Neecy’s – Black women’s Guide to Living Well

Think of your life as an ocean and the haters are just seaweed floating around in it.

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Think about seaweed. Not really its beneficial factors but think about seaweed on a practical level of what it does to a person who experiences it while in the ocean or at the beach.

You are at the beach in the water. You are enjoying the waves of cool water rushing against your feet and legs. Then suddenly as you step further into the water you feel this sudden rapture of sliminess tangling your legs and feet. You look down slowly and carefully praying to God it’s not some swamp creature that’s found its way through the tides to your feet and legs. But you realize it’s not an AWOL swamp creature but this ugly slimy mass of stuff that looks like a water creature with leaves, and you run for the sand.  As you are running back to the sand and your beach chair you see bits and pieces of that slimy nasty looking seaweed in various parts of the sand with a bunch of flies and bees covering it.

Not pleasant is it?

So when you are thinking about all the anti-Black woman haters, think of them as that slimy mass of seaweed trying to funk up, and de beautify your beautiful ocean. They are they to entangle and entrap you in your bliss and to make you run from that beautiful ocean back to land and sand. See where I am going?

Stay in your ocean and let the seaweed float on by as it’s supposed to do. When you see it coming your way, move and let it float right by you.  Seaweed and haters have a purpose – but it’s not YOUR PURPOSE.

THERE’S NOT ENOUGH ANTI-BLACK WOMAN PROPOGANDA IN THE WORLD TO KEEP YOU FROM PROGRESSING

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All the BS and anti-Black woman propaganda in the world cannot stop a progressive Black woman from progressing HAPPILY and succesfully in her life. This something very important for Black women who are sojourners to remember. That all the anti-Black woman crap is just floating seaweed in your big beautiful ocean.

 

THIS mindset, I feel is the foundation of every progressive Black woman’s sanity, success and happiness.

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Let’s face it: We live in a world that is insensitive and sometimes even hostile to the very existence of Black women. BUT, that is just a small portion of shit that really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. As long as people are not violating your civil rights, physically harming you, let them continue to make all the articles, studies and declarations against us as women. Because at the end of the day, if they are not literally stopping you from breathing and living, then you have soooo much more to look forward to each and every moment of your life.

I feel Black women (I am talking to myself here as well) get too caught up in trying to defend nonsense with idiots. Recognize, when someone dislikes you simply for being, you cannot convince them of anything. It’s best to let them obsess and wallow in their hatred. Let them be filled with all that hate and deflection. Because we all know if people have time to hate on others, it’s usually because they don’t want to spend that time and energy FIXING what is wrong with themselves.

STEPS AND KEYS TO LIVING WELL

  • Do not argue with haters; they are seaweed trying to entrap and entangle you in your beautiful big ocean of possibilities
  • Understand as notyourgirlfriday.wordpress.com pointed out so eloquently in a post directly related to this (called some things are just terminal) that some things are JUST TERMINAL. RACISM is terminal. COLORISM in the Black community (against Black women of a darker hue)It’s not going anywhere. It’s TERMINAL. Meaning it cannot be fixed  anytime soon so just accept it and move on with your life. You cannot change how some people view or perceive Black women. It’s best to just let them live with their perceptions, but to stop making them yours! What someone else thinks of you or perceives of you as a Black woman, doesn’t HAVE to be what you perceive of yourself as a person and Black woman. You already know what the underlying driving force is, so why continue to let it consume you?
  • Only deal in reciprocating relationships. Black women are so bad with blindly supporting people and entities who have not yet proven themselves in our best interest. This is male/female, female/female, you/family ANY kind of relationship you are in other than one in which you are volunteering to help the needy or disabled or children, you should be getting back equally what you are giving MINIMUM. Keep people out of your life who are draining, negative, emotionally unavailable, sociopaths, users, opportunists. Black women do not have a safety net of others to fall back on (except therapists and psychiatrists) once these kinds of people strip you of your resources, sanity and happiness. Best to avoid them and keep your spidey senses aware. It’s real simple. Remember that if you only deal in reciprocating relationships if someone is not giving back what you are giving; cut them off out of your life. ACTIONS are key to Black women determining who should remain in her life.
  • Stop trying to get in where you do not fit in. Some things are just not for us as Black women. This society has set up ideals and standards for others and will continue to put mass amounts of money, support and man power in keeping it that way. Instead of boycotting, doing sit outs, having marches and writing mass letters to “include” and acknowledge us as Black women, START YOUR OWN! Pull away your money, resources, time nad support from those people or things not supporting you or showing you that they even give a damn about your support. Stop begging for other people to give you their scraps! This is how Blacks are in the position we are in today. Instead of creating and building for ourselves, we seek to get from everyone else.
  • Start creating your OWN privilege as a Black woman by building a network of support and camaraderie with other LIKE MINDED RECIPROCATING Black women. Do not deal with other Black women who just want to drain and take because there are many out there amongst other people and groups who do this to Black women. This also means you have to STOP putting other people’s needs and issues before your own.  I am going to go more into detail about this in its own post but I wanted to mention this here.
  • Remain somewhat aloof and apathetic to things and people who are not in your best interest or who seek to use you for your resources, time and energy. Stop trying to fight everyone else’s battles b/c the writing is clearly on the wall – IT IS NOT HELPING YOU further yourself or Black women’s issues! STAY OUT OF IT! Other people have plenty things in place to fall back on when they are in battle. THEY WILL BE OK. Black women don’t. Save your energy for helping yourself and other Black women who need it – as well as your allies of other groups who have proven they are in reciprocating relationships with you.  No amount of battling for others causes and needs has garnered any kind of reciprocation for Black women’s needs or causes.
  • Understand you have a right to your own individual happiness without explanation to ANYONE. Stop  making disclaimers for your happiness and personal choices. They are what they are. If others can’t handle it, too fkn bad! They’ll survive once they realize they should be focusing on their own life and business and not yours.
  • TRAVEL TRAVEL TRAVEL. Get outside the “BOX” because often times what we (especially American Black women) are constantly exposed to and see, is not always the way it is globally. This is going to be a very important aspect for Sojourners is TRAVEL. I also feel that it’s going to be an important aspect for young Black women who want to marry and find suitable mates is traveling abroad and out of America. It’s just a fact that in others parts of the world some men can look beyond the skin color of a Black woman and see her as a person FIRST and FOREMOST. The odds of finding this in America are possible but not always there. So for young Black women I definitely recommend travel and a willingness to move abroad.
  • Surrounding yourself with other progressive minded Black women. Of course if you cannot be in close physical proximity to other like-minded BW, the internet is a great place to convene with other like-minded BW. This will help you gain knowledge and have a supportive network of women who are on the same page and see things the way you do. Often times we can offer insight on how to keep pushing forward. A lot of BW are going at things alone in the world, because there location or wherever they are they cannot find others to lean on for support. The internet can be a BW’s greatest enemy or best friend. It’s how you use it. If you spend the time on the net looking for negativity about BW, then it’s your enemy. If you spend the time on the net looking for pro Black women supportive sites and networks, then it’s your best friend.
  • Be supportive of those who are supportive of you. Do not just take, take, take but give. This goes back to reciprocating. Progressive Black women are not like the atypical AA person or woman who believes that she should get everything free while supporting all the other people and entities that are abusing Black women, abusing our images, or just willing to take our money without throwing us a bone. (see Khadija’s post regarding this at Muslim Bushido)
  • HAVE BOUNDARIES! This is one area that Black women lack. BOUNDARIES. When you have boundaries, people have no choice but to respect you. When you do not have any boundaries, people will shit all over you, walk all over you and feel nothing doing it. Because you have not shown that you even care enough about yourself to keep certain things within your boundaries and giving people a line that they should not cross. With so many Black women it’s ANYTHING GOES. Just toss it against the wall and keep waiting for something to stick. Progressive Black women do not live like this.
  • Beautify yourself!! 003 I said it. I am so tired of Black women slacking in this area. There was a time when Black women took pride in how they looked and sought to enhance our unique beauty at every given chance. Now is the time for Black women to take back OUR beauty and start promoting it like in the past. At some point Black women just gave up! If you look at BW from even the 50’s – 80’s they were well put together and always pretty and feminine looking and acting. NOW? Pssh!
  • Stop looking to groups of men based on race to save you and rescue you. AINT.GONNA.HAPPEN. Let go of that pipe dream ladies. Black women are too caught up in “this race of man this” crap. NO RACE OF MAN IS IN YOUR CORNER!! NONE! There are individual men of varying races who can love and be supportive of you – THAT IS IT. Black women simply do not have that luxury of depending on a certain group of men be it racially or whatever to big us up, put us on a pedestal or even rescue us. This includes Black men, White men, Asian men, Indian men, Latin men and any other male species.  So instead, see men as individuals and not a collective. This is the only sane way Black women can be successful in relationships. PERIOD. Men are INDIVIDUALS to you as a Black woman. They are not a collective. White women, Asian women, Latin women have the benefits of depending on collectives of men. BLACK WOMEN DON’T. It’s a hard pill to swallow but once it goes down and gets in your system, life is so much more freeing and your relationships with men will be that much better.
  • The only way for BW to stop feeling left out and bothered when lunatics, racists and Black woman hating losers and their silent buddies are constantly putting down BW, is to remember that you have no collective group of men of ANY RACE in your corner. Just individual quality men who see beyond the  bullshit and nonsense. Realize there are only a selective number of individual men that God handpicked for us Black women to depend on and have relationships with. If you haven’t figured this out by now, better get on board quick because you will continue to be in for a rude awakening if you don’t.
  • “Judge a man by his character” Is not mumbo jumbo for Black women. It’s the only way Black women are going to have healthy and fulfilling relationships. Trying to judge a man by his race and collective is gonna prove to be dangerous to a Black woman in terms of  having a healthy relationship. Because MOST men are brainwashed and too  ignorant to go against the grain and think for themselves and see beyond a Black woman’s racial exterior to be of any use to a Black woman in a relationship. Black women need SOLDIERS and WARRIORS in our corner. And they are not gonna come in any particular collective group. They will be amassed of individual men of varying races.
  • Stay financially ahead. MONEY TALKS. A Black woman with no money and resources can’t get anywhere. Black women need to be DILIGENT about being entrepreneurs and surrounding yourself with other ambitious Black women. The only way BW will eventually begin to create our own privilege is with money and resources.
  • BOW OUT of mainstream media by no longer supporting it. This is the CRUX of why Black women are in the anti-black woman position we are today. Mainstream media has done quite the job on the image and perceptions of Black women, almost to a point where I am not sure if it can be reversed. There are too many people who benefit off the terrible images of Black women. SO the only thing left for Progressive BW to do is to tune out, bow out, and create our own media FOR US BY US (this is something I am working on since this is where my biggest passions lie). Ladies – you tube is a great place to start. THE REVOLUTION *WILL* BE TELEVISED.  😉

