LET’S.JUST.BE.FRIENDS……..M’KAY?

If you’re a guy who has heard this or experienced those unfortunate words from that girl you were head over heels for, please cyber raise your hand. Why? B/C Neecy is going to walk over and give you a hug. 😦

 

I wonder how many men throughout their lifetime fall into this category? You know it’s a girl you like, you assume the  “good guy” that befriends her, gets to know her better, does things to show your appreciation, always there when she needs you –  and  once you feel the momentum has shifted in your favor to make that move and she drops the hammer “I don’t see you that way, can’t we just be friends”.

 

That sucks. Really, really sucks.

 

Now I am not talking about a guy who is *working* his way up to win over a girl. To me,  many men will do this to win over a girl and I think this is perfectly normal. Some situations call for more “getting to know you” time before anyone makes a move to the next level. It doesn’t always have to be right away that intentions are revealed for romantic interest. Often times the sexual/romantic tension building is the fun part of being around a person you are attracted to. The key word here is “ATTRACTED” to.

 

If after a certain period of time, nothing is being reciprocated then the guy needs to ask himself how long he plans on doing this before he moves on with his self-esteem in tact. That time frame may vary in certain situations. But it should be short if you and the girl are interacting physically face to face on a regular basis. Keep in mind this is ONLY in cases where the guy has an actual interest beyond just simply being a cool friend to a girl he doesn’t have any real feelings for but really likes her as a person and enjoys her time or company.

 

So, What does “Let’s just be friends” *REALLY*   mean? Lemme just give it to you straight with no chaser – The gina tingles come on quickly and IMMEDIATLEY when a woman has interacted with a man face-to-face and has an attraction. So if she is LJBF you, she isn’t feeling you in a romantic way at all.

 

The question and confusion that leaves guys bewildered is that they did everything that they felt they were supposed to do to win that woman’s affections only to be relegated to the “let’s Just Be Friends” corner.

 

The problem they didn’t see or understand up front before putting their heart on a platter is – intimacy and attraction beyond friendship to the opposite sex is mostly ALWAYS IMMEDIATE. When you meet and interact face-to-face with someone, there is very little time needed to know if you are romantically or sexually attracted to them. This goes for both men and women. Rarely do people who have been friends for long periods of time develop intimate relationships. If a woman or man wants or sees you in a romantic fashion it will most always be right away – UNLESS there are other things that are coming in between the two getting together (like either of the two already being involved in romantic relationships with other people and therefore cannot act on their desires for each other).

 

IOW’s a man should not have to “build” up a woman’s sexual/romantic attraction to him. It’s either there or it isn’t. Now conversely, immediate sexual attraction to someone *CAN* wane/decrease immediately or over time if the person exhibits traits that turn off the person who was initially attracted to them. But it’s very difficult to conjure up attraction to someone that you didn’t have it for initially upon meeting them or interacting with them regularly face-to-face– at least never in my experience – what about you?

 

I have heard of instances where people who have known each other for a long time suddenly one day look into each other’s eyes and fall in love after so many years. But in those cases I wonder if there was always a sexual attraction there but for whatever reasons it was not convenient to disclose it?

 

Once the LJBF’s hammer is dropped, often times the male in the situation becomes angry or feels betrayed and/or used. The woman also becomes angry b/c he put her in a weird awkward situation. She also may feel betrayed or manipulated b/c she really thought he was sincerely trying to be her friend but b/c he never really came out and expressed what his real interests were – to ultimately be with her on an intimate level.

 

This also put the girl in an awkward situation to have to let the guy down who has been so good to her and whom has been her “friend”.  B/C he did so many nice things for her and  there is usually only one of two things a woman can do in this kind of situation early on –  either *blatantly assume* he wants more with her than a friendship & on her own accord come out and say “you know I do not see you in an intimate way so if we are going to be friends we are just going to be friends”  OR forces her to accept the nice things he is dong for her and puts the onus on her to later break the bad news that she really just sees him as a friend.  Can you imagine how bad either choice is?

 

The other thing that happens is she may become angry or feel manipulated and in worse cases sees the guy as a sneaky snake. Although, the man in question may not have intended to be manipulative, the fact that he did nice things to gain her affections without literally coming out and saying what he really wants from her makes some women feel like he was being sneaky or manipulative. And then when he turns around and becomes hostile he suddenly appears to not be that sweet  nice guy she has known – now the girl will feel he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. This frame of thought on the woman’s part *may* or *may not* be irrational, illogical and unfair, but its very common in these situations. And its real. So why not avoid being placed in either  of those unfortunate boxes – especially if you are truly innocent of both?

 

How do you avoid being labeled a manipulative or sneaky snake? Simply be up front or avoid doing things for a woman over long periods of time who is not doing things for you in return AT ALL.  

 

It’s a tough situation for both.

 

GUYS PERSPECTIVE

I get it sometimes. I know there are many guys who were raised by their mothers and society that the best way to identify with a woman is by trying to relate to her on all levels. Some women even babble this like this is what they really want, yet their actions show interest in the opposite kind of men. A lot of young men today are told that Picking up some of the traits normally found in women will get him further and *closer* with her. So the guy grows up more focused on how to please a woman and appeal to her soft sensitive side by showing her that he is soft, sensitive, supportive, and willing to go above and beyond and do anything to become the apple of her eye.

 

I *personally* don’t see anything wrong with this kind of behavior from a man who:

 

(1)    is quickly and efficiently planning to make a move and not pull it out longer than it needs to be

 

(2)    or for a man who is already   * IN A REALTIONSHIP*  with a woman

 

(3)    a man who balances those things (sensitivity, supportiveness) with MASCULINE traits (i.e a happy medium).    There is a time and place for a guy to show “softer side” traits –it’s not all the time.

 

(4)    Requires  you both are in some kind of reciprocating relationship where each person is happy with what they are currently getting out of the relationship.

 

However and unfortunately, in the case of the LJBF guy, he is *NOT* really getting what he wants.

 

Plainly put, the girl put you in the friend zone b/c she doesn’t see you in a romantic light. Once the guy has reached the point where he feels the momentum is there for him to make his move (the time frame for this can range from months to YEARS) he gets his heart broken. Many guys may react in different ways to this – they become angry and hostile, or sad, or upset b/c they felt used and betrayed. But the real issue needs to be with himself and the question he needs to ask himself is why go above and beyond for a person that has not returned the favor? Why give what is not being given back? The giving back from the girl doesn’t necessarily have to be the same thing you are giving her, but it needs to be something in which you are content and satisfied and not feeling as if you are the sole one always doing and giving with nothing being given back to you in return – even if its simply just appreciation or acknowledgement.

 

I can understand a young guy in his very early years not understanding this. But when a grown man continues to place himself as a doormat for a woman who has not even given him one iota of anything in return or who hasn’t  shown any kind of appreciation or  interest in him romantically then whose fault is that?

 

The general rule of thumb ANYONE should have when it comes to relationships of any sort is RECIPROCATION.  ALWAYS. No ifs, ands, or butts.  Write it down, read it, internalize it, marinate on it, and put it on your fridge to constantly remind yourself of this.

 

The reciprocation doesn’t have to be in the form of buying him things back. Reciprocation in the sense that he is also being fulfilled in some way for his time, resources or both. If you find yourself constantly, giving, doing, supporting, going out of your way, above and beyond for someone who is *NOT* returning that, then you need to step back and recalibrate and start seeing that its up to each and every individual to look out for their own best interest first.

 

Not only that, why waste precious time by not saying or expressing early on what it is you expect or want from that particular girl? Why waste extensive time and resources on a woman who is not your g/f or wife or long-time companion? How do you expect to reward the actual women who do show you love and make you happy by reciprocating what you give to them? Why should the women who aren’t giving you anything reap all of your benefits and resources? Its juts not smart (or fair) to the women out there that you could have spent that time and resources on in where she would have appreciated and returned the favor.

