Woo hoo exciting stuff huh?
Alright for those PUA challenged visitors I am not talking about these kinds of shit tests:
*****Picking up a piece of shit, placing it under a microscope, and running tests on the organisms within it.
*****Testing what it is that causes you to take a shit
*****Sitting down in class suddenly realizing “Oh SHIT, there’s a TEST!!”
*****Testing your shit throwing skills by throwing it at people you hate. *wait, this actually sounds like a great way to let someone know you hate them*
Nooo. We’re talking about the commonly used term “shit test” that the PUA’s use to describe what women do to the men in our lives or sometimes even men we may not even know, but who may be trying to get to know us. Instead of picking up shit and throwing it at men who irk us, or sporting t-shirts that say “Men are stupid throw shit at them” women shit test in the form of words and actions that seek to put men on the defensive or offensive.
It makes sense I have to say and I am a bit surprised this is not a more well-known commonly used term in culture and society. I actually believe the new term for women nagging and/or “trying” men is called shit testing b/c, let’s face it ladies we do it – sometimes consciously and other times unconsciously. Basically, we are giving them (men) shit and seeing whether or not they can pass whatever it is our little female minds can conjure up to determine if the guy is worthwhile – hence SHIT TESTING.
THE TEST OF THE SHIT TEST – Will the shit testee fold or hold?
Now shit testing does not just or only apply to women/men in intimate relationships, but shit testing can be done to anyone in whom the shit tester is trying to establish some sort of hierarchy or dominance in some sort of a relationship. It also stems around testing another person to see if they are able to stand up to you and hold their ground, or if they will buckle, fold and give in to your shit test. If they do (the latter), then usually you have gained control and power in that relationship and the other person in your eyes has failed to make the grade as the power player in the relationship. If they react in the former, they have established themselves as a force to be reckoned with b/c they are able to hold their ground. Matt, Neecy Nest participant had a great explanation on how both men and women shit test outside of the relationship arena.
“Shit testing is done by everybody, male or female, when they first meet somebody. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship they’re entering (professional, intimate, friendly, etc). It’s done both to establish the boundaries of that relationship and to gauge what the hierarchy in the relationship is (who’s dominant, subordinate, etc). It’s not necessarily abusive. It’s just the “feeling out” part of the relationship.
The difference I’ve noticed between men and women’s shit testing is that once the hierarchy of a man’s relationship, or group, has been established, he stops. Women almost never do. My guess is because men use groups to accomplish a specific task so the leadership doesn’t need to be called into question unless the leader is doing something monumentally stupid. Women’s groups seem to be much more fluid and constantly changing. Hence, more shit testing to make sure the leader is always fit to lead.”
Very true and real. Although, all shit testing is not abusive, too many people do abuse it. Look at group interactions of any sort and you will see shit testing going on from those seeking to gain power or control in that setting. Your boss, that bitchy co-worker, the person trying to cut in front of you in line at the semi-annual IKEA sale and any situation where someone is trying to gain control of a situation, they will shit test you to see if you will either fold or hold.
Notice the times you folded, what usually happens. That person continues to test you and their power or control over you. If you hold, that person shit testing you will eventually stop shit testing b/c it’s a waste of their time and they know they will not get anywhere, or they will actually become the submissive person b/c they just wanted to see first see how you would handle confrontation or your ability to take control. In more ideal situations, if you do hold, the person (even if they have already established some power over you) will respect you and treat you as an equal more than a subordinate.
SHIT TESTING MEN – THE RIGHTS OF PASSAGE TO MANHOOD IN A WOMAN’S EYES
Women usually shit test men whom they may deem as being invaluable, showing signs of weakness, one in which her spidey senses are urging her that dood is full of shit, or one in which she is trying to test his ability to establish a dominant masculine stance. WHY? b/c she ultimately is looking for a partner that she can trust and depend on to be a man and stand up for himself and the people he loves. So shit testing is a round-about way of learning these things and whether or not her attraction to the guy will decrease or increase based on his reaction.
Softy guys who take shit test after shit test from a woman and FAIL, eventually dig themselves deeper into the “he’s a wimp” abyss with women b/c most women want a dominant/assertive kind of guy with some backbone. (BTW Dominant doesn’t mean asshole at the Nest). Once he does this, she uses her power to constantly degrade or put him on the spot testing his manhood.
Shit testing by women is COMMONLY done in LTR’s and in marriages. The naggy wife who is always on her man’s case and busting his balls b/c he isn’t living up to her expectations as a partner or man.
The best ways for a woman to avoid being a shit testing wife or LTR g/f is by picking and choosing her men properly in the beginning. IMO if shit testing *MUST* be done it should be done at the initial stages of meeting and getting to know a guy as opposed to the latter stages when you have already entered into a serious commitment with him.
Of course, things and people can change over time and that is out of one’s control *shrug*. But my point? Ladies, If you are a woman that shit tests your guy frequently, then its YOU who has to ask yourself why you’d rather spend time and energy nagging someone that you obviously don’t trust or respect and why you have not moved on. Consistent shit testing on a woman’s part signals a high tolerance for drama, BS and games IMO.
I know a person very well who I realized does this to her husband CONSTANTLY. And she does this b/c her husband is a nice guy but has not been able to establish a dominant role in the relationship. He doesn’t work and is not very educated. He doesn’t initiate sex or intimacy. She is the bread winner and has felt the stress and pressure of being the sole person providing for their entire family. This bugs her as well as the fact that he doesn’t take control in the bedroom to fulfill her sexual needs.
