If you haven’t figured it out by now- I love me some CORNY CLICHE’S!!!

“The best defense is a good offense” is an adage that has been applied to many fields of endeavor, including games and military combat. Generally, the idea is that strong offensive action will preoccupy the opposition and ultimately hinder its ability to mount an opposing counterattack, leading to a strategic advantage.

If you can take your opponent out, before HE starts to consider taking YOU out, you don’t need any other defense… 

The quote is attributed to Clausewitz works ‘On War’, which is in turn based on the work of Sun Tzu and Mao tse Tung. In it he states that if party A does nothing but defend himself from party B then he will inevitably be worn down and defeated as the attacking party B is free to constantly regroup and attack endlessly. The only option to successfully defend against B is to go on the offensive and remove B’s attacking capabilities. 


When you take an offensive stance you are striking first.  You are pushing to get yourself in a winning position FIRST and forcing the opponent on the defense. Of course if you have a shitty offensive strategy, you will not win anything. More on that later….

But that’s the point. When you are in an offensive position, typically you have the advantage because you’ve already come up with enough tactics and strategies you feel will gain you the win. The person on defense is simply always in a RESPONDING position. Which means they cannot come up with any real tactics until after they have been attacked.

Think about it, when you have or when someone has been attacked, be it verbally or physically or emotionally, what happens? You are caught in THAT moment and are trying to figure out what to do next. Do you respond, walk away, fight back. Your head is spinning and trying to come up with the best tactic RIGHT AWAY to keep that person from attacking again.  While you are doing all of this thinking on how to counter attack, the person on the offense (who has attacked you) is already making their next move because they had time to plan and execute before you could think.

By that point, as the explanation above states, you are so busy fighting and responding, you have no time to create tactics, except in the heat of the moment of responding. While some great tactics and strategies may come from last minute preparation or heat of the moment epiphanies, that is not a safe nor comfortable way to try to win battles. You aways want to have a clear head being fully able to execute, think out your choices, options, strategies and tactics – FIRST.


If you look at games like Basketball and football even baseball, a team can have the best defense in the world. But if their offense cannot score and get points on the board THEY LOSE! Period. Points ultimately win the game.

In sports like basketball and football, if the offense on a particular team has done a superb job in scoring so many points above the opposing team (which is always the ultimate goal – to score as many points possible), that teams defense doesn’t have to extend as much energy trying to keep the opponents from scoring as the other losing teams defense would. All they have to do is work at keeping the other team from catching up.

However, if your offensive game is bad, your defense will be working overtime constantly trying to counter-attack and defend its position from the other team with a better offense and more scoring points on the board.


In essence how this relates to BW and their lives are, BW are constantly finding themselves in a defensive position and being worn down and defeated because they never have any scoring points on the board.  WHY? Their opponents on the offense STRUCK first and keep striking with tactics, strategies and techniques to keep BW on the responding defensive end, ultimately taking away the ability for BW to come up with their own strategies and techniques FIRST to be the one with the points on board.


Well since you mentioned it……NAH I’m just kidding. No! How a BW attacks on the offense is for example putting out various things that show your not buying what the haters are selling. That could be, being in the best physicals shape possible, not living up to stereotypes or negative expectations on BW, walking with your head held high. Having dignity and self respect. There are so many things BW can do to throw their opponents into defensive mode by simply being healthy, happy and loving yourself.


That is a popular saying that is often used by pastors in churches that I love and remind myself of when someone or something negative is trying to take me down.  Below I listed the things and entities who could be considered the BW’s opponents.

— Any person,  group, entity or thing that is constantly trying to keep your self esteem as low as possible.

— Any person, group, entity or thing that tries to convince you to do things against your own best interests as a BW.

— Any person, group, entity or thing, that realizes the only way they can keep winning is by keeping you DOWN and out.

— Any person, group, entity or thing, that has used shrewd tactics and strategies to gain your time, money and resources only to take them and dump your ass on the side of the road once they got what they needed.

— Any person, group, thing or entity, that wants to make you believe your lot in life is to serve others, be the caretaker for others, be a Captain – SAVE – A hoe, man, community etc., be the MAMMY, MULE, workhorse for others without reciprocation

— Any person, group, entity, or thing that tries to make you carry the burden of choices made by not just yourself but others as well

— Any person, group, entity, or thing that does not reciprocate or extend the same care, concern for you that you have done for them

__ Any person, group, entity, or thing trying to bamboozle you into accepting crappy images of yourself and womanhood to their own benefits and to your own collective demise

Shit, I can go on all day! I’ll stop there because you get thee point.

