***I know I am dropping these posts like crazy, but i don’t want to lose my momentum. LOL I  was going to try to post each concept one week at a time, but I tend to have busy things going on in my life and stuff pops up, so  while I have the time to post I want to do it.*******

You’re traveling down the highway and you come upon a fork in the road. You have a choice to take 1 of 2 routes yielding to the left or right.

The left route says:

“The road to STRUGGLE: drama, pain, stress, difficulty, burdens, faltering and negativity”

The right route says:

“The road to PROSPERITY: happiness, growth, progress, thriving, flourishing, confidence, reciprocity”

Which route do you take?

If I asked this question to any BW, I guarantee many would say the right side. Of course you would because it sounds good and that is what ANYONE would expect you to say. But if I looked at your life or rather, if you looked at your own life, could you honestly say that you have taken that road, despite SAYING that is the route you would take???

I would wager a lot of BW happily take the left route. No. I don’t need to wager that. I can SEE with my own eyes a lot of BW freely choose the left route. That is because to some BW, they believe their lot in life is down the road of the left route of STRUGGLE.

I see it all day everyday. Online and offline. BW making choices that clearly state that they are NOT looking to simplify their lives and believe that the BW’s sole purpose is to take on the journey of STRUGGLE and PAIN because “WE’RE STRONG AND CAN HANDLE IT”.

Voluntary Struggle, Pain and burden aint cute. It doesn’t make people flock to you (unless they need to dump their loads onto you), and doesn’t make you a great catch in the love and dating arena. So just stop. You are not winning any plaques for it Black women!

In fact, so many BW are proud of struggle and pain they wear it like a BADGE of honor.


  • Fighting the battles that men should be fighting
  • Bringing children into this world without a stable male partner who hasnt committed to her and raising his children
  • Defeatist attitudes about her personhood (i.e. skin color, hair texture, etc)
  • Sabotaging herself and the collective of BW with behaviors that push herself and the collective image of BW into the gutter
  • Not having boundaries
  • Trying to save everyone who hasn’t lifted a pinky finger to help her
  • Engaging in “othering” behaviors that make BW outcasts
  • Cutting off her supply line of potential love, dating, and marriage candidates for one group of men
  • Looking for validation in places and people where she will never find it

I can go on.. And I think many of you would also agree that a lot of BW today take the left route because they don’t believe they are “worthy” of the right route.

Well I nor anyone can make you believe you are worthy of anything if you choose not to see your worth.

But for the sake of this post, I am trying to reach the BW who GET it, but haven’t really had anyone to tell them HOW to pull themselves from the Matrix magnet trying to drag her to the left route of STRUGGLE and PAIN.

And that tornado, that magnet really consists of people that YOU as a BW keep allowing playing very big parts in your life, even when they are dragging you down that road and you’re trying to get to the right side of the road.


You say:

“Neecy! Every week I turn around there is some study, survey, essay, or something basically telling me as a BW that I am simply not worth a damn!”


“Neecy! This world worships white and light skin!”


“Neecy! Black men _________________ (fill in the Blank)”




I say. Yep! You are right. We as BW face a whole lotta shit that the average woman of any other race doesn’t have to deal with. In fact we take on the EXTRA double whammy of not just gender sexism BUT RACISM as well.

And I say YEP you can still have a care-free life. You can have a simplified easy going life – IF YOU SO CHOOSE.

And it doesn’t START with focusing and putting all your attentions on the things you CANNOT change. It starts, it begins it becomes EFFECTIVE when you start by working on the things you CAN change.

I have a saying, “I don’t do crazy”. That means the minute I realize a person, place, or thing has proven itself to be IGNORANT and STUPID, I laugh at it or them and keep it moving.

So yes, everyone is trying to make their lives easier. Some people do it by trying to make other people’s lives hell and filled with emotional turmoil, some do it by trying to keep others BENEATH THEM. And if they win your MIND, they have everything else and you will stay beneath them.

