Aaah! Flirting. Everyone woman loves it – when it’s done right. Unfortunately, some men do not know the right ways in which to flirt and to hold a woman’s interest and attraction, b/c they may not fully understand how women communicate much differently from them as men.
Flirting is done in so many different ways based on a man’s personality, the setting he is in, and the woman. I think the key to being successful at flirting and creating that push pull kind of situation where the woman is kept highly engaged is that a man has to really know and understand communication styles as well as how women often communicate differently than men.
Me personally, I fall for the charming guys. They are typically quite engaging and know the right amount of balance between flattery and they often know how to keep moving in and out of flirting, flattery and regular conversation. Charming guys are well aware of the communication differences between men and women generally and in social settings – and as a result are able to keep women engaged. They use these guidelines on how female communicate etc., to know whether or not to pursue, not pursue, to keep going or to back off. IOW’s a charming guy will never FORCE anything b/c he is aware of his boundaries and limitations. But he will also push for the close based on gaining enough info from the women’s indirect positive response.
The good thing is there is no one-size-fits-all approach for many charming men and I have found a variety of styles they use based on the setting they are in, possibly their mood and depending on their mission. Down further I will break down the different types of charming men I have come across over time.
FIRST THINGS FIRST – WOMEN’S BODY LANGUAGE / FACIAL EXPRESSIONS – KNOW IT!
Okay not many men are charming and here’s why – THEY DON’T GET WOMEN’S NON VERBAL CUES, BODY LANGUAGE AND FACIAL EXPRESSIONS. As a result they either force too much or pull back too much b/c they don’t know how to read. This can be frustrating for women b/c if a woman in fact wants a guy to move it forward, but he does not really understand her body language is telling him to do so, he’ll clam up and back off. Or if a woman has no interest and is showing this through body language and the guy keeps forcing iignoring the obvious that is also frustrating and can make for an ugly situation depending on the woman and her mood.
This is soooooo important. Yes we as individuals are unique but as genders there are quite a bit of things that we all typically do similarly in different situations. Women have pretty much the same ways of communicating and showing interest in men.
“YES” Body language = “SHUT UP AND ASK FOR MY PHONE NUMBER, ADDRESS, or THE THREAD COUNT OF THE SHEETS WE’LL BE GETTIN BUSY ON” and “NO” body language = “SHUT UP, KEEP IT MOVING, and/or SECURITY!!!”
A woman will IMMEDIATLEY let a man know (usually through her body language and interactions with him) if she likes him “in that way”. This is where men need to be more observant and aware of non-verbal cues b/c women are masters in giving nonverbal cues.
In fact, women are much more comfortable in giving nonverbal cues to men b/c it takes the onus off of us to have be the one who is coming off as the pursuer and/or we feel we don’t have to DIRECTLY say how we are feeling that may make a situation awkward or uncomfortable. IOW’s a woman would rather send nonverbal cues that say “I have no interest. Not feeling you in that way” than have to come out directly and say it. Unfortunately, a lot of men push women to the latter b/c they overlook very tell signs of non interest. As a result the woman either ignores him or tells him flat out it’s not that kind of party.
I feel men really need to work at truly understanding how women communicate through their body language and by using nonverbal cues and/or hints to be successful in getting women and engaging them. But often when men have their eyes on a prize they don’t stop going after it until it’s either obtained or until it’s solidly not available to him (through directly being told she has no interest). Some men don’t even pursue the prize (although it’s there for the taking) b/c they cannot read a woman’s interest.
SIGNALS of non-romantic interest:
*** Avoiding eye contact (BIGGEST SIGN EVER)
*** Being very cordial and platonic.
*** Not responding to or avoiding flirty banter and playful banter (even when he is trying)
*** Closed off body language (i.e. standing at distance, folded arms, body moved away from yours, trying to avoid eye contact).
Also, if you are out and look at a woman and she turns and averts her eyes away fairly quickly from you (not wanting to maintain any eye contact) as you look at her, that can mean 1 of 2 things:
(1) she doesn’t want to talk to you and averting her eyes away means no interest
(2) She is really shy and doesn’t know how to respond to a man’s gaze.
