Black woman Strategy #0958497549759847552837: UNDERSTANDING & WORKING IN THE GRAY AREAS



As hard as it may be, many times I work and move in the gray areas because I know that is really what is going to move me 10 steps ahead of everyone else’s double standards, FAKERY, Lying, broken promises or trying to f*ck me over and get over or treat me a certain way based on being Black and a Woman .



Would I like to work in the Black/White and objective all the time? Of course who wouldn’t? its face value, it direct and its tangible, its “set in stone, it’s clear and concrete. You can touch it, feel it, see it and be comfy in it.



The gray area and the subjective isn’t always so easy to move about if you refuse to see what you are up against. And believe everything is always working from a FAIR & BALANCED standpoint.



Don’t get me wrong, you need to also be able to move in the Black and White areas. But the problem is BW have not equipped themselves to be able to deal in the gray areas and are often left CONFROOOSED when certain crap hits the fan and we were unprepared or unaware of how and why it happened.



The gray area is ambiguous and abstract. It’s harder to ponder and accept – especially when you believe things are or should always be FAIR and balanced and should garner the same results across the board.



It is painful to know and believe that because of the color of your skin and gender, you MAY very well be treated differently than another woman of a different shade DESPITE the “rules” saying that we are “all equal” with the same rights. The concept is true in a sense, but it’s not always applied. And how do you act in situations that you know the concept is not and will not be applied for you be it wrong or right?



All men in every race and culture TEND to and SHOULD protect and honor their women. You see the men in your race don’t do that – do you keep believing in the face value and RULES of how it should be, or do you look at the GRAY area and understand that not all rules will apply to everyone for whatever reasons, and you have to adjust yourself accordingly?


But we don’t have time for that PAIN & crying anymore because its reality. Strategy says a BW who understands the gray area, will always be 10 steps ahead so that she doesn’t end up 6 feet under or under someone’s 10 inch boots.


So we find ways to work around the Black and White and make sure we are covering our tracks in the gray areas. It’s the GRAY areas, the UNSPOKEN that are the BW’s friend and savior.


BW w/ EYES WIDE SHUT = Mental, Emotional and Physical STRIFE & SUFFERING




Your GUT is the Grey Area. And in many cases it can also be the LOGIC in how to act or move in a certain situation. Just because something is at face value, doesn’t always mean it’s LOGICAL.


I’m a firm believer in GUT and instinct. I have instinct and intuition like a MOFO. And I’m pretty sure I aint the only sister with it. When my gut and intuition speaks to me it’s NEVER WRONG. When my GUT tells me to do something and I do it, I win in whatever situation I am in.


There is a reason why they say in testing if you do not know the answer or are unsure of the correct choice, the first answer you choose is usually the correct one. Often times when you don’t go with your gut, you will make the wrong choice. THIS is proven in testing. I remember always being told this throughout school.


So my whole point is, If something doesn’t *FEEL RIGHT* or seem right to you, it PROLLY ISN’T! And your God given intuition speaks to you through your gut and will tell you this – *IF* you are listening.



In my last post I talked about how a lot of times we as BW expect things to be done according to right and wrong, what should be or could be, based on RULES or based on how others fare or act in certain situations or what other *SAY*. IOW’s we like to work and move in the Black & White/Objective AAL.THE.TIME.


Even though I know a lot of BW’s gut tells them that doing a certain thing will cost them, a lot of BW still throw caution and logic to the wind and still do it working against their intuition and instinct.


BW looove us some “feel good” memes, words and talks, we love when people gas us up with feel good promises. We like to believe the unbelievable. Even though we know they are full of shit, based on past occurrences. Hell a lot of times we don’t even get the benefits of being gassed up as our leeches understand at this juncture it’s not necessarily required to suck us dry.


That’s because they know BW live and venture off into fantasy la la land *believing* in feel good memes and promises and actions that we’ve never even seen. We just base it on…… NOTHING but right and wrong. What *should* be and not what *IT IS*.


It doesn’t matter that deep down we know some ish isn’t right, and that we may see different results of what others promised or said. We still seem to move and work in the Black and White and the FACE VALUE even when it’s clear it aint benefiting us.


Someone asks you for money or resources and you really need it for yourself, and know they aren’t able or WILLING to pay it back (based on past history), but because they *TOLD* you they will give it back you lend it out. And you never get it back and now you are paying the price literally for taking them at face value and not working in the gray area of logic and instinct that told you they CANNOT pay you back and loaning the money to them will place you in a bad place.


BW these days don’t seem to think or act in the guise of Actions and behaviors, gut and instinct (the GRAY area and Subjective). Instead we take EVERY.THING as face value. And that is operating from an eyes wide shut stance. And that has clearly been evidenced to be not working too well for us as a collective.


What are some of these Black/White areas:

(1)    The belief that if you sacrifice and move mountains for others to climb you will get it in return – based on feel good words and promises and memes; even if past results have shown it aint so


  • The belief that because we have a *RIGHT* to do, say something, or act in certain way that it means there will be no consequences – not looking at the “gray” area and using logic and instinct viewing the whole story or bigger picture.


  • The belief that because others do something for another group, that will translate to people doing the same for you – based in expectations and not realities and actions (i.e. the GRAY areas)


  • The belief that because you choose to do something, others will do the same – based on the false assumption of good will


  • The belief that Perception is not Reality and that everyone is able to look beyond the surface and treat you accordingly – based on believing that people are superhuman capable of always looking beyond what you present to them


  • The belief that people are going to care for you and honor you, because it’s done for other groups


  • The belief that if you keep doing something that isn’t working, ONE DAY it will work or pay off – based on fantasies that are never grounded in reality


  • The belief that all of your problems will fix themselves – based in believing that GOD’s job is to literally walk you through all your choices, decisions and actions even when they go against his will or not based in common sense


  • The belief that change is futile and selling out even when changing will benefit you


(10)The belief that some people are just born to suffer and carry burdens while others are meant to thrive – believing permanent victim status is something to be proud of or is honorable


When you are working in the GRAY area though, you use your INTUITION, INCLINATION and INSTINCT to handle the situation as to come out ahead and on top, and not 6 feet under or having a quality of life seeped in suffering.


When you work in the gray area, you do not accept everything as face value. It needs to dissected, prodded and probed before you come to any conclusions. It’s not based in emotion and ill logic and false assumptions. The gray area is the area others don’t want you as a BW to see or move in. because that means you have to look beneath the surface, go by others actions and not words and to use those actions as your guide to protect yourself and stay ahead of the GAME.


