Don’t be that Black woman that STAYS LOSING

Its important that Black American women who are progressive and on the road to progressiveness realize that your self esteem has to be higher than normal. THATis the only way you will and can win in a hostile environment that constantly challenges the womanhood and humanity of Black women.

A lot of African American women have been left to their own devices when it comes to loving oneself and accepting your beauty and womanhood – especially in relationships. That is because there is no community, gender of the opposite sex, society etc., there to tell you that you are worthy and that your humanity as a woman matters.

This will be especially important for those BW looking to enter into the interracial dating market. There will be many tests that will put you in a position to come out winning or losing.

It amazes me that so many Grown Black women still do not get it, when it comes to looking out for your best interests in dating and mating – among other things. Black women have more reason to demand the best because people automatically assume you are not worthy of it. THUS why you have to demand and only deal in relationship that uplift you. Unlike Non BW who have plenty of people who actually enjoy treating them like women and protecting and defending them, BW do not have anyone but ourselves to do that.

Examples of when you as a Black woman have put yourself in a losing vs. winning position when it comes to dating – and specifically interracial dating:

— Your SO has not introduced you to family and friends:

I don’t get it. Why on earth would any woman LET ALONE a Black woman allow herself to be used and strung along in a “relationship” with a man of another race who has not valued you enough to introduce you to family and friends? Here is a general rule of thumb – If you are with someone in a committed relationship and they have not introduced you to family or friends by the 2nd or 3rd month (provided you are SERIOUSLY DATING) then that is a problem. If you stay any longer with a man that refuses to introduce you to  his close friends and family YOU ARE LOSING.

— YOUR SO AVOIDS TALKING ABOUT RACE AND HOW IT WILL AFFECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP

I’m always leery of people who avoid discussions about race when they are in an IR. Especially one with a Black woman. We live in a  very race conscious society where the effects from outside and society will have to be dealt with in any IR with a Black woman. This can simply mean asking your SO how his inner circle will feel about his relationship with you and HOW HE PLANS ON HANDLING any pushback from friends and family. IOW’s you need to know upfront if this person will cower down and say nothing if friends or family start insulting you based on your race, or if he will stand up for you when you are being pushed in a corner from friends and family when it comes to them disapproving of you because you are Black.

Will he be ashamed of you in public? Will he have anxiety when you get the stares? Will he walk proudly hand in hand with you regardless of what others say, do or think?

In essence it doesn’t matter really how anyone in his inner circle or outer circle feels about you (if its simply based on race), but it matters how the Non BLACK man in your life will defend and stand his ground if he truly care for you. If you stay in a relationship with a man who says and does nothing while friends and family insult you based on your race or who is clearly ashamed to be seen with you in a relationship – YOU ARE LOSING.

— YOU GET WITH A MAN WHO DOESN’T HAVE TO HAVE YOU

There is a site i visit frequently. Its called the Platinum girl celebrity blog and its written by a White woman who dishes her relationship advice on celebs. Her purpose is to use celebrities as examples for everyday women to see what to and what NOT to do when in relationships. Her purpose is to encourage women to always be a PLATINUM GIRL when it comes to love and relationships. She shares the close views of the women who wrote THE RULES and pretty much most of her advice is based on that.

If there is any one group of women who needs to follow THE RULES it is Black women. Black women for the most part have never been given any real solid advice on how to deal in relationships with men, thus why we see so many BW settling with  men who simply use them, suck them  dry and basically do nothing to show his love for you as women. Black women have been happily accepting the PLASTIC GIRL role when you should be aiming to be a PLATINUM GIRL that only deals with men who are emotionally available and willing to show their desire to bring their half to the table in a relationship.

The one thing I see consistently in her messaging is that a woman should only be with a man that HAS TO HAVE HER. The reasoning behind this is, because when a man has to have a woman, you are the apple of his eye and he wants the world and everyone to know it and he will go to great depths to show you why. No, this is not a man supplicating. There is a difference between a supplicating man and a man who simply has to have a woman and will do all the right things to keep her and stay in her good graces. You always want a man to be highly into you because nine times out of ten he will make the best long term partner for you, will protect and cherish you. This means that when your self esteem is tight and in check you will only attract men who actually appreciate that and not sociopaths looking to use and take without giving.