But guess what? You can make your life easy and theirs hell by not even having to address or say or do anything to them. That’s the beauty.

And you do that by living well. The best revenge is LIVING WELL.

But yall aint even trying to do that!


Look I get it. BW come from a community where very little effort is put into nurturing the mental and emotional and physical well-being of the women and girls. All the love and support goes to men – trifling losers and not.

Going back to the idea of TRUTH in the previous topic. We already know what some of the truths are facing BW in this world.

  • Racism
  • Sexism
  • Classism
  • Colorism

While not all BW have experienced all of these things, I’m guessing at some point we have either experienced it or seen it play out. So with knowing all of these things, instead of BW figuring out ways to work around the issues that we can and cannot control, we instead keep inviting drama, heartache, stress, burdens, people, and things in our lives who just make things more difficult. And sometimes it’s no one else BUT OURSELVES keeping us from living the most abundant EASIEST life as possible.

I mean if you are already dealing with some stacked odds against you, wouldn’t it make sense to do as much as HUMANLEY POSSIBLE to ease the pain and stress in your life??? Why keep adding onto these odds?

We continue to self and collectively sabotage our potential and growth as women carrying around unnecessary baggage. Baggage that if you really look at it, is something we can relinquish from our individual lives through our MIND SET and willingness to MOVE forward and stop staying stuck in the quick sand pulling you further and further down mentally and emotionally.


Just accept it. Once you do, you kick into survival mode and start literally living your life to where you try to avoid as much dysfunction and stress & nonsense as possible. Once you realize there is no one to pull you out other than yourself, you are much more aware of the things you need to do to stay thriving and NOT LOSING and not having to wait on a Calvary.

I have a good friend. This girl is amazing. She just manages to do so many things to thrive as a person and in her life. She’s just a regular girl who came from a regular background like most people. And I asked her why she is so determined and manages to keep herself and life on the RIGHT route – and she says “Because I have no one to fall back on if something happens to me and I don’t make the right moves”.

And that is how people who know they don’t have back up do. They either take the sink or swim approach. It’s like their survival skills kick in and they get isht done OR they start whining and complaining and feeling sorry for themselves by comparing themselves to others who they feel have it better than they do and completely just fall by the wayside never managing to stay or get ahead..

If BW have not figured out by now that there is no Calvary looking to save you, No group of men of ANY RACE looking to save you, NO ONE is looking to save us, then it would make sense to me that you would do everything possible in YOUR LIFE and within your control to make your life as EASY and simplified and stress free as possible.

You should and would only be seeking people who will come to your rescue in time of need. Not people who are sucking the life out of you and then leaving you to die on the pavement once they’ve gotten what they want from you.

Have you ever been around anyone where it was just EXHAUSTING to even be in their presence? Think about the things they did that made you want to run as far away as possible from them.

Instead of simplifying and making our lives as easy as possible so we can be the types of women people want to be with and around, what do BW do?

We continue to do EVERYTHING that works against that and us. We do everything possible to make our lives as difficult as possible. It’s like we walk around with a sign that says “BURDENS, STRUGGLE, PAIN AND STRESS – I WELCOME YOU!!”


  • STAY NEUTRAL. Not your girl Friday ( does a great post on this concept. Too many BW get caught up in other people’s mess. A lot of times you just gotta stay neutral and sit still. But we’re always so quick to REACT even when it’s not our issue or in our best interest.


  • Be STEALTHY & CALCULATING. Its ok. Everyone else is! That’s how they stay ahead and winning.
  • STAY AWAY FROM SOUL CRUSHING PLACES ONLINE Stop going to places (the internet) that steal your joy and eat away at your soul (oh look who’s talking Neecy!!!). Yes I frequented some places that would make me crazy. Then I thought, why not spend your energies in more uplifting places (like your own damn blog) and stop with the nonsense NEECY. Well I am telling you its freeing when you do this ladies. There is a lot of anti BW stuff in cyberspace and you HAVE TO do yourself the justice of avoiding it. It will kill your soul and keep your mind in a forever state of LOSING.
  • VET VET VET. Learn the art of VETTING the men and people in your life. Progressive women don’t get caught up in the words of men. It’s all about ACTION. Never listen to what a man says but rather what he does. Men can say all kinds of things. But any man who truly wants to keep you in his life, will MAKE SURE YOU KNOW by not words but his actions.

