RAMBLING OPEN LETTER to Young Beautiful girls in their prime who are…

Fat…

Hi.

*WARNING – RAMBLING AHEAD.  PROCEED WITH CAUTION*

Lately I have been thinking hard about why I haven’t accomplished all the things in life I wanted. For some things I wanted to achieve, I had to ask myself what happened. One of the many things I wanted to achieve early on was marriage and kids. So I kept asking myself why had I not achieved that. What did I think was the biggest thing that held me back from achieving that goal. And after honest self-reflection, its was being overweight during my prime years.

Why am I making this post? Putting myself out there? B/C some young girl may be on Google surfing around for silly stuff and may come across this blog. This young girl may be in her early to mid 20’s and FAT. She may not even be thinking about her fatness b/c the media tells her everyday being fat is “beautiful” “fabulous”  that  people are going to “love you for you”, “embrace your curves fatness”  and God knows what else they are saying to keep women accepting being unhealthy  and overweight.  

I’m  putting  myself out there right now b/c I feel its my duty at this point. This is an open letter to any young woman in her early 20’s, mid 20’s who is overweight  or obese.

I can tell you that as a woman who has been very attractive and NEVER without male attention my entire youth and life, that weight gain in the peak and prime years of your beauty is nothing short of tragic and wasteful. Please do not squander your prime/peak years of youth and beauty in being overweight. You cannot get those years back.  What do I consider prime years for a woman? 18-30.

 

Here’s my story…

 

 I have never been a skinny girl in the sense of being petite or “tiny”. And I never will be a “skinny” girl but I will be a fit girl.  I was always a girl that was healthy and well proportioned but shapely without any fat or fat rolls on my body.  I had a flat stomach small waist and nice perky boobs and butt all of my life. I had the brickhouse shape 36, 24, 36. My friends used to wonder why I was so obsessed with working out during college and I had a running joke that I had the body type that was always one chicken dinner away from being fat. Haha we would laugh. Little did I know, that would come to fruition after some sad obstacles faced in my life.

Throughout my high school and college years I maintained a great healthy physique and as a result received quite a bit of male attention (mainly from top notch guys) b/c  I was at my peak.  I started dating seriously a  very popular college football player  for 2 years.  he wanted to get married once we graduated. I attended a very popular college with a very prominent football team. I was quite popular and well known around campus. This school was in a different state than where I grew up. My last semester I decided after graduating  I was going to move back to California to pursue a filmmaking career (something I always wanted to do).  Returning home, I did connect with friends from high school but things were different. They had not gone to college and we simply had just grown apart after all those years. So I had no immediate friends within close proximity. All of my good friends from college were still back in their home  state of where I attended college.  But I wanted to be a filmmaker and I felt being back in Los Angeles was the best place for me to do that.

I was also still in love during this time. My boyfriend from college at the time was drafted into the NFL and was off to New York. He told me that he wanted me to move there with him once he got settled. I decided I wanted to come home first to be with my family before making such a big move and that I needed to be engaged before moving in with anyone. He said he wanted to get married and that he would be coming to San Diego for his first  pre season game and wanted me to come there and leave with him back to New York. To make a long story short, while at home in Cali and before the season started, once news got to everyone back in school that he had been drafted to NFL, stories started swirling about “baby mommas” who were excited b/c they were going to be “getting paid”. I found out that this man I loved and trusted and was going to consider moving in with and later marrying, had two out of wedlock babies from two different women – 1 in his hometown and the other from school (who I didn’t know about b/c she had already graduated and returned to her hometown to have the baby).  The only reason I found out was b/c I heard they were going to be pursuing paternity cases for $$$ since he had gone pro.

Obviously this was during the time we were together in school and I had no clue. I was devastated, embarrassed and felt like a complete fool.  That relationship ended with the news, but my devastation didn’t. (For the  record it took a full on 2 years before I was over this person).  

SO I decided to deal with that hurt and heartbreak by really focusing on my career in the film industry. And After finally settling back in at home  I decided to do a free internship at a small independent film company. I was lucky to have even gotten this internship b/c most companies only like doing internships with current college students and none that have already graduated. But they gave me  a chance. My grandfather who has known of my aspirations in this field said that he would send me money every week just so that I can focus on doing the internship and pursuing what I loved and not have to worry about gas, food etc. He believed in me and wanted to help me in any way. He paid for my gas to and from and provided financially for a 3 month period. The owner and his wife against their normal rule of hiring non college interns hired me onto the internship b/c they loved my zeal and saw something in me. Unfortunately, they had started filming a new movie (with ben Affleck) and left for location to start filming. That left me with the next in command  *que horror music* –  the Assistant. The Assistant was an OBVIOUS flaming gay guy who everyone knew was gay except he and his parents (how the hell anyone didn’t know he was gay is beyond me, but,  whatever). He had issues and hang ups which I believed stemmed from is inability to own up to his homosexuality. And thus, he took his frustration, anger and misery out on all the interns there.   he abused and treated all of the interns (myself included) HORRIBLY. Finally when the other interns left to return back to school, I was the only one left.

