Therapy is your friend!

Say it with me: THERAPY IS YOUR FRIEND!

 

LOL

 

In the previous discussion, Neurochik brought up a very important issue and point: Black women/people need to stop viewing therapy as the devil.

Like she mentioned, decades upon decades of racism, sexism, and many more things can and does have an effect on the psyche of Blacks – especially Black women since we bear the brunt of these issues with little to no support.

For many decades Black women have declared to be STRONG. This was a way for BW to take on everyone else burdens (including our own) and somehow believe we can come away unscathed with our sanity, health and mental and emotional state in tact.

NO!

THE STRONG BLACK WOMAN NEEDS TO GO THE WAY OF THE DINOSAUR – INTO EXTINCTION

I am glad to see more and more Black women walking away from that “STRONG BLACK WOMAN” title and recognizing that you can be a woman that has strength but that you are still a woman, human being and not an animal or machine that can take and everything and not be affected by it.

I do believe Black women possess a certain / special strength that most other races of  women don’t. That is because day to day and for centuries we have our humanity as women challenged based on the color of our skin – something that other races of women do not deal with.

In spite of, we keep moving and doing and making things happen the best way we can. We hold our heads high and understand that, that takes a lot of courage and strength.

I look at suicide stats and you would think with all the shit Black women put up with on the regular as a collective that our suicide numbers would be the highest. But its not! Black women are least of all groups to commit suicide. Groups who have privilege and such commit suicide in far greater numbers than Black women and I believe that says something to our strength and courage as women.

But that does not mean that BW do not “kill” or self destruct in so many other ways.

BLACK WOMEN LOVE PLAYING THE ROLE OF CAPTAIN SAVE A HO / BROTHER / AND ANYONE NEEDING BLACK WOMEN’S TIME, MONEY, ENERGY, RESOURCES

Basically being a MAMMY.

Being everyone’s backbone… ahem MAMMY with no support of your own – that alone will kill you inside, especially if you are not receiving that same kind of support back. When you allow others to continuously drain you from inside and outside, you leave yourself no room to live prosperous for yourself and to create boundaries for yourself. Its like anything goes.

Which leads me to the point of this post – THERAPY!

I was on another BW board and recognized from many posts from Black women, that the relationships with their mothers were / are very damaging.  Many also did not have fathers around to counterbalance anything so they have no healthy realities of what healthy relationships look like.

Mainly because their mothers have made the atypical bad decisions for their lives as Black women and feel their daughters also need to “suffer” and carry on those hard burdens that their mothers placed on themselves with making bad decision. Instead of these Black mothers encouraging and supporting their daughters to break the cycle and chain of dysfunction, they are emotionally unavailable, harass and harbor envy, hate and jealousy of their own Black daughters who appear to be moving in a more prosperous direction that they have.

Its truly sickening!

How does a person work through this? THERAPY!

This is why Progressive Black women need to understand that THERAPY is not evil, wrong or stupid or simply for the CRAZY or  rich people in Beverly Hills. ITs very helpful in helping a person put things in perspective. Yeah I know that church and religion are also great ways for Black women to deal with issues but its not the only thing you need to be utilizing to help yourself. The problem with BW and their religion/church is many BW do not really understand how to use that and other things to find peace and happiness.

Too many BW simply rely on church and God to make the moves for them. The reality is, you are to use the “word” and encouragements from the preacher to be PRO ACTIVE about making healthy choices for your life. God is not going to do everything for you. You have to meet him halfway and be pro active in making things happen for yourself.

I know a lot of BW these days are anti church and whatnot for obvious reasons. I’m not as long as you find a healthy place of worship and understand the church is not the be all end all of anything. I go to church and have a deep faith in God, but I am also not foolish like some BW who put all their eggs in the Church basket and alter.  I utilize everything to help myself – my religion, faith in God AND outside sources that are going to give me tangible ways to do well for myself.

DON’T ALWAYS BE ON THE RECEIVING END OF OTHER PEOPLE’S ISSUES

I remember a therapy session I had with my therapist, him telling me one day that it was not MY or any person’s job to be on the receiving end of family, friends or anyone’s constant problems.  At the time, I had a friend/co-worker who was having major problems in the job and who was not getting along with our boss. This person DAILY (and even multiple times a day) filled my ears with negativity because she was dealing with a lot and was stressed and depressed because of it. And because I was her friend AND because I worked wither and knew what was going on, she would constantly go on and on about how she hated the job, how she hated our boss, why the job is stupid, why we need to find something else, how the company was the devil and so on and on.

It started really affecting me and I started to believe I hated my job and found myself daily not being motivated. Although I was not dealing with the same problems she was dealing with. And the times I tried to take a positive approach, she would shoot that down. It started taking a toll on my emotional state.

Finally, after complaining about my job my therapist realized a lot of it stemmed from being on the phone daily  and around with this person and their negativity about the job, and he finally said  – enough is enough. That I had my own problems and issues to work through and constantly allowing another person’s negativity and problems become your own just further drags you down.