The saying goes:



But what we never hear is:



And when BW show everyone that they are willing to fight everyone’s fight with no expectation or demand for reciprocations, when we take on causes that do not benefit us at all, when we present ourselves as SHE WOMEN who can “take on the world and traditional male roles” then we are telling other people to BELIEVE US that this is who we are and what we are proud of.

And when they act accordingly, suddenly we fall back and want to be seen as “vulnerable” as everyone else who DOESN’T ENGAGE in those behaviors.

If BW want to receive the same courtesies, concessions and protections that other women have then BW better start adopting the “WHEN IN ROME!” meme.

When you promote your brand of “WOMANHOOD” as sacrifice without reciprocation, being combative and angry and foul-mouthed, working in ILL-LOGIC, etc., then you are asking people to take those perceptions THAT YOU PUT OUT as reality.

When you show others you have ZERO tolerance for strategy they will act accordingly.


Although yall aint stupid, I’m just going to lay it out for you.

All the caping done for the Black man and the Black community that BW do, while seeing little to no return for your sacrifice, says that BW are operating from a standpoint of believing that your good will is the same good will others will return back to you. We do not demand proof of collateral. We just do shit for the sake of it and sit back and *EXPECT* that it will boomerang back to us and catapult us to being loved, honored and cherished.



This belief that we can act a certain way outside of Black settings and get the same results because “we have a right to be us” is proving to not be working so well for us collectively.


There is a saying that Khadija used to say in her blogs writings in how BW should stop “OTHERING” themselves as women (and I’m paraphrasing) but she would say “If you are the only one doing something, it’s probably not the best thing to be doing” something to that affect.


IOW’s, if you are the only race/group of women doing something and other groups of women who are faring better than you don’t engage in those behaviors, then clearly you are the one prolly not doing the right or *SMART* thing to be successful and you are “othering” yourself.

This is not saying don’t be somewhat independent or embrace your individuality, but that means stop doing things that only push you further away from being treated humanely as a woman or receiving the “concessions, courtesies, protections” that other women benefit from as Halima has said.


Mouthing off at cops when you already know you are likely to be man-handled and possibly killed because your humanity is null and void in most of their eyes, manning the front lines in “civil rights demonstrations for BLACK MEN” and getting tear gassed, shot at, arrested and hosed down, PROUDLY declaring that you re STRONG and can handle everything (be you saying it or showing it through your actions), acting in ways that larger society deems undesirable but claiming “too bad I’m Black and gonna keep it real” and then expecting to be treated and viewed in the same way as others not participating in that way of thinking or acting – you are OTHERING yourself Yet expecting to be treated the same way that other women WHO GENERALLY DO NOT ACT LIKE THIS get treated!


Sorry but that aint how it works! Humans do not work that way. Humans work from the standpoint that if someone appears to be embracing of certain behaviors and actions, then they are also embracing of the treatments and perceptions and possible consequences that come along with it. Its common sense!



If BW want to remain in victim status, then continue to be strategy-less


BW, We like to believe (and rightfully so as we are human like all others) that we will be treated accordingly by Right and wrong no matter how awry the situation. We like to believe that because it’s written in ink, the law or told to us by others, that it’s so.


NOT always.


In a perfect non-racist society and world, YES this would make sense. But we don’t live in a perfect world. BW have to work from INTUITION, INSTINCT and with EYES WIDE OPEN.


But a lot of times Black women refuse to acknowledge certain realities. Or maybe not refuse to acknowledge, because I believe a lot of BW already know deep down how things are and cannot handle THE TRUTH.


And the TRUTH is, Black women are often dealing in gray areas of life that may not always apply to others on the surface. And need to develop STRATEGIES on how to become the VICTOR and not the VICTIM.


LOOK BENEATH THE SURFACE OF WHAT IS AT FACE VALUE –And you will see that Rabbit hole that awaits you if you do not work in Inclinations, Instinct and Intuition – THE GRAY AREA.


50 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Neecy
    Jul 24, 2015 @ 18:58:27

    PS. I tried finding the link on Khadijas old Sojourners Passport page for the “othering” topic and wasn’t able to find the search button. If anyone can figure out how to search for terms on her page please let me know. Other than going through all the posts, I can’t find the search topic button.



  2. Neecy
    Jul 24, 2015 @ 19:03:56

    Also, the fact that *NOW* so many BW want to question why people don’t see our “vulnerability” and cannot believe “we would kill ourselves” is being DISHONEST and FAKE. BW know why everyone sees us as SUPERHUMANS and its because THAT IS HOW WE PRESENTED OURSELVES TO SOCIETY for decades.

    That is the image and perception we CONTINUE to celebrate and embrace. We *THOUGHT* it was admirable until now, now that its coming back to literally kill us and physically disarm us.

    I cannot stand when BW participate in phony discussions of “why do people believe BW are superhuman?” without acknowledging the MAJOR role BW have played in embracing and pushing that meme and image.

    The FACT is BW rarely commit DIRECT SUICIDE. BW do however, commit suicide in other ways that slowly kill us. But statistically speaking its just the truth that BW do not put guns to their heads or hang themselves or cut their wrists on average compared to others.

    That doesn’t make us superhuman, that just means we manifest our mental and emotional issues in other ways that eventually kill us slowly.

    And I am going to go on record and say this YES I find it admirable that BW do not result to direct suicide because that means there is till a chance for BW to turn things around if she gets the help she needs.