And that is how he treats you and appreciates you and mostly LETS the people in his life know how much he loves and appreciates you. Any man who is unwilling to share the personal part of his life that includes family and friends – doesn’t like or love you. He’s just dealing with you until the one he really wants comes along.

  • SEEK THREAPY IF YOU NEED IT. Stop announcing all your issues to the world and online – SEEK THERAPY in a private professional setting. Stop going on public forums, talk shows and telling the world your plight as a Black woman. It takes your brand down and makes you truly look inferior. Once your brand is tarnished as having always been associated with PAIN, STRUGGLE, BURDENS, and/or INFERIORITY people run from you because they don’t want that rubbing off in their own lives. That stuff is contagious.
  • BOUNDARIES. Learn the concept of having boundaries. See above.
  • DO NOT HAVE OOW KIDS. I don’t care if it’s the cool thing to do now. Progressive care free living women do not go through child birth for ANY MAN unwilling to look her, his family and your family and all your friends in the face and say “I LOVE THIS WOMAN” so much so that I am making a FORMAL commitment to her by marrying her and saying I am in it for the long haul.

  • STOP THE MAMMYING. Stop MAMMYING for everyone. There’s no Calvary caping for you! If no one is rescuing you especially after all the rescuing and caping you do for everyone, then it’s probably a good idea to just mind ya business and stay neutral when others are going through their stuff. In fact, people develop more respect for people who show they aren’t so easily available to everyone.
  • VALIDATION SEEKING MAKES YOU POWERLESS .Do not look for validation in groups of people, groups of men or things where you obviously won’t get it – This makes you EXTREMELY VULNERABLE and gives them all the power. I understand that its human nature to want to be validated in some ways. Its ok. Just don’t go looking for it in obvious places where you won’t get it. I see so many BW just looking for validation from men or things and they stay loosing b/c of that. No man wants a desperate and easy catch. They will use you until a more “valuable” woman in their eyes comes along. You should only be seeking validation from those IN-DI-VID-U-ALS in your life who have proven to care about you and reciprocate and encourage you to be a better person.
  • PLAY THE GAME/POLITICS. Learn how to play the game others are playing. That can be in your work life and personal life. If you see everyone doing one thing and you keep being determined to do something else, you are probably “othering” yourself. I am not saying don’t be unique and independent. But too many times BW engage in “OTHERING” behaviors that ultimately, push you ten steps back and allow all other women to skip ahead of you in the line. Or in the workforce, it makes you a target when you do not always play the game and politics that everyone else is playing.
  • INSECURITIES ARE NORMAL – BUT NO ONE NEEDS TO HEAR ABOUT THEM ALL THE TIME. If you have to pretend everyday you are happy and well-adjusted you do that until you reach that point in your life. The more down and out you appear and talk, the further people want to be away from you. The only people who want to be around insecure people are SOCIOPATHS who live and die by the rule of using and getting over on people and women who are insecure.
  • WHAT GIVES YOU THAT WARM & FUZZY ON THE INSIDE? Find things that bring out the best in you. For me, it’s make up and beauty stuff. Not because I am vain, but because I love the idea of taking care of myself and looking and feeling my best. It’s also being out with friends in social setting and laughing.
  • Find yours. This will help you cultivate and enhance your best features and brings out your personality.
  • INNER CIRCLE. Only surround yourself with people who are constantly encouraging you to be better. People who are thriving, flourishing and doing their best. No OPTIONS.