 

FEMALE PERSPECTIVE

Ok, Women are not stupid. They know when a man has the hots for them. In an ideal world, women who knew this but didn’t have an attraction for the guy would simply before things even got past GO say in some manner that she has no interest in him romantically.  But now the guy is expecting her to assume he has an interest in her in the first place. The guy actually may not have any romantic interest but feels she is a cool chick that he wants to be cool with. How much of a turn off would it be if a woman  mistakenly and blatantly assumed that a guy liked her more than a friend and then to only be told “not so”? But it’s a tricky situation when the guy never says this but does what he can to  develop a friendship with you. The woman has to either go by her intuition and ASSUME he likes her (although he hasn’t really said it) and either make herself look stupid or full of herself by saying straight out that she only sees the said guy as a friend and nothing more OR the girl simply doesn’t know what to do or say and blocks it out until dooms day when he comes out (after a period of time being in her life as a platonic friend) and finally openly expresses what he *really* wants.

 

Women,  although they may never say it and may even be annoyed always prefer a man in some way to reveal his intentions in some manner of fashion. He doesn’t have to come right out and say he has a romantic or sexual interest but there are ways guys can and do, do this that  make it very clear why “he’s there”. If it is for more than a friendship, this needs to be revealed EARLY and quickly. That gives the woman the OPTION without guilt to make her own decision on whether she wants to accept the offer or turn it down. In any case, she is able to make a choice without the feeling of guilt or *feeling* manipulated (I say *feeling* manipulated b/c I don’t always believe this is the true intentions of the guy in question to manipulate her – but it can and does come off this way for some women).

 

So the bad boys or more alpha types who are pretty straightforward may get rewarded for doing so b/c they are fully transparent and leaves it up to the girl to make the decision. But the nice guy who is spending all his time and resources trying to build her SEXUAL CONNECTION to him  yet not saying anything until she has invested in the “friendship” doesn’t really give her any options other than breaking his heart or lying to him and pacifying his desires for a short period of time to only hurt him more later when she finally reveals she doesn’t feel that kind of attraction for him.

 

Ladies and gentlemen –it is up to each.and.every. individual to understand that you have a right to hold out on giving up your time and resources to people, places or things that have not shown any kind of reciprocation. This is the key to any healthy or happy relationships be them sexual, platonic. No one should be going above and beyond to “WIN” someone over for long periods of time with uncertainty. Like I said, its normal for a man to try to win a woman over very early and quickly upon knowing her or being around her.

 

But after a short time if he sees his efforts are in vain, he simply moves on and does so without feeling he has really lost anything in the process.  Save that for the person who has undoubtedly shown the same kind of interest in you. One in which you know both are doing their fair share to keep the other happy. Relationships should always be 50/50. Not 60/40, 70/30, 80/20. Anytime someone is doing more than their fair share, that means someone else isn’t and only disastrous results lie ahead for the person doing the most.

 

Let’s just be friends is tough on both the man and the woman involved. A man is best off saving his money, times and resources for women who are undoubtedly interested in him or who are providing the same kind of energy towards him.

 

And ladies, my next post will cover this regarding  women who allow themselves to be the chick on the side, the booty call who so desperately does everything that a g/f, wife, or long term companion does yet she is not reaping the benefits of either and is still hoping to be placed in one of those positions by making herself completely and totally available to a man who has no intentions on committing to her and giving her what she desires most – a relationship. JUST STOP IT!

 

Now let’s all make an oath to reciprocating relationships!

*NEECY’S NEST PARTICIPANTS OATH TO RECIPROCATION*

 I , ________________  will not give anyone what they are not willing to give to me. And if someone is giving themselves to me, I will return the favor in some fashion to let them know “I see you” and I appreciate your efforts and time and want to show that by giving back what I can. Anything less than reciprocation is NOT a  healthy two way street relationship but rather and simply put – someone being used.

 

AMEN.

 

😀

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68 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Marellus
    Sep 24, 2011 @ 04:30:01

    Neecy.

    Great post 🙂 And yes, I have been in an LJBF situation. It hurt like hell.

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    • Andrew Medina
      Sep 24, 2011 @ 07:30:06

      I counter friend zone preemptively. No better way to completely flip the script and get them to think otherwise.

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      • Neecy
        Sep 24, 2011 @ 09:48:34

        Andrew,

        More people need to be friends first anyway. I think the best relationships are when the man and women were friends first and got to know each other. But i do feel for things to move to the next level out of the friendship zone, there needs to be OBVIOUS underlying sexual/intimate attraction for each other.

        Also, I think being friends before jumping into a relatoinship with someone you are obviously attracted to allows for a great amount of sexual tension to build over time.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 24, 2011 @ 09:43:04

      Marellus,

      Were you younger when this happened? I tend to think the LJBF thing happens moreso when men and women are younger than mature. I can remember putting a couple guys in the friend zone in my younger years b/c I don’t think most young women really know how to handle that kind of situation.

      Many don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so they mistakenly believe allowing his friendship makes it ok. But usually the guy knows you don’t like him that way and would often still pursue which I feel its on the guy at that point to take obvious hints and clues that the girl is not into you that way.

      ultimatley as we learn, it makes things worse when the girl tries to LJBF a guy she is not attracted to. So I started just distancing myself from guys who I felt may have a thing for me and I knew I couldn’t give him that back. not allowing the friendship just to spare myself and himself the drama later. And what i found was these guys would actually be more appreicative of me being more forthcoming about my real feelings as oppossed to dragging him along. And sometimes we were able to be friends afterwards b/c he knew where he stood and was able to shift his romantic interests to other women who liked him.

      But as I matured I would just simply let a guy know if I had an interest or not. I don’t think its fair to drag things out if you are adults.

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      • Liza207
        Sep 24, 2011 @ 10:52:08

        I had a friend whom I use to hang with and when guys I weren’t interested would hit on me or approach me I would immediately blow them off, she would then ask me why blew him off so quickly when I could be friends with him. Really? Her thing was LJBF (and she was a big time attention-whore too) and I thought it was a ridiculous waste of my time. They are grown men and rejection is apart of life. If you’re not interested in a guy that approaches you with romantic interest just let him down easily or do what I do sometimes just ignore them when they approach, of course, a lot of guys don’t like this but I think I’m doing them a favor–I’m not interested, why fake it? Why? To make myself feel better about rejecting him. How is that better for either of us?

        Some men do need to stop feeling entitled to the women they are interested in, just because you are interested in a particular woman it doesn’t mean she has to feel the same. I believe this is the attitude that causes men to stick around women who aren’t interested in them. I’m doing all these nice things for her, so she owes me something for me putting in my time and effort. She doesn’t owe you anything–move on and find someone who wants you in return. Unless, a another dynamic is that they are addicted to the chase and finally winning her over–a colossal waste of time and energy.

        And some women just need to be upfront about not being interested.

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        • Marellus
          Sep 24, 2011 @ 13:01:47

          They are grown men and rejection is apart of life.

          Liza, my majestic mellifluous little raindrop from the unknowable heights of God’s knowable heavens … I think yer spellinks is off again … keep this up, and you leave with no choice but to start flirting outrageously with Neecy !!! 🙂 We can still be friends though 😀

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        • Neecy
          Sep 26, 2011 @ 09:44:53

          Liza,

          Its true that rejection is something many men should prepare themselves for in life when it comes to women. But it sounds like you are describing men who you don’t really know personally but who are approaching you out in public. I’m talking about the guys that you do know personally and are around often enough to where they like you and starts a friendship with you b/c he wants something more.

