I tried coming up with some cutesy clever attention grabbing title and all I could muster up was ARGGGGH!
Ladies, You know that ARRRRGGGGH feeling you get when you are standing in
Starbucks Coffee Bean, on the train, at the gas station, in the Grocery store, at work, at the Happy Hour Sports Bar, WALMART uuuuh maybe Target is better (Not sure you want to pick up any dudes at Walmart), ETC… You are in these places and there he is – The cutie who kinda smiles and makes googly eyes at you. You smile back with the same googly eyed expression and then he just stands there. And at that moment , as you two are having your googly eye stand off to see who is going to make the first move, you want to grab a bullhorn, pull a Clint Eastwood, and reach down in your purse ever so slowly and quickly grab a gun that when you pull the trigger instead of bullets a paper sign falls down reading:
“I’M A TRADITIONAL OLD SCHOOL GIRL. I DON’T BELIEVE IN APPROACHING MEN FIRST AND THAT IS WHY I SMILED BACK AT YOU AND MADE GOOGLY EYES. THEREFORE, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COME AND TALK TO ME (no, not about the weather), ASK ME FOR MY PHONE NUMBER, AND/OR RAVAGE ME RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!!! Thank you!”.
Okay I am kidding about the “ravage” part… Well just a *WITTLE* bit serious – BE NICE YALL its been awhile!.
Meanwhile, While all this is happening (you and cutie boy are having a googly eye standoff) enters Mr. Bojangles the toothless , old, stank bum OR crackhead OR both who hasn’t bathed or had a job since auto correction tape on typewriters was the BOMB – has no qualms *whatsoever* with stepping right in the middle of the standoff asking you for your phone number, a ride back to your place, dinner and a movie – oh and some spare change. Yet Mr. SHY CUTIE who has all his teeth, a functioning brain, a job, and who bathes regularly won’t even come out and ask for what he wants from you.
Now some of you may be thinking that the bigger problem here is not the shy guy not asking for what he wants but rather, why the homeless man OR crackhead is trying to get with/holler at me. Well to that I say, we can look at this two ways:
(1) Ya, its really shitty that bums & crackheads find me attractive and try to holler at me. *super angry face*
(2) YA! That’s so flattering and really cool (I think…. ) that men of all walks of life find me attractive! From the shy cuties to (ahem) crackheads annnnnd HOMELESS BUMS! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Since NEECY likes to look at the glass half full, I’m going with number 2. *confused face*
*HELLO PEOPLE! The Homeless/crackhead man is not the point here – HUMOR ME please and stay on topic! UGH.*
Okay where was i. Oh so back to MR. SHY CUTIE. he just stands there. Or in more frustrating instances, he may actually muster up the courage to actually say something to you. However, it usually revolves around:
– The weather OR
– The weather OR
– The weather OR
– The weather …
do we see a pattern here? YES the topic of discussion is always about – the WEATHER!
But what he *really* wants to talk about is how hot you look, how he wants the digits and wants to get to know you better beyond where you two are standing at that moment of initial contact. But for whatever reason he clams up and can’t just come out and say it. He’s hoping that you make the first move.
Nowadays, this happen a lot. So now women (thanks feminism!!) just throw their hands up and go after the guy they want. They skip all the subtle hints, clues and body language that most women used to do back in the day to let men know that they were interested. So if you’re a new age woman/man, this post may seem somewhat silly and really outdated. But if you are more traditional or shy, you understand this frustration mainly b/c you believe that men are biologically wired to be the hunters and not women.
The problem is two fold. Today, men are so confused as to how to do anything anymore b/c traditional gender roles have been so screwed up over the last 3 decades, that many will and do expect women to make the first move. Or they will make the first move but are often trying to avoid being rejected or embarerresd b/c they themselves are shy, socially inept or awkward and feel they may screw things up – so they just look and stare and let her go by without realizing she was sending cues to him to say that she wanted him to come and talk to her.
