You know what? I’m just going to lay it all out for yall.


I am not going to go into the history of colorism and the Black community and how it affects BW. I consider my site to be about progressiveness and progressiveness is NOT sitting around still talking about Black people’s nonsense when you are able and willing to remove yourself from that and step into the global arena where most people could care less if you are dark or “light skinnded”. It’s a dead horse that has been more than beaten to death, because Black people have not done much about it. All BW keep doing is saying “we gots ta talk bout this colorism thing”.


You know what? Talking aint getting yall any closer to loving yourselves and ridding yourselves of this colorism nonsense perpetuated by ignorant Black people. In fact, it’s just making you more bitter, more exhausting to deal with as women.


I believe many BW keep talking about colorism because they want those very same BM and people who make them feel inferior to suddenly come and ride in on their horses (you know that Calvary I keep telling yall that does not exist for BW????) and save and rescue them from their feelings of inferiority and suddenly tell them they are the most beautiful creatures alive and those light skinned women are the DEBIL! And then and only then will some of yall BW feel worthy and valuable and able to go on with your lives as ADULTS should.




If you want rid yourself of this colorism nonsense – then DO IT. Understand BW and people have been TALKING about it for centuries and guess what – it’s still here! You want to actually DO SOMETHING? Stop the crying, the documentaries, the round table discussions and actually do something for yourself that will help you LOVE yourself and stop seeking validation from a community that has and NEVER WILL give it to you!


Now yall are looking for NON BM to save and rescue you.


GUESS WHAT? That aint gonna happen either! Wanna know why? Cause Non BM have waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many options in women to be trying to save a bunch of women whose issues stem from Black men’s preferences.


I am going to talk about this colorism nonsense and its current seeping into the IR community with BW who are bringing their issues, insecurities and colorism nonsense into this arena.


I am going to talk about how ONCE AGAIN BW make themselves look like the most difficult group of women to love and live with.


I’m just going to be very BLUNT in this post and tell you what will happen, how yall look and why many of you will never meet a quality man of ANY RACE. And if you have managed to snag a quality Non BM before he could see your issues – God help him and the children you sire with him who will look like the very women and people you resent.



First of all. American BW are a very small percentage of the female population. In relation to men who want to get married, date and get laid, BW do not AFFECT their abilities to do such one way or another. And by the looks of it, this includes high quality BM.


IOW’s if all of American BW fell off the face of the earth in the next 20 minutes, NON Back men (and HIGH QUALITY BM) would still be able to get married, date casually and still get ample amount of sex from women. The only real group who would be affected are NON QUALITY BM who cannot attract women of other races.


THIS MEANS – in a NUTSHELL – BW in the IR dating arena are expendable.


This means. That men do NOT have to deal with a bunch of nonsense, insecurities (that they did not create) from women who will not make or break their dating, marriage or sex lives.


This means that as a BW you need to be very well put together mentally, emotionally and physically if you want to attract, obtain and KEEP a quality male in your life.


This means, that if you are a BW looking for *QUALITY* Non BM (and even BM) *WITH OPTIONS* that you are competing with ALL other races of women who are much more easily obtainable to these men as they are constantly in these men’s inner circles in one way or another.


THIS MEANS – that no quality WM or Non BM wants to deal with your issues about colorism that stem from Black people’s nonsense.


THIS MEANS – that Non BM do not want to spend their lives and times rescuing you from your own feelings of inferiority (created by Black people’s nonsense), when they can date women without these issues.


This means, no quality male wants to raise his children in an environment where the mother might possibly carry on her insecurities (from Black people’s NONSESEN) and project and transfer those onto their and his future children.


MEN who are of quality and with options want to live and love women who make it easy for them to do that. Do you know how DIFFICULT and EXHAUSTING it is trying to love a person that doesn’t love themselves?


Do you know how difficult and exhausting it is trying to save a person that truly can never be saved because they want continuous sympathy and have no interest in doing what it takes to HEAL THEMSELVES and learn to love themselves and understand they are valuable and worthy?


Do you know how exhausting it is, trying to convince someone they are beautiful when they do not believe it deep down?


Do you know how exhausting it is constantly having to listen to a grown ass woman talk about what she went through as a child because of her dark skin, how ugly she feels compared to light skinned women, and continually repeat and talk about this while doing NOTHING to heal herself?




No grown QUALITY man *WITH OPTIONS* wants to save an insecure woman.


No grown QUALITY man *with options* wants his kids raised and reared by an insecure woman who feels inferior. She *WILL* transfer that onto her kids and it will have an effect on her kids one way or another.


No grown man with options wants to spend more of his time *TRYING* to love you and live with you & CONVINCE YOU he *really likes you with no ulterior motives* while you are still talking about Black people’s nonsense!


If you want to keep harping on colorism perpetuated and PRACTCED by BM, then STAY WITH BM and try fixing BM! Do not bring your colorism nonsense in the IR dating arena, making it much more difficult for BW to be seen as SANE adult women worthy of being loved for a lifetime by quality men, crying over this NONSENSE perpetuated by Black people.



You know what? Yall need to take a damn seat!


BW are in no position to be telling a Non BM what kind of BW he should and shouldn’t be dating. UHM – check the stats sweetie pies! Go back up and READ the reality that Non BM do not have to take orders from BW on who they should date because THEY WILL CONTINUE TO DATE, MARRY AND HAVE SEX WITH OR WITHOUT BW.


So instead of bringing your tired colorism nonsense to the IR community where you have NO REAL CLOUT with the men you are seeking (in terms of making demands), stay in and with BM and the Black people’s nonsense you love to wallow win.


You have NO RIGHT questioning who and what a NON BM chooses as his partner when it comes to dating Black women. Non BM like everybody damn else on this earth have a right to choose mates based on whatever it is they want to choose it on.


MOST NON BLACK (WHITE) men could give a RATS ASS about how light or dark a BW is. Its yall insecure tired BW who are projecting your nonsense onto them about skin color! A WM may choose a light skinned mixed BW one day and the next day may date a woman the color of Alek Wek. WHY? CAUSE THEY CAN!


Please for the LOVE OF GOD, do not project your colorism nonsense onto MEN who do not have those issues to begin with.


To most Non BM – a Black woman is a Black woman whether she is light, dark and even MIXED.


I am beyond TIRED of these bitter self-loathing Black women brining Black people’s nonsense into the IR where IT DOES NOT BELONG.



Imagine you are some strapping high quality Non BM who has his pick of the litter. Imagine this man one day says it doesn’t matter to him the race of the woman as long as she is mentally and emotionally sound, good looking, in good shape and will make a good parent to their children. Imagine you are a WM who may have to deal with some pushback from friends and family, but still decides to keep an open mind and date a BW.


Imagine going onto IR sites where there are scores of BW who are “SO CALLED” interested in dating Non Black men.


Imagine reading post after post and comment after comment talking about how BLACK MEN MADE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT BEING DARK SKINNED, HOW DO NOT FEEL NOT BEAUTIFUL because of your dark skin because of BLACK MEN.


Imagine reading words upon words of “Black men hate dark skinned BW and pedestalize light skinned women” “dark skinned BW are always the last choice of BM” “I’m tired of light skinned BW always being seen as most beautiful” “I could care less how light skinned BW feel because I as a dark skinned BW was told I was ugly and unworthy all my life by BLACK MEN”


Imagine what would be going through this man’s head reading this on sites where BW are “SUPPOSEDLY” interested in dating Non BM.


Imagine this Wm thinking “oh God what will my kids go through dating women like this? Will she hate her own light skinned and mixed kids? Will she resent them and make their lives hell? Does she really still want to be with BM, but because they don’t want her, she is just trying to find anyone who will date her? ” Hmmm. Maybe I should just stick with Asian and White women – it’s just easier”


If I were such a WM? Pssh I would RUN for the hills and never look back. I mean seriously. WM and Non BM CAN afford to do this and still have a love life of some sort with or without BW!


Non BM did not perpetuate (directly) colorism onto BW today. So why the hell are you still harping on an issue on sites where NON BM are interested in seeking BW REGARDLESS OF SKIN SHADE?


Most healthy sane men like beautiful women and could care less if she is light with green eyes or dark skinned with big brown eyes.


So to question a Non Bm’s dating choice of a BW is SICK because you are projecting BM’s preferences and your insecurities onto HIM when he most likely does not have it. And if he does that’s his darn business because truth be told, if a WM didn’t want to date a woman of color HE DOESN’T HAVE TO! He can still find a Non BW of any ethnicity to settle down with and live happily ever after and not deal with this nonsense that so many BW are bringing into the IR dating arena.


So have a seat!


I’ll tell you why many of You SO CALLED PRO IR BW keep doing it! Cause as I said earlier YOU STILL WANT VLAIDATION FROM BLACK MEN. PERIOD. You want them to tell you, you are worthy and beautiful so you can go on with your lives and feel valuable and PRETTY.





But please, until you figure it out, STOP bringing this mess into an arena where HEALTHY MINDED BW of all shades are trying to FOR ONCE get away from the nonsense that they have been induated with in terms of Black people and colorism.

Some BW just want freakin PEACE already. And now they cannot even find it in the one area where they should be able to find it, because there are still so many BITTER, inferior minded BW bringing and carrying over their colorism Black people’s nonsense.


I truly feel for the dark skinned BW who are always silenced by the ones who REFUSE to heal themselves. I have had plenty of dark skinned BW in my life who simply do not even give this nonsense a thought. They are too busy living life, loving themselves and seeking out people who will love them for who they are and understand they are worthy and valuable as women.


If you are an adult – YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for how you choose to think of yourself and live your life. NO ONE ELSE! This world and people today have no interest in saving other adults when they have their own damn problems.


And remember this: MEN do not want to be with difficult to live with and love women. The only men who choose that route are men without options and who are of lower quality.


So if you want a man without options and who is low caliber – keep up your colorism nonsense. Because most likely this man will deal with it because he has no other choice.


But if you are a BW who wants a man of quality, stature, and options, I IMPLOIRE you to do what you need to do to heal yourself, because no man of QUALITY and *WITH OPTIONS* will stick around and deal with your insecurities. He may have sex with you, but in terms of a long term relationship – he will run for the hills.