I am sure I left out some things. That is where I ask anyone in the audience to point out some things I may have omitted or forgotten to mention that you feel is important for Black women to live well in this whirlpool of madness we are seeing against us today.

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80 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Neecy
    Sep 28, 2013 @ 22:12:15

    Did yall catch the shamless gratiuitous plug/promotion pics of beautiful Black women?

    HEHEHEEE!! I’m so transparent!

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  2. james hiddleson
    Sep 29, 2013 @ 06:11:36

    Dear Miss Neecy I am a white male and I do not hate black women.I believe a lot of what you say is true however unfortunately, black women are great and there are a lot of terrible stereotypes attributed to them.Life is to short.

    On Sun, Sep 29, 2013 at 1:27 AM, NEECY’S NEST

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    • Neecy
      Sep 29, 2013 @ 21:42:36

      Hi James!!!

      Thank you for your comments and yes I know there are plenty of quality non racist White men and Non Black men that appreciate and love Black women. There are plenty of quality men who see beyond the propoganda and BS. You are diamonds in the rough. Black women need to learn to stop focusing on men who are putting us down or have no interest and start paying attention to the men who are.

      But as you said. Life is too short. Too short to sit and wallow in pity over losers and haters.

      The glass is either half full or half empty. its up to every BW to choose how she wants to see things and live.

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  3. Shaylah
    Sep 29, 2013 @ 07:23:10

    I feel that white women can say that marriage is not for them because they will get male protection. Many men of all nationalities open the door for them. They make their lives comfortable even if they are not tied directly to them. That is why Tina Turner lives in another country. She was part of the Black Women Empowerment long before the name was given. That is why I heard of stories of how Black Women relocated to different countries because they were treated far more better than in America. I know no place is perfect , but just the overall treatment is far much better. When Black women was supporting the black power movement in the 70’s, black men used our resources to make life better for other non-black and then when it was fully acceptable to thrown black women under the bus they did so. We didn’t as black women have a support system and so the ones who we were looking for to protect us was part of our problem, not our solution. Asian women can marry white men and will still get Asian men and white men to protect them. Hispanic women can marry white men and get the protection of Hispanic men and still get protection of Hispanic men and white men. That is why Eva Longoria can say she doesn’t want to marry and indifferent to kids because she will get the benefits of marriage without being tied to one person. Black women don’t have it like that and since we are not around stealth and savvy people who have our best interest then we are like cities with no walls. We need to go on a media fast because a lot of these black sites are just empty and not doing anything to better the black community as a collective. We allow 30 years of degradation to permeate the airwaves and then we are surprised of the results. Other groups of women can have their cake and eat it to. Black women have to be more savvy in our lives so we can always place ourselves on the winning side.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 29, 2013 @ 21:47:56

      EXACTLY SHAYLA!

      Its like some Black women just don’t want to take that red pill and swallow. Its so much easier to keep taking the blue pill and pretending like things aren;t the way they really are.

      i feel that BW will finally start breaking ground once they understand and accept the TRUTH no matter how uncomfortable it is. Too many BW are waiting on a calvary of men to rescue us and they will still be waiting.

      Instead that energy needs to be spent focusing on and acknowledgeing the men who do love and support BW.

      But BW will continue to even miss that boat because they are always so caught up in focusing on those who are not in our corner.

      In fact, the reality is Non Black women aren’t doing *THAT* much better in the relationship dept. even with the benefits they have int eh dating market. NO ONE IS! Everyone is struggling in the datign arena. BUt once again people will always try to DEFLECT that away and push it onto Black women so no one sees thier reality which isn’t all that pretty when you look at it.

      I agree the best things for many BW especially the ones of marrying ages to do is to start traveling abroad and out of America to look for mates. Its so different in many other places where BW are more appreciated and accepted as women FIRST before color.

      America is not for Black women when it comes to dating, mating and finding love – with ANY RACE.

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      • Shaylah
        Sep 30, 2013 @ 13:15:02

        I 100% totally agree. I am glad you sounding the alarm. Other women have it hard. Because people feel they can just use Black women as an escape goat, then I can deflect my issues instead of dealing with them. When Black women realize that we need to whatever is necessary to THRIVE , then all these people will realize that spent so much time focusing on someone else business theirs got away and then when these same people we throwing us under the bus, they will look up and regret the things they didn’t do and realize how much time they wasted. Like Evia says time and my life are 2 commodities I can’t get back. Keep doing what you are doing .
        I appreciate your site and if you have a paypal account, please let me know because I SUPPORT ONLY AND ONLY THOSE WHO SUPPORT THE UPLIFTING OF BLACK WOMEN!!!!