The other problem is that a lot of TRADITIONAL OLD SCHOOL women today are shy and/or don’t even know what kinds of subtle cues they can send to the shy guys to let them in on their interest in having them come over and talk to them. I was one until I started reading relationship blogs and feminine blogs telling women what kinds of signals to send to men. SO if you are a shy woman that doesn’t want to assume the “huntress” position, then you have to learn these cues and really use them and hope and pray that the guy can read them.
So what are those body language cues I learned: (these are basics but some guys really haven’t picked up on this and I feel the PUA blogs don’t cover this). I also don’t feel like researching tons of articles on the WEB to get an almost exhaustive list. So I’m just going to use my common sense, my experience, female intuition and what I have learned by being apart of blogs run by women looking to teach women how to use their body language to attract men. what I am listing is not an exhaustive list by any means – just a basic starting point.
INTIAL VISUAL CONTACT – PRE CONVERSATION
(1) Eye contact is the motherload. Having eye contact or rather holding a gaze with a guy for a very brief moment (think 1-10 seconds) looking away and then looking back with same gaze signals interest. Anything longer ruins it. If you must keep looking at him, you need to look away and back for brief moments as opposed to holding long stares. If you want to add more to it make a slight smile while holding the gaze. Doing a full on grin or cheese smile is not suggested.
(2) Fellas same thing, if you see a woman you find attractive but are shy and not sure, try making brief eye contact with her. And if she holds the gaze for a few seconds AND with a smile while looking away and then looking back with same gaze and smile, then you know its safe to test the waters. If the woman has a look like she just tasted PISS in her morning coffee – maybe not the girl you wanna try and hit up for some digies. Just sayin – common sense rules.
(3) Positioning is also key. Women
in heat looking to gain a man’s attention or who has already gained a man’s attention and wants to take it further will do a number of things based on her personality. I guess all or most women have the same personalities b/c we all typically do the same things. Those things usually consist of the woman positioning herself in a way that shows off her breast best assets to catch or maintain his eye contact.
(4) Fellas: If a woman is standing in a very “open” way or:
– smiling, smiling and looking away and then looking back your way
– drawing attention to her breasts, her butt, her hair, her legs, her outfit, her lips, her eyes, etc.
– flip/playing with her hair, pouting her lips some,
– Adjusting her outfit in a way that draws attention to her chest, butt, legs;
– placing herself closer in proximity to you for easier access to come and talk to her
– Brief frequent looks in your direction but not being obvious that she is looking your way
(5) Looking somewhat confused; looking like she is thinking hard about something WHILE placing the tip of her finger/fingernails in between her front teeth with a sort of squinted yet sultry look on her face (YES I AM
CRAZY! FOR REALZ!) lol Women do this quite often – including myself. I also notice a lot of women do this when they are around attractive guys or guys they want to notice them. I call it the “damsel not so in distress but close to it” look.
These are just some very consistent ways you know a woman has interest. Ultimately, women do a lot of the same things but at different extremes.
Which brings me to my next point – Some of those things I listed may sound like things an airhead or “loose” or a skanky women may do to draw attention to her boobs, butt, hair, lips etc. in more obvious ways but even the most modest of girls can and will find ways to show of her best bodily assets while trying to gain the initial attraction of a guys she wants to approach or notice her.
POST INTIAL VISUAL CONTACT – CONVERSATION/INTERACTION TIME!
