Where there is smoke, there’s fire! Don’t get gaslighted!

Where there is SMOKE, there is usually a FIRE!

Happy New year everyone!! I know I have been gone a minute but with the holidays and moving and my computer still not working right, I didn’t  really have the time to devote to the blog in the later part of last year and first part of this year. I really do miss blogging because you know this is my passion. So while I may have dropped off, I am never going away because this is my HEART. Sometimes othe things get in the way, but I will never abandon yall! LOL

Anyway, I want to start my first post of the New year on something extremely important for intelligent and progressive BW to be aware of and to focus on. GASLIGHTING.

Black women have to be verrrry careful these days because there is MAJOR Gaslighting attempts to keep Black women in their place. And those gaslighters are of the same hue and race AND sometimes GENDER. Many are Black women who are still holding onto a wing and a prayer  STRING and a HAIR, on the idea that because they know a ton of intact and functional whole Black people, that this zeros out the  extensive dysfunction faced in the BC which Black women and girls are often the unfortunate beneficiaries of.

I have yet to see any other group of women be so blatantly against seeing themselves as a collective prosper than Black women. It’s really disheartening! I mean you have so many BW who are just stubborn and refuse to wakethehellup because of their own lack of critical thinking and being able to think outside the “BLACK BOX” that they will do any and everything to harass, demean and bemoan anything a Black women does that is not within the realm of FREEDOM FIGHTING for her race and people or MEN.

Remember folks: it has ALWAYS and will ALWAYS  be the male of a culture and community and race (in FUNCTIONAL communities and races – key word FUNCTIONAL) who is left to uphold and fight to retain his race by protecting the women and children of his communities. Once the male of a culture and race has LEFT and has no desire to do such and expects the women to do it, IT’S A WRAP! You can keep on fighting, clawing, and doormating yourself till death do you part, but you will NEVER EVER see any real results of improvement of progress until the MALE of a race or culture has it in his groin, abdomen, heart to fight to protect and uphold the goodness in his women and children and communities.

Examples of gaslighting Black women who keep holding onto a wing and a prayer STRING and a HAIR are Black women who:

n  Use purple unicorn incidents of non-dysfunction in the BC as examples of why BW should ignore BWE and others who are telling them to look at the BIGGER PICTURE and common dysfunction in the BC that are affecting BW near and far and ESCAPE.

n  Use their own personal lives as some sort of example or PROOF that BW should not fret nor worry about those talking about the overall dysfunction and dangers of remaining in a community that neglects the needs and safety and progress of its women (i.e. “There are no single parents, dead beat dads *IN MY FAMILY Or SOCIAL Circle* THEREFORE, all that other dysfunctional stuff people are talking is just because they don’t have what I have!

n  Focus on the 1-5% of Good BM who raise their kids, don’t have baby mommas and who love them some “dark skinnded sistas” as some sort of reason why BW should not expand their options because they know of several good BM who fit that profile (of course that means the majority and therefore many BW should ignore the obvious large percentage of BM who are not quality mates or fathers and focus on the 1-5% who are probably already married and in functional relationships). LOL. Oh wait, Black women looove man-sharing their KANGS!

n  Black women who keep coming up with REASONS EXCUSES to keep supporting, throwing their money, resources, time and support into Black men preying on the ignorance and non-critical thinking of the majority of BW by selling them books about BLACK LOVE (yet traveling the globe on expensive vacays with Non Black girlfriends and wives( LMFAO *Hill Harper you devil you!* 😈    ), movies and plays that are basically giving them the finger, by supporting networks, TV shows and entertainers who are using BW for net gain and then dumping them alongside the road with the rest of the roadkill once they get what they needed from BW.

n  BW who keep thinking that if they go out there and sister soldier & MAMMY for the Black community and Black men that ONE DAY, the favor will be returned.

n  BW who LIE and try to use progressive BW’s messaging as some sort of insane irrational exploit because “we don’t know good Black men or people”

The list goes on but I will spare you further headache.

But the bullet points are CLEAR examples of the typical gas lighting that so many other clueless non critical and COMFORTABLE in the PIG SLOP BW will give and use to tear down a BW progressive message that tells BW  *WHERE THERE IS SMOKE, THERE IS USUALLY FIRE.*

It’s easy for me to sit here and talk about how much of a decent life I have had. How I came from two loving parents and a whole family (although my parents divorced young, my dad still played a major part in my upbringing and life with his love and many contributions materially, emotionally).  I could go on and on about how I have not experienced the pain and dysfucntion that many other BW have. I can go on about how I never experienced rejection from Black men because I fit the “color spectrum” of what they tend to desire most.

YES we get it. There are plenty of Black women and people who did not grow up in or apart of the typical Black community dysfunction, who may not have dealt with the unfortunate end of colorism, who are not single moms,  who are not products of single parent homes, who have wonderful Black fathers and men in THEIR fAMILY!  But just because you didn’t grow up in or around it, didn’t experience it, doesn’t mean you are not affected in some way.

I’m of a lighter shade. I don’t know what it’s like to be put down for my skin shade as a darker hued BW may have experienced. Or being rejected by my own race of men due to my skin shade. But does that mean as a BW I shouldn’t CARE!??? Just because it may not affect me directly, doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect me as a BW indirectly. I could have a child with a Non Black man who may take the skin tome of my mom or some other dark skinned woman in my family. Maybe my mother is darker than I and I do not want anyone putting down dark skinned BW because they are in my blood line and life. Or maybe I just think its FUCKINGSTUPID and SHITTY and INSANE to base beauty of a damn skin shade!

 I can come up with a whole host of reasons why just because something doesn’t or hasn’t affected you DIRECTLY doesn’t mean you cannot be affected INDIRECTLY in some way. And even if you may never experience another person’s pain or suffering, some people are just BORN to give a damn and want to make a difference no matter what kind of good life or great life they have and have had!

Example. Many of the BW in the BWE movement are mainly educated and many come from non-dysfunctional environments. Many had loving Black fathers and Black men in their own families and personal lives. Many have no OOW kids and are not single mothers and therefore have not struggled like the average single Black mother has financially or such. Does that mean we cannot look at THE BIGGER PICTURE and see what is going on outside of our lives and want to try to help other BW get to greener pastures and safer pastures and rational and non dysfunctional pastures???

The point I am making is, just because someone doesn’t experience something DIRECTLY doesn’t mean that shouldn’t care about those who are experiencing something negative directly or even acknowledge how not addressing a larger phenomenon can and often does seep into the lives of BW as a whole no matter how good of a life they had growing up or are currently living. No matter how educated they are. No matter how loving and whole of a family they came from.

We see every day the remnants of what happens when BW do not address critical issues and problems affecting us collectively. I have a great life and have been very blessed. But I also feel the pain and struggle of being a BW in America who as a collective is often seen as invaluable because of WHAT I am and not WHO I am. 

When the studies come out of Black women this and that, those studies are looking to BW as a collective. When we see young Black women not succeeding, being used, abused and kicked around, it may not directly affect me or Black women as a whole, but indirectly all BW suffer when we are not seeking to improve our collective agenda and lives for ourselves, the current and future generations.

When we continue to allow colorism to prevail (in which BW are usually the biggest sufferers), BW to be demeaned in media and public, to be shown as one dimensional, ALL BLACK WOMEN LOSE. No matter her economic status,  skin shade, education or lack thereof!

So this is why BW bloggers like myself, Khadija, OLS (not your girl Friday), Christelyn (Beyond Black and White), Evia and a host of other BW bloggers seek to reach out to Black women FAR and WIDE and encourage each other to do whatever they can to make the best lives for THEMSELVES.

And for us critical thinking BW that means REMOVING THYN SELF from dysfunctional people, communities and thinking. Because the more BW doing what is best for SELF, moving away from dysfunction and crabs in a barrel mentality that holds them back as an individual and person,  means more BW doing better COLLECTIVLEY, which means more BW able to counteract the negativity and BS that we are constantly bombarded with, means more Black women and girls living better more prosperous and SAFE lives.

You know I always think about that motto – “TOGETHER WE STAND, DIVIDED WE FALL”. Let me be clear. I have no interest in standing with clueless, careless, sister soldiers, hateful, jealous, idiotic, racist, Black women who are happy to continue to try to put sugar over shit and pretend that all is really well with Black women and Black people. That may be true in other parts of the world, but here in A-MER-IC-A – Black women have a lot of work to do for ourselves and our collective to prosper better than what we are doing now. And fortunately or unfortunately, (depending on how you look at it) it will be the critical thinking BRAVE, out of the box thinking Black women who will make that difference!

The  problem is many Black people don’t like their dirty laundry aired and when they see BW like me or BWE bloggers doing just that, they get pissed! That means they gotta actually take a look within and cannot point the finger to anyone or any other group like WHITE PEEPLES and play the victim.  When they aren’t doing that, they start their gaslighting BS talking about the purple unicorns and RARE examples of goodness as a way to DEFLECT from the major issues nad problems that need to be addressed head on.

Self relflection and improvement is a hard thing! And Black people got it BAAD. Well I dontgiveashit, I’m calling a spade a spade as are many growing CONCERNED critical thinking BW who want to see our collective PROSPER and stop regressing!

The  way the world works and how things improve is not by people sitting on their own hind legs and asses waxing poetic about how *THEY* don’t know dysfunction because they haven’t been personally exposed to it, and focusing simply on the life they have had and the people they know and using that as some measuring  stick to flick away obviousness of WHERE THERE IS SMOKE, THERE IS USUALLY FIRE.

GOOD and positive change comes from people who no matter their experiences, are willing to try to do their part in helping others – be it opening their eyes to things that are dangerous, non-progressive or physically stepping in and making a difference. For some of the BWE bloggers and BW TRYING to do their part in reaching and throwing a life vest to BW, simply using the internet as our voice is how we are trying to combat and do our part. Others may get in the trenches and physical go out and help unfortunate BW.

I dontgiveafuck how a BW does it. Anyone doing their part to help BW be it verbally or physically is MAKING A DIFFERENCE!

GASLIGHTERS can consume themselves in their own flames but I’ll be damned is I sit by and allow them to try to take the rest of us with them!


