If you’re a guy who has heard this or experienced those unfortunate words from that girl you were head over heels for, please cyber raise your hand. Why? B/C Neecy is going to walk over and give you a hug. 😦
I wonder how many men throughout their lifetime fall into this category? You know it’s a girl you like, you assume the “good guy” that befriends her, gets to know her better, does things to show your appreciation, always there when she needs you – and once you feel the momentum has shifted in your favor to make that move and she drops the hammer “I don’t see you that way, can’t we just be friends”.
That sucks. Really, really sucks.
Now I am not talking about a guy who is *working* his way up to win over a girl. To me, many men will do this to win over a girl and I think this is perfectly normal. Some situations call for more “getting to know you” time before anyone makes a move to the next level. It doesn’t always have to be right away that intentions are revealed for romantic interest. Often times the sexual/romantic tension building is the fun part of being around a person you are attracted to. The key word here is “ATTRACTED” to.
If after a certain period of time, nothing is being reciprocated then the guy needs to ask himself how long he plans on doing this before he moves on with his self-esteem in tact. That time frame may vary in certain situations. But it should be short if you and the girl are interacting physically face to face on a regular basis. Keep in mind this is ONLY in cases where the guy has an actual interest beyond just simply being a cool friend to a girl he doesn’t have any real feelings for but really likes her as a person and enjoys her time or company.
So, What does “Let’s just be friends” *REALLY* mean? Lemme just give it to you straight with no chaser – The gina tingles come on quickly and IMMEDIATLEY when a woman has interacted with a man face-to-face and has an attraction. So if she is LJBF you, she isn’t feeling you in a romantic way at all.
The question and confusion that leaves guys bewildered is that they did everything that they felt they were supposed to do to win that woman’s affections only to be relegated to the “let’s Just Be Friends” corner.
The problem they didn’t see or understand up front before putting their heart on a platter is – intimacy and attraction beyond friendship to the opposite sex is mostly ALWAYS IMMEDIATE. When you meet and interact face-to-face with someone, there is very little time needed to know if you are romantically or sexually attracted to them. This goes for both men and women. Rarely do people who have been friends for long periods of time develop intimate relationships. If a woman or man wants or sees you in a romantic fashion it will most always be right away – UNLESS there are other things that are coming in between the two getting together (like either of the two already being involved in romantic relationships with other people and therefore cannot act on their desires for each other).
IOW’s a man should not have to “build” up a woman’s sexual/romantic attraction to him. It’s either there or it isn’t. Now conversely, immediate sexual attraction to someone *CAN* wane/decrease immediately or over time if the person exhibits traits that turn off the person who was initially attracted to them. But it’s very difficult to conjure up attraction to someone that you didn’t have it for initially upon meeting them or interacting with them regularly face-to-face– at least never in my experience – what about you?
I have heard of instances where people who have known each other for a long time suddenly one day look into each other’s eyes and fall in love after so many years. But in those cases I wonder if there was always a sexual attraction there but for whatever reasons it was not convenient to disclose it?
Once the LJBF’s hammer is dropped, often times the male in the situation becomes angry or feels betrayed and/or used. The woman also becomes angry b/c he put her in a weird awkward situation. She also may feel betrayed or manipulated b/c she really thought he was sincerely trying to be her friend but b/c he never really came out and expressed what his real interests were – to ultimately be with her on an intimate level.
This also put the girl in an awkward situation to have to let the guy down who has been so good to her and whom has been her “friend”. B/C he did so many nice things for her and there is usually only one of two things a woman can do in this kind of situation early on – either *blatantly assume* he wants more with her than a friendship & on her own accord come out and say “you know I do not see you in an intimate way so if we are going to be friends we are just going to be friends” OR forces her to accept the nice things he is dong for her and puts the onus on her to later break the bad news that she really just sees him as a friend. Can you imagine how bad either choice is?
The other thing that happens is she may become angry or feel manipulated and in worse cases sees the guy as a sneaky snake. Although, the man in question may not have intended to be manipulative, the fact that he did nice things to gain her affections without literally coming out and saying what he really wants from her makes some women feel like he was being sneaky or manipulative. And then when he turns around and becomes hostile he suddenly appears to not be that sweet nice guy she has known – now the girl will feel he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. This frame of thought on the woman’s part *may* or *may not* be irrational, illogical and unfair, but its very common in these situations. And its real. So why not avoid being placed in either of those unfortunate boxes – especially if you are truly innocent of both?
How do you avoid being labeled a manipulative or sneaky snake? Simply be up front or avoid doing things for a woman over long periods of time who is not doing things for you in return AT ALL.
It’s a tough situation for both.
I get it sometimes. I know there are many guys who were raised by their mothers and society that the best way to identify with a woman is by trying to relate to her on all levels. Some women even babble this like this is what they really want, yet their actions show interest in the opposite kind of men. A lot of young men today are told that Picking up some of the traits normally found in women will get him further and *closer* with her. So the guy grows up more focused on how to please a woman and appeal to her soft sensitive side by showing her that he is soft, sensitive, supportive, and willing to go above and beyond and do anything to become the apple of her eye.
I *personally* don’t see anything wrong with this kind of behavior from a man who:
(1) is quickly and efficiently planning to make a move and not pull it out longer than it needs to be
(2) or for a man who is already * IN A REALTIONSHIP* with a woman
(3) a man who balances those things (sensitivity, supportiveness) with MASCULINE traits (i.e a happy medium). There is a time and place for a guy to show “softer side” traits –it’s not all the time.
(4) Requires you both are in some kind of reciprocating relationship where each person is happy with what they are currently getting out of the relationship.
However and unfortunately, in the case of the LJBF guy, he is *NOT* really getting what he wants.