Once you read these signals and decide to approach her there are other things that women should and will do to let you know that now she has spoken with you she really likes you and wants to let you know by:
(1) Slightly and playfully touching you ever so often
(2) Laughing, giggly or gleeful smiling (at your really bad/corny jokes ) with her mouth open ; lots of mouth opening/closing (with slight pouted lips) throughout the conversation. IOW’s women SUBTLY will open their mouths a lot while interacting with guys they are attracted to but some will close their mouths poking out their lips SLIGHTLY to reveal its pout
(3) Wide open eyes with many things you say (usually simultaneously while laughing, smiling, giggling with her mouth slightly open while incorporating the eye gaze and/or hair flipping fondling, and positioning)
(4) Slightly tilted head (with lips pouty) while talking
(5) More pitched feminine like voice while talking – IOW”s women just like men adjust their voices to sound more feminine and/or masculine when interacting with those of the opposite sex that they are attracted to
Now some people are probably saying “sounds like a hoochie in training”. NOPE! Women can use these variations on many levels from subtle to OBVIOUS. Most traditional women will teeter these on the line of modesty and subtleness. Other women who are more assertive or inexperienced are really unaware of how to do these things subtly & will often overdue it and make these things obvious – which for a traditional good guy may be a turn off – which makes me wonder if I fit in this category since I rarely get approached by more reserved laid back men. But I believe if done with subtleness it can and does often work to peak a man’s attraction.
Here’s the kicker for me. I’m a SHY GIRL! Liza and I were discussing this and we both discovered something. When we get around a guy we have vibes for we also clam up and sometimes get so caught up in our nervousness we forget know how to turn on the feminine charm. But I found for myself, as I am getting my confidence back after so long, the shyness and nervousness slowly subsides. So here I am talking all this ying yang about how men need to start reading cues, but then they run into super shy girls like myself and Liza who haven’t put into play the very things we need to do to attract the guys. *SIGH*
But I must say as my confidence level has increased over the last year I have started trying these things slowly and YES they work when I do attempt to come out my shell. I find the good guys *are* attracted but never really make a move while the more aggressive types hop on board fairly quickly. So, I don’t know if I have quite figured out the intensity level I should be using them b/c I seem to be attracting the guys I don’t want to take home to momma. So I am working on trying to tweak them and find a nice balance to where I am not turning off the shy and reserved good guys (which I seem to be doing ) and not pulling in the bad boy types.
Back to the woman approaching men thing. I know there are a lot of views on this. Some people say that traditional women who are not getting the traditional shy laid back guys they want, need to let it go already and simply approach a guy they find attractive if he isn’t making a move. I have a problem with that b/c I firmly believe that men should always do the seeking. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard from female friends and acquaintances who said they made the first move and the guys interest tapers off after a short time.
They notice the difference in the guys who approached and came after them vs. the ones they went after. And the end result is the guy who went after them, seemed to have the most interest in them over the long term. I believe this. I don’t think any man would ever turn down a halfway attractive woman who approached him unless she was so repulsive he couldn’t keep his vomit contained. But he just may not be really feeling the girl for whatever reason, but b/c she is ok looking enough to him, he’ll play along for a bit. Usually men have a capacity to store the women they don’t *really* want in the Booty call category or the “when I aint got shit to do” drawer. What woman wants to be *that* woman? Why not play it safe and allow the guys to come to you?
I hear all these stories about women doing online dating sending messages to men they want and like. Many times to never get a response or to get a halfway cordial reply. I’m Like WHY ARE YOU CONTACTING MEN!! All a woman has to do is place her picture and a few words and if a guy wants you he will contact you first. Guys are visual. If they see something they like, they will pursue it. If they don’t its b/c they didn’t like it.
At least this is how I see it. But I am willing to change my views by hearing more from the guys on this matter b/c I am not a man therefore, I cannot speak for men in general. I do know that some men who don’t want to have to do the work to get the woman they want will encourage and tell women to approach them and make the first move. But I don’t want to make assumptions, that is why I will throw this out to the fellas – do you prefer or not prefer for women to approach you and make the first move? Especially if you are more on the shy less confident side. Would it work better if women did make a first move in these instances? Or should women simply send the body language and other cues to get the message of interest across and assume if you don’t respond or follow-up on them that you are not really interested? I would think that would take the frustration out of things for her if more men consistently did this.
Wouldn’t it be easier if men were simply more aware of subtle or even straight forward female body language/cues that let him in on the fact that its okay to come up to her and make conversation showing an interest? I feel there is a big hole in this area missing for males who are having a hard time approaching women. Understanding women’s body language is half the battle. What do you guys think about all of this?