Hypergamy & Black women

Another good discussion that came from the Hear ye post (I think there were like 50 different topics happening all at once on that post. LOL) was Black women having OOW and hypergamy.

I said I wasn’t going to try to interweave two ideas into one post, but…..OH SUE ME! This one will be pretty easy to understand tho! LOL

BEING A SINGLE MOTHER FROM THE JUMP – IS NOT HYPERGAMY

Sorry ladies. I just don’t see it. Even if they are swirl babies. Having an OOW kid to most in society reeks of low quality. Sorry. Most people will never say this because these days it’s just not politically correct to call out dysfunction. Like the Black woman who felt completely comfortable to stand up on a podium and tell everyone about her 5 kids by 3 different men (and she’s also on public assistance) and not expect people to bat an eye. GIRL, BYE!

I’m sorry I kinda got derailed there…..where was I?

Oh!

But it’s true. It reeks of a woman of low quality who wasn’t able to secure a quality man for herself and offspring. A woman who just doesn’t seem to care about creating the best life scenario for her kids or her body. A woman who doesn’t honor her body enough to not require protection and just allows any man she’s dating or sleeping with to be the father of her kid. There is no other way to put it. I’m just telling you what it looks like whether you believe it or not.

And as Khadija said, these things are said to help other young BW avoid making these same terrible choices for themselves and their future kids.

Progressive BW will avoid making choices that will strain her or her future offspring. In fact, hypergamy for women is ROOTED in protecting and creating the best scenario for her offspring as much as possible. That is why women often do not always judge men’s potential as a mate on his looks solely as a male may for women.

Women (SMART.WOMEN) have always looked to the best providers and protectors for her and her children. Of course as society changes and women are more and more financially secure and stable within their own right, they may look for other things besides a great provider. But still at the end of the day, any woman who is progressive, wants a quality male to be the father and rearer of her children. Its common sense! Your kids benefit when they have a quality father around in their life to help raise them. If you don’t want kids, fine. Still the goal should be to have a quality male in your life who wants to provide and protect.

There is a saying (it’s JUST a saying so I am not saying this is scientifically proven LOL)that kids need their mothers more from infancy to about 12 years of age. And from 12 to adulthood (18) kids need their fathers more. Now some may argue this, as obviously kid’s need both parents at ALL times in their lives.

But I thought it was an interesting point of view I read. Because it illustrates the importance that each parent plays in a child’s life. And it makes complete sense to me why a kid would need their father more in their early and late teens and mom more in the nurturing years.

That is because men tend to be stronger and great guiders with authority. This is a point in a child’s life when they are transitioning and having all kinds of issues and will make bad decisions without a guided hand and firm CONSISTENT authority. This is not to say mothers don’t play a role either. But that a father is typically a stronger figure at this time that a child needs. I can see it. It’s just a POV, but I can see some merit in it.

And when I look at my life, its true. I lived with my dad from 5th grade to 12th. And I remember those teenage years when I was going through transitions my dad had a greater influence on me than my mother (although she had a great influence in my life as well). I am so glad my mother made the decision to have me move with my dad those years. I see now how important that was for me as a girl and young woman to have my dad’s authority.

Although my mother struggled a bit after she and my father divorced, the crucial decision she made to pro create with a solid stable quality man is something I will ALWAYS be greatful to her for – even when she sent me to live with my dad so she can get on her feet.

QUALITY AND HEALTHY MEN RECOGNIZE HYPERGAMY FOR WHAT IT IS – AND DEEP DOWN APPRECIATE IT

Look I am 1,000,000% behind Black women being hypergamous. In fact, healthy men recognize that women should be and are hypergamous. That is one of the reasons why so many men seek to do well in life so they can have the pick of the litter in terms of women.

Hypergamy motivates men in a number of ways to become better men. They will not admit it, but its true. They understand the best women will always seek the best men for the sole purpose of raising her offspring in the most protected and successful environment possible. Its human nature! Men have their own forms of hypergamy – so do not ever let a man make you feel guilty for being such.

I would also go out on a limb to say that the women who are not hypergamous, are considered to be lowest on the totem pole in terms of quality. Think about it. If you consider yourself higher quality woman, you will demand a higher quality mate. Most men (of quality and who have resources) would chalk up an non hypergamous woman as a “low catch/low quality” or an easy catch. And we all know where that gets you – rode hard and put away wet. If you want to appear to be a quality woman to a quality man with resources – you best put on your hypergamy face.