          When it’s a much more personal situation ignoring the guy and/or rejecting him coldly is not something that most women will do with a guy who has been nice to them and somewhat invested – hence the friend zone. Also a guy who you are friends with and whom has gone above and beyond to do things for you out of the mind frame that you will appreciate him would take cold rejection/ignoring much harder b/c he invested in you.

          IOW’s the situation becomes much trickier and harder when you know and are around a guy enough to want his friendship and not hurt his feelings b/c you don’t like him the way he likes you. Ignoring them and/or rejecting them in these instances is not called for as when you are out in public with guys trying to hit on you.

          I do agree though that guys should read clear signs early on from women they like but who may not like them in the same way, and move onto women who would appreciate and want to be with them. Often times they ignore these signs and end up investing too much only to get hurt later.

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          • Liza207
            Sep 26, 2011 @ 12:43:57

            Neecy, I have heard men complain about approaching women and them being told LJBF after talking to the women for a while. Instead of the women just telling the guys they are not that into them after talking with them.

            Like I said, a former friend of my use to do this a lot. She would do it to keep the guys from feeling bad about be rejected and she would also take their numbers and I doubt she called most of them.

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            • Neecy
              Sep 26, 2011 @ 13:11:40

              Wow I didn’t realize women were ljbfing random men in public. That’s ridiculous what your friend was doing b/c women dont owe strange random men hitting on them in public any explanations on why they are not interested in them.

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              • Liza207
                Sep 26, 2011 @ 13:44:59

                Neecy, I agree a woman should not have to explain to some random guy why she is not interested in him. A woman is free to reject any guy she wants and whatever reason without having to feel that she has to placate them.

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  2. Zorro
    Sep 24, 2011 @ 05:25:48

    It’s called the Friend Zone, and it’s a woman’s way of saying Eeewwwwww “but don’t take it personally.”

    When a cow moosie does it to me, I use my antlers to flip her off her bar stool. Depending on the expression on her face, I either walk away disgusted or start looking for a condom dispenser.

    Cow moosies cannot resist the velvety expanse of my masculine stack of antlers. I can carry a Volkswagen on my antlers. I can mow down 20 year old maple trees with them at full gallop. I flipped a black bear clear across a blackberry patch more than once.

    Friend Zone this!

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    • Neecy
      Sep 24, 2011 @ 09:55:15

      LOL Zorro that’s not nice! I don’t think a guy should get mad b/c a woman was upfront with him about not being attracted to him or if she made OBVIOUS signs she was not attracted to you and you still kept pursuing. Sometimes men don’t open their eyes and realize there are blatant signs a woman is not romatically or sexually attracted to you. They keep pushing and pushing until the unfortunate LJBF convo happens and then they are mad at the woman.

      I can however, understand if the woman drags things along after you have made it known that you have feelings for her and she doesn’t respond with the truth saying she doesn;t see you that way. Then being pissed off is in order b/c some women like to play games and make the guy believe she will eventually be with him only to keep stringing him along (so she can keep reaping the benefits of his time, resources and whatever else she is getting) knowing fully well she never will be with him in a romatic fashion. Women who do this usually get theirs later on.

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  3. Liza207
    Sep 24, 2011 @ 10:56:11

    Neecy, I believe this why some women will say ljbf out of fear that a guy approaching will become hostile or menacing to her if she outright rejects him in a public setting (have experience this many times scary and embarrassing. Men basically force women into placating them in this manner due to their very fragile egos.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 26, 2011 @ 09:54:21

      Liza,

      i think we are talking about two seperate things here. You are more focused on men who you don’t know and who approach you in public vs. i am talking about men who you already know personally and deal with on a consistent basis. There is a different kind of dynamic in each situaiton and LJBF doesn’t really apply in your descriptions b/c you don’t even know the guy. I’m talking about the guys who you know on a much more personal level as friends but whom you may not be attracted to as romantic partners. Why would a woman feel the need to LJBF a guy she doesn’t know personally? I’m not sure how a woman would friend someone or some stranger in public she doesn’t even know.

      All LJBF’s situations revolve around time and investment from a man and woman who know each other personally on a much more deeper level than a public setting in which a stranger is trying to get with a woman. usually they may know each other through work, school or other things where they interact on a consistent basis and become friends.

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      • Liza207
        Sep 26, 2011 @ 13:08:43

        We already talked offline about a guy whom I was platonic friends with for 10 years. And how that turned out. The thing is that, I did not friend-zone him that was how he presented himself from the beginning so that is how I treated him. A year in, he hands me a greeting card expressing has true feelings I read the card as he stood there. I then handed it back to him and stated clearly that I did not feel the same. I thought one of two things would happen at that moment. One, he would walk away. Or two, we would still be in touch and he would stop expecting me to fall in love with him and just be my platonic guy friend. But he did not walk away and he kept expecting me to fall in love with him. I never fell in love with him and in the process he became very disgruntled and started exhibiting annoying passive-aggressive behavior so I moved on. For god sake, I even had him set me with one of his close friends.

        I believe men (and women) want what(in this case a person) they cannot really have and if this was not the case then why are there so many instances where people are falling for individuals who don’t/won’t reciprocate their love—there are so many stories and cases of unrequited love.

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        • Neecy
          Sep 26, 2011 @ 18:40:31

          I cannot believe that guy hung around for 9 years after you did that. You are right some people are determined to win someone over, but IMO its just waste of time as you stated in your other post.

          Its hard to accept that someone you want may not want you back or be attracted to you in the same way, but it is what it is and that is why God made a catrillion other attractive people of the opposite sex to populate planet earth – there will always be someone out there who will appreciate and love you, but often times people have their sights set on the wrong person and lose out with all the other people who would make them happy.

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  4. Emma the Emo
    Sep 24, 2011 @ 18:26:47

    I don’t think I ever LJBF’d a guy like that, apart from those times when I couldn’t have sex with anyone, even guys I really liked. Then I just told them it wasn’t gonna happen, and it kind of resolved all by itself (either I’d move to another country or the guy would stand me up, or my mom would fight him off).
    I gotta say that often, a guy is not attractive to me to begin with, but later grows on me, and it happens a lot. I don’t know if waiting a little would ever help anyone else, but in my case, it could actually work. If a guy I found physically unattractive wanted more, I could wait and his chances would be somewhat good, judging by how many of my male friends grow on me… Never tried this though. And there is a small chance that it won’t happen even if I wait, and then I end up wasting his time.

    Being in this situation is unfortunate. If you’re the guy, you get hurt. If you’re the girl, you get to feel guilty and superficial for a very long time. I understand men who try to go for sex right away, since being friends first doesn’t get them anywhere.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 26, 2011 @ 10:09:56

      Emma,

      you bring up a good point. Some people for whatever reasons have to get to know someone FIRST before determining whether they are attracted to them. Because like I said in the post, even though you may be initially sexually or romantically interested in someone, you can easily and very quickly loose the sexual/romantic interest if the person does things that are a turn off to you or a person whom you later find you have nothing in common with. This happens VERY OFTEN.

      So it makes sense that just as some people can lose sexual/romantic interest over time in someone they had it for initially, people can also develop an attraction to someone they didn’t have it for initially, but as they got to know them and spend time around them they find many qualities about that person they like and love a lot and that makes the person attractive to them.

      This has happened to me on more than a few occasions. Guys who didn’t initially get the tingles flowing (b/c I was simply looking at the surface upon initial contact which everyone does), but once I got to know them I was very much attracted to their demeanor, intelligence, and or masculinity traits they had that for some reason I didn’t see or know upon initially meeting them. And I find myself OFTEN turned off by men who may get the gina tingles / sexual juices flowing after I spend enough time seeing who they are and what they are all about. Too many women simply base a guys worth on how much he gets her gina juices flowing and this is why so many women are in bad relationships.