21 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. gettingmylifefindingmylove
    Jan 08, 2015 @ 06:27:29

    Great post Neecy!!! You’re on a roll!



  2. Zimekcyn
    Jan 08, 2015 @ 07:00:46

    Thank you Neecy!! I found your Blog through BB&W and until recently (approx. 1.5 years) I didn’t know BWEs existed. This series is great and I have recommended your blog to my friends and co-workers (I work with lots of BW). I have been soooo enlightened and I thank you again for helping me to identify areas in my life that I need to reassess and change for ME. My eyes have truly been opened thanks to you and other blogs like this that truly want us (BW) to have and live better lives.



  3. jazzyfae45
    Jan 08, 2015 @ 09:48:40

    Yayyy part 2😃😄🎉 lol
    Just as good as part one. It is upsetting to see black women struggling when it’s clear that we don’t have to. Like all this protesting and caping for example, and for what? Like I’ve read at the Black Woman Think Tanks page on Facebook once the dust settles completely and everything goes back to the way it was instead of being “black queens” we will be right back to being b*tches, ho*s, thots, and whatnot. I know for me personally something I need to work on with myself is setting up boundaries. After talking to someone, she isn’t a therapist, but she has helped me figure out so much about myself I wouldn’t have figured out on my own. I have gotten much better at it but not too long ago I didn’t set up a good enough boundary for myself and got screwed over😧😟. And I don’t want to get into details online but I know EXACTLY what I need to look out for next time😊. But I’m a work in progress though😆.



    • Neecy
      Jan 08, 2015 @ 10:11:22


      WE are all truly a work in progress all of our entire life. There will never be a time or moment where you are completely perfect and do not make any mishaps or mistakes. That’s apart of growing. So do not beat yourself up for making a mistake. I tend to be very hard on myself a lot when I make a mistake. My problem is learning to let go of a past or failure in some way and grow from it.

      So understand even when you have the knowledge sometimes you may slip up. But at least you’ll know whe you did and be able to move forward and learn.

      But these a r things s many BW are never told, so they just do not know. BW are always told to “BE REAL” and “KEEP IT 100%” yeah well we see where that gets most of us – being real and Keeping it 100 with the wrong person or in the wrong setting can truly be a nail in the coffin for us if we aren’t careful.



  4. Silver Roxen
    Jan 08, 2015 @ 12:18:58

    Great post! Its onward and up from here.



  5. Neecy
    Jan 08, 2015 @ 13:11:18

    *I don’t do CRAZY and I don’t do DRAMA.*

    Don’t mind me y’all, just thinking out loud.




  6. kenna
    Jan 08, 2015 @ 21:35:12

    I remember reading on the comment of one of the poster’s on the colourism thread and she was complaining about the fact that you has a light skin women its easier for you to get married than her. Reading that I thought what bull, but at the same time if that is how she sees things then guess what? she will probably be single. My mom use to say to me what a man thinketh then so his he. If you have a “woe me, nobody wants me” mentality then nobody will want you.


    I use to be very insecure especially in my teens because I saw all my light skin friends getting the cute guys and me single/ having a lot relationship dramas and issues with the guys i dated. But instead of my kicking myself, I took my goodies elsewhere because I figured what I had to offer they didn’t want it.
    when a business is making profit they dont throw out their products, they simply just move to an area where the market exist.

    Why seat and fuss that black men are only into light/white/asian/hispanic women so what? You dont need them, furthermore have you ever heard how these men speak about dark skin black women. Why would you seek validation from a group of ‘men’ who have the nerve to say such horrible and demeaning things about women of your hue? Personally, I see it as dodging bombs and grenades because Lord these men usually have lots of baggage/burden to bear. Go where you are considered exotic and unique. Being seen has exotic isnt a bad thing. Im Jamaican so most people think my accent is cool/sexy and I work with it!LOL!!