And my other question to all these so called “PRO IR” BW who are bringing your colorism nonsense into the IR (where it does not belong) – HOW THE HELL are you going to raise healthy light and mixed daughters (from Non BM that you claim to be seeking) when you still seem to have some resentment towards them???


This is a LEGIT real question that i would like an answer to.


Some of yall need to stay your behinds in the Black community and with BM – cause YALL AINT READY no matter how much you tell yourselves you are. All you want to do is transfer and bring your nonsense over to other men.


Well i am not going to sit quietly while you try to ruin the reputations of healthy minded BW of ALL SHADES who are trying to get away from the very nonsense you keep BRINGING into these communities.


In the famous words of Elenor Roosevelt ~ “NO ONE can make you feel inferioir without YOUR CONSENT”


Some of yall need to seriously read and understand that quote and PRACTICE IT.


79 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Neecy
    Jan 03, 2015 @ 23:08:26

    You know what else i don’t get and am sick of?

    BW who claim they can’t get love for their brown skin and Black features and the minute some Non BM compliments them or says he prefers those very things he is “fetishing” her and just trying ot live out his chocolate fanatasy.

    There is always to many BW some alterioir motive for a Non BM dating them. Yet these same tired annoying BW complain that they ar enot loved for thier Black features.


    You know what – a lot of BW just need HELP. There is nothing wrong with admitting this. A lot of BW need therapy before they even consider dating ANYONE.

    Liked by 2 people


  2. foosrock!
    Jan 04, 2015 @ 03:36:27

    BW who claim they can’t get love for their brown skin and Black features and the minute some Non BM compliments them or says he prefers those very things he is “fetishing” her and just trying to live out his chocolate fanatasy.

    Yup. My sisterlock technician and I were talking about this yesterday as we know of a couple of black women who’ve lived here as long as we have and complained of this in the early days, ie, being offended at being called exotic. They would be just happy to be noticed even a little bit now as they’re ALONE. Thing is, ZH is so diversed now, that seeing/meeting black women/girls (or any other ethnicity for that matter) is not a novelty anymore and men have their pick of some gorgeous women and they are PICKY!.

    In the famous words of Eleanor Roosevelt ~ “NO ONE can make you feel inferior without YOUR CONSENT”


    Happy New Year, Neecy!

    Am off to go running……



    • Neecy
      Jan 04, 2015 @ 22:09:27

      @ FOOSROCK

      OOOh You have sisterlocks too! I knew we were sisters! LOL

      I’m going through it with mine right now because i colored my hair darker and it made a lot of my locks bunch up.

      I’ll be 1 year sisterlocked in February. But I am struggling because so many of the locks at the ends are so bunched up and I want my hair to be darker.


      You are so right. I don’t understand why so many BW do not embrace their exoticness. Its something BW could and should use to thier advantage.



      • foosrock!
        Jan 10, 2015 @ 02:15:57

        What brand did you use for colouring?. Have you tried Henna?. As well, use herbal shampoos. I use Rausch( Herbal helps fine or soft hair to toughen up(coarse-sp?). This is my third year and I’m well happy with my locks. Also re-lock every 4wks as, if you don’t, the roots will strain from the weight of the lock(even though they’re not heavy) and start to thin out.



        • Neecy
          Jan 10, 2015 @ 19:35:10

          yes I am currently on 5 weeks and I am going to have to talk with my technician and move to 4 weeks. My hair grows very fast and YES i often find the front locs get really thin because they are growing out so fast.



  3. neurochick
    Jan 04, 2015 @ 05:48:11

    Dear Neecy:

    Thank you for this post.

    I just came back from vacation and I learned a valuable lesson. Here’s what happened. On vacation, I was hanging around with a group of single people like myself. I was the only BW in the group. There was an Asian man in the group who was good looking. Two WW in the group were both after him; both of these WW were seriously cray cray, like seriously crazy. Guess what? He didn’t want to have anything to do with either of these blue eyed blonde women. Why? Because they were crazy. Guess who he liked hanging out with? You guessed it, me; even though I was a decade older than him; he liked hanging out with me and another SANE WW who was also a decade older than him.

    The point is, decent men of ANY RACE, don’t want crazy women of ANY RACE.

    I believe in therapy and self examination. It’s a day to day process. These two WW had very, very low self esteem and it showed. He told me one day, “they need serious therapy and probably medication.” Even he could see they needed help.

    Colorism is a serious thing, it’s like a cancer in the BC. Therapy really helps because a good therapist, can look at your situation from an objective stance. IMO colorism is tied to sexism, that’s why BW suffer while BM really don’t.

    Once again, therapy helps. You might have to shop around for a good therapist, but when you find a good one, you’ve struck gold.



    • Neecy
      Jan 04, 2015 @ 13:59:53


      No man with options wants to be around a bunch of insecure cackling hens desperate for attention unless he’s looking for a temporary intimate fling.



    • Neecy
      Jan 04, 2015 @ 22:14:21

      Neurochik said
      Colorism is a serious thing, it’s like a cancer in the BC. Therapy really helps because a good therapist, can look at your situation from an objective stance. IMO colorism is tied to sexism, that’s why BW suffer while BM really don’t.

      Yes colorism is like a cancer. but it can be cured within the actual person it affects. BW have to just understand that colorism int eh BC is not going anywhere, BM are not going to suddenly start loving and embracing darker BW and understand that and MOVE ON to greener pastres.

      And part of that moving on is tied to that individual BW getting therapy and help to overcome her low self worth.

      I dont understand why people get offended at the suggesstion of therapy. I think anyone who attemps to better themselves by going to an objective PROFESSIONAL that can help them sort out thier issues is a person ahead of the game.

      Everyone has issues. Some greater than others. But if you cannot fix the issues you have yourself, seek help and therapy.

      There is a lot of pain tied to colorism. But there is also the reality that if you really think about it – it makes NO SENSE whatsoever that a person’s attractiveness be soley based on skin tone. That is the most backwards and dumbest thing and if only more BW saw this as the reality it is, they would brush of this nonsense nad laugh and understand it for what it is.



      • kenna
        Jan 05, 2015 @ 14:01:43

        My mom is a nurse and I remember our neighbour use to have mental health problems. My mom encouraged to take his medications and make sure he gets them refilled. But one of his family members told him that they are for mad, crazy people and he should not take them. Well now he goes it is schizophrenic moments where he will start attacking people. But hey.

        There is a fraction of black society that believes that we cannot have mental illness because its a white folks ‘thang’.



    • bubblychie27
      Jan 05, 2015 @ 13:01:18

      I’ve been chosen over WW and AW too by WM. They were shocked, especially the WW. If BW could just trust their femininity they’ll see (^__~)



  4. Silver Roxen
    Jan 04, 2015 @ 05:58:31

    I thought about not commenting, because I didn’t comment on the other post. But, this reminds me of another post about childmen and one woman got really angry, so I posted an article from Young, Brown, and Feminine about moving on. I don’t think she read it, but others did. I figured this would happen because there used to be posts that celebrated the beauty of black women, and one post was about Asian/Black biracial women and one woman didn’t seem to like it. But another commenter said one day your children might look like them one day so she might as well celebrate. Also, I remember reading previous posts on many bwcentered blogs about black women being angry about being seen as exotic. So yeah there are people who get tired of the same thing when I thought we were past this.



    • Silver Roxen
      Jan 04, 2015 @ 06:00:32

      The other post I am referring to was the post on the Light girls film.



    • Neecy
      Jan 04, 2015 @ 22:18:12

      Silver Roxxen.

      The reality is, the problem lies solely within the person accepting that they are unnattractive over something as stupid as skin tone.

      I can look at attractive and beautiful blonde, blue eyed silky haired WW all day long, and not feel any resentment or feel inferioir because the reality is smart and intelligent people don’t base beauty on skin tone or even race.

      And knowing this, I can’t understand why more dark skinned BW don’t actually LAUGH at these fools instead of feed into it and let them win.



  5. Seashell23
    Jan 04, 2015 @ 06:33:37

    Hello Neecy,

    I’m coming out of a long time lurk mode to post a comment here. Firstly, I always look forward to your writing (including comments at other blogs), and I must say that this blog post is everything! I will excuse myself now since this is going to be a long comment. My apologies in advance…

    Ironically, a friend (who is Afro-British) called me up a few hours ago (before I read this blog post) to recount the details of a recent event. She was out with a mixed group of people which included a Caribbean BM, a British WW and a lighter hued AABW. While they were at the bar/restaurant, the AABW noticed the BM checking out the waitress that happened to be an African BW. When the AABW pointed this out, the BM revealed that he wasn’t that interested since he preferred his women on the lighter side. This send a round of gasps and indignation from everyone at the table (including the WW) and I guess a round of pestering from the women. This BM proceeded to tell my friend that he thought she was very beautiful, but for the most part, his preference was for light skinned BW. I guess the AABW who was with them mentioned how she knew certain light and dark skinned Black people in America who decided to stick together to preserve their respective colors. The British women were just floored at this and couldn’t believe how colorist America was.

    While she was telling me this story, all I kept thinking was “meh.” I’ve never subscribed to the whole colorist thinking mindset and aside from a very brief time in high school, I’ve never been a “woe is me, I’m dark and the world is over” kind of girl. I just went out and got mine instead. I guess I wasn’t giving her the reaction she expected because she kept going on about how Americans were so obsessed with color and “such things in her experience have never happened to her in the U.K. or with other Africans that she knew (her words, not mind).”

    It was at that time that I had to finally get real with her about some things and I let her know that while that was her personal experience, things appear to be much different in the U.K., France (because I used to live in both countries) and Africa. I let her know that black people the world over (for the most part) are colorist, and how this usually affects the women of the group in the worst way. In fact, I believe most people of color in this world practice colorism to some extent and usually, the lighter/whiter women are the beneficiaries of this system (I should add that we are currently living in an Asian country where you can’t pass a pharmacy without seeing an ad for a lightening and/or whitening product). While I was in the U.K. I heard BM talk some of the same nonsense about wanting light or even non-black women. While I was in France, I noticed how many of the hair shops that are located in the African immigrant areas sold and had advertisements for skin bleaching and whitening creams.

