DON’T STAY LOSING PART I: HARD TRUTHS

TRUTHS.

*here’s a hard truth. I  *really* don’t know what the hell nuanced means yet. But I’ve looked up the definition, used it in a couple senstences and have a pretty creative brain. So I am going to use the term and concept of nuances in the post. The  HARD truth is, I may use it in the wrong context and if I do, hopefully someone out there can guide me LOL to the correct way of using it. I think. I’ve got it though. But not 100% sure*

 

I have had many kinds of job in many different industries. One industry I want to use as a creative illustration of what I am getting at in this part of the series of TRUTH, is sales. I want to compare and contrast as to how it relates to what BW are going through in the dating arena.

 

 

 

Most people do not know exactly much about what a sales representative or sales person does other than harass you to buy something they are selling (lol). But there are so many different functions that go into being a professional business sales rep. And there is an actual FORMULA to being a successful sales rep even in the face of uncertainty (i.e nothing is final in sales until you actually get a YES and some ACTION towards buying the product/service you are selling).

 

 

 

In sales, you have products and services. And one thing you will always have in sales, the driving force behind sales is COMPETITION. Almost any product or service has some sort of competition. You may be selling a product or service that has very low market share compared to a competitor or competitor(s) who have much bigger market share than your product.

 

 

 

There are a number of reasons why a competitor may have more market share than your product.

  • They could have better financial backing; which means more advertising and marketing dollars are spent promoting the product and service to people, therefore reaching a larger audience and ultimately gaining a large percentage of the targets reached
  • The product may come from a company that has been around for years and where many people feel safer in doing business with a more stable company
  • The competitor’s product may have put more $$ and such behind developing the product giving it a better advantage than a smaller company without the $$ or resources to create the best product out there
  • The product can satisfy the needs of the larger market because of its ability to produce its output due to the company’s resources to create and push out more to satisfy the market

 

 

So think of this in terms of BW and our “PRODUCT”. We are the underdog small market share product (WOMEN) trying to compete against the same product – WOMEN (of other races) for some market share in the love, marriage, dating arena.

 

Right now, the market share belongs to Non-Black women, by SHEER numbers and because they belong to the most powerful groups of men in the world. Our product is just as good in many cases, but we do not have the NUMBERS, marketing, promotional dollars and backing or power compared to our competitors to really take much of the market share. The competitor can even use much of their resources to pull out our products not so great attributes. We can do the same, but it will not have the same impact because of our lack of power, resources and finances to do such.

 

 

 

And that is OK! Because usually what a smart salesperson does who knows where they stand in terms of the competition, they will adjust and strategize a way to make the best and most impact they can with the product they have.

 

 

 

In many cases if you cannot affect the larger market share of your competitor, you can still chip away at it and gain a great percentage of it based on your potential and need. But you also have to have a majority of the same valuable qualities as your competitor to EVEN compete in the first place. Being a woman alone is not enough. And because your product is smaller, you have to work much harder to prove its worth to the market.

 

 

 

You do not NEED the entire market to buy your product to be successful. All you need is to get enough people to see the value in your product and give you their business over the competitor. But always be mindful, these people can easily go to a much easier to obtain competitor if your product doesn’t deliver or if your product is causing too much STRESS or isn’t serving the purpose the intended party bought it for.

 

 

Because no large competitor with a great deal of market share owns ALL OF THE MARKET – you can get in where you fit in (if you play your cards right).

 

 

 

So. In essence. If you are a “underdog” product with a very small chance of owning the greater market share (just by the reality that you do not have the financial backing to compete with larger competitors with more $$ and resources and power), you will find your NICHE and get in where you fit in.

 

 

This is something and a secret I learned in a job where I was selling a medication that had more and larger well known competitors on the market. These other two competitors put together owned over 75% – 80% of the market. When I first started that job, I was trying to get every doctor to write my product over their product. I wanted them to VALIDATE my product over the competitors. *UHM NO BOO BOO!*

 

 

 

And many of them wouldn’t because they (1) had more experience with the other product (2) had a more developed relationship with the reps of the other products (3) were reluctant to try something new that had not be proven for as long as the competitors (4) because the competitors did a great job of pointing out the “supposed superiority” of their product over mine. And I found I was running into a dead end taking this route. However, there was some problems that came along with the competitors product, where my product didn’t have.