For your reading pleasure:



82 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lynn
    Jan 15, 2014 @ 17:17:30


    Thanks for the support at WOAD today! Gina is deliberately being obtuse in this manner. She’s also misinterpreting Khadija’s and all the other BWE pioneers’ message. But that is okay. BWE was never meant for the MASSES of bw. Most of them are lost. I just posted there to defend the movement that has uplifted me so much. Also for the fence sitters who may be in her readership. Gina is just mad that her pool of sista soldiers is dwindling by the second. Younger bw are not falling so easily and fast for the ‘save the community’ claptrap. The BC is the true ‘bunker’ she talked about. BWE is the mountaintop. Like any other mountaintop there is only room for a few.

    As for her ‘gloating’ about bwe downfall; again lazy bw will not benefit. They latch onto faux/impersonators like Christelyn cause her message is the same shyt the BC has always promoted, sprinkled with a few truths in there. Black people in the main hate to think critically, hate for their views to be challenged. All those chicks over at WOAD posting their personal experiences as the “norm” for the BC are lying. I’m happy more and more bw can see through that!



    • Neecy
      Jan 17, 2014 @ 10:04:10

      Exactly LYNN!

      I don’t know what Gina has been eating or drinking lately but clearly she has developed some BLIND SPOT when it comes to her blog and the root of the issues she discusses in terms of BW.

      Can she not see that many o the issues she addresses about Black women and girls STEM from the very mentality and community and people who coddle Black dysfunction?

      Not only that her and her readers are deliberatley acting OBTUSe by acting as if they do not know what BWE bloggers mean when they tell BW to escape to Greener pastures. I mean REALLY? I just can’t with this kind of obvious blatant ignorance.



  2. Lynn
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 11:05:07


    I posted the following reply at WOAD hours ago and the hostess did not allow it through, though I saw updated posts appear recently. It appears she does not like my reply. If I may I would like to post it hear for all ‘fencesitting’ bw:

    To all the ‘fencesitters’ out there: everything Brad and the others touting “BC is the only place for you” is a bald face LIE. I have divested from the majority of the BC almost a decade ago. It can be done. It should be done. For your future children. The blog host admits in her post: most of the institutions of the Black community are infected with the diseases of sexism and misogyny. Why stay and fight all the MEN who are benefitting from the chaos and the majority of the women who are DBR-identified? Women should not fight men, period. If BM are not leading the movement to clean up these institutions you will fail! And lose years of hard work, money, and possibly your life. You do the math. You do make the decision.
    My community is diverse, made up by mostly white people, with a very few likeminded black folk, and other minorities. The binding force in my community is reciprocation; everyone practices it. Now, joining another community will have to entail modifying your behavior patterns and definitely learning a new mindset. The requires work; it’s easier to sit in the cesspool of the Black Construct and let the heat slowly cook you to death.
    I have never lacked for male interest, always have had someone to turn to when I need help, and most importantly I’M SAFE, SANE, AND ABLE TO IMPROVE MY CIRCUMSTANCES. As a BW, my first community is my future daughters. So, I’m helping this movement to save black girls by DIVESTING FROM THE BLACK CONSTRUCT.
    Save yourself first, and any other nearby bg/bw that you can.
    I stand by my original assertion that this post is full of lies and misinterpretion of Khadija and the BWE movement. BWE was never meant for the masses of bw; ya’ll are too lost. Only for the select few. Khadija know she ‘won’ because she has uplifted at least one bw; me. And we all know she has done this for many more.



    • Jeanelle
      Jan 16, 2014 @ 13:10:04


      What does WOAD stand for?



    • Lacy alex
      Jan 16, 2014 @ 16:42:54

      Great post! I was banned from her page when I told her that BWE is no where near extinct. To ignore the dysfunction in the black community and to encourage black women to stay is not having our daughters best interest. She should really change the name of her blog.



      • Neecy
        Jan 17, 2014 @ 10:29:39

        She is truly smoking something if she thinks any critical thinking BW can take her blog serious anymore. I supported her blog and mission up until she started acting CRAY CRAY and pointing out RARE purpule unicorn incidents of Black people doing good for BW as some sort of reason for BW to “keep hope alive”!

        And her blog is just preaching to the choir the more I look at it. It just points out the atrocities many young BW and BW face within their communities with NO REAL discussions about how Black women can avoid these things.
        Now I realize what her proposed solutions to these problems BW face are: STAY and FIGHT to make the changes. She even claimed in one post it was mainly BW’s fault for why these atrocities exist (I will pull the quote).

        She is just another sister soldier pretending to care about the lives and progress of BW and girls, yet has no real proposed solutions to dealing with it other than STAYING and recognizing RARE incidents of “do good” towards BW as some sort of saving grace.

        The main thing she accuses BWE bloggers of doing (proposing active and pro active solutions to BW avoiding all the issues they face that she addresses on her blog) like LEAVING, she does because she has no other real solutions to the problems other than telling BW to stay and fight like a bunch of SOLDIERS. Telling BW they need to fix the problems. NEVER and I mean NEVER has she mentioned the role BM need to play in fixing the community.



    • Neecy
      Jan 17, 2014 @ 10:22:19


      She will not post any number of comments that make her have to address the obvious. She is not interested in having sensible discussion on the matter. Sister soldiers like her will pretend to not know of any other alternatives for BW other than staying and fighting in the trenches to protect themselves from the very men and people who are attacking them and abusing them and causing all of the strife she discusses on her Blog.

      BW like her believe all it takes is BW doing more FIGHTING and soldiering within the community to take down all that is wrong and corrupt with Black institutions and such. OR simply pointing out once in a lifetime incidents of Black men or people doing something RARE and good for BW as some sort of reason for BW to keep hope alive. LOL

      She will never and has never mentioned how “saving the peoples and community” NEEDS the help of the MALES to make it successful or even remotely possible to clean up with is wrong with the BC.

      The reason they continue to act obtuse is because they KNOW BM have no interest in helping to rebuild or create better safer communities for BW, B/c THEY HAVE BENEFITED off of the dysfunction for DECADES! Then they have the nerve to ask “well where da Black women supposed to go when they leave”? WHAT??! Are they serious?

      BM either leave and go with women of other races and create families in outside communities or they stay and reap all the benefits of the dysfunction and sister soldiering for BM.

      The fact they keep acting stupid and pretending to not know what BW bloggers who tell BW to ESACPE and leave BLACKITSTAN means shows how deliberately stubborn or just plain stupid they are. But I know they are not stupid. They just want to keep playing devil’s advocate for no reason other than the fact that many of them simply are paralyzed in thought and action and cannot accept nor deal with change.

      This is why it’s important for younger BW (as you mentioned) to receive these empowerment messages because they are the ones most willing to make these changes for a better life and move away from atypical Black thought and crabs in a barrel.

      Many BW just aint ready and that is fine. But there are still many young BW who know deep down something aint right and they need to hear voices of BW telling them that what they are feeling IS RIGHT and they need to take steps to avoid becoming trapped in the atypical Blackistan ways of doing and thinking.

      She thinks it’s up to BW to make these changes. LOL What sister soldiers do not want to face is you cannot fix a community when most of the problem (the males) are able to run wild and do whatever with ample support from women.



  3. AYY
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 14:23:05

    Hi Neecy,
    I am a long-time lurker (avid reader actually) of your site and other BWE sites. I’m glad to see this update from you, and hope that *others* take a look at it as well. You perfectly said what I felt. I tried to post a similar response as yours on WAOD, but like Lynn’s I guess mine wasn’t posted.
    I hate the fact that, like you said, because some black women are not experiencing the negative life circumstances other BW are experiencing they act as if it’s not true or rampant. It’s this type of thinking that will bar the progress of black women. Does every BW need to be infected w/ HIV, have at least one OOW baby, be abused/killed by an intimate partner, told she is ugly because of her features, etc. before we can decide that black communities are not edifying for black women? What will it take before black women take a hardline stance? Black women cannot afford to think of the BC as reformable. Their lives and legacies are at stake when they continue to hold on to these pipe dreams. People think Khadija goes too hard, but she is going as hard as needed to get black women to wake up and make betters decision to protect their lives and legacies. I’m going to post two comments I wrote in response to WAOD–one I posted, the other I was waiting to post to see if she posted the first. My hope is that black women will see that they need to be revolutionary in their thinking; no more trying to work with anti-BW people and constructs. Period.



    • Neecy
      Jan 17, 2014 @ 10:37:27

      What will it take before black women take a hardline stance? Black women cannot afford to think of the BC as reformable. Their lives and legacies are at stake when they continue to hold on to these pipe dreams.


      No other group of women with any semblance of sanity left in their heads would tell each other to stay and try to fight and fix something that has concistently proved to be dangerous for her mental, emotional and physical well being.

      Telling BW to stay and fix the “dysfunctional Black institutions” while never mentioning how this cannot be successful without the other HALF OF THE PROBLEM (BLACK MALES) is Ludacris! Its gaslighting. Making BW think they have the power to change something all themselves.

      And then to sit and act like there are no other alternatives for BW other than to stick around and battle is disgusting and just wrong on so many levels.

      Any BW who wants to have a healthy stable family life for herself and future offspring will need to be able to think critically and see that depending on BM or the BC to provide this for her is really taking a HUGE silly risk. Not when she could get herself out into the WOLRD and live amongst other HUAMNS BEINGS who have the same values on marriage and family and raising kids in healthy environments be them of another race or not.

      No one said it was going ot be easy or BW would not face other issues in the outside world. UHM BW are not stupid nor do we live in bubbles. We go out into the world everyday to work and know what is out there. And we know there is also a lot more potential for BW who take advantage of the world and who do not stick by and around Blakc people, Blakc thought and Blackitsan for her entire life.



  4. Shaylah
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 14:25:54

    Happy New Year Neecy and welcome back. The black community is a cemetery. Khadija have done everything to lift black girls and women up to have a better life. In Chicago, when the weather get hot,so does tempers. I grew up in a 2 parent home but that does not mean that I am not affected on my friends that didn’t. When we were growing up we had the village watching us. The problem is that the village is suffering and can not help anyone. White America protect white women and if I have to live in an area to receive such protection so be it. When bm get on his feet he leaves and make sure any monies is transferred to a non-black woman, here is to you Hill Harper. BLACK WOMEN READING THIS,LEAVE BLACKISTAN ASAP. YOU LIFE LITERALLY DEPENDS ON IT. We must stop having soft spots for the black man UNTIL HE HAS PROVEN HIMSELF, NO IFS ANDS OR BUTS. Too many of the black communities have kneegrows standing in front of the stores selling loose cigarettes because he does not want to get a real job. Black women , move out of blackistan because they know , the bc is always trying to tell black women to support this and that and then when bm get on his feet, he is bad mouthing you on some talk show. EVERY BLACK ACTOR GOT RICH OFF THE BLACK WOMAN’S MONEY THEN HE LEAVES THE BLACK COMMUNITY AND GOES OFF WITH A NON-BLACK WOMEN. CHECK OUT HISTORY. So black women use your money to move and expand your dating options and social circle. Because you have other races of men want us and WANT TO MAKE US THEIR WIFE AND NOT THE WHITE MAN WHORE!!!



