***I know I am dropping these posts like crazy, but i don’t want to lose my momentum. LOL I was going to try to post each concept one week at a time, but I tend to have busy things going on in my life and stuff pops up, so while I have the time to post I want to do it.*******
You’re traveling down the highway and you come upon a fork in the road. You have a choice to take 1 of 2 routes yielding to the left or right.
The left route says:
“The road to STRUGGLE: drama, pain, stress, difficulty, burdens, faltering and negativity”
The right route says:
“The road to PROSPERITY: happiness, growth, progress, thriving, flourishing, confidence, reciprocity”
Which route do you take?
If I asked this question to any BW, I guarantee many would say the right side. Of course you would because it sounds good and that is what ANYONE would expect you to say. But if I looked at your life or rather, if you looked at your own life, could you honestly say that you have taken that road, despite SAYING that is the route you would take???
I would wager a lot of BW happily take the left route. No. I don’t need to wager that. I can SEE with my own eyes a lot of BW freely choose the left route. That is because to some BW, they believe their lot in life is down the road of the left route of STRUGGLE.
I see it all day everyday. Online and offline. BW making choices that clearly state that they are NOT looking to simplify their lives and believe that the BW’s sole purpose is to take on the journey of STRUGGLE and PAIN because “WE’RE STRONG AND CAN HANDLE IT”.
Voluntary Struggle, Pain and burden aint cute. It doesn’t make people flock to you (unless they need to dump their loads onto you), and doesn’t make you a great catch in the love and dating arena. So just stop. You are not winning any plaques for it Black women!
In fact, so many BW are proud of struggle and pain they wear it like a BADGE of honor.
- Fighting the battles that men should be fighting
- Bringing children into this world without a stable male partner who hasnt committed to her and raising his children
- Defeatist attitudes about her personhood (i.e. skin color, hair texture, etc)
- Sabotaging herself and the collective of BW with behaviors that push herself and the collective image of BW into the gutter
- Not having boundaries
- Trying to save everyone who hasn’t lifted a pinky finger to help her
- Engaging in “othering” behaviors that make BW outcasts
- Cutting off her supply line of potential love, dating, and marriage candidates for one group of men
- Looking for validation in places and people where she will never find it
I can go on.. And I think many of you would also agree that a lot of BW today take the left route because they don’t believe they are “worthy” of the right route.
Well I nor anyone can make you believe you are worthy of anything if you choose not to see your worth.
But for the sake of this post, I am trying to reach the BW who GET it, but haven’t really had anyone to tell them HOW to pull themselves from the Matrix magnet trying to drag her to the left route of STRUGGLE and PAIN.
And that tornado, that magnet really consists of people that YOU as a BW keep allowing playing very big parts in your life, even when they are dragging you down that road and you’re trying to get to the right side of the road.
“NEECY AINT NO WAY A BW CAN SIMPLIFY HER LIFE IN THIS CURRENT CLIMATE”
“Neecy! Every week I turn around there is some study, survey, essay, or something basically telling me as a BW that I am simply not worth a damn!”
“Neecy! This world worships white and light skin!”
“Neecy! Black men _________________ (fill in the Blank)”
“Neecy, NEECY, NEEEEEECCCCCAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I say. Yep! You are right. We as BW face a whole lotta shit that the average woman of any other race doesn’t have to deal with. In fact we take on the EXTRA double whammy of not just gender sexism BUT RACISM as well.
And I say YEP you can still have a care-free life. You can have a simplified easy going life – IF YOU SO CHOOSE.
And it doesn’t START with focusing and putting all your attentions on the things you CANNOT change. It starts, it begins it becomes EFFECTIVE when you start by working on the things you CAN change.
I have a saying, “I don’t do crazy”. That means the minute I realize a person, place, or thing has proven itself to be IGNORANT and STUPID, I laugh at it or them and keep it moving.
So yes, everyone is trying to make their lives easier. Some people do it by trying to make other people’s lives hell and filled with emotional turmoil, some do it by trying to keep others BENEATH THEM. And if they win your MIND, they have everything else and you will stay beneath them.