As a result of the abuse, one day I went for lunch, sat in my car crying uncontrollably and went home to never return  back to that office.  The two owners called begging me to come back but I was so over it at that point I couldn’t. I was once again DEVASTATED and discouraged and felt like a failure. On top of that I felt like a failure b/c I thought I was going to be married and found out my b/f of 2 years had 2 children behind my back. I didn’t have any friends whose shoulder I could cry on b/c they were all in different states.

So I got a regular 9-5 job and made up some insane reason on why I decided to put my filmmaking dreams on hold.  My grandfather passed away a year later. I allowed that *queue horror music* Assistant  loser to steal my passion from me and I stopped pursuing a film career. As a result, I started doing regular 9-5 jobs that I was not really happy with but paid the bills.

 

SO why did I tell all of that? During this time I was still in  my early 20’s. With each devastation I was gaining weight and falling off the wagon in terms of taking care of myself. I have ALWAYS wanted to be married with kids and I have ALWAYS been a girl who has taken care of herself and my appearance. Before I knew it I stopped caring. during the time I should have been focusing on finding a husband I was 25 and FAT. I don’t even remember how or where all the weight came from, but it piled on fairly quickly.  And I spent MOST of my mid 20’s and early 30’s being FAT.  I had started realizing at one point that maybe I should take the weight off. But During these years the whole fat acceptance meme started hitting big. I had people LYING to me telling me I was “beautiful” and any man would be “lucky to have me” and that I shouldn’t focus on my weight b/c weight doesn’t matter and that there are men who will “love me for me” yada yada yada.  I had family members telling me “nobody wants a bone but a DOG!”. I listened to that baloney for TEN, let me repeat TENNNNNNNNN YEARS (my PRIME YEARS) and believed it. I really believed these people and the media telling me that being fat and overweight was just FIIINE.  While I am still quite not where I need or want to be, I am getting there. But now I my in my mid 30’s. Past the usual desirable age to find a husband and have children. I should have been focusing on this when I was in my mid 20’s. but b/c I was FAT I wasn’t attracting any man worth quality.

There is *nothing * attractive about being overweight. TRUST ME. I look at myself when I was at a normal weight and look at myself when at my highest weight and look at myself now.  15lbs makes a HUUUUGE difference in your appearance. So no one can tell me that weight doesn’t matter.  I have a guardian angle looking over me b/c I still have managed to keep my youthful appearance. But weight/obesity and fat doesn’t look good on ANYONE. It will DESTROY YOUR BEAUTY and YOUR HEALTH. IT destroyed my beauty for TEN YEARS let me repeat TENNNNNN YEARS – the most prime years of my life. And when my doctor told me if I didn’t do something now b/c of my age that it would start destroying my health I saw the writing on the wall. While I am not one to say it s”too late” for anything, if I can warn or advise another young woman to avoid the mistakes I did, I will. Please listen to me when I tell you – especially if you are a young  Black woman that has been told its okay to be thick fat – ITS NOT OK. DO not waste the best years of your beauty and youth being fat.

Some people may be asking what is fat vs. curvy?  The word curvy is often thrown around so loosely. The best way I can differentiate the two is (and this is  coming from someone who has been both) that if you have ANY FAT ROLLS you are FAT. Let me repeat. If you have any kind of fat rolls you are FAT. not curvy. not thick. but FAT.  Please lets stop lying to ourselves and listening to the media. Its NEVER ok to be fat b/c its not healthy and it steals your natural beauty. I just feel this needs to be said and said coming not from a skinny girl on the outside looking in, but a former and will be former Fat girl who knows the truth and who has lost the prime years of her life being FAT for no reason at all besides feeling sorry for myself and believing the HYPE that “fat is fabulous”.  I am so fricking mad at myself for falling for the okey doke.   so many women don’t want to face the facts that you lower your Market Value in the dating/mating arena when you are fat. I lost TEN YEARS of my PRIME BEAUTY being fat and pushing myself out of the market. I will go so far as to say I would have easily been a hard 8 or soft 9 (to some) in my prime years  if I had taken care of myself and my body.

Now, I still have my beauty and still have a ways to go before I am where I need or want to be physically. But I want to put this out to the universe for any young woman still in her  prime who may stumble accidently across this blog. Being fat is not fun, fabulous, fearless, fantastic, ferocious, fine, feminine or any other positive adjective that starts with an F. Being fat/overweight/obese steals your health, your natural beauty and your ability to compete for the best mates in the dating/mating arena. I want to give you the ten years I so tragically threw away for myself.  

So. I’ll see you on the other side?  hopefully…..If not, then don’t say Neecy didn’t warn you!

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44 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. n/a
    Aug 03, 2011 @ 10:00:57

    Neecy,

    There was nothing rambling about your post; if only all women were so honest with themselves and others. I gave you a little guff when you first hit Roissy’s, but that was just to see what you’d dish back. By now I’ve read plenty of what you’ve written and I think you’re an exceptionally sweet and bright girl.