    • Neecy
      Jan 17, 2014 @ 11:04:52

      BINGO SAHYLA! More BW need to take their own lives into their own hands and stop listening to people who tell BW that in order for you to have racial pride and love who you are that you have to put up and accept dysfunction and nonsenes to prove that.

      A Black woman can still love hreself and being a BW living int he global world and by surrounding herself with other like minded Black women who want to progress in healthy ways and live the most prosperoous lives possible.



  5. AYY
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 14:26:00

    Comment 1:
    Gina, I have been moved by your blog, Khadija’s blog, and the blogs of others who are about black women’s empowerment (whether or not they place themselves under that category, they still function to support black women). I have been inspired in particular by your real action against people and organizations that knowingly or unknowingly endorse anti-black women attitudes and behaviors. However, I must say that I was caught off guard by your response to the Arceneaux family case, as, like Khadija rightfully said, these cases are rare. Black women as a collective have been hurt more than they have benefited from their affiliation with the black community. The high rates of sexual assault, OOW births, anti-black women misogyny in black entertainment (esp. rap), astounding rates of intimate partner violence/murder (relative to other races of women from functional communities) are reflective of that. It is critical for black women who can to seek more edifying spaces, and I’m not saying it has to be only non-black spaces. But if black women were to seek to occupy ONLY those black spaces that didn’t belittle them, require them to serve as mules, put them down for their physical characteristics, encourage them to engage in risky behaviors (e.g., unprotected sex leading to OOW babies and diseases), etc., the number of those spaces would be very small and perhaps negligible.

    Like someone else mentioned, I’m sure that like you Khadija does indeed have a group of supportive black people around here. She’s not arguing that you need to cut off each and every black person in your life, and it would be silly to think that this is what she’s saying. What she seems to be saying is to flee black collectives. In my view, these spaces are at their core against the interests of black women whether you choose to accept it or not. While you are able to “judge who is and is not an appropriate ally,” you need to remember that many black women are not and this is reflected in the low quality of life experienced by all too many black women. Black women are tied to the black community in a way that other people, including black MEN, are not. It is unhealthy. Black women are BY DEFAULT convinced that these are safe spaces for them, and so voices like Khadija’s urging them to reevaluate their environment and seek more healthy spaces are needed and CRITICAL. So many black women think a lot of bad things in the black community are normal, and need to be SNAPPED out of this simplistic thinking. Highlighting stories like the Arceneaux stories only reinforces their delusional thinking that the black community is more hopeful and healthy than it really is. This can potentially set back those black women who are on the verge of enlightenment about their real prospects in the black community but still looking for hope within it.



    • Neecy
      Jan 17, 2014 @ 11:10:49

      YES AYY!

      For her to try and twist Khadijas words and mission into something other than what it is, is just proof that a lot of BW just aint mentally ready.

      It is only going to be the critical thinking BW who “get it” and like Lynn and other have said, BWE aint for all or most BW b/c many BW just do not want to think critically about stuff and be pro active about making progress in their individual lives. Progress that means thinking for herself and not groupthink that has done nothing to further the progress of BW. PERIOD.

      And I looove the part where she claimed Khadija isn’t even a BW but a White man living in Idaho. LOL Girl these Sistas soldiers got it baddd!

      As if any White man would spend his precious time trying to change the minds of masses of BW. Once again critical thinking ladies!!! It will take you very far.

      Well guess what- If Khadija is a White man then all that changes is the race and gender but themessage still stands nad still hold MUCH WEIGHT. I would rather listen to and follow the words of s sensible White man from Idaho than a sister soldier BW ANY DAY!



  6. AYY
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 14:30:15

    [Sorry for flooding your board btw I just had a lot to say]

    Comment 2:
    It is problematic to assume that just because people seek spaces/environments with people like them, and report being happy/secure/hopeful in those environments (relative to how they *think* they would feel in other environments), it automatically means that these environments are GOOD for them. People are socialized or indoctrinated to have a high regard for their communities, countries, ethnic groups, etc. whether or not those entities work for or against them. Look at all the women from anti-women cultures around the world who will try to bite your head off when you point out the injustices against them in their communities. Look at LGBT folks who do the same in environments that are strongly anti-LGBT, where even their fellow LGBT are being persecuted and killed.

    Now, you don’t expect these people to turn their backs on their countries and all things or people therein entirely. What you should expect is that these people are more discriminatory in who they choose to align themselves with: in other words, you expect them (if they are strategic and serious about self-preservation) to judge and partner with individuals and embrace values at an individual level, not to stick firmly with the group or accept all of their group members’ views completely. They should avoid people and beliefs that are anti-[their group]. Some groups, given that it is PHYSICALLY impossible to leave anti-[them] attitudes and behaviors, cannot escape this—except for lucky ones who might seek refuge in neighboring areas/lands or faraway countries entirely. Black women in America do not constitute one of these “imprisoned” groups, and therefore should take every opportunity to avoid being saturated by people who are openly anti-black women. These people are abundant in the BC. Yes, you do have anti-black women people of other races and in non-black communities, but I find this tends to be less so than in the black community. Non-black folks who are anti-black women tend to express this by disregarding us or voicing their hate in other more subtle ways, and do not make the soul-sucking demands on black women that black communities tend to do.

    Like I was saying, because most people are hopelessly tied to the groups they are born into whether they are good or bad for them, you need to look at the CONDITIONS and OUTCOMES of people within those group rather than their own self-reported levels of happiness to see whether these groups are actually good for them. Judging black women by the *actual* conditions they face in the black community and not how much they *think* they benefit from their involvement in the black community would lead to a more hardline position like Khadija’s. The situation of black women is too dire to not think this critically.



    • Neecy
      Jan 17, 2014 @ 11:13:00

      Now, you don’t expect these people to turn their backs on their countries and all things or people therein entirely. What you should expect is that these people are more discriminatory in who they choose to align themselves with: in other words, you expect them (if they are strategic and serious about self-preservation) to judge and partner with individuals and embrace values at an individual level, not to stick firmly with the group or accept all of their group members’ views completely.

      THIS RIGHT HERE! And I am going to do my next post on this very idea right here and the other points of “where are BW supposed to escape to”. UGH REALLY????



    • Formavitae
      Jan 21, 2014 @ 16:24:58




  7. BrownSmiles
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 16:58:53

    Happy New Year and welcome back Neecy! It really was not until the very end of last year, after reading “Render Unto Caesar”, on NYGF blog, that really clarified a lot of the blowback happening againat BW.
    Anyone with minimal observation skills, both online and in real life, can either “sense” or “see” a shift happening amongst BW. This shift is not just in one particular area, but thanks to BWE, with some women, change is ocurring on a wholistic level.
    There are a lot of eyes on us!
    BWE, which a couple of years ago was maybe not taken very seriously, or at least thought to have minimal impact at best, has caught many people off guard with how rapidly some BW are embracing the message and applying it to their own lives.
    Enter: the BM and BW against it. Both genders are operating on a selfish agenda about their resistance, (which obviously should be expected, as fighting against the status quo, will expose hypocrisy and challenge priviledge, as many groups have a vested interest in BW being viewed as undesirable across the board), because they see BW moving on!
    They have no power, they have ran out of “viable reasons”and we are fleeing the plantation to freedom.
    They could not stop the BW who already left, so they are simply trying to stem the flow of more leaving. It will not take a majority of BW to pursue their own happiness, for the impact to ripple throught the BC and mainstrean America.
    So their response, scream and holler to keep hope alive, in addition to the usual gaslighting, insults and scare tactics. They are losing their grip and EVERYONE knows it! People in general are followers, so as more make the exodus, some more will follow suit. It is no longer a case of IF, but WHEN!
    Its best to stay mentally prepared, while maintaining our focus on the bigger picture. The hits are going to keep coming, the stakes are too high.
    On a final note, anyone who have read Khadijah’s work and thinks escaping from Blackistan means leaving your Blackness behind, is crazy. One of the ultimate goals is to carry a sense of pride about your race and history no matter where you live, or who you marry, instilling a sense of love for your children and future generations of BW.
    Dig in and don’t give up!



    • Neecy
      Jan 17, 2014 @ 11:16:13

      EXACTLY! And this idea that BWE is falling by the wayside is just …laughable!

      I’ll tell you what is falling by the wayside – their count of sister soldiers willing to keep sacrificing their lives and sanity for dysfunctional BM and people who aint about nothing but trying to keep BW in their place. They know it. That is why they have to rely on RARE incidents and purple unicorn situations to make some sort of *valid* point about why bW shouldn’t give up hope.

      BWE bloggers have AMPLE stats and proof of COMMON and consistent situations happening to BW and girls and why they should leave. We do not have to rely on rare purple unicorn incidents as our foundational message . That is all sister soldiers are left to do.



  8. truthp
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 17:12:23

    Hi Neecy and all 😉 I also made a comment over at WAOD in agreement with Khadija and BWE bloggers. However,I guess I just felt that points could be made without black women coming for each others throats? I hope no one confuses this as me saying we shouldn’t rustle any feathers. Now and days I just state my point/belief to the contrary of whoever and normally a hit dog will holler without even mentioning them. People who are not stupid will know that what I believe/practice is different from the next person simply by reading both posts.

    I greatly appreciate your voice Neecy as well as Khadija’s and even Gina at times has been right on the money in regards to helping improve the quality of life for black women. I just think that there had to be a better way for this disagreement to happen? No disrespect intended towards anyone. I just think that Black women just need to focus more on forming bonds with likeminded black women.



    • Neecy
      Jan 17, 2014 @ 11:20:58

      HEY TRUTH P!!

      Thanks for popping in!

      Yes the proof is in the pudding. it is best BW stick to tailoring thier messages to like minded BW.