If you allow yourself to be with a man who doesn’t have to have you,  is not reciprocating or bringing his half to the table – YOU ARE LOSING

— YOU HAVE INTIMACY BEFORE AN ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP

Sorry ladies I know we all have tingles and sometimes we meet men or guys we really want to have intimacy with. My advice to those BW who are looking for long-term serious relationships that will lead to something long term and meaningful (like marriage and kids) if you are dating, you best keep your legs closed until a solid relationship has been established. Often times what happens is men who may be looking for a warm body to occupy his sexual needs until he gets what he  REALLY WANTS will go for the easiest targets. If you are a Black woman with low self esteem what better target is that? I have seen and read far too many stories of BW who are dumbfounded as to why they keep running into dead end relationships that go nowhere after intimacy has happened.

Until a man has proven his worth to you and has proven he is in it for the long haul, you should avoid intimacy. Any man who is simply looking for just sex and who doesn’t get it within a short time frame, will bounce if he realizes its not gonna happen – meaning he will not waste your time for very long if he sees you are serious about yourself and wanting a solid commitment before sex.

If you have early intimacy with men who have not proven themselves and you end up in dead end short term relationships b/c of it – YOU ARE LOSING.

— YOU KEEP WASTING TIME AND ENERGY ON MEN WHO ARENT INTO YOU

Of course not only Black women are guilty of this and all women can do this to themselves. But I’m specifically concerned with BW and how this can have a much more negative impact over the long haul when you do this.

In this anti BW society we live in today its verrry easy for a man to simply use a BW as a convince vs. seeing her as a real potential mate in the long term. This is why its important for BW to ONLY deal in relationships with men and people who have PROVEN to have your best interest.

I see so many BW constantly focusing on men who are not focusing  on them. All the time and energy you waste wondering, justifying, contemplating, trying to figure out, etc why a man is not into you (due to being Black, dark skinned, etc), could be spent focusing on the attentions of men who are into you.

This especially applies to dark skinned BW. Darker hued BW spend more time complaining about men who don’t like them vs. the ones who would like them if they stopped crying over spilled and spoiled milk!

BW would do very well if they manage to figure out the types of men who are most attracted to them and focus your time and energy on THEM and not the ones who don’t want you.

If you find yourself constantly thinking, trying, crying, focusing on men who are not focusing on you – YOU ARE LOSING.

That should be a start for now. But I think the message is clear. When you are living in a world/society that easily thrusts you aside and treats you like a wet foodstamp simply BASED on race and gender, you have to be even more SERIOUS and PRO ACTIVE about only letting solid people with your best interest in mind in your life and keeping anything less out. Black women have to always be one step ahead unfortunately because of this. Of course there will be people who will try and tell you its the same for all women yada yada. ITS NOT. Any BW with eyes wide open realizes our daily plight as women is not nearly the same as Non Black women.

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24 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Neecy
    Aug 10, 2014 @ 00:59:26

    On another site, there was some discussion about women approaching men. I feel BW should avoid this. I think that a man who has to have a woman will go after her. NOW, because so many Non Black men aren’t sure whether a BW is into dating interracially, there will be things a Black women should do to let him know she is interested. This does not mean literally going after a guy an asking him out.

    Just something says to me when this happens that the man did not have to have you and somewhere down the line he may actually meet a woman he has to have and will pursue himself. I also think that most men will rarely turn down a woman if she is halfway attractive, so you never really know if he would have approached you ever had you not made the first move. That doesn’t sit well with me. Especially since Black women need ONLY be with men who truly have to have you. You can’t really know that if you made the first move.

    That is why flirting and sutler ques can let a man know that it is sea for him to pursue – if he doesn’t pick up on the cues or doesn’t want to pick on the cues, at least you know he wasn’t that into you.

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    • KfromVA
      Aug 10, 2014 @ 11:24:55

      I do not like this whole “role reversal” of women asking out men and approaching men. As black women, we learn early that we can not do what other women do and be perceived the same way.
      I completely agree with the “have to have you” statement. Men value what they work for. If a man wants something he will find a way to get it, and nothing will stop him from pursuing it.
      If a man “has to have you”, waiting before intimacy isn’t a problem for him either, he will respect your boundaries. He is going to do what is required to “have” you.

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      • Neecy
        Aug 11, 2014 @ 16:32:46

        Exactly K!

        Black women consistently take on the role of men in relationships for so long (in Black community). All the things men should be doing Black women seem to feel the need to do.

        Progressive BW should never take the position that traditional BW have taken.

        As you stated men value what they have to work for. It’s time BW understand this and start putting themselves in positions to win in relationships.

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  2. Formavitae
    Aug 10, 2014 @ 12:45:41

    EXCELLENT POST, Neecy.

    VERY WISE. And, ITA.

    You’re giving excellent advice that many black women and girls need. Even those of us who were raised to “keep our legs shut” and focus on marriage and family often were not taught the practical aspects of interacting with men and formulating healthy relationships. I wish, hope, and pray that AAs start to see the need for and importance of PRACTICAL instruction on how to succeed in life and not just general, vague ideas/goals with no outlined steps for to achieve them.