    I think you’ll wind up with a good husband and a few kids. I wish you the best.

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    • Neecy
      Aug 03, 2011 @ 16:27:44

      Aww thank you N/A! I can be a doe doe bird at times but I think i have *some* brain matter left. LOL

      I am content now that if I don’t get married or have kids I will be okay 🙂

      Everything happens for a reason. I’m glad I didn’t end up marryimg that football player b/c turns out he was having extramarital affairs on the side and got sued by one of his mistresses. LOL

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  2. Zorro
    Aug 03, 2011 @ 10:23:49

    A filmmaker? Wow. I went to school to be a writer (hence my obsession with books and nitpicking other people’s grammar and spelling). I should have gone to L.A. myself. The best books on storytelling I ever read were by Hollywood people. I’m currently reading Memo From the Story Dept. by Christopher Vogler and David McKenna. I also have The Writer’s Journey,/i> by Vogler, Story by Robert McKee and Inside Story: The Power of the Transformational Arc by Dr. Dara Marks. Hollywood people are so much better at teaching story than the NYC publishing community, and I worked in Manhattan at Putnams for a brief stint.

    Good luck with the weight loss (I’ve already told you how I did it). If you want to be a filmmaker, don’t give up. Success in something you don’t want is failure covered in frosting. The only rule of life I can attest to is you never take no for an answer when you know what you want.

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    • Neecy
      Aug 03, 2011 @ 16:33:27

      Zorro i too wanted to be a screenwriter but I’m so lazy. I’d rather do the creative part but I have so many great story ideas I just have to get them down on paper and write. i was actually a very good writer at one time, but I stopped and lost the knack. I am hopeful that by just writing on this blog it can get better.

      You have been quite helpful with the info on the weight loss so I am doing the low carb thing this month at your suggestion.

      “Success in something you don’t want is failure covered in frosting. The only rule of life I can attest to is you never take no for an answer when you know what you want.”

      I am finally getting all my senses back in the last year. And I am slowly getting my body back, and slowly working towards my calling and passions again.

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  3. Liza207
    Aug 03, 2011 @ 14:34:01

    Neecy, that’s it . This blog is your journal for you to express your thoughts and viewpoints. And so far, you are on fire!

    Yes, I know that you’re a filmmaker because we talked about working on a project, that I hope you are still considering. It’s never too late to make your mark as a filmmaker.

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    • Neecy
      Aug 03, 2011 @ 16:39:50

      LIZA,

      I just want to say i believe God sent you in my life. No seriously, I had prayed and asked God to start leading me towards my dreams and I noticed he started putting like minded people in my path. You are one of the main people. We click on so many things and I really believe we can accomplish that project.

      I was out with one of my co workers last night. WE had dinner and just talked for a long time about our jobs etc. He was saying how he felt stagnat and unfulfilled and I said the same. He asked me how long I had planned on doing this job and I told im by next year I hope to be out on my own pursuing my passions and that I didn’t want to waste anymore of my life putting my dreams and desires on hold.

      This blog is the first step b/c I know my writing is bad and so I avoided starting a blog b/c of it.

      Anyway, i am sooo on board for that project adn i think we need to start brainstorming and putting things together.

      I eventually hope to start doing video posts, but i am so technically challenged I wouldn’t know what the hell to do. LOL

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      • Liza207
        Aug 03, 2011 @ 17:01:21

        Neecy, I’m teary eyed right now, really I am. I too believe that God does send people into your life at a certain point and time to help you accomplish very important goals. And I believe that we were both bought together to help one another accomplish something very important and special.

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      • Neecy
        Aug 03, 2011 @ 17:08:43

        (((Cyberhugging my homie Liza))))))

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      • Liza207
        Aug 03, 2011 @ 17:23:39

        ((((A Big Cyber Hug to you too, Neecy))))

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  4. Maya
    Aug 03, 2011 @ 14:41:40

    Neecy, I like your post a lot! Thanks for being so honest. You are very sweet and adorable!

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  5. Maya
    Aug 03, 2011 @ 14:43:39

    I checked your profile … Between a feminist and a doormat :DDD

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  6. Mindful
    Aug 03, 2011 @ 16:40:17

    Neecy,
    Let me say a few things:
    1. Better late than never.
    2. You can choose to look at the glass half full or half empty.
    3. At the end of the day, there are only two types of people, those who get it and those who don’t. And you got it.
    4. Now go out there and live your best life. If it is a family and children you need, put the effort into getting what you want.

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    • Neecy
      Aug 03, 2011 @ 16:47:16

      Hi MINDFUL!

      Thank you so much! You are right. The first step to overcoming your obstacle is to realize there was one and how it became an obstacle and how you can and will ovecome it. I seriously am finally getting my brain matter back and realizing its not the end of the world. I also believe everything happens for a reason and has its own time and place. I feel like I am starting my life over again. And even if I don’t get married or have kids i am okay with that b/c i feel that if something doesn’t happen it wasn’t meant for me. Either way i will still pursue my dreams and continue focusing on getting my physical health at its prime again. 🙂

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      • Mindful
        Aug 03, 2011 @ 16:55:52

        Well you have my full support.(For whatever that is worth.) I made a decision last year to start being selfish and put myself on my own do-to-list and here I am.