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        • Neecy
          Oct 02, 2013 @ 21:55:51

          When Black women realize that we need to whatever is necessary to THRIVE , then all these people will realize that spent so much time focusing on someone else business theirs got away and then when these same people we throwing us under the bus, they will look up and regret the things they didn’t do and realize how much time they wasted.

          THIS RIGHT HERE!! There will be a heafty price those who spend much time hating on BW will pay. They may not see it now but as you said all that time and energy put into making all these public declarations about why BW are this, that adn the other is less time they have spent working on themselves. And YET all the while slowly but surely more and more BW are getting it together, learning to understand what is at play and starting to live our lives to the fullest, and eventually they will not be able to point to us anymore – when they realize they are still living the shitty existence they have alway sbeen and no longer have a scape goat.

          THEN WHAT? They’ll either start turning on each other and forced to see they lost a great amount of time looking in the smoke in mirrors of thier lives and they have nothing to show for it.

          Once BW get it together, these people will all be left looking stupid when they realize they have no other choice but to fix what is wrong with them and they no longer can push that off onto BW.

          And I really appreicate the offer for donations – but right now I am more than happy to do this blog for free. later as I start getting into more things that will require donations or subscriptions for obvious reasons I would appreciate it then. but for now, just soak up what you can because this is what drives me.

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  4. Char
    Sep 29, 2013 @ 07:59:35

    Thank you!!!! Bravo, bravo, bravo!

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  5. A Swirl Girl
    Sep 29, 2013 @ 11:42:27

    Neecy, this post is OUTSTANDING on so many levels. Well written and VERY well stated. Thank you!!!!! *Happy to let the seaweed float right past me*

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  6. Robynne
    Sep 29, 2013 @ 12:05:39

    Yup, I swim right on by the seaweed and enjoy the luscious blue ocean. Great post!

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  7. Peanut
    Sep 29, 2013 @ 16:41:56

    in response to beautify yourself, i think that goes a long with being healthy. when you’re healthy, fit and happy with yourself, you feel sexier. I know this from personal experience. Do you have any tips for how to be a sexy black woman?

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    • Neecy
      Sep 29, 2013 @ 23:54:57

      Hey p,

      I want to respond to this but I really have a lot to say and I want to do it tomorrow when I am not so tired. So I will answer your two posts tomorrow in depth.

      Thanks!

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    • Neecy
      Sep 30, 2013 @ 11:34:14

      Ok. So i feel the key to being a sexy Black woman is truly FIRST be content and truly happy in your skin. A lot of BW till look for validation from everyone else and people who don’t care to uplift us.

      The sexiest Black women are those who know how to love what they have and enhance thier best features with no apologies.

      Black women look amazing with big hair. It matches out features and enhaces our beauty. Unlike other women who may look great with straight hair I think Black women with full hair look the sexiest because its something so unique to us.

      If you have a great butt (which most BW do) and or great legs then play that up and wear clothes that would make them stand out. If you have great eyes and lips play that up.

      I just say waaay too many BW looking dowdy or just a hot mess these days. like they put no effort into looking good. And this is not about looking good for a man, but YOURSELF! I always feel wonderful when I take time to put myself together. It changes how you interact with people and how people respond to you.

      People like attractive well put together people. You get treated well when you look good and put together.

      Also being fit and in shape is number one priority BW shuld focus on. Too many BW are simply overweight and out of shape and that works against us. SInce many BW have natural amazing shapes, its hard to uplay that when you are overweight. More BW need to understand that being overweight is a huge hinderance in being attractive to most quality men with options. I just haven’t seen a sexy woman who was fat or overweight. Being overweight takes away from a woman’s beauty. At least IMO. This seems to be the crux of why people always flatly say “BW are unattractive”. A lot of times they are basing it on the large amounts of BW who are typically obese and overweight.

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  8. Peanut
    Sep 29, 2013 @ 16:47:18

    i think black women’s sexual status in the market place has been severely damaged by the media. I also wish more Black women would give their natural hair a chance. I am not against straightening hair sometimes, if that is something you wnat to do, but i do think that there is a lot of self hate when some Black women won’t even give their natural hair a chance at all…and worst it sends the message that there is something wrong with our hair and like we don’t have something that other women have when that’s not true at all…

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    • onthewaydown
      Oct 04, 2013 @ 15:25:23

      “but i do think that there is a lot of self hate when some Black women won’t even give their natural hair a chance at all…and worst it sends the message that there is something wrong with our hair and like we don’t have something that other women have when that’s not true at all…”

      Peanut, I agree with your statement. Especially when you said that “it sends the message that there is something wrong with our hair and like we don’t have something that other women have.” I’ve had a few non-black women try to tell me in various ways that our hair is inferior, and that “you black women know you need to do something with that nappy hair” because of the prevalence of relaxing, weaving, etc. (On the other hand I’ve had some non-black women express that our hair is lovely, and why don’t we wear it more often, but I’m trying to make a point here.)

      Nothing against straightening our hair. I like to wear straight styles and wigs sometimes. But it says something when I still hear people say that they “can’t” go natural because their hair is too nappy, or that mass amounts of black women are wearing straight styles 24/7, at least where I live. (Though it’s getting better in regards to embracing natural hair.) It’s one thing to embrace your options, including straight hair, and another to feel as though wearing your hair straight is the only option.

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      • Robynne
        Oct 04, 2013 @ 21:02:24

        It doesn’t matter how and why a bw chooses to wear her hair. It is that woman’s business. Bw can’t go complaining about the lack of boundaries when they refuse to enforce the same with each other. This is exactly the sort of discourse that opens the door for non bw to butt in and tell other bw what they should or should not do.

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        • Peanut
          Oct 06, 2013 @ 11:59:57

          it’s not about butting in and I did say that Black women could do what they wanted with their hair, but there is a problem when a Black woman won’t even give her natural hair a chance or consideration at all because she feels like it’s unmanageable or inferior. It’s fine to change it up sometimes, but there is nothing wrong with wearing our hair natural and I think we should be giving our natural hair a chance because chemicals mess up our hair. If black women want healthier hair, then natural is unquestionably better for that. I flat iron my hair sometimes, but I also wear afros and cornrows when I feel like it. I know I have the option to do either and I’m not uncomfortable wearing my natural hair most of the time.

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          • Robynne
            Oct 06, 2013 @ 15:09:47

            If a bw has issues with her natural hair, let her be, so long as she does not pour hate on those who don’t have a problem. I could not care less, so long as that bw keeps her trap shut about her problems with her own hair to bw & to others. It is her problem, not mine. If some bw were as comfortable as they claim to be about their natural hair, they would not be trying to shame or browbeat others into following them. PS – I have had natural hair since I was 14 years old, long before it became “popular.” I’m now 30. I have always been comfortable in my own skin, and I didn’t need legions of other bw going natural to feel okay about that, nor did I feel the need to tell the other bw what to do! Even though some couldn’t reciprocate…but that’s for another day. I must confess that I did not grow up in the United States, where the pressure to relax would probably have been worse, since people really don’;t respect the boundaries of black women (partly the fault of other bw, who sometimes are the worst at running over other bw’s boundaries, and who are the also the worst at maintaining boundaries).