And he said, “she needs a THERAPIST! You are not to be taking on her problems.” And that is exactly what I told her after my session with him – that she needs to find and make an appointment with a therapist because I could no longer continue to listen to the negativity as it was affecting me. She needed to take a bigger step to help herself besides bitching and complaining all day everyday as it was not helping her emotionally.

And she did! She got on meds for her depression and went to therapy. Finally she found another job and is now realizing the grass aint greener! LOL

Had I not gone to therapy, i probably would have made a bad decision to leave and quit my job to go somewhere else with even more problems. But I didn’t and now I realize how blessed I am to have the job I have.

SO – friends and family who consistently want to pour and drop all of their burdens and issues in your ear all of the time is not what we are here for. There are professionals to deal with people and their problems. Do not allow yourself to be the constant receiving end of someone else and their problems. If they have that many issues they need to seek out a therapist who is trained to compartmentalize everyone’s issues.

When you are constantly listening to and helping tragic friends and family with their issue, that only adds to your own problems being ignored and now you are not only taking on your own issues and problem but you are also taking on OTHERS issues and problems which can eventually lead to emotional and mental breakdowns and depression.

This is something every BW needs to hear and understand. Its ok to want to help a friend and family in need. But if they are constantly using you as their “therapy” to dump all their problems on, its time for them to find a professional therapist who is trained to handle people with issues and help them work through it.

Black women have A LOT of things to work through daily and they are not always uplifting. This is why therapy is in order for a lot of us because it really does help to put things in perspective and gives you an opportunity to “dump” all your problems on a trained professional that can help you sort through things and make your life the best it can be.

SO, you have my permission to seek therapy at any time. It does not mean you are nuts or cray cray – it means you are human and every now and then need an emotional detox with a professional that is trained to help you through it.

Also, you may not find *that* therapist you click with on the he first go round. Some people have to go through multiple therapists before they find the one they feel most comfy with. That too is normal and ok. I got lucky because I got a referral from a friend. But if you don’t find a great therapist on the first go round, do not give up until you find that good therapist.

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15 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. omerta327
    Aug 12, 2014 @ 22:05:59

    I always knew you were a wack job… 😉

    Like

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  2. Neecy
    Aug 13, 2014 @ 16:33:35

    Lol! That’s right I put the CRAY in CRAZAY!!! 🙂

    How ya been?

    Like

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    • omerta327
      Aug 14, 2014 @ 22:11:20

      Been good. Went to the eye doctor a couple weeks ago and it turns out I have astigmatism. No eye doctor ever told me that before. So now I’m wearing glasses pretty much full-time. But that’s OK, I look good with em. 😉

      Like

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      • Neecy
        Aug 16, 2014 @ 09:23:22

        AWWW!! You know you can have laser surgery and won’t have to wear glasses or contacts?

        I like glasses on dudes. Glasses are not what they used to be when people called you “4 eyes”. LOL

        Like

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        • omerta327
          Aug 22, 2014 @ 13:55:40

          Nah, I’ll stick with the glasses. It’s way easier, less invasive.
          I’ve worn glasses before, but it was only when I felt like wearing them. Now my eyesight has got to the point where I have to wear them all the time in order to “retrain” my eyes, so to speak. But I like em, so I don’t mind at all.

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  3. foosrock!
    Aug 14, 2014 @ 13:45:37

    Neecy, you’re more than welcome to visit. Email me when you’re coming and where you will be. I will show you the BEST of times. You wouldn’t want to return!!! 😉

    I agree with this article. Have nothing else to add besides that therapy is a friend, the best of friends!.

    Cheers

    Like

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  4. Pumpkin
    Aug 14, 2014 @ 22:25:30

    “I do believe Black women possess a certain / special strength that most other races of women don’t. That is because day to day and for centuries we have our humanity as women challenged based on the color of our skin – something that other races of women do not deal with.”
    the us military was studying black women to see why we had such low suicide rates because white men have the highest.

    I also think part of being a content black woman is not going onto blogs that we know will lambast us. it doesn’t matter how much reason we present or how loud we defend ourselves, they won’t listen to us…or take us seriously, they’ll continue to degrade us the more we defend ourselves. it should be a man’s job to fight other men, namely on these blogs where white men lambast us, it should really be black men on the blogs who step up and defend us…the best way for us to defend ourselves to live well and be the best we personally can be, that’s the best form of defense.

    i say this because I have a habit of going on blogs and “soldiering” and going against men who debase bw, but its exhausting,stressful and it never does any good becuz they’ll just keep at it.

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  5. Eji
    Aug 15, 2014 @ 16:12:49

    Hiya. I havent been here in a while. I am glad I found the time today. one of my resolutions this year was to clean out my closet in ALL possible ways and one of the first things I did to start down that road was contact my insurance and had them pick me out a few therapists in my area. I kept it a secret though, didn’t tell anyone and begin to disappear for anout an hour every week. I wasn’t depressed, but a few months into theraphy, I realized that i understood myself better, could handle my ish better and felt like my head was way LESS compressed. I have definately grown as a person and I am a lil’ bit more of… something.
    Anyways, my point is the same as yours. that old “black folks dont need theraphy, we got Jesus and Oprah” really does need to go the way of the dinosaurs. We need to begin to heal ourselves, so that we can better ourselves.
    thanX 4 talking about this.