    I also gave her a brief lesson on the history of being black in America and how even though some of the rules and laws no longer apply, the oppressed have become the oppressor at this point and time. I also let her know that it’s funny how she mentioned that African people don’t practice colorism or “lighter skinned women worship,” yet, many of the recent, prominent stories of black women bleaching their skin have been out of Africa. I also told her I wouldn’t be surprised if many of the leaders and/or upper class men in Africa (this includes the ones living abroad) had lighter or non-black women (I believe Halima had a blog post about this a few years ago).

    I guess I must have got to her since she finally admitted that her father and all of her father’s brothers (who were born and raised in West Africa) had married LIGHT SKINNED OR WHITE WOMEN.

    Yep…all of them!

    I had no comment or words for her omission, nor was I surprised. I will also add this wasn’t the first time she has complained about BM choosing lighter or non-white women. I think my friend was just appalled that this BM had the audacity to say it to her face.

    I used to tell my friend all the time that she should look beyond BM in terms of romantic options. I will add that she constantly gets approached by high caliber, well-off, non-black men in Asia; but, as of a few months ago, I stopped talking to her about IR dating. She believes they all have ulterior/ fetish motives and they will pump and dumb her in a second. Mind you, the BM she’s encountered haven’t been quality individuals, but you know, they get the “black pass.”

    Like you said in your post, I believe some of these women need to leave their dysfunction in the BC and leave the IR scene alone; which may be the reason I stopped mentioning IR dating to her. If you feel that inadequate about yourself; or, if you harbor that much restatement towards groups that have nothing to do with your well-being in life, perhaps you should be seeking a therapist and not winks on OK Cupid.



    • Neecy
      Jan 04, 2015 @ 13:58:07


      Good for you. I can’t believe this woman acted shocked by his admission.

      You see the problem us BW are upset because they PEDESTALIZE dark skinned BM while putting down light and bi racial BM (who for centuries have proven to love darker skin women) and now these BW have cut off their noses to spite their face. Especially since dark BM have never placed dark BW in a pedestal.

      For her to act like it’s only an American thing, further proves the denial and damage so many BW refuse to acknowledge with their own groups of BM.

      Bi racial and light skinned BM have moved on and gave stopped trying to defend black dark women who have spent the last decades putting them down to PEDESTALIZE dark BM.

      And yes. There comes a time when you just gotta stop trying to convince some of these damaged women to move on. All they will do because of their low self esteem is attract sociopaths of all races and then once again say these men are the problems without recognizing they’re the ones with the issue.



  6. gettingmylifefindingmylove
    Jan 04, 2015 @ 08:20:10

    Yes!!! I think it’s very dysfunctional. No one in their right mind would want to be around someone like that. I really think a good portion of them are not interested in IR even though they say they are. I stopped visiting one site because the women are negative. They think they are moving forward but they’re not. Their vetting, discernment and observation skills aren’t as sharp as they think they are. They would realize they have been on the site for years and still haven’t accomplished a thing. Not dating (online and off), not engaged, not married, not traveling (in and out the country), etc. They fuss at the non-Black men who seem genuinely interested in them and the ones they should be suspicious of have free range.
    Another site the men wanted to know more about Black women….instead of telling them all the good things *sigh* they told them negative stuff. It was crazy! I believe quite a few of them actually need therapy.



    • Neecy
      Jan 04, 2015 @ 13:51:10

      Yes it’s just a reality that a lot of BW need to fix themselves internally before entering into prospective relationships – especially with non BM.

      Now they come running into it communities with their nonsense further creating a divide amongst BW and making the non BM feel as though we are women plagued with a boat load of issues.

      The only men these BW will attract are sociopaths who will feed on their insecurities like a paranah.

      Just sad and disappointing. Especially for the healthy BW who just want to be rid of this BS.



    • bgurrl
      Jun 20, 2015 @ 13:35:47



  7. Neecy
    Jan 04, 2015 @ 14:27:04

    I have so much more to say on the issue and respond. But I’m headed to the movies to see my BOO Mark Wahlberg in the Gambler. 😛



  8. ImAwake
    Jan 04, 2015 @ 15:22:27

    Happy New Year!!!!

    Neecy thanks for the thought provoking post.

    I’m conflicted with this post. I agree with everything you and the others posted, yet I want to be careful of not dumping on BW even if it’s for our own good. Yes, sometimes you have to rip off the band aid especially if it has been left too long but other times you can apply lotion to ease the tension and remove the band aid gently.

    Colorism is a band aid that has been left on a festering wound too long!!! By removing we can heal the wound it actually is covering up. Internalized racism.

    BW are in need of a lot of triaging but we are not alone in our “cray-cray” (with a booming psychopharmaceutical industry if BW fell of the face of the earth it would still be booming) . I know this is post is and your blog is focuses on BW in particular and AABW specifically but we are no more damaged than other in this insane crazy world. Because we are “unprotected” there is no one hiding/covering up our “insanity”. There’s no PR to spin it. Our crazy is plastered for all to see (with or without our own participation to put it display) (side note a few years ago there was a popular syndicated radio DJ who had been suspended off the air and when he was allowed back on his first show ‘was could be BW be single bcos they’re crazy?’ It hurt my heart. Well a WM called in and said hold up WW got everyone beat when it comes to crazy. Don’t you know this BM DJ *cough MichaelDisdain* disconnected the call and said stop negative racist talking about WW since and I quote he “Family I can’t afford to be pulled of the air again” )WTH (at the time I didn’t know anything about BWE and it’s presences online but I made sure to NOT tune into his madness)

    That being said, we should do ALL we can to heal OURSELVES in spite of what anyone else is doing around us. We are responsible for our own healing. Just because everyone else (BM and BC) wants to eat/wallow in $#it doesn’t mean we have to as well.

    Stop tuning into the madness. Change the dial.
    What occurred to me for the first time while reading this post is maybe some BW think that color struck BM are some how being rewarded for or let of the hook their “colorism” and “pain” (real and imagined that it inflicts. If it is any consolation BM who participate in this foolishness are not getting of the hook. I never met a BM or any BP who was color conscious and NOT CRAZY. Self hatred is a helluva drug.

    (I could say more but this blog is not about BM. Which is part (all) of the problem– BW make everything about BM. As if we were twins separated at birth and struggle daily trying find each other in the wilderness of whitesupremacy. We’re two halves attempting to become whole in order to set the universe straight. And restore and rule the world from Egypt (because that’s the only part of Africa we like) Sounds like some SciFi novel penned by Octavia Butler. Here’s the thing BM/BW weren’t womb mates. BW were born whole and complete yet this world did chip away at you but it’s your responsible to reclaim the pieces of YOU and BM are NOT those pieces.)

    Let’s leave the fantasy in the books and face reality. I say this with as much warmth and love I can spare… Black men are not Black women’s destined; pre-ordained; made to order soul mates. BM never received that message. BM got options and BM aint’ waiting on sisters of any hue. Waiting for BM to “realize” what a catch you are in all your caramel honey chocolate brown dark skin glory is causing many of us (dark and light) to wilt (let’s just yank this band aid off) correction to DIE on the vine.

    You Are Exotic Looking! And?
    You better get in where you fit in. Like Evia said in a post awhile back High Quality of any race are VISUAL and other women know this and play to this. They’re playing to win. HQ Men want/seek sex appeal in their women. (as a one time massage therapist I know a lot of women have sexual issues. A.L.O.T. this is why I ask that we go easy on each other ) And if this is something that shuts you down or you find off putting, you really should seek help in order to set appropriate boundaries with hopes of feeling safe with the opposite sex.

    Look if your exotic looks gets him to speak to you, so be it!!!! Be present, pleasant and vet. Please understand that if he’s a man of substance he’s only going to “stay” if you’re a woman of substance. So if you are why all the fuss and muss? He came for the looks and stay for the soul.

    It’ is called SELF Esteem for a reason…
    You owe it to yourself, your mate and offspring to be as whole as you possible can. You were born complete– unfortunately some of your self esteem might be been attacked but the good news is YOU. CAN. ALWAYS. MEND. IT!!!!! AND ONCE IT’S FIX WHO GIVES A FLYING SNOT ABOUT THE TIME IT SOME NEGRORAMUS ATTEMPTED TO BELITTLE YOU. LOL



    • Silver Roxen
      Jan 04, 2015 @ 16:04:27

      I love this response! Every BW needs to see it.



    • jazzyfae45
      Jan 04, 2015 @ 16:47:35

      Wow your comment sums it up perfectly! Couldn’t agree more.



    • Neecy
      Jan 04, 2015 @ 22:31:08

      @ IM AWAKE!

      Thank you for your post! you hit it on the head.

      And yes It hurts me to have to make posts like this because I truly want the best for all BW of all shades. So much so that I can get overly passionate and even angry when I feel we are taking ten steps backwards over some nonsnese.

      I believe there are times when BW should go easy on each other and times when the truth just has to be told and a spade called a spade no matter how painful it is.

      The fact is, BW are only shooting themselves and their potential in the foot when they do these things. No one is going to tell BW this but OTHER BW.

      If things are already a bit tough in the dating arena for BW, we should be making it as EASY as possible for ourselves to find love with quality men. And many BW feel that its other mens job to rescue them for their feelings of inferiority when its just not their job to do that. All these women will do is attract sociopaths and not quality men.

      BW need to just understand some hard realities when it comes to life and the dating arena and MEN. MEN will run away from women who look to be plagued with a bunch of issues. Instead of BW running to IR forums with their pain porn over colorism perpeutated by BLACK MEN, they should be running to therapists to help them overcome that so they can bring something to the table in a healthy relationship besides emotional trauma and baggage.

      No BW wants to take on a relationship with a man who has a boatload of emotional baggae stemming from other women, and neither do men.

      So many young BW do not get common sense talks from the people in their lives. I’m just trying to get young BW to see that the things they see so many BW doing are only working against themsleves.

      No one is these days is interested in rescuing BW. BW have to save themselves FIRST and heal themselves if they want to be successful in love and dating and life in general.

      And for me, I feel some tough love has to be dished out because there are so many YOUNG BW with so much potential falling by the wayside and getting caught up with so much of this nonsense that keeps hoilding BW back, that I really want to reach them and tell them as bluntly WHY they need to think and see how they can make life more difficult for themselves if they follow in the footsteps of BW who just don’t get it.