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            • Peanut
              Oct 06, 2013 @ 22:23:12

              you keep insinuating in your comments that I’m doing something to black women who don’t like their natural hair, i never said anything in my comments about “butting in,” or “not letting black women with relaxed hair be.” I find it insulting that you somehow are implying that i’m butting into other black women’s lives and business as it pertains to their hair. I have enough common sense not to go up to a Black woman who i don’t even know and tell her what to do with her hair. If you read my comment, I was expressing an opinion that if a BLack woman feels like she can’t wear her natural hair or feels like it’s inferior, then that is an issue to me…I never said I would browbeat or bully her into going natural, thank you very much.

              and about you “being natural before it was a trend,” good for you. If you didn’t need any Black women with natural hair to look up to, good for you. But form personal experience, it DOES help to have Black women with natural hair to look up to. It helped me to feel more comfortable and it helps to have support from Black women with natural hair. Kola Boof really made me love my natural hair to be honest, but having other Black women with natural hair to turn to for advice and support about my natural hair really helped me. I find that the more Black women who are open about their hair options, the more it makes other Black women who may not have felt they had the option to go natural feel that they can.

              it’s not about browbeating or bullying black women into going natural, no one ever said anything about that, it’s about letting black women know that they don’t HAVE to feel our that hair is inferior because of the media messages that are sent to us constantly and they don’t have to fall into the beauty myths and traps. If a Black woman wants to wear her hair any way she can, but she should NOT have to feel like there is something WRONG with her God-given hair nor should she have to feel like going natural isn’t even an option. It should always be an option, along with her many other options.

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              • onthewaydown
                Oct 07, 2013 @ 11:22:12

                “it’s not about browbeating or bullying black women into going natural, no one ever said anything about that, it’s about letting black women know that they don’t HAVE to feel our that hair is inferior because of the media messages that are sent to us constantly and they don’t have to fall into the beauty myths and traps.”

                That’s how I feel. Like I said in my first comment, nothing wrong with straightening or wearing wigs, weaves, etc. because you like the look or whatever. But I do know that there are a lot of people who truly feel our hair is inferior and that natural is not an option for them. Not everyone needs to be natural, but it’s nice to know that you have that option.

                My mom started relaxing my hair when I was very young, so until I started seeing natural hair when I was a teen, I didn’t even know that you could…hmm, I don’t know…just stop relaxing. Lol.

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            • Peanut
              Oct 06, 2013 @ 22:33:42

              and maybe i’m reading too much into your comment, but it just came off as if you were implying that I’m out there browbeating black women or telling them how to wear their hair, when i’ve never done that. I do think that there is a cultural problem when we as Black women feel our hair is inferior, that is an opinion I have that won’t change, but I would never demean or browbeat a Black woman into going natural nor would I tell her WHAT she should do with her hair. I just want Black women to understand that we CAN wear our hair natural, NO our hair is NOT inferior, yes afro hair is “good hair.” I think it’s important for black women to understand that and if a black woman understands this and still wants to straighten her hair, well then that’s up to her…but she shouldn’t feel like her hair is inferior and I stand by that…but if my comment came off as “short,” it was because I felt that you were putting words into my mouth.

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        • onthewaydown
          Oct 07, 2013 @ 20:33:08

          I’ve thought about it and I understand your point, especially regarding respecting the boundaries of others. I can see how what I said may affect an impressionable reader who chooses to wear her hair straight for whatever reason. I wouldn’t want someone passing by to feel judged, to feel as if I think that they are less than because they prefer their hair straight. I’m “passionate” about natural hair because I didn’t grow up knowing that it was an option for my hair and I know that there are other girls/women like me, but I also understand that there are people who are a) into the easier maintenance of straightened hair or b) prefer the styles. And then there are people who just plain hate natural hair and won’t go natural EVER. In real life I wouldn’t disrespect someone who hated their own hair and tell them that they hated themselves, etc…so I suppose it’s really about being as respectful on the internet as I try to be in real life.

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      • Neecy
        Oct 06, 2013 @ 21:02:30

        I agree with both sides. I honestly do not care how a Black woman chooses to wear her hair. We have bigger fish to fry other than our hair. HOWEVER, the only time I have a problem with Black women who wear their hair straight is when they put down “Black hair” as a reason for wearing it straight.

        i have more respect for a Black woman that simply says she prefers *HER* hair straight then say she can’t be “caught dead with her ugly mess of natural hair* (yes someone I know actually said this).

        I have friends who only wear perms/straight hair or weaves and I say do whatever makes you feel happy and comfortable. i would never preach to them about wearing their hair natural if that is not for them. But they have never put down natural hair either and have always complimented me on when I wear my hair natural.

        Also natural haired women need to stop saying that a BW who doesn’t wear her hair natural is because she hates her hair. that may not be true in some cases. And in many cases let’s just be honest, natural hair takes quite a bit of maintenance and getting to know. i have been natural since 1999 and I no longer prefer my hair out in terms of lose and natural. Its a pain int he butt because it tangles easily I still have YET to find a moisturizing product that my hair likes and absorbs. My hair tends to stay very dry when I wear it lose in its natural texture. Also I have found maintaining it on a daily is a pain in the butt for me. But I look at other BW’s natural lose hair and love it on them. So i either opt for locks or a press in which my hair is straight.

        Right now I have my hair straight. but next month I will be locking it again in sister locks.

        I think the key here is BW have so much versatility with out hair, we should embrace it. For those that choose not to, we shouldn’t brow beat them into trying to force them to do it if they simply do not want to. And yes BW who chose not to go natural should *NEVER* put down natural hair because its what grows out of their scalp and does come off as an inferiority complex and sef hating when they blast natural hair for straight.

        Natural hair takes a lot of learning and getting used to in terms of finding the right products and things. Some BW just do not want to deal with all of that. *shrugs*

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        • Peanut
          Oct 06, 2013 @ 22:27:45

          I agree neecy, it takes time to re-learn how to style our natural hair, that is where support from other black women who were natural really helped me. Once I learned how to properly care for my natural hair, it was easier for ME to manage than my relaxed hair ever was. that was my experience. the main thing is just protective styles.

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  9. Neecy
    Sep 29, 2013 @ 22:39:42

    ahhh! i knew i left something out – passive aggressive people. Passive Agressive people love messing with Black women. WHY? Because BW tend to be more upfront about our feelings. We don’t typically play passive/aggressive games and it can be difficult figuring out how to deal with passive / Agressive people who are targeting you and trying to get you to be confrontational.

    We all know P/A’s are in full force int eh workplace. And they are usually Non Black women. LOL

    The best advice I can give to BW facing these types is to beat them at their own game. Once they start that P/A stuff DO NOT get confrontational. That is the reason they are instigating you, Its expected that BW will become confrontational with the slightest inkling. Then once you do they pay the crying damsel in distress game to be rescued from the “evil angry Black woman”.

    Instead flip the script. I will cry in a heartbeat! Because that is why they do when you call them out on thier nonsense!. LOL

    Instead of being confrontational I act like I am being bullied and become a damsel in distress. AND.IT.WORKS.EVERYTIME. LOL

    Act just like they would and watch what they do. Other will come to your defense much quicker if you are not being confrontational.

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  10. Ray
    Sep 30, 2013 @ 02:28:24

    Ladies, this clown isn’t worth all the attention! There are going to be racist people out there of all ethnicities (even your own) who are not going to date you because you are black! They are stupid! Why would you want to get involved with someone who thinks Iike that?

    The last few days I was arguing with a black guy on this site that called all white women “skanks” and all black women who dared to have a relationship with white men “Race Traitors”! There are ignorant people all over the place in every ethnicity! Not everyone can appreciate fine art! Focus on those of us that find you gorgeous, sweet, thoughtful and definitely a prize any man should be grateful for!

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    • Neecy
      Sep 30, 2013 @ 04:02:56

      Ray did you read the post? this post is not about a person. Not sure who you’re referring to? Thus post is about a mindset black women should follow to have a more fulfilling life.

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      • Ray
        Sep 30, 2013 @ 13:10:37

        Sorry dear, it was early this morning and I thought I was responding to another email about some guy that said he doesn’t find black women attractive! I really hate using my IPad for this but if I turned on my PC I would have woken up somebody at 5 am this morning!

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      • Ray
        Sep 30, 2013 @ 13:41:12

        I don’t want to disrupt the flow of this blog so you can delete it if you want!