 

 

 

And so I finally figured it out. To be successful, I have to promote the uniqueness and VALUE of my product as opposed to trying to steal all of the market share from my competitors. And my product HAD TO DELIVER on that value. And because it did deliver, and I built credibility and trust with my customers, they began being loyal to my product, writing it, promoting it to their patients, and even recommending to others doctors. WORD OF MOUTH! And I made GOOD money selling a product that only had maybe 5-10% of the market, but was growing more and more. BUT, I was never so silly as to believe, that my product was going to steal all or even MOST of the competitors share.

 

 

 

So I started positioning my product as such. I focused on the QUALITY, EFFICACY, EFFICIENCY and lack of side effects my product had. I didn’t BASH the competition. Because when you bash the competition, that means you really can’t stand on your own value and have to try to take their value to win. And no one likes to deal with people who cannot see or sell the value of their own product vs. always bashing and putting down the competition.

 

 

 

No one likes or does business with sales people or reps who BEG, whine, run guilt trips on the consumer for not giving them a chance, complain when they do not get their way or get the sale.

 

 

 

No one does business with a “messy” rep or product who is going to bring their business down and cause strain and stress.

 

 

 

No one wants to do business with messy people. If your product is messy, full of problems, and can’t deliver based on the quality they are looking for, you will lose out to the competition. And not only that, once word of mouth gets around that your product is not worth the time or trouble or stress (after people have had issues with it) YOU’RE DONE!

 

 

 

Especially if there are plenty other same type products out there that they can pick from and get pretty much the results they want. When this happens, you lose all credibility, your products reputation is shot and it’s a wrap. Chapter 7 – BANKRUPTCY. Get to filing. No one wants to do business with you!

 

Here’s the deal BW. You are not going to be validated by the larger global society. You better have on you’re A GAME if you want to stay winning and want your product to grow or maintain a solid position in the market. White skinned people of the world – They have a product that keeps them in power (their race of women who give birth to the very image and people who are in power).

 

 

 

That means instead of crying about how the bigger competition is always winning, spend you energy focusing on selling YOUR UNIQUE PRODUCT to the niche market that will buy and validate it. BUT MAKE SURE, when you start promoting it, that it’s UP TO SPEED to the market, because you only get one chance when you are the small dog on the porch. The big dogs are bigger and plentiful and will squash you out, if you do not come with your A game.

 

 

 

And what you will find and need to accept and be SATISFIED WITH, is – that person (i.e MAN) that choose s to buy your unique underdog small market share having product (YOU – and entering into a relationship with you), will be the only person to validate you.

 

 

 

And you need to be completely satisfied with that because you will NOT get global validation from the larger market because you just do not have the numbers, resources to sustain the larger markets need for sex, relationships (i.e NON BM NEED NON BW simply because of their numbers. BW do not have enough numbers to even sustain these men even if all of them one day woke up and said they wanted a BW.). These Non BM would be FOOLISH to forgo the certainty of this long standing well-resourced and financed product (NON BW) in the name of going for one that cannot sustain them.

 

 

 

THAT MEANS, that you will never get the same marketing and promotion that your powerful competitor with larger numbers will get. Your product is too unique and small to get the same marketing and promotion. And until your product gets the backing financially and resource wise to compete on that greater scale, you need to be satisfied with the niche smaller market you have and stop seeking the impossible.

 

 

 

In laymen’s terms – BW’s beauty will not suddenly appear on every billboard, TV show, magazine etc. Dark skin will not be the new standard EVER unless dark skinned people worldwide suddenly create infrastructures to compete on a global level. All people who resemble closest to the bigger competition (white skinned peoples) with more power and influence will be highly valued because its human nature want to go where the resources and power flows to sustain people.

 

 

 

Dark skinned peoples of the world cannot sustain themselves in this world, let alone someone else. However, the white skinned peoples are keeping everyone FED. And that is who will be valued – the people who look closest to them. That is the world you and I live in now. Who knows. Maybe the in the previous world or next world it will be the other way around. That is of NO CONCERN to us. We gotta live and maintain in THIS CURRENT world.

 

 

 

Men in droves will not suddenly start seeing BW as the standard. It doesn’t even make sense when you look at it from a numbers perspective – they’d be STOOPID to cut off their noses to spite their faces. That is because the most powerful groups of women come from men and races who for centuries have created a structure, infrastructures, power and influence to SUSTAIN themselves and NOT YOU.

 

 

 

No one is looking to put another group before their own. All people in power are working to keep and hold onto that power. So you will never get the same validation, marketing and promotion beauty wise that Non Black women do. And you need to be completely satisfied with that and understand it.