    Dark skin women need to work with what we have got. Where colours that flatter you, e.g. bright pinks, oranges, blues, red etc look wonderful on our skin. Pamper yourself even if its at home, do a facial, a pedicure.

    Learn to love yourself.



    • Neecy
      Jan 08, 2015 @ 22:00:56


      You nailed It! The way you think is so much like the dark skinned women friends I have and have had in my personal life. They managed to figure it out like you did. Because we never talk about this stuff, I don’t know if they ever at anytime had to go through some insecurities b/c of their skin color (I’m sure they did at some point in their life since skin colorism against dark skinned women has always been prevalant in the BC) but if they did it does not show.

      It’s hard whe women can’t get validated by their own race of men. But like I said, that’s just how it is for BW and so we can choose to find other ways of finding joy within ourselves, or keep focusing on the fact that there is no validation.

      There is a niche of men in this world that adore BW who are dark and just in general and these are the men we should focus our attentions on.

      BW have to move on learn to maximize on the men who are out there who see our worth and beauty as women.

      But they will never see that if a BW can’t see that within herself FIRST.

      And that leads me back to BW with these issue seeking some kind of spiritual or professional healing before they attempt to enter into relationships with these men and ruin any good things that may come of it with her insecurities and baggage. Because what will happen if she has too many insecurities and baggage, is that when the guy moves on because he doesn’t want to deal with it, she will be pushed deeper into insecurity about her worth not realizing it was her negative energy and baggage that drove him away – not what she looks like.



    • Neecy
      Jan 08, 2015 @ 22:16:25

      remember reading on the comment of one of the poster’s on the colourism thread and she was complaining about the fact that you has a light skin women its easier for you to get married than her. Reading that I thought what bull, but at the same time if that is how she sees things then guess what? she will probably be single.

      EXACTLY! Does she even realize the things that most men look for in a marraige partner? I mean the things that keep women from getting married has NADA to do with her being light skinned or dark skinned. Sure some upwardly mobile BM may select lighter mates, but in the global arena where being a light skinned BW means the same to everyone as being a dark skinned women (I.e. They all see us as BLACK) it’s other factors that weigh in you marriage ability.

      And AGE & beauty are usually the first driving factor in terms of being the most highly sought after for marraige. The younger you are the better your prospects. Then your mental and emotional well being.

      You cannot attract a decent husband with inferiority complexes. Because he will start feeling he has an inferior woman and no man with options will settle for that.

      That’s why I keep saying :GET YOUR MINDS RIGHT before you start venturing out there where the competition is FIERCE for the best men.



  7. kenna
    Jan 08, 2015 @ 23:04:26

    One of things us as black women need to learn to do is be more vigilant, more observant there is nothing wrong with sitting it out. We dont need to go fighting for everyone and everything. We has women need to learn that sometimes it isnt our fight.
    We don’t know how to pick our battles and that is the reason why anytime something happens esp. in black society we are usually the ones that are used as foot soldiers resulting in us suffering the most lose. e,g, my husband was telling me about and incident at a high school in which both the girls and boys basketball game were to play at a big conference match, however, they were told that if they wore anything supporting Michael Brown they would not be allowed to play, the boys obeyed and got to play while the girls objected and as a result didn’t get to compete in the tournament. So yeah even men of other races realize the blind loyalty black women have, even to the detriment of themselves. Why? because we are always guilt into thinking that could have been our father, brother, son etc.
    There is no empire in history that sends it’s women to fight their war, as a matter a fact men who had their women voicing much less fighting for them were considered weak men, so when did it become acceptable in black society for the women to be soldiers?

    One of things that puzzles me is black women who fight for BM/WW couples especially when the issue of racial discrimination arise, while on the other hand turning a blind eye to BW/WM couples.



    • Neecy
      Jan 10, 2015 @ 19:23:36

      why am I not shocked about the girls on the basketball team?

