RANDOM THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY – When BW are “good for the struggle and NOT the celebration”

Pretty powerful words spoken from a commenter on a site I went to.

There have been a lot of things DAWNING on me lately. To many to cover in one post. So I may have a string of random thought posts this week.

First up –

THE IMPORTANCE FOR PROGRESSIVE BW TO PROTECT THEIR INTERESTS IN LOVE

Its utterly important for BW to realize that when you marry or exclusively date a man who has not yet hit his stride, you run the risk of being kicked aside once he has made it.

This is *NOT* a race issue as it happens and can happen to all women in relationships early on with men who are still in the process of making a name for himself and careers.

Understandably, its not out of the question that a woman who loves her guy will accept his invitation to marriage if she sees he has ambition, works hard and loves her. Understandably, you as a wife will want to help and support your husband in his quest and ambitions as marriage tells us to stick with and by our partner through thick and thin. Of course you do this because you love him and see that eventually all your hard work and support will pay off for you and your children later.

UNFORTUNATELY, a lot of men do not stick to that rule of thumb or vow once they make it. Yes even if they have small children, they often can and will leave their “starter” wives and baby mommas to “greener” pastures. And most of the greener pastures are women who refused to be a starter woman – for better or worse.

The wife who stood by, sacrificed and went without while her husband was on his way to the top and had to struggle on the way there, gets left in the cold and has to watch as he bestows all of his “spoils” from success on his new younger, or prettier or just more savvy g/f and future wife.

Black women – PROGRESSIVE BW especially need to understand this phenomenon clearly, as to better protect yourself and interests.

The time has passed for BW constantly taking the high road and to stop  repeating that nonsense that men who need someone to help them while “he has nothing” and struggles. Its proven to be a strategy that only and ONLY benefits the men and their future trophy wives later. Then when these same men make it,they leave for women who they *REALLY* feel are worthy of the rewards and celebration that comes with his new found success.

Don’t be that BW who stays loosing! 😉

One thing that kinda stirred up this notion in me has been several things over the years. The most recent being Kevin Shart Hart.

KEVIN HART SHART ; The Cautionary Tale for the unambiguous Black woman.

So what has Kevin Hart Shart have to do with is.

Well I won’t post all the unfortunate but COMMON comments Black men like him have made publicly about BW (you can go here  http://bougieblackgirl.com/kevin-hart-telling-black-women-will-dis-everyone-else-limits-going/ and read Bougie Black girls coverage of things he has said).

Instead, I want to focus on pointing out the cautionary tale for Black women who are the “starter struggle sidekick sista” and then later cast aside and humiliated once your Black King has garnered enough financial success & popularity and “upgrades” to a more “acceptable” Black woman – you know those “BLACK” women in which the first question that comes to your mind is “what exactly is she mixed with?”. That’s if you are lucky! Many times the woman is simply not even of color. LOL

I want to focus on Torrie Hart, Kevin’s now ex-wife who is speaking out about what she has gone through since being dumped and left/divorced by Kevin Hart.

Torrei+Hart+Long+Hairstyles+Dreadlocks+HLK81fNEAXjl tao afterparty 2112

Torrie Hart by all accounts is a Black woman. She is not mixed looking but your regular cute run of the mill atypical looking Black girl. She and Kevin Hart dated and married very young. Yes that means she was with and married to him and had kids by him when he wasn’t shit but a midget with a dream.

But the point I wish to make in this is, how she was treated and dumped after he gained success (and openly admitted to cheating on her in the marriage) and how BW still support this Kneegrow and sponsor his new  mixed “rib” (yes this is the reference he gives to his new trophy – lol) is just another cautionary tale for progressive non mixed BW who have some small hope that one day you will be given your rightful place in the hearts and minds of the Black community and Black men for all your love, loyalty, and struggle.

KEEP DREAMIN!

Your sisters who even look like you would much rather sponsor and rah rah on these kneegrows twitter and Instagram pages and salivate at the life that same kneegrow gives to his newly UPGRADED “Black” woman; something that many of the BW who support them know will never be reserved for them.

It’s really sad to watch.  But what’s even worse is the lack of support given to the Black woman who looks like you and did all the typical things BW are told to do for her man, people etc., and when she expresses NORMAL HUMAN feelings like being hurt and feeling humiliated and betrayed once he makes it and kicks her aside like last years hardened dog poop, all that’s left for her is ;

—“get over it hater!” 

—“you just mad because he moved on with his life” 

— “stop trying to throw shade at him for being successful now cause you aint reaping the benefits” 

etc.

Once again, by her own people and women who LOOK LIKE HER, the unambiguous BW is told to just STFU, GET OVER IT, MOVE ON and FORGET about all the things she sacrificed all in the name of not being called a hater and bitter. Torrie was not his BABY MOMMA. She was his legal wife and mother of his children who was with him and worked with him while he was a struggling comedian and actor.

Meanwhile the home wrecking mixed mistress (now fiancé)

Eniko+Parrish+ZdhYgK8ORvem 468859523

is getting all the love and likes and

“ooh y’all make a beautiful couple” “babies soon please!” “damn girl you killing it” “nevermind them haters boo you are beautiful and fabulous” “what an amazing couple you are, Kevin looks really happy”.

LOL

STAND BY YOUR MAN GIRL! 

Kanye West Pest basically told y’all directly in a song, what he and other Black men are going to do after you struggle with them and once they make it he “leaves your ass for a White girl”. LOL BW loooove them some Kanye and Kim too. HA!

I can’t make this shit up. Thats the sad part.

Anyway.

Torrie like MOST in the dark BW, believe that a life of servitude, loyalty, and “standing by and helping your man” while he is trying to make it, is something honorable that will garner great results later once he makes it. Many BW believe that if they start off as the struggle sidekick to their Black men, that he will reward her for her sacrifice and struggles with him later.

Uhm. NO.

***Let me make a quick note here. This happens with all races of men, so do not think if you are a BW who dates interracially, that you will escape this phenomenon! You won’t unless you choose wisely and marry and date men who are already established and have options but HAD TO HAVE YOU*****

Progressive BW like myself see the writing on the wall.

This happens with other races of women to who get traded off for a younger or prettier woman. But its a bit more unique for BW, since BW often are raised and reared to believe that these actions will pay off later. And rarely do they.

This is why BW cannot afford to settle for the role of starter sidekick. Get yourself a man  that is already ESTABLISHED is my message. BW never win in the game of being the one that sacrificed and struggled with their up and coming ambitious men.

A progressive BW will find a man that is already set so that she knows and feels confident that he chose you when he had OPTIONS and not when no one wanted him because he didn’t have anything. Because men and women know this – all of these trophy wives and girlfriends would never marry, date or screw half these men when they had nothing and were struggling.

BW can take the high road and keep saying how it aint right, but other races of women have no shame in raising their daughters to GET THEMSELVES  in whatever position (i.e. living stress and carefree, taking care of her physical self ONLY, staying in top physical shape, and definitely not being mammies for their communities and men) to attract the men who are already established and who can give her a good care free life.

Of course I am NOT saying BW should not have their own and not have ambitions of their own and not be successful in their own right. But you can walk and chew gum at the same time sweetie!

Back to the Hart’s.

Miss Torrie Hart has unfortunately learned this in the most painful way. Not only was her divorce from Kevin Shart PUBLIC, but he has publicly humiliated her and gone into details of why he divorced and left her.  And then, and *THEN*  after sticking with him, busting her ass for him when he was just a  midget with a dream and no car, she settled for $175K for the divorce. You read right. ONE HUNDRED and SEVENTY FIVE THOUSAND! His new “ribs” ring looks like it cost infinity of what she Torrie the ex wife received in the divorce settlement – and the “rib”  didn’t do anything to help his career! LOL

This Kneegrow at the time was worth 9 million buckaroos when he gladly let his ex wife walk out the courtroom after a long battle for $175K! NO. There was no pre nup like his stans are trying to say. How can there be a pre nup when you didn’t have shit when you married your wife and she was the one working and shuffling money to you &  letting you drive *HER* car (yes she admits all of this when he was working towards his come up and career)?

GIRL,BOY,  –  BYE!

That is what she got for her role as the struggling, sidekick sista wifey for all those years she stood OVER his midget ass! She has two small children with him and receives $20k a month for them. But what a slap in the freakin face 9 million dollar man whose wife helped him get there and she gets a whopping – 175k!?

2ee3f-churchladyfaint

Woo! JESUS BE A FENCE!  LMAO.

Then she says “he paid for my BDAY yacht party” as a way to downplay how wrrrrong he did her in the divorce? LOL  FORREALS TORRIE???? Come on Torrie!

This situation is very similar to how Steve Harvey did his first wife who also got screwed in divorce proceedings as he went on to marry a younger light skinned BW.

I want to re-emphasie a comment I just noted above. A commenter on the site where this was being discussed said this:

“……..Unfortunately we Black women *HAVE TO ACCEPT* we are only good for the struggle but not the celebration, when it comes to Black men making it.”

WOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!

Where do I start. Ok. That comment was RIGHT in its premise. But it was wrong in its inference that “unfortunately BW  have to ACCEPT”. UHM. NO. BW don’t have to accept anything. What BW need to learn is to stop DOING THE SHIT if you are not receiving anything from it! I mean damn! How hard of a concept is it for BW to just simply take all your energy, money and put it into making YOURDAMNSELF fabulous in every way possible and stop footing the bill early on to pay off the new trophies lifestyle that you were working with your man together for?

THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT – NOW EXIT STAGE LEFT BAE 😉

This is the thanks BW get for sticking by and standing by Black men.

This man has a dark brown-skinned UNDENIABLY Black daughter, yet still felt no sense of shame or disgust making comments about dark Black women:

http://bougieblackgirl.com/kevin-hart-telling-black-women-will-dis-everyone-else-limits-going/

This coming from a man who totes around his new “RIB” (as he calls her) who does nothing that we know of other than post Instagram selfies of herself vacationing, traveling and hanging out with him everywhere he goes and bringing along with her, her  other ambiguously Black looking g/f’s who are enjoying her new come up. LOL

In many of her pics, you will not find any “real” looking BW unless its his daughter, sister or momma. LOL

Isn’t it funny how the things BM accuse BW of (not wanting to be with them when they are broke nobodies) are the very things they are willing to accept from their “trophies” who they know wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire when hey didn’t have anything? LOL

Black Women Embracing the ambiguous BW and NON BW that BM step over BW to get, while throwing their sisters “in the struggle” under the bus.

The saddest part of all? Black women just lob dem some of these BM’s new acquired prizes! LOL

If you go onto comments pages of the likes of Kim Kardashian, Racheal Roy (who once she made it dumped her thug hubby after he lost everything lol) Evelyn Lozada (who is now marrying a wealthy baseball player), Eniko Parrish (Kevin’s new fiancé”) and whoever the newest mixed or non BW prize is on the famous BM’s arms, all you will see is praise and worship from BW.

I remember what Ushers unambiguous wife Tamika Foster went through when they got together. You would think BW would relish in the fact that he married a BLACK LOOKING woman. But no, she received all kinds of hate and shade and suspicion for being with Usher. Rarely have I seen this kind of hate directed at the Mixed and Non Black “prizes” of BM from BW.

And that is when it finally dawned on me today after reading the comments on Eniko’s Instagram page that BW have a serious problem and thus why we will stay loosing as a collective. Because we are our own greatest enemy.

In typical fashion, there are more comments posting about how this mixed home wrecker and her life is amazing, how beautiful she is and how she should ignore the haters. One Black woman even went so far as to braggingly post (under one of her bikini selfies) that she, Eniko,  was “KILLING TORRIE”.

These are BLACK WOMEN and other races, but my focus is on BLACK WOMEN and girls.

This is not the first time I have seen this. Black women love them some Evelyn Lozada, Draya Michelle Kim Kardashian, Rachael Roy etc. And when I look at these women pages, I see them celebrating with all their *CLOSE* friends who you guessed are not regular looking BW, but women who look like them!

Most mixed and Non Black or ambiguously Black looking women, love the benefits they receive in the Black community  being able to freely snag successful wealthy BM and have their little doormat Black women support them and further their careers.

DO you think BW in great numbers would receive that kind of praise and love in other races if the women were CONSTANTLY bypassed and stepped over for BW? HELL NO! Only BW like contributing to their own downfall.

While Eniko (lol doesn’t get any less Black than that) has close to 1 million Instagram followers  – many of which consist of Black women and girls (based on looking at the comments), Miss Torrie who is on a VH1 show and is the wronged BW has just grazed the 100k mark.

It dawned on me today, that little undeniably Black girls are in deep doo doo. They are alone and in their loneliness, cling to the very image and women who are receiving all the courtesy, considerations, concessions and cooperation (term coined by Halima of BW’s interracial dating circle – and I am adding another C term – CELEBRATION), they know they will never receive from the very men they prop up, support and stand by,  to only to be  kicked to the curb once the struggle is over and its time for the celebration.

THE SOLUTION? – REAL SIMPLE

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Do what the mixed and Non BW are doing – not being a mammy! (none of the above pics of these gorgeous fun carefree looking BW represents struggle or mamboing does it? GET FABULOUS!. Don’t Give a shit about being called a gold digger, work on improving your physical self the best possible way, spend only your time and energy working on YOU and surround yourself with other fabulous BW like yourself, be more selfish, and you too may one day be the woman that the already established man has to have and bestow everything he has to give upon you because he sees you as a PRIZE and not a struggling starter sidekick to his future success.

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126 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. APA
    Sep 16, 2014 @ 05:11:15

    Great post!

    Yeah, I have always wondered what BW or women in general can do to make sure that they get their dues after marrying and struggling with their husbands only to get kicked to the curb. I agree that BW should look for better options and work on improving themselves, so that they can have access to better options for marriage and long-term relationships. However, I notice that a lot of BW, who were married to high-profile men tend to get shafted in the divorce proceedings, regardless of the color of the man who they married. Non-BW in similar situations end up getting alimony or lump sums that set them up at least a few years after the divorce if not for life, and I don’t think that it is because the men they married are so much nicer. No man is going to freely give away a considerable portion of their wealth in a divorce unless the court compels him to. I’m not talking about child support payments. I’m talking about money that the judge specifically said that you are entitled to due to your contributions and long suffering in the marriage.

    On many BWE blogs, BW are encouraged to marry early. While a man may have potential in his 20s (e.g. good family, great degree, in professional school, starting a potentially lucrative career, etc.), he hasn’t hit his stride yet. The big bucks start rolling in during the late 20s/early 30s and onward, which is when women start to enjoy the benefits of picking good husbands (e.g. being able to leave the workforce to become SAHM, living in a nice house/neighborhood,etc.). Divorce is common in the U.S., and men of all races have, can, and may decide(d) to trade up. As a result, I think it is a good question to ask, how does a woman protect herself in marriage, so her and children don’t struggle financially if her husband decides to leave them behind once they get to the top?

    Also, Torrei Hart needs to be quiet about her divorce. It happened, and it’s over. She is not going to get another penny from Kevin Hart. She is now on a VH1 reality show called “Atlanta Exes” with Tameka Raymond, Cee-Lo’s ex-wife, Ne-Yo’s ex-girlfriend, and some ex-wife of a baller. These women get on TV once a week to whine about their EX-husbands and fight and argue with each other. The level of ratchetness is similar to Basketball Wives, and Torrei Hart is one of the most rachet ones on the show. They come off as angry, bitter, and lonely BW, who can’t find a man and have boring lives. All this talking Torrei Hart keeps doing about Kevin Hart isn’t going to help her heal from her divorce or find another husband, which are two things that she needs to do if she wants a second chance at experiencing a loving and fulfilling marriage. Would you want to date a guy who kept harping on how horrible his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend was? No, you would probably think that the guy has unresolved issues and isn’t ready for a relationship.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 16, 2014 @ 09:21:53

      Oh man you hit some good gems in this post APA!

      First. Yes I am very cautious about the marrying early thing. While most men will implore that women should marry early (of course they want a woman young and in her prime), often times this will spell disaster (at lease these days) for women who will end up struggling with him through the tough years and then later be faced with being divorced or left once he decides to “upgrade”.

      The worse part is a lot of these men don’t care about the emotional issues this can cause for their children.

      And yes, BW get shafted many times in divorces. There seems to be a sentiment that we are not worthy of being taken care of to the core of almost everything and everyone in this country.

      This is why BW have to be smarter and unapologetically strategic and savvy when it comes to choosing mates and choosing mates WISELY.

      BW spend so much time trying to be the kind, supportive, ride or die only to be shafted later. So even when BW have best intentions it will to always pay off. So be more strategic and savvy.

      I certainly feel the best time a woman should marry is in her late 20’s and early 30’s. Usually she is with a guy around her age or a tad bit older who as you pointed out has hit his stride.

      Its very hard for a woman to get her dues whens he was with a man who had nothing for a number of years and then once he makes it dumps her. In the courts mind, he had nothing when they were together so she doesn’t get much. YET when he new wife gets dumped she was with him when he already made thus making it much easier for her to get her dues because the court can trace their marriage from the beginning WHEN HE HAD something and not from the beginning when he had nothing.

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      • Neecy
        Sep 16, 2014 @ 09:30:31

        In reagrds to Torrie. Thx for the heads up. I never watch VH1 so I did not really know what the contents of the show were. i thought it was a show where ex wives of celeb men are working on moving past their divorces and making a life and name of their own. From what you described its just another ratchet show with angry bitter BW, which I am not down with nor supportive of.

        And if you say Torrie is the most bitter and angry, then maybe it explains why their marriage fell apart and maybe he wanted someone more carefree and fun. Who knows. This is not to excuse his action or behavior because they are disgusting, but it shines a new light onto things I was unaware of.

        I do think she has a right to be hurt and upset and feel betrayed. Its possible she still loves him and doesn’t know any other way to deal with her hurt and anger. But as you said, she needs to move on and focus on herself and kids.

        I want young attractive BW to avoid this if possible because it will take a toll on you. Not to mention its much harder for a BW to bounce back after divorce. While many White and Non Black women can and do often re-marry, this same is not true of many BW who get left behind.

        THIS is another reason why its important for young BW to not get caught up with men who will do this to them. They become bitter and angry and its just not a good look. Of course you never know if your loving ambitious hubby is gonna dump you or love you even more for sticking by him – but I say the odds are at some point, he will trade up because we live in a society that encourages that in men. And we also live in a very fickle and shallow society that places more emphasis on beauty then character etc.

        Men want to share their wealth and life with carefree easy going women. This is where BW need protect themselves early on from bad relationships and people who drain and stress them out. It takes a toll on you and turns you into a hardened damaged bitter Betty. NO MAN with options will choose or stay with a bitter Betty.

        The end result of being damaged and stressed is weight gain, which takes you out of the market for quality men with options.

        Just the truth!

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        • Bunny77
          Sep 22, 2014 @ 08:35:48

          Hi Neecy! (waves)

          You know, when I hear people advocating that black women marry “young,” I don’t think they mean “young” in the sense that the broader community does (which is probably early 20s). Within the black community, except for maybe parts of the south, getting married in one’s late 20s seems to be considered “young.”

          I say this based on my experience that even when I was just talking about the concept of marriage at age 25 or so, only black women were the ones saying I was still “young” and didn’t need to be worried about all that… meanwhile, I saw plenty of white 25-year-olds engaged or getting married by then. For American women, the average age of marriage is 26, but a lot of black Americans would probably still characterize that as young.

          My point is just that I think BWE advocates are right in suggesting black women marry young if the black community concept of young is late 20s. By that time, you’re less likely to find a struggling man with nothing, and more likely to meet someone established or on his way to getting there. Plus, you’ve usually established something yourself and aren’t sacrificing your goals for him to make it.

