Another good discussion that came from the Hear ye post (I think there were like 50 different topics happening all at once on that post. LOL) was Black women having OOW and hypergamy.
I said I wasn’t going to try to interweave two ideas into one post, but…..OH SUE ME! This one will be pretty easy to understand tho! LOL
BEING A SINGLE MOTHER FROM THE JUMP – IS NOT HYPERGAMY
Sorry ladies. I just don’t see it. Even if they are swirl babies. Having an OOW kid to most in society reeks of low quality. Sorry. Most people will never say this because these days it’s just not politically correct to call out dysfunction. Like the Black woman who felt completely comfortable to stand up on a podium and tell everyone about her 5 kids by 3 different men (and she’s also on public assistance) and not expect people to bat an eye. GIRL, BYE!
I’m sorry I kinda got derailed there…..where was I?
But it’s true. It reeks of a woman of low quality who wasn’t able to secure a quality man for herself and offspring. A woman who just doesn’t seem to care about creating the best life scenario for her kids or her body. A woman who doesn’t honor her body enough to not require protection and just allows any man she’s dating or sleeping with to be the father of her kid. There is no other way to put it. I’m just telling you what it looks like whether you believe it or not.
And as Khadija said, these things are said to help other young BW avoid making these same terrible choices for themselves and their future kids.
Progressive BW will avoid making choices that will strain her or her future offspring. In fact, hypergamy for women is ROOTED in protecting and creating the best scenario for her offspring as much as possible. That is why women often do not always judge men’s potential as a mate on his looks solely as a male may for women.
Women (SMART.WOMEN) have always looked to the best providers and protectors for her and her children. Of course as society changes and women are more and more financially secure and stable within their own right, they may look for other things besides a great provider. But still at the end of the day, any woman who is progressive, wants a quality male to be the father and rearer of her children. Its common sense! Your kids benefit when they have a quality father around in their life to help raise them. If you don’t want kids, fine. Still the goal should be to have a quality male in your life who wants to provide and protect.
There is a saying (it’s JUST a saying so I am not saying this is scientifically proven LOL)that kids need their mothers more from infancy to about 12 years of age. And from 12 to adulthood (18) kids need their fathers more. Now some may argue this, as obviously kid’s need both parents at ALL times in their lives.
But I thought it was an interesting point of view I read. Because it illustrates the importance that each parent plays in a child’s life. And it makes complete sense to me why a kid would need their father more in their early and late teens and mom more in the nurturing years.
That is because men tend to be stronger and great guiders with authority. This is a point in a child’s life when they are transitioning and having all kinds of issues and will make bad decisions without a guided hand and firm CONSISTENT authority. This is not to say mothers don’t play a role either. But that a father is typically a stronger figure at this time that a child needs. I can see it. It’s just a POV, but I can see some merit in it.
And when I look at my life, its true. I lived with my dad from 5th grade to 12th. And I remember those teenage years when I was going through transitions my dad had a greater influence on me than my mother (although she had a great influence in my life as well). I am so glad my mother made the decision to have me move with my dad those years. I see now how important that was for me as a girl and young woman to have my dad’s authority.
Although my mother struggled a bit after she and my father divorced, the crucial decision she made to pro create with a solid stable quality man is something I will ALWAYS be greatful to her for – even when she sent me to live with my dad so she can get on her feet.
QUALITY AND HEALTHY MEN RECOGNIZE HYPERGAMY FOR WHAT IT IS – AND DEEP DOWN APPRECIATE IT
Look I am 1,000,000% behind Black women being hypergamous. In fact, healthy men recognize that women should be and are hypergamous. That is one of the reasons why so many men seek to do well in life so they can have the pick of the litter in terms of women.
Hypergamy motivates men in a number of ways to become better men. They will not admit it, but its true. They understand the best women will always seek the best men for the sole purpose of raising her offspring in the most protected and successful environment possible. Its human nature! Men have their own forms of hypergamy – so do not ever let a man make you feel guilty for being such.
I would also go out on a limb to say that the women who are not hypergamous, are considered to be lowest on the totem pole in terms of quality. Think about it. If you consider yourself higher quality woman, you will demand a higher quality mate. Most men (of quality and who have resources) would chalk up an non hypergamous woman as a “low catch/low quality” or an easy catch. And we all know where that gets you – rode hard and put away wet. If you want to appear to be a quality woman to a quality man with resources – you best put on your hypergamy face.