      SO its very possible. But I don’t think most men who are being LJBF’s are really reading the obvious signs when a woman will most likely never see you in that way. It takes keen awareness of when a guy should stick around a girl a little longer to let her see a side of him she probably doesn’t know. He already knows there is potential to woo her if he spends just a little more time trying to get to know her.

      Unfortunately, most men don’t have this keen awareness and end up investing too much time and energy in women who simply will never see them in a romantic light.

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  5. Emma the Emo
    Sep 24, 2011 @ 18:33:52

    Forgot to say. I like what you said about giving and getting. You shouldn’t give and give to a person who doesn’t appreciate it. But sometimes you have been really good to someone and they just neglect you, it feels bad. And then you wonder why you gave all that stuff in the first place, and why you feel they are obligated to reciprocate. When that happens, drop them and move on, without getting mad.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 26, 2011 @ 10:15:09

      Well Emma I think there are just some people who are naturally giving and generous and its a part of who they are as people. And most of the good men and good women are the ones who get treated the worse, while assholes and bitches get rewarded and treated much better by everyone.

      I think being generous, un-selfish and giving is a great trait to have *IF* one knows how to distribute it properly to the right people. Often times people too giving allow themselves to be used and walked over and continue using that they are generous, nice and giving as an excuse to keep allowing this. unfortunately, these are the main people who often get hurt, abused and/or walked on. They haven’t developed the senses they need to know when and where to designate their generosity and giving and who are the most deserving of it. And often it’s with any and everyone they like or love who may not be deserving of it.

      So if you are a person like this, you need to be keenly aware of situations where giving more and being overly generous to people is appropriate. And that is ONLY in cases where the other person is showing on some level the willingness or same kind of generosity to you or that they too are just as invested in you as a person as you are in them. I have learned to not deal with people who are leeches, users and opportunists. They are simply people who like to take and take but never give. The more people that stop allowing these sorts of people to take without giving the less of these kinds of people there will be.

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  6. Matt
    Sep 25, 2011 @ 00:36:19

    I think one of the biggest issues that can face men who have that Hammer dropped on them is mixed signals. The last time this happened to me (and it will be the very last time it ever happens to me), the girl told me that we were just friends. Except right after she said that, she asked me to go with her to a wedding. Then I was asked to attend a party at her work as her date (which is how she put it). I was introduced to her entire family. But never as “just a friend”. Basically, I got no intimacy, was told we were just friends, but was treated as the partner in all actions. It was a weird sort of in between situation where I was told one thing, but every action said otherwise. Even her family didn’t really know how to refer to me. To this day, I still don’t know if she should be referred to as my “ex”, or as a friend that I don’t talk to anymore. If I had the same frame of reference then that I do now, I would have simply walked away from the situation and saved myself a lot of problems and time.

    Many of the guys I’ve talked to have similar stories about women that have “friended” them. They were going to walk away, but the lady treated them as if something was going on, they waited, nothing ever happened, etc. Etc. Eventually they left the “friend” feeling used, bitter and angry.

    I’ve told the few women that have asked me about this that they should always assume that a man is not trying to be friends but is going for intimacy. As you said Neecy, it can be awkward to reject a guy that wasn’t trying to make a move to begin with. However, I do think it’s the safer bet. Personally, the number of women I’ve thought were cool enough to spend time with, but that I was only interested in in a platonic way, have been so few that I really can’t remember any. If I want to spend a lot of time with a lady, I want more than friendship with her. I’d guess that most men are wired this way.

    I’ve also told male friends of mine that if a woman tells you that you’re “just friends”, don’t try to pursue a relationship with her. It almost never ends well. Stay friends if you want, but move on.

    I am curious about your opinion on platonic friendships between men and women though. Do you think they can exist and last?

    Also:
    “If you find yourself constantly, giving, doing, supporting, going out of your way, above and beyond for someone who is *NOT* returning that, then you need to step back and recalibrate and start seeing that its up to each and every individual to look out for their own best interest first.”

    I really like this. Elegantly put, but difficult to do.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 26, 2011 @ 10:35:39

      Matt,

      Thanks for sharing your experience. I think what you described is a girl who was IMO using you until she figured out what she wanted. She did something worse than LJBF you. She actually made you feel there was going to be more and even took you through the motions of being the “b/f” (but not really rewarding you in the normal way a b/f gets rewarded – i.e. intimacy) only to leave you hanging and unable to even give you a simple “title” to her family and friends. That’s just plain SHITTY selfish behavior. Guys need to understand, when there is no intimacy, the only relationship you have with a woman is a platonic friendship.

      As unfortunate and unsettling your situation was I hope you did see your role in allowing yourself to be kind of left in limbo as well. More people should definitely develop a quick and easy way to fish out these kinds of situations b/c its not a good thing for anyone to have to go through or experience. But we all sometimes have to make silly mistakes to learn and mature. 🙂

      It’s different when a girl already tells you or shows you she has a romantic interest in you BUT wants to get to know you better as a friend before you two have any intimacy make that commitment into a relationship. I think this is perfectly normal to do b/c too many people jump into relationships with someone they *thought* they knew only to later find out they really don’t have anything in common etc. But there needs to be DIRECT communication about this and not people trying to guess or figure out where they stand.

      But when a woman drags a guy along, using him and making him feel there *is* or will be something I think its so wrong. It’s the equivalent to me of a guy dragging a girl along that he knows likes him and wants to be with him. he does or says things that suggest to her that she may be the g/f but she’s not really sure so she keeps being the convenient chick to be there doing the g/f things for him while still left in limbo about their status – solidifying the role in his life that she really plays – which is NOT a g/f.

      And the whole never really introducing a guy or girl to the loved ones and friends as a g/f or b/f is the same situation. People who do this are such narcissists and typically like dealing with overly nice people who will allow them to walk over them, drag them along and use them until they’ve had their fill.

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      • Matt
        Sep 26, 2011 @ 14:31:29

        Hey Neecy,

        “As unfortunate and unsettling your situation was I hope you did see your role in allowing yourself to be kind of left in limbo as well.”

        I spent a long time figuring out what my role in that whole mess was. This is why I said “it will be the very last time”. That woman was the reason why I started to examine what I was doing. I like the comment “If you find yourself constantly, giving, doing, … their own best interest first.” because it’s exactly what I had to do. It isn’t easy, but it must be done. A year later, I pick very carefully the women that I approach (even ignoring initial “lust” since it’s a very faulty way to decide who’s worth it), It’s why I pay very close attention to the attitude of a lady I’m interested in, how she treats those around her (parents, friends, strangers, etc), and whether she’s actually worth it (ie. does she have hopes and dreams of her own, or is she expecting me to carry her through life). If she declines, no problem.

        However, the downside to being burned like that is that as soon as I hear “Let’s just be friends”, I leave. I have no interest in sticking around after that. I know what that may make me sound like, but I’ve been down the LJBF road enough to know that it’s just not worth it. It’s very similar to (maybe the male version of) what Liza was talking about when she said she just ignores a man if she’s not interested. There’s no need to keep up a charade just to be friendly, or to spare some feelings, especially if you’re not going to see them again. The truth will eventually come out and it will end badly for all involved.

        I actually think that a woman that drags a man around, using him and making him feel there is or will be something going on is the female version of the “Pump ‘n’ Dump”. The reaction to both acts is the same. In a “Pump ‘n’ Dump”, the woman feels used, angry and becomes bitter against all men. In the “String Along”, from personal experience, the man will feel used, angry and bitter against all women. It’s selfish as hell on the part of the person doing it, and completely disregards the one being used.