 

 

 

And that will not change (at least not now) in this world unless Black people suddenly and miraculously become the most powerful group in the world. And we all know this will never happen because we have had ample chances to make this happen and the men of our race have squandered it EVERY.SINGLE. TIME for their own personal gain and at the expense of its race, culture and women.

 

 

 

So get used to it! Get used to colorism in the global arena where White skinned women (who come from the most powerful groups worldwide) will maintain the status quo in terms of standards of beauty and where everyone else who wants a piece of the resources, influence and power will value and promote anything closest to those who have it.

 

 

 

You can keep trying to peddle your product to the masses and trying to force them to accept and promote you over the product that has more numbers, more financial backing, more resources and who can sustain the larger market, OR you can accept the HARD TRUTHS (Black people simply do not have the power, influence and structures to compete) and get your product in where it fits in.

 

 

 

Find its niche market that wants to do business with you because they see the value in you. And to do so without looking bitter and whining about the competition and how it’s not fair or right that everything caters to them and more people are buying their product.

 

 

 

That’s the way TIT-IS and you will not change it by complaining, crying , whining, trying to figure out ways around it.

 

 

 

The NUANCE here is you can be successful with your product, if you accept the truth about where it stands in the market and use that to strategically find the customers that see the value in your uniqueness and be SATISFIED with those loyal smaller market of customers instead of always looking to the bigger market where you don’t have the resources to compete and satisfy the need.

 

 

 

In every big general picture is a nuance. BW need to understand and embrace nuances because those are the little things that I call “getting thrown a bone” while being a toy poodle in a dog fight with a pit bull. That is how today even in spite of the bigger picture of racism, lack of power and infrastructure, I , you, we can still get educated, get as much resources as possible, live as good or as bad as we choose, and pretty much freely move about the cabin as we see fit.

 

 

 

That’s the nuance in this – there are enough people who are working against racism that it benefits the powerless (BW) to get a piece of that big pie. But you aint going to get the whole or even half of the pie – so just accept it. Take the small piece and make it work. If you squander the small piece of the pie you have, you are going to have a very very tough time creating a new slice for yourself.

 

 

 

The jagged pill is the hard truth, and the nuance is there’s water to help it go down a bit easier if you choose to find it and drink it.

 

 

And that’s THE TRUTH.

 

Next up ————–> Don’t  Stay Losing: EMBRACE SIMPLICITY

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30 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Felicia
    Jan 06, 2015 @ 17:23:05

    OH MY FRICKEN GOD. BY GEORGE I THINK YOU’VE GOT IT!

    This below is EVERYTHING! This is IT in a nutshell!

    WONDERFUL post. Come with your damn A GAME and the rest will eventually fall in to place.

    ” Here’s the deal BW. You are not going to be validated by the larger global society. You better have on you’re A GAME if you want to stay winning and want your product to grow or maintain a solid position in the market. White skinned people of the world – They have a product that keeps them in power (their race of women who give birth to the very image and people who are in power).

    That means instead of crying about how the bigger competition is always winning, spend you energy focusing on selling YOUR UNIQUE PRODUCT to the niche market that will buy and validate it. BUT MAKE SURE, when you start promoting it, that it’s UP TO SPEED to the market, because you only get one chance when you are the small dog on the porch. The big dogs are bigger and plentiful and will squash you out, if you do not come with your A game. “

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  2. Silver Roxen
    Jan 06, 2015 @ 18:45:39

    I knew it. As soon as I saw sale representatives, I instantly thought this post is going to be about PR, market value, and competition. We need to set ourselves a part from the competition and we should cater to the market that sees the value in us, not the masses. Those are the main points that I got, looking forward to this series Neecy.

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    • Neecy
      Jan 07, 2015 @ 13:07:24

      YES Silver Roxen,

      Set yoursefl apart from the compeition and come with your A GAME.

      That means as women we gotta try to rid ourselves of as much BAGGAGE as possible if we want to comepete for the best and have long term successful relationships.

      Wanna be in a messy short term relationship with messy men? – bring your emotional baggage and issues. You will surely attract losers with that.

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  3. Brenda55
    Jan 06, 2015 @ 19:43:50

    This right here:
    And you need to be completely satisfied with that because you will NOT get global validation from the larger market because you just do not have the numbers, resources to sustain the larger markets need for sex, relationships (i.e NON BM NEED NON BW simply because of their numbers. BW do not have enough numbers to even sustain these men even if all of them one day woke up and said they wanted a BW.). These Non BM would be FOOLISH to forgo the certainty of this long standing well-resourced and financed product (NON BW) in the name of going for one that cannot sustain them.