While BW are busy trying to counter-attack the opponents in defensive mode, Black women can never regroup and come up with strategies to win.



In order to be that BW that has a good offensive game, you have to… WAIT FOR IT…… get yourself out of situations and away from people, entities and things that detract from you strategizing and coming up with ways to get winning points on the board for yourself!!!!!

You need to be in healthy environments, around healthy people, and in stable situations that enable you to strategize with a clear head.

When you have done this, you have put any anti BW attackers on the defense. HOW? They see you have your head right and your shit together and their job now is to try to take that away from you. But once you have already “seen tha light” rarely is there ever any turning back! There aint nothing like a free Black woman. And there aint nothing SCARIER to anti BW haters than a free from everyone’s shackles Black woman! Its a beautiful thing THANG on this side and that is where a BW who has taken the offensive strategy STAYS.

And that is where your opponents will expend all their energies unsuccessfully because what they don’t know is, you done already created your laundry list of tactics and moves to keep you ahead of the game.

Your opponents on the defense cannot strategize EFFECTIVELY against you, because you keep hitting them first with winning tactics that are putting you ahead on the score board, leaving them left with counter-attacking and hoping for points from there.

When you are counter-attacking in any given situation, you are playing on the other teams/persons turf. You are not in a position to strategize effectively based on YOUR desires and needs. You are only coming up with ways to keep them from stomping you out of the game.

In essence, what I am saying is, when a Black woman is in defensive mode, you IMO have already begun to lose the battle. Looking around at the choices and decisions BW make these days, its the Tell Tale of what position we are in at the moment – and it aint the offensive position!


Keep in mind what I am listing is NOT an exhaustive list. There are so many more things that what I have listed that BW can and NEED to do. And you will find them, if you follow my advice above.

SO. Ways in which BW can be on the offensive end vs. defensive end of life are:

— Get out of toxic places, away from toxic people, and remove toxic things from your life. I know that’s hard sometimes, but the more you practice and master this, the better off you will be mentally, emotionally and even physically.

— Have a full on vetting process in line for every person you allow into your intimate space and life (men and women, not just for relationships and dating, but in general anyone who will be apart of your close circle of friends, etc). Anyone who doesn’t pass, get put at arms length and in many cases removed from your space completely

— Do not engage obvious detractors seeking keep you from moving towards the North Star

— Have a set of values and guidelines you play by for YOURSELF and life and seek like minded people who share those same values and guidelines

— Always acknowledge *SINCERE* allies who have done something in your favor and reciprocate in some way.

DO NOT ignore people, things, or entities that actually extend some kind of compassion or showing some sincere concern for your happiness. This is how you build a network of solid allies. Always seek to be reciprocated and always reciprocate to those who have extended themselves to you.

— Money talks, bullshit walks. 

Sowwy. Its true. Always try to put and keep yourself in a savvy financial winning situation, because people who have to depend on others to take care of them or help them constantly, put themselves in situations to be used and abused and to do things they may not want to do out of desperation.

For Black women as a COLLECTIVE, once we figure out how to make our finances work in OUR FAVOR as women, we can start demanding and getting the respect we deserve because MONEY talks.

—  Break the chains.

If you grew up in a toxic CRAY CRAY or dysfunctional environment, have CRAY CRAY mommas and daddies or family members, recognize that doesn’t have to be your existence as an adult. Too many people sit and use their childhoods as a crutch for how they live their lives as adults.

LET.IT.GO. Get help or therapy. But once you become an ADULT no matter what has happened to you as a child, it is YOUR responsibility to choose the life you want to live thereafter.

It is YOUR responsibility to improve your self esteem and the way you feel about yourself.  Because your abusers most likely have gone on with their shitty lives with very little regret about how they have done you.

When you keep claiming that others who have hurt you still run your emotional and mental or physical life, you still have placed all the power in their hands. Either take your power back and make the necessary steps and changes to own it, or just accept you are allowing yourself to be powerless and stop looking for pity!

