(for all you fellas that think its so fun getting caught up with BPD chicks, read this story!)
So yesterday after work I decided to hit up my favorite sushi spot. As I was about to leave I saw a doctor who was one of my customers I used to call on about 4 years ago (damn time flies) who was one of my favorite docs and who had actually turned me onto this sushi place b/c my co-workers and I would always take he and his wife (who also worked in his office) there for lunch.
So he sees me and he gives me a hug and I notice something very strange. He was sitting at the sushi bar alone. So the *FIRST* thing I ask is where is his wife b/c they were *ALWAYS* together. You never saw one without the other. So immediately I figured something was wrong.
He looks at me with this smirk and says “Yeah. We’re divorcing, and if you have some time I can tell you the whole story”. I immediately felt really sad b/c he and his wife have been together for over 30 years since they were in high school and they were so close and they have a son who is very smart (and gorgeous he looks like an Abercrombie and Fitch model – no joke!) and is in first year of college.
To make a long story short, his wife apparently has had BPD all of her life but in the last 3 years it really surfaced and in a VERY VERY bad way. She basically tried killing herself 4 times and then suddenly started to blame him for all of her problems (anorexia, depression, etc) over the years (things she never even talked about or discussed with him). He said for almost two years he never knew what to expect from her b/c on her days off from the office she would do crazy erratic stuff and go off somewhere and try to kill herself. The final straw was she had driven up to San Francisco and was going to jump off a bridge etc.
Then she started saying how everyone had abused her. She lied and said her father abused her (her brother said it was a lie) and then she started saying Dr. X was abusing her (I cannot imagine this man doing such a thing). The real kicker is, the father and brother still always sided with him b/c they knew she was mentally ill and that she was lying.
Anyway. After all that and him trying to help her, she one day just cleaned out all of his accounts, credit cards etc. went to a Mercedes dealership and PAID ALL CASH on a new Mercedes worth 60K. BTW, she had to forge his name on all the paperwork at the banks and dealerships etc., b/c they had joint everything.
She was staying in a 4 seasons hotel for months and lied to her attorneys saying she was staying in a shelter. She continues blaming him for all of her problems and when he told her she better stop cleaning out the accounts and that he was going to close everything she went ballistic and started threatening him.
She eventually she put a restraining order on him and he no longer had access to his home, cars OR ANYTHING! He said he had to sleep on his boat, in the office patients rooms and finally ended up staying with a friend patient who rented their guest house out to him for 5 months. It was so sad b/c he said he had to go to his own sons DORM ROOM at college one day and tell him everything. And (this actually brought me to tears) he said his son saw him in such dire straits that all he could say was “dad do you need some money? I don’t have much but I’ll give it to you if you need it”. (he also started to tear up when he was telling me this). He said he had never in a MILLION years thought he would have lost everything to the point his own son in college would ask him if he needed to give him money.
This man pretty much hit rock bottom b/c of his BPD wife doing erratic crazy shit and lying.
Well basically this man is still going through the divorce process but he basically has lost everything until the court rules. She now has some b/f living in their home (which is this beautiful mansion in a gated community and which was also paid off), he has to pay her alimony (but feels it will be reversed once the court sees all of the forging of his name on documents she did etc) and he has not even been able to step foot on his house premises for over a year.
We actually had a nice laugh when he said “So now I have to face this fact that she is BANGING some guy in MY HOUSE that I PAID FOR!”. But I have to say he has truly taken a positive attitude about this and has decided to not be bitter b/c he knows she will have to pay for everything she has done (especially all the forging she did). She doesn’t even have a relationship with her own son anymore b/c she threw him out of the house and called him a “fukin asshole” b/c he was saying that she should stop lying on his father like she was (her son caught her throwing all of his mail away and he had so many collections and fines for car registration b/c of it).
So all this happened at the end of 2010 and into early 2011. So last year he started actually dating and going on dating sites.
(1) he is not bitter at all and has an optimistic outlook on his future and understands that karma will take care of his wife.