In this case you have to make a decision. If you are a risk taker with a “what the hell” kind of mindset and feel the girl may be shy (which doesn’t necessarily mean uninterested), then I say go for it. But if you aren’t sure or deep down feels that look away from you as you looked at her is a signal that she doesn’t wanna be bothered, then please do not try to force and interaction.
When a woman likes a guy her body language is more open and direct and her facial expressions will express that. Whether she is letting him know that it’s okay to approach her or whether you are in mid conversation with her.
Initially women will always hold a man’s gaze if he is interested, looks her way and she likes what she sees as well. She will hold 3-5 seconds (possibly with slight smile), then look away very subtly, then look back. CHA CHING! That means it’s a green light!
That is much different from her averting eyes away and NEVER looking back (which means she is not interested.) Also, the NON romantic interest body language and facial expressions points I listed will be the reverse when a woman has an interest.
CHA CHING! HAS BEEN CASHED IN AND YOU’RE NOW IN CONVERSATION/FLIRT MODE
Women continue to show through body language and facial expressions their interest even after a guy has approached them. When he is talking with her or flirting, her responsive positive “yes” body language will always be somewhat big:
— Open eyes
— Direct eye contact
— Giggling, laughing,
— touching playfully or just slightly when interacting
— Body is moved more inward to his even when standing apart
— Almost everything he says is funny
— She can’t stop smiling and she is very engaged at everything you say
The point I am making is, women are very complex, but very simple when it comes to one thing – if we want or like a man, we will not waste time giving in to his advances. Also, if you know a woman on regular basis and pursuing her for intimacy, do not mistake a woman holding out on intimacy until a relationship or trust has been established, with a woman simply having zero interest in EVER being intimate with you in any kind of way. There is a huge difference. If I am attracted to a guy but I am not willing or ready to sleep with him, he will still know my attraction to him. If I am not ever interested in romantic or intimacy with a man, he will also know fairly soon. This is the case with most women as well.
A MANS NATURE AND A WOMAN’S NURTURE (and vice versa) CAN BE HARMONIOUS IF MEN LEARN TO RESPOND TO, UNDERSTAND, EMBRACE AND COME TO
TERMS WITH LOVE WOMEN’S NON VERBAL CUES
I feel this is the BIGGEST mistake men make when it comes to women they are interested in. . Whether it be a situation where a guy is out in a public or social setting and wants to approach a woman, he often does not know what to look for in terms of her giving him cues and hints (through body language) that he is welcome to come and talk to her.
I’m gonna beat this horse till it’s dead about the friendship thing, b/c this especially applies in cases where a man is befriending a woman thinking this is the easiest and best Segway to gain romantic interest.
Honestly I think men do this b/c its nature vs. nurture for them. I believe b/c men are much more practical and typically straight forward they have a hard time reading subtle hints and non-verbal cues and non-direct forms of communication from women especially. And this is how a lot of guys get turned down or friend zoned and later confused at “what happened” when he dropped the hammer and the girl suddenly has to tell him directly “I don’t see you in a romantic way”.
Women will ALWAYS, ALWAYS give you a hint or clue as to whether they are attracted to you in some way or as more than a friend. And it’s usually IMMEDIATLEY. But the issue is, it’s rarely ever directly communicated (verbally) by a woman as to whether she likes you in a romantic way or not. I believe this is nurture for women b/c women are raised to be nice, caring and to avoid hurting people’s feelings.
Men OTOH, are raised to be more direct and straightforward and to not feel guilty about hurting someone’s feelings. This is why men will almost NEVER end up with a woman he is not attracted to AT ALL, and why most women will and can force themselves to be with a guy who she is really not attracted to b/c she doesn’t want to seem mean or hurt his feelings or b/c she feels it’s the right thing to do to not let him down since he “is a nice guy”.
Also, directness for many women is considered a masculine trait and so young girls are raised to avoid being too direct – especially if it may make someone feel bad. So you have women who use other not so direct forms of communication to express what we are feeling. Just know that BODY LANGUAGE& FACIAL EXPRESIONS is a woman’s direct form of communication for ANYTHING – even in non-romantic settings. And this is what we use with men in general to communicate how we feel about them and where they stand.
CHARMING MAN ROLL CALL!
CHARMING MAN I – THE DRIVE BY CHARMER
A charming man already knows what level he plans on going with a woman before he even talks or says a word to her. Sometimes he just wants to flirt and say something complimentary but keep it short, simple, sweet b/c he really has no interest on really moving things beyond that (may possibly already be taken, time constraints, etc).
One day at work I was walking out of a building back to my car. A well dressed and handsome man who was walking past me looked at me and said “beautiful” with a flirty smile and kept going. Now I’m sure some smart arse in the audience is saying to themselves “Uuuh Neecy, actually he was talking about that hot drop top beamer that was parked right behind you”. OH BLAH! 🙄
Well, after making the compliment (to the hot drop top beamer 😆 ), he didn’t look back, didn’t try to stop me and talk he just said his flattery and kept on going. And I thought that was awesome. I say that b/c a lot of times many men feel every woman he sees out in public that he finds attractive should be pursued. A charming high value man will not just feel the need to try to level every attractive chick he sees out. Some of his pleasure derives from lighting a spark in a woman for just a moment and then leaving her with that.
This is what I love about charming men. They do not feel the need to corner every woman they may see as physically attractive. They may make a simple comment to let the woman know “he likey” and that’s it. And when a guy does this, ALL women are going to have a better day and feel good on the inside. And in my eyes part of a man’s charm is that he can create a spark in a woman and sometimes leave it at that. He uses even the smallest things to make a woman feel slightly good without compromising himself to look like a desperate dweeb supplicating to her.
CHARMING MAN II – THE SOLID BRASS PICTURE FRAME
This guy is all about maintaining a strong frame and controlling every step of the “getting to the next level/closing” process, so that the close and leveling is pretty much a no brainer “YES” from the woman. He’s not gonna come right out and ask you for the digies even though you know eventually he will. He’s not going to come right out and say you look “hot” or whatever. He’s not going to be TOTALLY direct about his intentions until he has you in the palm of his hands. You know ladies that guy where he is talking to you about everything under the sun and God knows what and you know he is going to try to level but he’s basically teasing you and all you can think about is saying “SHUT UP AND ASK FOR MY PHONE NUMBER ALREADY DAMMIT!”.
Mmm hmm, gotta love those ones too. This kind of charming man is feeling you out every step of the way and as he learns (through your open body language, facial expression, and motions) more about your heightened attraction, he slowly moves closer and closer to the close making you more anxious. This kind of guy needs to know before he closes that he already has the close (if you feel what I am saying). So by the time he asks for the next step it’s already a 90% chance you are going to say “yes” b/c he built your anxiousness and saw that based on your verbal and/or nonverbal cues pointing in the direction of “RAVAGE.ME.NOW!. Thanks 😀 “
As anxious as a woman may be with a charming guy who is using small talk as his Segway to level, you gotta let this kind of guy do things his way b/c the big thing for him is control and frame. By making small talk but still subtly hinting that he is interested, he is keeping his frame from being too focused on the way you look or the fact that he likes you. He is basically leading the way to the next level but doing it very slowly and precisely so that it’s an easier close for both you and him and no awkwardness whatsoever when he finally does ask for your phone number or whatever that next step would be.
Also a guy like this is able to keep things in a timing aspect b/c eventually he will level at the right time that he feels he has you in the palm of his hands.
Usually this approach works best and ONLY usually in a setting where the woman or he is not too rushed. Mostly approaches like this work in an already social setting where people are mingling and socializing. This approach wouldn’t really work outside of that b/c it takes time and both people need to be somewhat relaxed with no concern about the next 5 minutes.
CHARMING MAN III – THE TEASER PLEASER & THE BANTER PANTHER
He’s the playful “negger” and teaser with good intentions. He busts your chops and flirts with you at the same time. His approach is to keep you from thinking too much about the fact the he’s prolly trying to get in your drawls or to get to know you better (i.e. phone number). The last thing on your mind is his intentions to get you in the bed (if that is his intention). He’s keeping things light and fun to take the pressure and possibly awkwardness off of himself and even you – but more so himself.
This guy is cleaver and creative and ballsy in a good way. He knows how far to go and he has quick knee jerk responses to create playful bantering. He wants you to give him back just as much as he is giving you – but mostly he seeks to keep you a bit off balance and unexpecting and even doing more giggling and laughing and playfully touching him.
But he isn’t so amusing and funny that he throws you off when he drops the hammer. This charming yet funny guy is well aware of how much funny and flirty go hand in hand to create a nice balance and easy transition for himself and you. He’s maintaining control and frame but in a more humorous way.
This is where if you are a guy that is not good with humor and it’s not really your best attribute, then please don’t do it. B/C what you will end up doing is looking like you are trying. you won’t have the off the cuff witty and cleaver teasing and bantering, and most of all you will get sidetracked with being too funny that it will be REEEEALY awkward once you try to shift to a more serious state to ask for her phone number.
This kind of approach needs to be leveled with teasing YET with flirting so that it’s not a weird or awkward transition to later ask her for the digits. IOW’s the playful banter/teasing needs to always have a foundation in showing an intimate interest and need to move to the next level. Basically, there should be no surprises when you go from cracking a joke and she’s in tears laughing and just as she is catching her breathe from laughing so hard you drop the hammer and ask for her number and she’s like “WTF?”.
(There was a great example of this on a post some months back on heartiste’s. A guy posted a clip from the movie “DEPARTED” with Matt Damon. It was an elevator scene with a woman and it awesomely showed the right amount of playful/flirty banter with a woman he saw in the elevator and was able to close before she was out of the elevator. I tried looking it up but couldn’t find the post.)
A live example I can think of is there was a guy I worked with and I *felt* he was interested but wasn’t really sure. Eventually I thought he was just being a nice guy, but then he dropped the hammer and I was like “HUH where’d that come from!” LOL. IOW’s he was always joking with me and making me laugh but he never really flirted with me in the process. So after a while the original idea I had that he had an interest faded and I suddenly believed he was just a funny guy who loved to joke around and tease. So I thought nothing of it. Well one day he got serious and after a bit of laughing at his jokes and things he just came out and asked me if he could call me. It was just a little awkward and weird b/c it threw me off guard since it was so unexpected and b/c he quickly went from one mood to another. I am not saying it’s a bad thing, but it is awkward when you do too much playful teasing and bantering without mixing in your interest so that when you drop the hammer it’s no surprise to her and she was kinda expecting that all the teasing and flirting was a means to an end.
CHARMING MAN IV – THE JAGERMEISTER SHOT WITH NO CHASER (the flirty risk taker)
He’s direct but not in a creepy way. He’s pretty much going to shoot first and ask questions later. But he doesn’t do it in an overly aggressive way that turns you off. This charmer is just more of a risk taker than anything. Instead of writing out what he does I’ll give you a couple examples that I felt worked well.
It seems that most of the best flirts and/or openers from men I have received was in a stressful situations. I believe that a man who is a stranger than can take a woman he doesn’t even know out of her stressful or frustrating mindset is awesome.
THE SPORTS BAR HOTTIE
Several months ago I was meeting a friend at a sports bar for dinner and drinks. I happened to get there before she did and while I was waiting I decided to go and sit in the bar section and was seated near the end of the table next to a party of guys.
Well one guy I saw kept looking over at me and I am sure he saw I was obviously waiting for someone and that I was a bit anxious b/c I was looking around for her b/c she was very very late. Anyway after about 30 mins. of waiting for my friend I was not happy.
So I pulled out my cell phone to call her and as I am about to dial he says “Calling me? I’m right here. Did you not see me when you came in? “ (haha! TIGHT) and he added something else but I just thought that was awesome timing. I liked the fact that he also took a risk b/c I could have easily been waiting for my b/f, husband or another man and he still took that risk. I’m sure he had been thinking of probably another approach b/c I kept seeing him eyeing me the whole time and I guess he saw it was the perfect time to do a creative opener on me (taking a risk) obviously b/c I had the look of frustration on my face and b/c I was also waiting for someone. And it worked like a charm! It opened up the door for more conversation and we ended up exchanging numbers (too bad he lived too far away) Oh wells.