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      • Neecy
        Aug 03, 2011 @ 17:03:00

        That’s it Mindful! I am all about putting self first. if you don’t who will? And how can you help another person if you can’t help yourself? BTW are you are girl or a guy? Just curious 🙂

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  7. Liza207
    Aug 03, 2011 @ 16:45:38

    I’m glad you addressed the whole “fat acceptance” issue. It has gotten out of control. I went through a period in my life when I gain a lot of weight too in my late twenties. This may sound strange but I gained it on purpose, although, I wasn’t fully conscious at the time that’s what I was doing. I had been dealing with a lot of sexual harassment from men at work, on the streets and my apartment building when I first moved out on my own at twenty-two after leaving college. I was on my own in the real world for the first time. Although, I lived on campus–I was the type that just kept to myself and saw guys as a distraction from my studies. So, I had very little experience with men. I was finally on my own and I had my first apartment and was pursuing a career in modeling/acting/singing/songwriting. I encountered so many scumbags in the entertainment industry and you know what a lot of them wanted from me. I have a certain look that has always gotten me a lot of male attention but I had the protection of my family. But when I left home I separated from them due to some issues we were having (they weren’t happy with my career direction). I was now totally on my own and living alone and I immediately felt like a kitten being thrown to the wolves. It was horrible and I didn’t know how to handle it due to my lack of experience with men. I was dealing with a lot of emotional and mental abuse from the men around me because I wouldn’t give them my time and attention that they demanded. It was the most insane thing. I should have involved my family but I didn’t want them to think that I couldn’t handle life on my own. This was going on at work (I use to office temp), I was also finding it hard to get work in entertainment industry because I wouldn’t do “what it takes” and where I lived (my first apartment was in a bad neighborhood and the apartment building that was mostly inhibited by a lot of single men. It was me and lesbian who lived there at the time) the men there put me through hell and I had some trouble with the lesbian too. I was never a woman that was always seeking male attention. I was always pretty secure with myself and didn’t need male validation to feel good about myself, so being pursued relentlessly by men wasn’t very flattering to me, especially when I had no interest in them.

    After a few years, it all became too overwhelming and not making much headway in the my chosen career. I just wanted to be invisible. I just didn’t want men wanting me or desiring me anymore and I stopped caring about my appearance. I just didn’t care about what I put in my body anymore and before that I watch what I ate and worked out regularly (before that I could wear belly shirts with anyone batting an eye) that all stopped for me. I really packed the pounds on. I loved supersizing everything and it was so comforting and it felt really good just eating whatever I wanted and not caring for the first time in my adult life. And yes, I achieved my goal of receiving very little male attention (nothing can make a woman more invisible to men then being fat, accept for the “chubby chasers”– I encountered a couple of these guys-creeps) and I was fine with that because that’s what I wanted at the time. I also stopped pursuing acting, modeling and singing and like you I took a regular job. I still write songs, though.

    Anyway, I continued doing this for two years and at a point I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror anymore (especially naked). What finally snapped me out it was when I went for a physical and my doctor told me that my cholesterol was dangerously high and that if I didn’t lose the weight I was going to suffer a coronary at 28. I got the wakeup call I needed. I knew there was a better way to deal with my issues and I believe that there are other black women who do this in order to fend out unwanted male attention as well. They (like me) lacked the coping skills to deal this issue without distorting their beauty in order to feel safe.

    Neecy, I’m sorry for the long post. It’s like I’m journaling on your blog.

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    • Neecy
      Aug 03, 2011 @ 16:59:50

      Liza this is your blog too. You encouraged me to start it and we have always been homies on the other blogs when people were constantly jumping down my throat, you had my back ALWAYS. You can write anything you want and i don’t care how long your post is. In fact, if you ever want to guest write please feel free to do tat.

      Its so true Liza. A lot of Black women distort their bodies by gaining weight to not be attractive to men whome have abused them in the past. Body distortion is body distortion whether you are starving yourself, binging and purging or stuffing your face until you become overweight and unhealthy looking.

      People don’t realize that being fat and overeating *IS* an eating disorder. They think eating disorders are simply for women who starve themselves or binge and purge and its not. We live in a society where they tell Black women its okay to be fat “b/c you are still beautiful”. That is such BS. And its time for Black women to stop making excuses. b/C no matter the reason you got fat, your body doesn’t care. It will react accordingly by filling itself with disease.

      I think everyone has coping mechanisms. You at the time did what you felt you needed to do to survive, but you came out of it and that is key. Its never too late to have a light bulb moment and I am glad we are having ours!

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  8. Liza207
    Aug 03, 2011 @ 17:10:00

    Yes, I do remember it just being the two of us against the rest of them. Crazy! By the way, we must address some the hypocrisy at those blog. In fact, I plan on doing a quest post on that very subject soon. Thanks for the invite.