          The problem is that because we lack strategic thinking about marriage, by the time a lot of black women even start thinking about it, we’re already late to the party. Or we had an OOW kid or two along the way. We thought we were “too young” at 24 to date strategically and be married in our late 20s, but now when we think we’re no longer “too young” in our early-to-mid 30s, we’re really behind the curve and playing catch up. Not that it can’t be done, but it’s a little harder.

          Good post overall. I agree with so much of it!

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          • Neecy
            Sep 22, 2014 @ 19:45:04

            Hi Bunny!

            I think the reason so many BW in the Black community say that 20’s is too young, is mainly because BM tend not to marry and damn sure are not marrying in their 20’s or even early mid 30’s. So the mindset has been that BW have longer.

            And my observation is BM are not as youth obsessed as say WM and Non Black men in general. This is not to say they want older women vs younger women. But I have found that BM are not so against marrying women close to their age when they do finally settle down. the reason NON Black women tend to marry earlier is because Non Black men are more marriage minded when they are younger and also because WM are VERY youth obsessed and any woman of any race who wants to date Non Black men (especially White) needs to understand this and work this to her benefit while she is still young.

            So for BW entering into the IR market, I say start dating young and seek to have a serious LTR leading to marriage no later than mid to late 20’s and early 30’s if possible. I think getting married before mid 20’s is not such a great idea for a woman or a man. Usually these marriages end by the time the couple reaches 40.

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            • itsmeak
              Sep 27, 2014 @ 08:34:12

              When BM find BW their own age when they’re ready to settle down that’s because by that time they’re already 60 and just want someone to take care them like a nurse.

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              • Raina
                Feb 14, 2015 @ 21:11:30

                So true. Once they get old, decrepit and broke down they’ll turn up at a church, get them a brainwashed mammy and marry in a heartbeat in order to be nursed in their last years in her home that she owns because he has accumulated nothing of his own during his years as a playa.

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      • DiraD
        Sep 16, 2014 @ 13:34:39

        “I certainly feel the best time a woman should marry is in her late 20’s and early 30’s. Usually she is with a guy around her age or a tad bit older who as you pointed out has hit his stride.”

        ^^^This made my day! As a woman in her late 20s, I’ve been despairing lately for not getting on the husband hunt sooner and worrying that it’s too late for me. A message to the contrary was just what I needed.

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        • Neecy
          Sep 16, 2014 @ 13:52:47

          DIRA,

          You still have time! Although I do not want to give off the impression that waiting too long past your prime years is a good thing.

          I should re write that to say MID 20’s to early 30’s. I need to emphasis that the best way a BW or any woman can capitalize on her marriage prospects is whe she is in her 20’s and in her prime. Waiting too long will just make it harder for yourself because you will be competing with younger women. Because the odds are the men in their 30’s are still willing to marry the women still in their 20’s.

          So in essence if the guy is not that much older but is already established and in his late 20’s and / or 30’s and you are still in your 20’s it’s all good. You are still younger and he will feel he has a prize because you are in your prime.

          Once you hit,late 20’s early 30’s you should be looking at guys in the 35-37 range because they are still in their prime as men physically a and usually financially.

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        • Robynne
          Sep 17, 2014 @ 19:33:13

          it’s not too late, but start the hunt now, using the valuable knowledge that Neecy and the veteran bwe bloggers have been dropping for years. These ladies helped me a lot with their wise words and strategies, and I thank them VERY much, especially Evia and Khadijah. I met my husband at 27 and was married at 29. He was also the same age as me. He has a great career in the engineering field. I am also a professional and I wanted someone who also had an advanced degree and great career prospects, preferably already established in his chosen endeavour. Depending on his career, some men get established more quickly than others. Also, remember, vet, vet and VET!

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        • Robynne
          Sep 17, 2014 @ 20:07:28

          As Neecy essentially stated in this post, be unapologetically calculating. Be as calculating as hell and get yours!

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    • Lulu
      Sep 16, 2014 @ 12:36:12

      I so agree about Torrie Hart needing to stop talking about Kevin and get off of that horrible reality show. She looks bitter and tired. And you’re right, who wants to date someone who’s still so consumed with their ex.

      She really oughta take a page out of Elin Nordegren Woods’s book. Elin gave one interview to People about her divorce from Tiger and she’s been silent ever since. Just after her divorce was finalized from Tiger, she began dating a billionaire. Now THAT is how you move on from a celebrity divorce.

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      • Neecy
        Sep 16, 2014 @ 13:54:26

        AGREED. I don’t think it’s so bad she publicly stated how she felt. But if she is harping on it and keeps discussing it, the she needs to get on with her life and work on herself and her kids and future prospects.

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      • Donna
        Dec 16, 2015 @ 00:54:06

        Elin also got way more money (mulit-millions) than Torrie & she was only married to Tiger for five years, in which, Tiger was already established before meeting Elin. The two situations are different.

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  2. DiraD
    Sep 16, 2014 @ 08:18:42

    Another excellent post!

    While Neecy uses Kevin Hart and other BM celebrities to illustrate this phenomenon, being the starter chick to an ordinary BM usually ends up the same. I know because this happened to my mom. True Confession: I am my father’s eldest and only fully black child. Once he completed his fellowship, he left my mother for an Asian woman. He did not care that my mother was with him since his first year of medical school. He did not care that she was with him when he had nothing (as a student) or very little (as an intern/resident). He did not care that he married her in front of all his family and friends. He did not care that she uprooted her life to moved around with him as he completed his residency and fellowship. He did not care that she had her master’s degree and was the main bread winner during his residency. He did not care that she bore his child.

    You can be the mother to his children. You can be a woman of impeccable moral character. The BM in question can be race conscious. It Does NOT Matter! Once they achieve success, many BM cast aside their BW wives/girlfriends and move towards lighter/brighter pastures. Furthermore, the BM often treats his fully black children as personae non gratae. Hence, you the BW who did everything she was supposed to do ends up out in the cold trying to solely raise her black children.

    Before any of you “concerned” folks get started, I am neither bitter nor resentful of my experiences. I do not hate my father. In fact, once I acknowledged the true motivations behind my father’s abandonment, I felt free, like I was able to finally lay that part of my life to rest. I share my story because a) I know that I am not the only one who has faced this problem and b) I want BW to start choosing better and stop losing. If we are to move ahead to happy lives where we are valued, BW have to start calling a spade a spade and stop sticking our heads in the sand.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 16, 2014 @ 10:01:44

      Hi DIra!

      Thank you for sharing such personal and painful experience. I cannot fathom how your mother must’ve felt. It has to be a gut wrteching feeling to be cast aside after you loved and stuck with a man who had nothing and accepted all of your financial and emotional support through the tough times to only be given the pink slip for another race of woman who will now solely enjoy the benefits of all of your hard work, and whose children will be thrones to get the MOST of what the father has to offer. The children LIVING in the home with the father always get the most benefits IMO.

      And much worse, is the emotional toll it must take on the poor children in this. So sad and heartbreaking.

      I was watching the TV show snapped one day (lol don’t judge me haha) and there are not many stories featuring BW or Black couples (thank God) but because there are so few I remember this one CLEARLY.

      This BW and Black man married young. Her husband was very ambitious and was working towards a career as an attorney? I believe it was an attorney or some kind of business professional. Anyway, they had two kids together and they were together throughout college. She worked with and by his side all those years while he struggled. Eventually once he made it she became a stay at home mother and quit her job.

      His career progressed and he eventually was able to strike out on his own with a partner and his income and status really increased. And while he did not leave her, at some point, he started having an affair with a college aged White girl who worked in his place of employment. – HERE comes the BLOW – his own Black daughter who was in college could barely get ANY money from him and she had needed a car to get around – well his mistress in college, got (1) her own apartment in a nice area of Los Angeles (2) a new car (3) money from this bastard. That is how his wife and daughterinitialy found out about his affair, was because he bought a NEW car and apartment for his young mistress in college (while his damn Black daughter who was also in college had to constantly ask for money which he always claimed he didn’t have.

      Anyway, long story short the BW ends up killing him after years of cruelty to her and his children and for not ending the affair. Obviously I am not condoning this. i am just using this story as another example of how not having your own life and ambitions as a woman and wife who places all her support and eggs in her husbands basket doesn’t always pay off for her or even their children.

      The particularly cruel way in which his daughter was treated while his mistress got all the things she should have gotten was the most heartbreaking. And the sad part is I honestly don’t think she was much affected by the death of her father, and felt more sorry for her mother who had some serious issues from hi having that affair. The mother felt trapped and depressed because her whole life was her husband and kids and she had no whee to go and did nit have the mental fortitude to divorce and leave.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 16, 2014 @ 10:15:25

      Yes you are right. its time for BW to stop burying their heads in the sand!

      There is no room for anger and bitterness in a progressive BW’s life. That means we have to be steadfast, savvy and DAMN SHREWD in how we handle our personal lives and he choices we make. That is because, we don’t have a support system to fall back on when we are playing the nice girl who gets shafted later.

      No one wants to call Asian women out for doing what is best for them and usually they are the ones who end up being the SECOND wife who gets all the goods. And I have yet to see a man “avoid” an Asian woman for looking out for her best interests FIRST. They may pretend they don’t know she is doing that, but they know.

      Time for BW to smarten up and start looking out for numero uno!

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  3. JaliliMaster
    Sep 16, 2014 @ 10:42:00

    People like this Torrei Hart bore me. I have never bothered to read any article concerning this woman. The story is almost always about her complaining about something. For all I know, the article might be about something else, but as I rarely proceed to clutter my mind with the silliness, I can only gauge it based on the title.

    I have noticed what a lot of BW, particularly AA women do in their divorces. They are always so keen to not be ‘greedy’, even when the man they are divorcing has proven himself to be someone that is not overly concerned with the welfare of his family. They’ll settle for utter peanuts, then start crying after the fact. Either this woman did not hire a decent lawyer, or she wanted to be ‘nice’, in the hopes that Kevin Hart would be ‘nice’ back.

    As we can see, there are many women who will stay stuck-on-stupid, time after time, even after they have heard these warnings about what happens a lot of the time. The energy spent on trying to ‘pull a brotha up’, is better spent on trying to pull their own selves up.

    P.S.: In the last group of pictures in the post, the 3rd picture (the black and white one that is a close-up), the woman in it is ‘multiracial’. That is what is listed under ‘race/ethnicity’ on her wikipedia page!

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    • Neecy
      Sep 16, 2014 @ 11:10:11

      JALILMASTER,
      Prepare to clutch you pearls. But uh I just read she is now FRIENDS – GOOOOOOD FRIENDDS with the very attorney who was Kevin’s attorney in the divorce!
      THE HELL??

      This is the kind of nonsense that keeps BW staying in the foolish loosing zone.

      I may have to adjust this article and remove a lot of the Torrie commentary as it seems she is no prize based on the comments I’m getting from you all. I just kinda looked over some articles about Kevin Hart but did not realize she was such a piece of work.

      My pint still stands, although I should have researched Torrie a bit more before using her as an example.

      MY BAD.

      But you are right. BW are always trying to look out for the BMs best interest even in cases where she stands to lose out financially! WOW

      Like you said, some BW are just going to stay stuck on stupid. If I can reach just ONE young marriageable BW In terms of avoiding this fate, feel I have done something.

      What is the woman’s name in black and white photo? Either way she looks like a dark skinned BW to me so that is why I used her pic.

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      • JaliliMaster
        Sep 17, 2014 @ 04:34:23

        Her name is Vilayna Avenaim. I’ve never heard of her before, I just knew her name because it was in the link address of the image.

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        • Neecy
          Sep 17, 2014 @ 16:05:12

          Looks like a Black woman to me! She may have those mixtures, but aesthetically she looks like a brown skinned black woman. I don’t see a “mixed” looking woman when I look at her photos.

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  4. Lulu
    Sep 16, 2014 @ 11:45:08

    I read the comments on Eniko’s instagram page. It is indeed quite sad, nothing but a bunch of BW praising her and kissing her behind. And you’re right, the only visibly black ladies on her page are Kevin’s family! All her girlfriends are silky haired “black-ish” looking women. Women who look like her. She doesn’t even hang out with the Beyonce or Rihanna looking girls, apparently, even that is too black! LOL. I don’t know how to post IG pics but there’s one photo she has where it’s her, Kevin, and two other couples. All three men are visibly black. All three women are “exotic”. And then you look over and see the comments from visibly black women praising the women in the pic and it’s just so sad.

    I don’t know what it’s gonna take for BW to get it together and expand their options. Too many of us are wasting our youth and beauty on loser ass black men. There are black women walking around who are so beautiful, if they’d get themselves together, they could easily be on the arm of some Wall St. investment banker pulling in millions. I’ve seen girls with faces to rival Naomi Campbell and Tyra Banks who are tied down in lame ass relationships and having babies with loser ass black men. It’s astounding.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 16, 2014 @ 14:02:38

      Nothing is sadder than a woman who doesn’t know her worth. There are so many BW with so much potential in their young years, and they end up wasting their youth, beauty and fertility on losers or BM who use them as a stepping stool until he gets what he really wants.

      BW need to learn how to be fabulous and as care free as possible in their young years because that is what attracts high quality men – not users and sociopaths. The latter prefers women who they can walk over, take Advantage of and women who don’t know their worth.

      I,ove the first pic of the black,girl in the selfie I posted. She has that kind of energy emanating from her that says I am fun, fabulous and fearless and her eyes show happiness. Not despair, struggle and pain. THAT is where I want to see more BW.

      Too many BW settle for loser men and become so broken in their prime years. Not to mention having OOW kids is another obstacle that many BW will have to,face in the dating game if they want quality men.

      That is why I focus less on the interracial dating aspect and more on BW self improvement because too many BW think changing the race of the male will make things different.

      It won’t! If BW’s minds are not right, they will wash and rinse themselves of Black men and REPEAT with non BM. And it’s a lot worse if a BW makes a bad choice in a non BM because they will always be given the benefit of the doubt and more protection provided things don’t work out.

      BW need to learn to choose all men wisely because there are users of all races and BW unfortunately have the reputation of settling for scraps in relationships. Now is a very critical era for AA women because the world unfortunately sees the kinds of things we put up with in men and the choices we make for ourselves and they know. Other men are watching. And a sociopath or predator who wants so done easy to get over on, will pursue relationships with a BW out of feeling it will be easy for him to not be of much quality. That is not a good reputation to have because no quality man wants a woman who isn’t seen as a prize and who accepts scraps and crumbs. Why would he!?

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  5. vonmiwi
    Sep 16, 2014 @ 12:10:35

    A majority of black women will never get it, nor will they understand that their racial loyalty to black men who show them that they do not desire them and don’t support them renders them as only to be used by these men.

    They capitalize off of their racial loyalty and laugh at their incessant stupidity all the way to the bank. I don’t think that many of them will ever understand it because they have been conditioned to believe that they’re contributing to the progression of the black collective, when in fact they’re really not.

    Many of these celebrities don’t give back to the black collective, which is why I no longer support any of them. The only ones who are getting wealthy are the ones they throw their hard earned dollars at, who then use those same dollars to maintain a lavish lifestyle for their wives or girlfriends who don’t look like them.

    These same black women are looking at them while they live their lives on social media. “They watch, while they live it, when in fact they could be doing the same things.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 16, 2014 @ 14:11:04

      Yep! I was just so damn angry reading and watching these BW idolize and worship these women who are NOT concerned for BW. Those women are hanging out and sharing their wealth with their friends and family who look like them, while allowing BW to pump up their pages and follower counts and further give them press.

      That’s. Just not savvy on the parts of BW.

      I am not saying BW should hate on these women as the contrary. I’m saying why do you support those who ain’t supporting you???

      We can only hope and pray that there are a small numbers of BW are getting it and withdrawing from the nonsense.

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  6. chelebelle
    Sep 16, 2014 @ 16:09:24

    I am glad you mentioned Stevie Harvey and the way he did his wife Mary Vaughn…I also feel that the singer Mashonda basically got drop kicked to the curb for a yella-n-curly chick i.e. Alicia Keys. Black women champion other Black women’s demise, downfall and heartbreak because there is no sisterhood. There is a Blackness that runs on the concept: All the Blacks Are Men, All The Women Are White [or Damn Near It]. I was recently reading a write up on Usher and his former wife Tameka Foster…I remember reading blog comments and the way folks talked about her you would have thought she’d run down a bus full of puppies, babies and nuns. After a few months I realized the nasty remarks were not because of her deeds or words but because this attractive dark brown skinned woman had obtained some form of social standing via marriage. She was not side kick but a lawful spouse. She probably would not have been derided so harshly if she had never married him and had just lived with him and had kids by him. No joke. Sick and sad times we live in.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 17, 2014 @ 16:17:32

      Yes it has dawned on me that BW in American society have deep down adopted the same prejudices against themselves that Black American men and society have.

      This is not shocking when you realize that many BW are Black male identified. That is why it’s so very easy for BW to degrade and put down regular non mixed BW and feel they are not deserving of the roles that have been happily given to mixed and non Black women.

      It’s actually very scary when you think about it. Because when those like you participate in your Marginalization and degradation the that’s pretty much the nail in the coffin. IOWs if BW in General who are not mixed looking support the notion that any non mixed BW is not worthy of being held in high standards and with men of status, then it’s a wrap.

      That is why it is IMPERATIVE for young up and coming progressive minded BW to completely separate from this mentality which means separating from general Black thought, community, entertainment and lifestyle.

      Progressive BW need to RE-CREATE standards for themselves and find other like minded BW to join in. And that is where the BWE blogs and such come in. We are trying to recreate a different culture for Black women who are progressive.

      Because if we don’t then you will be forever lost in the madness and caught up in that matrix with the zombies of BW. There can never be any improvement Of you life as a BW if you try to stay within the confines of the current zombie Black female mind.

      SEPARATION is required and necessary for progressive BW to develop a healthy esteem of themselves and to understand, PRACTICE, and put into play all the things to mKe the best life for yourself as a BW.

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  7. onthewaydown
    Sep 16, 2014 @ 16:14:04

    I’m in total agreement that mid to late 20s (and early 30s) is a good time for women to get married. For young women (college age and just out of undergrad)–

    Don’t waste your early twenties NOT dating. I didn’t date in college, and now I am playing “catch-up,” learning vetting skills I could have learned in college. Use those years to gain experience and to learn how to evaluate men’s characters. The unfortunate thing is that I see many of my young female relatives making the same mistake because their mothers are telling them to “focus on the books,” that someday they’ll just meet a man and things will be all happily ever after. Nope.

    My mother was the lone voice in the wilderness encouraging me to date and mingle with men, but of course I didn’t listen to her.

    The rationale here is that with that experience (and the likely mistakes you’ll make), your chances of being married by your late twenties or so are increased.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 17, 2014 @ 16:20:00

      YES! A BW should be freely dating in her early 20’s and learning about what her boundaries are, and just simply how relationships work.

      Waiting too long can cause problems later when you become an adult and still have little to no experience dealing with men or relationships.

      The good thing is, there are still men who are learning this too. That is what the majority of PUA sites are made up of. Inexperienced men trying to figure out how to maneuver successfully within the dating arena with women.

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  8. BK Muse
    Sep 16, 2014 @ 22:20:18

    Boom goes the dynamite!

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  9. neurochick
    Sep 17, 2014 @ 08:42:57

    I agree with this post, a lot. But you would probably call me an “ambiguous looking BW.”

    Hey, that’s not my fault, that’s just the way I was born. However….keep reading…

    My mother (more ambiguous looking than me…think J Lo) had a very brown skinned mother, and she politely told me years ago: “If my mother were alive today, these sorry black men would probably talk about how ugly she is.” The irony of that is that my grandfather, a very white looking Black man, had no problem marrying her…in 1930; so later for these kneegrows today.