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  11. Ray
    Sep 30, 2013 @ 02:34:51

    By the way, any dude who can look at those pictures of Goddesses at the top of the page and still make the idiotic comment that “he doesn’t find black women attractive” is a complete moron or just f*c*ing blind! Wow!

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    • Neecy
      Sep 30, 2013 @ 04:17:44

      I get what you’re saying but this post us not about anyone not finding black women attractive.

      But you’re right about one thing: black women need to stop seeking validation and defending themselves against idiots, racists and fools.

      A progressive black woman understands she cannot and will never place her “value” in the hands of anyone else but HERSELF.

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  12. neurochick
    Sep 30, 2013 @ 08:50:48

    “White women, Asian women, Latin women have the benefits of depending on collectives of men. BLACK WOMEN DON’T. ”

    True but today NO WOMAN can depend on collectives of men, because when the women get to a certain age, the men are like, “next!” and will kick their wives to the curb. I know many white, Asian, Latin women in their forties and fifties who have been abandoned by their husbands when they decided to look for a newer model; I have friends in their forties and fifties whose mothers were abandoned by their husbands when they found a newer model; this stuff has been going on for decades.

    You are SO right about traveling, traveling outside the US is the best thing ever. I try to do it every year. However, there are a lot of things about other countries that take getting used to.

    Boundaries are the most important tools any human being can have. You have to hold up your hand and say, “no, sorry not playing that game.”

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    • Neecy
      Sep 30, 2013 @ 11:27:48

      You know what neuro you are so right!! That is why I feel BW should stop looking at the dating arena as something they are missing out on. Of course a BW should always keep her options open to finding a quality mate. But frankly, the way things are out there right now, BW are not missing much.

      Non Black women are going through it to – but in different ways. They may get the quanity of men approaching them online or for dates, but the quality is very low. millions of online hits on online dating sites and may possibly go out on more dates, but the results are not looking up for them – except that they are just going out on dead end dates with losers or men who are not quality men int he first place.

      And then look at the divorce rates in America in general. All races of women are being hit there as well.

      And yes. A lot of women get married in their 20’s to men who are obsessed with their youth and beauty and then later as they start reaching middle age, they get tossed like yesterdays trash. Many Non Black women (White especially) have to deal with this quite often as they get older. no longer being seen as worthy or attractive in the eyes of thier husbands simply because they have aged and no longer look like the 20 something he married back when.

      This is especially huge in European cultures where women are seen as no longer worthwhile after the age 30 and up. SAD. because so many women these days are aging well into thier 40’s and 50’s.

      These men then take their money and resources to go and get younger women. I just had a discussion with my White friend whose aunt is going through this now after having been married to her husband PUT HIM THROUGH LAW SCHOOL for 28 years. he left her and thier kids for some Asian woman and had kids with this Asian woman and doesn’t even help out his ex WHite wife with her kids. She had to take him court.

      This is why I don’t focus much on pushing relationships on this blog with BW because I feel BW would do much better focusing on themselves and getting themselves and thier minds right FIRST before jumping head into the dating market now which is brutal for ALL WOMEN and full of cads and losers and sociopaths looking to get over.

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      • Ray
        Sep 30, 2013 @ 13:26:59

        It’s a bad system but one we’ve had forever! It doesn’t apply to everyone but it applies to most! Both genders are shallow. Men marry a woman for her youth and beauty and women marry men for their wealth or earning potential! Oh,most of you ladies might play around with the pool boy, but you won’t marry him. Now the guy who OWNS the pool? He’s got marriage potential!

        Unfortunately, as men get older they make more money and as women age most lose the beauty they brought to the table in the first place! All the beauty products in the world are not going to make a 45 year old look 20 again!

        When guys hit their mid life crisis they think, “What happened? I’m more successful than ever and she’s starting to look like her mother! She’s not holding up her end of the deal, so I’m going to trade her in on a newer model!” Is it fair? No! But that’s the way the system has run for generations. Things could be changing though. As black women get more power in the workplace they’ll start being able to pick younger guys when the older ones no longer have the looks or stamina to keep up with them! Turnabout is fairplay!

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        • Neecy
          Oct 02, 2013 @ 21:16:10

          Well then what would be the incentive for women to even get married when they are in thier 20’s if the loser husband if going to toss them aside in 10-15 years?

          The fact of the matter is, women need to vett men better. men who are overly obsessed with their looks and ages while they are in their younger years are most likely going to be the men who toss them aside later when they are older and do not look the same.

          Non Black women may benefit when they are younger based on thier racial status and looks, but they pay the price later when those same men who chased after them and even married them, start cheating on them with younger versions of themselves or leaving them altogether.

          Any man who is too overly concerned with a woman’s looks and age should be a red flag to a woman who is in her early years and thinking of marriage.

          In fact, any man who is overly concerned about superificial things in a mate, is a red flag for women looking for Long term partners and marriage.

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          • Ray
            Oct 03, 2013 @ 04:13:37

            People in this country have warped priorities! I have no sympathy for the gold diggers. They aren’t any better! Vetting is good but not if your limiting it to their financial status. If you marry someone for any other reason than the fact that you cannot see living your life without them, then you reap what you sow!

            Black women age better than any of their female counterparts. I’ve never seen one that didn’t look at least 10 years younger than their true age. I just rented Peeples because I have a huge crush on the lovely Kerry Washington but I couldn’t help but notice how great Diahann Carroll looks! I think that is one of the reasons a lot of white guys are starting to appreciate what a black woman can bring to the table!

            Despite, what some may think. Men don’t like messy divorces either, but once they reach a certain position in life they feel their success has earned them a trophy wife and that starts a domino effect! Trump gets a hot new wife, so then his wealthy ultra-competitive peers feel they need to follow suit!
            It’s okay to vet for ambition and a good moral base, but when you go after a guy simply because he has wealth or power, you better accept the consequences and don’t bitch when they come to fruition!

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            • Neecy
              Oct 06, 2013 @ 21:10:11

              The same way women use their beauty to attract high value men, high value men use their resources, money and material things to attract beautiful top notch women.

              Men cannot complain and say women should not be seeking them for their resources when that is what a lot of men use to ATTRACT the kinds of women they desire!

              So in essence what I am saying is, the penedulem swings both ways. if men do not want to be used solely for their resources and finances, then they should stop using those things as a way to attract top notch women and maybe focus on promoting their personality and character over their resources.

              And if women do not want to be tossed aside when they get older, they should focus their attentions on men who are not so shallow and only use them for their looks when they are younger. Because she is setting herself up for a fail later on when that same shallow man and she gets older, and he looks for something younger and better looking.

              The point? People who begin their relationships on superficial standards, those same relationships 9/10 will end based on superficial standards.

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      • Peanut
        Oct 01, 2013 @ 06:41:56

        are we asking a bit much though, yeah it’s good to have self esteem and value derived only from within, but the average person needs some type of positive reinforcement to help them along. no, their entire self worth should not be based on the perception of others, but some help is needed for the average person. i think it’s a lot to expect black women to NOT be affected by negativity in some way. that is why i think some black women have just given up on their looks etc and don’t even try because i think that some of us think no matter what we do , we’ll never meet societys’ standards so why bother. obviously that is the wrong attitude, but we need the same support and validation as anyone else. perhaps other black women will have to be the main source of support, but we need more of that if that is it.

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        • Robynne
          Oct 01, 2013 @ 19:28:03

          If you keep looking to others to feel like you are somebody (seeking permission), then you will be perpetually miserable. Sorry, but it is the truth. Stop looking to the media & to people and places who don’t like you for some kind of validation. That is ridiculous. Rid your mind and space of poisonous entities and be the best woman you can be. If you have great self-presentation and confidence – or at least the appearance of confidence – people will act accordingly and and you will get your desired results. On the other hand, if you seem to be asking for other people’s approval, you will invite disdain – people don’t like beggars, and have nothing but contempt for them. I really wish more bw realize this. Act like you are a million dollars – most people will believe it!