      BW have a lot of pain. And its not ogi ng to be resolve don internet forums. BW need to go seek therapy for any and everything they feel holds them back form loving themsleves, so that they can be a force to be reckon with not only in dating but life in general.

      The truth is, no one is going to say these things to BW face. If we cannot tell each other the truth about our actions then who will?

      Time is running out. No one is going to coddle and console BW. That’s just the cards we’ve been dealt. And the whole thing in a nutshell is, its not the WM or anyone else job to FIX and heal an adult women’s issues – except herself.



      • Anne Ndongo
        Jan 05, 2015 @ 16:47:06

        Neecy, you are right.

        The good news is that there are a lot of resources for dark skinned bw. Use these resources:
        – subscribe to a Facebook group about black beauty to get real life beauty tips (by people with normal salaries)
        – read blogs written by people who resemble you and seek to be beautiful
        -select your friends even among Black people. Make sure they do not harm ur self esteem (I have an acquaintance who is mixed and light skinned. I am a regular Black person- cute and sensitive. This friend is always making negative comments about black skin, and so on. I have worked hard to build up my self esteem and I do not want her issues to rub unto me. So I avoid her. )



        • Neecy
          Jan 08, 2015 @ 03:55:25


          I just saw your post.

          THIS is what in talking about – you nailed it!

          Have a plan for overcoming this other than just talking.

          Remove yourself from people and things that are soul crushing. Surround yourself with positive and affirming sites and social media. NIT ones that like to keep stuff stirring and keep you moving backwards instead of forward.

          Thus will be the only way besides therapy that you can heal.

          Honestly that light person in your life making comments about dark skin, should be removed altogether and no longer an acquaintance.



    • Neecy
      Jan 04, 2015 @ 22:42:26

      @ IM AWKE

      I also agree about what you said about BM. Its obvious BW and BM are not the soul mates so many BW believe us to be. Its unfortunate but that is the reality.

      BM have always worked from a selfish standpoint since the beginning of time. They have never collectivley worked on behalf of their race or women. They couldn’t hold onto the richest continent on earth – AFRICA. They keep selling mother Africa up the river for their own individual gains. The Black man and his people should be the welathiest most powerful man on earth with all the natural rich resources that Africa produces NATURALLY. But oh wells……..

      BW are in a very tough spot but like someone said, its the cards we have been dealt and we can either sink or swim. Feel sorry for ourselves or get in where we fit in and make the best life for ourselves.

      I don’t understand why so many BW allow BM to dictate thier value and self worth. I just don’t see them that valuable as men to have such an effect.

      I think what happens is BW see other races of men love and appreciate thier women and it hurts when BM do not do it. But its time to move on. Time to understand that if you are considering the IR route, you will not have to deal with the colorism. THUS, don’t even bring that baggae where it doesn’t even need to be!

      I have never heard a WM (unles she’s a red neck racist – and who wants any of them anyway) say deplorable things about dark skinned BW.

      If a NOn BM is opento dating BW, he MOST LIKELY doesn’t care what skin tone she is.

      This is why BW need to stop projecting thier insecurities and colorim onto NON BM. All it will do is make them look at you like you are unworthy and not of value.



      • Anne Ndongo
        Jan 05, 2015 @ 17:00:42

        To succeed in IR dating, BW also need to learn the art of PR.
        As Evia once said: only open your true selves to carefully selected individuals.

        Have a public persona and an intimate one.
        These two needs not be entirely separate. In fact it is probably better if you can use aspects of ur real personality to construct ur PR/Facebook/dating personality.

        Dating is like emotional strip tease (Dita von Teese kind). People have to be willing to get away from their daily lives to meet you. And they have to pay(ie reciprocate ur interest).Then you unfurl.
        Know how to give evasive answers. And if needed, practise in advance.

        For whatever reason, I just seem to say whatever pops in my mind when I am around people. And it is not always appropriate.
        So plan ahead. Have anecdotes about the world. Funny and inspiring stories about yourselves.



    • onthewaydown
      Jan 05, 2015 @ 21:10:34

      High five!



  9. BrownSmiles
    Jan 04, 2015 @ 16:21:12

    ImAwake…yes you are!
    Thank you for this post and the measured balance you provided.



  10. jazzyfae45
    Jan 04, 2015 @ 16:44:27

    I agree with you about a lot of black women getting help and healing before dating ANYONE. Even though colorism is very real at some point each individual black woman needs to examine herself and see if she is truly ready to move on. And if not then she should seek out the help she needs. Your also right about white men not having to deal with our baggage if they don’t want. They have plenty of options, they aren’t obligated to deal with our issues if they don’t want to. But if a white guy does choose to date a black woman he should be aware of the kinds of issues she goes through.

    But talking about colorism is very tiring. At this point I don’t even want to anymore because it turns into a pissing contest between light/dark skin women about who has it worse and jealousy and bitterness and nothing gets accomplished. Which is sad. But it never fails to happen smh.

    And dark skin women getting in their feelings about light skin/biracial black women also dating interracially is silly to me. Black/biracial women of all shades have every right and the freedom to date interracially just like brown/dark skin black women. Projecting our insecurities onto light/biracial black women is not right or fair and causes this mess in the first place. We need to support each other because frankly no one else is.



    • Neecy
      Jan 04, 2015 @ 22:47:38

      @ Jazzy

      But if a white guy does choose to date a black woman he should be aware of the kinds of issues she goes through.

      I agree to an extent. I say extent because its not their burden to carry. Telling him about colorism in the Black community is one thing. But expecting him to carry your burdens of feeling inferioir and not worthy because of what Black men and people did to you growing up is just not right.

      But to be honest – if BW think Wm and the world doesn’t already know about Black colorism against women, then those BW are in the dark.

      ITS been obvious for decades. BW do not need to go telling WM how affected they are by colorism – they see it. they see it in the partners BM choose when they are wealthy, they see it in the videos, hear it in thier music. Come on – The world already knows! That is why BW do not need to drag WM into this nonsense.

      WM and everyone sees the preference the Black community has for lighter women. They do not live in a vaccuum.



      • jazzyfae45
        Jan 05, 2015 @ 10:32:21

        Believe me I know that it isn’t their burden to carry. I’m just saying they be should be aware of it is all. It’s up to black women ourselves to get the help we need for it.



    • Neecy
      Jan 04, 2015 @ 23:03:23

      @ JAZZY FAE

      That is just it. BW cannot afford to create any further divide amongst oursleves. WE NEED EACH OTHER.

      But I have to be honest. When some BW go on and on about how light women are only sought after because of our skin tone – THAt is painful. because that says that to them we are just flesh filled with hot air. No substance, character or anything going for ourselves other than the skin color we are born.

      I take offense to that because I am more than my skin shade.

      At the same token, I actually get aggravated when I feel any old light skinned BW is seen as having more potential when clearly the darker skinned woman is more beautiful.

      Like I was watching Coming to America. And I get so damned irritated when I watch that movie, because the dark skinned sister in the movie should have been who Eddie Murphys character was going after. Clearly she was waaaay more attractive than the big headed light skinned plain Jane he was going after. But we all know why she was chosen as his “LEAD” over the more attractive dark skinned sister.

      Same thing with the show Martin. It always bugged me how PAM (the darker one) was being disrespected by martin and never had a real boyfriend while Gina got all the love. THAT annoys me and I will call it as i see it.

      So there are light skinned BW who get it and will call out obvious colorism.

      I’m just saying we need to leave it int he cesspool of the Black community where it belongs and start anew. And the IR arena is a place for dark and light skinned BW to not have to deal with these issue because most NON BM see all BW as one regardless of skin tone. So we should not be having these divisive issues int he IR commiunity because WE DON’T HAVE TO.

      And I was hurt that so many BW jumped down a WM’s throat for dating a BLACK WOMAN who happened to be light. Its like now we can’t even date WM without cathcing flack.

      These trouble making BW need to go somewhere and have a seat. We cannot allow them to divide us with thier pettiness and nonsense.

      BW of all shades need to stick together and appreciate and love one another, cause WE NEED EACH OTHER. And without each other, its gonna be a difficult journey as a collective.



      • Neecy
        Jan 04, 2015 @ 23:16:42

        And before anyone jumps down my thtroat for calling that light skinned woman in Coming to America a big head, I have a big head as well. LOL



      • jazzyfae45
        Jan 05, 2015 @ 12:53:51

        I’m glad that black women with light skin are able to recognize colorism. I get frustrated when I come across light skin black women and they just refuse to recognize it and just call darker skinned women jealous and bitter. But I agree with you about those comments about that white man’s choice (I think his name is Wes) for a date. I stated it once and I’ll state it again. Black women of all shades, full and half, have the right and freedom to date interracially. Black women with darker skin shouldn’t look at a lighter skin black woman dating a white man and feel slighted or offended or whatever. He chose who he wanted and that’s that. I thought that was so silly and disrespectful reading some of those comments.

        And I feel you about being hurt when other black women say light skinned women are wanted only for your skin. Especially when there is much more to you than that so I can sympathize. I think black women both light and dark keep in perspective when bring up colorism that no one wins and not make it about who has it worse.



  11. lovelyleblanc7
    Jan 04, 2015 @ 18:21:02

    Thank you!!!!! I never understood this colorism stuff and I’m black



  12. Jamila
    Jan 04, 2015 @ 20:16:13

    Neecy wrote: “You know what – a lot of BW just need HELP. There is nothing wrong with admitting this. A lot of BW need therapy before they even consider dating ANYONE.”

    I totally agree. The colorism issue is just the tip of the iceberg for many black women. I’ve met so many bw with very deep-seated issues, from abandonment issues over their father not taking an active role in raising them to sexual abuse as children to low-esteem as adults.

    Wherever a black woman goes, there she–and all of her issues or lack of issues–will be.



    • Neecy
      Jan 04, 2015 @ 22:49:05

      So true. But this is why BW need to be told that they need to get therapy and not seek it on internet forums. All this does is give her detractors more amunition to use against her.