    I used to have a co-worker, a WM who, when his wife, a WW left him for “greener pastures” (a man with more $$$) sued and won because he supported her while she was in med school and when she finished, she dropped his behind for those “greener pastures.” They had a child, who he stayed home and took care of while she lived her life.

    Torrie should have done that same thing and if people wanted to hate on her for it, then so be it. What bugs me about Kevin Hart’s situation is that the woman he’s with now is the one he cheated on Torrie with. That means their children will have to deal with this woman and the children she will probably have.

    I think the deal with Usher’s ex-wife was more that she was a lot older than she, plus HIS mother didn’t like her and thought she was a golddigger.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 17, 2014 @ 16:35:50

      Hey NEUROCHICK!!

      You are right, you can’t help how you were born and I am certainly not advocating hate or disliking of ambiguously Black or mixed women, but rather regular BW need to learn how to love themselves because even the BW amongst them who are regular looking don’t even appreciate other reg Black women.

      In the past it was not so problematic with mixed and ambiguously BW because it seemed we were in the same struggle together. And although in the past black men married and dated these women, you also had the ambiguously black looking and mixed males who were marrying the darker more regular looking BW.

      My fathers side of the family are those ambiguously black looking people. They are BLACK but not black looking. My grandfather doesn’t look Black. He, his brothers and sisters all could have passed back in the day, although they chose not to.

      But my point is, back in the day, dark skinned and regular looking BW had a group of men to fall back on even if the regular looking BM didn’t want them.

      Then the Black community in the late 80’s started pushing light skinned, mixed and ambiguously looking black males to the curb and started making fun of them. Black women near and far started claiming the only “black Mann for them was a chocolate brother” and so mixed and lit skinned men moved on.

      In essence, BW bit off their nose to spite their face to ONCE AGAIN appease the egos of regular and dark skinned BM.

      But you notice, light skinned and mixed women were never in that position. Because BM are not DUMB enough to cut off their supply like BW did.

      I remember BW saying stuff like light skinned and bi racial dudes were not masculine enough Yada Yada. A lot of that was being said to appease the Black communities NEED for BW to not push aside dark skinned BM and by making BW feel it was for the good of the race to place regular and dark skinned men on a pedestal,over the light mixed men. But I have to,laugh because the black community did not require this from Black men when it came to light and mixed women.

      Black women with their heads so far up the black mans ass didn’t catch that and just kept digging themselves I to a deeper hole while the light and mixed women were still getting love because BM realized having both light, mixed and regular BW as potential mates is much better than cutting out one group and dealing strictly with regular looking BW.

      Frankly, it ain’t no one else’s fault BUT BLACK WOMEN for being DUMB and allowing themselves to be led to slaughter of their beauty while they gave BM all the praise for looking Black and dissed the mixed and light men who have HISTORICALLY happily dated and mated with dark and regular looking BW.

      Now BW are left with no one on their sides. The black bi racial men light skinned men have moved on to white, Asian women who appreciate them.

      Sorry for my rambling, but your post brought this out in me !! Lol!

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  10. neurochick
    Sep 17, 2014 @ 09:07:05

    One more thing:

    The awful truth is that most men, most successful men want playmates, meaning they want a woman who, to them equals success. My co worker’s wife didn’t see her husband as successful, because he didn’t have the same degree that her second husband had.

    What BW need to do is get theirs, job, degree, whatever. If you marry before you have yours and then he gets his, he’ll split. Marrying young is cool, but only if you’re on the same level. If a man starts to move up, watch out. If Kevin Hart had never made it, he would still be with Torrie, you can be sure of that, and when he slides back down the ladder, which will happen, will Eniko stay with him? See, these men don’t think that they’ll ever slide down, but they will in some way, either money, or health will leave them and when it does, so will the trophy wives, because the last thing these trophy wives wants, is to take care of some old, broken down man.

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    • APA
      Sep 17, 2014 @ 09:34:25

      Neurochick:

      I agree with what you said about women needing focus on self-improvement at all stages of the relationship. In fact, it is what I would expect my husband or any man that I choose to be involved long-term to do. If you marry a guy who is starting to make moves financially, you need to come up with a self-improvement plan ASAP, so that you feel comfortable navigating and belonging in the new socioeconomic environment that you and your family will find yourself in. Pay attention to the type of women his associates marry and date. If you feel like you are lacking educationally or socially, do what you can to fix those deficits. Don’t wait for your husband to hit the big time before you cash in on his success and try to make moves for yourself. With more money comes more options, and you don’t want to make those options any more appetizing for your husband and allow some other woman to reap where she didn’t sow.

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      • Ava
        Sep 21, 2014 @ 15:44:06

        There really isn’t anything that a woman can do to hold on to a man when he is ready to leave her for a younger or prettier women. No amount of physical maintenance or exercise can make a 40 year old woman look like 20. And it is not just the physical appearance; younger women give off more pheromones than older women and that is one reason they attract more men. Even a very beautiful older woman will not attract as many men as a cute 20 year old woman. Men prefer younger women and they will go after them if they think they can get one.

        White women have a high rate of divorce because white men like to trade in their wives for younger women. And yet white women tend to be more obsessive about their physical appearance and weight and also get a lot of plastic surgery.

        One criticism I have of some BWE blogs (not this one),is that many of them portray white men as saviors of black women. A white man will do the same thing to a BW as Kevin Hart did to his wife. A white man will not see a BW as any more deserving of his money when he wants to leave her. There are many WM who leave their black wives/girlfriends to create new lives with white or Asian women.

        Black women need to understand that no group of men see us collectively as prizes. They will always treat non-black women better than we if we don’t look out for ourselves. Also, understand that there are always other women available to your man, so don’t ever feel too secure in a marriage, no matter how attractive or great a wife you think you are. Always look out for yourself and have a life and money of your own. Being carefree shouldn’t mean having no income of your own. Most men are not millionaires so when a typical relationship comes to an end, the woman cannot expect to walk away with million dollar settlements.

        Also, women should consider whether it is in their and their children’s long term best interest to become stay at home moms. Removing yourself from the workforce may not be a good idea unless your husband is very wealthy and will be able to pay enough child support and alimony to maintain your standard of living in the event of a divorce.

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        • onthewaydown
          Sep 22, 2014 @ 05:52:48

          Women are often the initiators of divorce. And the most common reasons for divorce are money and communication issues.

          Life is honestly not that dramatic for most people. The trading in mostly happens in Hollywood.

          However, I do agree with the financial independence aspect of your post.

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          • Neecy
            Sep 22, 2014 @ 19:37:31

            I’m just being real. Any BW who is stuck solely on dating White and if she is upwardly mobile and is seeking upwardly mobile White men, she better be prepared for the POSSIBILITY of him leaving for a younger woman or possibly a non Black woman.

            It happens a lot and not just in H-Wood.

            Of course a lot of middle ground middle class WM stick it out with their partners because they may not have options to leave for a younger or prettier woman.

            White men in general tend to be more youth obsessed than most other races. This is why WW are so obsessed with staying thin and young looking for as long as possible. The pressures start hitting once they turn 30.

            But I think this will have a bigger impact on women who are with men who are upwardly mobile and have more options than your average Joe.

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        • JaliliMaster
          Sep 22, 2014 @ 13:15:44

          One criticism I have of some BWE blogs (not this one),is that many of them portray white men as saviors of black women. A white man will do the same thing to a BW as Kevin Hart did to his wife. A white man will not see a BW as any more deserving of his money when he wants to leave her. There are many WM who leave their black wives/girlfriends to create new lives with white or Asian women.

          I have never seen a single BWE blog say such a thing. There are those that do, but they are not BWE, and for the most part, have stopped claiming to be!

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        • Neecy
          Sep 22, 2014 @ 19:32:56

          AVA,

          No one here was saying that older women should try to compete with younger women. But just because a woman is older doesn’t mean she should let herself go. A woman who takes care of herself and tries to maintain a healthy weight and her looks (in reasonable ways) will fare a lot better in her marriage than a woman who lets herself go.

          There are studies that men are happiest when their wives stay thin and attractive. This is not about trying to look like a 20 year old. Any man who leaves his wife for a younger or prettier woman, it had nothing to do with his wife and all to do with him.

          There are still plenty of men who stick it out with their wives, but they do so because they are reasonable and understand their wives will not look like the 20 year old they married years prior.

          I’m 40 and I don’t not feel a need to compete with younger women NOR do i have any interest in a man who prefers a younger woman. And not all men PREFER younger women for relationships. Of course many men will find a younger woman visually appealing (just like I and many women find younger more virile men visually appealing than an older man) but that doesn’t mean we want a relationship with one. There are plenty of men who appreciate the beauty of younger women and some leave it at that – other will pursue and leave behind everything to be with a younger woman – so be it. There are plenty of men who appreciate and stick it out with women their own age because they want someone to relate to.

          The point is if a BW is smart and makes smart choices, no matter what happens (whether her man stays or leaves for a younger woman) she will be equipped to move on with her life and not be left struggling.

          Black women need to understand that no group of men see us collectively as prizes. They will always treat non-black women better than we if we don’t look out for ourselves.

          AND that is the entire message we have been saying here. BLACK WOMEN need to put themselves first. And that is the basic message of BWE bloggers. Some focus more on the interracial dating aspect, not to say that other races of men are saviors for BW, but because part of being a progressive and empowered BW means doing what is best for her life and love life.

          And a lot of BW need to be told it is okay to pursue relationships outside of BM because too many BW wait soley on a BM and that has been proven to be detrimental to a BW’s love and future relationship prospects. So the message for many is simply EXAPNDING your options but making sure you have your mental self together FIRST.

          Right now is tough because there is a lot of racial tension happening in America right now and as you stated no collective group of men riding for BW. SO BW should be very consciousness of the type of Non Black men she allows into her life because its pretty tough out there right now for BW to depend on anyone really.

          While I agree some websites are a bit too much on the WM dating tip, I feel that is their prerogative. Any BW who simply believes her life will be better because she dates WM will probably be in for a big UNFORTUNATE surprise because losers come in all races.

          I do not want BW being “THIRSTY” for any man of any race. All that does is open the more to more abuse and abandonment and for those BW who simply want to believe a WM is her saving grace, then oh well thats on her.

          The more well adjusted progress BW understand that its imperative to expand our options if we want to increase chances of finding love, but to not simply believe that another races of man is the answer to a BW’s woes and issues.

          If a BW has some issues with choosing losers as men, it doesn’t matter what race he is, she will continue to make these bad choices.

          My message is self improvement and self concern FIRST and foremost. Once a BW has those mastered by default she will only attract high quality men of character of ANY race. She won’t allow just anyone into her life.

          It takes a very strong man of any race to walk with a BW these days. But they are out there.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 17, 2014 @ 17:18:43

      @NEUROCHIK

      BINGO!!

      Black women need to be aware that the higher up in quality and wealth your mate becomes, you need to be keeping busy, getting yours and keeping your physical self up. It’s a cold world out there as you can see, and a man will dump his kids and wife for the next trophy if he can. Don’t be caught surprised and left behind if that happens. Always be savvy and smart about maintaining yourself physically and financially so,you and your children are not struggling when or if your husband decides to leave or move on.

      As far as Eniko goes. She’ll probably stick around since she has nothing (that I know of) going on for herself. She is a failed model who does nothing but travel with him around (based on what I’ve seen). So Kevin is her bread and butter and she is his trophy. Plus she is now 30 so after 35 she won’t be pulling any high status men unless they are old.

      But, you are right. Who knows where his career will be in 5 years. Especially if BW manage to smarten up by then (I won’t hold my breath) and stop supporting his career since he always has negative stuff to say of BW.

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  11. KP
    Sep 17, 2014 @ 09:58:31

    I saw this on instagram when it happened and I could do nothing but shake my head at this foolishness.

    Neecy said, “A progressive BW will find a man that is already set so that she knows and feels confident that he chose you when he had OPTIONS and not when no one wanted him because he didn’t have anything. ”

    WOW! This is the big takeaway from this post for me. This is why Tameka Raymond was attacked and any other BW who dares to believe she deserves love, honor, respect, protection and the finer things in life. It’s the same reason people with anti-BW views will say a non-BM must have a fetish for us when he had the options to choose anyone else. BW are supposed to be the “no options girls.” There is value in us being the no options girls, but not for us. This is why people are invested in our denigration because it has more value for them than our humanity.

    Oh but not this gal, I deserve to have all the options humanly possible; I refuse to be the day-one chick, the back-up chick, the ride or die chick, or any other anti-ME chick.

    Thank you for another wonderful post!

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  12. APA
    Sep 17, 2014 @ 10:11:57

    Also, if your husband dumps you after years of long suffering and support. Please don’t hesitate to get what you are due even if it means prolonging the divorce proceedings especially if you have children. Too many women give in because they want an amicable divorce and then spend the rest of their lives struggling to provide for their kids while their husbands ride off into the sunset with the next women. I know too many friends from broken homes whose fathers were stingy with them, but lavished the kids from their subsequent marriage. When I say stingy, I mean things like refusing to contribute to tuition payments even though you could easily afford to because you’ve paid X in child support over the years. However, your step brothers and sisters get their college paid for as well as other goodies like new cars, expensive vacations, electronics, designer clothes, etc. What is the point of an amicable divorce if you have to deal with situations like the above?

    If you are marrying someone with considerable wealth, a prenup may not be a bad idea if it can guarantee that you will have a roof over your head, decent amount of money to start over with, and tuition funds for your children in the event of a divorce. It would save money on the legal fees as well as time and frustration.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 17, 2014 @ 17:24:32

      AGREED. The children typically from the second marriage tend to always make out better – especially if they are living in the home with the father.

      The children from the first marraige always get screwed IMO. That is because the second wife will always make sure her kids are getting the most and best from the father.

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  13. Evia
    Sep 17, 2014 @ 11:12:11

    Neecy, I’m going to make some statements here that will really require some deeper thinking about this issue, but the biggest mistake that many AAbw (and similar bw) of all ages make is that they think with their HEARTS and other body parts–not with their BRAINS. Bw LOVE too much. LOL!

    Women who love men too much are going to most likely always come out losing.

    Men don’t tend to be loyal. I repeat: Men are rarely loyal to women. I’ve married 2 wonderful men, but I have NEVER counted on any man to be loyal to me.

    I was also told many times by my mother not to ever love any man more than he loves me. As a matter of fact, it’s always better for a woman to be with a man who loves her more than she loves him. For ex., for best results these days, most 25 year old bw would be better off opting for a “seasoned” man who is closer 40. I posted a couple of Ezine articles about the highly appealing qualities of “seasoned” men last year. But I say this because It’s clear to me that most younger AAbw these days do not have the know-how to win or break even in interactions or relationships with men their age and particularly not bm. Due to a number of factors, bm clearly have the upper hand and plenty of bw are still eyeing bm.

    Some bw will claim they “can’t help” who they love, but that’s a lie. What they’re actually saying is that they’re emotionally UNDISCIPLINED. Trust me–lots of men love emotionally undisciplined women. LOL! We CAN help who we love.

    I notice how many times the term “love”, “loving”, “loyalty” and those irrational, murky emotions are mentioned in discussions when it comes to bw’s relationships with men, but LOVE and LOYALTY do NOT exist in nature. I tend to think on multiple levels, so I can go along with the Hollywood flow up to a point, but I can’t subscribe much to things that don’t exist in nature. LOL! Lower animals don’t LOVE each other; they bond with each other for very selfish reasons–SURVIVAL. Men are usually with women for very selfish reasons, LUST, ego, other practical needs, and the strong desire to reproduce themselves for the sake of immortality–in most cases. And it’s a fact in most cultures for women to pair-bond with men for very selfish reasons also.

    But AA women are really something else with the amount of love they have for men!! Whew! WHY are AA and similar bw so lovestruck? Is it really LOVE? I don’t think so.

    Love is a fabricated notion. It’s not real. It’s a construct, a delusion that wasn’t even mentioned in connection with marriage until the last couple of hundred years–and mainly only in the West. I would suggest that the notion of “love” be researched because it’s mostly a straight-up Hollywood notion.

    Black women–especially AAbw need to examine why they LOVE men to the nth degree the way they do. LOL! I don’t believe it’s love–AT ALL. But as long as bw continue to fool themselves about this, they will continue to lose.

    For ex., I know that Janay Rice has her faults, but I mentioned to some bw yesterday that she should have been in a lawyer’s office the next day after that knockout blow video went viral last week, and she should have gone for his jugular. She would have had a LOT of sympathy on her side at that point, so she would have had a great chance of wiping him out financially OR she would have gotten enough to live comfortably for the rest of her life. I would have shown him NO mercy. Left up to me, he would have been homeless, but these other bw thought I was cold-blooded when I said that. LOL! You see what I mean? To their detriment, typical bw come from a culture/construct where they have been “programmed” to be “tenderhearted” so when they get the chance to bring a man low and I’m talking about a man who DESERVES to be brought low–the typical AAbw will not do it. Women of other groups don’t tend to be tenderhearted like that. Good for them.

    As I’ve said, probably 50,000 times: Black women need a NEW mentality–one that constantly informs them to THRIVE–no matter what they have to do–as long as they aren’t committing a crime.

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    • Rae
      Sep 17, 2014 @ 12:07:36

      is it probably that she didn’t want to be a single mother also? many black women struggle with not allowing history to repeat itself and will go through dire length to now allow this to happen, im 18 and agree with what you wrote though!

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    • Lulu
      Sep 17, 2014 @ 15:29:30

      Evia, my grandmother always preached this as well. I can hear her now “Never marry a man who’s not more in love with you than you are him.”

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    • Chrissy
      Sep 17, 2014 @ 21:47:22

      I always love what you say Evia. I usually lurk but I had to comment on this post. I don’t think many black women are ready to think like you do. I dont know if you have talked about this before but what do you think about cheating/infidelity? Do you think humans concept of monogamy is realistic or another hollywood notion?

      Anyway I do think many black women are too soft hearted. I am just trying to figure out why we no longer hear the wisdom from women like yourself? Was there a certain point when older women in the family stopped telling their daughters and granddaughters the info you share on the net? Or is it just the hollywood love culture?

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    • Neecy
      Sep 17, 2014 @ 22:42:31

      OMG Evia,

      you have dropped some serious knowledge here!

      Women who love men too much are going to most likely always come out losing.

      BINGO!!! Notice the women who most QUALITY men are constantly striving for? The women who are always hard to get, who are busy with their own lives, women who keep themselves in the best shape, women who they know have options. Women who do not kiss men’s butts, women who are not always focused on MEN every second, women who do not try to take the role of men, PERIOD.

      Men may appreciate the hard work sister soldiers put in for the “cause” but they damn sure don’t want them as romantic partners. men want to be with women they feel are WOMEN and opposite them in every way. They don’t want to spend their wealth and lives with female soldiers who are ready to ride or die for them at any given moment.

      Name one successful or wealthy male that is married to that kind of woman?

      I tend to visit PUA sites. There seems to be a mixed bag of men on there. But the whole POINT of these PUA sites is for men to go after and successfully get the women that are HARD TO GET – HENCE why they need to learn gaming tactics to become attractive to these women. These men are willing to do whatever it TAKES to get the women they want.

      Some men who are simply not good with women want to learn how to compete for the best women. And guess what? They complain as the day is long about Bitchy White women and Asian women but who do you think it is these men are still going after? YES! Those Bitchy WW and AW!