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        • Neecy
          Sep 26, 2011 @ 18:55:32

          Matt i don’t blame any guy really for avoiding the “let’s just be friends” zone. Especially if they have gone through it before. its too easy to spend time investing in someone to only have them later say “sorry i don’t think its going to work”. So I understand. maybe I won’t ever try the friends first thing b/c it may scare a guy off – thx for the heads up. I guess it sbetter to just go into a relationship with someone you like than wait it out.

          Liza is right, no woman or man owes anything ot a stranger they don’t know. I don’t know what women are trying to LJBF a guy know they aren’t attracted to and don’t even know. It seems those women may have issues and need male attention constantly.

          And yes women who LJBF guys are the equivalent of guys who sleep with a woman knowing fully well he will never make her his g/f or wife all while having her believe this will happen. Same thing – woman is investing her time and body with a guy in a “relationship” full of uncertainty. Those never end well – from the person who was used.

          How many stories do we hear of women who have spent YEARS trying to win some guy over or have them marry her or commit to her, and then they move along and later find out the guy married some girl he knew only 6 months. Same thing.

          More people need to be taught at home, in school or wherever that reciprocation is important concept to keep and use throughout their lives. It would save a lot of people heartache and pain.

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        • MK
          Sep 27, 2011 @ 18:01:50

          Matt,
          You needed to use the wedding atmosphere, the party, the drinks, the mood and CLOSE. If it didn’t happen then you would know it never would and not waste anymore time (or if you did spend more time you’d know it was as biz markie said Just a Friend)

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    • Neecy
      Sep 26, 2011 @ 10:41:41

      really like this. Elegantly put, but difficult to do.

      🙂

      Not really. There are people in the world who know and/or learn how to put what I said into practice:

      (1) Opportunists

      (2) People who are naturally (or learn to become) aware of their personal value and refuse to be with anyone or participate in anything that would de-value them or use them for their own gains. They seem to understand the “scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” concept

      (3) Narcissists

      (4) People who have tired of being shitted on, used in relationships by others who were not giving back what they were giving.

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  7. bob
    Sep 25, 2011 @ 10:06:16

    Neecy said:

    The gina tingles come on quickly and IMMEDIATLEY when a woman has interacted with a man face-to-face and has an attraction.

    I keep getting reminded here, (and on the IR sites) how much truth Chris Rock throws out there:

    “A woman knows within the first 2 minutes of meeting you whether or not she’s going to give you some. “I’m gonna eff him. I just hope he don’t say something stupid and eff it up.”

    I heard this years and years ago. Nice to get some confirmation from the other side.

    I see indications of this on the and some Game sites – I don’t really even try to do PUA stuff, but it is nice to know what “anti-Game” is, because I’m very nerdy.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 26, 2011 @ 10:52:58

      Hey BOB!

      I’m definitely not a fan of Chris Rock but he is right in that aspect.

      BUT, just b/c a woman initially has gina tings for a guy doesn’t mean it will stay that way. I am often approached by men or have known men who get the gina tingles/juices flowing initially, but after talking with them for even a few minutes or getting to know them better, the juices start drying up and evaporating. (lol sorry for the visual).

      I think it would serve all men well to learn *some* aspects of game. As a woman I can see where some it will be helpful for the more naturally reserved guy looking to get better confidence or the guy who is constantly finding himself being left out with the ladies.

      But I think it can have an adverse effect if you take too much of the game aspects to heart. It kinda steals away that personal individual factor that a man may have. I think it makes men feel like they have to be an ALPHA character or be a loser.

      Regarding the Alpha/Beta dichotomy in game, I understand why they reference for certain behavioral patterns/traits, but after that I just think simply using those references as a way to describe men in general is not really helping a man on a personal and makes men feel like they have to pick to be one or the other. I think there are wonderful traits in both the “Alpha” and the “Beta” and there are also negative traits in both as well.

      A man would do best picking and choosing the traits that work for him as opposed to feeling he has to be in either box.

      IMO the most sane healthiest males in the world exhibit BOTH Alpha and Beta traits in his personality.

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  8. zorro
    Sep 25, 2011 @ 21:42:52

    An exerpt from the linked article:

    So, what can women do to return the balance of sexual power in their favor? Stop putting out, experts say. If women collectively decided to cross their legs, the price of sex would soar and women would regain control of the market. Like a whoopie cartel.

    http://www.nypost.com/p/news/opinion/opedcolumnists/cheap_dates_EnfcHi7NwBAkD3RYMUWv6I

    Just as I said it would be.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 26, 2011 @ 11:14:46

      Zorro thank you for that article (and an idea for my next post)!! And just as I, Liza and you have pointed out, women are the ones who have created this monster but are refusing to acknowledge this as the problem.

      I really liekd this quote in the article:

      “Women don’t really need men and marriage — economically, socially, and culturally — like they once did. What I hear in interviews with women is plenty of complaining about men or about the dating scene, but their annoyance is seldom directed at other women.”

      EXACTLY! Women will complain till the cows come home about how men don’t want to commit, just want sex, don’t want to invest in relationships and women anymore, blah blah blah Yet do we ever see or hear women calling each other out as to why this problem exists? NOPE! B/C some women feel they can have it both ways – have their sexual freedom and sleep around as much as they can but expect men to marry them and start families with them? HUH? Who wants these kinds of women as wives and mothers?

      No wonder men won’t marry, if for most of them getting sex with almost any woman these days is *THAT* easy why on earth would he want to settle down with a woman and have children with her and be the “white knight”? IOW’s no man wants to be a *Captain Save a Ho* who rescues a woman who has not exercised any self-discipline and self-control on her sexual habits.

      Women need a real wake up call. A lot of women have been brainwashed to feel *ENTITLED* to receive love and a good partner no matter her behavior or actions – even women have spent most of their lives being sexually loose with any and every man who walks by them feel as though some good guy should be waiting in the wings with a wedding ring, house, picket fence to sweep her off her feet after she has had all the loose sex she could for most of her life. Sorry ladies doesn’t work that way.

      It reminds me of some sales organizations in which the lower and bottom feeders feel entitled to receive all the good accounts, bonuses and commissions that the sales reps who worked their asses off and spent time and effort doing to get. Entitlement is so beyond annoying. All it does is keep you in a place of complacency – where a lot of western women today are in terms of accepting their role or lack thereof in improving relationships for the better and that would ultimately benefit women and our desires in the long run as well.

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    • Matt
      Sep 26, 2011 @ 14:57:26

      The comments in that article are entertaining. The author’s logic mirrors the logic shown at Game sites. It also mirrors what men who call into shows like Tom Leykis have been saying. Even Kay Hymowitz was floored when men started explaining exactly why they won’t marry and these are the reasons why. Hell, there are sites on the web that advocate for the “Marriage Strike” that use this exact same line of thought.

      Yet, the “enlightened” people commenting on that article won’t believe it. They desperately want to believe that we are ever so much different than older, more traditional, more enduring cultures.

      I’m going to pop some corn and watch Nature reassert itself. It should be fun.

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    • MK
      Sep 27, 2011 @ 18:06:22

      Not putting out would not change any situation. What a smart woman should do (and what a father would probably want for his daughter if the convents were not taking applications) is be selective during her prime and pick a a true high value male (wealth, good family, educated) that is a lower alpha/upper beta. This would be a main purpose of an expensive college vs. riding the random douchebag cock carousel.

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      • Neecy
        Sep 27, 2011 @ 20:16:29

        I agree MK. I do believe though a lot of young women who come from good families are aware of this and do that. But more women from lower/upper middle class may not have been groomed to do this.

        Its a lot easier to find a mate in college than it is afterwards IMO.

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  9. Mark Slater
    Sep 26, 2011 @ 18:22:25

    I must admit that I encounter more intelligence here on Neecy’s Nest than I ever have from so-called highly respected relationship experts.