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          • Robynne
            Oct 01, 2013 @ 19:44:21

            Sorry for the typos (“realized, not realize). I also apologize for the typos below 🙂

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          • Neecy
            Oct 02, 2013 @ 21:28:42

            EXACTLY ROBYNE!! THANK YOU!

            The fact is, BW who keep asking and looking for that same kind of reinforcement that Non Black women get are going to keep being in for a rude awakening because it will never happen.

            Plus people should not be looking to the media and society to reinforce them. If one needs reinforcement, they should seek out loved ones and friends for that since they have proven to be of value in that person’s life and actually cares for them.

            Does it help to have positive images in the media and society? YES. But BW need to now UNDERSTAND too many people benefit off the bad stereotypes and images of BW for them to have any interest in showing any positive reinforcement towards us. PERIOD.

            This is the probem with so many BW. And this is always why Black women feel the need to run and defend and argue with every damn being who puts down Black women. because BW are always looking to be validated by BLACK MEN, WHITE MEN, SOCIETY, MEDIA. these entities have shown they have ZERO interest in t he upliftment or positive reinforcement of BW and BW need to get the memo and fast.

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          • Peanut
            Oct 06, 2013 @ 22:42:21

            i guess i could have changed the word that i used, it’s not about validation, what i really mean is support. I think it’s part of the human condition to need support from others. Black women are human just like any one else and we need the same social support that any other human would. I just think that sometimes just telling Black women that we shouldn’t be feeling a certain way because others see us a certain way is too simplified. yes, it would be nice if we could all be “strong and independent,” who don’t need support or some type of positive reinforcement form others, but that is not realistic. there is a difference between being completely dependent on others for your self-worth and value, that i do think is unhealthy, and just needing basic social support and positive attachments…any human being needs the latter. if you’re told again and again that you’re an unappealing person however…whether it be from the media, family, friends, boyfriends or whatever, most people will be affected by that in some way.

            you really have to train yourself NOT to fall into that mentality if that is all you hear. it’s a human reaction. but i think that support can come from other black women, family, friends, it doesn’t have to come from the media. i think that black women can limit exposure to the media, but we still need support and social support even if we limit negative media exposure.

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        • Neecy
          Oct 02, 2013 @ 21:24:11

          No we’re not asking much. If you or any Black woman seeks to be validated by outsiders (who have CLAERLY shown no interest in supporting Black women) then expect to be disapointed and left out. its not gonna happen! If you read my post clearly, it is telling BW that they need to STOP PUTTING THEIR FAITH INTO PEOPLE AND THINGS that are not going to do much for us by way of reinforcement and upliftment. That is, will only be BLACK WOMEN who can and will be able to provide that kid of net for BW to fall on.

          And no not every BW needs to be reinforced by outside media or society or men. There are still plenty of BW who are comfortable in their skin despite the constant barrage of insults on Black womanhood. WHY? because they understand what its all about – and its not about THEM AS BLACK WOMEN but other people’s need to have a scapegoat to fall back on and use as a stepping stool to feel better about themselves.

          SOme Black women are clear about what it is that they are dealing with in this world, and have decided to be her own support and reinforcement by understanding that she should not drink the koolaid about everyone else’s supposed “greatness” nor should she drink the koolaid about her “supposed” inferiority.

          Black women have choices. you can either continue to ask, wait and pray for the day others are going to give you the crown and the pedestal and reinforce you so that you can feel valuable, or you simply understand its all a bunch of bullshit anyway and learn to love and reinforce yourself by surrounding yourself with people and other Black women who are on the same page.

          And all the reinforcement in the world is not going to guarantee you happiness. White women still have many self esteem issues and problems they face despite the constant reinforcement they receive everywhere.

          Stop looking to be validated by others as if that is the saving grace for your existence and value.

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          • Peanut
            Oct 06, 2013 @ 22:44:48

            i didn’t say anything in my comment about needing reinforcement from the media or people who don’t care for us, i said it was human to need positive reinforcement and social support. that is what i said.

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          • Peanut
            Oct 06, 2013 @ 22:47:11

            and the thing is, i agree with what you’re saying, but the type of validation you’re talking about in your comment, is not the type of validation that i was talking about in my comment. i was talking about support in general, not support from the media specifically.

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        • SS
          Oct 03, 2013 @ 05:24:36

          @Peanut
          What if you got the validation from these sources? What then? Will you feel good about yourself then? What if they chose to acknowledge you and then took it back? What will become of you then?
          The fact remains black women need to espouse themselves and themselves alone. I don’t care for the media in general and I have weaned myself from it. We are all women and all women possess femininity. It is tapping into our femininity that makes us pleasing to heterosexual males regardless of color. Forget the media. They have proven time and time again to be destructive, regardless of what group you belong to. It may seem that white women benefit but they only benefit if they managed to stay young and slim forever. Do you wonder why legions of white women invest so much in plastic surgery that often makes them look absolutely ridiculous or have problems with bulimia and annorexia? They are victims of their own media. The media validates them only if they stay young forever. You and I know that is impossibility. The irony is that black women tend to look much younger for their age so that ideal may best suit to us lol. My point is I would not go looking for validation from a source that is designed to hurt you if you’re not careful. We’re lucky (if we choose to see) in that we can see the media for it is i.e. a mindf**k of epic proportions.

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          • Neecy
            Oct 06, 2013 @ 21:17:43

            ^^^^ THIS!

            SS you said a mouthful.

            Yes the whole reality of it is. White women even with all of the propaganda and reinforcements in media and society still struggle daily with trying to maintain those very ideals they are “worshipped” for.

            And at the end of the day as you said, White women are only as good as their youth and thinness (in terms of society seeing them worthy and beautiful) before they are tossed away into the irrelavent files after they start aging and if they gain any weight.

            Look over the manosphere with all the deluded sexist losers who while placing WW on a pedestal only see WW worthy as long as they are young and thin and under the age of 25. And these are the same losers saying they aren’t attracted to Black women? UHM Black women are not missing out ONE BIT with these deluded loser men. let White women and Non Black women deal with those losers who see them as no good after 25 years old.

            So Black women should actually rejoice that we don’t have much standards to live up to other than what we set out for ourselves.

            We do not have to uphold these crazy ideals that are paced on White women everyday. And we do not have to deal with those undesirable males who claim to only see the beauty in WW (as long as they are 25 and under and thin).

            Non Black women have a very short window of time to enjoy their “female” pedestal status. That has to be more pressure on them to uphold, than Black women to not have to worry with.

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  13. Mitsouko
    Oct 01, 2013 @ 05:54:56

    All very good suggestions Neecy.

    BW should not go public revealing their hang-ups, neurosis etc. Nor tell the world what we’re sensitive about. Other people watch and learn how to throw arrows. Tom and Lorenzo discuss celebrity fashion (it’s a great site to learn about how to improve your choice of clothes), whenever a famous BW is highlighted and commenters are saying they like her hair a bizarre thing happens: a bw commenter crawls out of the woodwork to let everybody know the celebrity is wearing a weave. Sometimes they make very disparaging remarks about the weave. I really don’t understand why bw would do this. They should keep their traps closed. (I wear my hair natural but I’m all for Bw doing whatever they choose to do to enhance their beauty).

    As a result what I am noticing is all and sundry feeling free to comment on BW’s hair. One very blatant example was a middle-aged white English commentator having the audacity to point out that Serena Williams’ hair was not real. There was a long silence and he apologised moments later. There you have it. They wouldn’t know if black people kept their mouths shut.

    On a lighter note, Tom and Lorenzo wrote a post about the importance of Kerry Washington I think you’ll all enjoy.

    http://tomandlorenzo.com/2013/09/kerry-washington-in-marchesa-at-the-2013-emmy-awards.html

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    • Robynne
      Oct 01, 2013 @ 19:34:17

      “BW should not go public revealing their hang-ups, neurosis etc. Nor tell the world what {they} are sensitive about.”