NOW NOW, being hypergamous is not being a GOLD DIGGER!!

Understand the difference between being a gold-digger and hypergamous. No one likes or respects a gold-digger. But everyone understands a hypergamous woman. Usually she has things going for herself and is working for the broader goal of creating a strong stable family unit with a man that can provide and protect. A gold-digger just wants money and resources by any means necessary. She is not looking for a quality male. All she sees is a wallet and she will get with ANY man that has resources. All men with resources are not great catches or of quality. A hypergamous woman wants QUALITY and resources for very common sense reasons that have been practiced since the beginning of time.

WHY SINGLE MOTHERHOOD OR OOW WORKS FOR SOME AND NOT OTHERS

There are 2 kinds of single mothers 2 kinds of OOW situation.

ONE (single motherhood) – in where the father is around and involved in the child’s life, but the mother and father are divorced, or separated. The woman could have married a quality male and for a number of reasons they divorced or separated, but still work together to raise & support their child(ren) so they can reap the benefits of coming from a two-parent household.

This is the situation I grew up in. My parents divorced when I was young, but both remained an integral part of my life.

TWO (OOW) – where the mother and father have made a decision to not marry for various reasons (they both agreed to it) but are living together and raising their children together. This second scenario as someone pointed out happens quite often in Scandinavian countries and amongst the wealthy.

In fact, I read in Iceland (Scandinavian country) this is the biggest set up for many couples and kids and it seems to work for their society. But the key is BOTH parents are in the child’s life, but have just said marriage is not what they want. Personally I do not think this is such a good scenario for *BLACK WOMEN* because it still leaves her unprotected if the man decides to up and leave.

But here’s the key difference. Scandinavian countries are thriving even in the face of high OOW birthrates. White males have always set up infrastructures that police the men and boys of their race/culture and in society as to protect the women and children. IOW’s their communities are not filled with murderous thugs whose mommas are marching for them and all the craziness that results from them terrorizing, killing and hurting (each other) and the women and girls in their communities. A lot of their male children are not feral and running around being coddled by their communities.

White communities also generally protect their women and girls and set up infrastructures to deal with protecting them. The men and boys generally fall in line with that.

Basically, what I am pointing out is White men have set up infrastructures to help his people succeed. So for societies like Iceland and other Scandinavian nations that are doing quite well economically and socially, they are in better position to make these kinds of choices, that seem to still be giving them and their offspring the same benefits they’d have if their parents were married.

Black people nor Black women do not have this luxury. Black women also cannot afford to take this baby momma stuff over in other countries and lands and draw their benefits and resources as eventually they too will get tired of it and start putting in place shaming tactics and pulling these resources that were set up to help their own communities and children succeed. No one likes a leech and freeloader – especially a foreign one who is not even of their “tribe”.

Now I aint going to completely applaud this OOW scenario, but hey whatever floats their boats and as long as the child is getting the benefits of having both parents in his/her life and both parents are taking care of the child financially but made the decision to not marry for a reason.

THIRD (OOW AND SINGLE MOTHER) – a situation where the mother had a child by a man who made it clear in a number of ways he has no interest in being a father, raising a child with her and doing what I necessary to be a part of the child’s rearing. Unfortunately, this is MOSTLY the case with many Black women who have kids OOW.

Many BW who have kids OOW are raising these kids with no father figure present, are usually struggling financially (and in some cases are receiving some kind of government subsidies), and are generally strained from having to be both mother and father.

The results have been pretty hard for Black communities because of the lack of infrastructure and MEN in these communities. Blacks lack infrastructure in general, and many kids of OOW mothers have grown up in some financially strained capacity which means they are probably living in areas where there is a not high amount of responsible males and fathers around to raise their boys, teach them how to be productive men who build communities and not tear them down.

This has also led to feral Black men and boys who have no ideas how to harness their masculinity into more productive things thus taking on the only roles of manhood they know – being short fused, killing over silly stuff, robbing, being aggressive, terrorizing the weak in their communities (the women and girls), etc.