    Good observation, as always, by Zorro. The New York Post article was quite prescient. If the advice in the article was followed, if more women were able to see past the initial “excitement” [I had to think up something classier than “gina tingles”] from immoral skirt-chasing rascals [Heartiste’s “Alpha Males”] then they may actually receive what they crave: sexual excitement AND emotional commitment AND marriage with the man of their dreams AND home, family, etc.

    Maybe, just maybe, today’s woman might find happiness with a Beta Provider or an Alpha of a more subdued disposition. As Miss Neecy pointed out, attraction can take time. Indeed, someone of total hotness [initially] can fall into disfavor; while someone not immediately considered can start to look really good. It is the same for men and women.

    Suddenly the wisdom of our fuddy-duddy grandparents doesn’t sound half-bad.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 26, 2011 @ 19:09:44

      Mark that is why I am not fully convinced the beta guy or more reserved Nice guy is the boogie man. The fact is we need these kinds of men to create and build stable families. If all men were the alphas described constantly in PUA community where in the heck would this society be by now? Everyone is not meant to be a certain way. We have people with a variety of personalities and traits on earth for a reason – BALANCE.

      It’d be best to study some of the better traits of the Beta/Alpha and use them accordingly to a man’s own personality to where he doesn’t feel like he is stepping too far way from who he is as a person. The idea is to grow not necessarily change if you are already a decent person.

      Its not the good guys that are a problem – its the women/men of today who lack the brain matter and discipline to avoid unhealthy interactions with people of the opposite sex b/c they are looking for immediate gratification and not long-term happiness.

      As you said so many women juts don’t get it. It’s not bad that they find excitement in the hottie who will never commit, its bad when they continue to give into those lustful desires too quickly and too soon only to find themselves doing this over and over to the point they eventually become damaged goods and unattractive as long term companions to guys who are looking for quality women.

      As my grandmother says – for every bad choice there will be consequences to pay – choose wisely….

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      • Liza207
        Sep 26, 2011 @ 19:27:12

        Neecy, you are on fire today. And you are making a lot of sense.

        “It’d be best to study some of the better traits of the Beta/Alpha and use them accordingly to a man’s own personality to where he doesn’t feel like he is stepping too far way from who he is as a person. The idea is to grow not necessarily change if you are already a decent person.”

        Right, men should possess the good alpha/beta traits because it’s an excellent balance (and the man of my dreams); strong, confident, decisive and commitment minded.

        “Its not the good guys that are a problem – its the women/men of today who lack the brain matter and discipline to avoid unhealthy interactions with people of the opposite sex b/c they are looking for immediate gratification and not long-term happiness.”

        I have nothing to add here–excellent point!

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        • Neecy
          Sep 26, 2011 @ 20:04:38

          Right, men should possess the good alpha/beta traits because it’s an excellent balance (and the man of my dreams); strong, confident, decisive and commitment minded.

          🙂 Those traits are certainly on the top of my list as well.

          EXACTLY Liza! But that goes back to high quality men and women. High quality women understand that a high quality man possesses a nice mix/blance of those traits that make him the MOST desirable man.

          its easy to be one way or another – alpha or beta. men who choose one IMO are simply unable to be complex, b/c its Not so simple to be a complex man with a *variety* of desirable traits.

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  10. Neecy
    Sep 26, 2011 @ 19:15:55

    Matt said

    am curious about your opinion on platonic friendships between men and women though. Do you think they can exist and last?

    YEP! As long as both people are getting something out the friendship and one person doesn’t feel slighted I think men and women can have wonderful platonic friendships.

    And in some cases if there is a romantic/sexual interest not yet recognized, it can develop into a full on romantic relationship in some cases. I know plenty of couples from work like this. But the key was they *BOTH* ended up developing a desire for each other. Not just one person desiring the other person while the other person doesn’t feel the same.

    IMO the best platonic friendships are when both parties are not romantically attracted to each other. I don’t think platonic friendships work between men and women if one person likes or has feelings for the other and the other person doesn’t feel the same.

    So in ideal platonic friendship situations BOTH parties would always have the same feelings of attraction or lack thereof for each other.

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  11. bob
    Sep 26, 2011 @ 20:24:52

    Neecy said:

    IMO the best platonic friendships are when both parties are not romantically attracted to each other.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 26, 2011 @ 20:52:21

      Aw BOB I am sitting here drowining in nostalgia! They just don’t make quality really good good movies like that anymore.

      And great clip BTW! I had to laugh when she asked him what about if the girl is not attractive to him, and he says “yeah we want to nail them to”. LOL

      So is it simply not possible for men and women to be friends b/c the guy will almost always want to have sex with the girl? I mean I am not so sure this is a real issue since most men want to have sex with women very often. IOW’s its not so much that its her he has to have but just a matter of him simply being a man who for the most part will always want to or think about having sex with a woman who is somewhat attractive to him.

      but I think it would only be a problem if the guys really really liked the girl and not just wanted to have sex with her. Does that make sense?

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  12. bob
    Sep 26, 2011 @ 21:43:20

    Neecy,

    Yeah the “yeah we want to nail them too” line is hilarious.

    Although I posted it for grins, I think it’s pretty rough for people to be friends if one is hot for the other. Especially when they are young. (I was frigging impossible when I was younger. Long sad story for another day.)

    There are exceptions to everything, and it seems like some guys really actually *do* think with the big head, starting at a young age.

    So it’s certainly possible, especially if they are in relationships with other people, but maybe not very likely.

    Did you like the restaurant scene in that movie?

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    • Neecy
      Sep 26, 2011 @ 21:53:08

      DID I LIKE THE RESTAURANT SCENE? Psssh! *Like* is an understatement. So fricking clever. And you gotta love the part when the older lady says to the waitress “I’ll have what she’s having” LOL CLASSIC stuff!

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  13. n/a
    Sep 27, 2011 @ 02:11:57

    Neecy, kiddo, baby,

    Now why did you have to go and take Roissy’s bait? when you take the bait you end up a fillet. 😉

    In fact, it was pretty funny that R was insidiously negging *you* — b/c he *likes* you — and then you go and get into it with some goofballs over there.

    Ah, it’s alright. And what happened with Rollo? why is he insulting you?

    I can only chuckle at the guys who insult your looks. They are f’ing blind.

    Hell, it bugs me that these fools fail to realize that you are the real feminine deal.

    What you shd’ve done is just winked at Roissy and nothing else. But no crying over spilt pixels…

    Great comment from FP. Hilarious.

    You gotta learn when the real playas are jus pullin’ your pigtails baby.–

    Nice redesign of the blog, btw. Keep at it.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 27, 2011 @ 05:03:25

      *bending over for my spanking*

      I’m a bad girl N/A! I’m sure Liza and Mark will be here 5,4,3,2…to give me my deserved fussing of the day. LOL

      Ok I know Heartiste was joking, I was actually kidding back at him. My problem has never been with Heartiste. Regarding the losers at his site. They are soo beyond sad and pathetic. They can’t help themselves. I’m so completely aware now that *some* of those guys swamp things that occupy his place are bitter woman haters and they go to sites like Roissy to get the only kicks in life they can – outwardly hating on a woman. None of those guys swamp creatures on that blog could *EVER* insult me. They are more transparent than saran wrap and their bitterness and obsession with following behind me is duly noted.

      I’ve decided if i want to make a post there, i will. Eff the losers that crawl on his site.

      Its unfortunate that they sit on his blog daily and still haven’t learned shit. I believe many of them try to impress and show off for the other guys there and end up looking like pathetic bitter idiots.