      However, BW of any movment or way of thinking also have a right to defend themselves against detractors and those who are blatatly trying to twist our words or messaging. And that is what has happened here.

      If you want to call people out, those people have a right to call you out.

      I have always stated I have no interest in aligning ith all BW because all BW are not a monolith and do nothitnk the same. But I am just tired of BW who think outside of th box being touted as irrational, unrealistic or crazy. No we are very much rational and that is hte problem. So many BW are just used to irrational ways of doing and thinking that when something rational presents itself, they want to kick and fight against it.

      A lot of BW in the world need to know there are other alternatives in life than just Back groupthink andways of doing. Some BW are comfy and fine with that, Those are not the bW we are trying to reach.

      But I am glad to see you can be able to discern all the messages and take what you can get from each. that is what is important. Taking the good from all of the messaging and applying it to your life.



  9. truthp
    Jan 16, 2014 @ 17:31:42

    I also have to say that I know the seriousness of these issues and the necessity in combatting the message that black women should stay and fight with black men and black male identified people. Someone did have to say NO don’t do it and beware of those who would tell you to. I felt that Gina was conflating certain issues such as her reciprocating healthy family versus the vast majority that are not. I guess I just don’t like to see certain things play out in a nasty manner among black women whom I held a certain respect for.



    • Neecy
      Jan 17, 2014 @ 11:23:54

      Yeah i understand. But all i can say is every BW has to think critically about any message being tailored to her and make her own decisions on what she will take and what she will throw out. THAT is the key. You do not have to listen to one message or BW’s messaging. Take them allin and sift through it nad realize what is really the messaging that fits your life nad way of thinking.



  10. neurochick
    Jan 17, 2014 @ 06:06:14

    To stay or not to stay, that is the question.

    This: “Black women are tied to the black community in a way that other people, including black MEN, are not. It is unhealthy.” Is very, very true. It’s simple, if you’re living in an area that cannot or will not cultivate you, respect you, treat you like a human being, then it’s time to go. Find a place that will accept you and then go there. Look at the people who, years ago and today, flocked to Greenwich Village because they wanted to be with people who were like them, artists, or gay people or musicians, whatever. They wanted to be with like minded people. That’s all Khadija was saying really.

    I’ve known gay people who had to leave their towns because of homophobia. Was everybody in their town homophobic? No, but enough people were to be a problem.

    Don’t stay where you’re not wanted.



    • Neecy
      Jan 17, 2014 @ 11:25:48


      Khadijas message is really simple and clear to those who can think critically: Get out of TOXIC, DANGEROUS, NON PROSPEROUS environments and save yourself!

      How hard of a message is that to understand???



      • Khadija Nassif
        Jan 17, 2014 @ 19:49:43


        Thanks for the shout-out! Yes, it’s really quite simple: “Get out of TOXIC, DANGEROUS, NON PROSPEROUS environments and save yourself!”

        That is, it’s simple for those AA women who actually want to survive and THRIVE.

        By contrast, it appears to be as complicated as rocket science for those AA women who are more interested in sticking with the status quo of fighting on the front lines as Sista Soldiers and serving as mules.

        If our ancestors had listened to the gaslight-type of arguments put forward by these [often highly educated] Sista Soldiers, there never would’ve been The Great Migration to the north in search of better living conditions. Or the Exodusters fleeing Jim Crow to go to Kansas. Because, if they had been like these claiming-to-be-oh-so-confused Sista Soldiers, our ancestors wouldn’t have been able to figure out where else they could go, or what else they could do other than staying put and continuing to suffer under the Jim Crow status quo in the south. It’s interesting that our ancestors had less education but more common sense than a lot of modern-day folks.



        • Neecy
          Jan 23, 2014 @ 08:14:53

          EXCATLY Khadija. it all boils down to FEAR and stubborness. Black men despite all the issues they seem to have in society with being BM, the more progressive ones have not been afraid to move away from the BC and find their own bliss and lives. And these are the BM who do well.

          And a Progressive BM will look at you sideways if you even dare try to guilt him. In fact, these sister soldiers do not EVER DARE bother or harass BM about leaving and doing what they want with their lives (which usually do not involve helping Black people, children or communities nor Black women). Instead they harass and bemoan BW who are doing the same.



  11. Shaylah
    Jan 17, 2014 @ 07:21:54

    Even people in the mainstream media are taking notice. BWE is something like the great migration. Black women have relatives that were used at that time of the “say it loud , I’m black and I’m proud” movement. There was nothing wrong with that but when it was all said and done, most of those black men went off with white women and left black women to deal with the after math. No more. People don’t take kind to being used and abused. I tell black women to use your money to build yourself up and if you have children to make sure they are safe. Black men have left the building because they are enjoying the life with white/non-black women but telling you this lie and that lie. Black women here is a brief list of things to do right now:



  12. Faith Dow
    Jan 17, 2014 @ 08:01:18

    While I appreciate the overall sentiment expressed here, the fact you write about using discernment but give props to a known anti-BW anti-BWE blogger in the same space AND the fact that no one has thus far questioned you about that shows how much you and others still don’t get it.



    • Neecy
      Jan 17, 2014 @ 11:39:18

      Hi Faith,

      All I can say Is this. We are all individuals at the end of the day and we all have varying degrees of what we like and do not like.

      If you are referring to Christelyn, (which I know you are) and me mentioning her site as a place where *I* feel many BW could benefit *to some degree* from some of the messaging then you are correct.

      While I myself do not visit Beyond Black and White and participate because of various reasons, I would still have NO ISSUES referring a BW to her site because her FOUNDATION and overall message is in line with what *I, NEECY* feels is uplifting for BW. Sure there are topics and discussions I do not agree with, and that make me wanna pull my eyeballs out, just as there may be people who like my blog but not all of the posts or things I say or do.

      IOW’s I do not always throw the baby out with the bath water. And Yes Beyond Black & White has clearly stated they are not a BWE blog, but they still have topics and discussions that revolve around empowering BW to live the best lives they can and to ESCAPE toxic Black environments and relationships.

      So while *YOU* may not agree with me mentioning her blog, that’s fine. That’s YOU. A blog does not have to be labled BWE for me to look at it and its overall message an make a decision on whether or not I would refer any sensible BW to it.

      Its not an all or nothing for me. There are many things BW can take from all various BW bloggers be them labled BWE or not. If these BW bloggers are offering (healthy alternatives) then I am for it. We may have different styles and ways of tailoring our message, but at the end of the day if the overall sentiment is the same to uplift and empower and open the eyes of BW, then I stand alongside any blog by a BW that does that.

      Your cup of tea may not be mine and so on. There are BW who hate her site, some who take what they can from it and keep it moving. BW have a right to be able to choose for themselves what works for them. And sometimes throwing the baby out with the bath water is not always the solution. There is something for everyone in many places.

      In regards to me not getting it, I really have no comment other than 🙄 —- WHATEVER! ——

      Have a good weekend.



      • truthp
        Jan 17, 2014 @ 18:54:21

        what a good discussion to have. I thank you Neecy for providing this space.I agree with you here. I guess it all comes back to discernment and sifting through the junk to get to gold. To be clear I am not advising anyone to go to CK’s site. What I’m saying is,there are some “mainstream” sites that I have read that seem very prejudiced at times. However there was some very valuable financial information on those sites which is why I would read until I could find a less prejudice space with information as good or better. I would do this while complaining via e-mail to the staff. Every last one of us as black women have had to be in environments that were not uplifting to black women 100% of the time such as at work or school but we had to get what we needed. I look at it like this I guess, If I’m going to buy or support your work and I end up having to sift through all the prejudice against my kind, something life saving and/or of great value had better be in your work that I either can’t get else where or it would be extremely hard to find.

        I think black women collectively are constantly put in situations where we have to ask ourselves what exactly do I have to gain by dealing with this? Do I have to deal with this to get what I need or want out of life or is there another way.



        • Neecy
          Jan 23, 2014 @ 08:18:38

          Exactly Truth P. Just like everyone else on earth, BW need to learn how to also be shrewd and get what she needs. Everyone else is doing it and if you are not willing to do for self, then you will get eaten alive.

          I am not saying however that BW should subject themselves to anti BW things. Those things have NOTHIG positive to gain for BW and instead fill a BW’s soul with anger.

          But instead look at the overall foundation of something. If there is something a BW can take away (positive and healthy) from something, while the rest may not be of interest to her I would advise BW who are intelligent and able to sift through nonsense to get to the meat, to do so.



  13. BrownSmiles
    Jan 17, 2014 @ 10:30:13

    Lol, we do get it. Some of us choose to eat the meat and throw away the bone. I visit that site for one particular writer who does not blog elsewhere.
    Her writing is dead on and informative and its her articles that I read.
    For me its really that simple.



    • Neecy
      Jan 17, 2014 @ 11:46:44

      ^^^^ THIS! Thank you BS! (not BS as in Bull shit but your name lol)

      There are a couple or more writers on that blog like Toni and Brenda who I completely love their messaging and others who I really dislike their messaging. As you said, take the meat and throw away the bone. Sometimes there will be things you love wholly about something and other times there will be things you just gotta take away for what works for you.

      Its not always all or nothing and I would challenge more CRITICAL THINKING BW to determine for themselves how to look at an overall message and foundation and purpose of something and not just subtitles etc.

      IOW’s the foundation of her blog may not be labled BWE, but if there are topics and messages that cater to the idea that BW have healthy alternatives to what we have been accepting, then IMO why not support it in some way even if its referring other BW there to determine if its for them.



  14. Neecy
    Jan 17, 2014 @ 11:49:50

    Also I forgot to mention Halimas site as a great BWE blog (Black womens interracial dating circle)



  15. omerta327
    Jan 17, 2014 @ 12:19:37

    Hey Neece.

    I really don’t feel like I have anything to add to this discussion, being a white guy and all, so I’ll just sit this one out and say Happy New Year. Hope all is going smoothly.



    • Neecy
      Jan 17, 2014 @ 12:26:21

      HAPPY NEW YERA BABE!!!! How’s life been treating ya?

      Things are muuuuch smoother now! I moved and then had all the holiday stuff going on. But everything is finally calmed down now. Which means I’m back to kicking up dust 😉



      • omerta327
        Jan 17, 2014 @ 17:08:32

        Ugh. Life’s been pretty hectic these last couple of weeks. I wish I could win the lottery so I can quit my job and just sleep for the next 2 months.Hibernate like a bear.