    And this:
    Find its niche market that wants to do business with you because they see the value in you. And to do so without looking bitter and whining about the competition and how it’s not fair or right that everything caters to them and more people are buying their product.

    And this:
    The NUANCE here is you can be successful with your product, if you accept the truth about where it stands in the market and use that to strategically find the customers that see the value in your uniqueness and be SATISFIED with those loyal smaller market of customers instead of always looking to the bigger market where you don’t have the resources to compete and satisfy the need.

    I kiss your shoes woman this is everything.

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  4. jazzyfae45
    Jan 06, 2015 @ 23:45:22

    My O my Neecy you really made me think about this. I admit I was super confused at first reading this because I know nothing about business and sales and the like but I got it. And your right it is a bitter hard pill to swallow but if black women want to win in life we need to take get a glass of water and swallow it, and fast. I’m glad I found your page because you give such a new outlook on what black women can do to be the best we can be. I’m going to bookmark this page. Looking forward to part 2😉

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    • Neecy
      Jan 07, 2015 @ 13:09:23

      Jazzy!

      I am so glad you participate.

      Even though we may not agree on all things, you are a VERY prime example of the type of way a young BW should be and think. I am so impressed with your general overall view of life and how you just get it.

      You will have no problems attracting quality men AT ALL!

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  5. neurochick
    Jan 07, 2015 @ 11:27:50

    This is a very good post and it makes perfect sense.

    I have a friend who has a salad of health problems. (she’s Hispanic)

    Did she complain and cry about it? No. Did she say, “life isn’t fair, I’m smart and I can’t marry a doctor/lawyer/businessman and life sucks?

    No

    She made peace with life and her situation. She knew that she would never marry a man who had a “big” job; she knew that she could not contribute, she couldn’t be the wife of a successful man, even though she is extremely intelligent. How could she be the wife of a successful man when everyday tasks exhaust her?

    So she concentrated on her strengths and she is married today. Her husband doesn’t make a lot of money (he’s white) but they have a pretty good life and he loves her and that’s all that matters.

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    • Neecy
      Jan 07, 2015 @ 13:16:18

      @ NEURO

      I mean so many people just do not want to live and think this way. Its just too easy to feel sorry for yourself isn’t it??

      I feel ANYONE in this world can get what they want if they have the right mind set and just at least TRIES to be themost healthy individual they can be.

      Its proven over and over again with so many people like your buddy.

      There is someone for EVERYONE.

      My pastor always says what you say out of your mouth about yourself is what you will MANIFEST. If its always “woe is me” then woe will be you.

      If its always “I’m GOOD, I’ve got it made, I am and will succeed” and just generally declaring the good in your life and acknowledging the blessings you do have and recognizing there is always someone else who would love to be in your shoes, then that will manifest itself.

      people need to understand that a lotof times why they haven’t found love or can’t attract the right people in thier life is because of thier negative energy. And men can pick up on women who have negative energy, issues and lack of confidence. And some men (who are sociopaths) will cling to these women and generally run over them and make thier lives hell because they are easy targets, and the rest of the more quality and healthy men will run for the hills.

      getting validated by others is nice – but its not a necessity to your life. And people who are constantly seeking validation are pretty much setting themselves up for failure and heartache.

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  6. Neecy
    Jan 07, 2015 @ 13:23:09

    On the topic of validation. even for the races of women who get it the most – they STILL have issues.

    With all the validation WW get publicly and privatley and worldwide, they should always be on cloud 9 right? NOPE! They still have a whole host of issues they deal with as women when it comes to self esteem and baggage.

    So that is living proof that when even the most validated still has issues, being validated for what is on the outide will not fix your internal problems.

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  7. DiraD
    Jan 07, 2015 @ 19:00:19

    I know these comparisons have been discussed ad nauseum, but look at AW.

    AW are a niche market; most WM do not marry AW. Yet, AW are highly coveted and seen as desirable mates because they advertised their unique selling points. Furthermore, they originally had bad press and stereotypes (just look at literature and cinema portrayals of AW pre-1980).

    There is no reason BW cannot do the same. We will always be a niche market, but there is no reason we cannot be seen as high value. We (BW) DO unique, wonderful selling points. Furthermore, our investors (non-BM) will raise our collective image because they will seek to protect their investment and any resulting dividends.