      Regarding Rollo, he’s mad b/c I called him out on his blog post where he suggested that women who make men wait for sex after a short period of knowing a guy (in his words 1-3 dates) are not worth waiting for. He really showed his true colors in that post and I said how I felt about it. So I guess he’s mad – oh well, he’ll get over it….

      P.S. I’m glad you like the new design!!!

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      • n/a
        Sep 27, 2011 @ 22:57:18

        Neecy,

        This time I’d like to turn you around and offer some advice face to face — not that I would mind the other view.–

        I think if you happened to post a brief comment regretting your (understandable, but unnecessary!) outburst on Roissy’s site, you would earn a lot of respect.

        Many of the guys who read there, the silent ones, are very keen to see that women are “all the same.” And indeed women rarely apologize when, strictly speaking, they don’t have to.

        But since it’s long been clear to me that you are rather special, I’d love to read something like that from you, because it would be *edifying* for men to read it.

        Just a thought and you can feel free to delete this post as soon as you’ve read it.

        It would’ve been so much easier just to leave you with a red ass, but, hey, you know how much I like you.

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        • Neecy
          Sep 27, 2011 @ 23:31:59

          N/A,

          Anyone who knows me knows I have no problem whatsoever admitting when I am wrong. I also have no issues with apologies when they are in order and when someone deserves them. However, in this case apologies are NOT in order. i also have a pretty good sense of humor and can also put up with a lot befoire i eventually go off. Which is what happened.

          A person can only put up with so much before they have had enough. I have had enough of putting up with some of those sorry losers on there who obviously HATE Women. I understand there are quite a few nice shy guys who may lurk.

          Their nasty remarks towards me for my original comment was uncalled for. The despicable way i was treated for making a JOKE to Heartiste was utterly uncalled for and disgusting. I have no clue what is wrong with those guys on there that they felt the need to spew such VENOM towards me for that one comment. So in essence, the venom I spewed back at them was DESERVED.

          I should have ignored them. but i have been on that site for damn near 4 months now putting up with those jerks and i am sick of it. I am not going to back down from being wrongfully targeted.

          I try to keep my comments targeted to Heartiste for the simple reason most of the guys on there are too hateful, bitter and consumed with their own issues to hold decent respectable conversations with anyone.

          I have been more than nice and accommodating and tried to be interactive and UNDERSTANDING with them and I’m over it. . If Heartiste really had an issue with anything I have said in response to his posts he would addressed me directly and OPENLY or not even published my comments. I know he moderates all the comments now before he posts them so he definitely had an opportunity to not post my comment if he chose. Also, I am sure if he felt my venom back to them was uncalled for he also would not have published the comment either.

          This was my original comment:

          *horrifying face* Uhm Exsqueeze me Heartiste! But I am insulted by the idea that you believe Pharmaceutical sales reps are “working in a sex field”. LOL! We are ones who provide those wonderful free drug samples that grandma and grandpa and others may need to stay alive, be healthier with a better quality of life – thankyouverymuch!

          *proudly exiting thread with head held high*

          Please tell me why i deserved the subsequent comments that followed? WTH was it in that comment that drew such utter disgusting ire from those losers? Its was uncalled for and despicable the way they acted. And frankly, they don’t deserve an apology.

          I meant everything i said b/c i *ONLY* have respect for people who treat others with respect. If you want to act foolish and disrespect people then expect it back. If they were REAL men they would have never responded the way they did. So ultimately that whole exchange was more of a reflection of them than me. b/C i didn’t start anything, say anything derogatory to anyone initially. I made a light hearted FRICKIN JOKE to the author about his post.

          Heartiste knows me by now and knows I like to give him playful shit for some things he says and that is why he never really goes off or openly says anything b/c he understands I’m joking or being playfully sarcastic with him. He also understand for the most part that while I do not agree with most of his philosophies I respect the fact that he is doing something for guys who are unsuccessful in the dating market with women. I am even and have openly said I AM IN THEIR CORNER! YET, you have simply maggots who hate women who like to bully women and gang up on them b/c they are just LOSERS. And that was the case in this instance. They are such hateful bitter maggots that they cannot even see that. All they have is hate in their heart and they deserved every bit of IRE I gave back to them.

          I will NEVER apologize to maggots. And frankly that is what they are to me. MAGGOTS who bully up on one woman b/c they have issues. Well I am one woman that will not back down from them b/c they need to know and understand that if you keep pushing and disrespecting someone they are going to give it right back. Which is what I did.

          I am sorry if you feel I was wrong, but you need to see how that whole thread played out. Its was utterly uncalled for how they acted. You would have thought I insulted their mothers.

          And Rollo as far as I am concerned was someone who I actually had respect for. He is just another MAGGOT in my eyes b/c no true alpha acts the way he did and picks on a woman.

          I feel sorry for them and any women that have to cross their paths day to day.

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          • n/a
            Sep 28, 2011 @ 00:03:52

            Neecy,

            Ah, entering the hornet’s nest of a woman’s righteous anger. Unwise? yes.–

            Where did all these MAGGOTS come from? when I expected sex-crazed GNATS.

            Alright, kiddo, — and I hope you don’t mind these affectionate forms of address from a cyberstranger; if you do, tell me and we’ll henceforth be babyless, kiddoless, and just generally less — but, Neecy, babe, let me say a few quick things.

            Men are *very* sensitive, esp. on their home court, and esp. in their
            home court locker-room. So they must be treated with deference even as they *seem* to offer only rudeness and catcalls.

            Because what I noticed was this: when you kept your comments free of anything that could be called overreaction, I noticed quite a few comments from men who were previously, presumably, “maggots,” but who were now saying, very correctly, that you had grown on them.

            That site is Roissy’s but it is not about Roissy. It as much about the commenters and the readers. A typical woman comes in there swinging her hips and batting her lashes at Rossy alone and men hate this. That is: you should *never* be addressing yourself to Roissy alone, whoever that may be, but to the entire community of men gathered there.

            If you can do that, then you’ll find respect from men — and something like love. When a man sees a woman learn and change in these contexts he respects her — and there’s nothing like that respect. You’ll feel it when you’ve earned it and I’ve a feeling you will.

            Enough advice. You’ll do what you’ll do. Proud girl. I just felt those outbursts were unworthy of what you’ve become.

            I await the swarm and the sting. 😉

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            • Neecy
              Sep 28, 2011 @ 00:23:36

              N/A i understand what you are saying. And i don’t feel PROUD about having gone there with them. but it happened and I’m human. And i still haven’t seen you admit that their behavior was wrong and uncalled for and really embarressing to them as “men” on a game blog. They displayed themselves as a bunch of silly catty school girls. NOT a good look for men on a game blog trying to get better with picking up women. Plus I believe i would have ignored the comments but I have been sick the last two days and not feeling well, so I am already extra sensitive and moody. LOL

              Literally just last week in the day game thread I was on there taking up for them and saying how I understand why they have such difficulty. i received such postive responses & appreciation back from them. So they should KNOW I am not there to start trouble or create conflict. i have more than enough proven that I am mostly in their corners b/c I understand its difficult. So for them to come out swinging at me like that was simply WRONG.

              Like i said, I understand what you are saying as well and it makes perfect sense. The incident happened and all i can do is move on from there. I hope no love lost between us??? 🙂

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              • n/a
                Sep 28, 2011 @ 16:25:52

                Neecy,

                You are such a sweetheart I could kiss you. Of course the goofballs were out of line — I would think that goes w/o saying.

                I read your recent comments on that Roissy thread and I felt they achieved a perfect balance — and that didn’t surprise me.