— Recognize No one owes you anything.

If you have allowed yourself to sacrifice and be SUPER MAMMY for everyone and received nothing in return, then it was YOUR FAULT for not being on the offense and making sure that who you were sacrificing for has shown some kind of reciprocation before you made your second sacrifice. If you have sacrificed for someone who you know deep down had not earned that sacrifice in the  first place and they show they wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire? TOO BAD! Learn from that lesson and do not wash, rinse and repeat.

— Your self worth and validation as a BW should be controlled by YOU and you only! The minute you start placing your value and worth as a woman and BW into the hands of others, you’ve taken yourself out of offensive position to constantly be put on the defensive. WHY? Cause ain’t NO ONE, GROUP, ENTITY in these current times trying to put BW ahead of anything unless is for their greater benefit. Believe that! And when the chips fall and all the rah rahing you gave in support doesn’t pay off you are left once again LOSING and look dazed and confused confroosed.

I think the point is clear. When a Black woman is in offensive position and she has a good game plan for herself, her opponents will eventually be worn down with all the tactics and strategies you have set forth for yourself to win. Eventually they will die off and lose the battle because they cannot stop you or catch up with what you have already scored for yourself.



— The key to avoiding sociopaths and abusers? OFFENSE! Don’t be that woman trying to figure out how to leave and get out safely! I can tell you sociopaths and abusers avoid women with a high self worth and a strong vetting process. They disappear verrrry quickly once they realize you cannot be preyed upon or run through the ringer and most importantly – ABUSED.


12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ImAwake
    Sep 09, 2014 @ 22:31:34

    It could have been better but growing up in spite of parents’ divorce I had a pretty decent relationship with my father and his presence real and felt kept a lot of knuckle heads at bay while I was growing up.(it comes in handy even in my adult hood)

    If you remember the song In The Summertime, there is the a line “If her daddy’s rich, take her out for a meal. If her daddy’s poor, JUST DO AS YOU FEEL” WTH

    In a nutshell one offense — BW have to project that you HAVE A “Daddy” AND HE’S “RICH”.

    But of course the wisdom that orders my life comes from other women. So here’s my two cents.

    I remember growing up all women (regardless of race/ethnicity) said to me and my girlfriends keep our own money…just in case. Get an education .And don’t have a house full of kids. Being penniless and a house full of children can kept women in abusive situations.

    Trying to make sure I respect Ms. Neecy’s request, things have to get real (so excuse me)…but one way to stay on the offense I always put birth control in the hands of the man (my head count is low-Don’t judge me)(lol) I was explicit that I wouldn’t cut my body and I wasn’t putting any hormones in my body. So if he didn’t want to be a daddy…HE HAD TO ENSURE IT!! So with that being said NO GLOVE NO LOVE. It could never said I hoodwinked some man into fatherhood. Believe me you lay down the law he will step up or off. (No unplanned children or baby daddies-check)

    I have been working since I was sixteen and it took me over twenty years to finally have a true savings. (I would always start one but I would steal from it to pay my bills or buy a pair of shoes). so I would wind up comingling my funds). Then one day about nine years ago I was channel surfacing and heard a BW financial advisor on TBN say we are to be stewards over our finances and a good formula would be 50% of your check should go to bills; 30% towards fun stuff and 20% towards savings. It is doable and it WORKS. The 20% is separate from my retire fundS. Recently, I was unemployed for nine months and my life style didn’t suffer. No bragging just saying. Even now I’m taking care of two house hold but still can buy shoes without robbing my saving (I’ve been working my new part time job since June and i have 2K saved and my bills are current) (separate stash of cash-check) (By the way my new game plan, is planning for the crash now to avoid the rush)

    I got my education (check)

    Took martial arts class/self defense. and other stuff. (check and check)

    About 20 years ago, I remember there was a serial rapist terrorizing women in a Fl city but when the women started arming themselves the assaults took a nose dive, unfortunately, cases increased in the surrounding area where gun ownership was low. I’m not supporting anything I’m just reporting –that when people say that will NOT be victims, the bullies take note and look for new prey. Read about how men/pimps/predators identify their victims and do 180 degrees opposite.

    Don’t be a sitting duck, when you’re free to fly. Soar Ladies.