(2) He is not afraid to open women and ask them out (many he has met online)
(3) He doesn’t seem to be carrying any of the baggage around as he has a humorous approach to his situation
(4) He is still open for finding love
(5) He is not looking for ONS
(6) He is not sitting and wallowing in pity and he does believe he will meet a great woman once again and is willing to go out and do whatever it takes to stay healthy and happy and continuously dating until he find “the one”
(1) He is listing his profession as a DOCTOR on the dating sites
(2) He is being too accommodating to the women he gets dates with
(3) He is pursuing them too heavily and pouring on the compliments
(4) Possibly coming off needy
(5) Serious case of oneitis and wants every woman he meets to be “THE ONE”
(6) Won’t take any of the women up on their ONS offers
Ok. I told him that maybe he should not list his profession as “Doctor” and instead say he works in the “healthcare industry” b/c I said he wants a woman to see him for HIM and not his profession. Also he works and has an office in a very upscale area and so some women may simply just go out with him b/c of his profession.
I think it’s great he respects himself and he was shocked at how forward women are sexually even to the point of trying to have ONS’s. But he is not really interested in having those kinds of relationships he says. He doesn’t mind intimacy but he kinda wants it to be with a woman he has *somewhat* of a connection with even if they are not seriously dating.
I am happy with the positive approach he has taken b/c sometimes men or women who have been married for so long and find themselves up in age, really feel they don’t have anything to offer to anyone anymore and often continue to pine for their loves of so many years – even when things were bad. The also fall into a serious depression and he said he had beat himself up during those 3 years and actually started to believe he was the cause of all of his wife’s problems. But now he is moving out of that and is starting to find happiness and independence for the first time in his life without his wife.
He also is open to trying new things he hasn’t done before (like dancing when he goes out) etc.
So he starts telling me about all the dates and women he has met and the issues he is having trying to navigate the SMP for the first time. I mean he has been with his wife since HIGH SCHOOL! He’s now 50 and has no clue.
He told me he is not afraid to let a woman know of his interest and one day at a restaurant he told the waitress “I think you are very beautiful and I would love to get to know you better”. LOL
So immediately I start schooling him on what he has been doing wrong with these women. Ok he has major ONEITIS but I will have to say at least he is getting out there and isn’t shy about approaching women online.
I started by breaking down the ALPHA/BETA titles and where guys like him fit – more on the beta side. I also explained to him that women really want a guy that is in the middle. Not too nice and not too aloof. She wants a man she can respect and if he is being too too accommodating very early on before a relationship has been established, she will lose respect for him. If he starts being too aloof and elusive she’ll question his interest in her and will back off eventually. I also started to tell him how women think and what they really want. And I told him to get over his ONEITIS fever b/c he has plenty of time to get to date and get to know many different kinds of women and personalities before he decides to settle down again.
BPD CHICK 2.0
So he just gets out of a marriage with a woman who has SEVERE BPD. Well once he started to date again one of his patients he has known for a while suggested that they go out. She was the FIRST woman he dated right after his marriage. He had to discharge her as a patient to do so, but says she was very attractive woman who is very fit. They go on 3 very romantic dates and things are looking spectacular. The 4th date she invites him to join her at a friend’s house for dinner. So they go to dinner and he says they were having steak and she had taken one of the bigger pieces for herself. Well he jokingly leans in and whispers to her “you little piggy” LOL. He said she gave him this crazy look and for the rest of dinner she was being really snippy and making snide remarks to him. Once they get in the car to drive home, he says she lost it and went into a serious rage about what he said re: the Piggy comment. So he apologized but she seemed pretty upset. Then the next day she calls him acting really sweet. Then the following week she calls him saying she is still upset about the steak incident and says she doesn’t really want to continue to date him. UP and DOWN. He was a bit relieved although he liked her but saw that rage and erratic meltdown and the constant up and down moods she had and had flashbacks about how his wife started to act once her BPD came to surface.
Two months later they have a second go around after he calls her out of the blue to give it a second chance. This time he said they were watching a movie getting along really well all cuddled up etc. at her house. He made a comment about the movie ( I can’t remember exactly what the convo was about) but basically she jumped up and started to go off on him again! LOL Well he says he is really sad that things didn’t work out b/c he wanted her to be “the one”.