    Do not get it twisted, I am in no way suggesting that non-BM will be Captain Save. However, we should remember that non-BM display the normal male trait of wanting to protect their families. Hence, non-BM will protect their wives by singing of her praises if need be, and if we (BW) are the wives… Just look at the recent increase in ads depicting BW married to non-BM.

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    • DiraD
      Jan 07, 2015 @ 19:01:34

      Oops! I am still figuring out how to bold and italicize script =/

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    • Neecy
      Jan 07, 2015 @ 19:49:01

      Completely agree Dira!

      But this is why I say its important to get with QUALITY men. Because only the QUALITY men get the respect. And no BW will get to a quality man who is well respected with a boatload of baggage and issues.

      And truth be told, the reason why the AW are so successful in dating across, is because of perceived *easiness* in dealing with them in relationships AND they’re typically thin – which the larger majority of non BM prefer (thinness).

      They are seen as being very easy for men to get along with, being drama free and being feminine. And better believe the word spread around from men to men about it.

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  8. Neecy
    Jan 07, 2015 @ 19:55:20

    Also if you are constantly talking about how your “BRAND” or PRODUCT is inferior and how others see it inferioir CONSTANTLY, you are sending a message to others that your BRAND is not valuable.

    BW need to start thinking about how to play the game because if many of you keep up the woe is me, inferiority talking you are doing nothing but making your brand look like CRAP that no one wants to be associated with.

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  9. Colleen
    Jan 13, 2015 @ 14:10:04

    Hi Neecy,

    Your blog is awesome. I have been reading all your posts over winter break. I think this post is amazing and the sales analogy is very good.

    I agree with everything you wrote, and this year iI will make sure I don’t stay losing 🙂

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  10. Chongo
    Jan 13, 2015 @ 21:25:03

    This is awesome Neecy!

    Great analogy.

    This in particular resonated with me:

    “No one is looking to put another group before their own. All people in power are working to keep and hold onto that power. So you will never get the same validation, marketing and promotion beauty wise that Non Black women do. And you need to be completely satisfied with that and understand it.”

    And then this(!):

    “The NUANCE here is you can be successful with your product, if you accept the truth about where it stands in the market and use that to strategically find the customers that see the value in your uniqueness and be SATISFIED with those loyal smaller market of customers instead of always looking to the bigger market where you don’t have the resources to compete and satisfy the need.”

    Strategy – yes. Goodness yes! We BW need to be more strategic about how and to whom we sell our product to maximize the benefits to ourselves.

    Thank you for this discussion.

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  11. Beauty.in.Grace
    Jan 14, 2015 @ 07:19:11

    This concept has me thinking.
    I’ve learned to think of my dating market value when I do things like change my hairstyle, make up, who I date, or even before I react to a negative circumstance because you never know who is watching and how it will affect your personal “brand.”

    As far as getting a bigger piece of the pie, bw would have a bigger piece of they simply built their own infrastructure instead of waiting for bm or anyone else to do it for them. I mean building an infrastructure ONLY for relatively like minded bw instead of constantly caping for the community.

    I think this is why you keep telling bw not to wait for anyone to save them, but we can save ourselves. We have resources. We just have to wield them correctly.

    Which is why bw have to stop giving their resources away. I believe we have everything we need right now: it just has to be organized correctly.

    AW separated their images from that of AM long ago and it has helped them tremendously. If BW are honest they will see that BM have been actively separating their image from us as well. I believe that could help bw in the long run. But not if we keep linking ourselves to them.

    You have mentioned bw creating their own media in the past. If wielded correctly that could help our niche. But I believe building our niche brand also means STEATHLY policing and not supporting anything that hurts our brand.

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  12. pheonix
    Feb 17, 2015 @ 08:07:06

    “AW separated their images from that of AM long ago and it has helped them tremendously. If BW are honest they will see that BM have been actively separating their image from us as well. I believe that could help bw in the long run. But not if we keep linking ourselves to them. ”

    Why do we as black women need to talk about Asian women? We are not Asian and we know nothing about Asian women. We just think we do.

    Your statement that “AW separated their images from that of AM long ago” is complete nonsense. Where did you get that information? Asians and whites have a completely different history than whites and blacks, both here in America and around the world. Asian women were never enslaved and the sexual property of white men in the New World, the way BW were. And even though Europeans tried to colonize Asia, they were not able to completely usurp the power of Asians in their countries, the way they have done with Africans. American whites and Europeans have never despised Asians the way they have/do blacks. In fact, many whites actually believe that Asians are intellectually superior to white people. So when you compare Asian women to Black women, you are comparing apples to oranges. And you are not living in reality.

