated. I attended a very popular college with a very prominent football team. I was quite popular and well known around campus. This school was in a different state than where I grew up. My last semester I decided after graduating I was going to move back to California to pursue a filmmaking career (something I always wanted to do). Returning home, I did connect with friends from high school but things were different. They had not gone to college and we simply had just grown apart after all those years. So I had no immediate friends within close proximity. All of my good friends from college were still back in their home state of where I attended college. But I wanted to be a filmmaker and I felt being back in Los Angeles was the best place for me to do that.
I was also still in love during this time. My boyfriend from college at the time was drafted into the NFL and was off to New York. He told me that he wanted me to move there with him once he got settled. I decided I wanted to come home first to be with my family before making such a big move and that I needed to be engaged before moving in with anyone. He said he wanted to get married and that he would be coming to San Diego for his first pre season game and wanted me to come there and leave with him back to New York. To make a long story short, while at home in Cali and before the season started, once news got to everyone back in school that he had been drafted to NFL, stories started swirling about “baby mommas” who were excited b/c they were going to be “getting paid”. I found out that this man I loved and trusted and was going to consider moving in with and later marrying, had two out of wedlock babies from two different women – 1 in his hometown and the other from school (who I didn’t know about b/c she had already graduated and returned to her hometown to have the baby). The only reason I found out was b/c I heard they were going to be pursuing paternity cases for $$$ since he had gone pro.
Obviously this was during the time we were together in school and I had no clue. I was devastated, embarrassed and felt like a complete fool. That relationship ended with the news, but my devastation didn’t. (For the record it took a full on 2 years before I was over this person).
SO I decided to deal with that hurt and heartbreak by really focusing on my career in the film industry. And After finally settling back in at home I decided to do a free internship at a small independent film company. I was lucky to have even gotten this internship b/c most companies only like doing internships with current college students and none that have already graduated. But they gave me a chance. My grandfather who has known of my aspirations in this field said that he would send me money every week just so that I can focus on doing the internship and pursuing what I loved and not have to worry about gas, food etc. He believed in me and wanted to help me in any way. He paid for my gas to and from and provided financially for a 3 month period. The owner and his wife against their normal rule of hiring non college interns hired me onto the internship b/c they loved my zeal and saw something in me. Unfortunately, they had started filming a new movie (with ben Affleck) and left for location to start filming. That left me with the next in command *que horror music* – the Assistant. The Assistant was an OBVIOUS flaming gay guy who everyone knew was gay except he and his parents (how the hell anyone didn’t know he was gay is beyond me, but, whatever). He had issues and hang ups which I believed stemmed from is inability to own up to his homosexuality. And thus, he took his frustration, anger and misery out on all the interns there. he abused and treated all of the interns (myself included) HORRIBLY. Finally when the other interns left to return back to school, I was the only one left.
As a result of the abuse, one day I went for lunch, sat in my car crying uncontrollably and went home to never return back to that office. The two owners called begging me to come back but I was so over it at that point I couldn’t. I was once again DEVASTATED and discouraged and felt like a failure. On top of that I felt like a failure b/c I thought I was going to be married and found out my b/f of 2 years had 2 children behind my back. I didn’t have any friends whose shoulder I could cry on b/c they were all in different states.
So I got a regular 9-5 job and made up some insane reason on why I decided to put my filmmaking dreams on hold. My grandfather passed away a year later. I allowed that *queue horror music* Assistant loser to steal my passion from me and I stopped pursuing a film career. As a result, I started doing regular 9-5 jobs that I was not really happy with but paid the bills.
SO why did I tell all of that? During this time I was still in my early 20’s. With each devastation I was gaining weight and falling off the wagon in terms of taking care of myself. I have ALWAYS wanted to be married with kids and I have ALWAYS been a girl who has taken care of herself and my appearance. Before I knew it I stopped caring. during the time I should have been focusing on finding a husband I was 25 and FAT. I don’t even remember how or where all the weight came from, but it piled on fairly quickly. And I spent MOST of my mid 20’s and early 30’s being FAT. I had started realizing at one point that maybe I should take the weight off. But During these years the whole fat acceptance meme started hitting big. I had people LYING to me telling me I was “beautiful” and any man would be “lucky to have me” and that I shouldn’t focus on my weight b/c weight doesn’t matter and that there are men who will “love me for me” yada yada yada. I had family members telling me “nobody wants a bone but a DOG!”. I listened to that baloney for TEN, let me repeat TENNNNNNNNN YEARS (my PRIME YEARS) and believed it. I really believed these people and the media telling me that being fat and overweight was just FIIINE. While I am still quite not where I need or want to be, I am getting there. But now I my in my mid 30’s. Past the usual desirable age to find a husband and have children. I should have been focusing on this when I was in my mid 20’s. but b/c I was FAT I wasn’t attracting any man worth quality.
There is *nothing * attractive about being overweight. TRUST ME. I look at myself when I was at a normal weight and look at myself when at my highest weight and look at myself now. 15lbs makes a HUUUUGE difference in your appearance. So no one can tell me that weight doesn’t matter. I have a guardian angle looking over me b/c I still have managed to keep my youthful appearance. But weight/obesity and fat doesn’t look good on ANYONE. It will DESTROY YOUR BEAUTY and YOUR HEALTH. IT destroyed my beauty for TEN YEARS let me repeat TENNNNNN YEARS – the most prime years of my life. And when my doctor told me if I didn’t do something now b/c of my age that it would start destroying my health I saw the writing on the wall. While I am not one to say it s”too late” for anything, if I can warn or advise another young woman to avoid the mistakes I did, I will. Please listen to me when I tell you – especially if you are a young Black woman that has been told its okay to be
thick fat – ITS NOT OK. DO not waste the best years of your beauty and youth being fat.
Some people may be asking what is fat vs. curvy? The word curvy is often thrown around so loosely. The best way I can differentiate the two is (and this is coming from someone who has been both) that if you have ANY FAT ROLLS you are FAT. Let me repeat. If you have any kind of fat rolls you are FAT. not curvy. not thick. but FAT. Please lets stop lying to ourselves and listening to the media. Its NEVER ok to be fat b/c its not healthy and it steals your natural beauty. I just feel this needs to be said and said coming not from a skinny girl on the outside looking in, but a former and will be former Fat girl who knows the truth and who has lost the prime years of her life being FAT for no reason at all besides feeling sorry for myself and believing the HYPE that “fat is fabulous”. I am so fricking mad at myself for falling for the okey doke. so many women don’t want to face the facts that you lower your Market Value in the dating/mating arena when you are fat. I lost TEN YEARS of my PRIME BEAUTY being fat and pushing myself out of the market. I will go so far as to say I would have easily been a hard 8 or soft 9 (to some) in my prime years if I had taken care of myself and my body.
Now, I still have my beauty and still have a ways to go before I am where I need or want to be physically. But I want to put this out to the universe for any young woman still in her prime who may stumble accidently across this blog. Being fat is not fun, fabulous, fearless, fantastic, ferocious, fine, feminine or any other positive adjective that starts with an F. Being fat/overweight/obese steals your health, your natural beauty and your ability to compete for the best mates in the dating/mating arena. I want to give you the ten years I so tragically threw away for myself.
So. I’ll see you on the other side? hopefully…..If not, then don’t say Neecy didn’t warn you!