    • Anne Ndongo
      Jan 05, 2015 @ 16:52:15

      Working on your issues. How to

      -read uplifting stories about BW
      -find positive meaning to ur life events
      – have goals
      – share them with people who can encourage you (or help you reach them)
      – minimise distractions
      -recognise when u use gossiping to avoid working on your goals
      -focus on your own life
      -save yourself



  13. Neecy
    Jan 04, 2015 @ 22:53:26

    I just want to say. The world already sees the colorism in the Black community. The world already KNOWS how BM would rather date anything furthest from Black.

    yall do not need to tell WM or drag them into this. if anyone today has eyes and ears, they already know how BM think and work when it comes to the women they prefer.

    Its not a secret. It hasn’t been a secret for decades.

    We all know that if more NOn BW made themselves available to BM, they would run so fast from BW and never look back.

    That is JUSt how they are as men and there is not enough crying begging pleading or conversation that will change that.

    this is why BW just need to let go of the colorism and MOVE ON. You are allowing damaged men who hate themselves to control you rmind and self worth to the point it WILL ruin your potential to attract quality men because no one wants to be with a woman with so much emotional baggage.

    STOP giving Bm your power. STOP allowing Bm to further divide BW of all shades because of THEIR ISSUES. Give your middle finger to colorism and understadn teh real root of it and who it comes from. Once you do that you will actually LAUGH at yourself for even allowing it to affect you.

    Colorism is not really about attractiveness. It ALL about other people’s insecurities being PROJECTED onto an easy target. PERIOD. END OF STORY.



  14. Nina
    Jan 05, 2015 @ 00:01:49

    Loved all these comments.

    BW need to take a therapeutic and spiritual journey before entering into any dating arena. It is part of having an A game.

    It is funny how so many sistahs will pray for a brothah, on their knees, at the altar, on the bus in the morning, but will just be so casual about IR dating with an attitude of, “well, I try this and if it don’t work, that nonBM wasn’t serious, etc.”

    This moving on to nonBM is real and necessary. It was suggested 25 years ago on television, I clearly remember the phrase, “Black women will have to expand their options”. It is causing me to re-evaluate everything about myself. My views, politics, loyalties, patience, self-view, everything!

    Many times colorism is just an excuse or act of self-sabotage because many of us don’t want to stand out in a crowd as an IR couple. I am shy too. But, you have to live in the generation into which you were born. If this is what we have to do so that in 25 years BW-nonBM relationships are just as accepted and normal as BM-nonBW relationships then we must accept the mantle. Personally, I think the BM has become poison to BW and it is imperative for our spiritual, mental and physical survival to exit from the BM arena. No videos, CDs, movies, etc. Detox, seriously.



  15. Dessie
    Jan 05, 2015 @ 00:40:57

    what I’m curious about is if mixed race women will be the new dark girls as more of them are born and less fully bw are born. I’ve already heard in some places like California this is the case. Therefore can bw leave colorism behind when this disease is in so many cultures including mixed race ones. I’ll post a article if I can find it about a bw with biracial children later.



    • Neecy
      Jan 05, 2015 @ 07:29:33


      To answer your question? YES BW can leave Colorism behind in THEIR LIVES. I say this as a light skinned woman with more dark skinned black female friends than light. Most of my light friends are not Black.

      I SWEAR to you – I never have these discussions with my friends EVER! I have never seen nor heard my friends talk about feeling less than for being dark. We never have these discussions!

      These are BLACK LOOKING women. So that is why no dark skinned women will convince me that “woe is them” because I have too many in my life who don’t even talk about thus stuff. GOD can strike me dead if I am lying.

      These are some if the most happiest fun loving women in my life. And you cannot tell them they are not FLY! These are the most picture taking chicks I know! They feel grrrreat about themselves and no one can tell my friends who are dark they aren’t cute – and they are pretty damned gorgeous! They don’t look at me as some competition b/c in lighter. They don’t think twice about that ish!

      I have so much fun with them and they are genuinely great friends. We don’t have light vs dark discussions. They don’t talk about how they feel “less than”.


      One if them just got married. The other just opened her own business. Another one just moved away and has recently married. And then I have other black female acquaintances I interact with who are also dark brown.

      I have an aunt who is OBSESSSED with herself (LMAO) you cannot tell her ANYTHING because she loves herself so much, she posts about 5 or 6 selfie pics an hour on Facebook lol- DARK SKINNED WITH SHORT NATURAL HAIR. And she will tell you she is FINE! She now lives in Miami and she can’t shake the men off with a stick. And YES believe it or not they are BLACK MEN mostly and she even has a Colombian who is head of resources somewhere after her. She is 42. She us dating a very wealthy Bahimian man who owns his own business and treats her like ROYALTY! He’s paying for my trip to come see her on my bday in Miami. She is once again DARK SKINNED WITH NATURAL HAIR! Granted she does have a big booty and nice figure, but she ain’t crying about her skin shade.

      We went to Vegas (all my friends and two of my aunts ALL DARK SKINNED) about 3 years ago for my BDAY – and can I tell you NONE OF US were short of attention from ANY RACE OF MEN. In fact my aunt was pulling White boys left and right and she has a big booth and extremely small waist. Yes her body is like the girls on videos.

      So thus is why it baffles me when I see so many dark skinned BW allowing this nonsense to control their lives! I have always had dark skinned family and friends that I am much lighter than and I swear to you they do not have these issues. HONESTLY they don’t!

      My best friend in college was chocolate with short hair. NO Colorism issues between us. We both dated a lot and had a blast together in college.

      SO YES if a BW wants to act like Colorism doesn’t exist in her life and she says EFF that then SHE CAN. I see living proof of this everyday with my friends and family. I swear this on my life. I am nit making this up. I don’t have dark skinned women in my life with these issues.



  16. Dessie
    Jan 05, 2015 @ 00:45:40


    • Dessie
      Jan 05, 2015 @ 00:48:44

      The article is called I’m Lighter.



    • Neecy
      Jan 05, 2015 @ 08:03:29

      Here IS something BW need to understand so they can put this in perspective and just STOP this COLORISM nonsense and understand it’s here to stay in the world but DOESNT have to stay in YOUR INDIVIDUAL LIFE.

      Here is the hard jagged pill to swallow.

      This world this society is dominated by those with WHITE SKIN. It’s been that way for CENTURIES!

      The Black race has NO POWER IN THIS WORLD. Power in terms of INFRASTRUCTURE. We don’t or can’t even control our own lands without White/non black involvement.

      All of the wealth accumulated by Blacks has been through WHITE SKIN.

      So. Yes white skin dominates thus world. And everything under that comes second in terms of power, influence and privledge.

      Because BM have not created a power structure fir themselves and their race, dark peoples the world over are on the bottom in terms of power structure, influence and dominance.

      a THAT MEANS (is the pill starting to go down?) that WHITE SKIN will always be at the top of the hierarchy simply because THEY CONTROL and influence most things b/c if their power and dominance.

      What this means – dark skin is the complete opposite if White skin. Since dark peoples in thus world have very little power, dark skin is not viewed as much in a world where the dominators who PAY DEE BILLS are white skinned.

      So if this were the other way around and BLACK MEN ruled the world – dark skinned people would be the most sought after desired skin color and WHITE SKIN would NOT BE.

      It’s just how things work!

      It’s your choice to accept or reject. But you will not CHANGE the reality that dark skinned peoples in this world have no real clout compared to the white skinned peoples of the world. So yes anything that falls closest to the dominators skin and race features will be more highly valued.

      That’s the hard jagged pill sweetie. BW can swallow it or keep spitting it out.

      It’s up to you!

      BW can continue to grapple with this reality in misery always questioning, or BW can THANK THE GOOD LORD ABOVE that we manage to get thrown a bone, and be grateful for the ability to LIVE and love regardless of our race and skin tone and get isht Done!

      It could be a Whole lot worse!

      This is why I keep telling talk to stop getting caught up in the nonsense and get your life because there was a time when skin shade REALLY kept you from living freely.

      BW of all shades today have the world as their oysters if TGEY choose to see it that way. Instead, y’all crying about shit that doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things!

      When you are being turned away from living where you wanna live, turned away from employment and getting education, turned away from going to venues BECAUSE if your dark skin, THEN holla at me.

      You can sink or swim. Get in where you fit in, or just keep spitting out that hard little jagged pill, and keep with this Colorism nonsense that means nothing in the grand scheme if things.

      Once again YOUR CHOICE.

      I’m glad I know BW (DARK SKINNED) in my personal life who have chosen TO LIVE IN SPITE OF.

      God bless them!



  17. bubblychie27
    Jan 05, 2015 @ 09:27:08

    From the WM I’ve talked to, they said that they never cared about the woman’s skin color. Like most of them don’t have a preference. I acknowledge the structure of colorism and I do my best to help deconstruct that negative notion that dark skin is inferior.

    I really do wish that a lot of dark skinned bw could see how beautiful they are, especially to me. I think they’re beautiful and stunning. But I think that it’s a inner demon that must be worked out. I have my own demons, and they’re hard to face but you must, in order to grow.

    It’s hard, but it must take a lot of self-reflecting and self-counselling. It’s when I think heavily on something then quiet my mind that I discover my answers. Meditation and Yoga helps, it doesn’t solve the problem but it helps.



    • Neecy
      Jan 05, 2015 @ 09:52:38


      It’s really sad that so many BW buy into this nonsense that says they are supposedly “inferior”.

      But like you said, it’s truly a personal journey that they have to take and fix on their own.

      But let’s not lose sit that thee are so many dark skinned BW who are doing just fine and loving and living life and who know they are beautiful.

      I don’t ever want people to drown them out because they exist all over.

      We always hear the “WOE IS ME” stories of dark skinned women BUT HARDLY ever do we hear of the “WHOA IS ME!!!” Stories of the scores of dark skinned BW. Who aren’t giving this nonsense the time of day.

      Liked by 1 person


      • bubblychie27
        Jan 05, 2015 @ 11:36:04

        Oh yes, I know a couple of dark skinned black women who are just glorious with seemingly bottomless self confidence. Truly wonderful and fun individuals to be around (^__~) And yes I’d love to hear the wonderful experiences of dark skinned black women. I really do enjoy hearing people speak highly of themselves and others, it motivates me.