    White American men started to become interested in Asian women when our military began sending them to Asian countries. They MARRIED Asian women and brought them back to America. White men have never done the same to black women, for the most part. Although white men and BW have been sexually involved for hundreds of years, white men have never really been interested in MARRIAGE with BW. That is a simple truth that we as BW cannot run away from. Men propose marriage. Men decide which women are marriageable. White men have had access to us all over the world for hundreds of years and they are the ones who have destroyed our image and presented us as the least desirable women on the planet.

    There is one important difference between BW and Asian women that no one in the IR world wants to recognize: Asian men are not rejecting Asian women for marriage the way BM are rejecting BW for marriage. Asian women do not have a 70 to 80% out-of-wedlock birth rate because their men don’t want them. Asian women are not seen as terrible mothers, the way BW are. Most Asian men actually prefer un-mixed Asian women. Contrast that to BM who tend to dislike BW who are (or look) mono-racially black. In short, Asian women are having no trouble getting their own men to marry them. That is why Asian women don’t have blogs complaining about how their men don’t want them and they are going to date men of other races because of this fact.

    Also, the Asian population in America is MUCH smaller than the black population. So it is easier for Asian women to get white husbands because given their small numbers, there will be enough WM who will want to marry some of them (contrary to popular belief among the BWE crowd, most Asian women are not married to white men). But are there enough white men who will marry the millions of BW who want marriage but can’t get it with BM? I don’t think so. The sad truth is, unless men of other races start abandoning their own women en masse, most BW will NOT get married because there are more marriageable women than men in every race and every age group in this country.

    Black men are the most powerless and defeated men on the planet and it isn’t really helping them to separate their images from that of BW. And it is silly for BW to believe that we can separate our images from that of BM. In a patriarchal world, no group of women can successfully separate their image from that of their men. Men are the ones who elevate the group and the status of the women in a group is directly linked to the status of the men. Like it or not, many white men blame BW for the crime and social problems in the black community; when they see a black male criminal, they assume he has a black mother. White conservatives use images of black baby mama “welfare queens” to get support for cutting social programs. The truth is that we as black women are at the bottom of the social hierarchy because black men are at the bottom, just as white women are at the top because white men are at the top.

    Having said all of this, I am definitely for IR marriages and I myself date only white men. But I am not going to pretend that IR dating is as easy for BW as it is for women of other races. It isn’t. There is a difference between DATING and MARRIAGE and dating does not invariably lead to marriage. And right now, all we have are blogs by BW encouraging BW to pursue/date WM. All the burden and responsibility of IR dating is placed on BW. If a BW is not having success dating IR, it is her own fault and she needs to change something about herself. And even more ridiculous is that most of the popular BWE bloggers are not married to white men. They hide behind their computers and tell BW how much white men want to marry us.

    Until white men(and white women) start encouraging white men to choose BW over other races of women, BW will not be able to rely on white men as marriage partners, no matter how many books BLACK people write encouraging BW to chase white men. I don’t care how many IR success stories you read about or how many photos of BW/WM that the IR BWE bloggers post, the reality is that BW and WM are still not getting married in significant numbers. They are dating and having a lot of sex, as is evidenced by the increasing numbers of swirling baby mamas with mixed race babies. White men choose us last for marriage and yet we have the most blogs and books praising WM. There is something very wrong with that picture.

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    • Neecy
      May 19, 2015 @ 22:30:53

      I agree with both Phoenix and Onthewaydown.

      I think Phoenix sets up a very uncomfortable truth. Something that I have touched on somewhat on the blog. For me though it’s not as extreme.

      But I do feel that BW should not spend time focusing on GROUPS of men to date. What I mean is, we shouldn’t talk about dating this group and that group of men because as Phoenix pointed out, there aint NO GROUPS of men looking to uplift and save the Black woman.

      I have always maintained that the best way BW can go about the dating/mating game is to just DO IT without all the fanfare and all the blogging about dating WM, AM and so forth. Back women should not have to go out of their way on the interwebz to tell each other to do what is the OBVIOUS smart choice – to start dating and mating across color lines.

