Its human nature to want to be impressive to others and to hopefully make yourself a better person physically, emotionally and mentally in some way. But I find many people take it to the extremes in the wrong way only to end up back where they originally started b/c they lost focus of what the real mission was for self-improvement.
This especially happens in the SMP where men and women are constantly seeking to improve their prospects for mating. Of course many times what improving ones prospects means for both men and women can vary, but it all boils down to the same mission – to be a better more appealing person in some way.
Unfortunately, . It seems the biggest motivation many people have in bettering themselves is for the external approval of others FIRST and everything else (including for themselves) being second. Once they accomplish whatever it is they feel they lack to be a better looking or a better person in the eyes of others, they become defined by that – until the inevitable happens and they lose whatever it is they gained to make them favorable in the eyes of other shallow people.
In the flirtation post, Sophia brought up how one of her friends (who is an *AVERAGE LOOKING* woman) only makes herself sexually and romantically available to men who are no less looking than an Abercrombie and Fitch model (Waaaay *ABOVE AVERGAE LOOKING*). Sophia told us of an average guy who works with her friend that likes her. Her friend has already friend zoned this guy b/c he is not perfect enough looking for her AVERAGE LOOKING self. YET, despite this, he has spent time “improving” himself physically to appeal to and be more attractive to this shallow chick that only sees right through him. He has taken on PX90 to “buff up” and get in shape simply to make himself more attractive to * this chick* thinking this is what he needs to do to make her see him as a potential intimate partner.
Can anyone tell me what’s wrong with this picture? and what’s gonna happen when or even *IF* she does suddenly give his newly Adonis shaped muscle bound body a chance & she stresses him out and he eats one cheeseburger too many? YEP, you guessed it, he’ll fall off the wagon, she’ll fall of the wagon and go back to chasing the guys she desires most, and whatever he defined himself by for the sake of her approval will no longer be around for support and he’ll fall right back to that pathetic schlub he was before he buffed up for Miss delusions of grandeur. Happens all.the.time. His only real motivation to improve himself lies in seeking that reinforcement in one person – who has already proven and shown to be quite shallow. Not healthy at all!
But why do people do this? It’s one thing to want to improve your looks or physical self or material possessions for your own purposes of internal satisfaction or mental and emotional health, but it’s another thing to do it for external approval which will usually only be temporary god forbid you fall off the wagon. I was reading Heartiste’s one day and this poster made a great point about this. Of course his response was more in the realm of game and a man improving himself in that arena but it speaks across to almost anyone in any situation. A poster had brought up a point about a friend of his who was struggling to meet women b/c he feels that he is 1-15 lbs overweight and that if he loses the 10-15 lbs. his prospects would simply be better. YES his prospects would get better, but what is his real motivation behind losing the 10lbs.? Is it truly to simply be better looking and healthier in general or b/c he simply feels that is the only thing keeping him from attracting women (and not his confidence or character). Here was his response is here. You can read the whole thread tree and response http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2011/12/19/street-smarts-game-and-the-white-underclass/ (it’s made by commenter Ya Really – Dec 20 @ 3:24pm and 4:43 pm) but I wanted to highlight a key point/concept that he made that really seems to be lost on most people who do this:
…….Only after they throw all that away and learn to base their identity on their core (“what do I value?” “what are my boundaries?” “what behavior do I accept from myself and others?” “what are my goals in life?” “who AM I?”) are they finally free from the shackles of limiting beliefs and ego protection and ready to really step into their potential with game.
…..If the 10lbs friend achieved his goal weight then ate a few cheeseburgers he would no longer feel high value and change his behavior around people because he wouldn’t allow himself to feel high value since his identity is attached to his weight. That’s how fragile his confidence is.
He’s right! A person can make all of the physical & materialistic improvements and changes they want. But if they haven’t got their mind right and are more focused on improving themselves to please others all that will happen is when they have a bad day and eat a cheeseburger and gain that 10 lbs. back, lose that good job that provided them all the material possessions to floss and impress others, lose their looks, or whatever else it was they sought to gain to get external approval from others, they will fall back to that person they were before they made those external changes.
If a person wants to change something about themselves, that change should be rooted in long term success for bettering themselves for their own mental, emotional and physical health. A person that defines themselves solely by what others think is a person setting themselves up for failure. That’s b/c people these days are fickle. They will like you while things are good, but will dump and turn on you the minute you can no longer live up to that person you defined yourself by for shallow reasons.
This is a key thing that people should remember. This applies to the schlub working overtime to impress a chick that sees right through him. In his eyes all he needs are more muscles to be that guy she wants. But when the muscles disappear, then what? People who define themselves by superficial things externally b/c they feel that will make them more appealing to others, are attaching their identities to whatever *flaw* it is they feel they have, and feel that by improving that *flaw* it will change their prospects. It may for the short-term. But not the long term if the person hasn’t really changed who they are for their core internal reasons.
In other instances a person who desperately changes themselves for the external approval of others and who ignores their inner core needs and desires first, often will find themselves in a downward spiral b/c they cannot cope with what it takes to maintain that goal they are seeking.
