Ok ladies. So I decided to write this post b/c this is a common theme amongst women who get “players” to settle down.
Recently Justin Timberlake married his long-time g/f Jessica Biel. They have been dating for about 5 years as my understanding would have it. Reports are saying and have been saying over the years that Jessica had been wanting to get married LONG ago but Justin wasn’t ready. They had some break ups along the way in which Justin was caught ..ahem.. with other women in various situations.
Not heeding the warnings of tabloids, photos of him caught in the act, and everyone asking Jessica why she will not move on, Jessica kept taking him back and he obviously *FINALLY* put a ring on it and married her.
So now that they have married I am finding all of these articles saying that “Jessica finally was able to tame her playboy” and get him to settle down. Other articles come up with the million dollar question “How does a woman tame a bad boy/player into committing and walking down the isle”?
FOR THE 1,29747,938482764,92746364 TIME: Ladies you CANNOT change a man!
Men either change on their own account (despite you sticking with him from 18 b.c. to now) and make the move WHEN THEY ARE READY or they simply fall in line and give into their guilt and pressures of his g/f and outsiders to make his g/f who has been begging for marriage an “honest woman”, or they NEVER make that move.
I am not calling either on Justin or Jessica since I do not really know why Justin finally decided to marry her. Maybe he was finally READY and felt there was nothing else out there for him and that he has found the best woman, or maybe he just felt that he had to do the right thing b/c she has stuck with him this long and he does love her.
Either way, the choice was HIS – not hers. And it is never a woman;s doing that makes a man commit to marriage.
This line of reasoning falls back on that dangerous idea that women can change men if they just stick it out despite the warning signs he is not ready. I am glad for Jessica that she finally got her wedding. BUT this does not happen a lot of times and 5 years is a long time to wait (if marriage is something you want) for a man to commit.
There is however, no problem if BOTH the woman and man have BOTH decided they want to put marriage on the back burner or maybe just not get married at all. In these instances both parties are on the same page and its usually never a problem.
Usually, however this isn’t the case and the female is usually sticking it out with a man she feels will *EVENTUALLY* marry her even though he clearly shows no signs of interest in doing so.
“IF I JUST LOOOOB HIM, HE’LL COME AROUND!”
I don’t know if its a nature thing, but women often have these ideas that with “support” “faithfulness” “loyalty” “love” and a willingness to overlook the various transgressions committed by their b/f’s that he will eventually think to himself “man this is a ride or die chick who is sticking it out with me b/c she adores me and I am going to reward her by marrying her”.
That is not how it happens in many cases. What does happen though is, a man might finally be guilted enough into marrying a “ride or die” chick who is sticking it out with him even if her needs are not begin met, but that doesn’t mean his heart is *REALLY* in it or that he will be a changed man once the ink has dried on the marriage licenses and the preacher has declared them “man and wife”.
Another issues that women overlook in that latter scenario is that he over time loses some respect for her b/c he realizes that she has at some point become desperate. A desperate woman looks like a undesirable woman to a man.
Her credibility and desirability to him starts dwindling. Women who are deemed able to move on and find someone else in the case she is not getting what she wants from her man, are more desirable to men whether they admit this or not. Real men do like a bit of a challenge and they typically fall for the women who won’t put up with their nonsense and who will move on if she has given him an ultimatum.
When a woman keeps threatening to leave a man who she keeps begging for marriage and continues to stick around, she loses credibility and her self respect and HIS respect whether she realizes this or not.
WHEN A MAN WANTS MARRIAGE, REALLY WANTS MARRIAGE, HE DOESN’T WAIT
My philosophy has always been (because I am a highly well renowned scholar and all) hehe, has been that when a man is truly ready to settle down and/or marry HE WILL DO IT and he will do it in a reasonable time frame. Men do not need centuries to decide if they are ready to marry a particular woman. Also, if you really look around and observe men will usually initiate marriage within the first year or two (two years is actually long for a man to wait when he wants to marry and its usually way less than that unless he and the woman have an understanding that it has to be put on the back burner b/c of other things happening in their or his life).
THE STARTER GIRLFRIEND
How many times have we seen stories and heard women (ex girlfriends) crying their eyes out about how their b/f’s they were with since 1 b.c. who “wasn’t quite ready for marriage” suddenly jump the broom with some new chick only weeks and months after meeting and being with her and breaking up with the ex?
HAPPENS a lot! A lot of dudes will remain with a woman begging for marriage for YEARS and then once they break up and another woman comes along that he *WANTS* to spend the rest of his life with, he doesn’t waste any time doing that.
The best example I can think of, is Khloe Kardashian and her hubby Lamar odom. Now I know anything *KARDASHIAN* is never a good example to use for anything other than *ANNOYING* but its the same ole story of how a woman who pops out kids with a man thinking he will marry her doesn’t get that rock and wedding that she stuck around for and pushed kids out for all these years.
So you have Lamar who was with is BABY MOMMA for over 10 years. She had two kids with him and YET never received wifey status.