      They don’t want the easy women who are at their beck and call and kissing their butts. Well, they do but only for temporary purposes of fulfilling their loneliness and sexual needs. In fact, they use these “easily had” women until they can successfully “GAME” a better grade of woman who was harder to get and who had more options in men. LOL

      Why would they need game for those “easily had” women? They want the women who are hard to get. SO much they are coming up with tactics and techniques to get them. And as I said, while these men bitch and complain about White women and Asian women, they still want them because they are not so easy to come by (at least the more quality attractive women).

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    • Neecy
      Sep 17, 2014 @ 22:48:09

      @ Evia

      BW for the most part offer no kinds of resistance to men (Black men especially) and seem to be more eager to appease men as opposed to themselves.

      Men like challenges.

      BW just come too easy, are too available, and too willing to always appease men, so they are not seen as a prize, challenge or women to work hard at getting.

      That is why its so easy for BM to leave behind their ride and die chick and marry a woman who wouldn’t pay him any attention if he didn’t have his wealth or status. Do you think he or any man cares?! NO! If they did, they wouldn’t marry these women. Then you have angry BW who get mad at these women for “using these BM” and I just laugh at them. Those BM could care less about those mammies trying to protect him from the more smarter and savvy women who are now living the good life.

      And the reason for that is as you said – BW love men too much. It seems BW whole existence revolves around appeasing men and doing whatever it takes to keep one. And that is why we stay loosing the most in relationships.

      Men do not want a kept woman UNLESS he is a loser himself or a sociopath looking to get over and use someone – or he’s a man just looking to pass the time with somebody UNTIL he gets the woman he really wants and has to work for.

      Another thing is this: Men want to be with women who appreciate their masculinity and allow them to be men. Now I don’t mean the man doesn’t know how to be a man. But when I say “allow” I mean not trying to take the role of the male like so many BW do.

      The reason why BM resent BW so much is because BW are always taking on the roles they should be taking on. All this in the name of LOOOOVE. Its crazy because while BM relish in it (because they don’t have to do much work to be a man), they also hate BW for it, because all men want to be with a WOMAN and not a soldier!

      This is the UNAPPEAL of the Black American woman. When you read negative remarks from men across the board on why they “don’t find BW attractive” MASCULINITY is always at the core of WHY.

      BW constant love, soldiering and claiming LOYALTY (by any means necessary) to men & taking the roles of men is because she feels that will place her in a better light with men and she will be rewarded for “riding and dying” for her man.

      But instead it backfires and men resent and actually hate her for it. That is why when a BM gets a little something, he goes for the women who would NEVER be seen on the front lines fighting his battles. LOL And BW can’t seem o open their eyes and see that. The BW, that BM hate so much are the same archetypes of BW we always see fighting their battles, claiming how much they love their “KINGS” and such.

      Meanwhile, when we look at the kinds of BW who are always marching for BM do they ever look like their beloved trophies they adore? NOPE!

      You do not need to PROVE yourself, your loyalty, your love to a man for him to want or love you. We see this so much. When a man wants you all you have to be is attractive, easy to get along with, someone he can feel PROUD of being with, and someone he wants to spend time with. If a man wants to spend his time with a loyal soldier who will fight for him and love him without him having to do much to earn that love, he can get a damn dog or some other kind of loyal pet!

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    • JaliliMaster
      Sep 18, 2014 @ 01:45:36

      “For ex., for best results these days, most 25 year old bw would be better off opting for a “seasoned” man who is closer 40. I posted a couple of Ezine articles about the highly appealing qualities of “seasoned” men last year. But I say this because It’s clear to me that most younger AAbw these days do not have the know-how to win or break even in interactions or relationships with men their age and particularly not bm. Due to a number of factors, bm clearly have the upper hand and plenty of bw are still eyeing bm.”

      I agree with everything else you said apart from the above comment. There is a reason that May-December or December-May relationships/marriages are more likely to end than relationship where the partners are closer in age. The likelihood of a 25 year old woman having enough in common with a 40 year old man is not very high. Also, they are at completely different stages in their lives, and that adds to the potential instability that can occur in these sorts of relationships. Obviously, there are exceptions, but I’m talking about averages. Also, any (younger) woman that wants children, who is getting married to an older man should also take into account that the male biological clock also exists, even though most men like to pretend that it doesn’t. Children born to older fathers are more likely to have behavioural problems, and there is a higher incidence of schizophrenia and autism, amongst other things. This is all irrespective of the age of the mother.

      This is not even taking into account that a man at 40 who s getting married is either (1) divorced, most likely with children, so that is another potential minefield, particularly for a younger, never-married woman; (2) I’m sorry, but in most instances, it is just not normal for a man at that age to never have been married. Depending on the reasons for his extended bachelorhood, there might be other below-surface issues that a younger woman might have more difficulty managing. I am 27, and I can tell you that I am significantly more mature now than I was 2 years ago. Most 40+ men I meet (mostly in a professional setting), even the ones that I become friendly with, on average, the way most women my age would even relate to them i.e the friendship, is quite different than the friendship most of the women my age (and in my professional and social circle) have with men who are closer to our age. For the most part, the sense of humour is very different, they don’t understand many references that you make in friendly conversations etc., because of the generation gap.

      That said, I get put off seeing older men who exclusively date significantly younger women. That tells me that for the most part, they aren’t really serious about looking for a lasting relationship. I have been at social events where I would be chatting to several people. It is evident that two people within that group hit it off, so you begin to back away, as everyone else can tell that these two people have hit it off. Next thing, the man comes to me and starts talking, saying how much we clicked, and whether he could take me to dinner. I am then confused, because I know that we didn’t ‘click’ in any significant degree, and did not have much in common. I am also left wondering what happened to the lady he was talking to and laughing with earlier on. This is a scenario that I have experienced on more than one occasion (at a wedding, professional conferences, a party at my friends office, a former boss’s house warming party, etc). The common denominator in most of these instances was that it was a man in his late 30’s to 40’s, and the woman would also usually be late 30’s to 40’s as well. So I know that the attraction with me has more to do with my age and not my personality (as in most of these cases, I had spent little one-on-one time talking to any of these men).

      Take a look at any of those lonely heart type ads. You would see 40+ men say that they are looking to settle down and start a family with a woman 21 – 40-something, and the upper age limit is always, and I mean always, one year below their age. So this, say, 45 year old man, is not willing to consider dating a 45 year old woman, but expects that a 21 year old, would be the best fit for this ‘settling down’ relationship he says he is finally ready for. It’s at a point now where these 40+ year old men are now even over-looking 35+ women, which is just crazy. In all likelihood, especially at the younger end, the larger the age difference, the less likely they are to have enough in common, be in a similar life stage, be of a suitable matching maturity level, etc, to sustain a long-term relationship.

      So I am not saying that younger bw shouldn’t opt for older men. I just disagree with the premise that they are better off opting for these men, as opposed to those closer to their age.

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      • Evia
        Sep 18, 2014 @ 04:35:55

        @Jalilimaster, this is Part 1 of my response to your comment. I’m going to respond to your comment in parts because there’s are some details I’d like to delve into, which would make a too-lengthy single response.

        First of all, it’s not important to me that anyone agree with everything I say or anything I say because the goal here is not necessarily agreement but to find and illuminate a more viable path for more bw to thrive and live well. Notice I didn’t say ALL bw because there is no one-size- fits-all. Illuminating a more viable path for more bw is the key goal of my writing and sharing. Aside from that, my ego can withstand lots disagreement–since I’ve encountered lots of it in my life. LOL! However, I’m living well whereas it doesn’t make me happy to say that ALL of the many folks offline who disagreed with me the most stridently (who I’m still in contact with) are still scraping and struggling and not doing nearly as well as me or at all, and their children are also struggling. That’s the saddest part. I hate to see young people who are struggling and suffering simply because their parents are stuck on stupid.

        Not being conceited here, but I know I’m “Right” or let’s just say that I know my way will produce massively better results for the greatest number of bw in the U.S. than the kind of thinking and behavior displayed by typical AA women–these days.

        I am wiser than the typical AAbw I encounter offline and online, so I’m simply sharing SOME of the knowledge and wisdom I’ve accumulated. Wisdom is “applied knowledge,” so the wisdom I share on these various sites is based on nuanced common sense that has withstood the test of time–down through the ages. My nuanced common sense has been TESTED and proven to work down through the ages for a large number of women. I didn’t create this knowledge or knowledge; I’m simply sharing it.

        @Neecy, re your super valuable point about the NECESSITY for a woman to maintain her lightheartedness and slimmer figure, I am living proof of the success of that. I went and bought a stylish, but a lil bit skimpy swim suit (lol) yesterday (since Macys had a great end-of-season sale), and I’m going to put it on in a few hours and take my 1-year old granddaughter to her very first “Shrimp” swimming lesson. YAY!

        And I know that my figure will still turn heads because I work out several times a week. Therefore, my body is firm(er) and toned. My figure looks better in that swimsuit than at least 65% of the much younger bw that I see in this area on any given day. That is such a TRAGEDY! So, I’ll end Part 1 by saying, this proves to me that upwardly mobile AAbw (and other bw with a similar failure-prone MENTALITY) are headed for extinction in this country. And this is proven by the stats and by what we see around us anywhere in this country (since i get around) as well as by many of the comments that we read in these various comment sections. Anytime, large numbers of women of any demographic are not mating and reproducing, then that particular demographic is quickly becoming extinct.

        Part 2 is coming no later than tomorrow morning.

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      • Evia
        Sep 18, 2014 @ 11:19:31

        Part 2–Ok–back from the swim class and granddaughter is taking a LONG nap.

        REAL TALK: IMO, most of the AAbw I encounter who claim they want to get married to a CQLL man are very UNREALISTIC in their expectations re meshing with a suitable man of this type and creating a satisfying long term committed relationship. OR, they are lying or extremely confused when they say they want that. Many of them are actually looking for “Mr. Ideal Man” or “Mr. Close to Ideal” and given the lopsidedness of the supply and demand market for such men, only a tiny portion of them are going to get him. I can’t say WHO will get those guys, but I know that it won’t be many of you, just like only a tiny portion people win the powerball lottery. That’s just the reality. Don’t hate the messenger! Most of you are going to keep pulling up an empty net. I don’t like having to point that out, but it seems that some of you are “surprised” when you get older and you’re still not in the relationship you wanted. I hear from bw like that several times a week.

        This discussion re the merits of an older seasoned man as a mate is a case in point. NOWHERE did I say that any of you should rule out men of your age, but obviously some of you are NOT successful in getting those guys to the altar. So, I suggested older seasoned men. Anyone is welcome to trash the idea!

        The older, seasoned man is not considered an Ideal man by many bw, so many bw don’t even consider him. Keep in mind that I KNOW that all older men are not seasoned. But even when the supply and demand in the mating realm are just about equal (and it’s NOT these days in this country), a good amount of women in all groups have married older, seasoned or sometimes just older men. Many women have always traded youth and beauty for security and stability, however, it seems these days that some bw are insulted if an older man is interested in them. LOL. Many younger men and women or same age couples of any age do not mesh; they do not create longterm relationships. So we know that same-age of any age doesn’t make THAT MUCH of a difference in the longevity of the relationship and given the number of upwardly mobile bw who are batting a zero in the dating and marriage arena, I would tell my daughter that she’s crazy if she didn’t include ALL the suitable men who are interested in her in her dating pool. I would strongly urge her to check them all out, at least briefly. What has she got to lose? By suitable, I mean a man who can offer her an appealing package and who is good fatherhood material.

        A typical woman will naturally have proportionally more older men interested in her than younger men in general and for all the reasons that we constantly talk about, yet so many typical bw continue to look for the needle in the haystack: Either Mr. Ideal or Mr Almost Ideal bm. That’s mindboggling to me and FAILURE-PRONE thinking and behavior. That is IF these women actually do want marriage and to be married to a suitable man who is good fatherhood material– before having children.

        What some well-mated women do is find a suitable mature-minded man who is loving and lovable, and who has similar goals for the relationship and they then both hammer out the type of relationship they want, with each of them contributing and compromising, where necessary. He doesn’t have to like doing all the things you like to do and likewise. Your husband doesn’t need to be your BFF. No woman should expect her husband to fulfill all or even most of her social/companionship needs or most of her other needs. But over time, you and your mate find a comfortable, harmonious way of relating to each other. Long term relationships are not about thrills and chills of excitement with him completing your sentences and you both laughing at all the same jokes. That’s the Hollywood and Cosmopolitan Magazine version–NOT reality in the overwhelming most of cases.

        I no longer believe that most bw in the U.S. actually want marriage. Or, they’re not knowledge enough to be in touch with the reality of the whole process of securing a suitable mate.

        Jalilimaster, you seem to be irked that older men are interested in you and other younger women. You don’t know whether those older guys are actually more compatible with those older women they’re chatting and laughing with. It may just seem that way,but it’s perfectly normal for men to try to sex women. The idea may be repulsive to you, but some of those guys may have more in common with YOU. LOL. In my experience, only a small amount of compatibility can be traced to surface traits such as age, race, ethnicity, complexion, and other constructs. That is if individuals are able to cross those borders and open up enough to explore each other. That’s why it’s so tragic that so many blacks and others base so much on these constructs.

        And ALL men are sex hunters to a greater or lesser degree and for most of their lives. So yes, older men do want younger women and what is supremely FAIR about that is that EVERY woman is young and in her prime at one point. LOL It’s no one’s fault that so many adult bw these days keeps holding out for Mr. Ideal or Mr. Almost Ideal. That is failure-prone thinking that’s a part of their indoctrination program.

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        • JaliliMaster
          Sep 18, 2014 @ 18:04:40

          The older, seasoned man is not considered an Ideal man by many bw, so many bw don’t even consider him. Keep in mind that I KNOW that all older men are not seasoned.

          Okay Evia, when you said “seasoned”, I just took it to mean that you were just referring to older men, as opposed to a certain type of older man.

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          • Evia
            Sep 19, 2014 @ 05:41:17

            Jalilimaster, I would hope that anyone who reads my writings for more than a minute would KNOW that to me, QUALITY is not just everything; it’s the ONLY thing that counts. Nothing else even comes close.

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    • neurochick
      Sep 18, 2014 @ 06:08:28

      You’re right about that Evia, though the concept of love was much earlier than Hollywood, but the nineteenth century with the romantics in Europe, but still, it’s a man made concept. People married and partnered up for reasons of survival.

      I have a friend from college who got married a few years ago. Though she and her husband don’t have a lot of money, she’s the type of person who has learned to live without a lot of money and does just fine. What she wanted was someone that she “could just hang out with.” Smart woman. Why? Because she’d rather save money for something important and not blow it on expensive restaurants, clubs and the like. If she met a man who wanted to blow money left and right, even if she was attracted to him, I’m sure she’d curtail her desire to partner with him. So it’s all about self-preservation.

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    • Breanna
      Sep 23, 2014 @ 22:05:44

      Dear Evia, if there is a way I could print out your comment up there and hang it for all black women to see, I would be the happiest woman alive. I appreciate this thread – just one thing – who says women can not date younger men too?! He leaves you for younger – and, now you have his money AND A younger man.
      Sounds good to me. Love is a farce for the most part. And marriage is business. NEXT. 🙂

      Otherwise, carry on.

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  14. Rae
    Sep 17, 2014 @ 11:22:03

    Hi Neecy. I’m and 18 year young black woman who is turning 19 next month who has been lurking on your blog for the past several months during my first year of college and is now in my second year. (started last week). Your blog has solidified everything I’ve been feeling on what is to be a black woman in this world since the age of 12. Like many young black women I have low self esteem and struggle with myself also come from a single mother home. I started to college at 114 pounds and right now I am 140 pounds, you can only imagine the shock that this has caused me. Everyone who knows me personally knows that I’m OBSESSED with my body however the first year of college and transitioning in the real world was difficult for me. Reality set in on being black +a woman which lead to me eating for comfort. I saw how different I was treated, I saw what society, like and dislikes. I’ve also never had a boyfriend because like most of the good black moms I was told to just focus on the books which I see that was not that much good advice at all. I have little idea on how to interact with men on a romantic level because my mom was so focused on me not becoming a ‘fast’ girl. I went to an extremely diverse high school and even took russian language for a year so I am used to being around and interacting with other races of people unlike most black girls. (I live in NYC, which is VEERRYY diverse but VERRRYYY segregated, plus I travel every year!) Other races of young girls seem to ‘have it all’. I think most black young girls are secretly suffering psychologically in an egregious way and no one is hear to help us.I know a lot of black girls are crying to self to sleep like I am. I observe and see it every single day, on the what most of them are eating in public spaces and in college,how most of them dress, and how most of them look overall mentally and physically. Black people have severely downplayed and trivialized the gigantic disgusting impact single mother homes this has had on black children. I also don’t have a very good relationship with my mom (its complex). EVERY SINGLE black young woman I speak to on campus doesnt have a good relationship with their mother. I also think many black women have just internalized ‘the struggle’ and suffer from post traumatic disorder and depression. Anway starting tomorrow I go on a diet to get back to my natural weight. I have a thin built and am 5’6 1/2, I don’t have the stereotypical black girl body and have an hourglass shape and small boobs so my shirts all still fit but feel tighter!. everything i tell someone im 140 lbs, they get shocked because i dont look it! lol everytime went to my hips and cheeks! and my jeans dont fit :/ trust me 15 pounds makes A HUGE DIFFERENCE. But thank you so much for this blog, I needed to read everything and swallow this hard pill. After I lose some weight next year 2015 I’m going to start seeing a therapist. Again, thank you so much because you are making a difference. Unfortunately,I see a dire and dark future for most black women if things don’t change soon. I agree with 99% of the things you write! ty!

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    • Neecy
      Sep 18, 2014 @ 00:21:48

      Hi RAE!!!

      Ok I am going to break up my post to you in several posts to address the things you wrote in your post.

      First. Take a deep breath! YOU WILL BE OKAY!. Say that to yourself. LOL You are like so many other young women in the world and you are not alone. All you need is PERSPECTIVE and you will be fine. But you have to believe it.

      Ok First.

      The good news is you are still sooooo young! You still have plenty time to turn your life and image of yourself around. You are also at a great age where you are at the TOP OF THE HEAP in the dating arena and in so many other areas of life. 19? Pssh! Girl if ONLY I could be 19 again. Relish in it because you got a whole decade and then some on your side when it comes to love and being sought after and life in general.

      Also. You are young in a time where you have BW like the BWE bloggers who have enlightened you and have told you to expand your options EARLY and stop limiting yourself. When I was 19 I wish I had someone to enlighten me that early on, because my life would have probably taken a different path had I had the knowledge that you are getting now on how to improve and live the best life as a BW that you can.

      You still have room to make mistakes and correct them. You still have room to grow and explore. So please understand you are actually in a GREAT place right now. You are also in college. College was the best years of my life. But unfortunately for me, I was not the Neecy I am now. I was still very much Black identified and certainly not even aware of the plight against BW at that time. But I had a blast!

      You also should relish in the fact that you are on the CUSP of changing times for BW who are tired and ready to live life to the fullest! You should actually be excited for yourself.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 18, 2014 @ 00:22:14

      ABOUT THE WEIGHT GAIN

      Sweetie, you ever heard the term “the freshman 20”? YES its real and many girls of all races have experienced weight gain their first couple years of college. Its actually VERY common (so common that term was created) because this is the first time you are away from home and probably eating all kinds of bad foods because (1) its easy and cheap (2) that’s what college students do – eat crappy foods.

      I literally gained the “freshman 20” pounds my first year of college. Then as time went on I was able to get it back down because I was really overly concerned about my appearance, body and dating life.

      Now that you are aware of your eating habits and weight gain and want to do something about it – ANOTHER good thing working in your favor!