NEECY’S ADVICE TO HIM:
I told him she was the very first woman that he went out with after his divorce and since being married for over 30 years and that he should get out of this mindset of “oneitis” that he has and wants so badly. I understand b/c when you are in a relationship so long, you only know how to be with one person. But I told him he has to take things slowly and allow himself time to learn about himself and what he truly likes, wants and needs in a woman. He doesn’t need to rush into something else, b/c there are so many opportunities for him to find someone later down the line that has all the qualities he wants. Plus that chick was just wifey 2.0 which he doesn’t need again.
THE BEVERLY HILLS BRAZILLIAN BEAUTY WITH MAAAAD EX HUBBY AND NEW WIFE ISSUES
So this woman he says he met through a lawyer friend and she is somewhat recently divorced and has teenage daughters. The issue is her husband remarried to some crazy biatch that when they were all in divorce court reached across the table and tried to pull her hair out. LOL. She says the woman also comes by her house and stalks her. So anyway, he tells her about his situation with his ex and she had the audacity to tell him that she doesn’t know if she is ready to enter into a relationship with someone with that many problems. LOLLLL! He said he couldn’t believe someone with as much drama going on in her life, someone who still has teenage kids at home, still battling her husband and his new wife would have the audacity to say that to him. She even asked if he would go with her to some court hearings to “protect her” (haha wealthy people crack me up with htier drama). So she ended the relationship. But he still pines for her and wants to call her up.
NEECY’S ADVICE TO HIM:
LET.IT.GO. Too much drama that he doesn’t want to be caught up in. he’s had enough drama in his life and doesn’t need to walk into a new situation or into a crossfire. He agreed and said he will let it go.
THE PERSIAN PRINCESS GOLDIGGER WITH BOO KOO MONEY
So he meets this really intelligent, very attractive, well to do Persian woman. She is a dentist and she is also very wealthy. She is divorced and has older kids and says he really hit it off with her so much that she introduced him to her kids and family. But the only thing he didn’t enjoy about her is that she was very materialistic and “princess”. He said she had waaaaaay more money than him, owned tons of high end property. But was always making comments like “when we vacation I expect you to pay for everything”. LOL So he said one day he was on the internet and happened to be looking at rings. He had a picture of a 1 carat diamond up and she automatically assumed he was looking for a ring for her. He said she immediately got very defensive and said “you aren’t looking at that piece of garbage for me are you! I won’t take anything less than a 4 carat”. LOL. So he said he didn’t know what to say and just didn’t really respond.
Well the last straw was after they had a date one night, he was at her house and he had started to doze off and fall asleep as he was really tired. He said he let out a little snore and she jumped up and was like “OMG YOU SNORE! I’M OSRRY BUT THAT IS A DEAL BREAKER!! I CANNOT BELIEV YOU SNORE! I can’t deal with snoring”. So she basically dumps him a couple days later over the phone and says her sister advised her it was best b/c “she’ll never get healthy sleep” with someone who snores. OMG LMAO. About two weeks later he calls her and she tells him the only way she could move forward is if he calls her sister (who is some MD specialist) and have her do surgery on him to stop him from snoring. (again – LOL OMG ). He said he is still thinking about doing it.
NEECY’S ADVICE TO HIM:
Another batshit crazy. Not worth it. I told him if he wanted to do the surgery for HIS OWN REASONS then fine. But under no circumstances should he do it to appease her. If she will quickly dump him for snoring (something he cannot control) what else will she bitch and complain about? Also, I said she is kind of tacky in always coming off very materialistic, greedy . Even though she has money (and more than him) it still doesn’t make it right and I said his sanity will be at stake if he keeps her.
THE ASIAN ROBOT CHICK
One of the women who he is still seeing off and on (b/c she is giving up the booty)– an Asian woman in her 40’s who looks great for her age who he met mid last year. But she always wants to do the same dating stuff over and over (like she is a robot) and he likes to do more adventurous things like hiking, biking, etc. and she doesn’t have an interest in that. He also said that he doesn’t think he could take her around his friends out of fear she will just sit there without interest.