      THIS. THIS. THIS.

      What do these geniuses think they will gain when they expose their various neuroses, except by tainting other BW with the same brush, as if we all suffer from the same insecurities etc. Not only that, but as you noted, this opens the door for outsiders to come spewing their vitriol as well. I also despise petty bw who come on line to disparage other bw for wearing extensions and the like Then these same fools have the nerve to get upset when the tables are turned on them, by a non-black person at that.

      It is just not a good look to publicly air all your insecurities and other problems. Mum’s the word. The less you talk, the less ammunition your haters will have to use against you.

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      • Neecy
        Oct 02, 2013 @ 21:36:00

        EXACTLY Robyne,

        One issue that irks me to no end if the dark skinned BW “woe is me” stuff. ENOUGH ALREADY!! The more Black men and society hear the of dark skinned BW they will continue to use this as their fodder to attack BW.

        Its like you would think every dark skinned BW is unhappy with herself or needs everyone to love her and her skin. NOT! I have so many dark skinned Black female friends who are not of that “woe is me the dark skinned chick” mindset and it irks them too when all these sad BW go out publicly talking about how they “hate thier dark skin and hair”. They know they are beautiful and they also know what is at play. They don’t even bother with that sad tired stuff because they understand all people do is use that as more fuel to add to the fire to demean BW. Its like NO ONE is going to feel sorry for you! Just stop!

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        • Robynne
          Oct 03, 2013 @ 17:12:37

          I agree, especially with your example of dark-skinned bw. The very public displays of heightened insecurity of and feelings of inadequacy, including support of “documentaries” that put these insecurities in the spotlight, provided plenty of cannon fodder for the anti-bw elements, who have realized yet another sore spot with many bw – the damage of colourism. BW who are not immune to these atttacks (like the ones who publicly air all their business) are especially vulnerable. The issues of colourism and its effects on certain dark-skinned bw are real. However, public pity parties will not resolve anything (like REAL thereapy would). In fact, it is likely to increase the frequency and the severity of the attacks!

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        • Peanut
          Oct 04, 2013 @ 19:57:18

          and let’s not forget the good hair documentary, an embarrassment to black women everywhere…of course chris rock (a black man) had to be the one speaking FOR Black women. I had a white female friend of mine ask me after seeing the movie if black women wanted to be white???….it was horrible.

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          • Neecy
            Oct 06, 2013 @ 21:20:18

            I cannot believe Black women even paid money to see that garbage! the title was called “GOOD HAIR” for crissakes!

            UGH. Black women have got to stop playing stupid when they put their money up for these Black fools to make fun of them and then afterwards claim they were pissed.

            I knew to not even entertain that mess.

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    • Neecy
      Oct 02, 2013 @ 21:32:24

      YES! I cannot understand why the one group of women who is always talking about having better images and such is the same group of women who will outpour all the issues and fears they have – so that the haters can use that as fodder to continue to poke at Black women who they know will respond with emotions.

      Black women do need to learn a lesson in keeping thier traps shut and/or finding safe places where other Black women are to discuss these things. Making all these public decrys doesn’t garner any sympathy for BW but rather people use that as fuel to attack BW and make fun of them.

      I agree that Black women need to STOP with the self depracating comments – its not going to make anyone like them more or have any empathy for us. It just makes us look SAD.

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  14. Mitsouko
    Oct 01, 2013 @ 07:21:10

    Ok I just read the other comments and had to respond to the conversation about middle aged men trading in their wives for younger models. Have you seen most men past 40? Do young women know the quality of a mans sperm drops precipitously after 30? The little blue pill is a godsend for many. The manosphere is replete with deluded men. Everybody has to work hard to maintain a relationship (read Athol Kay’s married man sex life).

    Yes Neecy the focus should be on enhancing oneself as much as possible. I feel these discussions are becoming more nuanced and its great to see. We’re understanding that other women have some advantages but the picture is far more fractured than first believed.

    I don’t think BW have had any issue with putting on the sexy; it’s the feminine, soft, charming, coy, flirty, damsel-in-distress, put together with intention, quality looking, relaxed, warm, sweet-angel, along with the suggestion of sexy we need to practise. This is what heterosexual men say they want.

    Growing up if you took ‘too much’ delight in your femininity (paying attention to your grooming) it was seen as frivolous. Remarks like: “you think you’re a lady of leisure” were thrown around constantly. I saw very few examples of bw taking pleasure in being a woman. It was a jedi mind trick getting bw to abandon their feminine beauty. Thank heavens it is changing.

    I am biased but I believe when black women look after themselves they are on the whole the most stunning women out there. Have you, dear man, felt the softness of our lips; lost your hand in the cloud like texture of our hair; witnessed the iridescence of our skin in the evening sun; marvelled at our wrinkle free face; fall for our infectious easy laughter; rested your weary head in our ample bosom; wondered about our resilience and loyalty; squeezed our perky firm buttocks? Have you said: ‘hello, I’d like to get to know you’?

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    • Neecy
      Oct 02, 2013 @ 21:42:10

      I agree Mitso,

      I think somewhere BW lost the femininity edge due to trying to hard to take on the role of MEN in the community. That eventually has worn down on BW and now BW are lost as to how to regain their femininity back. Instead they adopted the “STRONG BW” meme and tossed out the feminine ideal and now look what that has garnered for BW overall. We are the least protected female group. Well yeah is all we did was say and send the message we can do everything ourselves, we are STRONG etc., then that gives people the message that we do not need to be protected nor do we want to be seen and treated as other women who do not proudly take on the STRONG WOMAN role.

      But as you said, slowly that is changing and more BW are realizing we were and are being BAMBOOZLED into squandering our femininity to hoist others up and keep others in a safe comfy place with us.

      I see the fear and unsettling in many people when a feminine and attractive BW is in their presence. They really become uncomfortable. And that is why the media pushes the fat asexual sassy mean BW image. because people are comfy with BW being this way. But when BW aren’t, the claws and hate comes out b/c they fear a feminine attractive BW. And we know why!

      Black women need to shake things up and just stop making everyone damn cmftable.

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      • Peanut
        Oct 06, 2013 @ 22:56:16

        the funny thing about the strong black woman meme though, is that i think a lot of that comes from lack of social support, which is what i was alluding to in my earlier comments. I think expecting black women to keep their feelings about self esteem, beauty standards inside because it’s fuel for the fire and also expecting black women to NOT be affected by beauty standards at all is part of the problem…and in a way it’s kind of putting Black women into the strong Black woman box, which you say you hate so much. I agree that publicly declaring things that we are insecure about to non-blacks may not be the best choice because non-bp won’t care or understand, but I do think it’s important that black women have a space where they can be vulnerable and admit to things we struggle with, bring up some of our insecurities and get the support that we need from within safe spaces, from other black women, supportive black men and non-black men etc…it’s important. no, black women shouldn’t get too wrapped up in the beauty standards and the media and there has to be a healthy boundary where we understand that we’re not defined by beauty standards, but at the same time when we see things again and again that are hurtful, sometimes you just need to vent and let that pain out and move on. sometimes feeling vulnerable and expressing your feelings can help you heal and move on.

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        • Neecy
          Oct 07, 2013 @ 10:59:36

          Black women have TWO CHOICEs and TWO CHOICES ONLY:

          1) Continue to be affected negativley by things you cannot change; continue to keep hoping and talking about how great it would be if this or that happened. Continue to say how this, that and the other is holding BW back. Continue to say how BW are victims because x,y,z won’t support us.

          2) Swallow the red pill, deal with reality and progress forward based on that; I.E. Learn to get what you are missing by starting with YOURSELF and seeking out other like minded individuals and people and entities who will be happy to share that support and reinforcement. Understand you cannot CHANGE OTHERS and how they see you or what they are willing or not willing to do for you and DO IT YOURSELF.