      Now you have so much at your fingertips in terms of healthy ways to lose weight on the internet etc. The internet was barely gaining traction when I was in college. It wash;t until AFTER college that the internet had exploded. So use everything you can to learn about healthy diets.

      I believe the paleo is the best diet for AA women because our ancestors were not carb eaters. Our ancestors are plant and meat eaters. I have just started this way of eating and I feel so much better. Try to stay away from as much dairy and bad carbs as possible.

      I can tell you a thin or in good shape young girl in her 20’s has the world as her oyster. I can bet all those Non BW you see having it all, are in their best shape and are just care free. You can do it to. You as well other young BW may have to fake it at first because there is so much thrown our way that its hard to be care free, but if you keep pretending to be and keep practicing it, you will eventually GET to a point where you truly are care free.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 18, 2014 @ 00:22:48

      RE: NON BLACK GIRLS HAVING IT ALL

      You know who looks like they have it all? That young Black girl in the first selfie pic I posted at the bottom of my post. She looks SINCERELY Full of joy and beauty! You can HAVE IT ALL TOO!

      SHE epitomizes what a young Black girl should be emanating in look IMO. I’m sure that girl in the selfie has a pretty active dating life with plenty of men of all races dying to date her. I love that photo because she is smiling with her eyes, cute but still sexy without being skanky and just has a joy to her face that you don’t often see with many BW today. I love that photo so much because she is the anti thesis of what everyone expects and wants BW to look like. And she looks thin too which helps even more.

      But you have to believe you are WORTHY of it First. Then you have to take the steps that will get you to having what it is you want. For every woman that may be different.

      While I don’t believe NON Black girls have it all, I do believe they are simply better able to live their lives as care free as possible without feeling a need to carry everyone’s burdens on their shoulders. Usually when a Non Black girls has issues, they are HER OWN. She is fighting her OWN demons – not her mommas, daddy, race of men or community. Its a lot easier to overcome a challenge when its simply YOURS. Its pretty hard when you are trying to be everyone else’s savior like so many Black women and girls do with NO reciprocation whatsoever.

      Black women are worn down and tired from all the expectations for her to be there for everyone and to live up to everyone’s STANDARDS they have made for her. Once you release yourself from feeling it is your sole existence to carry everyone and cape and mammy for them, you will feel free and a lot happier in general. You will want to look your best.

      So While NON Black girls of course don’t face what BW face on a daily basis, young BW only have two choices – to live life in spite of or to let life live you.

      I know its tough, but you have to work hard everyday to do something to keep your joy. If you have to fake it, then do it until you make it to the point where its real! Find what it is that makes you warm and fuzzy to your core. And embrace it everytime you feel sad, lonely or depressed. And every time you feel sad, lonely or depressed, do something to make yourself look or feel good.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 18, 2014 @ 00:23:09

      APPEARANCE
      YOU SAID:
      I know a lot of black girls are crying to self to sleep like I am. I observe and see it every single day, on the what most of them are eating in public spaces and in college,how most of them dress, and how most of them look overall mentally and physically.
      you pointed out something that I have also noticed with many young BW. And while I can empathize and understand as a BW who knows what BW are up against on the daily, something has to be done to change that or you will waste your youth and prime years away.

      Honestly that is what happened to me and I do not want that to happen to other young Black girls if I can help it. I spent my mid 20’s and 30’s being FAT and just not taking care of myself. I got depressed after leaving college and moving back to California. My social life took a complete nose dive and I didn’t know how to handle or deal with it. All my friends lived out of the state. I was just working and trying to find myself and just let myself go. Just not giving a damn.

      And while I ma not COMPLETELY where I want to be, I am definitely in a better place. But now I’m 40 and realize I wasted so many years not giving a damn about my appearance. And that time goes by so fast and you cannot get it back. So please heed my warning and fix yourself NOW while you have time to be come a new person.

      This is an area YOUNG PRIME BW need to step up their game – appearance. I’m not saying you need to be high maintenance. But BW need a physical make over to be more appealing to the opposite sex and to other races. And I see waaay too many plain Jane young Black girls or simply fat and dopey Black girls.

      I’m not saying that if you hate make up or cute clothes to do it if that is just not you. But somethings gotta give. You are 19. Relish in it! Look at how the young Non Black attractive girls with great social lives and b/f’s are dressing and COPY THEM!

      I’m not trying to sound shallow, but honestly I think what the hell have you got to lose? In fact, if I were a 19 or 20 something year old Black girl in these times, my body, clothes would be on point. I would have a mix of girl next door appeal to my look.

      When you focus on your needs and self you to will look like you have it all. If you allow yourself to deal with people who have limited views and focus (the majority of zombie lost BW) then you will be depressed.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 18, 2014 @ 00:23:43

      LONLINESS

      Are there any BW you see on campus who you think you can befriend and who would share your goals? I notice you said you see other Black girls who look lonely and depressed. Maybe just try reaching out to them when you see them on campus. Strike up a convo. Come right out with it and ask how they feel about being a BW in current society today. You may be shocked they will share your sentiments. And then check the mentality. Are they still black identified women who want to harp on BM and what BM are doing? – or are they BW who are ready to expand their lives and options but just don’t know how? Then lead them to the BWE bogs.

      Also find some genuinely sincere and good Non Black female friends if you can. Ones that CARE about you and not ones who see you as the non threatening asexual sidekick. Since you have experience in diverse settings, this should be easy for you. This will open your social life greatly since Non Black women tend to have busy social lives in general. Honestly, most of my social outings are with my Non Black friends.

      So my advice would to be find easy going friendly non Black women to hang out with. You will also be exposed to other races of men in more natural ways this way because that is mostly who these women will be mingling and interacting with.

      The thing about Non BW is tricky. You just have to find the *RIGHT* kinds. Not all of them are going to be great friends for a BW. But there are some out there who truly and genuinely will care about you as their friend. But you just have to vet them properly. Once you find one, they will help your social life dramatically.

      I have a very good Non Black friend who by default of being with and around her, I have been introduced to her other close friends etc. Now every time there is something going on, I get invited.

      But you just have to be careful because some Non Black women will be threatened by a Black girl with her confidence, body and attitude. A lot of Non Black women are not comfy around Black women who do not fit into the bad stereotypes that they benefit from.

      How you will know if she is trull concerned for you is she will ENCOURAGE you to look and be your best. THOSe are the only kinds of female friends you should interact with. The minute you sense they are trying to discourage your efforts at looking better and being positive, drop them like a hot potato.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 18, 2014 @ 00:24:06

      BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MOM

      Sadly, I am seeing and hearing this more and more from this current generation of young BW. I definitely think it has a lot to do with the single mother phenomenon and many Black single mothers being resentful of their daughters. Society and the Black community keeps lying to BW telling them and praising them for raising kids alone. That is nothing to be PROUD OF. And we are now seeing the results of it. Many Black single mothers are ANGRY, BITTER about their lives and are taking that out on their Black daughters – especially the Black daughters who are going to college and have plenty of opportunities they did not have.

      I realized this when I was on another BW blog and saw all the comments from young BW on how they had such bad relationships with their mothers. I was really shocked. Rarely did you hear of this in my generation. But my generation mainly came from 2 parent and/or divorced homes. But even in divorce the father was usually still present. That is completely different from being raised in a single mothered household with no father present.My parents divorced when I was very young, but my dad was still and integral part of my life.

      The issue is your mom as well as other Black girls mothers who are having bad relations with their mothers, is – your mom probably deep down resents you and the potential you have to live a better life than she did. PERIOD.

      And guess what? NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!! You don’ owe your mother anything. She made the decision to have you and raise you in a single parent household. Her life choices were HERS and she needs to accept and deal with it. You may love your mother because she is your mother, but you certainly do not have to put up with being around her f she is not supportive of you.

      If that means breaking the chain if she is not willing to work on improving her relationship with you, then so be it!

      Its unfortunate it would have to come to that, because every girl should have a mother who she can count on to be in her corner. but it seems a lot of bitter BW who made bad choices are not able or willing to do that for their own daughters out of pure jealousy and envy. Thats her problem – NOT YOURS.

      Understand you deserve the best life for yourself and you deserve to seek it and GET IT without fear and guilt. And if momma does;t want to join you on that train, then she has to step to the side.

      I don’t know if you are spiritual or religious, but if so, you just gotta throw that and leave it in God’s hands and do you.

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      • neurochick
        Sep 19, 2014 @ 08:14:05

        Neecy:

        You know something, I’m glad you brought up the single mother issue. IMO, that is the reason so many BW don’t know what to do in relationships; they never saw on growing up. Growing up, I saw two, my parents and then when my dad died (he was a lot older than mom), she had a boyfriend for many years. I think a lot of young BW are growing up not seeing relationships between men and women at all. That is why I think relationships are difficult for young BW.

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        • Rae
          Sep 19, 2014 @ 09:25:18

          Yes this is extremely difficult. Most of my friends and I either had
          1. Single mother
          2. Living with grandparents that were more like their friends
          3. Had both mom and dad in the house but it was extremely dysfunctional such as witnessing extramarital affairs.
          All of my black friends that had two parents in the house were just living together… like strangers. It sucks that so many of us have been born into this situation. So many black young women see this as normal. I haven’t because my mom is only one of two single mothers in my whole entire family. I come from a family of professionals and majority of cousins have mom and dad.

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    • Neecy
      Sep 18, 2014 @ 00:26:07

      SEEING A THERAPIST

      BINGO! I love you said this! This is going to be key to many young BW’s ability to learn how to love yourself and gain constructive tactical ways in which you can do this. Do not be discouraged if you have to go through a couple therapists before you find the right one you feel a connection with. But the fact you have that in your head is a GOOD THING because a therapist is TRAINED to help you work through these issues in the most practical and successful way possible. That is what they are there for.

      LAST.

      You truly have it made. You already travel, you have the fortitude to mingle in diverse settings, you’re 19 and JUST BEGINNING, you have the right mind and understand something is wrong and also understand what you need to do to fix it, you have all kinds of enlightening tools at your fingertips with the BWE blogs.

      Girl, you are good. Just own it!!

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      • Rae
        Sep 19, 2014 @ 09:21:27

        Neecy thank you for all this advice! like I said, I turn 19 next month and I really want to drop 30 pounds by February next year! It’s so hard mentally because of me struggling with myself. But I strongly believe my main goal before I meet anyone and move onto a next chapter in my life is to WORK ON MYSELF mentally and physically. A lot of black women need to do that. Love starts from within. It’s just difficult when you’ve received messages from the world for over a decade that you’re physically inferior and worthless… I know I have what it takes to combat this lie the world has been telling young black women like myself!

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        • Rae
          Sep 19, 2014 @ 09:31:09

          Also I so agree with you that some black women should go across the pond meaning go abroad. I’ve been thinking about my future for the past several months on how my future is going to loom as a black women in the states and honestly I get anxiety thinking about it. I WILL be going abroad for my masters in Europe in the future and hope to settle down there in my 20’s and gladly I have my mothers full support. Although my mother and I have a complex relationship she has ALWAYS been honest and candor about how terrible the black community is and not to revel in it, she wants me to not become apart of it but I do at times thinks she envy the opportunities that are awaiting for me. It’s hard not to be bitter when you’ve been hurt and betrayed like so many black women have so I do give her grace at times.

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          • foosrock!
            Sep 19, 2014 @ 11:06:44

            Hi Rae
            If you want, please get my email from Neecy and your mother and I can start corresponding, re: you want to live across the pond, while pursuing your education. I’m more than willing to help in whatever way possible for young black women to achieve ALL.

            @ Neecy, please give Rae my email address. Cheers

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            • Rae
              Sep 19, 2014 @ 13:54:15

              I don’t need your email now! haha (: I’m a sophomore in college. For my masters I would love to go abroad! Plus I have family in London but I would definitely to contact you in the future! I hope Neecy doesn’t stop this blog because its helping me! My number one thing I need to do right now is drop 30 pounds! lol

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  15. Shaylah
    Sep 18, 2014 @ 07:13:29

    Neecy, everything you told the young lady was right on. Maybe some her friends can get together and log on to have a BWE party so speak. She can invite other black women on her campus and look at your site, Evia’s site and Khadija site because theirs and yours are the start to therapy but not the end. Also she should considering getting a passport because some if not a lot of Black Women have not even left the country. I am finishing mines and have to start to looking where I am going first. She is at the BEST TIME OF HER LIFE. This is why when you are single with no children you can navigate a lot easier. That doesn’t means if you have kids you can’t do things, but you have FREEDOM LIKE NEVER BEFORE. So use this time as find who you are and you will have a good word for us and how things worked out and you will become an example for other Black women not only on your campus but in your family.

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  16. APA
    Sep 18, 2014 @ 07:30:29

    Evia,

    I agree with you somewhat regarding your advice about how young BW who still want to keep BM in their dating pools should target older BM in their mid-30s to 40s. My girlfriends who are ages mid- to late-20s and have married BM who are “good catches” (i.e. great career, family-oriented, etc.) married men who were about 10-12 years older than them. These men were not previously married and didn’t have any out of wedlock children. I’ve even had BM tell me that if a BW wants to increase her odds of marrying before 35 and insists upon marrying a BM then she needs to seek out older, more mature men. Part of the reason is that successful BM have no incentive to settle down with a BW during their youth because they can get many beautiful, accomplished, and desperate BW willing to cater to their every need. For the most part, the only time a high-achieving BM will consider settling down before the age of 30 is if he meets his trophy/ideal woman who is usually exotic-looking, light skin, non-black, etc. It is only when BM are much older that they consider settling down if they are somewhat family-minded.

    As a result, BW need to include all men in their dating pools if they are serious about settling down before 35 as well as marry men who are closer to them in age. Dating a high-achieving BM when he is young will most likely result in you being strung along for 5-10 years while he has fun, enjoys life, and waits for something better to come along, while wasting your youth. Instead, get with these BM when they are actually ready to settle down in their 40s. Basically, date non-black men closer to your age, and date BM who are significantly older than you if you are looking for a long-term relationship that leads to marriage.

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  17. neurochick
    Sep 18, 2014 @ 11:55:21

    Evia, what BW feel isn’t love IMO, it’s dependency, people pleasing, too much, “like me, love me, I’ll die if you don’t like me.”

    The concept of romance began with the romantics in the 19th century in Europe, romantic poets, writers, etc. Marriage was about survival, joining of two families, power, etc.

    Evia is very right, I read “Is Marriage For White People,” the book is very enlightening. I wish it had been written when I was younger, though when I was younger, things were very different. Anyway, what the book says is that BM have zero incentive to marry, they have too many options and the more money a BM makes, the less he wants to marry. If a BM is young, he won’t want to marry because there are scores of women after him.

    And another thing for BW, stop with, “He’s gotta be FINE.” Stop with that nonsense. Looks fade, everybody gains weight, everybody gets old. If you marry looks, looks will be all you get.

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    • JaliliMaster
      Sep 18, 2014 @ 18:11:49

      And another thing for BW, stop with, “He’s gotta be FINE.” Stop with that nonsense. Looks fade, everybody gains weight, everybody gets old. If you marry looks, looks will be all you get.

      I once made a similar comment on another site, and from some of the BW’s reactions, you would think I had kidnapped somebody’s newborn baby! I find this mindset in many BW particularly annoying especially as many of them have this attitude of “he should love me for me” whenever the talk of accentuating/improving ones’ appearance, losing weight etc, to improve their dating and mating chances/options is raised.

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  18. APA
    Sep 19, 2014 @ 06:25:36

    Evia:

    You said, “REAL TALK: IMO, most of the AAbw I encounter who claim they want to get married to a CQLL man are very UNREALISTIC in their expectations re meshing with a suitable man of this type and creating a satisfying long term committed relationship. OR, they are lying or extremely confused when they say they want that.”

    Can you (or anyone else) elaborate about what you mean about BW having unrealistic expectations about attracting and maintaining relationships with CQLL men?

    Some of the elders in my life have mentioned that I should think of short list of the preferred qualities that I want in a mate if a man meets a good number of those qualities (like 3 out of 5) then I should consider him marriage material. If he meets less than half of those qualities, then I need to move on. My aunt was telling me that is rare that a woman will meet a man that has every single quality that she wants in a mate, so I should be careful not to reject nice guys over superficial or minor issues like looks.

    Evia and anyone else:

    Also, what do you think are the best methods for meeting CQLL men if you feel like your options are limited in your current social circle?

    I ask because people will often say BW are doing wrong, but it is difficult to find practical information. I’ve met nice guys in all types of places. However, I want to spend my time in places and events that are more likely to yield results. The last guy that I dated (like last month) was a PhD student that I met when I went to a local restaurant for a late night snack with my roommate. We talked, and he asked for my number. We went out on a few of dates, but I decided to stop seeing him because dude was only interested in casual relationships, which I picked up on from his behavior as well as the fact that his online dating profile (which my friend found) said that he was only interested in casual dating. In addition, I felt that the way he talked to me was disrespectful at times, and when I mentioned this to him, he was dismissive. I want a long-term relationship, so I felt like it was best that I didn’t waste my time.

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    • JaliliMaster
      Sep 19, 2014 @ 08:13:40

      Also, what do you think are the best methods for meeting CQLL men if you feel like your options are limited in your current social circle?

      For me, the first thing I would do would be to expand said social circle. I think many women (not just BW) have this idea that they would meet that special someone in some type of romantic setting, or in a purely social situation. I am using the examples I see around me, and I assume it is not that different in most other cases, but most of the married people I know met their partners either at or through work, someone they knew in college, friend of a friend from college, or someone they met via family or other friends (i.e could be through sharing similar hobbies, having an overlapping social circle, etc). Most of these relationships didn’t start because they bumped into each other at a party, or their eyes met whilst walking on the pavement.

      When I hear many BW complaining about their lack of relationship prospects, the one difference I notice, compared to when other non-Black women make similar complaints, is that these other women usually say that all or most of their friends are already married, engaged or in the type of relationship that seems to be headed in that direction. In the case of most BW, they tend to say that most of their friends are in a similar situation to them. I think that is another drawback that hampers BW when it comes to finding a partner. If several of your friends (whether male or female) are married or near that point in their relationships, the likelihood is that anyone they introduce you to, even just casually, would be similar situated and of a similar mindset. I know of several male acquaintances of mine who were of the “I won’t marry till I’m old and balding” variety. Then one day, they look around, and many of their male friends are married or engaged, and they all of a sudden start to desire to have that type of a relationship. It is a type of social conditioning.

      So I am not saying that you should change your social circle per say, but that expanding it would certainly help, and there is the potential to meet people (it doesn’t even necessarily have to be more than friends. You could meet someone with whom you become good friends, and they have a friend/acquaintance that they then introduce you to, etc). Similarly, once you get to 25+, if you find that you aren’t attending quite a few weddings routinely, that might be an early indication that your social circle is not very marriage-minded.

      At the office, if they are having drinks after work, try to go as often as possible. This would help you develop your work relationships beyond the basic level, and could provide an opportunity to see whether there might be someone who you might have overlooked as a ‘potential’, and see whether something more could happen (obviously, work-place relationships may come with their own particular dynamic, but that’s a different discussion). Even if nothing further develops, it is always a good idea to be able to have a friendlier relationship with ones’ colleagues, and superiors, as this tends to help in career progression.

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    • JaliliMaster
      Sep 19, 2014 @ 09:42:21

      Can you (or anyone else) elaborate about what you mean about BW having unrealistic expectations about attracting and maintaining relationships with CQLL men?

      I cannot speak for what anyone else’s definition of ‘unrealistic expectations’ is, but I will answer your question based on what I have seen and heard many BW say and write online.