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    • Liza207
      Aug 03, 2011 @ 17:30:07

      I just want to know if that is a subject you would like broached here. If not, I won’t go there. I know it’s a touchy topic.

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  9. Liza207
    Aug 03, 2011 @ 17:21:12

    Yes, we do need to start working on ideas very soon. We’ll figure it all out.

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  10. LoboSolo
    Aug 03, 2011 @ 18:26:40

    I wish more people were honest about their weight. I looked in the mirror one day and wonder who that was looking back at me. I was up to a 247 lbs and 36″ waist. At 6’3″ I didn’t look “fat” but I had lost my V-shaped torso … I’m not back down to a 32″ waist with my abs clearly visible.

    If I ever finish my Great American novel(s), maybe you’ll get a shot at directing one of them for a movie! 🙂

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    • Neecy
      Aug 04, 2011 @ 05:31:26

      OMG isn;t it crazy at how sometimes weight gain creeps up and csatches up to you when you are not careful? Oh and that V thingy _ DAYUM! What is that thing called b/c its puuure hotness. I have been searching the internet high and low for YEARS to get the actual name of that v shape towards a man’s pelvis. LOL (sorry TMI again yall) 🙂

      I am going to be a filmmaker. i’m claiming it again. And I would be soooo happy to work on your novels and turn them into movies!!

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  11. Marellus
    Aug 03, 2011 @ 23:37:27

    Neecy.

    Good post. I find it hard to believe that you could put up with the denial of your weight for such a long time.

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    • Neecy
      Aug 04, 2011 @ 05:27:29

      Sometimes complacency with support lasts a lot longer than it should. I was just so caught up in feeling sorry for myself i don’t think i really cared. I’m just glad I woke up. There are plenty of people who never do until its really too late and their health has started rapidly declining.

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  12. xytek2k2
    Aug 04, 2011 @ 02:37:52

    You told it like it is from your view point.. I respect that. I agree wholeheartedly. Watch out for the Nay sayers.. they love to bash and put in THEIR view points as fact, when in essence it is JUST their view point.. nothing more.. nothing less.. Kudos!

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    • Neecy
      Aug 04, 2011 @ 05:28:47

      hi XYE! Thanks for stopping in and reading and thanks for your support!! I have learned to ignore the naysayers. i have had enough of them in my life that i realize the best way to handle them is with a long wooden splintery spoon. 🙂

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  13. Brasil61
    Aug 07, 2011 @ 10:45:42

    Neecy
    A for honesty..yet can I critique w a friendly voice?
    people seldom can understand themselves or how the choices they make deliver to them results you are attempting to look at this and advise others..share care ..I get it

    Do you want to be effective or popular or emote in a way to release?

    I know you will choose effective so to do that ..Here and now…you need to look at your values, work habits, and the hardest of all MOTIVES for why you made and make choices.

    The way I look at it you were swayed from your potential (and timeline as I expect you are on the path now to achieving yours) not by being overweight but by poor values and work ethic. Being overweight was a side effect of you never learning to focus and design your life clearly or the motives of your actions. Good design starts with simplicity and simplicity starts with a set of values.

    Examine yours ..look in ..your weight is important but only a side effect of deeper fundamental and universal issues for success.

    There are many great sources today for understanding how you can design your life. My guess, you seem feminine and comfortable with yourself and expressing your emotions about things..doesn’t seem to be much structural damage (sexual abuse as a child, drug addiction ect) so you may want to look into what will be least comfortable to you …non emotional, non feminine direction …design, logic, clarity, competing at optimum, being effective, how things actually work and it’s probably why you were attracted to CR.

    Why I say this is it will give you the quickest results without massaging your ego or feminine desires.. you’d be forced to discard what doesn’t work quickly.. and add to and build off what is working.

    Imagine you are an instrument ..you want to learn how to play ..you need to start with the basics how your instrument works.. emotion intellect intuition instinct body.

    Not to start with what type of music you want to play ..or how great a star you will be..or any goals for now all that is meaningless. You dont know if your a drum, a guitar or a piano..and you certainly dont know how to use the 5 aspects of your instrument to get peak performance.

    I

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    • Neecy
      Aug 07, 2011 @ 18:51:45

      BRASIL

      This is such a touching message coming from someone I don’t know. And yet so very true and real. I thank you and I will defintley take heed to many of the suggesstions you have made b/c they hit so close to home. 🙂

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  14. Brasil61
    Aug 07, 2011 @ 10:56:28

    ps part of my comment was cut off ..lol I did not end abruptly..however what I wrote is lost in cyberspace..

    good luck to you..you have a good heart..

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    • Neecy
      Aug 07, 2011 @ 18:52:48

      UGH BRASIL! Its like getting all worked up during foreplay and it stops abruptly. Darn you!!! LOL But i got the meat of the message which counts and I really thank you for your encouragement!! 🙂

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  15. Arawn
    Aug 11, 2011 @ 09:07:13

    Ah! Since everybody loves talking about themselves (women AND men 🙂 here’s my story. I’ll try to make it short.