      This is the issue I have with so many BW. Its like we are children who need permission to do what is best for us. I don’t recall a concerted effort on BM’s parts to start dating White and Non-Black women. They just started DOING IT. They didn’t make books, blogs and such on how to get White women and so forth. They found their niche of WW and went for it.

      Black women need to understand that you do not have to go out of your way to let men know you want them. In fact, when women do this it tends to backfire.

      Just DO IT. If you meet a great guy who happens to be White, Asian, then go for it! Don’t make a fanfare about it because honestly I feel it makes BW look thirsty and desperate.

      If BW want to be strategic, they don’t have to do it by making sites and blogs about Wm, AM and other races of men they are interested in. They need to strategize on an individual level to get the guy you want.

      Personally I feel before BW successfully start conquering the IR market, BW are going to have to change a lot of things about their mindsets and about how we go about things. A lot of BW just aren’t equipped mentally and emotionally to win in this game because they are so busy going about things the wrong way.

      I disagree with Phoenix though on the Asian woman issue. I don’t think anyone is saying that BW need to think they are Asian women, but it doesn’t hurt to look at some of the ways other groups of women have been successful in the dating arena. And yes, there are quite a few things BW could learn from Asian women as Onthewaydown pointed out. Some of the things IMO BW can stand to learn from AW is
      1) Asian women don’t cater to any groups of men not even their own
      (2) Asian women do not have OOW kids as a sport and would never do that because they seem to like the idea of not struggling
      (3) Asian women are quiet and move in stealth etc.

      There are also some things BW could learn from WW – the biggest and most obvious is
      (1)THEY DO NOT CATER TO MEN EITHER not even their own. Not even their own men who place them on a pedestal. They keep WM on their toes by not ever giving them the idea that they are exclusive to them only even though they are probably the best option for WW on a social scale.
      (2) WW stick together and do not work against each other for selfish reasons

      So yes BW can stand to learn to take on some of the traits of Non BW because what BW are doing AINT WORKING.

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    • itsmeak
      May 23, 2015 @ 07:36:35

      Wrong. WM who were interested in marrying a BW even after slavery found ways of getting around miscegenation laws and having their own way if they really wanted to. While white mainstream media from decades ago would not show this black media like Jet magazine from even back in the 50s did show this. I have seen scanned issues of Jet magazines from the 50s showing black women married to white soldiers and even at times to rich white men who were self-made millionaires or who came from rich WASP-y backgrounds such as Josephine Premice and Timothy Fales. Yes…magazine issues from the 50s….

      The mainstream media have been covering up relationships and marriages of WM Hollywood actors to BW forever but old vintage issues of Jet show that icons like Marlon Brando went out with black women. I look back in shock (really sadly showing my age here LOL) when I remember The National Enquirer revealing how Robin Givens back when she acted on the sitcom ‘Head of The Class’ was dating and then engaged to Brad Pitt but then went and got married to Mike Tyson of course instead. Yes, The National Enquirer BACK THEN! I think it was because Givens was a bit of juicy gossip at the time after being in the middle of a controversy that her abusive and thankfully short-lived marriage to Tyson became and so of course they were going to dig up Givens’ past to see who else she had been dating or been married to beforehand.

      It’s true that Asian women from countries like Vietnam took up with mostly white and sometimes black American soldiers and married them and moved back to the US with them but they still weren’t white women and they faced racist gossip and stereotypes themselves when they moved to the US with their husbands with people going around saying that all of the American soldiers were coming back into the country with the prostitutes they met overseas who they in turn decided to marry. Even though the US has a large amount of interracial AW/WM relationships and marriages and Hollywood itself has a large amount of Eurasian actors and other entertainers (the whitest looking ones that is) who come from such AW/WM marriages usually like Keanu Reeves, Kristin Kreuk, Mark Paul Gosselaar, etc. who have gone on to be successful, Hollywood and the rest of mainstream white media do not publicize or promote AW/WM relationships and marriages either. To this day, they really don’t. I don’t see Lucy Liu, Sandra Oh, Bai Ling, Michelle Yeoh or Zhang Zhiyi dominating the TV shows or the many churned out romcoms coming out of a Hollywood with the chosen white ‘leading men’ stars. No, I still see Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Aniston, Katherine Heigl, Jennifer Garner, Amanda Seyfried, Megan Fox, Angelina Jolie and Scarlett Johansson running the show….

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  13. onthewaydown
    May 19, 2015 @ 18:55:08

    This has to be one of the best posts you have ever written.