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    • Neecy
      Aug 16, 2014 @ 09:25:12

      EAXCTLY. There are some mess-up Black people out there who need serious help. Instead they are passing that cranes onto their children and its a vicious cycle.

      Im really only concerned with Black women who truly want to better their lives. Im afraid most Black people are beyond help at this point.

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  6. Shaylah
    Aug 15, 2014 @ 17:36:01

    Good to see you Neecy. I will be seeking therapy. To get off topic for a minute, those Black Women protesting in Ferguson, seek therapy! Better yet, leave that place all together. Black women do waaaaay too much self sacrificing for people who don’t give a d*** about you. They are bringing in the military and they are using machine guns. Khadija did an excellent post on this. I have stopped babysitting for my niece because all she wants to is use people. I am talking about her mother , not my 12 year niece. It feels good to do for Shaylah. I am going on the beach for the rest of the summer before fall sets in and I am picking up a part time job to help pay for my side hustle which I have not figured it out yet. (LOL)!
    I am glad to see you doing well Neecy and keep us posted on you new developments.

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    • Neecy
      Aug 16, 2014 @ 09:26:48

      Oh girl FERGUSON. LAWD! Whew them sistas are crazy. You wouldn’t catch me out their getting tear gassed and shot with rubber bulletts.

      As Khadija noted, Black men are the only race of men who actually look for their women to stand on the front lines and battle with them against police and police dogs.

      But at the end of the day if BW sign up for that mess, whose fault is it really?

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  7. ImAwake
    Aug 16, 2014 @ 09:27:33

    Thank you, as usually Neecy you’re spot on with this post. (Black women don’t need therapy, they just need God and BWE keeping it really) LOL

    Here’s my two cents.
    Therapy can really be your friend…
    A few years ago I ready an article written by Halle Berry that was published in
    Messence magazine and in she talks about how therapy was a life savior for her. I have to say, after reading that article I started thinking that psycho-therapy should be our new BFF and a tool that Black women needed in our bag of tricks

    Concerned about cost…
    If you’re in school take advantage of the student therapists/psych majors on campus. They need the hours and the services are free or greatly discounted. (even if you’re not a student, schools like USC, still offer counseling to the public and the fees are based on ability to pay)
    At work-look into EAP (employee assistance program) you usually get 3 free sessions for EACH issue. If you have benefits with your job therapy is usually covered, so use it.

    Stinking Thinking…
    Think of therapy/counseling as a way of improving your mental hygiene and removing the plaque from your brain/mind the same way a dentist does for your oral hygiene.

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  8. itsmeak
    Aug 22, 2014 @ 04:15:05

    Thank you Neecy for this post : ). A few years ago in the British magazine called Hello! Jerry Hall gave them an interview talking about her life after moving on from Mick Jagger and their messy divorce which lead her down a bumpy road emotionally because she realized that Mick would never stop his cheating and womanizing ways after a younger Brazilian woman became pregnant with his child.

    Jerry Hall said that she was and is always a happy and contented person in general who never got depressed about things but that she found that even after divorced she kept going over the results of her marriage and divorce in her head over and over which started to get her down and that she started speaking with all of her closest girlfriends about it and they were supportive and then she’d even talk to her kids sometimes about her feelings regarding her divorce. Then one day Jerry said she realized that she didn’t want to become self absorbed, burdensome and tiresome to her close friends and family and then she realized that she should probably seek out therapy for the first time in her life. She said in the interview that she already knew that she didn’t want to keep on visiting a therapist forever and ever with no end in sight and that she only wanted finally resolve her thoughts and feelings about Mick and her divorce and just finally put it all behind her. So Jerry found a good therapist who she saw consistently for several months and when she finally better and more settled about her divorce and could just move on easily from there she told her therapist that she was stopping and that she wouldn’t be coming back because she finally felt like her old self again and felt happier.

    For a while now, I haven’t followed celebrity culture at all and I certainly never follow the culture of these newer wave celebrities and these reality TV stars because it’s all so tiresome, saturated and tacky these days but Jerry Hall’s interview was in one of my mother’s old magazines and I’m glad that I read it because I took something useful from Jerry’s interview and maybe other black women can take something from it too. I know that a lot of people even way back in the day decades ago thought that all celebs and Hollywood types are and were all stupid with not even two brains among them especially if they were deemed to be ‘beautiful’ but even though I don’t follow Jerry what I have read about including that interview has so far seemed to be cool and not dumb (except for the whole ‘accepting the proposal of marriage to Mick of all people’ situation! LOL). I thought that Jerry would be just a stereotypical old school white Southern gal because she’s from small town Texas but when she was modeling in Paris when she was 18 Grace Jones was one of her roommates and Jerry didn’t run away screaming LOL and they’re still friends and in the late 70s and early 80s Iman was one of her closest friends who she always hung out with.

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