But guess what? You can make your life easy and theirs hell by not even having to address or say or do anything to them. That’s the beauty.
And you do that by living well. The best revenge is LIVING WELL.
But yall aint even trying to do that!
I GET IT, BUT ITS TIME TO MOVE ON LADIES
Look I get it. BW come from a community where very little effort is put into nurturing the mental and emotional and physical well-being of the women and girls. All the love and support goes to men – trifling losers and not.
Going back to the idea of TRUTH in the previous topic. We already know what some of the truths are facing BW in this world.
While not all BW have experienced all of these things, I’m guessing at some point we have either experienced it or seen it play out. So with knowing all of these things, instead of BW figuring out ways to work around the issues that we can and cannot control, we instead keep inviting drama, heartache, stress, burdens, people, and things in our lives who just make things more difficult. And sometimes it’s no one else BUT OURSELVES keeping us from living the most abundant EASIEST life as possible.
I mean if you are already dealing with some stacked odds against you, wouldn’t it make sense to do as much as HUMANLEY POSSIBLE to ease the pain and stress in your life??? Why keep adding onto these odds?
We continue to self and collectively sabotage our potential and growth as women carrying around unnecessary baggage. Baggage that if you really look at it, is something we can relinquish from our individual lives through our MIND SET and willingness to MOVE forward and stop staying stuck in the quick sand pulling you further and further down mentally and emotionally.
THERE IS NO CALVARY WAITING IN THE WINGS OR COMING TO SAVE THE BLACK WOMAN
Just accept it. Once you do, you kick into survival mode and start literally living your life to where you try to avoid as much dysfunction and stress & nonsense as possible. Once you realize there is no one to pull you out other than yourself, you are much more aware of the things you need to do to stay thriving and NOT LOSING and not having to wait on a Calvary.
I have a good friend. This girl is amazing. She just manages to do so many things to thrive as a person and in her life. She’s just a regular girl who came from a regular background like most people. And I asked her why she is so determined and manages to keep herself and life on the RIGHT route – and she says “Because I have no one to fall back on if something happens to me and I don’t make the right moves”.
And that is how people who know they don’t have back up do. They either take the sink or swim approach. It’s like their survival skills kick in and they get isht done OR they start whining and complaining and feeling sorry for themselves by comparing themselves to others who they feel have it better than they do and completely just fall by the wayside never managing to stay or get ahead..
If BW have not figured out by now that there is no Calvary looking to save you, No group of men of ANY RACE looking to save you, NO ONE is looking to save us, then it would make sense to me that you would do everything possible in YOUR LIFE and within your control to make your life as EASY and simplified and stress free as possible.
You should and would only be seeking people who will come to your rescue in time of need. Not people who are sucking the life out of you and then leaving you to die on the pavement once they’ve gotten what they want from you.
Have you ever been around anyone where it was just EXHAUSTING to even be in their presence? Think about the things they did that made you want to run as far away as possible from them.
Instead of simplifying and making our lives as easy as possible so we can be the types of women people want to be with and around, what do BW do?
We continue to do EVERYTHING that works against that and us. We do everything possible to make our lives as difficult as possible. It’s like we walk around with a sign that says “BURDENS, STRUGGLE, PAIN AND STRESS – I WELCOME YOU!!”
HERE’S HOW YOU CAN SIMPLY YOUR LIFE AND MAKE IT EEEEEEEE ZZZZZZZZ
- STAY NEUTRAL. Not your girl Friday (https://notyourgirlfriday.wordpress.com/?s=Neutral) does a great post on this concept. Too many BW get caught up in other people’s mess. A lot of times you just gotta stay neutral and sit still. But we’re always so quick to REACT even when it’s not our issue or in our best interest.
- Be STEALTHY & CALCULATING. Its ok. Everyone else is! That’s how they stay ahead and winning.