        But it’ll pass.



  16. bwlivingwell
    Jan 17, 2014 @ 14:55:28

    The response I received from Gina….

    “@bwlivingwell and where will all of the “daughters” go when they flee all gatherings of Black people? I have NEVER told Black women to stay in any environment that isn’t serving them.

    And I find it laughable that YOU are trying to tell ME what my blog is about. As if you founded it. My blog has always been about challenging the institutions of the Black community. Since day one the fact that you didn’t pick up on that is a reading comprehension failure on your part.

    This isn’t a BWE blog so I don’t need policing by BWE bloggers or their followers – especially not anonymous bloggers who wont stand by their own words.

    I can’t wait to hear more about where Black women will go when they flee Blackistan.

    This blog has always been about the COLLECTIVE power of Black women(and men who care about them). Since the very first post. If you didn’t see that, that’s because you didn’t want to see that.”


    “I can’t wait to hear more about where Black women will go when they flee Blackistan.”


    I…….*sigh* I almost threw up in my mouth when I read that part.

    I have to say right now, even though I’m not in church these days, I THANK GOD, I THANK GOD, I THANK GOD I was born into the family I was, had the family I have, and HAVE THE PARENTS I HAVE. Nigerian parents who were brave enough, smart enough, legacy-minded enough to get their sh&^ together as adolescents so that they could study, work and thrive in the United States of America. When I get down on myself and think I have it bad, I immediately think of what could have been my life if my parents did not make the sacrifices they made. I can’t ever imagine to be in a place in my life where I would say something so EVIL.

    I could go back there and talk about how Jews, Nigerians, Koreans, Mexicans, LGBT, etc have left their own neighborhoods, cities, and countries of origin for a better life and STILL retained their identities, but what’s the point?!?!?

    I don’t know how Khadija, Faith, Evia, and co keep doing this sh&^. It is absolutely EXHAUSTING interacting w/ GROWN black women and males who pretend to be stupid & obtuse about their current predicament. I will never know what these BWE ladies have gone through lending a hand to black women while said black women is kicking and screaming like a child. It’s just senseless.

    *throws hands up*

    I’ve been so focused on my career (switching careers actually), planning a trip, spending more time with family, eating healthier, picking up more hobbies, etc when I really should also pay it forward and continue blogging. I love reading stories about bw thriving and I’ve neglected to do that. Can you believe even with my non-BWE blog, I was STILL getting nasty emails/messages??? Call me sensitive, but I just didn’t want to deal with it….

    Great post as always!!! ❤



    • Neecy
      Jan 23, 2014 @ 08:25:28


      Great great point!

      Black people have been moving away and migrating from their communities and such for centuries. And you used a great example of how foreign Black people looking for better lives, better education (i.e. GREENER PASTURES) realize that the only way they can make their lives the best is by moving away from their communities and such where they may be poverty striken or unable to get the kinds of education, safety and anything else that they desire.

      Does that mean all of the people in their culture and community will do it? NO. But for the ones that do and who wish to do so, they carve out better lives for themselves by taking calculated risks and understanding that, that is the only way yo progress and a person and family sometimes.

      Like Khadija pointed out, Black Americans after slavery did the same thing. Many were born, raised and bred in the South and didn’t know anything else. Many Black Americans from the South migrated to the North. YES. They felt there was a better life for them in Northern states in the USA and they realized they would have to move away from everything they knew including family and communities they were born and raise din, in the South and create and carve out a new Black existence for themselves in the North.

      These silly BW sister soldiers today are a disgrace to our ancestors and many foreign Blacks who have had enough brain matter to understand that moving away from dangerous non productive, non progressive communities and environments was best for them and their children and any future children they may have.



  17. SayWhat
    Jan 17, 2014 @ 17:20:26

    I think it’s a shame that the disagreement was even made public and became hostile so quick, because unless I have my bloggers mixed up, I’m pretty sure Kadijha stood up for Gina when she was harassed over her genarlow Wilson story.

    The BWE movement is not going anywhere in my opinion, but one thing I learned from the success of ‘best man holiday’ is that your average bw is like the wife of an abusive husband who just wants him to stop hitting her, and can’t understand why you’re telling her she has to leave because that will never happen.

    Welcome back by the way.



    • Khadija Nassif
      Jan 17, 2014 @ 18:59:16


      You said, “I think it’s a shame that the disagreement was even made public and became hostile so quick, because unless I have my bloggers mixed up, I’m pretty sure Kadijha stood up for Gina when she was harassed over her genarlow Wilson story.”

      Let me repeat a lightly-edited email reply I recently gave to a reader who wrote me to express similar sentiments:

      “Hi [Reader],

      Here are my thoughts in response to your questions:

      Unlike some other situations that have come up over the years, there isn’t much of a “backstory” to this. At least, not as far as I’m concerned.

      My core disagreement with large chunks of Gina’s activism is based on what’s been said over the years on “front street.” I believe in the marketplace of ideas, and I’ve made efforts over the years to keep my disagreement(s) with other bloggers as muted, diplomatic, and non-personal as possible. I’ve remained silent for a long time about many things because I held myself to a higher standard as an activist. [In line with the various concerns I expressed during the Table Talk For Activists posts.]

      However, there are limits to that self-restraint. Especially when other bloggers have been exercising very little to no self-restraint when it comes to slagging BWE and/or slagging BWE bloggers. I remained publicly silent for a very long time during [another situation] . [Another individual involved] took my silence as an invitation to continue trying to involve me in her behind-the-scenes nonsense. And so, I finally said something in public.

      I’m not going to remain silent or remain diplomatic forever while other bloggers feel free to make personal attacks on me, other BWE bloggers and the BWE movement overall. A sincere question for you: Did you email Gina and express similar concerns to her when she did the post in this link?


      Gina has not hesitated to make downright nasty public comments about BWE bloggers and the BWE movement overall. And she’s invited her audience to engage in the same vicious ragging on BWE bloggers and the BWE movement. Gina’s been ragging on BWE for awhile. I let it go for a long time. No more.

      I’m also not going to remain silent or remain diplomatic forever when it looks to me like somebody is trying to discourage other AA women from escaping toxic Black areas (also known as “Blackistan”). Because this is literally a matter of life and death for AA women and girls. Out of respect for her work regarding the Dunbar Village Atrocity and other matters, I gave Gina the benefit of the doubt for many years. Even though she has consistently minimized the physical danger presented by continuing to live in majority Black areas and continuing to socialize at majority-Black-oriented gatherings.

      From her comments, and from the pattern of the type of comments she refuses to publish (that readers have sent to me over the years), it’s clear that Gina wants to pretend that the atrocities she covers are only happening in the housing projects and other “official” slum areas.

      Well, the current situation in my home town of Chicago gives the lie to that. The steady drumbeat of killings are happening throughout Chicago’s AA neighborhoods, including the middle-class ones that have been invaded by pockets of Section 8 recipients. For years, I gave Gina the benefit of the doubt regarding the Fantasy Island image she wants to peddle that she refers to as “her” Black community. No more. That type of Fantasy Island-type denial is getting too many AA women and girls hurt and killed.

      I hope this answers your questions.

      Be Blessed,

      It’s an interesting dynamic: Since I’ve made efforts to exercise restraint and diplomacy over the years when dealing with other bloggers, some folks [I’m NOT saying that you’re doing this, SayWhat] expect me to do so forever. No matter what these other bloggers are doing.

      Umm, no . . .it doesn’t work that way. I believe in reciprocity and reciprocal interactions. The door swings both ways; and there are limits to everything. Gina has been publicly slagging BWE bloggers since around 2 years ago; and inviting her commenters to slag BWE bloggers and the BWE movement. And over the years since she started doing this, BWE bloggers mostly let Gina slide with that. Nobody’s under any obligation to continue giving her kid-gloves-handling.



      • truthp
        Jan 17, 2014 @ 22:19:41

        Everything you just said is true. Wow how could I forget. I wrote a few comments on different occasions that were not printed that went against her slandering BWE bloggers due to her misinterpretations of their messaging. I also don’t like that every time she does this black men who have an axe to grind with bwe bloggers but can’t get through to you all conveniently show up to run their mouths. Nobody gives AF about what they think. I have always felt that was wrong. I have always maintained that these disagreements shouldn’t have come to black women publicly belittling each other. I did not like it when she did it. I called her on it and had comments rejected.



      • SayWhat
        Jan 19, 2014 @ 06:38:55

        I get it, there is only so much that you can take, and we should never leave others open to attack. I know that on blogs I do feel supported when others chime in when I am being attacked, so I definitely can’t fault you for doing the same, it’s just that with so few blogs catering to bw and only bw, it would have been better if everyone would just agree to disagree, but after the link you posted, I can see that that shipped sailed a year ago.



      • Neecy
        Jan 23, 2014 @ 08:36:21


        It all makes sense now! Her issues with the BWE seems to be seeped in the fact that the message is to get healthy and lose weight so that( 1) you do not become another BW statistic with lots of co morbidities resulting from being fat (2) you can compete in the Dating and marriage market for the best men of any race.

        A lot of BW do not want to be told to lose weight despite knowing how unhealthy this lifestyle is for them. They are still holding onto the belief that BM love fat Black women as well.

        Not true. If you look at the more progressive *QUALITY* Black men out there (hell even the famous ghetto ones) how many do you see with fat Black women on their arms? NADA!

        The only BM checking for fat Black women are the lower class ones with not much going for them. As a man reaches better status in life be it financially, he seeks the better of women for partners. Women who are healthy and in shape do have a wider pool of men to choose from. That’s just a FACT no matter how many BW claim its not true.

        I am not SKINNY either. However, I am in good enough shape to know that there is a big difference between FAT and being curvy.

        A lot of these BW like Gina who proclaim how they love being fat truly are lazy and they also know the realities for them to date interracially are much lower than it would be for slimmer more healthy in shape BW. So they give up on the thought of IR and talk crap about how “Black families” are the way for BW because they know in the IR market there odds at finding quality men being fat and overweight is slim to none while there are still a small pool of BM who accept being with overweight BW. But even that pool is dwindling if they want to date attractive BM with lots of options.



        • Lacy alex
          Jan 23, 2014 @ 12:09:02

          Hell her odds of finding a quality black man is low too not just non black men. lol Championing obesity gets us no where! Getting healthy however leads to better self esteem/self worth and longevity.