So you will never hear me make a case for pre single motherhood for a Black woman because it just doesn’t work the same for us as it may work for women of other cultures and communities (although it doesn’t even work then and thus why there is heavy influence on marriage and such in many other race and cultures). They seem to understand that a community/culture and race cannot thrive without the stability of a healthy family structure.

And because BW are the most un-protected group with the least infrastructure racially/culturally, we have to stay ahead of the game and always be thinking how we can make our lives EASIER. Raising a kid is not easy let alone raising ne by yourself.

Listen. My view on kids is this. It takes a man and a woman to create a child together and THUS IMO a man and woman should both raise and be a part of the child’s life. I get it, that things happen. But BW should always be setting themselves and their future offspring up for SUCCESS. You are not doing that, by having kids with a man who wants nothing to do with you or them!

And whether they are swirl babies or Black babies – it’s the same thing IMO. You are not setting yourself or your offspring up for success by not demanding marriage or commitment from a male before birthing his child.

I can’t figure out why some can’t realize the importance of bringing a child into this world. No woman should give her body birthing a child for a man who doesn’t have the decency to even give her his last name.

I understand rich people don’t always follow this rule. But most BW are not rich with the kinds of resources others who make these decisions have. Therefore, children should only be given to men who have proven to be willing to be present in their children lives.

MARRIAGE IS MORE THAN A PIECE OF PAPER FOR THE WOMEN WHO “GET IT”

I always hear women say these days “marriage is just a piece of paper”. Uhm NO. For women in child bearing ages NO, it’s more than that. For women past child bearing ages, yeah, hey if you wanna shack up with a long term partner go for it! If you wanna get married – go for that! But for young women in child bearing ages, do not settle for that trope.

It really irks me when I see BW say this, because that is the one place where a BW can guarantee some form of protection for herself and children. WW can say this because – once again, their people, father, men have INFRSATRUCTURE and a willingness to protect them at all costs.

And when a man marries he has signed up for that responsibility and cannot just easily walk away from that. THAT is why marriage and that certificate is important. It protects you and your children in case the man decides he just wants to leave – yeah he can still leave, but that paper means he has a legal obligation to support his children (and in some cases YOU too) if he does so. When there is no paper, it’s a lot harder for you to get resources for yourself and children.

NON BLACK GENES HYPERGAMY

A good question/ point was brought up about why some BW who travel overseas end up having kids by WM who haven’t married them or committed as possibly being a form of hypergamy. And the thought was that these BW are seeking to lighten and whiten their kids genes as to have better success in life and avoid the downfalls of hurtful colorism that is often experienced by full Black kids (especially Black girls).

I don’t doubt this happens. But I believe it is a mix of BW wanting to have children they feel will not be exposed to the same colorism they were exposed to, but also because so many BW lack self-esteem and are searching for unconditional love – so they have babies even without commitment because they believe this is an unconditional love they will receive.

But many OOW kids may actually grow up resenting their mothers for making that choice to not care if there was no father around. So they cannot bank on that “unconditional love” scenario.

So in terms of single motherhood and OOW I cannot say that BW doing this and being baby mommas of swirl babies is any better than being a baby momma of a monoracial Black child. The only difference is YES she has a baby who is lighter and whiter looking, and that may and obviously will have some better benefits for the child, but not so much that I can co-sign BW having a bunch of OOW babies by Non BM.

That is because the person(s) who get affected the most by this are mainly the child who doesn’t get the benefit of having two parents involved in his/her life and the emotional and stability benefits that come with having a father around, and the mother often suffers and *CAN* take that out on her child down the line. Also, when children are not living in or seeing healthy stable quality relationships with a mother and father in their lives, they often grow up and not see the need for it and continue the vicious cycle.

There are more than enough studies that show how important having a father present in a child’s life is.

A truly hypergamous BW today would not only seek out the best quality mate, but would avoid doing anything that could place her or her child in a unfavorable situation where they are lacking.

True hypergamous BW will be so determined to live and do well, they would not entertain single motherhood because they understand how that will affect their child later on.

So avoid the talk that so many sister soldiers who are out to protect the egos of men do. Hypergamy is NORMAL and normal healthy men EXPECT women to be this way. This is why men work hard at being the best protectors and providers they can be. Because quality women will not settle for less than that for herself or her children.

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13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Neecy
    Dec 29, 2014 @ 07:59:28

    @ Evia

    Point taken 😉

    I edited that part out because you’re right, if the wrong people see that, it will be taken out of context and blow up.