          There is only TWO CHOICES HERE; pick one.

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      • Peanut
        Oct 06, 2013 @ 23:00:50

        “I see the fear and unsettling in many people when a feminine and attractive BW is in their presence. They really become uncomfortable. And that is why the media pushes the fat asexual sassy mean BW image. because people are comfy with BW being this way. But when BW aren’t, the claws and hate comes out b/c they fear a feminine attractive BW. And we know why!”

        yes, i’ve seen this myself…but i like it when they get uncomfortable…it’s funny to me.

        and you know what neecy, i think we actually agree on most of the stuff we’re saying, but i think the way i have been writing it comes off like i’m saying things that i’m not because most of the stuff you’re saying i agree with.

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  15. omerta327
    Oct 01, 2013 @ 21:32:49

    Alright, Neece. Who’s that girl in the 5th pic – the one in red on the bed. Damn…

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  16. Neecy
    Oct 02, 2013 @ 21:45:35

    That’s Tanya Manganyi an African model. She’s a goddess!! That’s also her in the 2nd Black and White bikini photo.

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  17. Neecy
    Oct 07, 2013 @ 10:52:59

    PEANUT,
    In response to your posts regarding BW needing support and to vent etc.

    I still don’t think you get it. It doesn’t matter *WHAT* type of validation you are talking about. No one is saying that BW should not want social support and all the other things you mention. What WE ARE SAYING IS, its NOT THERE so there is no need to keep talking about “how good it would be to have _______”. Since its not there BW have one of two choices- either keep talking about how we need to have X,Y,Z and keep saying how if we don’t get it we will never be able to overcome our self esteem issues, OR understand the REALITY that we are not getting that social support adn X,Y,Z and to take our own destiny into our own hands and start giving ourselves the positive reinforcement we need instead of relying on outside sources.

    Self esteem and self love STARTS FROM WITHIN and ENDS from WITHIN. It does not need to rely on outside sources. Outside sources are just the icing on the cake if you get it. it is *NOT* necessary to constantly receive reinforcement from outside sources to feel worthy and good about yourself.

    That is why I have BEEN SAYING In my posts that Black women CAN seek these reinfoecemtns with other like minded BW and people who have shown to care about BW.

    What we are trying to tell you and what I keep reiterating in my posts is that BW need to only seek reinforcement in places and people who have shown they care – i.e. OTHER LIKE MINDED BLACK WOMEN and entities that are supportive of Black women (family, friends, etc).

    looking to people, things and places that have shown little to no support for BW is futile and a waste of time.

    Also, we are not sayng that Black women cannot and should not *WANT* these things and/or cannot vent. WHAT WE ARE SAYING is too many Black women blabb about all their problems to the WRONG PEOPLE and in the wrong settings that are not safe places for BW and places where people use BW’s nuerosis against them.

    NO ONE IS SAYING Black women need to hold in their hurt, anger whatever. Obviously sites like mine and all the other BWE sites I listed are there for that support so that BW can work through these things in a safe place.

    We are saying there is a PLACE and time to express these things and they are in SAFE PLACES with other Black women who can provide guidance and support on how to handle those feelings.

    I don’t know how many more times I can spell it out.

    You seem to be stuck on things that you cannot change. You cannot MAKE people give Black women positive reinforcement. you cannot MAKE people provide social supportive networks for BW. All the people who have these things WORKED to have that for THEMSELVES. Would it be GRRRREAT to have all those things? YES! but they are not necessary for BW to thrive and love themselves. IOW”s if BW want these things they have to start with THEMSELVES.

    Self love, reinforcement and all those other things STARTS FROM WITHIN. This is what you are not getting or do not want to accept. It does not matter what kind of validation we are talking about – social, media, individual etc. Its all the same. Seeking validation from outside sources will prove to be counterproductive for progressive minded Black women. If you cannot see that, then I have nothing more to say.

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    • Peanut
      Oct 07, 2013 @ 16:30:29

      okay, i got what you’re saying

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    • Peanut
      Oct 07, 2013 @ 18:03:24

      so just to be clear neecy, are you saying that if i wanted to come on here and cry (hypothetically speaking) about things that i struggle with as a black woman, self image issues etc…it would be OKAY do that HERE on this blog..you just don’t want that done in public?

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      • Neecy
        Oct 07, 2013 @ 21:54:33

        Yes, but I also don’t want to entertain BW victimhood. If a BW has a sincere issue with her self esteem and such, she needs to seek some kind of therapy.

        All I can do is offer ways to progress. I don’t want to stay stuck in the victim mode on this blog. If we bring up issues affecting BW, we also need to be coming up with ways to resolve them.

        So I guess the short answer is yes/no. YES if you have solutions to how you are going to overcome those issues. NO if you just want to wallow in self pity and “woe is me the Black woman”.

        And I want this blog to be a safe haven for black women who are struggling. I just sometimes feel some BW like being stuck in feeling sorry for themselves without any desired to overcome. Those are the kinds of BW I don’t want to entertain. But bw who want to overcome and who are open to receiving ways to improve their thought process and life, are ones who I would be happy to help. 🙂

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  18. Eji
    Oct 07, 2013 @ 12:10:37

    LOVE this entry. I am copying the link and sending it to every one of my black female friends ….. if thats okay. I especially love the idea of travel. Outside of the USA, ironically is the only place, where BW get ANY benefit at all from being American. In addition, it taught me and I am sure it will teach a host of others that there REALLY is a big huge world out there, that will give you more than half a chance at love and life. Once a complete strange stopped me on the street and told me POLITELY that I was beautiful and that it would be ‘his’ pleasure to have dinner with me, (in Rome), I began to expect more that just an ‘hey Ma!” “yo, whats up?” and any of that other rubbish that amounts to a Holla from BM’s or other classless D-bags on the street. BW need to know that we can and SHOULD expect out dates to kiss our fingertips in Hello, walk us to our doors with OUT the expectation of coming in, etc. that is how you treat a Lady and BW need to find out that we ARE Ladies!
    BW also need to know that we are NOT obligated to carry BM or the BC on our backs. We can love them, but they need to love us back and if they don’t, we are PERFECTLY within our rights to move on. I honestly believe that carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders has been TREMENDOUSLY detrimental to our physical, mental and emotional health, example, Lauren HIll. It REALLY REALLY can NOT continue.
    Nice job!

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    • Neecy
      Oct 07, 2013 @ 22:00:45

      Hi EJI!!

      Yes you are so right!

      Unfortunatley too many BW are still comfy in carrying the weight of the BC, Black people and world on their shoulders. NOT this BW! And many more progressive BW are just not down for that nonsense. We live life for ourselves!

      Traveling is going to be key to BW freedom. As you stated, one area where being an American BW has benefits is when we are traveling globally. While there may be some things that may take getting used to, i truly believe its meant for more American BW to travel abroad and find mates and start lives with men in other countries. i mean how much worse can it be than here in America where BW are barely seen and treated as women? IOW’s BW have *NADA* to lose by expanding abroad.

      From my understanding men of other countries in Europe etc., are not as sadlled with such nasty propoganda and images of AA women.

      Most American men are just lost causes when it comes to appreciating American BW – even those who do not fit into the stereotypical profiles. Our own first lady barely gets any respect or love, so what do you think the rest of the Black female population can expect in America?

      A good friend of mine who is a dark skinned non mixed looking BW, traveled to Paris a few years ago and she said she had to beat the men off of her with a stick!

      AA women who are progressive need to know there is a whole other world out there where we are treated and respected as women.

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  19. Kiwiwriter
    Oct 11, 2013 @ 17:44:56

    Excellent post….remember the words of Winston Churchill: “Never give up.”

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