        Yeah for the darker ladies(women in general) look’in to date interracially then they need to leave the baggage behind. New world, new man, also a NEW YEAR! 😀 I have the best wishes for everyone and hope that these people find themselves, heal themselves, and strive brightly. 🙂



  18. bubblychie27
    Jan 05, 2015 @ 21:38:21

    Reblogged this on Black Girl With An Attitude and commented:
    Thank you so much for this Neecy I swear 🙂



    • Silver Roxen
      Jan 06, 2015 @ 12:19:43

      I don’t have a WordPress account, but I loved your post this is what Neexy and others have been saying all along. I especially liked the fact that you showed the injustices that dark skinned people in other countries face. Colorism in America is a whole lot tamer than in other countries which brings it back to being grateful for living in America. I have always stayed neutral on the subject because I’m medium brown, thus I haven’t experienced either side of the coin. BW we just need to Move on because as Bubbly and Neecy has said colorism is not going to go away in our lifetime, it is terminal and focusing on it is not going to ensure us a quality life.

      Liked by 1 person


      • bubblychie27
        Jan 06, 2015 @ 18:04:31

        Exactly. I wasn’t trying to sound hopeless,it was just a fact. This system has been in place for hundreds of years, and it’s not going anywhere. It’s like super virus. Take segregation for example, it’s still there. There are just no signs like white only or colored only. Colorism in America has evolved the same way. Colorism is like a superbug, you find a solution, it adapts and finds a new way to survive.



  19. Trackback: Colorism and IR Dating…Problematic? | Black Girl With An Attitude
  20. msbbfortune
    Jan 07, 2015 @ 00:08:44

    OMG EXCELLENT TIMES INFINITY. I am so done. I am done. Let them pine away for Ray Ray and the rest. these words are so true. A Quality man no matter what the race does not have time to deal with women with baggage when there are plenty without it.




    Jan 07, 2015 @ 07:49:31

    I haven’t read through the comments yet, so I am replying to the post itself. I speak as a dark skinned woman.

    I hear what your are saying, and to a certain degree you are correct. However, there are several issues at play here that I think you are neglecting.

    1. I believe that I am beautiful and am comfortable in my own skin, and I believe that comes across fairly well. I say this because I have had incidents recently where a couple of lighter skinned women have tried to “put” me in my place so to speak. Their behavior mimics
    how some Caucasian women will treat you to let you know you should feel inferior. And when I ignore them, it bothers them. One has gone so far as to complain or try to compete when a man, ANY man does something nice in our department.

    It is really about privilege. The average Black women is trying (or should be) to position herself so she has some, while the lighter black woman is trying to keep what privileges she has.

    I have been treated consistently rudely by light skinned black women. Over the course of my life. This is not me wallowing in anything. These are facts. So when darker women see lighter women get what could be perceived as an upper hand in IR when it should level the playing field or increase their odds, then yes they feel some kind of way.

    And let’s be clear I have seen light women get in their feelings when a darker woman mentions that White men prefer darker women. They go all out to say that White men like ALL shades. If it’s not a big deal then why even respond?

    They are trying to keep that privilege and make sure they have options because as bm date more non black women their privileges and options shrink.

    2. Colorism affects darker black women at every level of society, RIGHT NOW, at this moment. So telling these women, myself included, to get over it is like a slap in the face.
    It’s hard to get over something when it continues to affect you daily. And I’m not even referring to dating.

    3. However, these feelings SHOULD NOT BE AIRED on a site that promotes interracial dating! It makes bw look bad. It does.

    4. So bw need a safe space to hash out these feelings, and many BWE blogs claim to be such, but they aren’t that safe because anyone can read them.

    5. Many bw need to seriously heal and deal with the dysfunction learned in our community and oftentimes in the very homes we grew up in BEFORE trying to date ANYONE. Like at all, period. Because there are certain things you just don’t air out. Because it’ll make you look bad, so you save it for the proper time. But because bw as a collective are used to airing out things other women keep to themselves, like wearing hair pieces, or fake eyelashes. I think it causes the average bw to feel comfortable with over sharing.

    But I don’t think that darker skinned black women should be lambasted for having these feelings, especially when no one seems to be taking light skinned women to task for basking in anti dark skinned women rhetoric and at times encouraging it.

    Also I’m not sure you personally know how it feels Neecy. You seem to be of a safer shade.



    • Neecy
      Jan 07, 2015 @ 12:16:20


      No one is denying that dark skinned prejudice. No one is denying that in the Black comunity dark skinned BW haven’t been the beneficiaries of skin color prejudice and hate and made to feel less than. I am saying. But I am sorry. I am not going to sit quietly anymore while *SOME* dark skinned women act as if light skinned women haven’t had to deal with the aftermath of colorism – in a different way. No one is denying that there are not obnoxious, evil hating light skinned women/girls who try to make dark skinned girls lives miserable or who think they are better – BUT THE PENDULEM SWINGS BOTH WAYS!

      Because for every story a dark skinned girl has of being mistreated by a light one, there are just as many stories of dark skinned women picking on and even PHYSICALLY harming light skinned girls out of anger. I damn near lost an eye after being jumped in high school by FIVE dark skinned girls who hated me because i was lighter, dated a basketball player and from thier own words “that bitch think she cute”. So PLEASE! Until you have had your head kicked in, your eye almost taken out, threatened to have your face slashed and have just generally been physically and verbally harrassed for doing nothing but trying to live your damn life I am not going to let yall sit here and just act like you are the only BW in the community that has gone through something at the hands of colorism.

      A lot of times what dark skinned BW will do is mis direct thier anger and resentement towrds light skinned women when your real issue is with the MEN who you hate for placing light skinned women before you.

      I was subjected to this colorism hate towards light skinned girls my entire life from junior high through high school. And you know what? I got over it. i did not nor DO I look at all dark skinned women as the enemy even though many made my life a living hell from junior high on. And because of that, I met some of the most wonderful friends through college and such who were all dark brown women. I realized that not every dark skinned woman has it out for light skinned women and that also works the other way around. not every light skinned BW thinks she’s better than a dark one.

      And what kinds of privledges are yall talking about, that is holding dark BW back from living! You guys act as if light skinned BW just have it made in the damn shade in this world. Are you guys being denied jobs in the workfore? Are you unable to walk and just generally live your life as you please because you are dark? Are you unable to get educated becausae you are dark? And frankly, a lot of the reasons many of you get passed up by most men is not becausae of your dark skin but because of your NEGATIVE energy and feelings about yourself or skin tone! Most healthy men (yes even Black) are not going to pass up any attractive gorgeous women just because her skin is dark. The fact is there are still plenty of dark women getting married, pro creating and such for yall to keep up witht his woe is me nonsense. The difference between them and the ones always crying about their skin color is THEIR MINDSET. They haven’t let colorism defeat them.

      You guys act is is light skinned BW do not experience prejudice. Guess what? Seriously just stop! In global arena no one cares if a woman is light or dark. They see us all the damn same! BLACK is BLACK to everyone excpet Black people with issues.

      But whether some of you want to agree or not, colorsim affects all BW in one way or another.

      My parents had to pull me out of school and put me in HOME STUDY at the recommendation of the principle and counselors – MY SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL (the most important year and last year you get to spend with your friends) to avoid being further picked on and harrassed and physcally harmed by so many of the hateful and bitter dark girls in my high school. And so, MY LIFE had to be re-adjusted because of the hate and jealousy and the DANGER. I couldn’t go to school everyday and hang out with my friends like normal people do because of the THREAT of these girls. So don’t tell me that light skinned women don’t go through it as well at the hands of darker women with MIS-DIRECTED anger and resentment.

      i’m tired of this nonsense and I’m not going to sit quiet anymore.

      Now I understand how non racist Whites feel when they are always dragged into racism nonsense and looked at as racist simply because they are White with more privledge. I completely know how they feel, and understand why so many are just tired of the BS and nonsense and just want some damn PEACE!

      I swear yall are going to hate me when I get my media thing going. Cause I am NOT giving any credence to this nonsense. My goal will be to show how Healthy BW of all shades can actually get along and love themselves and one another without this silliness.

      I am SO THANKFUL that I don’t run across this craziness in my personal life and that I am surrounded by healthy and loving dark girls AND LIGHT who don’t give this BS credence.

      Its just exhausting.

      Liked by 1 person


      • Rae
        Jan 07, 2015 @ 15:54:33

        WOW NEECY! I felt compelled to write this but my oh my. Privilege is a helluva drug! Studies have shown that dark skin women ARE less likely to get jobs, longer prison sentences, less likely to get married. This doesn’t shock me that your dismissive and tired of dark skin women you believe playing ‘victim’. I am dark skin but i got over my ‘dark skin issues’. By god’s grace I didn’t endure abuse from my own family but from classmates. The whole ‘it goes both ways’ is truly B.S. and it sounds like white people who try to equate the n-word with cracker. Or, when white people try to equate to being jumped by black people to black people being lynched.The abusive words dark skin girls and women hear and go through are so vicious and disturbing. I have seen and heard things that I don’t even want to repeat. BTW Science has proved that trauma is passed through DNA, so getting over it is truly a slap in the face. Again, PRIVILEGE IS A HELLUVA DRUG!!! Do I have issues with being dark skin? Absolutely not! I am Naomi Campbell’s skin shade. But the things I’ve seen, heard, and witness in the street and online that has made me so nauseous is truly hurtful and dismissive to dark skin girls who are going through pain and suffering.

        The brutal truth of the matter is YOU NEECY are more likely to get married because you are a safer shade like beauty in grace said, which makes it so easy for you to be so optimistic. Just like white people are optimistic when it comes to the police. I believe that is why dark skin women get anxiety when the topic of marriage comes up. ALSO, when you pass through the projects anyone who is observant can see the vast majority of black people that live there are the darkest shade of black people. Reading what you wrote to beauty in grace really showed me, PRIVILEGE IS A HELLUVA DRUG!



        • Neecy
          Jan 07, 2015 @ 16:52:33

          *wondering how you slipped through moderation after your last shenanigans*


          YOU Rae are a PERRRFECT example of a “woe is me” Black woman who cannot even see your blessings because you are so caught up in your own self defeatist attitude. So much so that people finally called you out. i tried giving you the benefit of the doubt, but since you wanna go there hun, we can.