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  14. onthewaydown
    May 19, 2015 @ 19:45:38

    Oh, and I’m going to have to disagree with pheonix. I look at trends and the bw/wm pairing (I’m talking marriages, not just relationships) is the fastest growing in the US. If I’m not mistaken, it’s more than doubled over the past ten years? I personally have witnessed this growth and have seen several black women marry out in recent years. I know that part of the reason for this is this whole internet phenomenon.

    Furthermore, even if a minority of white/non-black men consider black women as partners, there will still be enough the black women who decide to marry interracially due to numbers. Black women are what, 8% of the population in this country? And how many of those women are actually even open to marrying interracially in the first place? The number may be growing, but it’s still probably not even close to a majority of black women. I think Ralph Richard Banks discussed this in his book.

    Male to female ratio–there are actually more men (in most ethnic groups–we’re not including black men) within the 20-35 age bracket. It does become harder as you get older, because men go to war. They have more hazardous jobs. They are less likely to get checkups at the doctor’s, etc. Their numbers begin decreasing. So the best solution is for women to get this while they are young.

    The image problem is probably one of the biggest ones for black women. Unless you’re already well-positioned, it’s a great idea to adapt a strategy and a marketing mindset so you can marry well. And as someone who has grown up in a community where Asians are a large minority, I know for a fact that Asian women can be highly strategic and calculated when it comes to finding a mate. I will leave it at that.

    Another issue I see is lack of knowledge about the invisible game. A lot of “other” women have the knowledge of that invisible game almost drilled into them from birth. I’ve seen a lot of black women lack this savvy and it gets a lot of them in trouble. On a very basic level, the whole “waiting for God to send me a man” doctrine has got to go. I don’t even know any white Christians who believe that mess.

    On a more subtle level, it is about having the right networks. Some people are born into these networks already, which is what you often see with “other” women. However, part of those networks also comes from the idea that many of the men in the communities the “other” women reside in expect to marry at some point. So I acknowledge that black women are at a disadvantage here because, unlike other women, many do not have this built in from birth. You’ll have to build it yourself…

    I grew up expecting to be married (to a man of whatever race) because I’ve had an innate knowledge of the game, plus my parents already did the hard work of building the right networks for me to plug into. Think of how Kate Middleton’s family prepared her for marriage with her husband, but on a smaller scale.

    By the time you get to this stage, race has less to do with permanent mate selection than it would if you were entering blind, expecting your education and looks to speak for themselves. Sorry, but no. It’s like submitting resumes via Monster versus developing relationships with the hiring managers. The first way is not that effective, despite what most people want you to believe.

    Is it easy? No. But if getting married to a great partner is one of your lifetime goals, then do whatever you can to get there. Just like getting a job. Black women probably do not have as many advantages as white or Asian women in this arena…yet many still manage to find gainful employment, right?

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    • Neecy
      May 19, 2015 @ 22:38:16

      Great post OTWD,

      At the endof the day the smartest and most startegic BW will win in this game.

      But many BW will get left behind because too many BW are still not mentally prepared to move on and get right.

      I go to some of these blogs and I still see a lot of angry BW with serious baggage. These women will never find quality men of any race to marry them, and they will blame it solely on being a Black woman in anti Black woman society instead of themselves.

      The BW who will be successful are the ones who are not looking to any group(s) of men to save them, have already swalled the jagged pill that we have to do things a bit different from our Non Black female counterparts to get what we want etc.

      As you stated though, strategy is needed to win in a very competitive dating market. Just being a BW alone willing to date IR is not going to win you any favors or dates. You have to have yourself together proabbaly more so than your Non Black counterparts. That’s just how it is and that’s the uncomfortable truth.

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    • itsmeak
      May 23, 2015 @ 07:03:55

      Some of the information found on blogs like those run by Melina Dean, an Australian lady, may help BW out and some BW bloggers, etc. have been fans of Melina’s advice already. I like a good 80% of her advice myself.

      You have to pay for Melina’s online lessons though but her prices aren’t that bad:

      http://theseductivewoman.blogspot.co.uk/

      http://thefemininebelle.blogspot.co.uk/

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  15. Trackback: Don’t Stay Losing Part III: STRATEGY | NEECY'S NEST
  16. Sweet Gardenia
    Jul 09, 2015 @ 18:08:47

    How did I miss this excellent article? This perfectly describes how BW are going to attain their relationship goals. We cannot compete with the larger market of women. But we can get in where we fit it with that NBM who recognizes our value. Love this so much….

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