        • neurochick
          Jan 23, 2014 @ 12:35:03

          What really gets me is that Gina herself really isn’t fat, at least wasn’t in the pictures I’ve seen of her. So for her to call herself “fat” is kind false advertising.



    • Neecy
      Jan 23, 2014 @ 08:28:02

      EXACTLY. I call these BW victims of Stockholme Syndrome. They are going to defend the BC, Black men despite all of the abuse and signs that tell them to run. Oh well. That’s them. But for the BW with enough brain matter to see the bigger picture? They are not falling for the okey doke anymore and NOT feeling guilty about it.



  18. Maya
    Jan 17, 2014 @ 18:29:07

    The red flag was when Gina said that she loves black families. This is why the pushback from her and her followers is so strong. Because if more black women leave black communities, no more black families to create with black women to be mammy mules there. Despite the fact that there will always be a portion of black men and women who prefer marrying each other. But they refuse to see that. And her also saying how if black women attempt to leave the black community, other races like white people will not accept them. I’m thinking, rich black men and non famous black men date or marry other races of women daily, and live in all types of communities, including affluent white neighborhoods.

    There are also right now – black women married to other races of men who live in safe and non violent multicultural neighborhoods. But we’re supposed to believe that if black women attempt to leave violent black communities that other races will shun them. And even if black men were helping to police their own communities, black women are still not required to stay. Because black women are not slaves to their people who must only associate with or live with their own race.

    I love black families too, even if I’m not married to a black man. I just don’t like dysfunctional black families that have teen pregnancy, high school dropout, kids joining gangs etc. Black women are not required to fix other people’s messy lives or take care of their 20/11 kids. Black women are also not required to spend their lives focusing on race wars between blacks and whites. Especially since the black community loves to ignore how many blacks have been killing and raping each other for decades. And white people are also not responsible for fixing black people’s messy lives. And yes neecy, these anti black women supporters never mention how black men need to do their share. Its always about black women staying and fixing everything alone.



    • Neecy
      Jan 23, 2014 @ 08:41:37

      @ MAYA,

      Completely agree. That is all that Back American woman mentality talking.

      Intelligent AA women are realizing that those scare tactics are not going to work on us because we get it.

      Black women and people go out into the world everyday amongst various races and cultures. Yes, not all of our experiences are the best in every situations, but many BW work and interact with other races and genders DAILY. So this idea that “OMG where are BW supposed to go, da White peeples gonna shun us” is just pathetic and sorry thinking on their parts. These BW are truly so far stuck in the matrix its not even funny.

      Black people since the civil rights era have been living amongst Whites and others for DECADES! Suddenly, BW are confused about where we are supposed to go and live when we leave Black constructs? Are they serious!

      It’s a big world out there and I would IMPLORE young BW with brain cells and a want and need to have the best life, to explore it and live in it and not relegate themselves to typical , violent non productive Black communities where BW are easy targets for a number of non healthy things.



  19. nugirl
    Jan 17, 2014 @ 18:54:42


    Neecy, love your site. Thank you for continuing the message.

    I am coming out of retirement from posting comments
    for this one. I have followed and gained from BWE since
    Black Women Blow The Trumpet. I am currently using and passing
    BWE wisdom to my young daughter. I also have followed
    WAOD and have gained some useful jewels there. I respect
    and am in gratitude to WAOD for bringing awareness to often
    tragic incidents involving black women (Dunbar Village). But
    soildering for BW after the fact is different then providing
    life optimizing messages before a BW becomes a victim. Both
    are needed, both serve a role and need not be in conflict with
    each other.

    I have even seen constructive contention between
    BWE pioneers and was able to witness how grown women who
    fundamentally have the same mission handle conflict with their
    big girl draws on. I have gained tremendous insite from this
    constructive contention between brilliant women who all want
    the best for black women. In the end it is all respect and we gain
    from having had the discussion.

    However, I have seen BW bloggers who I know have
    woven BWE messages into the fabric of their sites and
    have benefited greatly from doing so, cherry pick the message
    of BWE, then call the parts their not feelin “fuckery”. I have seen
    bloggers who have collaborated with BWE on tragic incidents like
    Dunbar Village, then allow their site’s comment section to be used
    to misrepresent BWE and back bite.

    Will I still read WAOD to keep me in the loop about BW issues, probably. She is good at what she does. But even in having a women who is good
    at what she does, does not mean we can take advice from them
    across the board. I even have women in my personal life who I love
    and respect but would never allow to give me advice on certain topics.
    Their own life and mindset just doesn’t communicate they are qualified.



    • Neecy
      Jan 23, 2014 @ 08:49:17

      HI NUGURL!!!

      Thank you for posting!

      You are right. Gina despite her recent cray cray antics, is a very intelligent woman. She has done some good work on her blog in terms of bringing forth the issues that are affecting young Black women.

      HOWEVER, I just realized that while she does an excellent job at addressing the issues young Black American women are facing in thier communities, she offers no REAL pro active solutions. IMO. And I just only noticed this, since her anti BWE fiasco.

      I have been reading Gina for about 3 years now. And I realize she really offers no pro active solutions to the young BW out there who are reading all of these atrocities. The real solution to stop these atrocities is for BW with the wherewithal and common sense to do so, LEAVE and remove themselves from these violent anti BW communities.

      But she never makes that suggestion. And when you look at the kinds of topics she covers affecting BW, any womanwith half a brain would not want to live amongst Black people who have shown a great lack of concern for its women and children in these places. They see that these are things that affect BW who live amongst Black people in Black constructs and environments. NOT BW living in diverse non Black areas.

      So its like in her mind, she brings up these atrocities fully knowing that these atrocities occur because Black people in the BC don’t really care about the issues affecting BW (because they have their heads so far up the asses of coddling BLACK MALES) that the only way for BW to save themselves and escape is to LEAVE!

      Instead, she now advocates for BW to stay and fix these problems themselves to make a better Black community. LMAO. Good luck with that!



  20. nugirl
    Jan 17, 2014 @ 18:55:48

    Sorry for the dicey format, typed this on an smartphone.



  21. LorMarie
    Jan 18, 2014 @ 16:34:25

    If I haven’t linked to this blog yet I definitely will. Trying to raise a dead black community will get us no where. I believe in tuning people out when they suggest that there is no where for black women to go. The fact is, black women have left and are continuing to do so.



  22. lunanoire
    Jan 19, 2014 @ 22:59:29

    I wonder if part of the divide is personal: people from happy black families and social circles want to think that they are the norm. I worry that defensiveness is getting in the way about being honest about the crumbling, almost dead black family. 80% OOW rates are horrible! Even if a small % of adults are causing these numbers, it still affects 80% of the CHILDREN, and therefore subsequent generations. Perhaps this is another example of privileged blindness. After all, it’s not easy to find a black-themed card on Father’s Day. The selection is quite limited for a reason.

    In addition, Gina has expressed satisfaction with being single, so she is not seeking to form a healthy nuclear family as part of a healthy extended family, so it can be easier to dismiss the challenges many BW have in trying to do so.



  23. Mitzi
    Jan 20, 2014 @ 08:50:06

    I think you may be on to something, lunanoire. I have always admired Gina’s work, but at the same I always felt uncomfortable by it because she reminds me of all the black women I know who advocate tirelessly to the bone with little to no rewards for their efforts. In the early days of Gina’s blog in 2008-2009, she literally became dangerously ill due to all her activism 24/7 with no help. I never thought Gina was BWE because her sacrificing lifestyle was anti-BWE.

    I found it very telling that a lot of the criticism by Gina and her readers was motivated by fear. Where are black women going to go if they leave their communities of origin and their families behind? That mentality is so common among African-Americans. Other ethnic groups have always taken calculated risk and moved away from home to broaden their horizons. I don’t think they really took the time to critically read what Khadijia wrote. She addressed the unique potential perils for African-American women who venture out. We don’t have the same safety nets, and that we need to deliberately build those nets in case things go south.

    Getting back to Gina, in terms of being single, I believe she wants to be partnered, but like so many educated, professional black women, she probably wants a black man, and the pickings are slim, so she may have resigned herself to being without a partner for the indefinite future. It’s this type of mentality that is so common among so many black women, and yet I can’t relate to it. I guess because I was never really attracted to black men, but I knew other black women who were attracted to black men, but they never thought black men were the only option.They dated non-black men as well.

    Gina wrote a latest blog post which I haven’t read yet. I think bwlivingwell’s comment over at WAOD touched a nerve, and it motivated Gina in creating this latest blog post.

    I’m not surprised at this latest blow up. It’s been coming for a couple of years now. A lot of tension and simmering brewing to the point it spilled over. The lines in the sand have now been drawn on all sides (BWE, BB&W, and WAOD).



    • Neecy
      Jan 23, 2014 @ 08:56:39


      WOW you hit everything on the head in this post.

      Gina is like many sister soldier BW who realize that no matter how much they go on and on about Black families and Black love and pointing out purple unicorn incidents of BM fighting for their female relatives, that its pretty much a wrap.

      They are still holding onto the Black family B/C of the 50’s and 60’s where YES Black constructs were progressive, healthy and full of solid Black families and communities. Where Black men stayed and raised their families and made sure their communities were not run over by young Black male terrorits who killing each other and creating violent unsafe communities who are also the products of single mothers.

      They are living in the past and hoping and praying they can somehow make a COMEBACK by believing it is really BLACK WOMEN who can make it like it was.

      LOL. How sad for them.

      Many AA women have a mentality rooted in FEAR. That is why they stay with BM exclusivley despite the obvious reasons why this is idiotic. This is why they come up with all kinds of excuses to stay in the B/C despite the obvious reasons why this is dangerous and not progressive for many BW.



  24. Brenda55
    Jan 20, 2014 @ 10:07:10

    “The lines in the sand have now been drawn on all sides (BWE, BB&W, and WAOD).”

    I would like to address this sentence right here.
    I post only as a long time reader of numerous black women blogs since 2007 and what follows is my personal opinion. I post in no other capacity.

    Lines in sand that can disappear easily with the next breeze or next rain. Do you really want to pin your well-being, time and resources on something so impermanent?

    Emotions run high because of what is at stake. We all know what is at stake.

    I would urge black women and those who care about them to step back from this ledge. Black women are not a monolith. We are unique and so are our lives. There is no one way or one path. There is only the path that is right for each individual black women. The path that is right for YOU.