Plainly put, the girl put you in the friend zone b/c she doesn’t see you in a romantic light. Once the guy has reached the point where he feels the momentum is there for him to make his move (the time frame for this can range from months to YEARS) he gets his heart broken. Many guys may react in different ways to this – they become angry and hostile, or sad, or upset b/c they felt used and betrayed. But the real issue needs to be with himself and the question he needs to ask himself is why go above and beyond for a person that has not returned the favor? Why give what is not being given back? The giving back from the girl doesn’t necessarily have to be the same thing you are giving her, but it needs to be something in which you are content and satisfied and not feeling as if you are the sole one always doing and giving with nothing being given back to you in return – even if its simply just appreciation or acknowledgement.
I can understand a young guy in his very early years not understanding this. But when a grown man continues to place himself as a doormat for a woman who has not even given him one iota of anything in return or who hasn’t shown any kind of appreciation or interest in him romantically then whose fault is that?
The general rule of thumb ANYONE should have when it comes to relationships of any sort is RECIPROCATION. ALWAYS. No ifs, ands, or butts. Write it down, read it, internalize it, marinate on it, and put it on your fridge to constantly remind yourself of this.
The reciprocation doesn’t have to be in the form of buying him things back. Reciprocation in the sense that he is also being fulfilled in some way for his time, resources or both. If you find yourself constantly, giving, doing, supporting, going out of your way, above and beyond for someone who is *NOT* returning that, then you need to step back and recalibrate and start seeing that its up to each and every individual to look out for their own best interest first.
Not only that, why waste precious time by not saying or expressing early on what it is you expect or want from that particular girl? Why waste extensive time and resources on a woman who is not your g/f or wife or long-time companion? How do you expect to reward the actual women who do show you love and make you happy by reciprocating what you give to them? Why should the women who aren’t giving you anything reap all of your benefits and resources? Its juts not smart (or fair) to the women out there that you could have spent that time and resources on in where she would have appreciated and returned the favor.
Ok, Women are not stupid. They know when a man has the hots for them. In an ideal world, women who knew this but didn’t have an attraction for the guy would simply before things even got past GO say in some manner that she has no interest in him romantically. But now the guy is expecting her to assume he has an interest in her in the first place. The guy actually may not have any romantic interest but feels she is a cool chick that he wants to be cool with. How much of a turn off would it be if a woman mistakenly and blatantly assumed that a guy liked her more than a friend and then to only be told “not so”? But it’s a tricky situation when the guy never says this but does what he can to develop a friendship with you. The woman has to either go by her intuition and ASSUME he likes her (although he hasn’t really said it) and either make herself look stupid or full of herself by saying straight out that she only sees the said guy as a friend and nothing more OR the girl simply doesn’t know what to do or say and blocks it out until dooms day when he comes out (after a period of time being in her life as a platonic friend) and finally openly expresses what he *really* wants.
Women, although they may never say it and may even be annoyed always prefer a man in some way to reveal his intentions in some manner of fashion. He doesn’t have to come right out and say he has a romantic or sexual interest but there are ways guys can and do, do this that make it very clear why “he’s there”. If it is for more than a friendship, this needs to be revealed EARLY and quickly. That gives the woman the OPTION without guilt to make her own decision on whether she wants to accept the offer or turn it down. In any case, she is able to make a choice without the feeling of guilt or *feeling* manipulated (I say *feeling* manipulated b/c I don’t always believe this is the true intentions of the guy in question to manipulate her – but it can and does come off this way for some women).
So the bad boys or more alpha types who are pretty straightforward may get rewarded for doing so b/c they are fully transparent and leaves it up to the girl to make the decision. But the nice guy who is spending all his time and resources trying to build her SEXUAL CONNECTION to him yet not saying anything until she has invested in the “friendship” doesn’t really give her any options other than breaking his heart or lying to him and pacifying his desires for a short period of time to only hurt him more later when she finally reveals she doesn’t feel that kind of attraction for him.
Ladies and gentlemen –it is up to each.and.every. individual to understand that you have a right to hold out on giving up your time and resources to people, places or things that have not shown any kind of reciprocation. This is the key to any healthy or happy relationships be them sexual, platonic. No one should be going above and beyond to “WIN” someone over for long periods of time with uncertainty. Like I said, its normal for a man to try to win a woman over very early and quickly upon knowing her or being around her.
But after a short time if he sees his efforts are in vain, he simply moves on and does so without feeling he has really lost anything in the process. Save that for the person who has undoubtedly shown the same kind of interest in you. One in which you know both are doing their fair share to keep the other happy. Relationships should always be 50/50. Not 60/40, 70/30, 80/20. Anytime someone is doing more than their fair share, that means someone else isn’t and only disastrous results lie ahead for the person doing the most.
Let’s just be friends is tough on both the man and the woman involved. A man is best off saving his money, times and resources for women who are undoubtedly interested in him or who are providing the same kind of energy towards him.
And ladies, my next post will cover this regarding women who allow themselves to be the chick on the side, the booty call who so desperately does everything that a g/f, wife, or long term companion does yet she is not reaping the benefits of either and is still hoping to be placed in one of those positions by making herself completely and totally available to a man who has no intentions on committing to her and giving her what she desires most – a relationship. JUST STOP IT!
Now let’s all make an oath to reciprocating relationships!
*NEECY’S NEST PARTICIPANTS OATH TO RECIPROCATION*
I , ________________ will not give anyone what they are not willing to give to me. And if someone is giving themselves to me, I will return the favor in some fashion to let them know “I see you” and I appreciate your efforts and time and want to show that by giving back what I can. Anything less than reciprocation is NOT a healthy two way street relationship but rather and simply put – someone being used.