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    • Neecy
      Aug 11, 2014 @ 16:41:00

      So true!

      The fCt is a lot of BW were not taught much practical advice on anything much less relationships.

      This is why BWE blogs and writers have been such a God Send to black women who internalize the healthy advice given.

      If we were our OOW rates would be lower because women would value themselves to not pro create with dead beat Cretans putting themselves and their children in poverty and losing situations.

      In fact I was visiting another BW site and read countless stories of many young BW whose mothers tried to sabotage them being successful and prospering in ways they didn’t gave the opportunities. That explains a lot as well as to why do many BW don’t always get it.

      A lot of these black mothers made bad decisions for themselves and don’t want to see their black daughters succeed. It’s almost the same as many sister soldiering BW trying to discourage progressive thinking BW from bettering their lives and stepping away from downtrodden community, thinking and behaviors.

      This is a problem blacks have had for centuries. Jealousy and envy of blacks who do not wish to be a crab in barrel.

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  3. neurochick
    Aug 11, 2014 @ 11:10:18

    I think this advice is brilliant: Creating boundaries, not being desperate and being patient. The most important thing a woman needs to learn about a man is how does he react to and in the world.

    Another criteria I have is, the man HAS to believe in therapy. If a man says that therapy is only for crazy people, that will be the last he’ll see of me. Why? Because life sometimes throws curve balls and you never know when you might need the help of an objective professional. Plus, I feel that the psyches of many AABW and BM have been terribly wounded by racism and that can cause many of us to engage in self defeating behaviors.

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    • Neecy
      Aug 11, 2014 @ 17:00:58

      ITA NEUROCHIK!

      I’m a firm believer in therapy. I’ve used it and won’t hesitate to use it anytime I need it.

      As you said too many people (especially black) don’t believe in therapy.

      I even attend church and have a strong faith in God and pray much, but I believe there are so many ways people can improve their thinking and mental health and therapy is best.

      I also like how you said its important to know how a man reacts to and in the world. This is duly important for a BW because I believe it takes a very special kind of man to love and be with a black woman in this world.

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  4. foosrock!
    Aug 11, 2014 @ 13:05:56

    Neeeeeeeecy, the pic!. Droooooooooooooooool!. Ich liebe liebe liebe dieses Foto!

    I’m still undecided about approaching a man vs not approaching. I think perhaps the key is knowing what you want and using all your feminine wiles to get it, while using your emotional intelligence to know when it’s not for you and exiting gracefully.

    This is also very apt: Works successfully for me in finding dates and a potential mate to retire with!.
    BW would do very well if they manage to figure out the types of men who are most attracted to them and focus your time and energy on THEM and not the ones who don’t want you.

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    • Neecy
      Aug 11, 2014 @ 17:10:08

      HEY FOOS!!!

      BTW I’m trying to decide on a European vacation next year. I may be in your parts 😉

      And I’m not saying a woman shouldn’t do ANYTHING to attract a man she likes, but I’m not sure about approaching mainly because you never know if the guy was into enough to make his move. That takes away the whole “have to have you” meme I believe in.

      But at them end of day every woman should do what is most comfy to her and what works for her. If approaching men work for done women I say more power to them!

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  5. Neecy
    Aug 11, 2014 @ 17:17:51

    @ PEANUT

    I removed comment just because I don’t want it to direct away from this post and comments.

    But I hear you 😉

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  6. Mike Street Station
    Aug 12, 2014 @ 07:22:00

    I agree with you on the whole delaying intimacy thing; “keeping your legs closed.” As a guy, we are just not going to value a woman as much if she gives it up too quick because the obvious question is, if it was that easy for me, it’s probably been that easy for every other guy she’s dated. That’s not the girl you want to show to your mom or your friends.

    I realize that we live in a world where we are not supposed to “slut shame,” but the simple truth is that no guy wants a slut as the mother of his children. Even if we are not allowed to say it, we still think it.

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    • Neecy
      Aug 13, 2014 @ 16:06:20

      Thank you for chiming in Mike. If I hear that term “slut shame” again by some women I’m going to scream! I cannot stand when women say this when you are trying to point out that women should hold themselves and their bodies to a higher standard than simply believing that sleeping around does not have consequences – be them emotionally, mentally and even sometimes physically.

      I don’t know a quality man that would want an “easy” woman as the wife and mother of his children. However, these days men are even settling and choosing low caliber women as wives and mothers so men take part of the blame here as well.