      This is the kind of things that keep BW losing. Acting and doing what normally men do. And then this is why when these BM get a chance they move onto women who they deem play a more feminine role and BW are left looking silly and flaberghasted at why.

      I believe BW subconsciously think that the mor ethey prove thier loyalty and willingness to fight BM’s battles, they one day they will get in return.




      • itsmeak
        May 23, 2015 @ 06:53:38

        Then BW and very sadly the young black girls have become the personification and the embodiment of the definition of insanity then after spending decade after decade of doing the same foolishness of ‘proving’ to BM and black boys publicly how much they love BM collectively and how much they plan on being there for BM all the time and expecting a certain result of every time than never happens.

        It’s like BW are always going to put coins or dollar bills in the slot of a soda machine that is always known to be broken and never repaired or been worked on or a soda machine that is turned off or clearly has the ‘Sold Out’ sign on it but they still put their money into it expecting it to give them a soda! :O



  8. bubblychie27
    Jan 29, 2015 @ 10:29:36

    Sorry my computer has been broke, but I’m back on the grid. Brilliant post Neecy. This is why I tell BW in my life to affirm themselves, fight for themselves, cape for themselves and save themselves. Sometimes I know this can be difficult, but a effort must be made.



  9. Trackback: Don’t Stay Losing Part III: STRATEGY | NEECY'S NEST
  10. Noiree
    Jul 26, 2015 @ 23:25:24

    Hey Neecy,

    I awoke to the tragic news of the death of Bobbi Kristina and I felt sad. I had a feeling it would not end well for Bobbi, I After reading about her death, I couldn’t help but think back to your series on strategy. This young girl was in the perfect position to succeed, to thrive and to be a happy BW, if only the women who came before her and who surrounded her had been strategic and taught her strategy & stealth. By virtue of being Whitney Houston’s daughter Bobbi could have had access to good quality men, she could have had access to industry movers and shakers to build & maintain her career, she could have had access to a healthy/good quality circle of friends and she could have built a good quality life for herself but she didn’t – she couldn’t because she was handicapped from the get-go. Her mother’s choice in a husband, coupled with drug addiction, bad advice and other extenuating circumstances meant that Bobbi, despite her privileged background, was headed down a destructive path instead of a thriving life.

    For the women who choose to marry, it is true that your choice in spouse is make or break. It is a very important decision. Your husband will be your daughter’s (and son’s) first male role model. If you choose a dysfunctional person, you are setting your daughter up for years of dysfunction especially if you do not counter it with positive things e.g. removing her from the dysfunctional environment and surrounding her with good quality women and men, therapy and good/positive life strategies.

    There are a lot of things I do not know about the Houstons and Browns and I am highlighting a lesson despite media speculation and the version the two families gave us glimpses of. The lesson is my focus and it draws from one of the points you (Neecy) made about vetting men and the people in your life and choosing a good quality man as a partner, the effects of those decisions will reverberate long after you are gone. Case in point Whitney & Bobbi Kristina. Instead of setting up her daughter for greatness, unintentionally, she set her up for dysfunction and struggle (struggle in the emotional, mental & spiritual sense not financial).

    BW can be financially well off but still not thrive because of the people they choose to keep in their lives or surround themselves with; dysfunctional partners, dysfunctional families, dysfunctional communities.

    If BW do not learn the art of stealth& strategy or the politics of successful lives and if they fail to pass these life codes to their daughters, there is not much hope and we will continue to lose BW from tender ages.

    Thank you for your series, I am taking note and I try to share these important lessons from yourself and other bloggers with the black girls (start them young) and willing to listen/open minded BW in my life.



    • Neecy
      Jul 27, 2015 @ 22:52:11

      Yes its tragic what happened to Bobby Kristina but I feel she had an uphill battle coming from two parents who were entrenched in drugs. The poor girl never had sober parents.

      You are so right though, this is a lesson that if a BW doesn’t choose wisely it not only affect her, but her children. A lot of BW simply don’t understand this.



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