      The two most common ones I hear, are he must be ‘foine’, and he has to have ‘swagger’. Neither of these two qualities would make a man a better partner in any way, but it seems that for some BW, it is a deal breaker. For AA women specifically, I hear many of them say that they want a man with muscles. I’m not just talking about a man who is fit, but actual bulging muscles, like those players in the NFL, or a heavyweight boxer. That is something that for me, personally, I don’t actually find particularly attractive, so it might have more to do with personal taste. However, if it is so important to a woman that the person she dates be a gym rat, then it is silly if she does not go the gym regularly herself.

      I like athletic men. I don’t mean the pump and lift weights every day, live off protein shakes type, but the more outdoorsy, ‘activities’ type. Fortunately, because I am an outdoors, sporty, adventurous-type as well, most of the men in my social circle are of a similar vein. Off the top of my head, about 80% of the people I have met in the past year, both male and female, have been through me taking part in some type of sport or activity. Now, if my preference was for that type of man, but I myself didn’t engage in any of those things myself, what would have been the probability of me meeting someone of that variety?

      Another thing I hear a lot is ‘oooh, he must be tall’. Now, I like a tall man myself, but most men are not 6ft 3. In fact, the average male height in most western countries is around 5′ 9″ – 5′ 10″. So if a man being below 6ft is a deal breaker, you are eliminating the vast majority of men from your dating pool.

      In terms of what a man brings to the table, others may disagree with me, but if he is not in a suitable position to provide for a family, I do not believe he has any business getting married. That said, we should remember that as we are vetting men, they (if they are quality men themselves), are vetting you also. It is worth spending some time to take into account what you, as a woman, are bringing to the table. If all that you have to offer is that you are a sane female, you will find that you are having many short term relationships with men who you ‘thought were good guys’. You may feel that they used you to fulfil their short-term needs, which they may have. However, they might have also been using that time to vet you, and decided that you were not for them. If you find that this happens again and again, particularly if these men go on to marry in the near future, you should ask your male friends whether you come across to them as ‘girlfriend material’, ‘wife material’ etc, and see what they say. Many women behave in ways within a relationship, that most sensible men would realise is not conducive to a lasting partnership. Also, asking your exes about you might also help to shed more light on what perception it is that you are giving off that influences them away from taking the relationship further.

      I just don’t think that having list after list of what you want in a partner is a healthy approach. Obviously, we should all have standards, but ensure that the standards you expect/demand in your mate, you meet them yourself as well. Remember that on average, the more desirable you find a man, especially taking these surface traits into account, the more desirable many other women find him also. So if he has to check all the boxes, even the somewhat inconsequential ones, he is going to be a very hard guy to find. Granted, that dream man may exist, but he too might have an idea of his ‘dream woman’, and there is no guarantee that you are it. Meanwhile,all around you, there are quality men who are interested, but because he doesn’t look like a model, his hair is thinning, isn’t ripped, is not into the same things you are into (and I will mention that I have never dated a man who had the exact same tastes as me, whether music, films, hobbies, or even foods etc), or he doesn’t fit your warped sense of over masculine, you decide that he isn’t right. In ten years time, that ‘hot’ guy is not going to look that much different than the average looking one does. Once again, others might disagree, but the actual material tangibles a man brings to the table (and in this instance, yes, I am talking about his ability to provide a comfortable life for you), should rate much higher. Some men (and some women too) like to call this ‘shallow’, a woman placing value in a mans’ financial situation. I just think it is wise, but that is just me.

      I was once on a date (I think it might have been the third date) with a man. During the conversation, I can’t remember what led to him stating that he knows that a girl like me would never have dated him in high school. I remember finding this strange, that he was still so hung up about his lack of dating opportunities in his teens and early adulthood. He was now at a point with me where he felt more comfortable expressing his inner thoughts, and obviously, I was willing to listen to figure out who he really was. I asked him whether he had any female friends at school, and he said that he had several. He said that he had opportunities to date them. However, he didn’t want to date them because they were, and these are his own words. “low hanging fruit”. I could sense a deep resentment that the girls he wanted, he could not get, and the girls that wanted him, he didn’t want. Bear in mind that this was a successful and reasonably attractive man. He could not get over the fact that some guys were desirable to certain girls when they were young, but he had to, in his mind, actually become successful and prove himself, before those same girls were willing to date him. Before this date, I thought he was a good catch, but after that, I could see how bitter he still was, and the following day, when he called me, I told him that it wasn’t working out. My point is that in high school and college, he had certain expectations for his desired girlfriend, that he did not meet himself. Granted, those were mainly superficial, but I tend to expect that from high school teens and young college students. He still had those superficial expectations/deal-breakers, but he couldn’t see that though he might meet those standards now, he was lacking in so many other aspects. This might have been due to his lack of dating experience when he was in college, and the fact that despite his success, he was still so bitter. This individual was white, but I have seen a similar mindset in many BM online, who blame the fact that the ‘dymes’ BGs didn’t date them in highschool, preferring the ‘baller’ types, so they now only date IR. When you point out to them that there would have been many Black girls who were not the dymes, but were the sweet, everyday girls, willing to date them, they have no response.

      So this attitude of having unrealistic expectations of attracting the opposite sex for relationships, also applies to men, but it can sometimes be more problematic for women. Men can gamble that if they ‘hold out’, they might hit the jackpot and some woman way out of their league would pay them attention, or they dream that they would make a lot of money and have women throw themselves at them. Life rarely turns out this way for them, and they eventually settle down with the woman they have. For women, particularly if you want children, you have a smaller window to be able to do this comfortably, so having these ‘dream/ideal man’ type of expectations and deal breakers can blow up in your face unexpectedly.

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      • neurochick
        Sep 19, 2014 @ 11:12:48

        @JaliliMaster:

        Oh you are right about, “he’s got of have swagger.” Maybe I wanted that once…when I was sixteen, but not so much now.

        As women we may need to vet ourselves before we vet any men and ask, “Am I the best partner I can be?”

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      • neurochick
        Sep 19, 2014 @ 11:17:20

        JaliliMaster:

        One more thing:

        If you’re out on a date with a man over the age of 35 who is STILL hung up over what happened in high school, that might not be the man for you. At some point, you have to make peace with your past, realize that you didn’t get what you wanted and that’s okay, that maybe if you did get what you wanted, you wouldn’t be the person you are now. High school can be a terrible place, but if you’re still obsessed with it after being out of hs for 20 years or so, not a good look, at least IMO.

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  19. Evia
    Sep 19, 2014 @ 08:13:37

    Frankly, APA, you sound like a young’un (lol), so I can’t say where the best place is to physically meet quality men THESE DAYS. I think that these days, if I were a late-20s, early 30ish woman and seriously wanted to marry in the next year or two, I’d somehow get the money and (1) find a recommended matchmaker and at the same time, (2) I’d use online dating sites since that exposes women to the widest selection of men globally. I wouldn’t take anything that any man said or did or didn’t say or do personally. (3) I would also set up my life so that I could spend time outside this country for portions of the year, since I live in the U.S. Don’t know where you live, but IMO, there is simply too much racial poison in the air here. You can be a totally wonderful bw who is very much interested in non-bm and a quality, non-black guy can be a wonderful man who is very much interested in bw and may be around you quite often, BUT because of the race thing, y’all will most likely never make contact with each other.

    Along with these suggestions, (4) I would also go out as often as possible and have many broadening experiences since I love doing that and the type of man I prefer is a broadly-experienced, broad-minded man. Much here depends on the type of men YOU like. (5) If I believed that cosmetic surgery or other cosmetic enhancement could help me to more easily find the ONE and seal the deal, I would certainly pursue that route. And since appearance and personality are important factors and since I see entirely too many gloomy, drab-looking YOUNG bw dressed in black and gray, practically everywhere I go, and MOST of them are not accentuating their best features, I’d (6) go to a highly recommended stylist to help me with that.

    To the maximum extent possible, I would try to do ALL of these concurrently– not sequentially.

    A lot about the whole process of pair-bonding has to do with the kind of woman YOU are what you’re comfortable doing. A few women I’ve heard from have had a very good experience with matchmakers, others not so good. Most women I’ve heard from have had the most success via online dating. LOTS of those relationships resulted in marriage.

    Many men are not relationship oriented these days, lack relationship skills, don’t know how to project themselves in a relationship way, and/or are also unrealistic.So if you meet a man who has an appealing package to offer, YOU may need to take charge in a subtle way of course and steer the relationship. Women have been doing that for centuries.

    And I don’t mean to offend anyone, but some women are severely lacking in critical presentation and social skills since they’ve been pressured during their prime social skills learning period of life to keep their heads in the books and are thus underexposed and under-skilled socially. Other women need therapy due to unresolved issues that block them and because a certain amount of needed self-esteem is lacking. It does no good to go to another country or go out a lot if you’re the type of woman who’s scared to talk to men or can’t make eye contact with men–due to lack of social skills, low self-esteem, or unresolved issues from the past.

    Of the women I’ve met and talked with at length offline, I can pretty much pinpoint why they have a problem meeting and sealing the deal with men, but online, I can’t do that.

    I also have to point out that everything I’ve suggested above has been suggested MANY times before on virtually all of the BWE sites and discussed to the point of nausea. I realize that some bw are still paralyzed and some are not even trying to do much of anything differently, but some bw have made big changes but are still struggling with this at such a primary level! That tells me that something else MAJOR is occurring; some thing or a variety of things that are very subtle and nuanced–that works to block mating success for many of you. Still, SOME bw are succeeding at this. Study them!

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    • Ava
      Sep 22, 2014 @ 06:49:32

      “I realize that some bw are still paralyzed and some are not even trying to do much of anything differently, but some bw have made big changes but are still struggling with this at such a primary level! ”

      Or maybe some BW are expecting too much. There are not enough rich WM in the world for all the black, white, Asian and other women who want one. In fact, there are not enough working class white men for all the women who want one.The competition is stiff. Millions of women of all races around the world want to marry white men in order to have a better life. This is a fact.

      The most popular BWE bloggers are women like you who constantly talk about how well they are living, that they have a white husband who can provide so well for them they don’t have to work. Many of the BW who can’t find a white mate are holding out for the upper class or wealthy white men that BWE bloggers like you have. Because BWE has told them that they have as good a chance or better as white and Asian women of getting a rich WM, they are waiting for a Peter Norton, Roland Betts or Prince Maximilian. At the very least, they want a guy who earns six figures, so they don’t have to work. After all, they deserve to live well simply because they are BW and all rich white men prefer BW. Pictures of black women married to wealthy WM cause BWE followers to further retreat into their fantasy world of becoming a white man’s princess.

      Only about 4% of the people in this country earn more than $250,000 a year and many of them are women. A woman is lucky to find a man of ANY age who is earning $70,000 to $100,000 per year. Twenty-five percent of white women earn more than their husbands. There are fewer marriageable WM than WW and the ratio is worse when you include the non-white women who want WM. It is pretty arrogant of BW to think that they will displace ALL white and non-black women to get all the rich WM. And even if BW got all the rich WM, there still would be many BW without a rich WM.

      All Asian women married to white men are not “living well”. Again BWE women like to focus on the few Asian women (Julie Chen, Wendy Deng etc) who are married to famous wealthy WM and ignore the overwhelming majority of Asian women who are married to middle class WM and who have to work to help support their families.

      I live in an upper middle class white neighborhood (I am a BW) and none of the WW I know would get huge cash settlements or thousands of dollars per month in child support if their marriages ended. The money simply isn’t there. The ones who were stay-at-home moms went back to work as soon as their children entered school. Some place their children in day care a few hours per day or week so they can work part time because they don’t want to be absent from the work force for many years.

      So maybe BWE bloggers should portray a more realistic picture of the dating world and the type of men who are available. 99% of BW will have to settle for an ordinary middle class guy of any race. Some will get the wealthy bankers and millionaires and a few will get princes, aristocrats or billionaires. Also, since there are more women than quality men, many BW will never find a quality mate. Every aspiring athlete cannot make it to the Olympics and every athlete who makes it to the Olympics cannot bring home a medal. We should stop assuming that BW who have not found a “quality” WM is doing something wrong.

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      • Karen
        Sep 22, 2014 @ 11:49:45

        @Ava,

        As someone married to a “regular guy” and based on the BWE bloggers that I have followed such as Khadija, the focus has been on “Quality” and not the size of the person’s bank account. That person should be able to provide, protect, produce and problem-solve. The financial part is for every individual person to decide for themselves, but I personally would never be involved with someone who I had to financially support. I would expect that person to be financially self-sufficient (notice I did not say rich). Both of you should have shared goals and be willing to work together to get there.

        I also agree that a woman should have her own

        To all the ladies out there that are currently searching for a partner, I can only advise to focus on what is important to you, have boundaries, work on any personal issues you may have that you feel my be limiting you as has been stated from others above.

        Just my two cents and best wishes to you!

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      • JaliliMaster
        Sep 22, 2014 @ 13:52:48

        “All Asian women married to white men are not “living well”. Again BWE women like to focus on the few Asian women (Julie Chen, Wendy Deng etc) who are married to famous wealthy WM and ignore the overwhelming majority of Asian women who are married to middle class WM and who have to work to help support their families.”

        There is quite a difference between ‘living well’ and ‘living in luxury’. For me, ‘living well’, just represents a comfortable life, without too much constant stressing over financial issues, living in a safe neighbourhood, the children go to good schools (whether state or private), etc, and you can afford to treat yourselves every once in a while (holidays, shorter-term trips, family outings, the odd ‘purchase’ here-and-there), etc.

        ________________________________________

        So maybe BWE bloggers should portray a more realistic picture of the dating world and the type of men who are available. 99% of BW will have to settle for an ordinary middle class guy of any race. Some will get the wealthy bankers and millionaires and a few will get princes, aristocrats or billionaires. Also, since there are more women than quality men, many BW will never find a quality mate. Every aspiring athlete cannot make it to the Olympics and every athlete who makes it to the Olympics cannot bring home a medal. We should stop assuming that BW who have not found a “quality” WM is doing something wrong.

        ‘Quality’ does not mean rich. It doesn’t mean conventionally physically attractive. It has nothing to do with superficial traits either. Others might have a different definition, but mine is simply ‘Quality man = high value man = character + constitution (inner, mental, psychological, intellectual, etc). Character has to do with/influences who he is, i.e how he treats you (and others), whilst constitution influences what he can do for you i.e will he be a positive addition to your life.

        A man can be very successful, be able (and willing) to provide you with all you need and want. However, if the character is not there, he is not ‘quality’. To some, he may be a good catch, but we all have our own standards about how we judge these things. Similarly, you might meet a great guy, who is really sweet, friendly, etc, but he just so happens to be one of life’s’ losers/victims. Struggles to get/hold down a decent job, struggles to equip himself with the necessary tools (education, qualifications, apprenticeships, job experience, personality, etc) that would enable him to progress in life. Now, he might be of good character, but to me (and once again, others are entitled to disagree), he is not what I would term ‘quality’, because when it comes down to it, what is he really adding to your life. It may not seem to matter now, but years down the line, when you and your children are still struggling, and Daddy is still hoping that the strange contraption he made some years ago will be seen by some investor, who will put money into it, and you’ll make millions, then it will begin to matter. Sometimes, when people tell you to look at someone’s ‘potential’, what they really mean is support him in every way, and one day, his pipe dreams might come to fruition. All this time, he could have improved his resume, gotten a decent job that even if it doesn’t pay a high salary, provides good benefits (health insurance, etc).

        Besides, if a woman is holding out for a very wealthy man, by all means do, but do you position yourself in such a way that you are likely to meet one? You can’t go from dating Pookie and Ray-Ray, and then all of a sudden expect that you would start dating a better calibre of men, even though your habits, social circle, etc, has stayed almost the same!

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      • APA
        Sep 22, 2014 @ 15:34:32

        Ava,

        I never got the sense that Evia and other BWE bloggers were telling BW to hold out for “rich” WM. In fact, I can recall blog posts and comments where they have tried to clarify this fact. I also have not read comments where posters have said that they only want to marry a man who is loaded. I think that Evia and others use those examples to show that it’s not crazy for BW to think that dating out is an option for them. If they specify a desire to marry a man who is financially well off, it is usually because they are exceptionally, financially well off themselves.

        Yes, WW do marry men who make less them, but these men can still pull their weight financially. These men are not sitting around waiting for their women to take care of them. For example, we had a group of women surgeons come and speak to us about work/life balance in medicine. One of the orthopedic surgeons who was there mentioned that she easily makes 3-4x more than her husband. However, this has not been a point of contention in their relationship because her husband had a good job that allowed him to stay busy and contribute significantly to the household. Most of the panel (all WW) agreed, and one of them added that it wasn’t important that your husband makes as much or more than you, but that is was important that he had a job where he felt that he was needed and enabled him to contribute significantly to family finances. They also noted that a lot of their colleagues who are divorced made the mistake of marrying men who were unable to make significant contributions (e.g. struggling artist rather than an engineer). This is the type of attitude that most upwardly, mobile WW have when it comes to seeking their spouses. It’s not imperative that their men make more than them, but they must be able to make significant contributions to the household. These women are not thinking, “There are only so many men out there, so I’ll be happy if I get any regular man making X,” even when they (as women who have to fight sexism) are able to pull in the big bucks.

        BW don’t need to lower their standards because they are already low enough. I can assure you that most BW don’t have any delusions about being able to marry a “rich” man or feel entitled to one. For the most part, BW are excited to find someone who has some sort of post-high school education, no record, no kids, and a job.

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      • Neecy
        Sep 22, 2014 @ 19:09:40

        AVA,

        As everyone has mentioned. BWE bloggers have never told BW they need to seek out rich and wealthy men solely. They use those examples because so many people (including BW) say how no one ever wants them especially if they have money. Half of the pics and stories featured on the BWE blogs like Evia’s are of NORMAL regular interracial couples.

        You seem to be associating QUALITY as equaling solely money. Of course quality can equate to a well off man but it doesn’t mean he is quality because he has money.

        Too many BW settle for men who have nothing and are bringing nothing to the table. So the message BWE bloggers have been sending is DO NOT SETTLE in character nor in finances when it comes to dating and mating. Because its safe to assume that Progressive BW who are into the BWE movement are upwardly mobile in many ways and thus will be interacting with men who are also upwardly mobile. It does BW no justice to date a man who is not financially able to contribute financially to enhance the both of their lives. The message is always and foremost CHARACTER.

        Since you brought up Asian women. I just read a study somewhere that showed the wealthiest pairings and Asian women and White men pairings were the highest in terms of wealth. Then came WW and WM. Guess who was at the bottom? BW and any man. That is because BW have been told to settle and not seek men who are at least close, on or above their level.

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        • Ava
          Sep 24, 2014 @ 07:43:42

          Neecy,

          I love your blog. You are not among the BWE bloggers that I feel are giving BW the impression that they can easily find rich white men.

          I do agree that BW should not settle for a man who cannot contribute enough financially to a relationship. No way should any educated, ambitious BW settle for a high school graduate of any race who is content to flip burgers for the rest of his life. For that matter, even a BW with only a HS diploma should not settle for a man who is content to go nowhere in life. It is simply my opinion that many BW have taken that too far and they are holding out for too much.

          Take for example this post about Kevin Hart dumping his “starter” black wife. The general consensus of the commenters is that BW should avoid being the first wife. So now many BW may interpret that advice to mean that even if they find a great guy who is close to their age and is not yet at the peak of his success, they should reject him because when he does reach his peak, he will dump them for a trophy. She may end up waiting years more trying to find that “seasoned older man” or a guy who is already at his peak, who she can believe really wants her.