But the point is that guy took a risk and had a really creative opener (at least I thought so) to position himself for further discussion if he wanted to move it forward, based on my response which was laughter ( I even told him that was a good one and his buddies even laughed approvingly at his quick and creative opener), he saw the door was open to talk further.
THE CUTE VALET GUY BRIAN AT A CERTAIN HOTEL IN VEGAS
One example of how a guy was able to create fun and flirty banter in a creative way and which I thought was charming of him in this particular stressful situation was a couple months ago when I was in Vegas and I went to park in the valet. I even remembered this dude’s name — BRIAN! (Neecy is reaally really bad too at remembering names).
Anyway, The valet was SUUUUPER crowded and busy and the wait to leave your car was insane. So when I finally got close to the front after being HIGHLY frustrated and irritated with the wait, the crazies who kept honking, cutting in front of people etc.,, one of the valet guys (who was a TOTAL cutie and was being hounded by some lunatic bitching about his car and was obviously having a bad night as well) already gaged I was really frustrated and I could also tell he was a bit frustrated as well.
As he started to walk towards my car I was letting down my window & I started to go on complaining about how I needed to get my car back right away, how I couldn’t keep waiting etc. He didn’t even really acknowledge any of that (lol). He IMMEDIATLEY took me out of the state of frustration by looking and gazing at me with a flirty grin and then telling the loony who was stalking him to “hold on for one sec” and before I could say anything more he leaned in closer to my window and said “You look like you’d go for this. How bout this, I jump in drivers, you scoot to over to the passenger’s side, and I’ll aero plane off these cars in front and we can both escape from this hell?” LOL! I just let out this big ass laugh and he stood there (still in his solid frame with a slight smile and that knowing look on his face) while I giggled and laughed for about 30-40 seconds. The flirting continued from there once he saw I responded favorably. I also kept eye contact with him.
It’s as simple as that. No need for roses, candies, serenades, poems, etc. Just creative flirty banter that costs nothing and helps you to gain a woman’s interest
He was risky enough to test my resolve in a frustrating situation for both he and I. And he did it in a non-threatening but fun way. I’m positive almost any woman would have responded in the same favorable way.
Basically what I am saying is women LOOOOVE creativity and we also like guys who are *somewhat* risk takers (very different from being aggressively rude) in that they are unafraid to do or say something simple to gauge our interest or attraction to him.
SAFE WAYS TO GAUGE A WOMAN’S SEXUAL INTEREST & PUSH PULL
I think however, most men should take the safer route to gauging than risky, until he has mastered and had a lot of favorable reactions under his belt.
Push pull is easy when interacting with a woman when you are taking more of the teasing/playful approach and mixing it in with a little seriousness and showing of interest. IOW’s the woman is being pushed & pulled in different directions but in a good and exciting way. Also a man that can push pull in a flirting situation shows he is a bit more complex in his ability to not have a one track way of interacting with a woman. Most men flirt and show interest in one manner and keep going on that same route until they close. That’s fine but if you plan on interacting and engaging the woman for more than a few minutes, she’ll eventually start getting bored and want to end the conversation or she’ll start looking for outs (looking around for friends or others to mingle with).
Other men can mix things up and still stay on course and keep the woman engaged.
Some things I would suggest is playful teasing and flirty banter but not too much that she doesn’t realize you are interested in her. A woman will get the idea that you like her, but you haven’t given too much of yourself without receiving anything in return. You are also safe in that you haven’t completely let the cat out of the bag, but just enough to let her know you have somewhat of a sexual or intimate interest in her. When you take this approach and the woman is being pushed and pulled she in becoming anxious to see how you plan on moving it to the next level – so she continues to play along. Also, with playful/teasing flirty banter, the woman (if interested) will reciprocate in some way. So both parties are involved in the exchange and not solely one person doing all the pursuing. Things are very clear early on, in whether the BOTH of you are “feeling” each other.
I have found in most cases the easiest and quickest way for a man to gauge a woman’s interest is in how she responds to his flirts or playful flirty banter and eye contact. Some of the best guys know how to do this very quickly and take it from there. Whether you just met the woman or have known her this IMO is the best way to gauge interest and whether the door is open for you to move it to the next step.