      While I’m all for a woman choosing what lifestyle is best for her, I am against women acting and pretending like that lifestyle of sleeping around casually doesn’t have some negative effects in many ways.

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      • HomesteadGlamourGurl
        Sep 04, 2014 @ 14:56:00

        I completely understand not wanting to wife an “easy” woman.

        Personally, I also cannot respect a man who will lay down with anything female. I want I guy with standards, who also appreciates the intimacy of the act, as well as the very real possible consequences.

        I can’t be with anyone dirty and reckless.

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  7. Sisterlocgirl
    Aug 12, 2014 @ 13:15:43

    Hi Neecy!
    I’ve just discovered your blog and just love it! This is an excellent post. ” The Rules ” should be required reading for any BW serious about finding a lasting relationship. I also would recommend finding and reading books, taking classes or watching women who are good at flirting. Flirting can be as simple as smiling, saying ” Good morning “, or being generally pleasant. Lose the ” mean mugs ” and simply smile at people. ITA with your assessment of investing time in men who are attracted to you. Don’t waste time on guys who think you’re a’right. The first step in dealing with men is finding & dealing with the guys who are starry eyed when you come around. I’m an old married chick now (10 years in January! ) but I NEVER dated a guy who didn’t think I was the most beautiful girl in the world. Start out the game at the 20 yard line, then see if you can make a touchdown. Why start in the parking lot nowhere near the field? My philosophy has always been take the path of least resistance. That way you can focus on the important things like character, integrity, honesty, loyalty, values, etc. it’s much easier to hone in on character flaws when you aren’t constantly trying to gain or keep a man’s attention. I would also recommend ” He’s Just not That Into You ” as well to avoid wasting time with guys who are stringing you along so you can recognize the behavior and move on quickly.

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    • Neecy
      Aug 13, 2014 @ 16:28:41

      Hey sisterlock girl!! I’m also a sisterlocked gal myself. Going through some rough path here but hopefully my hair will adapt.

      Anyway,

      Great post! And congrats on 10 years of marriage 🙂

      Flirting is definitely something that AA women are not used to doing mainly because in the black community black men are more assertive/aggressive and will approach and do everything even if you don’t show interest. Lol

      But for BW who want to mix and mingle with other races, we have to learn the fine art of flirting.

      I have to be honest I am not very good at flirting either. I don’t know if it’s because I’m shy or what. But I prefer to take the conversation route or have the guy do the approaching (I knwo I’m spoiled from dealing with Black men who typically are not shy when it comes to approaching women).

      Maybe I will do a post on the art of flirting for Black women. Hmmm,.

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  8. DiraD
    Aug 12, 2014 @ 13:35:36

    Here’s my two cents:

    1) Never accept behavior in your boyfriend that you will not in your husband. A wedding band will not better a man’s nefarious behavior. Women in my own family have made the mistake of thinking a ring will stop a man’s BS and my these female relatives ended up very hurt.

    2) Black women, we need to carry ourselves as a prize. When you see yourself as worthy of good things and good people, you tend to attract them. For years, I did not see myself as a prize, and I kept getting involved with toxic people and situations. Once I started seeing myself differently, I stopped being surrounded by toxic waste.

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    • Neecy
      Aug 13, 2014 @ 16:32:00

      Great points Dira!

      I truly believe that how you exude confidence (or lack thereof) and how you feel about yourself is how others will treat you.

      Too many BW buy into the idea that we are not valuable, worthy as women and that is furthest for the truth. Actually when Black women start carrying themselves as a prize as you suggested the tide will turn greatly! Why? Because negative people seem to fall by the wayside whe they see they cannot affect your self worth and esteem and eventually they move on and leave you alone.

      I’m a firm believer in faking it until you make it in this regard. The more you act as though you are a prize the more people will see and treat you as one.

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  9. Sarah_M
    Aug 19, 2014 @ 04:50:17

    HOW TO BE SUCCESSFUL AT INTERRACIAL DATING
    1) -http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-real-stuff-white-people-like/

    Copy winners’ dating profile( ie white & asian females). So in your profile, put the following words:
    -WW : nicholas sparks, flea markets, decorating, baking/cookbooks, getting dressed up
    -AW: romantic comedy, different cultures; foodie, cooking and baking, cookbooks; jolly, good heart;

    To sum up, according to their profiles
    -WW are : feminine (cook, get dressed up), read love books (nicholas sparks)
    -AW are: feminine (cook, jolly, good hearted), watch romantic movies and are open to different tastes (R&b, michael bublé, norah jones. So they can date beyond their own race just because they are open culturally
    -BW are: race conscious (the color purple, the bluest eye); Bible bashing (god fearing, god and family, god’s love, my church); they have issue (read “self help”, watch “tyler perry”!!!). There are some good items (soft rock, shopping, poetry) , but they are lost behind God and race themes.