NOW NOW, being hypergamous is not being a GOLD DIGGER!!
Understand the difference between being a gold-digger and hypergamous. No one likes or respects a gold-digger. But everyone understands a hypergamous woman. Usually she has things going for herself and is working for the broader goal of creating a strong stable family unit with a man that can provide and protect. A gold-digger just wants money and resources by any means necessary. She is not looking for a quality male. All she sees is a wallet and she will get with ANY man that has resources. All men with resources are not great catches or of quality. A hypergamous woman wants QUALITY and resources for very common sense reasons that have been practiced since the beginning of time.
WHY SINGLE MOTHERHOOD OR OOW WORKS FOR SOME AND NOT OTHERS
There are 2 kinds of single mothers 2 kinds of OOW situation.
ONE (single motherhood) – in where the father is around and involved in the child’s life, but the mother and father are divorced, or separated. The woman could have married a quality male and for a number of reasons they divorced or separated, but still work together to raise & support their child(ren) so they can reap the benefits of coming from a two-parent household.
This is the situation I grew up in. My parents divorced when I was young, but both remained an integral part of my life.
TWO (OOW) – where the mother and father have made a decision to not marry for various reasons (they both agreed to it) but are living together and raising their children together. This second scenario as someone pointed out happens quite often in Scandinavian countries and amongst the wealthy.
In fact, I read in Iceland (Scandinavian country) this is the biggest set up for many couples and kids and it seems to work for their society. But the key is BOTH parents are in the child’s life, but have just said marriage is not what they want. Personally I do not think this is such a good scenario for *BLACK WOMEN* because it still leaves her unprotected if the man decides to up and leave.
But here’s the key difference. Scandinavian countries are thriving even in the face of high OOW birthrates. White males have always set up infrastructures that police the men and boys of their race/culture and in society as to protect the women and children. IOW’s their communities are not filled with murderous thugs whose mommas are marching for them and all the craziness that results from them terrorizing, killing and hurting (each other) and the women and girls in their communities. A lot of their male children are not feral and running around being coddled by their communities.
White communities also generally protect their women and girls and set up infrastructures to deal with protecting them. The men and boys generally fall in line with that.
Basically, what I am pointing out is White men have set up infrastructures to help his people succeed. So for societies like Iceland and other Scandinavian nations that are doing quite well economically and socially, they are in better position to make these kinds of choices, that seem to still be giving them and their offspring the same benefits they’d have if their parents were married.
Black people nor Black women do not have this luxury. Black women also cannot afford to take this baby momma stuff over in other countries and lands and draw their benefits and resources as eventually they too will get tired of it and start putting in place shaming tactics and pulling these resources that were set up to help their own communities and children succeed. No one likes a leech and freeloader – especially a foreign one who is not even of their “tribe”.
Now I aint going to completely applaud this OOW scenario, but hey whatever floats their boats and as long as the child is getting the benefits of having both parents in his/her life and both parents are taking care of the child financially but made the decision to not marry for a reason.
THIRD (OOW AND SINGLE MOTHER) – a situation where the mother had a child by a man who made it clear in a number of ways he has no interest in being a father, raising a child with her and doing what I necessary to be a part of the child’s rearing. Unfortunately, this is MOSTLY the case with many Black women who have kids OOW.
Many BW who have kids OOW are raising these kids with no father figure present, are usually struggling financially (and in some cases are receiving some kind of government subsidies), and are generally strained from having to be both mother and father.
The results have been pretty hard for Black communities because of the lack of infrastructure and MEN in these communities. Blacks lack infrastructure in general, and many kids of OOW mothers have grown up in some financially strained capacity which means they are probably living in areas where there is a not high amount of responsible males and fathers around to raise their boys, teach them how to be productive men who build communities and not tear them down.
This has also led to feral Black men and boys who have no ideas how to harness their masculinity into more productive things thus taking on the only roles of manhood they know – being short fused, killing over silly stuff, robbing, being aggressive, terrorizing the weak in their communities (the women and girls), etc.