- STAY AWAY FROM SOUL CRUSHING PLACES ONLINE Stop going to places (the internet) that steal your joy and eat away at your soul (oh look who’s talking Neecy!!!). Yes I frequented some places that would make me crazy. Then I thought, why not spend your energies in more uplifting places (like your own damn blog) and stop with the nonsense NEECY. Well I am telling you its freeing when you do this ladies. There is a lot of anti BW stuff in cyberspace and you HAVE TO do yourself the justice of avoiding it. It will kill your soul and keep your mind in a forever state of LOSING.
- VET VET VET. Learn the art of VETTING the men and people in your life. Progressive women don’t get caught up in the words of men. It’s all about ACTION. Never listen to what a man says but rather what he does. Men can say all kinds of things. But any man who truly wants to keep you in his life, will MAKE SURE YOU KNOW by not words but his actions.
And that is how he treats you and appreciates you and mostly LETS the people in his life know how much he loves and appreciates you. Any man who is unwilling to share the personal part of his life that includes family and friends – doesn’t like or love you. He’s just dealing with you until the one he really wants comes along.
- SEEK THREAPY IF YOU NEED IT. Stop announcing all your issues to the world and online – SEEK THERAPY in a private professional setting. Stop going on public forums, talk shows and telling the world your plight as a Black woman. It takes your brand down and makes you truly look inferior. Once your brand is tarnished as having always been associated with PAIN, STRUGGLE, BURDENS, and/or INFERIORITY people run from you because they don’t want that rubbing off in their own lives. That stuff is contagious.
- BOUNDARIES. Learn the concept of having boundaries. See above.
- DO NOT HAVE OOW KIDS. I don’t care if it’s the cool thing to do now. Progressive care free living women do not go through child birth for ANY MAN unwilling to look her, his family and your family and all your friends in the face and say “I LOVE THIS WOMAN” so much so that I am making a FORMAL commitment to her by marrying her and saying I am in it for the long haul.
- STOP THE MAMMYING. Stop MAMMYING for everyone. There’s no Calvary caping for you! If no one is rescuing you especially after all the rescuing and caping you do for everyone, then it’s probably a good idea to just mind ya business and stay neutral when others are going through their stuff. In fact, people develop more respect for people who show they aren’t so easily available to everyone.
- VALIDATION SEEKING MAKES YOU POWERLESS .Do not look for validation in groups of people, groups of men or things where you obviously won’t get it – This makes you EXTREMELY VULNERABLE and gives them all the power. I understand that its human nature to want to be validated in some ways. Its ok. Just don’t go looking for it in obvious places where you won’t get it. I see so many BW just looking for validation from men or things and they stay loosing b/c of that. No man wants a desperate and easy catch. They will use you until a more “valuable” woman in their eyes comes along. You should only be seeking validation from those IN-DI-VID-U-ALS in your life who have proven to care about you and reciprocate and encourage you to be a better person.
- PLAY THE GAME/POLITICS. Learn how to play the game others are playing. That can be in your work life and personal life. If you see everyone doing one thing and you keep being determined to do something else, you are probably “othering” yourself. I am not saying don’t be unique and independent. But too many times BW engage in “OTHERING” behaviors that ultimately, push you ten steps back and allow all other women to skip ahead of you in the line. Or in the workforce, it makes you a target when you do not always play the game and politics that everyone else is playing.
- INSECURITIES ARE NORMAL – BUT NO ONE NEEDS TO HEAR ABOUT THEM ALL THE TIME. If you have to pretend everyday you are happy and well-adjusted you do that until you reach that point in your life. The more down and out you appear and talk, the further people want to be away from you. The only people who want to be around insecure people are SOCIOPATHS who live and die by the rule of using and getting over on people and women who are insecure.
- WHAT GIVES YOU THAT WARM & FUZZY ON THE INSIDE? Find things that bring out the best in you. For me, it’s make up and beauty stuff. Not because I am vain, but because I love the idea of taking care of myself and looking and feeling my best. It’s also being out with friends in social setting and laughing.
- Find yours. This will help you cultivate and enhance your best features and brings out your personality.
- INNER CIRCLE. Only surround yourself with people who are constantly encouraging you to be better. People who are thriving, flourishing and doing their best. No OPTIONS.