  3. Jameelah
    Jul 24, 2015 @ 19:37:15

    I like this post. Especially the part about being too “real” for your own good. I’m a private person. I love to win, but I don’t care for the spotlight. But I remember a time when I thought my anger and tantrums were like everyone else’s until a tantrum landed me in court and I realized that I didn’t have an ounce of power in that setting. Nobody cared, they didn’t empathize, all they saw was another hot-headed, pissed at the world black chick. They didn’t care to consider my back ground and that I didn’t fit those stereotypes, they didn’t have to because I gave them an easy out by acting like what they expected. That was the college years, early twenties. I carry myself with respect at all times because that’s what I would like to experience from the world. That doesn’t mean it will always be reciprocated but at least I know im giving it. My daughters see how my pleasant attitude always induce compliments, doors being opened for us and lots of please and thank yous from all types of men, especially black men, in all of our interactions. You can’t be the negative that everyone is expecting you to be, I agree that we don’t have that luxury. We are severely outnumbered as black Americans. I’m not sure many people know that in this country, with such a small portion of the population (13%) we may never be completely exempt from otherness. So like you say, you have to have a strategy. That doesn’t mean have a self-righteous chip on your shoulder, but instead to accept the crappiness of the perception and do better. You will never get other cultures to be relaxed around belligerent, “black” behavior, I don’t care how much worst other cultures may be in different areas. We are no where near the majority so it will always be hard to control how we are perceived here. Some women wouldn’t be so pissed off if they weren’t being used up all of the time. Make better choices. It’s a process. I too hope beautiful brown women learn to become more pleasant and vulnerable when faced with challenges. Even if we know its effed up.
    But, I don’t see anything wrong with standing up for others. Many of those marching women have black sons that have no steady father figure and they are truly at a lost for how to raise, nuture and maintain their sons. Any fight for rights today makes it better for their sons in the future.
    Also, I was thinking about a world culture class I took a while ago and it seems the women of oppressed society’s are always at the bottom of the barrel. It is always more important to uplift the men. The women in those cultures saw it as themselves being too vulnerable without their male counterpart even if the men are underperforming. So while some feel black men outwardly don’t reciprocate, they feel the group of oppressed people would be further weakened if divided. And let’s not forget, 84% of black men marry within their race so while the negative view of black male and female relations is often highlighted and exploited for the benefit of current power structures, its not the norm for a very large segment of black Americans. Too bad our positives are often hidden on a large scale.



  4. Neecy
    Jul 24, 2015 @ 19:53:34


    I agree with most of your post except the last part:

    Many of those marching women have black sons that have no steady father figure and they are truly at a lost for how to raise, nuture and maintain their sons. Any fight for rights today makes it better for their sons in the future.

    I Disagree! What about their daughters? I often hear this argument about why BW and Black people get on the front lines for Black men because they are Black women’s “sons”. But I have a problem with this thinking because equally the same should apply to Black women’s and people’s daughters are are also suffering (and many times at the hands of those Black sons) AND greater society. IOW’s BW are dealing with sexism within their own communities and RACISM outside. BM only deal with racism and benefit from sexism in the BC. So that actually means Black daughters are more vulnerable and need to be uplifted. Because when the women of any group are mistreated and stepped on, that group will *NEVER* be in a position of power or to succeed. It seems all other cultures and races understand this concept except Blacks!

    Also, I was thinking about a world culture class I took a while ago and it seems the women of oppressed society’s are always at the bottom of the barrel. It is always more important to uplift the men. The women in those cultures saw it as themselves being too vulnerable without their male counterpart even if the men are underperforming. So while some feel black men outwardly don’t reciprocate, they feel the group of oppressed people would be further weakened if divided.

    Uh. Take a look around Jameelah. BW are EXATLY in that position. Blacks are already divided AND CONQUERED. BW are not only now vulnerable to greater racist society, but within their own communities with sexism. So how is this uplifting BM keeping BW from being vulnerable??? The way I see it, BW are pretty much sitting ducks for everyone at this point DUE to the lack of protections we receive from our communities and men.

    And let’s not forget, 84% of black men marry within their race so while the negative view of black male and female relations is often highlighted and exploited for the benefit of current power structures, its not the norm for a very large segment of black Americans. Too bad our positives are often hidden on a large scale.

    And that 84% of BM who marry within the race have not built stronger communities and safe havens for their wives and children.

    Liked by 1 person


  5. Jameelah
    Jul 24, 2015 @ 21:07:01

    It depends on your setting. Women around the world suffer silently all the time. Every country I’ve been to the women suffer and are used as sex slaves and child brides, etc. That’s not honoring their women, that’s honoring themselves. Men are dangerous creatures who can not be given absolute power, they will abuse it and their women. That’s why from culture to culture since the beginning of time women have formed alliances. There are several Arab countries like Jordan for instance that does very well but they don’t respect their womens’ place in society at all. They are regulary controlled and marginalized. Nothing just happens to blacks or black women. Everything hapoens to everybody. I see different issues affect other cultures differently. Like suicide, incest and prescription drug abuse is a much larger problem for whites but its framed differently. Environment is everything too. I don’t have television by choice and don’t listen to the radio either, so I’m not bombarded with this negative or as some call it, “realistic” view of blacks. And I’m thinking I’ll stay that way.

    To me its not being informed, rather being programmed. Then we subconsciously seek the false reality that’s being portrayed to us. I have always felt protected by my dad, brothers and every mate I’ve chosen. I also grew up in a large religious community where strong black men were the norm. All my friends had strong men protecting them too.

    I guess my point is. I feel black women can be advocated for without taking anything away from those who advocate for black men. I think there is enough LOVE to go around. I tend to look for the most positive result in all instances. When ever we discuss subtraction of something thats needed it promotes scarcity and poverty mentality. The not enough syndrome. I’m saying, I don’t think supporting black men is remotely a negative. But women in general are martyrs so this behavior is expected, whether black or white. Of course black women need to get smarter about their choices in men but it stems from a scarcity mindset. Women of all cultures have always put themselves last, that’s what we do even when we don’t directly benefit from it. If course, I am very much a believer in supporting our daughters and women, but I don’t feel one takes precedence over the other. All of this is generational training, crabs in a barrell. In my surroundings the men and women are side by side. Always have been. And I don’t ever remember my father cowering when it came time to support or defend us. Many black women are safely tucked away in great marriages, but advertising that side of us would make us seem all too human.

    You experience in life what you believe to be true. Many black women have been trained to think that everything is extra hard just for them, so usually it is.

    I see myself as victorious and I usually am.

    Black men aren’t remotely the problem for black women, if there is one. Black women are plagued with the same challenge as any other human beings, low self-esteem, low education and generatiinal financial brokenness.



    • Eliza
      Jul 25, 2015 @ 08:12:13


      Incest and sexual abuse in black families are severely underreported. I know it was never reported in my family. And it happened to several female relatives. Elders just told you that it either didn’t happen or not to talk about it. BW are made to seem evil if they ever consider reporting such heinous crimes against BM. Especially BM in their family. There is this push not to air dirty laundry to white folks and protect BM.