                And you better stop being such a cool girl, because the crush is already pretty bad. 😉

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                • Neecy
                  Sep 28, 2011 @ 17:33:40

                  😀

                  You know what i am discovering at this point in my life. that people either love me or they hate me. LOL

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                  • Mindful
                    Oct 02, 2011 @ 05:04:32

                    I am curious, why do you keep going over to Roissy making comments and then getting upset when those guys do what they do? What are you trying to achieve by going into the viper’s nest?
                    I think there are lessons to be learnt from reading over at Roissy but if a woman plans to make comments she should have nerves of steel and she should get ready to be attacked. Why are you so surprised?

                    Let me leave you with a quote by Jim Rohn, The more you know the less you need to say.

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  14. Liza207
    Sep 27, 2011 @ 09:35:53

    I love the new design. I love “When Harry Met Sally”, too. It’s a classic. I haven’t seen it in a while, though.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 27, 2011 @ 09:45:39

      yes. Its sad that they don’t make such classic good movies like this hardly anymore (at least not mainstream). Another romantic comedy I adored was Pretty Woman. The romantic comedies of today can never measure up to the ones of the past. I guess we saw the last of the great romantic comedies in our teens. The movies today are so unoriginal and uninspiring.

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  15. Liza207
    Sep 27, 2011 @ 10:00:22

    You should do a post on how horrible rom-coms are these days. I have to admit that Pretty Woman has always annoyed me-it’s completely unrealistic and a bit boring. I know, I know it’s really romantic and what not but it has never been my cup of tea.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 27, 2011 @ 11:21:15

      Great idea Liza! Yeah pretty WOman was not everyone’s cup of tea, but i loved it. maybe b/c it was at such a happy great time in my life when it came out.

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  16. bob
    Sep 28, 2011 @ 19:47:12

    Something you said at Roissy’s caught my eye, because that’s where I saw you.

    On the other hand, may be it was just your picture. I am very shallow. 😦

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  17. Neecy
    Sep 28, 2011 @ 21:22:12

    On the other hand, may be it was just your picture. I am very shallow.

    BOB I have got good news and I have got good news.

    (1) WELCOME TO PLANET EARTH

    (2) You share shallowness with ohhh, about a catrillion other humans on planet earth.

    LOL Hope that made you feel better 😉

    And welcome to the NEST!!!!!

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  18. Retsie
    Oct 01, 2011 @ 13:58:52

    When you really care for a women it is really hard to make a move. She is already in your life in some capacity and you are afraid you’ll push her away and lose her.

    When you don’t care about a women it is very easy to make a move because you’ve got nothing to lose. You basically don’t give a shit about her.

    I don’t think women understand that.

    I got LJBFd 2 nights ago. I liked her for a while and then she started to refer to “us” in the future, “when we get a place”, “when we get a dog” etc, I took this as a sign that she saw us together so I made a move. She was crying and sobbing. It should have been be who was upset. She said she cherrishes our freindship, I assured her things wouldn’t change.

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    • Neecy
      Oct 02, 2011 @ 02:34:09

      Hey retsie!!

      😦 😦 I’m really sorry you went through this and I know it has to be very hard. But I’m curious did you ask her why she was referring to you guys as a somewhat item during your friendship? Also did you explain to her that those things she suggested and hinted to about “us” and “our place” etc., were sending mixed signals to you? I think you deserve an answer as to why she was hinting or suggesting that you were going to be an item only to tell you later that she just wants to be friends.

      What she did to you was not fair b/c she led you to believe you two were going to be more than just friends in the future. but I don’t know the whole story just going by what you briefly posted here. Either way, I agree its you who should have been hurt and upset especially if you thought things were going to move forward based on her signals.

      I don’t think that making a move on a woman you know and like means you don’t give a shit about her. Making a move doesn’t have to be some typical “hey baby” slimy kind of deal. Its simply letting a woman know that you have an interest in her more than friends. There are so many ways to say this without coming off disrespectful.

      I wish you the best, but I have a question. Now that she’s dropped the LJBF hammer and you have accepted this, what are you going to do when she brings a man in her life that she is intimate and in love with? Shouldn’t you cut your losses and ties now to save yourself heartache later? At this point she will not owe you any explanations b/c you accepted the friendship and the guilt is now off of her shoulders if she ends up with a guy she likes as a mate.

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    • bob
      Oct 02, 2011 @ 15:33:56

      Retsie said:

      “I got LJBFd 2 nights ago. I liked her for a while and then she started to refer to “us” in the future, “when we get a place”, “when we get a dog” etc, I took this as a sign that she saw us together so I made a move. She was crying and sobbing. It should have been be who was upset. She said she cherrishes our freindship, I assured her things wouldn’t change.”

      Based the fact you present: Run very fast away from this one. Things MUST change, because, for whatever reason, this woman is TOXIC as HELL.

      The first thing to change is that you ever associate with her in any way going forward. CHANGE THAT.

      The very best interpretation I can put on the sequence you present is that this woman is tragically confused about relationships with you, and/or men, and/or the world at large.

      Worse possibilities are that she intentionally misled you to gain whatever advantages could be gained.

      There simply is no good way to look at being LBJF’d by a woman who has made references to “when we get a place”, “when we get a dog” etc,.

      This woman cherishes nothing but herself, if that.

      I don’t have your full knowledge of the background. What I do have for this situation is the signal advantage of not being involved, so that I can look at it more objectively.

      Disclaimer: This is free advice, and may turn out to have just that much value 😉

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      • Neecy
        Oct 03, 2011 @ 07:57:11

        ITA with everything you said BOB! That woman is USING him. No woman would ever send signals that she sees more in a man than a friend and not follow through on it unless she was trying to keep him around for her own selfish reasons. The fact is she cannot follow through on the “suggesting” and Hints she gave him b/c she doesn’t like him at all in a romantic way.

        It would be totally different if she never even suggested or made hints to them being more than friends. But in this case she did and women like that play games and use people for their own gains.

        And when or if he does start dating a girl who actually follows through and shows she likes him, this selfish “friend” of his will do her best to ruin it! MARK MY WORDS. I see chicks do this all the time. They don’t want the guy as a b/f but they also don’t want to see other women get the attention and benefits she was getting. Men need to stop wasting time with women like this and either hang around women they don’t like romantically or move on when a woman has mislead them.

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  19. Retsie
    Oct 02, 2011 @ 12:47:06

    I don’t know what i’ll do Neecy. I have been friends with her for a while now so I do want to remain friends.

    When she gets a boyfriend i’ll just have to live with it.

    Thanks for the sympathetic ear Neecy.

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    • Neecy
      Oct 03, 2011 @ 07:49:50

      I think you owe it to yourself to do what is best for yourself. I understand you like having her as a friend but honestly are you doing it b/c she cried and sobbed saying she cherishes your friendship? It seems you are still going above and beyond for a woman that has yet to return the favor. In fact, she USED your friendship and you by misleading you. As Bob said above, she said those things that led you to believe you would be more than fiends to keep whatever benefits she has with you being her friend. After you made your move, she is still asking you to stand by and be her friend after she MISLEAD YOU? That is not a friend Retsie. That is a woman using you for her own gains. The fact that even after she mislead you she had the audacity to say she cherishes your friendship is really not right.

      Understand Retsie. Women can be very selfish and play games. When there is a man around that is willing to be there and do everything and not ask for anything in return, he is always going to get used! And mark my words. She will ruin any relationship you may eventually have with a new girl b/c she will use the fact that YOU LIKE HER as a way to keep you out of any relationships where other women may gain and benefit from you. I have seen it all before, meanwhile you will be sitting by like a happy toy while she gets to date and be intimate with all the men she wants b/c she put you in the friend zone.

      PLEASE do not further subject yourself to this. You deserve better for yourself. The fact is the woman MISLEAD and lies to you and you should be moving away from women like this and working on finding a woman that appreciated you and is willing to give back what you’re giving her. I think you are digging yourself deeper into a hole by remaining friends with that selfish chick.

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