Before they married, he was in a much better position and promised her a lot of things. Now married (each has a child from previous relationships that both live with them) things have been a struggle for the most part. She is working 2 jobs as a result to keep their heads above water. So as a result, she is constantly shit testing him in front of friends, family and others. And I notice the times he stands up for himself she backs off and calms down and laughs. Other times when he caves in, it’s like steam rolling to the 100th power on her part. She goes in for the kill and doesn’t stop! Its one issue to the next…
Here’s my personal view on shit testing. I, Neecy, will only shit test a guy or person if my spidey senses are telling me something is up and not right. In the past and even presently I have only shit tested former b/f’s or guys whom I felt were trying to pull a fast one or whom I feel were lying or simply up to no good.
Usually for me, a guy can easily establish a dominant role simply by doing so without the urge of a shit test. But some women cannot or have not learned the other ways in which she can feel out a guys “backbone” factor other than shit testing him.
SHIT TESTING MEN AS A DEFENSE MECHANISM
In the male / female dating arena its women who are the choosier sex and therefore part of being choosy means screening out the undesirables. Women will “shit test” men to see if he meets her requirements or to make sure he is legit or has good intentions. I don’t bother. I just simply observe his words, actions and demeanor and make a judgment from there. Shit testing in general is to dramafied in my eyes, but shit testing a guy you don’t know or really care about is a waste of time and energy. All a woman has to do is be observant.
A man up to no good usually will slip it out *I wasn’t talking about his member but since you brought it up, yes even his MEMBER* LIKE CLOCK WORK if a woman is paying close attention. But I am not every woman and fact is most women shit test guys they don’t know to protect themselves from crazies, predators, assholes up to no good, and players (provided she is not attracted to these types and seeks to avoid them).
Also, women who have been burned a lot of times by men are the ultimate shit tester’s b/c they have developed shit testing as a defense mechanism to avoid types she may have been hurt or used by in the past.
MEN? YES, MEN SHIT TEST!
Contrary to popular belief MEN shit test women too. I don’t care what they say ladies, they do it. However, it’s usually not in the same way women do it. Men shit test for two reasons and two different ways IMO.
(1) To establish a dominant position in a relationship in a healthy way
(2) To establish a dominant position in a relationship in an UNHEALTHY way
The first guy who shit tests in a healthy way is a man who, unlike a woman will not say things or let on to the fact he is shit testing. His is a lot less dramafied than a woman’s shit test. A lot of times a woman doesn’t even know she is being shit tested by such a man b/c he is very much able to do so very easily without notice.
When a man is testing a woman’s ability to be a submissive easy going partner, he will simply without asking or letting on TAKE control and start doing things that a more dominant/assertive man would do in any situation. He assumes control – but in a non-threatening and attractive way. If the woman responds favorably and adjusts accordingly, things are good to go and he will not shit test her throughout the relationship unless in some way she challenges his masculinity or dominance. If the woman responds in a she-man ball busting iron fist femnazi on steroids kind of fashion, he simply finds his way out of that arrangement – and fairly quickly. IOW’s guy number 1 shit tests as needed, but usually with subtle actions and not many words.
Guy number 2 is the asshole who asserts his dominance over a woman by literally tearing her down and making her feel inferior. This guy uses more words than anything to tame a woman and to force her into a submissive role by playing on her insecurities. Liza commented a provided a good example of things guys like this do to shit test women:
“Men do a lot of “shit testing “as well (i.e. making rude off color remarks, flirting with other women, talking about or with other women and so on).”
YEP! Men like this cannot gain dominance in a healthy way, and instead seek to make a woman feel “less than” by brow beating her subconscious into a submissive role in a negative way in which she feels she is beneath the guy.
When a guy does those things Liza mentioned, he is trying to keep his woman on the defensive constantly – second guessing herself and her value as a woman and in that particular relationship, and overestimating his value. Guys like this are the female version of a Drama Queen. They like and love drama and constant arguing, fussing, and negative banter between themselves and the women who put up with their nonsense. They do not like even keeld well balanced non dramafied relaitonships. AVOID at all costs ladies!
Unlike guy number one – who stops shit testing after he has established IN A HEALTHY WAY a dominant position in the relationship, guy number 2 NEVER STOPS shit testing. He understands that he has to continuously shit test a woman to keep her and to feel like a man.
Many women fall for these types of men not really understanding what real dominance consists of in a man. They believe this guy is a *REAL MAN* because he asserts himself that way, although real men don’t have to do or say much to gain dominance in a relationship with a woman – a woman of any substance will naturally fall in her place with the *RIGHT* guy.
IS SHIT TESTING REALLY NECESSARY?
Hmmm. Good question Neecy! Maybe someone can answer that?
I guess my point in this essay is to make men aware of the fact that it’s not just women who shit test. Although men do it in different ways, a shit test by any other gender is still a shit test.
As I mentioned, shit testing can be healthy if done infrequently and at initial stages of any sort of relationship. Also, if its done in a way that doesn’t make the person feel defensive. Shit testing done frequently in excess that causes others to be on the defensive, is just a sign (IMO) that a person (the shit tester) has a high tolerance for drama and BS.
The idea of shit testing never occurred to me even though I have done it or see it done in real life, TV, movies by people. I think it should be more widely discussed and described as to make people aware of why they feel the need to shit test and if there are more or better ways at establishing healthy ways of gaining power, respect or giving others control, power and respect in a relationship.
I know for myself any relationship I enter, I won’t tolerate unhealthy frequent shit tests and I don’t feel my partner should either.