          By then she is older or she may find that many of those “seasoned older men” have serious baggage from their past relationships with women. Or, the older man has less energy and resents being tied down with children at an age when all his male friends have older children and can devote more of their time to leisurely activities.

          No one can predict the future. People change and relationships change. If most white and Asian women worried about being starter wives, they would never get married. There are many starter wives who have not been dumped in favor of trophy women. And even if a woman gets dumped, it doesn’t mean the relationship was a mistake. Women who got dumped by their first husbands will often say that the relationship was good until he started to change. Also, the woman may change or become wealthier and want out of the marriage. It can work both ways.

          Instead of worrying about being dumped, BW should learn how to protect their and their children’s interests so that they don’t walk away with nothing if the man decides to move on. Kevin Hart’s ex-wife has no one but herself to blame for that laughable $175,000 settlement she got. She chose to not look out for herself. She probably thought that not asking for a lot would show him how much she loves him and that would make him drop the gold digging trophy girlfriend and come back to her, SMH.

          That would NEVER happen to me. If I were divorcing a man with a net worth of 9 million dollars, after several years of marriage and children, I would walk away with no less than 2 million dollars, in addition to generous monthly child support. As a matter of fact, if I had a rich husband, I would find a way to legally divert some of his resources into bank accounts, investments, and trust funds of my own. And, I would ask him to help me start some sort of business of my own, instead of just being content to be provided for. Also I would have him set up trust funds for our children so that I don’t have to worry about them being disinherited in the future. If the man earned his wealth after we married, I would get a post-nuptial agreement that protects me.The time to think about money is when a relationship is going well, when the man wants to be with you and is happy to share his resources with you.

          Also, why are Asian women and white men the wealthiest pairing yet BW with anyone is the lowest pairing? Asian women are more likely to be in professions that are high paying like science, engineering, technology and medicine just like white men. And white men tend to earn more than other men in most professions, simply because of their race. Asian women are also probably more sensible about money than both white and black women. So their combined resources will be higher. It isn’t simply that Asian women are getting the high income white men. Maybe the higher income white men are choosing higher income Asian women. It works both ways and many white men want a woman whose income is similar to their own.

          Even though many BW are college-educated, many don’t have the education or skills that will lead to high paying jobs. A college degree is no longer a guarantee of higher earnings. BW are more underrepresented in science and technology than Asian and WW. In fact, even though BW as a group are more educated than BM, they still earn less and have fewer assets than BM. Also, being black and female means that BW are usually paid less than everyone else.

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          • Neecy
            Sep 24, 2014 @ 12:43:39

            AVA,

            I can speak for myself and many others here (based on how I interpreted the comments in regards to this post) as NOT telling or discouraging BW to not be the starter wife, But rather to be smart about the kind of man you marry early on. Especially if he is not where he should be financially and career wise. That is because many times women of all races who have struggled and sacrificed and paid the way of their first husbands who were trying to make it, will often get left in the cold with nothing if they are not smart.

            It happens quite a bit as in this case with Kevin Hart and his first wife. She did all the sacrificing, taking up odd jobs and paying the bills and ushering money to him while he was trying to make it. All of that for what? Many women have done the same with an un-established man only for him to leave later for greener pastures.

            BW have spent decades and centuries trying to play nice and trying to work with men who have nothing only to get shafted in the end.

            I make no apologies in telling BW to be smart and only get with a man who is already established. BW do not have the luxury anymore to not heed that advice. We have taken on men with nothing and sacrificing all in the name of trying to be the good woman that stands by her mans side so that he can make it.

            The favor is never returned and as the title suggests, BW have gladly take on the role of struggle and sacrifice but whe it’s time for the celebration, rarely are these same BW in the picture at that point.

            I can’t speak for others bloggers, but I MAKE NO APOLOGIES in telling BW to shoot for the sky when it comes to choosing a long term mate. Part of that means if finding a man who is not necessarily RICH or WEALTHY, but rather established or damn near close to,it.

            Plus I find most of the BW who latch onto BWE are as I said before usually upwardly mobile or in settings where they can meet men who are on their way to being well established financially and career wise as well as emotionally. BW need to take advantage of this.

            I agree with your other points on how to go about protecting yourself in a marriage with kids.

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      • neurochick
        Sep 23, 2014 @ 07:39:42

        Ava:

        I think the issue here is what is “living well.” Well, for me, living well means living free of cheap drama. There is so much real drama in the world that I don’t want to be bogged down with the cheap stuff. I want

        Marrying a wealthy man is a pipe dream for most women period; but marrying a quality man isn’t. Any woman of any race can marry a quality man, so long as she has her own house in order and is herself the type of partner that she would want.

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      • Evia
        Sep 23, 2014 @ 11:22:40

        “There are not enough rich WM . . . “

        I can only speak for myself. I have NEVER advised bw to hold out for a “rich WM.” Please don’t say that I EVER said that. That’s coming from you or somebody else IF you read somewhere that I said that. As a matter of fact, I’m the blogger who started using the the term “QUALITY” man first and I then lengthened it to CQLL (compatible, quality, loving, and lovable) man. I also encourage bw to include ALL men of quality in their romantic pool–not just wm. I’ve had wonderful relationships with men from a variety of backgrounds. I think a woman is foolish to overlook ANY CQLL man.

        It is not MY responsibility how you or anyone else interpret what I write. I post pics that are sent to me, and I never even considered that more than a few of the wm in the pics might be “rich.” I KNOW I never look up any info to post about their income. Any info I post about their wealth is included in the links sent to me.

        “Living well” means VERY different things to different people. “Rich” means something different to different people. For ex., I live most of the time in a comfortable old farmhouse that is located on a fairly isolated, organic farm. This is not a Hollywood type farm; it’s simply a farm with lots of acreage. I have lots of space, privacy, cleanliness, tranquility. On any given day, I don’t see ANY other person. I can live out here for weeks and never see anyone.

        At the same time, I have the wherewithal to go lots of places and do various things IF I choose. I have CHOICES. Living well to me means having FREEDOM and a variety of choices as to what I want to do or don’t do on any day. It doesn’t mean I live in a lavish home with lots of designer clothes and shoes or fancy cars. As a matter of fact, we make it a point to live below our means. My husband and I enjoy various quality material things, but we’re not really that interested in piles of material things.

        I can work if I want to or I can choose not to work, but I’m older. I know some older women have to work, but due to the decisions I made in my earlier life, I decided I could afford to stop working at a certain point. So I did. But I had already paved the way for a comfortable non-working life by my earlier decisions.Trust me, I have my own resources to fall back on, but the men I married helped me a lot to have those resources.

        Both my personal financial choices and my marital decisions enable me to live well. I don’t know who else you may be talking about but I believe that the bulk of bw could make those choices if they thought in a similar way to the way I think. IMO, judging from my observations, experiences, and readings, it’s primarily a MENTALITY issue that keeps many bw scratching and struggling–all of their lives.

        My “living well” status started when I was in my 20s and the perks surrounding ‘living well” do accumulate. A lawyer gal pal of mine talks about “attendant circumstances.” It’s a legal term that means that for every decision you make, there’s a host of invisible attendant circumstances that accompany that decision. Bad decisions carry with them a host of negative attendant circumstances and good decisions carry positive attendant circumstances. So, it’s not just the decisions we make, you also have to look at all of the accompanying factors that will follow those decisions.

        My first long term serious relationship was with an Arab guy who was a well-employed Civil Engineer. Was he rich? I don’t think so. My first husband was a Cost Accountant. Was he rich? I don’t think so. My present husband worked in a field I can’t even describe that well. LOL! Is he rich? It depends on what you consider rich. These males made/make good incomes and/or have income streams and they all have good money sense because I prefer men with good money sense.. ALL of these guys are brainy because I love brainy men. LOL!

        It seems to me that so many AAbw of all ages put an insane amount of focus on the surface characteristics of a man: his looks, clothes, cars, his swag, his height, or on whether this or that person will like of approve of a man. Those things are not important to a woman like me as long as he’s pretty much average. And they mean nothing to me if he’s not a quality man, but all of these men in my life were what I consider physically appealing and they are all taller than me by several inches. What they all had plenty of is QUALITY/CHARACTER. I define a quality man by looking at what he VALUES. What gives him joy? What does he stand for? What does he stand against? So, as I saw someone else emphasize here: his CHARACTER is critical. And a CQLL man is going to have a reasonably good income or have concrete plans for getting that if he’s trying to have a real relationship with a woman because he knows the expectations. NO Quality man is going to be trying to talk to you about a serious relationship if he doesn’t have a good income already or one that’s coming down the pipeline now. So IMO, income level doesn’t even need to be discussed. In my dealings with men who wanted a serious relationship with me, the man always made sure that I knew that the money part was covered

        It is a bit disturbing to me that some bw are reading the BWE sites or anything I write and are using the info to try to create a carbon copy of our lives or my life. So what if I married a rich man or a man of means, does that mean that you MUST look for that SAME type of man to marry? No. Did you ever consider that maybe when I met my present husband, I already had considerable means myself, so I would have been marrying down if I married a man with less means.

        There is no one size fits all situation here. Different women bring DIFFERENT packages to the table. There is such a thing as Romantic Mate Value or RMV. There’s a book out there about that. We all have a different RMV and we bring our RMV to the mating bargaining table. Different women are going to get different deals at the table because we bring a different RMV to the table. I think some bw are not aware of their RMV at all, so they either demand too much or too little when they enter the mating arena.

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        • neurochick
          Sep 24, 2014 @ 08:43:02

          And there, you have it. Evia said it correctly:

          It seems to me that so many AAbw of all ages put an insane amount of focus on the surface characteristics of a man: his looks, clothes, cars, his swag, his height, or on whether this or that person will like of approve of a man.

          So many BW, even the ones in their forties and fifties go on and on about wanting a “fine” man. They want someone who looks good, who dresses well, etc.

          See, I believe that many BW have been brainwashed by the negative images of us in the media, and we seriously believe that no man will EVER want us; so we have to settle for whomever comes along. As long as a man chooses us, we’re okay. I think a lot of BW believe that we don’t even DESERVE quality, that quality is something reserved for women of other races.

          I say that’s BS. BUT, if you believe you don’t deserve quality, guess what, you won’t get quality because you’ll act in a way where quality will elude you.

          Here’s an example, a few months ago, a random BM came up to me in the street and said his lines, “you so fine, you got pretty eyes…” Whatever. Then he gave me his phone number and asked me to text him. He didn’t say that he was single, didn’t ask me if I was married, nada. Did I text him? Nope. Will I text him? Nope.

          Why? Because what type of man comes up to a strange woman and just gives his phone number? (I bet he’s got more than one cell phone) I bet that he does this a few times a day and eventually, some woman will text him, and then he’ll have her number. It’s about boundaries.

          There might be some women out here who are lonely and believe that any attention is good, even if the attention is questionable. A woman like that might respond, but as I said, all attention isn’t positive and healthy.

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        • Ava
          Sep 24, 2014 @ 09:29:31

          Hi Evia.

          Living well means rich to many people, including many BW. I myself understand
          that living well does not mean rich, because I am doing better than a lot of my friends who have much more money than I.

          Of course you are not responsible for how anyone interprets what you say, just as I am not responsible if you misinterpret what I say.

          I did not say that you explicitly encourage BW to wait around for rich white men. You do not. I am just offering my opinion that that is what many BW are doing and one reason they are doing it is because some of the BWE bloggers, you among them, have talked so much about “living well” and not having to work. Many of these women assume you live well only because men provide for you.

          One BWE blogger posted congratulations to Kate Middleton right before her marriage to Prince William. What does Kate Middleton’s life have to do with BW? Just because there are a few BW married to European royalty and aristocrats then BW should try to be more like Kate Middleton? BW cannot be like Kate Middleton–ever.

          I stand by my opinion that most of the BWE blogs encourage BW to be arrogant rather than confident. The constant talk about WM preferring dark skinned BW and West African features is a big part of the problem. For example, many BWE blogs and commenters disparage “white women dipped in chocolate”. Many BW truly believe that a WM is INCAPABLE of being attracted to a light skinned or mixed race woman. After all, if he liked those features, he can get them in his own white woman, right? You yourself said this in some of your early posts.

          BWE insists that WM make NO distinction between BW based on skin color, hair texture and facial features and that is an ABSOLUTE LIE. White men prefer BW with certain types of features and skin color just as BM and other men do. All WM who date BW are not attracted to dark skin and/or West African features. There are white men who want ONLY the Beyonces and Halle Berrys and will not give the Lupitas the time of day. Some white men prefer the hated “white women dipped in chocolate” like Iman. But since BWE followers have been lied to, many of them are waiting to be pursued by men who are not attracted to them and they don’t want to accept this fact. I think this is especially true of BW trying online dating.

          If white men are not attracted to mixed race women, how do you account for the fact that most of the mixed race women in Europe marry white men? BWE blogs give the impression that European men want BW (and the darker the better) and BW should run to Europe. Well, I know BW living in European countries and IR dating is not as easy as many people claim. Most of the WM who are interested in IR are of the lower social classes. Also, there is racism against blacks in Europe, just as in America. And what about all the light skinned and mixed race women who are married to WM right here in America? Many of these mixed race women identify as black so the number of WM married to BW is artificially inflated.

          BW have been led to believe that mixed race, light skinned and non-black women are NO COMPETITION when a BW decides she wants to date IR. The black woman is, after all, a “force of nature”. Non-black women had better watch out because “Billionaires Prefer Black Women”. Since BW are now playing the love interests of powerful white men on TV, white men are now going to choose us over all other women and non-black women had better genuflect when a BW enters the room. Scandal is a popular TV show so that means all powerful white men now want black mistresses. And Viola Davis’ new show is proof that white men prefer dark skinned women with West African features.

          I won’t mention blogs by name, but that is the kind of talk that goes on and even the blog hosts engage in it.

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          • neurochick
            Sep 24, 2014 @ 13:00:24

            IMO, the BWE bloggers are trying to tell BW that they too are worthy of quality men. So much in the media, so much crap in black communities tell BW that they are nothing, that no man will be attracted to them, that they should just take what they can get. I think, BWE bloggers are telling those BW that they’ve been lied to, that they ARE desirable, that all of the crap the media dishes out is just that, crap.

            If I were to believe much of the media I’d think that darker skinned BW are not attractive, that men only want BW who look like Beyonce. For the record, I am a light skinned, biracial looking woman (though both of my parents are black). Some men do like light skinned women, but some men also like darker skinned women too. Like I said, BWE bloggers are just saying to BW not to believe the crap coming out of Hollywood, take care of yourself, have healthy boundaries and see what happens, because BW deserve quality and love and protection.

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          • Neecy
            Sep 24, 2014 @ 13:32:37

            AVA,

            You bring up a lot of things. First let me start by saying, that most of the sites you mention doing this are not BWE sites and have stated so. BWE blogs focus on BW self improvement. Part of that self improvement means not exclusively giving herself to one group of men but to expand and increase her odds at finding love where it is healthy. That is the healthier message of BWE blogs and their encouragement of BW crossing the color lines.

            Then you have other sites that may solely focus on BW and interracial relationships. Yes there may be some sites that take it to a whole other level and gas up BWs heads to unrealistic proportions I regards to the reality of how it will be for BW entering the IR market.

            But at the end of the day it is an individual BWs ability to assess the real world and make her own judgements as opposed to being a compete believer in blogs telling her what to expect. All a blog can do is put out ideas – every individual BW is responsible for how she receives and processed the I formation given. If a BW wants to believe that non BM prefer ONLY dark skinned BW with kinky hair and Black features, then she is unfortunately delusional and responsible for her own delusions.

            Having said that, I do think that darker BW have greater opportunities to find love with non Black men who are not hung up on skin color as are BM. I think for the most part non black men do tend to have less of a hang up in terms of dating darker more Black looking women compared to ethnic and Black men. That is if a man likes and is attracted to BW – usually they are attracted to all types INCLUDING darker BW who are often told they are not attractive to other races of men, which is NOT true. Somehow though, that message gets taken to the extremes on some sites, but once again, there is reality and those who choose to not live in it.

            Another part of it is, some,of these sites are just trying to give BW what they haven’t been getting in terms of telling her there are men who appreciate her dark skin and features. Once again, the problem is not that, but when the message is taken to the extremes that ONLY dark skinned BW are wanted by WM. OF COURSE a more well adjusted BW is more able to understand that men in general like a variety of things in women. There are hardly any absolutes. So smarter BW will understand that as you stated some WM may prefer darker BW, so e may prefer lighter or mixed BW and some may prefer BOTH.

            I agree that there are too many delusional and thirsty BW out there. Many of these women have been burned and are very angry at Black men for their abandonment, neglect and putting down of BW who do not look a certain way. Be that right or wrong, they are now searching for love and tell themselves that other races of men are the answer. Instead of these women dealing with their own self esteem issues that they have allowed BM, society and the Black community to depress, they feel running into the arms of another race of man will solve that problem. It won’t.

            I don’t necessarily feel it’s the bloggers putting that out there as much as it is random BW who go to those sites. I stopped going to those sites because some of the BW on there come off as hateful, bitter, THIRSTY, and fail to realize that the problem starts from within themselves and no one else. I don’t hold the bloggers responsible for the commenters that make up,those sites.

            So I am somewhat in agreement with you on that issue.

            BW are desperate to be loved and appreciated and that will spell trouble for many of these BW whether they are dating only BM or inter racially. While that is a normal way to want to feel it’s costing too many BW their self. Esteem and causing them to be delusional about what it will take for BWs lives to improve. It’s not another race of man that will fix her, but HERSELF and understanding it’s not her skin Color, hair texture that is the problem it’s a problem other people have placed on BW for their own gain.

            Basically, I believe the hearts are in the right place with many of these bloggers, it’s just see of the messages get taken to the unrealistic extremes and that is the problem.

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            • Evia
              Sep 24, 2014 @ 15:59:16

              But at the end of the day it is an individual BWs ability to assess the real world and make her own judgements as opposed to being a compete believer in blogs telling her what to expect. All a blog can do is put out ideas – every individual BW is responsible for how she receives and processed the I formation given. If a BW wants to believe that non BM prefer ONLY dark skinned BW with kinky hair and Black features, then she is unfortunately delusional and responsible for her own delusions.

              Having said that, I do think that darker BW have greater opportunities to find love with non Black men who are not hung up on skin color as are BM.

              Neecy, Exactly! Critical thinking should be a required subject in schools. SMH! There are NO absolutes or guarantees in life. Everything is mostly probability. No bw should be coming to any site online to get the exact formula for how she should live her life. No one can give her that. All of the BWE writers (but remember that some sites that “claim” to be BWE are NOT BWE) are writing THEIR views based on their experiences, observations, readings, etc. This is why I’ve stated over and over to “Take what you can use and toss the rest!”

              I would bet everything I own that among white men who are open to a relationship with a bw, that compared to typical bm these days, there is SUBSTANTIALLY less emphasis those wm place on the bw’s “grade” of hair, or whether she’s 2 shades darker or lighter than this one or that one, or whether her nose is 3 millimeters wider or narrower, or any of the other insane, REPULSIVE GARBAGE that so many bm spew about bw’s looks.

              This is a part of what my message has been all along, no matter how anyone interprets what I say. Nothing has changed.

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          • DiraD
            Sep 24, 2014 @ 13:49:27

            @Ava,

            For countless years, BW, especially if she fails the paper bag test, have been told over and over again that no one wants us, that we’re too this, we’re too that. According to the naysayers, many of which come from the BC, BW are unworthy and should accept any crumb of kindness tossed our way. Unfortunately, after years of hammering, many BW have accepted their supposed lowliness. For the past several years, BWE have been fighting tirelessly to get BW to see their worth and make better choices. One weapon in this fight is to show pictures of BW married to top tier non-BM. The bloggers show these pictures to get BW to understand that we are desirable, that we are worthy of good things and that we need not accept crumbs just because we are BW. The pictures are not shown to push BW to hold out for only wealthy WM. In fact, several BWE bloggers have cautioned that it is more important for a man to be fiscally responsible than it is for the man to simply be rich.