    I deffer from you and Liza in that I started to gain weight when I was a child. When I was 12 I remember already being chubbier than my skinny classmates and thinking about dieting. Never did it though, because I read it’s not good for a kid to be on a diet and I wasn’t obese. Some kids are chubby and then lose everything when teenage hits so there’s was still hope. Unfortunately I went for the wrong direction and during senior classes and high school my weigh just piled in…

    Of course I’ve tried to analyze later why this happened but I’m still not sure. All my family members and relatives are normal weight or even skinny excluding some older ladies but gained weight in their old days. For some reason my parents didn’t really do anything about my wight. Dad occasionally commented something and my mom insisted upon dressing me into lose clother to hide my fat but that’s it. My diet was very poor, I got chocolate cookis or pudding for the breakfast, ate french fries and meat balls for supper and bought candies in schoold. Noboby tried to monitor my eating. Dad is an artist who has no interested to look after kids and mom was always working so it left me to feed myself. And you can guess what happens when a child gets to decide what she’ll eat.

    I’m not exactly bitter or angry at my parents but I do think that one of the worst things you can do to your child is to let him/her becone fat. It does things to your body that can never be undone even if this child loses her/his extra kilos in later life and it’s more difficult to drop habits you learned in childhood than those you learned when grown up. I used to always eat something when I read and I read a lot, because I was lonely and bullied at school. Even today I really like to eat and read even though I mostly restrain myself and save it only to special occasions (very good book and some very yummy stuff).

    Anyway, at sweet 18 I was huge. And it was utter hell. You say that you beliebed this “big is bueatiful” lie but either I never really encountered it or it never got to my head. I hated myself, fiercely and complitely. And even worse, I was ashamed. I know that many men in manosphere think that shaming is a good way to get fatties to lose weight but I disagree. Being ashamed of yourself is very painful and people want to escape that feeling. Fatties will escape to food. And what is even more sad is that shame doesn’t disappear with kilos. My weight is normal now and at my best I’m pretty attractive and hot. And yet I’m still ashamed and still hate myself and my body. No matter how many men compliment me or how many times my bf says he loves me and my body, I still hate it.

    Well, as said, I’m normal weight now. At 18 I couldn’t stand myself anymore so I started losing weight. It was hard and I didn’t wrong at first dieting too strictly. Now I’m a binge eater, how nice… And it’s still difficult for me to stay thin because as I said at Heartiste, I truly am lazy AND I love eating. I reward myself with chocolate and if I feel bad I console myself with chocolate, too. And of course my impulse control is pretty lousy, I cannot eat just one piece if there’s more available. I’ll eat everything anf then feel bad physically and emotionally. That’s why I never keep anything yummy and unhealthy at home. This is also something many normally thin people just don’t understand. Poor impulse control is a part of personality, it’s not something you can change complitely. However, you can learn to live with it and that is what should be encouraged. I think many people are fat because they are lazy and have a poor impulse control and for them saying that “oh, losing weight is just so easy” is not very helpful. For them it is not easy and once they encounter setbacks, they’ll think that they are utter failures. “If losing weight is so easy and I can’t do even THAT, what am I worth? Nothing. Nothing matters. I’ll just go and stuff myself with chocolate. Snif.”

    I’m still not happy with my body because even though my weight is ok, I’m “skinny fatty” or whatever it’s called in English. I got my body fat measured couple of months ago and fat persentage was 31 %, which is above normal. So now I’m trying to reduce amount of body fat. Not an easy task for a person who’s not alover of exercize but I’ll just keep trying.

    It would’ve been nice to be a normal teenager. I’m not regretful, but sometimes I wistfully think how it feel when you’re 18 and pretty, when you’re showered with male attention and everything that comes with being thin, attractive and young. Well, ok, I was thin at 21, but I still lost all my teenage years. While other girls were dating and having fun, I was totally convinced that I would be never loved or have a boyfriend of my own. I believed that there could be no man who would desire me sexually (which is funny because I did see fat girls getting laid and having nice boyfriends. Somehow I just didn’t believe that would happen to me). That has been fixed now but still, it would be nice if I could stop hating my body… Oh well, maybe time will help. Or something.

    That’s it, no more rambling. 🙂

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    • Neecy
      Aug 12, 2011 @ 03:16:59

      ARWAN
      (this post will be the length of war and peace so hope you can get through it lol)

      Thank you for sharing your experience and story. You are so right. Its more tragic when a child develops bad eating habits b/c their parents do not teach or control what they eat. I feel that is a form of child abuse and should be recognized as such. Children should be allowed to be children without the worry of doing things that their parents are supposed to instill and teach them so they can have a good and healthy life. Its so heartbreaking to see overweight children b/c its not them its their parents. And these children as you say end up developing life long unhealthy eating habits that are very hard to break. Not to mention the scores of young children who are developing diabetes very early and don’t even know what the heck that is or what life they will have with such a disease.

      its very hard to admit to things when you are a woman who has been or is overweight. And you are right – after awhile it does become shameful. And sometimes being shameful will cause a person to lose weight in the wrong unsafe way never really dealing with the root of what causes them to not care about their physical body to take care of it.