      Check out these links:



      • Neecy
        Jul 27, 2015 @ 21:43:38

        @ ELIZA

        EXACTLY! So many Black women are/were victims of sexual abuse by male relatives its not even funny. Its happens so much that I believe a lot of BW believe its a right of passage. A lot of this is never spoken because the Black community sends a clear message that doing anything or saying anything against Black men is “destructive” because they have to deal with “racism”.

        Once again that goes back to the double wammy BW are dealing with yet what is ignored by the BC altogether. BW also deal with racism and sexism from Black community and White.



    • Neecy
      Jul 27, 2015 @ 21:34:18

      @ JAMEELAH

      But women in general are martyrs so this behavior is expected, whether black or white.

      No, not in Western cultures where White women of European decent fought for their rights which ultimately by default benefited any and all women of any race in Western societies.

      In socities of men of color the women are martyrs. It seems European men are much better at being men and allowing their women to also be such. Does that mean there is no sexism in Western culture. No. But compared to other cultures Western women fare the best. So no, I don’t agree that all women are martyrs in general. Western societies the women are free to be women and are protected while also able to be independent and free to make their own choices and lives their lives based on their own desires.

      Women of all cultures have always put themselves last, that’s what we do even when we don’t directly benefit from it.

      Once again NOT TRUE. Looking at European women and Western societies this is not true AT ALL. And thankfully so, because minority women living in these societies wouldn’t have even a pinch of the things we have and are able to achieve it it was not for European men willingness to allow their women freedoms that are not afforded to others. Also, White women seemed to be the only group of women who were willing to openly fight for their freedom as women and b/c of that all women living in western societies are able to have and enjoy these freedoms as well compared to non European societies.

      In my surroundings the men and women are side by side. Always have been. And I don’t ever remember my father cowering when it came time to support or defend us.

      And? There are also plenty of BW like myself who have supportive Black men and father in their lives. But we do not live in a vacuum and neither do you. The general collective of Black women and the Black community is drenched and drowning in dysfunction that puts Black women and girls in the sacrificial lamb seat due to sexism which is perpetuated by Black men and supported and upheld by Black women overall.



  6. Mimi
    Jul 25, 2015 @ 19:13:37

    Code switching, identity management, perception checking, perceived self, all of this I had to learn in my 50s! Yes, 50s! in an interpersonal relationship class at community college. The professor even addressed the whole “keepin’ it real” comportment and said that if you communicate with everyone in the same way you are a blooming idiot! I am grateful to God that I was awakened.
    Social competence is getting what you need and what you want. Black Women need to learn that what we have a “right” to is living well and doing well. When I was young, my grandfather had a pamphlet of “Colored Rest Stops and Lodgings”. You see, when we travelled during segregation (which really didn’t end until 1972) we were prepared. Now, we believe we don’t have to be prepared. We need to take fruit with us and water so we don’t have to go into a store with bad food and racist owners which will ultimately lead to a confrontation. Strategy also means avoidance and we don’t see that. Avoidance grants us freedom to pursue our goals, dreams and ideas. I believe every BW is capable of competing with a women of every color on this earth, but we are too cock-blocked by the BS which we are told is relevant to our existence.
    The internet is a blessing because many of us who know the deal do not want to share it and there are many of us who just don’t know. Furthermore, there is a big influx of lesbianism due to BM mistreatment and misbehavior in the community which is confusing black girls. I believe we might have to singularly do the right thing before we can collectively do the right thing as a force.

    Liked by 1 person


    • Neecy
      Jul 27, 2015 @ 21:40:50

      @ MIMI

      The professor even addressed the whole “keepin’ it real” comportment and said that if you communicate with everyone in the same way you are a blooming idiot!

      This is what so many BW refuse to see and adapt to. This is where the problem with the White male police and Black women are coming in. Black women need to understand that being “mouthy” and cursing out men and getting in men’s faces might be tolerated in the Black community, but in other cultures people will react differently.

      Also carrying these types of behaviors out into mainstream societies is why so many Black women are generally hated. We participate in behaviors that are deemed undesirable by greater society and believe that there will be no consequences because we have “a right” to be us. Well yes, and you also have a right to be ostracized for those behaviors too. And since BW have no infrastructure, BW cannot afford to keep othering themselves and being socially ostracized because we do not know how to adapt to different environments accordingly.



  7. neurochick
    Jul 27, 2015 @ 11:15:01

    I know that no one race is perfect, but my neighborhood is becoming gentrified. I see white women pushing baby carriages, their husband with them; I see Asian and white parents playing with their children in the playground. I think this is important to see. I think it should make black children question, “why isn’t my family like this? Why does my mother do everything and there’s no dad?” See, sometimes I think the BC’s downfall was normalizing dysfunction.

    “Colored Rest Stops and Lodgings” I’ve heard of that pamphlet. See during segregation and Jim Crow, black people had agency, we had to because no one was going to take care of us; you had an OOW child, well your family had to take care of you, not the government. It seemed like the government took away black folks’ agency.



    • Mimi
      Jul 27, 2015 @ 18:27:56

      Yes, normalizing dysfunction and calling good for evil and evil for good. We were so moved by our leaders who had a spiritual calling (African heritage), the white man killed them and replaced them with corrupted and corruptible leaders. Now look how that turned out for us. I agree with you that little kids should have a different script, programming and outlook. Maybe then the BC will change. But we need to each one, change one SELF and that is how it will happen. Aren’t blogs like this one great!!



    • Neecy
      Jul 27, 2015 @ 21:48:40

      Great point Neurochick!

      And I believe the Black community today is about to go through another version of what our ancestors went through because for so long we squandered all of our opportunities as a community to make things even better. Instead we celebrated, embraced and fought for dysfunction (and still do) and now that the chickens have come to roost, Black people or rather WOMEN want to have “Black lives matter” marches.


      Sometimes things have to get real shitty before they get better again. Black people may have to be dripped of everything again before they wake up and realize how good we had it for decades compared to our ancestors who had much more agency than we did. And as you said, because they didn’t have time to play victims since no one was willing to take care of them. You have so many Blacks today who are like children waiting for their “WHITE DADDY AND MOMMA” to love them and give them everything they think they deserve.

      This may be the last opportunity for Blacks to get it together or else its pretty much a wrap.

      I’m not going to hold my breath. Many Blacks will simply never get it and fall by the wayside. All I can hope for is that many more BW wake up before its too late.