So you will never hear me make a case for pre single motherhood for a Black woman because it just doesn’t work the same for us as it may work for women of other cultures and communities (although it doesn’t even work then and thus why there is heavy influence on marriage and such in many other race and cultures). They seem to understand that a community/culture and race cannot thrive without the stability of a healthy family structure.
And because BW are the most un-protected group with the least infrastructure racially/culturally, we have to stay ahead of the game and always be thinking how we can make our lives EASIER. Raising a kid is not easy let alone raising ne by yourself.
Listen. My view on kids is this. It takes a man and a woman to create a child together and THUS IMO a man and woman should both raise and be a part of the child’s life. I get it, that things happen. But BW should always be setting themselves and their future offspring up for SUCCESS. You are not doing that, by having kids with a man who wants nothing to do with you or them!
And whether they are swirl babies or Black babies – it’s the same thing IMO. You are not setting yourself or your offspring up for success by not demanding marriage or commitment from a male before birthing his child.
I can’t figure out why some can’t realize the importance of bringing a child into this world. No woman should give her body birthing a child for a man who doesn’t have the decency to even give her his last name.
I understand rich people don’t always follow this rule. But most BW are not rich with the kinds of resources others who make these decisions have. Therefore, children should only be given to men who have proven to be willing to be present in their children lives.
MARRIAGE IS MORE THAN A PIECE OF PAPER FOR THE WOMEN WHO “GET IT”
I always hear women say these days “marriage is just a piece of paper”. Uhm NO. For women in child bearing ages NO, it’s more than that. For women past child bearing ages, yeah, hey if you wanna shack up with a long term partner go for it! If you wanna get married – go for that! But for young women in child bearing ages, do not settle for that trope.
It really irks me when I see BW say this, because that is the one place where a BW can guarantee some form of protection for herself and children. WW can say this because – once again, their people, father, men have INFRSATRUCTURE and a willingness to protect them at all costs.
And when a man marries he has signed up for that responsibility and cannot just easily walk away from that. THAT is why marriage and that certificate is important. It protects you and your children in case the man decides he just wants to leave – yeah he can still leave, but that paper means he has a legal obligation to support his children (and in some cases YOU too) if he does so. When there is no paper, it’s a lot harder for you to get resources for yourself and children.
NON BLACK GENES HYPERGAMY
A good question/ point was brought up about why some BW who travel overseas end up having kids by WM who haven’t married them or committed as possibly being a form of hypergamy. And the thought was that these BW are seeking to lighten and whiten their kids genes as to have better success in life and avoid the downfalls of hurtful colorism that is often experienced by full Black kids (especially Black girls).
I don’t doubt this happens. But I believe it is a mix of BW wanting to have children they feel will not be exposed to the same colorism they were exposed to, but also because so many BW lack self-esteem and are searching for unconditional love – so they have babies even without commitment because they believe this is an unconditional love they will receive.
But many OOW kids may actually grow up resenting their mothers for making that choice to not care if there was no father around. So they cannot bank on that “unconditional love” scenario.
So in terms of single motherhood and OOW I cannot say that BW doing this and being baby mommas of swirl babies is any better than being a baby momma of a monoracial Black child. The only difference is YES she has a baby who is lighter and whiter looking, and that may and obviously will have some better benefits for the child, but not so much that I can co-sign BW having a bunch of OOW babies by Non BM.
That is because the person(s) who get affected the most by this are mainly the child who doesn’t get the benefit of having two parents involved in his/her life and the emotional and stability benefits that come with having a father around, and the mother often suffers and *CAN* take that out on her child down the line. Also, when children are not living in or seeing healthy stable quality relationships with a mother and father in their lives, they often grow up and not see the need for it and continue the vicious cycle.
There are more than enough studies that show how important having a father present in a child’s life is.
A truly hypergamous BW today would not only seek out the best quality mate, but would avoid doing anything that could place her or her child in a unfavorable situation where they are lacking.
True hypergamous BW will be so determined to live and do well, they would not entertain single motherhood because they understand how that will affect their child later on.
So avoid the talk that so many sister soldiers who are out to protect the egos of men do. Hypergamy is NORMAL and normal healthy men EXPECT women to be this way. This is why men work hard at being the best protectors and providers they can be. Because quality women will not settle for less than that for herself or her children.