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  2. DiraD
    Dec 29, 2014 @ 09:38:34

    Trust me, being a legitimate child makes a huge difference both socially and legally. Despite smiling faces and polite conversation, others do sneer at bastards. Bastards are regarded with suspicion and distance. It as though bastards have to go an extra mile to prove they are respectable individuals. Legitimate offspring are general welcomed and accepted by others without having to jump through extra hoops. Even though my parents are divorced, I am deemed respectable because of my parents decision to give respectability to relationship by getting married.

    Legally, legitimate offspring have so many rights and protections over their illegit counterparts. I have three half-siblings through my father, all of whom are OOW. After my father’s passing, I could freeze my siblings access to any of father’s assets, all due to me being the legitimate and legal heir.

    In regards to BW choosing WM as mates due to wanting lighter children, BW simply need to assert their God-given right to want what they want. Everyone else chooses mates based on noble and nefarious reasons, so why shouldn’t BW have the same right to have noble and nefarious reasons for mate selection?

    Now, I am not so sure creating lighter and lighter children will solve the problems of BW. If a BW engages in chaotic, dysfunctional practices, most likely, her children will be chaotic and dysfunctional, regardless of whether they are high yellow or coal black. Personally, I feel that a BW can open a lot of doors by simply carrying herself well, regardless of her skin tone.

    However, I also acknowledge that I did not grow up experiencing the pain of intra-racism. While I am dark, neither side of my family played the skin or hair mess. I grew up in majority white environments (being the only black in class was a common occurrence for me), so I was simply regarded as black by my white peers. Hence, I had no reason to give thought to my skin tone or hair grade; in fact, I did not realize I was dark until a BM informed me in college. Maybe I would feel differently if I grew up in different circumstances

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  3. AnonPizza
    Dec 29, 2014 @ 10:02:06

    You forgot about fathers that are deceased. The only way I will ever accept being a single mother is if the man has died.

    Divorce is fine too… but I’m not a fan of all the divorce drama.

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  4. Silver Roxen
    Dec 29, 2014 @ 12:01:10

    This reminds me of something that my mother said. She was reading something on Facebook, I don’t know what it was, but she said something along the lines of what difference does it make that kids are not being born in wedlock. *Sigh*. As soon as I heard this I did a facepalm, because even I a child who was born out of wedlock to a woman whom just graduated highschool, knows the importance of marriage. Even when I was a child I felt there was something odd about my parents and other kids in my family and peers who parents weren’t married and most of these kids are of course black.

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    • Silver Roxen
      Dec 29, 2014 @ 12:25:31

      Well I can kind of get why should doesn’t understand because she doesn’t want to get married. So she wouldn’t even think about the benefits.

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      • DiraD
        Dec 29, 2014 @ 13:25:05

        Even though I value marriage, I did not understand all the protections that came with it until I started reading about it and looked into the legalities of my personal situation.

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        • Lulu
          Dec 29, 2014 @ 18:01:24

          There’s a reason gays and lesbians are fighting for the right to be married. Not domestic partners, but spouses. They totally get it. And while they are fighting tooth and nail to be married, BW as a collective are pushing the notion that marriage is “just a piece of paper”. Yet we wonder why we can’t seem to win at life.

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  5. FoxyCleopatra
    Dec 29, 2014 @ 15:12:12

    I think there is a lot of misconception among quite a number of bw about the effects of oow on white single mothers. The idea that they somehow have it much easier is in my opinion, a myth. The effects are seriously dire for a lot of them. This includes those living in Western and Northern Europe. I will address these groups separately. The numbers of white single mothers are skewed because this includes those who are divorced. From hence forth, I will be referring to white never-married single mothers.
    For Western Europe, it is similar to how it is in the US. There is an infrastructure that is there to help (welfare/benefits etc) but you will never live a ‘comfortable’ life with your child/children without the father contributing significantly or the mother having a well-paying job. If you compare like for like i.e. ww with well-paying jobs (and here I mean actual high earners) who come from stable families with responsible men who CHOOSE to have children alone (most often by IVF or surrogacy) or CHOOSE not to get married, but the child’s father is himself probably well earning and FULLY INVOLVED in the child’s life with similar bw. Now, how many black single mothers do you know who are in this situation? For those who are in the TYPICAL situation (i.e. oow, father absent or minimally involved, mother either unemployed, low-earner or low-middle income) I can tell you, the ww in these kind of situations are facing more or less the same problems as the similarly situated bw. In several council estates here in the UK and similar types of ‘residential projects’ in Western Europe, you are beginning to see the same type of ‘feral-ness’ among white youth from these backgrounds as we are used to seeing from black youth from these backgrounds. When these white kids grow up, they will carry on these behaviours and the results will be the same. Here in the UK, we are already seeing the poor attitudes to education, high unemployment, high crime, benefit/welfare mentality.