          You are the PRIME example of what I am talking about when i say BW who do not realize how good they have it. Here you are a 19 year old YOUNG BW who is getting educated in a city where there are tons of men of all races. Yet you sit on this forum day in and day out talking about how BLEAK it is for Black women and dating. YOU sit in places being un productive and then wonder why you cannot find love or a mate. I’ll tell you why. it isn’t because of your dark skin – ITS YOUR MINDSET and I have told you this many of times.

          The point of me calling you out above is, If you are any representative for the amounts of dark skinned Black girls with this SAME defeatist attitude, then i clearly understand why many will never marry. It snot your skin tone ITS YOUR MIND and NEGATIVE ENERGY!

          You of all people have a lot of nerve coming on here talking about anything when you are the biggest “woe is me, woe is Black women” on this blog. The PRRRIME Example of what I am talking about.

          Ok so colorism exists and has existed for CENTTTTTTTTURIES! what are yall going to continue to do about it? That’s like light skinned BW sitting around all day everyday talking about the privilege of White women with blonde hair and blue eyes. AND? It aint changing a damn thing.

          Keep talking about something you WILL NOT CHANGE. You are not going to change colorism as long as the most powerful in the world look completely different from you and have lighter skin than you.

          What you can change is YOUR MINDSET and make the most of your life. We all know this is something YOU and many other BW refuse to do because it’s easy to talk about the BAD BAD and NEGATIVE all the time. It’s easy to say that your skin tone is holding you back instead of how you THINK. Yall can keep talking talking and talking until you are blue in the face and the rest of the world keeps turning and moving.

          It’s the same with Blacks and racism. racism is alive and well. The root of racism is privilege for the ones who are in power. Some Black people will continue to whine about slavery, racism and how they can’t get nowhere cause of the “WHITE MAN PRIVLIDGE” and other black people will suck it up and make the most of their lives. Same THING HONEY!

          All this privilege you guys keep talking about is MINUTE when it comes to the bigger picture. And that bigger picture is light skinned BW don’t have THAT MUCH MORE damn privilege than yall do!

          We experience racism. We experience predjudice. We see others with more privilege than us.

          LIFE AINT FAIR!

          It’s the same as me sitting on here all day talking about how Blonde WW get all the love. YEP. And guess what. No amount of me complaining is going to change what people like and love. And YES believe it or not, there are women who have more DATING and marriage privilege than LIGHT SKINNED BLACK WOMEN. *GASP* Who you ask? Women LIGHTER than Light skinned BW! *OH MY YOU DON’T SAY*

          But you want to continue to act as if light skinned BW are the pinnacle of privilege when we are also faced daily with the reality that there are those other women in society who have even more privilege than us.

          You say light skinned BW are more likely to get married and that is privilege. I say White and non-Black women are more likely to get married dover ANY BW be her light or dark because of their privledge.

          AND. That’s life babe! We all gotta accept it.

          I laid it out for you. DARK SKIN will never be privileged in a world where the LEADERS, MOVERS AND SHAKERS are WHITE!

          That’s it. take it or leave it. that’s the REALITY. that’s the TRUTH.

          How many times do i have to say this!

          You want to talk about privilege. its runs through all kinds of people, classes and things in this world.

          You want to talk about job privilege. Well let’s!

          Prettier attractive people have more job offers than less attractive people. There are studies that show thinner women have more privilege and are offered jobs at higher salaries than fatter women. White women make more on the dollar than Black women.

          YOU have privilege over a woman who is handicapped. You have privilege over a woman who is poorer than yourself and doesn’t have resources. You have privilege in a job over a woman who does not have an education. You have privilege over a woman born with birth defects.

          Shall I keep going? PRIVLEDGE exists in all kinds of ways!

          The very men you are seeking as mates WHITE MEN have TONS of more privilege than you or any Black woman walking. Yet yall managed to happily accept that. But still wanna argue back and forth with light skinned women over the pea size amount of privilege we have over yall?

          YEAH. its becomming clear what the real issue is here.

          Are yall gonna sit at the dinner table with your future NON BLACK MEN you are seeking and arguing with them about their PRIVLIDGE all day everyday like you do with light skinned BW who have a sliver more of privilege than you and who are fighting MANY of the SAME BATTLES you are?

          Do you think the Non BM yall are seeking as mates share the even REMOTLEY the same or similar struggles or histories with you that a light skinned BW would? NO. But you’re willing to let them live and still seek love nad life with them while arguing with YOUR SISTERS about a SLLLLLLIVER of privledge we have over you.

          Its clear this is pure resentment and mis-directed anger. if it weren’t you would HATE even those who have the abundance of privlede over you – WHITE MEN. But you don’t cause they are men and are not your compeition.


          I’m getting a real headache dealing with this BS. And I want anyone who feels that light skinned BW are not in the struggle with you and are against you to LEAVE this blog nad never return.

          i spend day in and day out trying to bring BW together to better themselves and I will not allow this DIVISIE BS on my blog and in my cyber life.

          BE GONE and please take you colorism nonsense with you.

          I don’t care if I never have anyone on this blog. i am only interested in Black women of all shades who want to STICK TOGETHER and undrstand we are all fighting and struggling for the same THINGS as BW.

          My blog is not the place for this stupididty and pettiness.

          Liked by 1 person


          • Neecy
            Jan 07, 2015 @ 18:45:42

            Oh I forgot one.

            YOU RAE and any other women under 25 have a better chance at marraige than women in their 30s and 40s.

            Women in their 20s have a better advantage in dating than older women.

            Put a 20 year old Equally attractive dark skinned girl up against a 40 year old light skinned woman And see who gets snatched up and gets the privledge of AGE. THE YOUNG GIRL! And I totally accept that!

            So do not talk to me about privledge! It crosses all people at some point and benefits many people at some point.

            The diff between me and women with a defeatist attitude about their lack of privledge in a certain arena is – I don’t hate on younger women who have a greater advantage in the mating arena than I do at 40. I completely ACCEPT that most men would snatch up a 20 year old over a 40 year old in a heartbeat.

            I’m not going to go through life making younger women feel guilty about what privledge they have over older women.

            I accept and appreciate the men WHO FIND ME VALUABLE AND ATTRACTIVE and understand I’m younger than some other women who may also have to accept 40 year old women have greater advantages than they do in mating than a 60 year old.

            Do y’all see where I’m going?

            LIfe AINT FAIR!

            You can live with a defeatist attitude about it or just live the best most enjoyable care free life possible.

            YOUR CHOICE.

            But not act shocked when men don’t want to be around or with you because of a defeatist attitude, baggage and complaining about things you cannot change.

            Liked by 1 person


          • bubblychie27
            Jan 29, 2015 @ 10:46:55

            This comment is excellent. You have summed up my thoughts exactly. Because I’m a light skinned black female as well. And it hurts when I see other vilify each other because of a skin tone. I have learned that, don’t let your physical attributes hold you back. Fat,Skinny,Dark Skin, or Light Skin, you must push for success. I even heard one darker skin black woman say that lighter skinned black women should fight for them. Like my mother exclaimed “How can you help someone and they don’t even want to help themselves”



        Jan 11, 2015 @ 22:40:58

        Neecy: You sound like a Caucasian person hollering about reverse racism. A large percentage of BW in this country are dark skinned. These women are saying they are hurting because if the treatment they face not only in their communities, but also in the United States at large, and your response is to get over it, because of what you went through in HS? I’m sure that your experience isn’t that rare, and I’m not trying to play down how hurtful that has to be, but if you compare sheer numbers I’m sure that what dark skinned women have to go through is from more numerous and traumatic because it’s day in day out and from many angles and yes life long.

        Yep, I have been denied work because of my skin tone. I even had these light skinned owners try to trick me into working for them for free. Yep, they tried it. I also had a guy tell me that he and his brother applied for the same position. He had more experience, his brother had none, guess who got the job? And guess who was offered the lower position?

        When you say that DSBW’ s issue is with the men, it reminds me of when bm try to act like WW were innocent on the plantation and WM are guilty. Yes bm have a large hand in it. But LSBW benefit and want to make sure they continue to do so. When dsbw are attacked and compared to men, and abused over a beat in a song, lsbw in general are very content to stay silent because it doesn’t affect them. And because it continues to keep them on a pedestal BUT when dsbw wanna talk about their constant mistreatment THEN lsbw wanna come out and speak up. LOL!

        When dsbw try to air out their hurt feelings instead of listening you are trying to shut them down. You have no right. I AGREE it shouldn’t be done on an IR forum, but it needs to be done. Since your collective experience in this country is different, and has been since it’s creation, your main job should be just to listen, or leave the discussion since your life experiences have left you unable to sympathize.

        In order to get over something usually people have to work through it. This is where these women are at. I believe that DSBW are finding their long stifled voices, and to me right now it feels like lsbw are trying to drowned them out. I know is hard to step aside when it’s been about you (lsbw) for so long.

        I strongly feel that dsbw need to separate their image from that of lsbw/biracial bw. But that ALL bw need to work together to improve our image and push our brand.

        I respect you and the work you do here on your page. So we’ll have to agree to disagree.



          Jan 11, 2015 @ 22:53:16

          I also think that many of the advice and insights that the BWE writers give, though they are great and can help ALL bw, are naturally geared towards dsbw because lsbw are allowed to be women and are expected to behave as such while dsbw are often treated as men, and are often ridiculed at a young age when they try to behave as girls. They are also taught to chase boys and be the aggressor.



    • Neecy
      Jan 07, 2015 @ 12:37:15

      B.I.G said:
      And let’s be clear I have seen light women get in their feelings when a darker woman mentions that White men prefer darker women. They go all out to say that White men like ALL shades. If it’s not a big deal then why even respond?

      You know what. Imma let yall and the light skinned women with these issues battle it out.

      I honestly don’t have time for this nonsense.

      People can say what they want and believe what they want on both ends.

      Its STUPID. All of this is STUPID on both sides.

      “whitemen like dark women” “No white men like light women” “No white men like all shades”.

      I mean do you guys really see how you look?

      Keep up this sabotage and see where it gets ANY BW in the long run.