      • neurochick
        Jul 28, 2015 @ 07:03:07

        I hear what you’re saying Neecy. I don’t know what you exactly mean though when you say “it’s a wrap” and “before it’s too late.” The reason I say this is I lived through a time when we were SURE that Russia was going to drop the A bomb on the US and there were fallout shelters and you had to stockpile canned food and water and everything, no joke. Where I live they used to test the air raid sirens every day. People were so sure but that didn’t happen.

        What I consider “falling by the wayside” is becoming a permanent underclass, each generation not knowing how to get from point A to point B. I don’t know if that’s what you mean.

        For instance, take cooking. When you know how to cook, it can be the difference between survival and starvation. Learn how to cook so you’re not dependent on processed foods which aren’t good for you anyway. Learn how to go to the butcher and ask him for the meat scraps that will be thrown away; you take them, some frozen veggies, beans and you’ve got soup or stew and that’ll last a few days.

        So, when you say “it’s a wrap, is that what you mean?” Not trolling, just asking for clarification.



        • Mimi
          Jul 28, 2015 @ 15:02:20

          I don’t mean to answer for Neecy, but I interpret its a wrap to mean that: any earmarks for black advancement will be rolled over to the immigrant population, we will become a yawn in the minds of others, we will continue to be killed (and kill each other) with increasing regularity and impunity, become a subconscious negative in the minds of others, have a distorted view projected worldwide by Hollyweird and become a mass of ignorance and sickness imprisoned, with a life span of 40 years.



  8. notyourtoken
    Jul 30, 2015 @ 18:16:36

    lol. I’ve just written about this phenomena of gray areas (in relation to what black women name their children). It’s amazing to me that people don’t understand how the hypocrisy of this world makes it nearly impossible to function in black and white mentality. Forcing yourself to do so will definitely have you ending up as someone’s sucker.



  9. notyourtoken
    Jul 30, 2015 @ 18:19:30

    Reblogged this on theblackprep/Reloaded and commented:



  10. pheonix
    Aug 01, 2015 @ 10:12:05

    “This belief that we can act a certain way outside of Black settings and get the same results because “we have a right to be us” is proving to not be working so well for us collectively.”

    Unfortunately, Sandra Bland’s behavior confirmed what many BM say publicly about us, their often-stated reasons for not wanting BW: angry, loud, combative, emasculating, disrespectful of male authority, and have bad attitudes. Non-black men around the world got a glimpse of what BM tolerate from BW.

    She had a bad attitude from the start, even when the officer was being respectful to her. She had no respect for his authority as a police officer and that was clear even before he decided to punish her for not putting out the cigarette. The tone of her response to his comment about her seeming “irritated” was definitely one of attitude and indignation. She was angry even before he pulled her over. She–like far too many BW–are hair-trigger sensitive, ready to deliver a good, foulmouthed tongue lashing at the drop of a hat.

    It did not take much to bring out the “black” in Sandra Bland, did it? Of course she was not breaking the law by smoking in her car. But what is the big deal about putting out a cigarette? He was asking her to be courteous because the cigarette smoke is unpleasant to him. And why was she so irritated over a traffic violation that originally earned only a warning? Why did she need to truthfully “explain” why she seemed irritated? She just had to keep it “real” right?

    And the funny thing is, even though she was belligerent, arrogant and offensive,(calling the officer a “pu%%y” and boasting about taking him down in court), she still expected to be treated like a lady, SMH. What lady calls a man a “pu%%y” and taunts him for being “afraid of a woman”? Sandra Bland was determined to emasculate the officer and the ease with which she did it shows that she was well practiced–she had done it many times before to BM. As much as we BW want to deny it, Sandra Bland is the typical BW. It is time for BW to clean up our own act and stop bashing BM. Too many of our sisters are truly an embarrassment and deserve to be rejected by men of any race.

    A warning to BW who want to come over to IR: quality White and non-black men are NOT going to tolerate nasty attitudes and disrespectful behavior as BM do. They will NOT allow BW to emasculate them while demanding to be protected and provided for. Black people are at the bottom of the social hierarchy and ALL non-black men have more power than BW with WM having the most power. Non-black men do not have to tolerate BS from BW because there is no shortage of women for them. They will use their white or non-black privilege to destroy you. I truly believe the reason Debra Dickerson’s white ex-husband destroyed her is because she got out of line.

    Even though I am pro-IR dating, I have never approved of most of the BWE/IR blogs. For almost a decade, BWE bloggers have been bashing BM as useless and dangerous to BW and children while holding up BW as helpless victims. The BWE message has been: “black men are DBR but BW are wonderful so BW need to leave “blackistan” and get with alpha non-black men who secretly hate their own women and will give their right arms to have a BW. BM are the ONLY men who don’t like dark skin and West African features so BW will have NO problems getting the BEST non-black men”.

    One BWE blogger delights in her delusion that WM will protect BW from BM as more BW marry white men. BWE bloggers thought they were hurting BM by “exposing” their dysfunctions and “blackistan” to the world. Never mind that DBR BM are birthed and raised by BW. BWE made BW believe that we could separate our image from that of BM and be our own little group. When Eric Garner, Trayvon Martin and other BM were killed by cops, some BWE bloggers proudly stated those incidents were no concern of BW because WM love BW and will protect us.

    Now BW are being exposed to the world. While many non-black men don’t approve of the way the officer handled Sandra Bland, you better believe they found her behavior offensive. Interestingly enough, Sandra was college-educated and also grew up in the suburbs and went to predominantly white schools. I guess it’s time for BW to stop boasting about our college education because we don’t seem to behave any better than the uneducated BM that BWE women denounce.

    The cases of Sandra Bland and the black girl at the pool party show that WM do not see BW as women first, contrary to BWE propaganda. White men see BW as BLACK first. Look how easily those white officers lost their tempers with unarmed, physically nonviolent BW. And both of those cops are young, in their 20s or 30s. A few years ago, a BWE blogger happily condemned a black bus driver for hitting a BW who HIT HIM FIRST. She was glad for the world to see how BM don’t restrain themselves with BW. But Dylan Roof kills six BW and BW are mishandled by white cops and she has nothing bad to say about WM. This is the kind of propaganda that will get BW abused or killed by WM.

    Black women, the truth is this: we can run but we cannot hide. The world knows that we are the most unprotected and powerless women and non-black men will abuse or kill us as readily as they will BM. If you want to date IR, do so only if you are attracted to non-black men and simply want to expand your pool of eligible men. Don’t date IR because you think that non-black men won’t mistreat BW or because you hate BM. And don’t be arrogant thinking that once you as a BW decide you want a non-black man, no woman is competition. There is stiff competition for quality non-black men; MOST non-black men prefer their own women first then outside non-black women before BW. That is not a put down, it is simply fact.

    There is no IR utopia. Non-black men (both in America and “across the pond”) have SERIOUS color and race issues. They love light skin, straight/soft hair and chiseled features even more than BM do. That is why non-black features are the standard of beauty. Black men did not create the standard of beauty that most BW can’t achieve. Non-black men happily place their own women on a beauty pedestal above BW. I know IR propagandists don’t want to hear the truth. You better be psychologically prepared for rejection and competition from all women including the mixed-race women that WM supposedly can’t stand to look at. IR dating is not the cakewalk that BWE bloggers claim it is.



    • Formavitae
      Aug 01, 2015 @ 20:28:28


      I’m not going to say a lot, because I’ve been “talking” so much online ALREADY. But, I did want to make a few comments.

      I DISAGREE that “Sandra Bland is the typical BW.” I am NOTHING like Sandra Bland, except for being chocolate with a naturally kinky hair texture. I do not assume that I am “exceptional” in my poise, disposition, courtesy, or work ethic. On the contrary, I believe MANY BW “ARE LIKE ME”.

      I don’t know if you are truly a BWE supporter, but I AM, and I want to speak in support of the women who have given so much to support AAW/G. Women like Halima, Khadija, Faith, Evia, Sara, and more whose names I do not know, have done NOTHING except encourage BW/G to see their worth and to understand that there are others in the world who will see their worth and value them. I appreciate ALL they have given. It IS a GREAT CONTRIBUTION and an EXCELLENT example of “giving of oneself for the GREATER good”.

      I don’t know why people always accuse these writers of promoting a “white knight in shining armor”-type fantasy. But, they have only encouraged BW to explore ALL of their options. And, you know, of ALL men, BW are discouraged from being open to WM. furthermore, the writer have clearly and CORRECTLY stated that WM are the majority of men in number and also have fewer social constraints from whom BW *CAN* (not “MUST”) choose. I feel these “misunderstandings” and “misinterpretations” are the result of some people PROJECTING their own views/assumptions on the writers rather than truly “listening” to what they have to say.

      For all they have done, taught, and shown, I STAND BEHIND THESE WOMEN.

      BW/BWE writers realize men like women with a variety of looks including lighter skin and straighter hair (characteristics common to MANY people groups of the earth). They only want BW/G to realize they will not be rejected/penalized for their natural characteristics to the same degree that they are accustomed in the BC.

      Liked by 1 person


      • christina
        Aug 02, 2015 @ 04:50:21

        @phoenix….are you really a Black woman?….you are Imo sick and you have a lot of anger and hatred towards Black women…If you do not like the BWE blogs do not read them….I feel the reason you are so angry is because those BWEbloggers are brilliant and are speaking the TRUTH!…and @formavitae….I agree with all you said…..If Phoenix is a black woman….Some black women are truly scared and in pain with heart breaking inferiority complexes….but an even sadder thing is these women for whatever reason want to infect other Black women with these fears and inferiority complexes….I don’t know but Black women like@phoenix I just wanna get away from(if she’s a black woman)….These women are a danger and a hindrance for Black women seeking freedom and abundant life much like the sista soldiers, etc….christ.

        Liked by 1 person


        • Neecy
          Aug 02, 2015 @ 12:17:56

          Yes I just read Phoenix post and she/he/it is definitely a concern troll. But I’m gonna say it’s clear Phoenix is a Black man trying (unsuccessfully) to make us believe he is a “concerned” BW.



    • Rae
      Aug 02, 2015 @ 06:09:45

      Pheonix I do not believe you are a black woman, so please stop. You are most definitely a black man.



    • Neecy
      Aug 02, 2015 @ 12:25:56

      MISTER Phoenix,

      Just N FYI I already know you’re a BLACK MALE trying to act like you are a Black woman.

      the BW who date inter racially act nothing like the BW you described and thus why so many have separated themselves from the general collective of BW who act this way. While I agree on your assessment of Sandra Blands behavior, and the fact that BW have no male group of ANY RACE looking to uplift or protect us, the Sandra Blands of the world are not even considering dating IR.

      Sandra Blands of the world are STILL fighting for the BM cause and getting NADA in return but being labeled angry and aggressive, getting arrested and dying in jails because they are still emotionally invested in fighting the black mans battles.

      Sandra Bland acted the way she did because she clearly had a history of making posts about police brutality affecting BLACK MEN. She carried that EMOTIONALISM and used it against that cop for BLACK MEN CAUSE.

      Funnily, and In fact the BLACK MAN she depended on to come and bail her out for $500 never showed up and continued to ignore her calls until AFTER she was pronounced dead by the media.

      NICE TRY! IR dating BW are a different breed of BW so don’t worry about them, they’re doing just fine.

      Liked by 1 person


    • All4menow
      May 28, 2016 @ 06:11:05

      New to this site and your words were a breath of fresh air and a great reality check about race and gender dynamics that goes missing on BWE blogs. Hope to read more of what u have to share.



      • Neecy
        Jun 02, 2016 @ 19:38:36

        Hey ALL4MENOW!!

        Thanks so much for visiting and the kind words. I haven’t been here for a minute as I sometimes need to take breaks. But I still very much think everyday about BW and how we can win! Add me to email because I do get on some streaks were I write posts and like to have discussions with the progrewssive women here.



  11. Formavitae
    Aug 01, 2015 @ 20:52:47

    I will include more writers/commenters:

    OLS, Truth P, Betty, Joyous Nerd, and MANY more



  12. Formavitae
    Aug 01, 2015 @ 20:54:06

    Needy said she no longer identifies as “BWE”.



  13. Formavitae
    Aug 01, 2015 @ 20:54:45

    Neecy. (IM SORRY, that was autocorrect from my iPad).



  14. SilverRoxen
    Aug 04, 2015 @ 12:55:03

    Neecy is this the post you are referring to?
    It touches on how sistersoldiering is detrimental to black women when it comes to being protected by quality men.



  15. SilverRoxen
    Aug 04, 2015 @ 13:22:27


  16. Truth P
    Aug 04, 2015 @ 18:05:18

    Hi Neecy, Hi ALL!

    Wow, I had to comment when I saw that trifling Phoenix show up on the thread.

    A long time ago, when I was closed off from other people and mostly socializing in a predominately black community I actually would have believed some of the stuff Phoenix was saying. I may have even agreed to some of it.

    I thank God that I actually socialize amongst non black people enough to know first hand that what Phoenix is saying is bullsnot. I would have written a lengthy post back to Phoenix to discredit everything he/she said but again I thank God for life experience.

    My life experience makes Phoenix a liar. I have put out good things and put my best foot forward and got it back from people you would least expect it. Including various undercover racists or prejudice people.

    I have written about racist/prejudice white men on my job coming to my aid against a white woman who was a practicing wiccan witch and sought to destroy me.

    I have written about the preferential treatment I received from whites against other whites because of my good work ethic and positive attitude.

    I have written about how various white men have went out of their way to put money in my pocket, promoted me, pulled over to help me while we were broken down in a car lot even though his white wife didn’t want him to help us.

    I have written how I am FAT and Dark and how I have had decent white men with JOBS and education as well as black men and 1 hispanic man pursue me OPENLY in front of their male friends and respectfully. With the exception of ghetto black and white males.

    I have written about how I used certain stereotypes to my benefit WITHOUT shucking and jiving. Because all stereotypes aren’t bad if you know how to twist them to your benefit. Being a fat smiling black girl eager to please has disarmed many people of ALL races who either intended to do me harm or erase and replace me. Because they view me as harmless and naive and caring I have been able to plot behind their backs for my own benefit. I always learn who to smile at.

    I have written about how I live in a state where the KKK has held public marches and rallies and yet my aunt, several co-workers and family members (young and old) all medium brown to dark except two and even one black woman with an alcoholism issue all have married, dated and have been pursued publicly by white men. The alcoholic was with a white male construction worker btw.

    I have written about how I have put various racists and prejudiced people to shame
    because THEY were letting it all hang out on the job and I wouldn’t debase myself with them.

    I implore all black women to put their best foot forward and to be strategic while socializing with others and watch what happens. You get some haters but you gain allies and opportunities as well.

    Liked by 1 person


  17. Truth P
    Aug 04, 2015 @ 18:22:33

    RIP to Sandra Bland. I think what a lot of black people don’t want to do is live as if they are at the mercy of others. No one wants to live like that. But MOST black people really are living at the mercy of others. In fact many other groups of people are living at the mercy of others as well.

    When the people you claim are your enemy hire and fire you, Feed you because you don’t grow anything, have an army and nuclear weapons that you don’t have and therefore own the government and make all the rules that you have to live by you either make concessions or you fight and win or you just die.

    I personally think Sandra chose to fight the power and lost her life. God rest her soul
    And may her killer/s suffer the same fate and may those she called on for support in her final hours not make a penny from her death.



  18. Formavitae
    Aug 04, 2015 @ 23:12:46

    THANKS for sharing, Truth P!

    GREAT POINTS all around!



  19. SilverRoxen
    Aug 05, 2015 @ 12:12:49

    I didn’t want to engage the commentor, but Neecy has already written and discussed about what you have said in your comment. Here are the links 🙂 – You have even commented on this post and it looks like you still don’t get it.



  20. Nichelle
    Aug 06, 2015 @ 19:48:14

    “…..And she had nothing to fall back on: not maleness, not whiteness, not ladyhood, not anything. And out of the profound desolation of her reality she may very well have invented herself.”



  21. Nichelle
    Aug 06, 2015 @ 19:48:54

    “…And she had nothing to fall back on: not maleness, not whiteness, not ladyhood, not anything. And out of the profound desolation of her reality she may very well have invented herself.” Toni Morrison



  22. Truth P.
    Aug 07, 2015 @ 07:57:56

    For the record, there are women who have tried some of the methods and suggestions of various BWE writers and have been very successful.

    However, their work is not for the faint of heart. There are certain things in bwe that I don’t line up with (to my own shame) and am working to get there. If you are easily offended or are looking for a reason to feel othered and rejected as opposed to learning how to make the very best out of even the worst situations then this blog and BWE blogs are really not for you.

    All BWE writers, Neecy along with many other black women writers on the net have constantly discussed how often the playing field is not equal for black women in America. We KNOW that we have a lot working against us. We KNOW that not all white males are great people DUH!

    But we also know that all people have their own purpose ,interests and needs and that these typically outweigh their prejudice and hatred. Which leaves wiggle room for black women to get certain needs met even from people that may be against us at times.

    I do thank Khadija, Evia , Faith, Neecy and many others for simply bringing to light how even though everything is not equal I can still thrive if I just think and start playing chess instead of checkers.

    The fact that so many people come for them lets you know that they are right on target and that some people with a lot to lose should black women wake up are shaking in their boots. I strongly advise any silent readers to read all their blogs and purchase their books as well. It’ll be the best money you ever spent.



    • Nichelle
      Aug 09, 2015 @ 03:57:59

      It is indeed refreshing to witness diverse commentary from Black women. There are sone razor sharp Black female women centered (some would say feminist)bloggers who are producing some serious discourse. I enjoy BWE blogger Neecy and to a lesser degree Khadjia. I really enjoy Neecy’s delivery. I also enjoy of Khadjia’s perspectives. Neecy’s perspective seems black women centered and not reactionary.

      I think the underlining theme is: Black women must be critical of their allies and choose to use their energy on themselves. This is contrary to the way in which the majority of black females are socialized.I believe that people come after them because they feel threatened, because they are trolling, or they simply have have some criticism.

      There is some legitament criticism for any perspective. In such that the average black female in the USA is likely Southern, working class, not “formally educated,” and raising two kids etc we should ponder if it relevant to the majority of or to the average black woman? If it is not appealing or reflective of the average / majority how do you reach or appeal to the majority or average (if it is important)?



  23. Savanannahnew1999
    Aug 09, 2015 @ 17:55:41

    Neecy, please, please, please, please, please take all of your writings and put in a book. All black women need to read this and know this. Please, you will do black women such a big favor and I will be the first to order it. PLEASE, put your postings in a book.



  24. Rae
    Aug 11, 2015 @ 06:05:11

    Have you seen this? I really want to know your thoughts on this especially on how this effects young bw!



    • SilverRoxen
      Aug 11, 2015 @ 16:07:05

      Although this is intended for Neecy, thank you for sharing this post.



    • Mia
      Aug 12, 2015 @ 13:13:51

      I think BW, especially younger BW, should use a modified ‘The Rules’. It’s a good book and weeds out those guys who are lukewarm about you and not That into you. It’s important to know this right at the gate so you don’t waste any emotions on them, women tend to invest emotionally way too soon and way too fast.
      It teaches you to pace the relationship from dating and into the actual relationship.

      BW more than anyone need to (IMO) wait with the whole sex bit until it’s serious and you are in a relationship, of course this is up to the individual BW but that’s just my opinion, not meant to offend anyone but we already have a lot of stereotypes against us and I don’t think many BW realize how sexualized our collective image really is, worldwide! Because so many of us reject these harmful media images of us, many of us aren’t aware of how bad it is! I saw a Bw performer who shall remain unnamed….her music video! OMG! I thought I was watching a porn video, it was that bad! I was shocked!
      I had stayed away from all of that so it was a shock for me to see how bad it has become! This is on youtube for ANYONE to see, adult, child, foreign, anyone, anywhere in the world with an internet connection.
      So my advice is also to present yourself in the OPPOSITE way of these instagram “thots”, no booty shorts, no crazy neon hair, no heavy contouring make up aka clown make up, none of that! That’s the reality. You need to seperate yourself from the masses of harmful BW who are walking stereotypes.
      Also, get rid of the notion that meeting guys can only happen in bars, clubs etc
      This doesn’t HAVE to effect us. This is a good time to separate ourselves from the hit it and quit it crowd.



    • neurochick
      Aug 12, 2015 @ 13:18:33

      Interesting article Rae. I think that young bw need to be strategic about dating. They need to ask themselves what they want in life. If they want to get married, then stay off Tinder and those type of sites. I am sure that some of those people want to find something more substantial than a hook up.



  25. Rae
    Aug 12, 2015 @ 16:03:49

    Thanks you guys! I knew from the get go I had to share it with you guys. This article hit me so hard because I’m from NYC born and raised. Brooklyn to be exact, the place where everyone wants to come. NYC has changed dramatically !



    • neurochick
      Aug 14, 2015 @ 07:12:53

      I agree that bw need to read something like “The Rules.” BW need to understand that the reasons people marry today are different than the reasons they married decades ago.

      Many decades ago, women married for financial security. Women were barred from certain jobs, there was a small quota for women in professional schools like law and medical school; a single woman couldn’t sign a loan or, in some cases a lease. A woman couldn’t have a credit card in her own name. For the most part (and yes, many did break the glass ceiling) women were financially disadvantaged. If a woman didn’t marry she usually lived her whole life with her parents and when they died, probably lived with relatives, as a “poor relation.” Women weren’t even considered as smart as men. I have a friend, a ww in her fifties who said that when she was a child her father told her, “you’re as smart as a man.”

      Men married, in a lot of cases for appearances, also if they wanted to have a family, have a home cooked meal, a clean home, and of course regular sex. I can remember people thinking that a neighbor was “peculiar” (read homosexual) because he was over forty and had never been married.

      Today, we women can support ourselves, sign leases and loans, have credit cards and don’t need to depend on a man for financial support. As for men, the son of another friend told her, “if I want my apartment cleaned, I’ll hire a maid, if I need food I’ll call Fresh Direct and if I want sex I’ll go out to the bars” (this was before Tinder).

      So, knowing that, young bw need to realize that men don’t have to get married; in some cases they’re like kids in a candy store. However, a man will marry you if he cherishes you, loves you, thinks you’re special. And if you’re hooking up with Harry, Mark and John, you probably don’t cherish yourself, love yourself and think you’re special. And if you don’t think you’re worthy, no one else will.



  26. Anne
    Sep 29, 2015 @ 12:11:32


    Thanks for this post.
    You are so right about trusting one’s gut. It has helped me save so much time & energy.
    Like recently, I volunteered foolishly to some volunteering within church. After toying with the actual implications of said volunteering, and the emotional uplifting inherent to the job, I realised it was not for me. Especially as I had the gut feeling one member was seriously disliking me.
    I need this uplifting for myself.
    Phew! More power (& peace) to me.



  27. Anne
    Sep 29, 2015 @ 12:28:30

    Also, If like me, you are a serious people pleaser aka (Florence Nightingale complex), here are a few strategies to help u learn self interest:
    -before u help someone, do it for self
    (when I feel the urge to do for others, I do for me first. The contract with myself is: I sort myself first before lending a hand. For instance, I have had this urge to reread others’ cv. Actually, I am very anxious about my career prospects. Therefore, others’ cv are still dormant in my inbox. I’m sharpening my own cv. Once I get a job interview, then I will consider helping someone else)
    -write down what u plan to do for others
    (Having it written in black and white has helped me quantify how much I have done already for others & why I dont need to do more).
    -dedicate a day for your others focused activities & keep them there
    (e.g.: I email links to 2 trusted friends on Sunday. No other days.
    If I find something any other day, I write it on my notebook (under “for others” category)
    -Decide in advance the type of help u will give & stick to it
    (I email links once a week. One link per week, not more. And if said friend never reciprocates, i stop sending links. I I’m not investing in dead end relationships.
    If I feel the urge to do more, I find some project for me & invest in it (as in search links for my own enjoyment).
    -If in doubt, go back to rule nbr 1: don’t do for others, unless u have tried (& succeeded ) with yourself first
    Hopefully this will help u be mindful (have stealth) when u assist others instead of it being a detrimental Pavlov behaviour.



  28. mlank64
    Mar 07, 2016 @ 04:46:54

    Great post especially
    “All the caping done for the Black man and the Black community that BW do, while seeing little to no return for your sacrifice, says that BW are operating from a standpoint of believing that your good will is the same good will others will return back to you. We do not demand proof of collateral. We just do shit for the sake of it and sit back and *EXPECT* that it will boomerang back to us and catapult us to being loved, honored and cherished UN NO”




  29. cediblog
    Mar 28, 2016 @ 19:48:43

    Hello Neecy, I read your blog about the grey areas, and earlier I posted an response about our purchasing practices, leaves us no money for emergencies, and you did not post it. I was wondering why not?

    Thank You



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