    Drawing up and defending “lines in the sand” which, in the case of these blogs, are lines on a screen takes time and resources away from you having the life you want the way you want.

    Your lives are not in cyberspace but in the real world.
    Read. Participate. Critique. Learn. Critically Think. Plan. Take what you can use, toss the rest. Then create your personal best life. That is what is important.



  25. Mitzi
    Jan 20, 2014 @ 10:40:13

    Hi, Brenda. When I say lines drawn in the sand, I’m talking about the bloggers themselves, not their readers or lurkers. I suspect the bulk of bw read all of these blogs and have not chosen a side, or have taken what they wanted from each of them, which has been criticized by from BWE bloggers. The friction and factions that have been created has more to do with the blog creators who have expressed over the years their differences in philosophy. Most likely, they are most likely never going to reconcile because their train of thought differs too much.



    • Brenda55
      Jan 20, 2014 @ 11:12:54

      I understand and that is unfortunate.
      For this reader I am using what follows as my North Star when reading any content. That is the part I can personally control.

      “Your lives are not in cyberspace but in the real world.
      Read. Participate. Critique. Learn. Critically Think. Plan. Take what you can use, toss the rest. Then create your personal best life. That is what is important.”

      That sums it up for me.



  26. omerta327
    Jan 20, 2014 @ 17:28:49

    O/T, but since it’s Martin Luther King Jr. day, I thought I’d post this..

    It’s loooong, but it’s worth listening to. This is the speech he gave the night before he was assasinated. Eerily prophetic.


    BTW, if you ever want to learn how to give a great speech, he was the MAN.

    “If I had sneezed…”



  27. Formavitae
    Jan 21, 2014 @ 15:49:57

    I’m glad I found this article. I’ve been keeping up with the responses at WAOD. I responded to a couple of posts, but I don’t know if Gina will share them. So, I would like to post them here (if it’s okay with the blog host), to share my support of the BWE writers who have contributed so much to myself and others.

    I have included the comments along with my corresponding responses.


    “I used to read Khadija’s “Sojourner’s Passport” blog when it was active. (I learned about it from a post you wrote about it here.) I gave up on her blog–and her–when she did a post advocating the beating of one’s children.
    January 20, 2014 | RCR”


    @ RCR
    I would also like to know in which post Khadija advocated child abuse? It is common for people to have differences of opinion, as we all do not share the same life experiences. However, I have only known Khadija to offer sound advice, advocating for black women to do those things which will optimize their life outcomes and the outcomes of their children. I consider her to be VERY WISE, and I ALWAYS appreciate her contributions.
    January 20, 2014 | Formavitae
    In order to control spam, please type the characters you see in the box below, then click ‘Confirm Post’ to continue with this post.


    “The BWE crowd has the strongly held belief that white men will ultimately rescue black women from the evil black man. That they will abandon white women and put black women on a pedestal. This delusional fantasy is behind the call for black women to escape to whiter pastures. It borders on insanity. How any intelligent black woman can believe this is beyond me. But it is one of the fundamental beliefs of the BWE movement.
    January 19, 2014 | cc”


    As someone who has read and followed the writings of various “BWE” proponents, I have never known them to espouse such ideology (“that white men will ultimately rescue black women from the evil black man. That they will abandon white women and put black women on a pedestal.”). This is, IMO, a GROSS DISTORTION of the BWE message and BWE principles.
    Writers (such as Khadija, Evia, Faith, and Halima) DO NOT encourage BW to view/pursue WM as saviors from “the evil black man”. Rather, they encourage BW to recognize their equality as women, to pursue those opportunities which will afford them the love, support, and benefits they deserve, and to realize that THEY DO have options outside of those NARROWLY DEFINED margins established by society. BW are CONSTANTLY encouraged to feel that they do not have the same rights and options as non-BW, and these writers want to help those BW who have been hoodwinked to understand that is not the case. And, they offer real-life examples to help challenge self-deprecating paradigms. WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT?
    A BW has the right to select whatever type of partner she wants–black, white, or other. But, too many people want BW to believe their options are restricted and that their desirability as partners is marginal if existent. This works to the advantage of those who would seek to exploit BW or to usurp their potential opportunities. These women, PARTICULARLY KHADIJA, encourage BW to stop the madness and to claim and enforce the FULLNESS OF THEIR RIGHTS as equal, worthy women, and as HUMAN BEINGS.
    If you have not gathered this from their writings, you may want to re-read, or read more extensively, their works. OR, you may to bypass them altogether. But, I, as a woman who has benefited from the contributions of these ladies, cannot sit idly by in silence and observe them, their message, or their intent being defamed.
    January 20, 2014 | Formavitae
    In order to control spam, please type the characters you see in the box below, then click ‘Confirm Post’ to continue with this post.

    Privacy & Terms

    I like Gina, and I appreciate her advocacy for BW and girls. From my personal perspective, SHE DOES support BW exercising their rights as equal human beings. However, she has more of an AA-community centered approach and philosophy, which many BW share. It is what it is.

    I have girlfriends who strongly believe that BW and BM are doomed unless they stick together, because they have no one else for genuine support and caring. I personally believe BW should seek out alliances and love wherever they are able to find it, without worrying about the effects on so-called “Black love” and “Black community”, because BM have shown that these things are non-factors in their own pursuit of personal fulfillment and happiness. My friends understand how I feel. I understand how they feel. And, we agree to disagree. However, we all DO GENUINELY CARE about the plight of BW and children. We just accept our philosophical differences and move on, because we each must live with the consequences of our choices.



    • Neecy
      Jan 23, 2014 @ 09:08:26

      Hi FORMATIVE!!

      Thanks for your post!

      I agree that many BW are just going to have to agree to disagree.

      I have no interest in converting fear ridden BW to think progressively. Some BW just are not able to do that and are comfy with the way things are OR they aren’t really comfy with things but would rather put up with these things than explore other avenues for their lives. Such is life.

      But many of them as you said, use BWE as some sort of Interracial obsessed BW telling BW to escape to WM who will be our saviors. NOPE!

      Granted yes, there are some thirsty, desperate BEW out there who have been so shitted on by BM and people, that they actually do believe WM and non BM are their saviors.

      Sensible BW know better. We are able to be much more complex and say that it’s not simply about dating other races of men, RATHER opening your horizons so that you have a WIDER POOL of men to choose from.

      It simple math and common sense that these ant BWE just can’t seem to grasp. If you limit yourself to a small pool of men, you LIMIT yourself to the kinds of men you can get. If you widen and expand your pool of men you have much better chances of finding more men who meet your criteria. When you settle for a small pool of anything, you have to accept what swims in that pool even if it’s a lack of quality. If you want to expose yourself to a variety of fish in the ocean you have to move away from the small pond into the ocean.

      It’s not rocket science. Some BW play stupid just to play stupid. It’s a waste of time and energy trying to convince these kinds of BW of anything. I say let them stay where they are. They can’t handle the world that God created. They can only handle the Black “world” they helped to create.

      But for the BW who are able to think critically but may be truly confused about how to go about these things, that is where BWE bloggers and progressive BW bloggers come in to tell them they are not CRAZY and they do have plenty of alternatives to accepting the typical Black way of thinking and living if they so choose.



  28. Neecy
    Jan 21, 2014 @ 21:32:50

    Great comments everyone! I’ll be back tomorrow to respond to all of them – was a long weekend!



  29. Formavitae
    Jan 22, 2014 @ 05:26:26

    Thank you, for sharing my posts, Neecy.



  30. Mikey Tandino
    Jan 22, 2014 @ 05:50:37

    I have been reading this play out and the most jarring thing is that she is allowing all of the lies commenters are leaving to stand. It is completely dishonest and false of her to do so.

    I left her a comment which she didn’t post informing her that the tactic of referring to Khadija as a white man were the same tactics the early Internet Ike Turners said about Evia. They said she was a man and was making her entire life up.

    Its a cheap easy tactic to refer to someone who disagrees with you as a man. Its shocking and upsetting because Gina has been doing such good work.

    However, her focus lately has been less on BW living well and more on BW taking their precious time and energy fighting bmale and other low level useless dbr individuals. See the latest Nelly crap any BW with sense shouldn’t waste their time on. No need to call and send emails, simply stop buying the cereal and all of their products.

    And she for all the work she does still I think pines for a Black male mate and frames her narrative from that perspective. Thats all fine, just dont encourage impressionable young bw to throw their lives away.

    BW need to keep focusing on doing well and leave the entire useless BC and its stallwarths in their rearview.

    Dont become someones expose on how to live poorly.



    • Neecy
      Jan 23, 2014 @ 09:17:32

      Hey MIKEY!!

      Yes. I don’t know what the hell Gina has been eating and drinking but I think she has kinda gone off her rocker. LOL

      Claiming Khadija as a White man. Telling BW to fix corrupt Black communities and institutions themselves. Telling Black women to back off Supreme baby mommas such as Tanya Fields (who has 5 different kids by 5 different men and who went on Melissa Harris Perrys show to say that she should not be judged), Using purple unicorn incidents of Bm fighting for the safety of their Black female relatives. Telling BW its good to be FAT and happy. I can go on. WTH!?

      She’s too smart for the garabge she has been telling BW as of late. Maybe and HOPEFULLY its a passing phase. I won’t hold my breath though.



  31. Neecy
    Jan 23, 2014 @ 09:18:58

    Ok Phew! i responded to all.

    next post up?.

    “Oh but where will we go???!!”



  32. Maya
    Jan 23, 2014 @ 13:15:02

    Love your posts Neecy!!!! Especially when you call out the dysfunction among other black women.



  33. Trackback: #SHOW ME THE MONEY!!! | Not Your Girl Friday
  34. Robynne
    Jan 23, 2014 @ 17:45:13

    There isn’t any more to be added to this very good convo (thanks Neecy for providing a platform to counter the nonsense). All in all, the blogmistress and her followers insist on being intellectually dishonest in deliberately mis-characterizing the core tenets of BWE, because it doesn’t fit their let’s fix the BC theme. As many have pointed out, this is a useless endeavour when the other half is not interested or even invested in the results. BW, the world is your oyster. Using myself as an example, I left my home country for better opportunities in the United States. This does not mean that I have abandoned my identity or the core of who I am. I can still celebrate my heritage without being physically in the space from where it evolved. People have been doing this throughout the course of human history. Identity does not occupy a physical space – it is a mental space. Ask the Jews. This is another tactic to guilt BW into not leaving harmful, unreciprocal and toxic communities (physical spaces), where many would rather see her dead than thrive.