      I can tell you that losing weight alone doesn’t create happiness and can cause a downward spiral into other destructive habits for any person who isn’t doing it with the right mind. I had a neighbor who she and I became pretty close who was a make up artist in the porn industry. She was not FAT but she was not thin by any means. She was very voluptuous and could stand to lose some weight, but she certainly wasn’t obese or fat. Beautiful girl no matter her weight. She was a natural blonde who dyed her hair platinum and it looked beautiful, she had pretty eyes and great skin and a great shape. But she didn’t see it.

      I guess b/c of her working around thin attractive women daily and making them pretty took a toll on her self-esteem and she decided she needed to lose weight (which i agreed would have done her some good). We both would sit and encourage each other, but at that time I don’t think I was really mentally ready to change my weight. She was with her b/f for 4 years. He was not a conventionally attractive guy. She was much better looking that he was. He was chubby himself and nerdy looking. I remember at one point they both went on Nutri system and failed. But he treated her like a queen and loved and accepted her as is (which is not always a good thing b/c it causes complacency).

      Anyway, she started taking diet pills, eating strange diets and starving herself. And within 2-3 months she lost like 40 lbs. I will say she looked amazing. She also went and got a boob job (she already had perfect breasts in the d range that were already perky). But she wanted the fake boob look. And I remember sitting in her living room thinking I should do what she did after she offered to help me lose the weight the way she did. She told me my life would change and how she is getting hit on more etc. But I was terrified of diet pills and I could never starve myself or eat soup broth for days on end. So I chickened out.

      Well, she ended up dumping her dumpy b/f and started hanging out with a new crowd of people (from the porn industry). She was also bedding hot guys (bad boys) in her apt. as she said she never enjoyed sex with her ex b/f. I remember being sooo tempted to follow her weight loss ritual after seeing how things were turning around for her. I went out with her a few times to happy hour with some girls that she made up in the porn industry and these girls were young & beautiful and very nice – but very damaged (just by observing & interacting with them). They did some really embarrassing things one night at the sports bar we were at and I decided I didn’t want to be around people who acted like that (they were group kissing, kissing and licking on guys they didn’t even know, etc.).

      To make a long story short. She went from binge eating and doing crazy diets to developing another destructive habit – that is? Pain medicine, weed and god knows what other drugs as a way to get buzzed. She started sleeping with some shady doctor who wrote RX’s for pain meds. I would call her and her speech would be soo slurred I couldn’t even hold a convo with her it was that bad. And I know she does drugs and pain killers now b/c it helps her stay focused off of eating poorly and trying to maintain loosing such a high amount of weight in a very short time.

      She did not deal with the MENTAL part of her life long binge eating and poor eating. And now she needs a way to cope when she starts feeling the need to binge and eat poorly – drugs. So its very easy to go from one bad habit to another if you don’t first deal with the root of the issue for the first bad/unhealthy habit.

      She also got engaged and married to a male porn star who is just… I have no words. But I remember one day she told me “I thought my life was going to be so perfect after losing the weight and its not”. I will never forget that. I haven’t spoken to her in over a year since I moved, but I do pray and hope she is okay and not doing porn herself. I believed she was readying herself to start doing porn b/c she mentioned that a lot of the producers were offering her opportunities to make a lot of money doing porn after she lost all the weight. I told her I would never speak to her if she did that (jokingly) but I would be devastated if she did start doing porn.

      She moved out of the apt. complex within 6 months of losing the weight and we lost contact after a year (I tried calling her several times to see how she was doing and her mailbox was always full) bow her number has changed so I have no idea how she is. She was definitely on a downward spiral.

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      • Liza207
        Aug 12, 2011 @ 19:16:23

        This story is really sad. It sounds like a storyline from a lifetime movie. I hope she is doing well. My god, why would you marry a pornstar? She really had some issues concering her image.

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      • Neecy
        Aug 12, 2011 @ 19:43:58

        Liza I really believe that is what she is doing. She stopped calling me back after a point and then when I tried leaving her messages her mailbox was full. Before when she was just doing make up for these girls she would hang out with her b/f and other girls in the complex (who wasn’t involved in the porn industry). I think the turning point too was one girl whose make up she did in Vegas for the Porn star awards (lol yes they have awards shows) called her a “fat assed cow” in front of everyone in the studio b/c they were arguing about some money she owed my neighbor for doing her make up. *sigh*

        That comment really bothered her and embarrassed her b/c she said everyone took up for the thin attractive girl and laughed at her and said she was just “jealous” of the porn chick b/c she was hotter and she should be glad she was allowed to do her make up. She said she lost a lot of work after that as well b/c this girl (who was very well known in the porn circles) bad mouthed her to everyone. So I believe she wanted to prove to everyone she could be just as beautiful (this girl was a natural beauty better looking than any worn out looking porn star). Its so sad.