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  10. Sarah_M
    Aug 19, 2014 @ 05:04:04

    So a BW interested in IRR should put the following in her profile:
    – different cultures
    -musical tastes that show cultural openness) : britney spears, gwen stefani, norah jones
    -films: steven spielberg or georges lucas
    – cooking/ baking/cookbooks, etc (no need to mention soul food. Please put a picture of you so that potential match can see u are not overweight),
    – books: romantic books, check Martha Stewart or Good Housekeeping for mainstream authors. Forget self help. No race struck books
    – soft rock
    -poetry
    -singing/karaoke
    -summer (if u have winters, focus on what u love)
    -jolly, good hearted
    -God has NOTHING to do on your online dating profile. If your church was that keen on helping u with ur lovelife, it’d have done like rabbis and created speed dating. Pray if u want, but don’t evangelize. Also remember, you can transmitt ur religious beliefs once u are a married mother. What influence does a spinster have?
    Last but not least, do not fear being “unequally yoked”. This verse is often twisted out of context. How did Esther do in the Bible? You can advance your faith even with an unbelieving man at your side. But a single woman has no power.

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  11. Sarah_M
    Aug 19, 2014 @ 05:11:02

    HOW TO BE SUCCESSFUL AT INTERRACIAL DATING
    2) Have multiple dates
    Which does not mean sleeping with them. It just mean flirts with many men.
    Do not put all your eggs in the same basket. Thus, you send no desperate vibe.
    Further reading: http://thefourmanplan.com/

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  12. Sarah_M
    Aug 19, 2014 @ 05:18:54

    HOW TO BE SUCCESSFUL AT INTERRACIAL DATING
    3) Be strategic
    http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/09/how-to-adapt-your-game-according-to.html

    4) Have a life beyond ur date (or fake it)
    People like what is rare, and men happen to be people. if u are too available, u soon get boring. But giving him tiny bits of ur time makes u the prize (until he puts a ring on it)
    Have friends call u when u are with ur beau. Do not put your life on hold for him.
    Volunteer
    Go to places, do exciting things by yourself/with friends
    Avoid this: http://www.platinumgirlcelebrityblog.com/2010/10/what-women-can-learn-from-jessica.html

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  13. Taila Krøyer
    Aug 23, 2014 @ 22:19:31

    I came across your blog today and I like it!

    I agree with most of what you’re saying. One thing I would disagree with is that I think it’s totally OK for a woman to go after a man.

    I do realize that there are some traditionalists out there who think that women who go after men are “aggressive” and “masculine”, which is a label that is (unfairly) stuck on us Black women. But I think it’s OK to use that weakness and turn it into a strength, like you would for a job interview. Just be true to yourself, and any man WILL see you for who you are. It is the 21st century, after all. People don’t like people who are fake.

    I’m married to a white, European guy. I didn’t try to “feminize” myself to a point where I’m indistinguishable from a white woman or an Aisan as far as my personality or appearance. (Why try to emulate a WW woman when a WM can just go out and GET a WW? Embrace diversity! We all like to say it, but how many of us actually mean it?)

    What I find disturbing about WW, particularly in Europe, is that a lot of them are (lacking a better phrase) “behaving like men”, and they’re trying to make the men more “feminine”. This is a HUGE problem in Scandinavia (where I’m living now), but you can’t talk about this issue without being called a misogynist. A lot of WM are repulsed by this behavior, so they’re the ones more likely to “marry out” than the WW and have a more successful marriage. That’s why I don’t think that trying to emulate a WW’s dating behavior is going to succeed in winning a man over.

    What attracted me to my husband is that I didn’t try to hide from my “blackness”. He could see that I wasn’t a woman who constantly needed to be “saved”, like his (white) ex-wife. I didn’t hide the fact that I like to watch sports, like to work out, like to go fishing, etc. I didn’t hide the fact that while I like to cook, I don’t like doing it every single day. In my younger years I tried to be more “feminine”, and it didn’t work because deep down I felt I wasn’t being true to myself, and I ended up being with guys who didn’t want anything to do with me.

    We may be totally different in our personalities and skin color, but we have enough in common to know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

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  14. Vanessa Taylor
    Sep 02, 2014 @ 22:21:46

    I am Vanessa Taylor, aka Platinum Girl. Thank you for such nice words, Neecy. Your site is lovely!

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  15. Vanessa Taylor
    Sep 02, 2014 @ 22:29:10

    I posted your info to my site as well. Please let me know if there is ever anything else I can do for you in the future.

    Like

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