She is a *bit* more reciprocating than the others but she is always calling on him to do stuff for her. For instance, she will invite him over for dinner and afterwards start asking him to do stuff around the house for her. OK at least she is cooking dinner for him. They also have already had sex. So at least she is providing him with intimacy. The problem is he says it kind of bugs him though when she calls him out the blue and asks him to come to where she is and take her somewhere, or drop her off somewhere (b/c her car is being serviced) etc. And it bugs him b/c she owns her own business and has employees there that she could have do those things for her. But she expects him to drive over 20 miles from where he lives to do those things for her and he doesn’t think that makes sense unless he is already over there. I AGREE.
Well one day she just kind stopped answering his calls after they had a discussion about trying new things to do for dates. He said her main focus is always only on money, and her business and she has no real other hobbies. But I believe he is fascinated with her body and looks at her age b/c he said she looks REALLY young.
Ironically a couple months later, she called him out the blue and re-ignited the friendship. He is still unsure about how far this will go b/c of the different interests.
NEECY’S ADVICE TO HIM:
I told him its fine to keep seeing her, but if he is looking to eventually settle down he would waste time with her b/c she doesn’t like doing the things he likes and there is a *bit* of a language barrier. Also, she is very rigid in what she likes and does while he is more outgoing. I also told him that as long as he continues to see her, he needs to set boundaries. I think he is ok doing things for her when they are already together b/c she is at least reciprocating (she cooks for him and they do have sex). But I don’t think he should put much effort into this one simply b/c I’m not so sure how far things could go b/c of the lack of similar interests and the language barrier.
THE LATEST AND SO FAR THE GREATEST – THE BUBBLY BLONDE COUGAR
So he showed me a picture of the newest one. She is a really attractive 45 year old woman who you could tell in her heyday was a knock out. But she still has two teenage sons that live at home and he says they are a little on the mischievous side. LOL Anyway, this one is a blonde sweet and bubbly. She likes to do all the outdoorsy stuff he enjoys and is always happy go lucky. He said though, that he really likes her and that she is always flaking on him and it has ruined several plans he has had. She’ll call him and say “we’ll get together this weekend and I’ll come up”. So he cancels any plans with friends only to be left holding the bag when she cancels on him at the last minute. Of course he hasn’t expressed his frustration b/c he doesn’t want to come off as “rude.
NEECY’S ADVICE TO HIM:
She is testing you. You need to set boundaries and whenever she tries to make plans with you in the future tell her that weekend is not a good time b/c you have plans. Also, when she calls and says “we’ll spend Thrs. And Fri. together” tell her that one of the days will not work but you could “POSSIBLY” meet her on Friday depending on what’s going on for you that weekend. I said that women will often test a guy to see if he stands up to her or for himself. By him not ever making a comment about her constant flaking, she believes he is just some desperate guy waiting around for her. So I told him to next time tell her in a cordial way “look this cancelling at the last minute is becoming to frequent. And while I understand things come up, you also need to realize I have things going on and will not continue to cancel my plans in these instances”. I also told him to stop being so available.
Well that’s it. And after spending 5, yes FIVE hours talking with him about all the things and changes he needs to make, he was just looking at me like a deer in headlights. He said NO ONE ever told him any of this stuff before. I was tempted to lead him to the PUA sites but chose not to b/c of too many crazies over there and he is not that kind of guy. But he really needs guidance on properly navigating the SMP. I will say he is not doing so bad b/c he is getting the dates and the women and he is not afraid to ask them out. But he needs to start setting boundaries with these women and also needs to get out of the mindset that he has to jump into a serious relationship with one woman so soon after just being divorced and going through everything he had gone through with his ex-wife over the last 3 years.
So now he begged me to stop by his office often to give him tips and I will. I am going to help Dr. XX go from being a schlub to a MONKEY IN THE MIDDLE who has a solid frame and boundaries that will draw women closer to him and will make women respect him more
If there are any tips you all have and think I should relay please feel free to post them.