      This petty bickering over what men like is SILLY cause NONE OF YALL ARE MEN! MEN like all kinds of damn things. Some like dark skin. Some like light skin. Some don’t care. Some like blondes. Some like brunettes. Some like Asians. Some like mixed women. Some like brown eyes. Some like green eyes. Some like bue eyes. Some like curvy. Some like stick skinny. Some like overweight. And MANY just like ATTRACTIVE SEXY WOMEN of any race or shade.

      Are you seeing where I am going? There is no ONE SIZE FITS AL For men! All this arguing over what men like is SILLY and high school!

      Liked by 1 person


  22. Mike Street Station
    Jan 07, 2015 @ 08:54:19

    Usually when I read a comment or post on what men like or what men are thinking I eye roll (they usually don’t have a clue) but I think in this post Neecy nailed it on how men think.



    • Neecy
      Jan 07, 2015 @ 12:22:24

      LOL Mike! THX is always better to hear it from the horses mouth.

      Yes we women often times like to say what “men like” and a lot of times we are completely clueless and its usually based on what *WE* want them to like about women.

      But there are just some common sense things that are OBVIOUS to anyone who is keen to the opposite sex.



  23. Neecy
    Jan 07, 2015 @ 20:04:02

    Also i want to point out another thing that BW just don’t realize is very self and collectivelly sabotaging while you are on public interracial sites and forums crying about colorism and your dark skin.

    You are making your BRAND look very NOT VALUABLE to potential suitors.

    Imagine if BW had all the options of men in the world of all various types and looks. And imagine if you were interested in Blonde White males and thought blue eyes and blonde hair was just abosultely amazing. Imgaine going to places where you might find many of them congregating and talking about dating Black women.

    And then as you read all of their comments and posts week after week, all you see are them talking about how their blonde hair and blue eyes is “at the bottom” “inferioir to men with tan skin and dark hair and eyes” how “men with dark hair and dark eyes are always considered more attractive than they are” How “they don’t feel or are made to feel less MANLY because of their blonde hair nad blue eyes” how “WHITE WOMEN are always choosing dark haired and dark eyes tan skinned men over them”

    I mean what would you start thinking?? Even if you thought at one point blonde hair was beautiful would you want to be with a group of men who others see as inferior? NO!

    Why would they.

    If you are always talking about how “inferioir” your “BRAND” is viewed people don’t want it. PERIOD.

    Men like to be with women who they feel others want or who they feel has a valuable brand.

    If you are always announcing to the world how “dark skin is ugly to others” how “dark skin never is seen as beautiful” what do you think is going to stick in peoples minds?

    You are talking down about your unique BRAND.

    If all people associate with Black women is PAIN and STRUGGLE, then your BRAND represents that and you can’t compete.

    The more you talk about how horrible your plight is because of being dark, the more you are sending the message that your “BRAND” is associated with pain, struggle and inferiority.

    Yall need to start thinking about stuff! You are entering into a whole other arena where people are more objective and see stuff.

    BW need to start using their heads. Get your mind right because you are actually not helping yourseves by making others see you as inferioir with your constant inferiority talk.

    Liked by 1 person


  24. Neecy
    Jan 07, 2015 @ 20:25:11

    Even if yall have to FAKE it till you make it do that!

    Yall need to be on these forums and public settings NOT talking about how har dyou have it having dark skin but rather –

    “oooh girl I cannot shake these men off with a stick! Always talking about my luscious dark skin! i mean damn they act like they aint never see or tasted chocolate before. it sactually getting a bit tiring having to al the time tell people I am more than a smooth skinned chocolate girl. Jesus! i get it. yes dark skin is beautful. But Please fellas stop making na ass of yourself because there are ENOUGH dark skinned women to go around without you alway sharrassing me about how gorgeous my dark skin is. UGH!”

    “OMG! You too! its like everywhere I go they cannot stop telling me how gorgeous my skin is! I’m glad I aint the only one going through this. LMAO! Oh well I guess we should be happy our dark skin is considered so attractive by some men out there. *shrug*”

    Yall better listen to NEECY – I am truly trying to lead you to the promise land!




  25. IvyJain
    Jan 11, 2015 @ 07:54:52

    These comments are making my head hurt.. I get colorism, but like racism I acknowledge that the world is unfair and adjust my viewpoint according!

    Colorism really angers me when I see the erasure of brown skinned woman in the media. Biracials cast as full black historial figures, etc. But alas, I am not a Hollywood casting director so my ability to affect change there is none.

    I grew up in neighborhood that was mostly black and puerto rican. As a brown skinned girl (celebrities Nicole Beharie and Brandy are around my complexion) I knew I was dark in comparison but I don’t remember being teased or harassed because of my skin color. Not in elementary school. Not in middle school. Not in high school, nor in college. On the job, I am black period and I’ve worked in majority white offices.

    I’m a big proponent of “do you”. While it’s important to be aware of structural discrimination, your person position and sphere of influence comes first. I really don’t care or agonize about light skin women dating white men. This doesn’t register to me as “there’s less white men for women like me!” A relationship is 1 to 1. That means, you only need ONE man and building a good life together with him is paramount. I have a white boyfriend so I really don’t care about the dating patterns of other white men that date interracially, nor white men in aggregate (who in majority only date/marry white woman).

    Focus on ONE and living YOUR live. Be well.



  26. Myladyviolet
    Mar 12, 2015 @ 11:25:11

    Christelyn took five young ladies and presented them, for Wes to take out on a date. The choose one, to make a long story short, he turned out to just be stringing women along, and told her , a young lady named Carrie that he choose from the five, he is not interested in a relationship. Though he told Christely. Otherwise.

    Black women created colorism division, over a fool who turned out to be not worth their time!!!!!!!



    • Neecy
      Mar 13, 2015 @ 15:36:57

      Honestly my opinion on the matter is this. It was simply his “nice” way of saying he didn’t want to pursue anything further with that particular woman. I am not getting all this uproar and pushback of the BW on there other than to say it makes them look petty and bitter simply because a man OBVIOSULY said that because he didn’t have any sparks with the particular woman.

      People do it all the time. It’s called dating to find the person you want to settle down with.

      Just because a White man goes on a date with you and states he interested in a long term doesn’t mean that YOU will necessarily be that person. So if a man initially says he’s looking for a relationship and then after our date changes that, I put two and two together and simply say “oh well he’s probably just not interested in settling down with me for whatever reasons. ” ok big deal! Move on. That doesn’t make him a “dog, DBR or a bad person” because he changed his mind.

      What would make him a DBR or a dog or loser is stringing a particular woman along for a period of time telling her he is interested in a relationship with her, THEN suddenly changing his mind. And even then he has a right to change his mind.

      BW need to stop with this overreacting of stuff because of fragile egos. It’s called dating 101. And because a lot of BW don’t date a lot they take things like this so damn serious whe it happens all the time in dating.

      People have a goal and sometimes you are just not apart of it for whatever reasons. If they decide this after meeting with you, then move on like an adult and stop with the over reaching and over reacting to this.



  27. Nichelle
    Mar 19, 2015 @ 22:14:39

    Just reading the comments expressed by many black women reaffirmed my belief that I was blessed to have been raised by a mother who believe in black liberation and who confronted sexism. Here are by thought:
    Dark skinned black women who experienced or experience some type of trauma BC of their skin tone do not own the dark skinned back fe.ale narrative. This not to be confused with these individuals simply being quiet and getting over it. Simple there are dark skinned black women whowere not and are not personally wounded by this matter and / or it is not their internal story. Our absence from the black female colorism narrative is unfortunate narrative BC we have much to contribute.

    Fair skinned black women enjoy or enjoyed certain or some privileges and they have encounter or encountered.
    I am sure there is a brow skinned perspective that has missing for ages.
    We all have work to do. If a person is wounded and unable to get unstuck yes she needs intervention. If her woundedness or victimization has become her internal and consequently her external story she needs an intervention. She does not need to be silent about her pain in order to appease or make others comfortable. We cannot expect wounded black women to be silent in order to feel comfortable. Just as sounded black women must commit to doing the work that only they and an interventist can do.
    Insomuch that no person who is deeply wounded should not be seeking partnerzhips until they are better, well, or functional it is reasonable to suggest that wounded dark skinned black women not bring there stuff along. I will add that all people bring baggage to relationships what makes wounded dark skinned women trash extra smelly?



  28. Reem11
    May 15, 2015 @ 21:39:51

    Neecy I am a bit late to this post, but lady you nailed it. God Bless



  29. Kay
    May 19, 2015 @ 09:35:13

    BW don’t talk about colorism to get black men back. I see the blogs. They discuss it to let black women know that there is a bias and they are not first choice for black men. I am seeing more and more black women wake up.



  30. LovelyAvis
    Jun 04, 2015 @ 14:11:55

    I would like to say something on the colorism issue. I am light brown (in between light and dark skin). I think it is really time to let it go as Niecy said. When I would see all the anti-black woman propaganda and all the articles, studies, etc. It used to make me feel discouraged and down, being a black woman. When people take a jab at black women, especially dark ones, I feel it too. Anybody disrespecting black women regardless of shade especially dark offend me a lot, because I feel like dark skin is an epitome of blackness, and this is MY race (me being dark or not doesn’t matter). I remember thinking “What are we gonna do about this? How are we gonna get validation and recognition for our beauty?” I got to a point where I realized that nobody is going to bring down their pedestal for us or roll out a red carpet because they pity us. Seeing how these elements in society are not likely to change, I was at an f-that point. Our validation has to come from ourselves. Seeking validation and worrying about what other people think causes negative feelings that will leave you feeling out of control- don’t do it! What matters is what the Lord thinks. He has ALREADY put you on a pedestal before you were born! Instead focus on what you CAN change! Change your mindset to see yourself as beautiful, your skin, and hair (I found that men of all races LOVE natural hair, who would have thought!), full lips, curves, etc. as unique assets, instead of bad. Get some positive thinking and confidence in your life. One secret to have an advantage in the dating world? Not good looks it goes beyond that, but femininity in appearance and mannerisms, wink wink. Check out some blogs on it. In addition to that, expand your social circle and get comfortable talking to different races of men, and you’ll find men who are interested enough to snag you up as not just a date, but a WIFE. Just try it, but you need to change your mindset of yourself first. I am all for black women finding not just love but happiness and contentment in life. I love what Niecy is doing with this blog. Regardless of shade, she cares about ya and is doing a good thing!



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