In the SMP, a man for instance (like the example I used above) will believe that improving his financial status, looks, or game will increase his potential with women. This is true in some instances – but ONLY if his core is solid and comes first. It will almost always only be temporarily if he has the wrong mindset. If that man only works on the surface and not from within he’s gonna fail. He may luck up and temporarily make some gains but will find himself always back at square one even when he has made improvements.
It’s like the bitter reformed beta guy who has now made some significant improvements in his external status and life who instead is not working at strengthening his core as a person so that he can have better relationships across the board for the long haul – he has more money, great job, improved his game and looks, but still walks around holding onto grudges against women or people of the past who wronged him, ignored him or saw him as a schlub. So his real mission is not really to improve himself for HIMSELF, but rather to improve himself to be in a position to talk down about all the women of the past who mistreated him, and how his prospects are more increased now b/c of his new and improved changes. His real missions are to make gains in his life for getting back at others. How do you think this person will fare later on? If he loses his job, or cannot maintain his new physique or looks? He’ll be back at square one blaming the external factors for why he cannot make gains in life or his relationships with women.
Same applies to the women out there who make all these wonderful physical changes to themselves to be more appealing to men only to find their minds are still messed up.
About 2 years ago I lived in an apartment complex and I had a neighbor who was a make-up artist in the pornography industry. We both lived in this complex for about 4 years and became fairly close and we would often talk. She was a beautiful girl who was on the voluptuous side. She had natural full breasts and was quite shapely and she even had a flat stomach with slight flab that could have easily been lost if she had worked out. I would never call her FAT but she could stand to lose about maybe 10-15lbs. to be at her peak shape physically.
She had a b/f who she had been seeing for about 6 years who was overweight and quite nerdy looking. But they were really close and he adored her and was always there for her. She often would talk about her weight and how she wanted to lose, but I never felt she had too much of a self-esteem issue b/c she knew how to really doll herself up when going out. But working around very thin women with fake boobs and who were always dolled up made her insecure as time went on.
The final straw for her extreme change was when she got into an argument over money owed to her with a porn star on set that she was doing make up for. This porn start basically called her a fat cow in front of everyone and they all took the side of the thin pretty porn girl even though she was clearly guilty of not paying my friend the money she owed her.
So one day she just started doing extreme things to get the weight off. Within about a month and a half she had lost about 40 lbs. I won’t lie, she looked amaaaazing! I was happy for her. She and her b/f had tried all kinds of diets and such and I guess it never really worked. While she had lost a ton of weight fairly quickly and unhealthily and became much hotter than she previously was, her b/f remained in his frumpy state. Of course as one gets hotter, ones options increases with the opposite sex. But she also started hanging around new female and male friends from the porn industry (who suddenly wanted to be around her b/c she was thinner, and also most likely b/c she had more confidence which was solely attached to being thinner).
As a result, some of the women she started hanging with turned her onto very unhealthy things to keep her weight off and remain skinny. She started taking RX pain killers, starving herself, taking diet pills. She also had naturally full perfect breasts and she went and got BREAST IMPLANTS! UGH! For what? She didn’t need them. But as her quest to be more and more perfect grew, she started doing all these crazy things to herself to maintain her new look and to deal with the emotional strain of trying to maintain these things unhealthily. She started depending on pills to keep her from being stressed out and eating. She eventually dumped her b/f of several years and started dating a guy in the porn industry. She dumped all of her good friends.
One morning I was going out somewhere and she was outside smoking and she asked me if she could talk with me. I was telling her how jealous I was of her new life and how I was thinking about doing some of the extreme things she did to get my weight off (diet pills). She told me flat out that she was miserable and always filled with anxiety b/c she knows gaining the weight back will cost her the new friends, the new guys, and life she has. This is how important the external is to her than her own internal emotional well-being and mental health.
Eventually it got to a point where I could not even hold a conversation with her over the phone or in person b/c she was so high off of pills and whatever else she was doing that she would have severely slurred speech.
The point I am making in this example is, this ex neighbor/friend was defined by her weight loss as the one thing that would make her life perfect and make people like her. She was solely looking to seek approval from those who saw her as the frumpy chick who “would be pretty if she lost weight”.
So this friend hastily and desperately decided she needed to lose weight “to show them” how beautiful she could be. And while she did, her core was so fucked up b/c she needed to do drastic things to keep her from facing the demons that were still there inside. I haven’t seen her since and I am not sure if she has gained the weight back, if she is doing porn herself now or what. But this is a true case of someone really defining themselves by the wrong external factors, changing themselves, ad being unable to mentally cope with these changes b/c they were not made for core reasons of simply improving her health and life.
I am a person always seeking to improve myself physically, mentally and emotionally. And while I am quite aware that with improved changes in those areas, come improved prospects and reinforcement from others, I am also well aware that I have to do it for me *FIRST* and foremost and ask myself the questions WHY I want to make the changes in my life as the commenter pointed out on Heartiste’s above.
What are the core reasons that you as a person wants to make changes is a question we should all ask ourselves. If the first and second things that keep coming up are b/c of external reasons or other people first, then please re-evaluate your mission and goal b/c it will all be in vain later on, sometimes when it’s too late. I do hope my friend hasn’t gotten to the point of return, b/c a lot of people do and it’s quite tragic.