  35. Aurebesh Fan
    Jan 24, 2014 @ 16:47:27

    Hello Neecy,

    I’ve been longtime lurker that felt the need to come out of lurk mode to post my thoughts on the latest internet dustup. I don’t know what’s going on with Gina of WAOD. I thought about posting on her website, but after reading the responses from people here who tried to post on WAOD only to be blocked, I realize what I would have posted would have been blocked too. So I’m leaving it here. I’m anticipating this will be a long post, and will break it up into two separate postings.

    The issue I want to address on WAOD are the posters that said African American women can’t leave Blackistan for other communities. I’m on the same train of thought as AYY who posted both here and on WAOD. African American women are only 7% of the US population, and the entire 7% are not progressive. I wish the entire demographic was, but that isn’t the reality. Naturally we all don’t want to move to the same safe place. There’s lots of safe places to go to, not utopias because there is no utopia on Earth, but certainly communities that are open to decent AA women.

    It’s a ridiculous and completely false claim that AA women can’t leave Blackistan, since it is a reality for AA women who were ahead of the official BWE movement 20 plus years ago. These women are living the Dream. The Facebook page For Black Women Only is open to the public; and the Administrator(s) has a recent post about an African American woman by the name of Yvette Jarvis that immigrated to Greece in 1982. One of Ms. Jarvis’ accomplishments was being elected to public office in 2002. Anyone that is interested in the rest of Ms. Jarvis’ story can click over to FBWO page to read the whole post. The other recent posting that really speaks to me comes from Black Women in Europe official website. Their January 14, 2014 post focuses on African American expat to Sweden Gloria Dixon-Svärd. It’s a wonderful read and I encourage everyone to click over to BWIE. There’s something about the name Gloria. I learned about Gloria Ray Karlmark from Sojourner’s Passport. For those who are not familiar, Gloria Ray Karlmark was one of the original Little Rock Nine. She too immigrated to Sweden to find love, happiness, and a thriving career.

    It’s appalling to encourage Black women to stay in dangerous neighborhoods. I remember an essay Evia posted either last year or 2012 that talked a little bit about Black women who are currently serving time in prison because DBR men tried to savage them. You know Ms. Evia is all about not posting atrocities on her website, but every once in a while she’ll make an exception to wake Black women up to the reality that is Blackistan, and hopefully they get the message and take action to move to safer pastures. In fact her latest post has a small excerpt about some relatives she had cut out of her life because of DBR behaviors. It’s sad what one of her relatives is experiencing, but I bet it was no surprise because that type of depravity doesn’t come out of nowhere.



  36. Aurebesh Fan
    Jan 24, 2014 @ 16:51:44

    There’s one particular poster on WAOD that’s putting in a lot of effort to convince Black women not to leave Blackistan. They outright said that the only way African American women could ever hope to leave Blackistan in droves is to establish official refugee status with the UN, so they could seek asylum in other countries. Can you believe they actually wrote that!? The only thing I agree with the poster on is that it is a ridiculous notion, but it’s not even necessary for progressive Black women to seek such a resolution in order to escape Blackistan. In fact you don’t ever want to be a refugee. Khadija even has an essay about avoiding being a refugee. You can avoid the usual dismal fate of a refugee by tailoring yourself as the exotic foreigner. You’re supposed to have something of value to offer your new community, country, etc., and be appropriately recognized and compensated for it.

    If I what I’m about to post next is too much of a tangent, feel free to edit it out. Since the Winter Olympics is next month, I was watching some Figure Skating on YouTube, and as you know on the right side of the screen you’ll have other videos you can click on to watch. Well most of the videos were of other skating competitions, but there was a video for last year’s Gymnastics World Championship at Antwerp that I didn’t get a chance to watch. We have another African-American gymnast to be proud of by the name of Simone Biles who won the All Around Competition. I want to focus on her teammate McKayla Maroney, the one who infamously swinched up her face because she took home the silver instead of the gold during the 2012 Summer Olympics. Maroney’s coach, Arthur Akopyan, is a former Soviet Union coach that was able to immigrate to America and use his coaching ability to help Maroney be a world class vaulter. This is an example of someone avoiding being a refugee and using their skill set to support themselves and further their choice of career.

    Every African American woman is completely responsible for her own personal and professional development. You can avoid being a refugee by having something of value to offer, and make sure that wherever you go that you connect with the right people.

    Before I end my post, I would like to officially thank Khadija Nassir for all that she has done for BWE. I have greatly benefited from your online activism. And I also would like to say that I’m sorry for not coming to your defense when you were publicly attacked almost two years ago. Yes I’m a constant lurker, but I should have spoken up when it happened. For those of you who are currently watching on, if someone you respect is being publicly denigrated, you need to speak up. If you don’t want to leave a post on a public webpage that is addressing the controversy, like Neecy has provided here, then you need to at least send a private message to the person letting them know that you support them. That is all, may everyone have a successful year.



  37. Formavitae
    Jan 28, 2014 @ 11:48:10

    @ Neecy et. al

    I am having fatigue, on this issue.

    I have been SUPER BUSY with life, but I submitted my final responses to a couple of comments I read, yesterday. Again, if it is okay with you, I would like to post them here.


    “Blogmother comment – Nope, I’m pretty sure that when you say that a post about a black family rescuing their bloodied kidnapped daughter is sabotaging the BWE movement and that such families are exceptionally rare unicorns, you’re making an indictment of Black families in general- eliminating all the benefits and highlighting the flaws in the exclusive. ”


    @ Gina

    I get it.

    Khadija is concerned about concentrating on the experiences of the MAJORITY of black women and children (which is NOT intact, well-functioning NUCLEAR families).

    You want acknowledgement of your experiences and those who share your experience of WELL-FUNCTIONING nuclear families.

    There is not going to be a “meeting of the minds”, as it relates to focus or perspective. People just have to accept their differences and move on.




    At the heart of the BWE movement is the demonization of black men. ALL black men. This is why Christelyn felt comfortable calling on black women to stop bringing black boys into the world. She knew that her disgraceful suggestion would not generate shock, disbelief or outrage among her readers. Reactions that would have been entirely appropriate.
    January 23, 2014 | Unregistered Commentercc”

    Khadija tells black women that they should escape “Blackistan” with ONLY their daughters in tow. What about their sons? Well, they have to be left behind because white men will not welcome black women into their safe communities if they bring young black boys with them. Any black woman who is unable to see how utterly insane this “escape” strategy is probably needs professional help.
    January 26, 2014 | Unregistered Commentercc”


    I have been reading BWE writers, for years, now, and I have never seen any suggestion that BW need to abandon black boys or males because WM won’t accept them otherwise. As several writers see it (AND, I AGREE), BW and girls are under attack and unsupported. UNFORTUNATELY, this attack and lack of support heavily comes from those who are SUPPOSED to be our counterparts and fellow community members–BM. BWE writers encourage BW to invest and establish alliances and families with those who will support them, not exploit them, and have their best interests at heart–IRRESPECTIVE OF RACE.
    We each interpret things differently (and as we so desire). I, personally, am willing to share and engage ideas. However, I am not one for fruitless back and forth exchanges. I can accept that people have differences of opinion and that NOT ALL people are going to see eye to eye. Some people (myself included) are receptive to BWE messaging and philosophy. Others are not. This is true for all things.

    It is important that we invest our energies into those things which we value. And, I prefer not to try to reconcile things, once it’s been proven there can be no reconciliation.
    January 27, 2014 | Formavitae

    In order to control spam, please type the characters you see in the box below, then click ‘Confirm Post’ to continue with this post.

    Again, THANK YOU, Neecy, for providing this forum for exchange. I appreciate your responsiveness and look forward to the thoughts you will share in the future.



  38. 18andLegal
    Jun 23, 2014 @ 22:23:12

    I am first generation American of Jamaican immigrants. My parents divorced while I was young and I didn’t see my father often. I grew up in a nice, small town in the South and lived in a nice, diverse area. Although I didn’t grow up in the ghetto, I experienced colorism, rejection and being teased by African American males in high school because I am skinny, short (I am petite and young look in person) dark skin Black girl with natural hair. And many forces of racism ended up leaving me in low self esteem and feeling bad about my skin, hair and features. So I found Black Nationalism online and thought that it would ease all my problems. Needless to say, it didn’t.

    For a while, I have been interested in dating outside of my race but every time these African American males in my social circles on Facebook always discouraged me from dating non Black men. I never knew the reason why. And they also discouraged me from reading these blogs too. I didn’t know why they didn’t want me to date outside of my race and not read these blogs until recently.

    But slowly I realized how Black Nationalism is nothing more than Black Male Supremacy. Black Nationalist males, well many of them, only care about the interests and needs of African American males. I didn’t realize that until recently. These African American men want to practice White male patriarchy and use and abuse Black women and children. All the issues were about Black men being oppressed by this society and Black female sister soldiers and mammies/mules helping the ”oppressed” Black man. I didn’t realize it at first because they used the guise, ”Helping out” the ”community”(In my eyes, there is no such thing as a Black Community) to keep me in their struggle.

    But I had this Black male Nationalist betray me and try to make me look bad on Facebook and it made me think. Also many of these Black Nationalists were always sending me Facebook friend requests and stuff like that. They always gas lighted me whenever I expressed interested in dating outside of my race. And Black female mammies and sister soldiers joined in on the gas lighting too.

    I realize that these Black male misognists and Black sista soldiers don’t want Black women to consider dating outside of my race because they don’t care about me and want me to be happy. Secondly, these Black male misogynists don’t want to compete with non Black men for money and resources and to compete for the attention of attractive, well educated Black women. So they gaslight these women even the educated Black women to ”give a Brotha a chance” and date Black men exclusively to find your ”Black kang”. And this all proves detrimental to Black women’s emotional and mental psyche.

    Most of all, their gas lighting, betrayals and ways has been detrimental to my psyche. I used to wait for a ”Black Kang” regardless of my true desire to date outside of my race until a woman spoke some sense into me. She told me the whole truth. And from then on, I realized that I needed to leave Black Nationalism. Now I realize that I must get rid of these Afrocentrics from my Facebook page or delete them altogether. They give me a headache and are annoying.

    Sorry for the long story but that is my experience with gas lighting.



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