Its important that Black American women who are progressive and on the road to progressiveness realize that your self esteem has to be higher than normal. THATis the only way you will and can win in a hostile environment that constantly challenges the womanhood and humanity of Black women.
A lot of African American women have been left to their own devices when it comes to loving oneself and accepting your beauty and womanhood – especially in relationships. That is because there is no community, gender of the opposite sex, society etc., there to tell you that you are worthy and that your humanity as a woman matters.
This will be especially important for those BW looking to enter into the interracial dating market. There will be many tests that will put you in a position to come out winning or losing.
It amazes me that so many Grown Black women still do not get it, when it comes to looking out for your best interests in dating and mating – among other things. Black women have more reason to demand the best because people automatically assume you are not worthy of it. THUS why you have to demand and only deal in relationship that uplift you. Unlike Non BW who have plenty of people who actually enjoy treating them like women and protecting and defending them, BW do not have anyone but ourselves to do that.
Examples of when you as a Black woman have put yourself in a losing vs. winning position when it comes to dating – and specifically interracial dating:
— Your SO has not introduced you to family and friends:
I don’t get it. Why on earth would any woman LET ALONE a Black woman allow herself to be used and strung along in a “relationship” with a man of another race who has not valued you enough to introduce you to family and friends? Here is a general rule of thumb – If you are with someone in a committed relationship and they have not introduced you to family or friends by the 2nd or 3rd month (provided you are SERIOUSLY DATING) then that is a problem. If you stay any longer with a man that refuses to introduce you to his close friends and family YOU ARE LOSING.
— YOUR SO AVOIDS TALKING ABOUT RACE AND HOW IT WILL AFFECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP
I’m always leery of people who avoid discussions about race when they are in an IR. Especially one with a Black woman. We live in a very race conscious society where the effects from outside and society will have to be dealt with in any IR with a Black woman. This can simply mean asking your SO how his inner circle will feel about his relationship with you and HOW HE PLANS ON HANDLING any pushback from friends and family. IOW’s you need to know upfront if this person will cower down and say nothing if friends or family start insulting you based on your race, or if he will stand up for you when you are being pushed in a corner from friends and family when it comes to them disapproving of you because you are Black.
Will he be ashamed of you in public? Will he have anxiety when you get the stares? Will he walk proudly hand in hand with you regardless of what others say, do or think?
In essence it doesn’t matter really how anyone in his inner circle or outer circle feels about you (if its simply based on race), but it matters how the Non BLACK man in your life will defend and stand his ground if he truly care for you. If you stay in a relationship with a man who says and does nothing while friends and family insult you based on your race or who is clearly ashamed to be seen with you in a relationship – YOU ARE LOSING.
— YOU GET WITH A MAN WHO DOESN’T HAVE TO HAVE YOU
There is a site i visit frequently. Its called the Platinum girl celebrity blog and its written by a White woman who dishes her relationship advice on celebs. Her purpose is to use celebrities as examples for everyday women to see what to and what NOT to do when in relationships. Her purpose is to encourage women to always be a PLATINUM GIRL when it comes to love and relationships. She shares the close views of the women who wrote THE RULES and pretty much most of her advice is based on that.
If there is any one group of women who needs to follow THE RULES it is Black women. Black women for the most part have never been given any real solid advice on how to deal in relationships with men, thus why we see so many BW settling with men who simply use them, suck them dry and basically do nothing to show his love for you as women. Black women have been happily accepting the PLASTIC GIRL role when you should be aiming to be a PLATINUM GIRL that only deals with men who are emotionally available and willing to show their desire to bring their half to the table in a relationship.
The one thing I see consistently in her messaging is that a woman should only be with a man that HAS TO HAVE HER. The reasoning behind this is, because when a man has to have a woman, you are the apple of his eye and he wants the world and everyone to know it and he will go to great depths to show you why. No, this is not a man supplicating. There is a difference between a supplicating man and a man who simply has to have a woman and will do all the right things to keep her and stay in her good graces. You always want a man to be highly into you because nine times out of ten he will make the best long term partner for you, will protect and cherish you. This means that when your self esteem is tight and in check you will only attract men who actually appreciate that and not sociopaths looking to use and take without giving.
If you allow yourself to be with a man who doesn’t have to have you, is not reciprocating or bringing his half to the table – YOU ARE LOSING
— YOU HAVE INTIMACY BEFORE AN ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP
Sorry ladies I know we all have tingles and sometimes we meet men or guys we really want to have intimacy with. My advice to those BW who are looking for long-term serious relationships that will lead to something long term and meaningful (like marriage and kids) if you are dating, you best keep your legs closed until a solid relationship has been established. Often times what happens is men who may be looking for a warm body to occupy his sexual needs until he gets what he REALLY WANTS will go for the easiest targets. If you are a Black woman with low self esteem what better target is that? I have seen and read far too many stories of BW who are dumbfounded as to why they keep running into dead end relationships that go nowhere after intimacy has happened.
Until a man has proven his worth to you and has proven he is in it for the long haul, you should avoid intimacy. Any man who is simply looking for just sex and who doesn’t get it within a short time frame, will bounce if he realizes its not gonna happen – meaning he will not waste your time for very long if he sees you are serious about yourself and wanting a solid commitment before sex.
If you have early intimacy with men who have not proven themselves and you end up in dead end short term relationships b/c of it – YOU ARE LOSING.
— YOU KEEP WASTING TIME AND ENERGY ON MEN WHO ARENT INTO YOU
Of course not only Black women are guilty of this and all women can do this to themselves. But I’m specifically concerned with BW and how this can have a much more negative impact over the long haul when you do this.
In this anti BW society we live in today its verrry easy for a man to simply use a BW as a convince vs. seeing her as a real potential mate in the long term. This is why its important for BW to ONLY deal in relationships with men and people who have PROVEN to have your best interest.
I see so many BW constantly focusing on men who are not focusing on them. All the time and energy you waste wondering, justifying, contemplating, trying to figure out, etc why a man is not into you (due to being Black, dark skinned, etc), could be spent focusing on the attentions of men who are into you.
This especially applies to dark skinned BW. Darker hued BW spend more time complaining about men who don’t like them vs. the ones who would like them if they stopped crying over spilled and spoiled milk!
BW would do very well if they manage to figure out the types of men who are most attracted to them and focus your time and energy on THEM and not the ones who don’t want you.
If you find yourself constantly thinking, trying, crying, focusing on men who are not focusing on you – YOU ARE LOSING.
That should be a start for now. But I think the message is clear. When you are living in a world/society that easily thrusts you aside and treats you like a wet foodstamp simply BASED on race and gender, you have to be even more SERIOUS and PRO ACTIVE about only letting solid people with your best interest in mind in your life and keeping anything less out. Black women have to always be one step ahead unfortunately because of this. Of course there will be people who will try and tell you its the same for all women yada yada. ITS NOT. Any BW with eyes wide open realizes our daily plight as women is not nearly the same as Non Black women.