            As for the Kate Middleton article, I know exact which BWE blogger you are referencing. Her purpose in writing that article was to illustrate how one’s decisions can have generational effects. Who a woman marries/mates with will affect the educational and social opportunities of her children, a concept many BW ignore to our detriment. The blogger only used Kate Middleton as an example. By marrying up, Kate’s grandmother was able to position Carole Middleton to have access to better resources and better opportunities. In turn, Carole was able to take advantage of her opportunities to get even better resources for her own children. Even if Kate did not marry Prince William, she still would have had access to other top tier men by virtue being in their social circle. The blogger is not trying to get BW to act like Kate; she is simply trying to get us to think about the future ramifications of our decisions.

            Regarding your rant against WM prefer chocolate, I am confident that the majority of BW readers know that each WM has his own preferences and that some may prefer a more mixed looking BW. However, we also know that WM do not castigate BW solely on her skin tone, unlike many BM. Therefore, darker BW do have a better chance with WM.

            As for the competition comment, BW know that all women are competing for a mate. It’s just that BWE bloggers are trying to get BWs to see themselves are worthy and equal competitors.

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            • Neecy
              Sep 24, 2014 @ 13:57:33

              @ Dira,

              You and NEUROCHICK covered it all!

              It has more to do with trying to let BW see that despite what they have been told all their lives of not being desirable to other races of men, that they ARE.

              Unfortunately, I do have to agree that so e of the BW that go to those sites are dealing in a lot of hurt and anger and make statements that only further prove to me that they will also be in deep trouble no matter what race of man they are dating.

              But that has nothing to do with the bloggers IMO and more to do with some of the random commenters.

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          • Neecy
            Sep 24, 2014 @ 14:38:44

            AVA,

            I would also like to add. It seems you have misinterpreted a lot of what the BWE bloggers have been trying to tell BW for the betterment of their lives. Understand BWE is not for every BW.

            But I can tell you this, I have never gotten the impression that anything a BWE blogger like Evia , Halima or Khadijah have pointed out has been in vain or trying to lead BW in the wrong direction. Everything that they have posted has always been from the heart and place of leading BW to a better place by opening up her eyes to possibilities that have and will NEVER be presented to her in the current BLACK COOMUNITY or general society, because there is too much to lose for people who are not BW but who gain off the ignorance of BW and knowing her self worth.

            As other have stated, the use and discussions on BW dating and mating up has little to,do,with trying to tell BW to look out for billionaires and more to do with BW understanding that despite what the world keeps,telling us, we are worthy when WE decide we are worthy. This is not about arrogance. It’s about showing BW what no one else will show because once again there is much to lose for those who keep benefiting off the low self worth and self esteem of BW.

            SO I cannot sit here and allow you to condem and wrongly accuse BWE bloggers who have inspired me to do what I do because I know they are truly coming from a place of TRUTH and good in terms of getting BW to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Of course. to everything they say is GOSEPL but for the most part if I know someone is coming from a place of good, I don’t have to agree with everything they say, just the majority. Take the meat and throw away the bone. But don’t disparage becaus deep down you know they are coming from a place of trying to improve the lives of BW through their message. No, you don’t have to agree with everything they say, but acknowledge that their hearts are in the right place even when you may not agree.

            BWE is really the only place where darker skinned BW can get positive affirmations of themselves and their potential. That is why sometimes you may feel they are being arrogant, when in fact they are telling dark skinned BW to stop feeling so,lowly about themselves.

            I will go on record and say BW are not arrogant enough! And I am coming from a place that BW need to be shrewd and do what every other woman has do go to get what she wants.

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            • christina
              Oct 10, 2014 @ 19:13:37

              I know I’m late but Ava sounds like an agent or someone who has an issue with Black women…In fact she reminds me of a commenter who used to make the rounds of Black women blogs spewing her hatred of Black women until she was blocked from all of them….she changed her name and she is coaching her hatred more politely but her commenting dna is still the same bs…..I bet she cannot name one blog where any Black woman called white men y heir savior or encouraged Black women to solely pursue billionaire men…she is lying and trying to stir up mess and derail….she/it calls herself a lite skinned Haitian woman married to an Asian man living in England….is this Ava person is address from England or somewhere in Europe….I have an excellent long memory…I could be wrong…but she sounds so similar.

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          • Rae
            Sep 25, 2014 @ 05:25:01

            Ava what I don’t understand about your comment is even if they are telling black women this why does it bother you so much??? I’m sorry but I’m a monoracial black women and for me mixed raced women and other race of women ARE NO COMPETITION! It seems you feel uncomfortable that black women like myself have some self esteem and confidence! And black women can never be a Kate Middleton??? Hmmm… There was a time In this country when people would say “there will never be a negro in the White House”. There was a time people could never dream of dreaming of seeing a black family in the White House. As my mother says “never say never”. Black women like yourself I make sure to stay away from. It seems like every other race of women can be confident and have big expectations except for black women and that is wrong.

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            • onthewaydown
              Feb 19, 2015 @ 11:17:40

              I’ve noticed that every so often a light-skinned or mixed black woman tries to subtly put darker/full black women in their place. Got to watch out for these concern trolls–they can be just as bad as white women and black men when it comes to the whole “How dare you black women think so highly of yourselves?” thing.

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          • neurochick
            Sep 25, 2014 @ 07:31:17

            Just because there are a few BW married to European royalty and aristocrats then BW should try to be more like Kate Middleton? BW cannot be like Kate Middleton–ever.

            Just a question Ava, if you say that BW cannot be like Kate Middleton -EVER. What do you suggest? Are you saying that BW should just take what they can get? Please explain.

            I am tired of people telling BW what they can’t be. It seems that people want BW to be on the bottom of the pile and be glad that they’re there.

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            • APA
              Sep 25, 2014 @ 11:13:22

              Neurochick,

              I agree with what you said. I also want to know exactly what kind of men Ava thinks BW actually have a shot at getting or what other unrealistic standards does she think BW have.

              You guys did an excellent job responding to her posts and treated her very nicely considering some of the things that she said in her posts. I don’t know her posting history on this site or others, but I felt that some of the comments that she recently posted were not well-intentioned. She was acting like she was giving some of us a much needed reality check when she was really just spewing a lot of the poison that is direct towards BW every day. With her first post, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but with these last few ones, I think her agenda is quite clear.

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              • Neecy
                Sep 25, 2014 @ 12:16:39

                I DEFINITLEY think we have a concern troll on our hands. It took me a minute, but I figured it out. That will be it from Ava.

                Ladies this is JUST BEGINNING of what to expect once BW start moving forward. Be prepared.

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                • foosrock!
                  Sep 25, 2014 @ 12:31:45

                  Was fucking wondering when you would realise this is a non-persona-grata, Neecy!.

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                  • foosrock!
                    Sep 25, 2014 @ 12:46:19

                    And by the way, too many of the biracial women I’ve seen here in Zürich are fat and not very feminine. It could have to do with their mothers being Swiss(white) and fathers black. Strangely, when the mothers are black, their girls are gorgeous, ie, maintain their slim figures according to society, beautiful hair(natural) and the whole shebang. Young black girls of immigrants(mostly African parents) are slim, girly and I’ve seen many of them, holding hands or even “making out” (really normal here in public) with the equivalent Swiss(white) guy. So really an uninformed, bitter, angry and distracting post from Ava………

                    so carry on, esteemed Ladies……

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                    • JaliliMaster
                      Sep 26, 2014 @ 09:20:56

                      And by the way, too many of the biracial women I’ve seen here in Zürich are fat and not very feminine. It could have to do with their mothers being Swiss(white) and fathers black. Strangely, when the mothers are black, their girls are gorgeous, ie, maintain their slim figures according to society, beautiful hair(natural) and the whole shebang. Young black girls of immigrants(mostly African parents) are slim, girly and I’ve seen many of them, holding hands or even “making out” (really normal here in public) with the equivalent Swiss(white) guy. So really an uninformed, bitter, angry and distracting post from Ava………

                      I have made similar observations as you have. When I see BW in the UK, compared to other parts of Europe, there is a marked difference in the averages. Most of the BW in Britain have similar attitudes/mindset/approach to life in general as many BW in America do. However, when I travel to other countries in Europe, usually on business, the BW I see there are so different. This might have to do with the fact that most of these women are from an African background, but in the UK, there is little difference between the BW/BG from and African background and those from a Caribbean background, so I don’t think it can be explained away using that. Also, if you take a look at most of the biracial women in the media of these non-UK European countries, the ones with Black mothers and White fathers are over-represented compared to the ones with Black fathers and White mothers.

                      I know that quite a few (as we can see from recent comments on this post) think that BW are doomed to whatever hell-hole they have convinced themselves of. The truth is, as a woman, there are things you can do to make life that little bit easier for you, improve your chances in life, and imrpove the deck of cards that you are playing with. Women who look rich, look better. Women who dress well, look better. Look at the wives of most well-to-do men. Most of them are not drop dead gorgeous women; but because they ‘look’ a certain way, it plays in your head that they are good looking women. In the same vein, because BW images have been used to represent struggle, suffering, pain, etc, as a collective, we are operating from a deficit. That, however, does not apply to individual BW. That is why no matter how many positive representations of BW we have had in the media, it is always that particular individual BW that is seen as standing apart from the rest, as opposed to her improving the collective image of the whole. Until more and more BW adopt a winning mindset and it is reflected in the way they live their lives and carry themselves, things will stay the same. You don’t have to look like Miss World to have people think you are a beautiful woman. In most cases, being healthy (both interior and exterior. One can never overstate this point, no matter how many women, in particular many BW, want to pretend that this does not greatly affect your desirability), dressing well, an carrying oneself in a feminine and classy way turns you from run-of-the-mill to beautiful woman.

                      After the poster “Ava’s” second comment, I figured out that either this was someone with ulterior motives, OR, she had a completely defeatist mindset where there was little to nothing anyone was going to say that would have convinced her otherwise. She even seemed angry that there are some BW that will be living flawless lives in a way that she might never be able to, for whatever reason, and is resentful at both them, and at other bloggers for giving others the impression that they too can excel at life.

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                  • Neecy
                    Sep 25, 2014 @ 13:25:34

                    Lol she got me! Fool me once, shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

                    My spidey senses were tingling but I ignored them and thought she was just frustrated with misinterpretations of BWE. See what happens when you ignore your spidey senses? Lol

                    If anything came put of this, it’s knowledge of how people are gonna get desperate as BW are on the up and up!

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  20. DiraD
    Sep 19, 2014 @ 11:53:50

    @APA

    I may not be the best person to give advice for finding a quality mate, but here it goes:

    1a) Like others have said, make yourself a list of absolutes in a partner. To me, absolute=deal breaker, so think long and hard of what you cannot live without in a man.
    b) Develop and enforce standards of behavior with men. As many BWE bloggers has illustrated, many BW don’t enforce any sort of boundaries with men, then we wind up used and hurt. Remember the saying: If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.

    2a) Make yourself go out at least twice a month, but make sure your activities are increase your odds of running into suitable men. For example, go to art exhibits, festivals, wine tasting events, etc. Stay out of the club and the hood.
    b)If you are an alumnus, go to events hosted by your alma mater. For example, I am an alumnus of an unofficial Ivy league college. Since I started attending alumni events, the quality of men in my sphere has significantly increased.
    c) When going to events, bring no more than two friends. These friends must be female, must have appropriate behavior (hood/country friends stay at home) and must be real friends who want good things for you.

    3) Don’t waste your time on charity case men or men you are simply not into. Once you have determined your disinterest, cut him loose! Don’t waste months or years you will not get back.

    Numbers 1b and 3 were my biggest hindrances towards finding a quality partner. Once I changed my mindset, things have begun to look up.

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  21. Skylar
    Sep 19, 2014 @ 13:54:11

    Hi Neecy,

    You are spot on with this one. A wife must be savvy if she does not want to be disposable.
    These things also happens to white women. Check this NYT article: “The opt out generation wants back in”

    So must one do? Forbes has the answer here: “Deciding to become a stay at home mom? Consider this cautionary tale”

    IMHO, a woman has to have her own money. Before you have the husband. After you get the husband. After you get the kids. It is not easy but it is doable.

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  22. Skylar
    Sep 19, 2014 @ 13:54:49

    Another example of one naive wife. This was a white couple. Both professional (him surgeon, her physio). Both belonging to upper crust (old money, upper middle class for at least 2 generations).

    Got married young, had 2 kids. She then stayed at home. When the kids were nearly 7 years old, the husband asks for divorce.
    He’d been having an affair with a colleague. So they divorce- she gets comfortable money but the emotional damage is awful. She moves in a smaller appartment in a decent area of the city. She has to start working again. Physiotherapy has changed a lot while she was at home. Children spend the week with ex-husband and new gf. And because children are oblivious to the reality of their parents’ emotions, they often innocently ask why their mum new home is so small, why she can not treat them to fun activities, etc.

    5 years later, the ex wife is in a better place (professionnally and with her kids). The mistress has become a wife and has had a son. Weirdly 😉 the new wife has chosen to work while mothering.

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  23. Skylar
    Sep 19, 2014 @ 13:56:23

    Wives and girlfriend (WAG) have to be wise enough to harness men’s generosity at the beginning of the relationship. Too many are complacent and end up crying when the wind changes. For instance, in Europe, I have seen a lot of BW with White men. In the beginning of the relationship, White men will give them a lot of money (often without them having to ask) offering to pay trips, shoes, weaves and so on. Some even give them money to help with business. Or lease offices for them so they can have a Black hair salon.

    What usually happens? The woman poo poos the salon gift. She hires people but is never there herself. Only shows when she needs money. In the end, her employees (good hairstylists) get tired and leave with the clients. This is often the moment when she realises her relationship is shacky and the WM leaves her.

    I have also seen women refusing a man gift. A young wife is asked if she wants a pearl necklace. And she is like: “oh no, what could I do with a pearl necklace?”. So she never gets any necklace. Later on, the marriage is less rosy (kids +financial woes) and she gets all worked up because her husband has been showering mistresses outside with gifts. Not that I condone adultery. But WAG have to realise that allowing a man to treat you to expensive things will help you.

    If she didnt need the pearl necklace, she should have taken it anyway and use the money to do sth else. I know women who have built houses like that.

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  24. ladyarabellavictoria
    Sep 20, 2014 @ 12:15:06

    This is an excellent post and absolutely correct. Too many AA women are starter girlfriends/wives. Men EASILY leave. We have to be smarter about this unfortunate sad part of relationships.

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  25. APA
    Sep 20, 2014 @ 15:42:58

    Thank you to everyone (DiraD, Evia, JaliliMaster, etc.) who took the time to respond to my questions!

    Yes, these tips have been shared before, but they have been sprinkled throughout various blog posts and comment sections.

    Your responses are right in line with some of the things that I have been feeling and thinking. When Evia mentioned that many BW have missed the boat in regards to dating and marriage, it made me wonder if I had been misinterpreting some of the information that have been shared on BWE blogs in the past.

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  26. Ebony
    Sep 20, 2014 @ 19:35:55

    Good read. You made some awesome points.

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  27. JaliliMaster
    Sep 26, 2014 @ 17:34:14

    Just on marrying for the ‘right’ reasons as opposed to mere physical attraction, I came across the following article, and upon reading the comments, I remembered this post and thought I should link to the article here:

    Beauty is Not in the Eye

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  28. gettingmylifefindingmylove
    Sep 26, 2014 @ 17:47:45

    I just started a blog that post quotes from non Black men about Black women. White men aren’t the only ones who appreciates dark skinned BW. Asian, Latinos/Hispanics, etc. Black women need to stop closing themselves off and open up their options. I reading posts like they won’t talk to me, they keep rejecting me, where do I meet BW? Where they at?!!, I don’t have a fetish I really like them, etc.
    I have a theory that when Black women finally come around LOL half of the White men dating Asian women will leave them for a Black woman. BW not competition?! Hmmpf child please!! Some of yall just dont know…..

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  29. itsmeak
    Sep 30, 2014 @ 02:51:35

    Don’t leave it so late like an idiot like me. I’m in my mid 30s. I’m only recently dating around for a man who will hopefully become my husband.

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    • DiraD
      Sep 30, 2014 @ 12:51:40

      I wish you the best of luck with your current beaux!

      Yes, some things in life are more easily secured during certain phases, but that does not mean you should not strive for the things you want.

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      • itsmeak
        Oct 01, 2014 @ 07:19:44

        Thank you DiraD darling. Actually though there is no current beau as I’m hunting around for that too! That’s what I mean about leaving things late. D’oh! But I’m keeping it Rules-y however 😀

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  30. itsmeak
    Sep 30, 2014 @ 03:14:02

    Think about buying one of The Rules books. The newest one came out last year I think and it’s called Not Your Mother’s Rules.

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  31. itsmeak
    Oct 07, 2014 @ 13:56:10

    This is link from a good website that Khadija Nassif had mentioned on her own website from years ago now:

    http://theseductivewoman.blogspot.co.uk/2014/10/prerelease-sale-marrying-well-how-to_5.html

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  32. Nicole
    Oct 10, 2014 @ 14:13:03

    I thoroughly enjoyed this article…THANK YOU. It’s high time BW start understanding that they need to get theirs! I refuse to be a starter girlfriend or wife! My current love interest a WM know from the get go that I’m not the starter type. I have not interest in struggling. I’m educated have a Masters degree, I’m in management, well traveled, keep in shape as I use my slim privilege, and have assets, so he’s gotta come VERY well. Women set the tone for their relationships!

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  33. Demecos JustMeco Chambers
    Feb 16, 2015 @ 14:03:10

    So a fb friend brought this article to my attention, after reading my blog titled “Looking For Someone Who Has It All Together Is A Bad Idea” (http://www.begoodorbegreat.com/#!Looking-For-Someone-Who-Has-It-All-Together-Is-A-Bad-Idea/c24kj/69DF6C43-0381-4CF9-9B73-7424C61C12A1)

    I’ve read over this take on the dynamic relations between men and women. My perspective wasn’t gender based, as this one apparently is. I won’t make any assumptions about the blogger aside from believing her intentions where to help women, in specifically BW. I do believe that her take on celeb men going for the “fairer” skinned women has some merit, as actions appear that way.

    There is no one way when dealing with a dynamic being, such as a human being, that will present a sure fire solution for all or even majority. I’ve personally come across more stories of happy marriages lasting from since both became successful individually, than those who came together during each others success and stayed together. Professionally, I’ve done research on couples and learned that men and women operate differently in general terms of what they want. No matter the amount of money a man makes, he wants “significance” so 79% of single male millionaires are willing to date women of a lower income bracket, while women want “security” so 16% of single millionaire women are willing to date men of a lower income bracket.

    Now guess, which of these two remain un-married for the rest of their lives 67%?? Yep, millionaire women.

    Why am I bringing up millionaires when they are only 4% of our total population? Because they are prime examples of how the perspective encouraged here and taught in so many households can become detrimental to their value in a relationship and their participation within the dating market.

    You don’t have to date a broke man or woman, but commit to someone who’s going to value your contribution to their lives as you value their contribution to yours. We all are going to invest in failed relationships or have, but the objective is to increase the odds of that happening.

    It’s harder to remove the foundations of a structure, than it is to remove one of it’s rooms.

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  34. itsmeak
    Apr 08, 2015 @ 05:21:07

    Reply

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