    For Northern Europe, the benefits are A LOT more generous but these countries are going BANKRUPT. It is a matter of time before they begin to make changes. It is not just immigrants that will bear the brunt. In Nordic countries, the black immigrants that have moved to those countries in the past 50 years have generally behaved better than those that moved to Western Europe. Most of the immigrants attracting negative feelings from these Northern European countries are Middle-Eastern Muslims and Somalis. These two groups have for a large part behaved very ungraciously in their host countries. Quite a number of the Muslim immigrants there have behaved the way some of them do in Western Europe and have been making all sorts of demands which has created resentment in the indigenous population. Somalis on the other hand are coming from a war torn country and are basically refugees but a lot of them engage in ‘benefit tourism’ so even annoy a lot of other immigrants where they go. However, these groups generally do not have an oow culture among them. I believe that when these Nordic countries begin to try to balance their budgets, the benefits given to single mothers will be included and the only way their lifestyle and government spending can be sustained will be to increase tax, but they already have the highest tax rates in Europe (possibly the world).

    I believe things are beginning to change and tolerance for these lifestyles that everyone else has to pay for will decrease. Especially as the economy remains as it is, resentment will increase.

    As for the bw that are apparently having mixed oow kids because they are trying to ‘lighten’ their progeny. If I’m being completely honest, I’m not completely sure I buy the ‘they are doing it because they don’t want their kids to face discrimination’. I think that is baloney. A few years ago, I would have bought that. Now, I believe they do it for more or less the EXACT same reason bm do it. However, as Khadija says, ‘God respects free will and so do I’. At the end of the day, these women are free to do whatever the heck they want. I just hope that they are willing and prepared to lay in the bed of foolishness they have made.

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  6. Lulu
    Dec 29, 2014 @ 17:07:04

    Tanya Fields, the 5 time baby mama on public assistance who had the never to get mad at people for making her feel “ashamed”. That debacle truly woke me up to the fact that the majority of those Black Twitter feminists are total imbeciles. I never was really feeling them but somehow felt that maybe I was too much of a fuddy-duddy for my relatively young age and should at least try to listen and understand what they were saying. No. The Tanya Fields debacle was when I realized I needed to trust in my values and in my own instincts in regard to the Black Twitter and Tumblr feminism. Their views are poisonous and a sure path to a life of ruin for Black women in this country.

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    • FoxyCleopatra
      Dec 29, 2014 @ 18:01:51

      The Tanya Fields debacle was when I realized I needed to trust in my values and in my own instincts in regard to the Black Twitter and Tumblr feminism. Their views are poisonous and a sure path to a life of ruin for Black women in this country.

      So true. I realised this a LOOONG time ago and just don’t even entertain them. Most of the crap they spout make them seem so pathetic and rather dumb!

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  7. honeycoco
    Jan 01, 2016 @ 10:31:57

    I’m hoping to snag a northern european man. I hope those bw immigrants don’t tarnish our image over there before I get a chance to get mine!

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  8. Maya Bee
    Jan 01, 2016 @ 23:51:35

    Although I agree with most of this blog, but there was a major generalization that black women are PURPOSELY getting pregnant by black men that don’t want kids. Most black men get their women pregnant on purpose but they change their minds like the wind. Notice how many single non-black women with their biracial kids are on the rise in black communities.

    Black men are also very insecure and feel the only way they can control a woman is by getting her knocked up with his child. I know plenty of black women that were in serious relationships with black men that WANTED a baby at the time but when their boyfriends grew tired of them, he abandons them. Black men play manipulation games with bw and that needs to stop. Bw have to not fall for the games and immaturity from these man-childs.

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