Here comes wide hipped flat butt funny faced Khloe Kardashian and they are married within MONTHS (less than 6). She gets this beautiful diamond rock, beautiful wedding, and enjoys the benefits of being the wife. YES benefits. because when you are a wife, if anything happens to your husband, YOU are the one who gets his resources and all other things in his name. Not the BABY MOMMA.
She didn’t have any kids with him. Didn’t stick with him for centuries. But he managed to somehow MARRY her in less than 6 months after having been with the mother of his children for over 10 years.
See ladies why it does not benefit you to be a hanger onner baby momma popping out babies left and right for a man who OBVIOUSLY doesn’t want to marry you! I don’t care if he wakes up every morning saying “he gone marry you berry berry swoon”.
The lesson women need to learn is – if a man wants to marry and settle down – you don’t:
- Need to convince yourself that it is YOU who is going to change him and make him suddenly want to do something he really has no desire to do UNTIL he is ready or until he finds a woman he actually WANTS to make that commitment to.
- Don’t need to have babies left and right as a way to force him to marry you or commit. Having kids these days is not a sure fire way to get a man to marry you. Its just a sure fire way to lock yourself out of the SMP with other men who would have married you had you not wasted your energy and lamaze breathing on a dude who clearly wasn’t going to marry you
- be the perfect woman and girlfriend somehow believing this will reel him in to settling down and committing. Unfortunately, many foolish men have fallen for this and have ended up in some bad situations with phony women. But for the sincere chicks who really believe that being the perfect woman for a man will urge him into marrying you AGAINST his wishes, this usually will not happen and all you will do is end up frustrating yourself and future.
- Be with him for decades and centuries. Granted some men OUT OF GUILT who really don’t want to marry a particular woman, but realizes she has been “ride or die” chick for him will marry her out of feelings of OBLIGATION and GUILT. Not really out of a true burning desire to spend the rest of his life with her. And USUALLY these kinds of men end up cheating on their spouses in the marriage anyway b/c they made a move that wasn’t really apart of his agenda or desire.
- Make idle threats. If you have to *keep* threatening a man you are going to “leave” if he doesn’t commit to you, then you have already lost the battle. This is not to say that you should not have CONVERSATIONS early in the relationship with him about what your future expectations are (within a reasonable time frame). If that time frame has passed and the woman is owning up to the reality that this man aint ready and will not be ready ANYTIME soon, then the woman needs to make a beeline to “tha DOE!” (that would be DOOR in proper English)
Those are just a few.
Ladies men get very comfy. If they are straddling the fence on whether to marry and are unsure or not ready, they will stay with a good woman as long as possible without committing if he doesn’t have a bit of HEALTHY pressure.
If you are a woman that WANTS and expects marriage, then you have to in a reasonable way AND TIME (not on the first, second, third, fourth date) but once you see the relationship is moving in a serious direction have this discussion with him. Let him know WHY you have this expectation of marriage and while you do not have to offer up a specific date on when he has to make that decision – if he is smart, he will know that at a certain point in the relationship (not 10 years later) he needs to shit or get off the pot.
He will know this once you start kinda having discussions about possibly “taking a break” or simply and literally deciding that this may not be working out and that you both should expand your horizons and move onto seeing other people.
if his heart wasn’t in it he will JUMP FOR JOY and slap you on the back and say “PHEW! I was wondering when you were going to say that because, GOLLY I have already been doing that!!! WOW. You’re such an amazing person!”
OR he will say “wait. I know I need to step up and YES I want to marry you but I have just had a lot of things on my plate and that wasn’t at the forefront but I DO love you and DO want to spend my life with you, so let’s work this out” and within a very short time (like days/weeks) you will have a ring.
Now some may say that I am contradicting myself because I am saying that it was the woman that had to initiate him finally making the move. In this instance you did not CHANGE HIM and you did not even need to mention MARRAIGE (or lack thereof) for why you are wanting to move on. If he is really concerned and wants to be wth you he will ask you. But what if he was actually was going to make that commitment – but you abruptly left?.
The reality as well is sometimes other things *ARE* going on in a man’s life and he has every intention on marrying you, but just hasn’t communicated that. If you just leave abruptly without even first understanding what is really going on, then you may have missed an opportunity. COmmunication is important in relationships.
Men are typically not very good at communicating these things, so women have to always have a heathy amount of pressure placed on him to keep remembering what is really important in that relationship.
NOW GO! GO MY LITTLE BABUSHKAS!
So, my little birdies. Fly out into the world and understand you positioning on marriage as a woman. Understand that you cannot change a man. Understand that you MUST have barriers and limitations to how long you will stick it out with a man who is not ultimately giving you what you need while you are providing for all of his needs. Understand that you lose credibility, self-respect, and sometimes self-esteem when you become a desperate hanger onner, understand that men (WHO WANT TO BE COMMITTED with a particular woman) make decisions for commitment within REASONABLE and fairly quick time-frames, UNDERSTAND most importantly you don’t need 10 babies to get a man to marry you.
And one last thing – I want invites to any and all weddings!! 🙂