        Then she moved out of the apt. and had this girl who moved from Chicago who came to LA to do porn take over the rest of her lease. My neighbor at this point had moved into a house with her then porn star b/f. Then one day she was visiting the girl and in BROAD DAY LIGHT she came to the window as I was walking tot he car port and was like “look!” and lifted up her shirt to reveal these insanely huge fake breasts. I was just speechless. This chick had natural d perky boobs! She didn’t even need implants. I was like why did you do that. I believe she was preparing herself to do porn. She also started getting botox injections. And she was only 24. Shame.

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      • Liza207
        Aug 12, 2011 @ 19:54:21

        I am just SMH, Neecy.

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      • Neecy
        Aug 12, 2011 @ 20:04:09

        Its a crazy world out there. That is why I am all about keeping my sanity & emotional well being balanced. Lack of such will cause a person to do some crazy shit.

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      • Arawn
        Aug 13, 2011 @ 06:11:38

        Insecurity. That’s what it is. Personally I think that for an insecure woman there’s no worse place to work than some place where you’re surrounded by thin, hot women.

        I’ve been normal weight now for almost a decade so I know quite well than becoming thin doesn’t make you happy. It helps but still, as you said, one has to deal with the mental shit that comes from being fat and in my case it goes pretty deep because I was wounded when I was in my most vulnerable state, a teenager who’s trying to find her womanhood. Funny thing is I know most of my mental handicaps but still it’s very difficult to let them go. Especially when I’m feeling emotionally weak I often succumb to them totally.

        But still I’ll be rather thin with these mental fuck ups than fat. Being fat SUCKS. And not just because of outer beauty things. It’s very burdensome physically. I remember climbing stairs to our apartment at 4th floor almost killed me and running was absolutely horrible. I could run like for a minute. My knees hurt often without any explainable reason and I kept twisting my ankles. All this disappeared with weight loss and it’s not wonder because all excess kilos are a huge strain on joints, especially on knees.

        So all this “big is beautiful” is utter crap and I honestly don’t believe that ANYONE would rather be obese than thin. You can be slightly chubby and healthy if you exercise and eat mostly healthily but anything more that that is just bad for you.

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      • Neecy
        Aug 13, 2011 @ 16:40:16

        Arwan,

        Congrats on keeping your weight off for so long and also catching on early enough! I can’t imagine its easy but you have done quite well considering your challenges. You think its tough being the ugly fat teenager who was picked on and felt left out b/c of your weight. Try going from being pretty with a killer figure and popular as a teen and through college to being un pretty and fat later in life. I think it’s the same effect. Luckily for you, you caught your issue early and allowed yourself time in your later years to develop healthy habits. It was the opposite for me and its much harder as you get older to lose a ton of weight and keep it off.

        Its just the wrong message being sent out about weight. You’re right I don’t think anyone prefers being big over healthy and at a normal weight. It really bothers me when the media tells Black women especially that they have “curves” when its really fat rolls. That burns me up b/c so many Black women believe this. These same women will often truly wonder why no man wants them. They will say stuff like “I am educated, nice” etc. But when you tell them to loose weight they simply don’t believe that it’s an obstacle in the dating world. Its really sad at how people can be so easily brainwashed.

        its not only physically unappealing but takes a toll internally. Humans were not made to be obese or fat. Granted the food industry is making a killing of keeping people fat and addicted to foods that increase their weight. All the preservatives and ingredients they add in so many foods causes so much weight gain.

        Humans were meant to consume fresh foods, veggies and meat. The minute we started on the processed foods people started blowing up.

        The thing about working around hot and thin women is it can have two different effects based on the person: They either get motivated by constantly seeing these thin and hot women and start doing what they need to do to fit in, or they become so greatly depressed about not looking that way, that they just continue to eat themselves into an oblivion to help with the discomfort of not feeling pretty enough. I think my neighbor fell on both ends of the spectrum. She wanted to look like them but she chose an unhealthy path to get there – and in the process to help curb her need for poor foods and binging, she developed other destructive habits that will physically take a toll on her body both internally and externally.

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  16. Jock E Strap
    Aug 11, 2011 @ 17:33:07

    Nearly every person knocking you probably has some type of regrets along the way so look forward and blaze and a new trail dont look back.

    It’s hard to learn from others mistakes so your appeal will likely fall on deaf ears but if it helps one person I guess it was ok or therapy for you.

    You probably have a few spin off posts on hindsight signs you were being gamed in the relationship and how you would have put the intern boss in his place if it happened now.

    JOCK

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    • Neecy
      Aug 12, 2011 @ 02:41:23

      You’re right Jock. At some point a person has to understand to let things go and not harbor any bitterness. i allowed those situaitons to consume me and how I felt about myself in a negative way. but i was still very young. And with youngness sometimes comes s inexperience to deal with obstacles or hurt.

      I feel I am now in a much better place to pursue my dreams and passions. i will be a filmmaker and will be successful b/c I have had it in my heart since a young child.

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