    • Neecy
      Sep 10, 2014 @ 11:02:27

      OMG I love your financial plan and I’m going to try it starting this paycheck!!!

      Thank you so much for that. I think that is a great way to manage your income in case of an emergency. I have some money set aside, but like you, I will dabble in it for things and I’m trying to stop doing that. I just want to keep adding to it.

      I definitely need to stick to a stricter budget because you just never know. I want at minimum a years worth of cushion in case anything happens.



    • Neecy
      Sep 10, 2014 @ 11:03:53

      And honestly it could not hurt BW to take some kind of self defense course or to get a carry and conceal license. I know that sounds major, but it’s not IMO such a bad idea these days.



  2. onthewaydown
    Sep 10, 2014 @ 16:31:31

    I love this post.

    I’m a total proponent of mentally arming yourself. If you make really mal-adaptive choices, especially in the realms of relationships, see a therapist. Seriously. One thing that changed. my. life. was finding a good therapist. (Now it took a while to find a good one, but once I found a good one, a lot of things clicked.)

    Therapy isn’t really just some pie-in-the-sky fluffy crap. Depending on where you go, you’ll get assignments that will help you with mindset and behavior shifts that will serve you a lot better. Plus, therapists are trained to notice certain things that you might not notice yourself.

    If you feel like you just need a little boost, I say you should read some books. Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend is an awesome book. I would recommend this if you feel really closed off, or if you feel like you are always making the right choices but are being “cheated” (I guess we’d call this mammying).

    If you find you are affected by the media, turn it off. I did this experiment where I pretty much stopped watching the news for a while and realized that my anxiety levels went way down. I think the same thing can apply to television shows, movies, blogs, etc. If there are anti-black woman sentiments (even in passing) in those media, you might be (without realizing it) eroding your self-esteem bit by bit.

    Another thing you can do is look up positive images of black womanhood. This really helped me when I first went natural years ago as a teenager. I didn’t think being natural was a big deal, but there were tons of people who thought that was a no-no and didn’t hesitate to tell me so. I armed myself by looking at pictures of lovely natural hair in various lengths and styles. And soon, natural wasn’t a big deal to me. (Interesting that natural hair is a lot more popular now, by the way. I love it.)

    If you’ve heard that “black women are ugly,” look for images of beautiful black women (there are many). Look for articles of black women making strides in business, education, etc. Read Evia’s blog and see all the high-profile (and everyday) black women getting married. And so on and so forth.

    You might find for the first few days that you feel empty without looking at the negative media. Maybe it was like McDonald’s to you–complete junk but you crave it after a while of continuous consumption. Ride it out–you’ll soon find lots of positive things to replace your old media with.



    • onthewaydown
      Sep 10, 2014 @ 16:38:51

      I had another comment, but then I realized I could write a series of blog posts on this subject. I’m not trying to take over your blog, but I’m just really excited about this post!



    • Neecy
      Sep 10, 2014 @ 23:17:59


      Yes I know I struggle with the media thing. On one hand I feel we need to be very aware of what’s happening to us as Black women but on the other hand we all know the media is not.our.friend. And it can be disheartening.

      And feel free to post as much as you wish. This is the place to do just that 😉



  3. omerta327
    Sep 10, 2014 @ 18:07:43

    “… walking with your head held high. Having dignity and self respect. There are so many things BW can do to throw their opponents into defensive mode by simply being healthy, happy and loving yourself.”

    That’s the key right there. And not just for BW, but for anyone.

    Also, surprising to see a reference to Art Of War on this blog.I didn’t know you were so philosophical, Neece. 😉



  4. ImAwake
    Sep 10, 2014 @ 21:51:06

    “I didn’t know you were so philosophical, Neece. 😉 ”

    Then someone hasn’t been paying attention. lol

    Ms. Neecy I would love see us all reduce our bills including rent/mortgage to 50% of our earnings. Living within ones budget is very liberating, calming and stops us from placing ourselves in vulnerable positions due to money constraints.



  5. Chongo
    Sep 11, 2014 @ 22:12:05

    Great post!

    “When a Black woman is in offensive position and she has a good game plan for herself, her opponents will eventually be worn down with all the tactics and strategies you have set forth for yourself to win. Eventually they will die off and lose the battle because they cannot stop you or catch up with what you have already scored for yourself.”

    Love that!



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: